Quotes

 
 
5/18/2018

Fact: Any business name is made funnier if you append "and Discount Bait Shop."
 
 
4/15/2018

Colleen: What's in this box?
Greg: Dunno.
Colleen: *opening it* Books.
Greg: Books?
Colleen: Books.
Greg: *growling* BURN THEM ALL.
Colleen: Funny you say that. One of them is "Rescuing Souls from Hell."

 
 
6/19/2016

Me, digging through tool chest: Claw hammer... another claw hammer... another claw hammer. Why do you have three claw hammers?!
Colleen: Because I'm a girl!

 
 
11/11/2015

Colleen Ackerson: Which of these notepads is heavier?
Greg: The bigger one.
Colleen: I must be going crazy. I thought it was the smaller one.
Greg: I think the bigger one is 30% heavier. Let's find out. *gets kitchen scale*
Colleen: I don't care how much heavier it is...
Greg: I was close! The smaller one is 58 grams and the bigger one is 73 grams, so it's actually 25.8% heavier.
Colleen: Well. See? You were wrong.

 
 
10/21/2015

Greg: I would go on a liquid diet if the liquid in question was eggnog.

 
 
10/13/2015

Greg: If 20 years of IT has taught me anything, it's that the words "you can't" is the worse thing ever.

 
 
3/15/2015

Colleen: Uh oh. There's fog on the bridge.
Greg: I love fog! It's so mysterious.
Colleen: I hate fog. It's so dangerous.
Greg: Danger is mysterious!

 
 
12/7/2014

Greg: Now I remember why I wanted to go online... it was to post on Facebook.
Colleen: Aw, I thought you were going to search for White Christmas.
Greg: I'm not a Bing Crosby fan.
Colleen: WHAT? I wish I had known that before I married you!

 
 
10/2/2014

Colleen: Aren't you in school right now??
Ethan: Yeup
Colleen: So... what about your school work??
Ethan: Its 4 nurdz
Greg: Ethan's going to be a jock.
Ethan: Heheheheh nurd

 
 
5/9/2014

Colleen: Aren't you glad I'm only 24%?
Greg: Oh, you took the Psychopath Test!
Colleen: Yep. The average woman scored 39%.
Greg: That's what I scored! I'm a perfect woman. You're more sane than me.
Colleen: And I'm the one who works in the crazy hospital!

 
 
3/28/2014

Colleen: I can't set trolls on fire because they're wearing ice pants!

 
 
*** In between these two quotes, I married Colleen. (and after a quote like this, who wouldn't?) ***
 
 
8/20/2013

Greg: Kosher hot dogs taste great, but they sure are expensive.
Colleen: The reason they cost more is when the meat falls on the floor, they take the time to clean it before putting it back in the machine. With the cheap dogs, they just scoop it up with a dustpan and throw it in.

 
 
7/18/2013

Craig Baird: Did you get a new truck?
Me: Nah, this is my dad's... my Saturn is in the shop.
Craig: I told you to get rid of that!
Me: Yeah, yeah.
Craig: Have you seen the new Focus? It's sweet.
Me: I want a car that's big enough to carry 8-foot 2x4s.
Craig: Get a truck!
Colleen Ryan: No, *I'M* getting the truck!
Troy: Say what?

 
 
5/13/2013

Weldon: wuv uuuuuuuu!!!
Weldon: oops you not Jennifer Godfrey
Weldon: hate you!

 
 
4/1/2013

Greg: ROME Group. Greg here.
Brad: Hey, Greg. This is Brad Clements from Charleston; we had talked about ETAP license the other day?
Greg: Oh hey, Brad. Good morning.
Brad: Good morning... are you off today?
Greg: Nope.
Brad: You sound really relaxed.
Greg: That's how we roll, baby.

 
 
3/9/2013

Greg (AKA Tinluindir): Ah! I see you're in Thorin's Hall, too.
Xander (AKA Amathaew): Tis a nice place, is it not? The home of my people.
Greg: It's nothing like Duillond, that's for sure. So many edges... and corners... I've not had dealings with the dwarves since the dark times.
Xander: Oh, so you're an elf?
Greg: Indeed.
Xander: Then I look forward to never trusting you.

 
 
(unknown. 2008 or 2009 I think)

[At the airport]
Bonnie: Even though you were too far away to recognize, I knew it was you, by your gait... the unique way you were walking.
Greg: [thinking] Uh oh, testosterone alert.
Greg: In what way?
Bonnie: Well, sort of like a caveman.
Greg: [thinking] Whew!

 
 
1/24/2013

Weldon: I get nose bleeds at 1.1 micrometers.

 
 
1/16/2013

Xander: Evil smells like sulfur and butts.

 
 
1/9/2013

Xander: I was just thinking yesterday that I need a new source of diarrhea. Mexican food just doesn't cut it.

 
 
12/29/2012

Colleen: Behave yourself, David.
Dave: I know I'm not behaving!

 
 
12/3/2012

Jeff: [Flossing is] an unfortunate necessity until science can replace a row of teeth with a bionic titanium monotooth.

 
 
11/9/2012

Greg: "The one and only Grant Morrison (ALL-STAR SUPERMAN) returns to Superman, joined by sensational artist Rags Morales (IDENTITY CRISIS)..." My favorite comic book artist is paired with my most abhorred author??? AAAAARRRGHHH!!! How could this be happening!!!!!
Xander: This sounds like a problem that, like most every problem, can be solved with violence.

 
 
8/15/2012

Dad: Just imagine how much Soylent Green you could produce if you processed all the illegal aliens, instead of deporting them. Think of all the suffering poor you could feed!

 
 
4/24/2012

Weldon: I am thinking of upgrading to Windows 3.1.

 
 
3/8/2012

Weldon: Join my friends list on Google+!
Greg: No one uses Google Plus, so I hear.
Weldon: That's because it's a clean slate. We need to get on there and dirty it up.

 
 
2/21/2012

John B.: I am a vegetarian except for bacon.

 
 
1/15/2012

Greg: Don't believe everything you see on YouTube.
Dad: I believe EVERYTHING I see on YouTube.

 
 
12/20/2011

Greg: Can we drop my car off at BJ's? I need to get my tires rotated.
Troy: Don't they rotate every time you drive?

 
 
12/19/2011

Greg: I would take a lot more risks in real life if I could reload a saved game.

 
 
11/30/2011

Russ: Aw man! I only have one mauling to my record. I need to maul more often!

 
 
11/10/2011

FB Guy: Hello. How's it going?
Greg: Good. How about you?
FB Guy: Are you friends with my main?
Greg: No. I kicked you when semi-porn showed up on my news feed.
FB Guy: You semi-kicked me?? :( :(
Greg: No, I all-the-way kicked you. :)

 
 
11/8/2011

Troy: Greg, how dare you speak against individuals' personal right to expression of art by pooping on public property?

 
 
11/6/2011

Kaitlyn A.: [pointing at a planetary diagram] This is the earth's crust. You can't eat it.

 
 
10/28/2011

Greg: Girls read me too easily.... It's one of my weaknesses. None of my emotions are ninjas.

 
 
9/26/2011

Greg: In Hell, you poop live tarantulas.

 
 
9/26/2011

Greg: That's not an invalid error if we don't want people to not be loading a specific file. Wow, I used a quadruple negative. Are you impressed?

 
 
9/7/2011

Weldon: You must always type 'NUCLEAR REACTOR!!!' in upper case and at least three explanation points. It's not just a good idea, it's the law.

 
 
6/15/2011

John: Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge; others just gargle.
Greg: I FREEZE IT AND MAKE A BRAIN SLUSHIE.

 
 
5/10/2011

F. John: I would go postal, but it's too much work.

 
 
5/5/2011

Dad: Hey Socrates, baby! Get a real job!

 
 
3/30/2011

Russell: I've never played a game before where going afk in a town for 5 mins can mean you come back to the town to find it's been taken over by planar creatures dancing on your corpse!

 
 
1/28/2011

Troy: Apparently you're meaner than I am.
Greg: HELL YEAH!!! HULK SMASH PUNY BEING POLITE. I'm meaner than a whole passel of rattlesnakes in a dentist office at high noon! If I see a horse that's hurt and struggling, I help it across the street... on the way to the GLUE FACTORY!!! I enjoy spending time with my nephews and pointing out different insects... right before I STOMP THEM INTO THE GROUND!!!! (true story) ("them"=the insects, not my nephews)

 
 
1/6/2011

Greg: I wanted to compliment a woman on her boots, but I couldn't figure out how to say it without sounding gay.
Xander: "Girl, nice boots."
Greg: Yeah, but this woman was older than your mom so that would've been weird.
Xander: "Old lady, nice boots."

 
 
11/8/2010

Greg: American industries could be competitive with China if we charged an import tariff on Chinese goods.
Mom: Yeah! We could pay off our debt just with that!
Greg: But if we said, "Hey China, we're sick of you flooding our markets with cheap crap. We're charging a 50% tariff on you." They'd say, "Fine. We want our money back."
Mom: And we'd say, "What money?"

 
 
10/28/2010

Greg: My playstyle is dominated by turtling, which can be a great source of frustration when I'm presented with something that demands constant offensives and gaining ground, like W40K Dawn of War, or real life.

 
 
10/26/2010

Greg: I was at Cracker Barrel and tried to order Chicken and Dumplings. I say "try" because what I asked for was "Chicklin and Dumpings."

 
 
8/6/2010

Ethan: I don't know why people pay a lot of money to go to a fancy restaurant when they can just stick a fork in a head of lettuce and call it dinner.

 
 
8/2/2010

Greg: God has a zero ping. No exceptions. He could be logging into a Korean Starcraft lobby from an island in the Seychelles using an acoustic coupler modem over rusty barbed wire, and He'd still have a zero ping.

 
 
7/1/2010

Greg: Some insects can live up to a year without their heads.
Troy: That's nothing. Liberals live for years without brains.

 
 
6/30/2010

Greg: I dreamt I was shooting you in the face with a flamethrower, and you were just laughing at me!
Russell: That's because I was wearing SPF 10 million sunblock and your pants were on fire!

 
 
6/29/2010

Weldon: I am a Republican hippie. "Peace, love and WAR!!!"

 
 
3/31/2010

Greg: Rhode Island's Central Landfill is 50x larger than its largest park.
Jeff: They should make the landfill a park.
Greg: It worked for Mt. Trashmore! The problem is Central is a toxic waste dump.
Jeff: What makes it so toxic?
Greg: Yankees.

 
 
3/26/2010

Greg: I just thought of something. Since the tectonic plates are always moving, could it be that sea levels are not rising, but rather the land is falling?
Troy: Interesting proposition. However, you know the sea level has to be rising because we are clubbing baby seals!

 
 
3/4/2010

Slashdot: "Youtube pulled the original 'Rickroll' video Wednesday night. Don't worry, after a lot of email about the loss of such an important piece of cultural history, Youtube put it back up, saying that they're never gonna say goodbye to the video that's had over 30 million views."
Mirthscout: It's back up again, and [had] it back up again before anyone can get the story posted.
ZeroSumHappiness: *Whooooshhh*
ground.zero.612: SUCKERS! You just got RickRolled by Youtube!
||v||trix: How do you RickRoll this video?
BlueTrin: It is safe to say that most of the people posting here have been rickrolled.
2obvious4u: Yeah, I got RickRolled by NPR this morning.
Joce640K: That baby must have sucked up terabytes/min at its peak. You can probably trace global warming back to Rick Astley if you try.
Nerfest: In the future, the "Astley" will become the standard unit for measuring carbon emissions from computing. eg.: I switched to DC power for our servers and saved 47 Astleys annually.
elrous0: I already blame Rick Astley for pretty much everything else that's wrong with the world--might as well add that to the list.

 
 
3/4/2010

Kay: Are you growing a beard??
Greg: Uhh... no, I just forgot to shave.
Kay: That's a lot of beard for one day!
Greg: I forgot for a week.

 
 
2/26/2010

Weldon: I want to play a game of Risk.
Greg: I'll be Nazi Man.
Weldon: I'll be Heart Man: taking over the world with my love, OR THEY WILL GET THE BACK OF ME HAND!

 
 
2/17/2010

Greg: Face it, man... you need LSD to keep up with me.
(In a fit of cruel irony, the guy I said this to used to be hooked on LSD)

 
 
1/28/2010

Greg: Aaaahhh! I cut myself on a blender blade and got blood on my pizza dough. I'm cooking it anyway.

 
 
1/26/2010

Greg: Popup ads on TV make me think evil thoughts.
Weldon: I think evil thoughts all the time.

 
 
1/12/2010

Mom: I just learned how to make an atom bomb!

 
 
12/15/2009

Greg: Listen to this quote from a Harvard professor in 1908: "The public has greatly overestimated the possibilities of the airplane, imagining that in another generation they will be able to fly over to London in a day. This is manifestly impossible."
Mom: Shows you what a Harvard education gets you.

 
 
12/14/2009

John: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xdd0edT-BeE
Greg: Cute. Ewoks are still lame, though!!!!!!!!!!!
John: No Way. Billy D is lame!
Greg: You're just jealous because he said "You truly belong here among the clouds" to Carrie Fisher instead of you.
John: OH YEAH! Well Yub Yub!

 
 
9/14/2009

Weldon: There's no such thing as an Internet. Why are you spreading such nonsense on FIDONET?

 
 
8/13/2009

Greg: Calorielab.com says at Chick-fil-a, their small unsweetend iced tea is 0 calories, their large unsweetened is 5 calories, and their medium unsweetened is 110 calories.
Weldon: Well, that is because that once you drink so much and have a big enough batch in your stomach, it starts combining with things like oxygen and a medium is 110 calories. However, once you get halfway between medium and large, it goes unstable and explodes in your digestive system before you absorb it!

 
 
4/23/2009

Weldon: Korean has 13 vowels and 13 consonants, because the modern alphabet was invented by a mathematician. This is why their modern written language looks like a bunch of math symbols in triads.
Greg: Sounds like he was leaking linguistics all over the place. I bet he had loose vowels.

 
 
4/22/2009

Greg: You're saying they put Taco Bell beef in Iranian oil??
Jeff: Taco bell beef IS Iranian oil!

 
 
4/2/2009

Greg: Obama should fart on live TV.
Weldon: He does! It comes out of his mouth.

 
 
3/23/2009

Alex: Girls don't know how to arm or disarm a missile!
Ethan: Yeah, and if you don't give them the large chocolate, they'll slap ya!
Alex: Well, if they slap us, we can use our missile!

 
 
3/18/2009

Jeff: Idiot! The key to pink fusion is pink grapefruit fusion!

 
 
2/20/2009

Mom: I want to be Secretary of WAR!

 
 
11/25/2008

John Bundy: I wish I could quit you.
Greg: I'm the crack cocaine of friendships. The only way out is feet first.

 
 
11/24/2008

Greg: I bet your butt doesn't have 30g of fat per serving like a hotdog does.

 
 
6/26/2008

John B.: I have a prosthetic butt because a hippo bit me in the Congo.

 
 
4/17/2008

Anonymous Coward: Right, because without any predators, Terran bacteria could easily overwhelm the Moon's indigenous...er...rock species?
trongey: Now that's a scary scenario: bacteria break down all the rocks on the Moon, and all that's left is a cloud of dust orbiting the Earth.
Drooling Iguana: That's basically what the Moon is already. It's just kept together due to gravity, which wouldn't switch off when you introduce the bacteria.
fredrikj: Unless the bacteria eat gravity.

 
 
4/20/2008

Greg: My toilet is beeping at me!

 
 
4/14/2008

Weldon: I have a filtering proxy cache that doesn't want to block this penis enlarging pill site.
Greg: That's because it's http://supersilly.com/~greg/enlarge-your-penis-pills
Weldon: I get a 404 error on that.
Greg: I guess you don't need the pills.

 
 
4/7/2008

Weldon: The blast wave of my fart is strong enough to slow down anyone.

 
 
3/21/2008

Soulskill: Pickens brings news that researchers from Rice University have discovered that it's possible to store hydrogen inside buckyballs... The buckyballs can contain up to 8% of their weight in hydrogen, and they are strong enough to hold it at a density that rivals the center of Jupiter.
Anonymous Coward: Also for those of you more familiar with the US measurement system (rather than the SI units): The pressures we're talking about here is almost 200 million library of congresses per VW Beetle.
elrous0: That's a big twinkie.

 
 
3/10/2008

Dad: The 2008 dollar is worth about as much as a wad of phlegm in a flu sufferer's handkerchief.

 
 
3/7/2008

Marlin: I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but you notice how every time Jeff takes off for a few days, people start getting shot?

 
 
2/22/2008

Greg: I knew it was love when she stopped charging me.

 
 
11/30/2007

Marlin: Water = Poop.

 
 
9/24/2007

Greg (to Mom): You are an island of tankage in a sea of squishiness!

 
 
9/14/2007

Weldon: I wonder if any truck drivers have converted their driver's seat to a toilet?
(5 minutes later...)
Weldon: can't find any driver toilet seat

 
 
9/4/2007

Weldon: When you see a request to blacklist someone at putzputzputz.com, you don't really need to question it.

 
 
8/15/2007

kalirion: If we ever have a computer powerful enough to fully simulate a human brain, would the simulation qualify as human?
pluther: Depends on whose brain it was simulating, I suppose.
StikyPad: Computer, your petition for citizenship has been granted.
"That's hot."
COMPUTER! You need to stop saying that if you want to be accepted as a member of society!
"I know... that's so hot."

 
 
7/28/2007

Mom: Look at the moon!
Greg: It's full! Good thing I'm not a werewolf. I'm a weregeek. Wait... that doesn't make any sense. I'm a geek all the time.

 
 
7/25/2007

Jeff: I actually started eating brie because of World of Warcraft.

 
 
6/12/2007

Greg: I was just thinking last night, I need shurikens.
Jeff: Who doesn't????

 
 
6/9/2007

Foxnews.com: A 17-year-old from Ireland, who was born without a jaw, is hoping that a rarely performed surgery will give him a new face to show the world. ...the surgeons will take Doherty's hipbone and ... [it will] be transplanted to [his] lower face.
Greg: Taking bone from the hip? I can't help but wonder what this will do to his hip... would the bone grow back?
Mom: It will grow into an anterior jaw.
Greg: Better than a posterior jaw. Then folks could accuse him of being a buttface.

 
 
5/21/2007

Greg: SATA drives have poop in them?
Jeff: Yup.

 
 
5/14/2007

Mom: Good reason to clean, right? Looking for a dead body.

 
 
5/2/2007

[In Allen's office while I'm helping him with a computer problem; Bill walks in.]
Greg: Allen asked me how the heck do I know all this stuff. He's been married two or three times... I've never been married. So after I do this all day at work, I go home, and do it all night.
Bill: Damn. Damn. <shakes head> Damn.

 
 
4/11/2007

Greg: The performance of MFM is not as good as SCSI in DOS. WHY???
Weldon: Because you have a Hoho in your drive.

 
 
4/5/2007

Greg: This would be a decent prank: wait until the fridge is somewhat sparse (Friday?) and squish everything to the back... freezer too... and absolutely pack it with Ramens! Jeff: LOL! That's a great idea. Or better yet, fill the entire break room with ramen.

 
 
4/2/2007

My boss's boss's boss, to me: Go work at McDonald's.

 
 
3/30/2007

Stephanie: There's stream of consciousness, and then there's stream of consciousness, and Virginia Woolf is neither.

 
 
3/7/2007

Jeff: Remember when Grand Theft Auto made the news because Mexicans were upset? I dont see why they didn't just add, "KILL ALL THE CRACKERS!" and have a bunch of whiteys running out.
Greg: The only person to ever call me cracker, several times, was Sherry.
Jeff: Cracker!

 
 
1/26/2007

Mom: Acacia wood... wasn't that the wood the Ark was made out of?
Greg: I think it was gopher wood.
Mom: No, the ARK!
Greg: You just said Ark.
Mom: NO! The OTHER Ark!

 
 
12/20/2006

(A discussion on Slashdot re: alleged power of the Sony PS3)

omemomi: I say, make it calculate the last digit of pi.
Anonymous Coward: Chuck Norris IS the last digit of pi.
omeomi: You could just guess...you have reasonably good odds of getting it correct. I bet it's 7.
Achoi77: I call dibs on 0!
Pulse_Instance: You are all wrong, it is nullity.
scotch: Last non-zero digit is 1 -- in base pi.
camperdave: Base Pi? You're not being rational.
Lane.exe: You're all going to Mathematician's Hell for this thread.

 
 
12/7/2006

Jeff: Who would have thought programming would be so exciting? it's like freaking Top Gun over here.

 
 
11/20/2006

Greg: The last 10 times or so I've bought something for my computer, I was either at Lowe's, Home Depot, or Advance Auto Parts.
Tom: What would you get at an auto parts store for your computer?
Greg: Hose clamps.
Tom: Hose clamps? For your computer? That's sick, dude.

 
 
11/13/2006

Mom: I'll save the realms of death for another day.

 
 
10/27/2006

Greg: I wonder how you hire thugs in Mexico?

 
 
9/27/2006

Jeff: Zesty Guacamole pringles are spiced with crack.

 
 
9/22/2006

Jeff: Holy crap!! You can get peaches in a can??

 
 
9/19/2006

Greg: Kurt Vonnegut said that anyone who cannot explain what they do to an 8-year-old is a charlatan. Well, I just sent an email:
Byron--I've installed a script on the EMIT production server which will automatically update the test server with the Simco update files, so if and when we need to scan for something, we can do so with current data without touching the production data.
...and I can feel Kurt's eyes burrowing into me!
Jeff: I would just tell them I'm an astronaut!

 
 
8/30/2006

Greg: Funny Integrator request: "Need two (2) standard USB printer cables - 24 feet long."
Greg: Someone needs a network printer!
Jeff: Hahahaha!
Jeff: "Need VPN access - or ethernet cable 5 miles long"
Jeff: I dont even think you can have a usb cable that long and still be within the official usb specs.
Greg: "The maximum length of a USB cable is 5 meters; greater lengths require hubs."
Jeff: Haha, thought so.
Greg: Still, that's roughly 15', so you could conceivably do it with 4 cables and 2 hubs for the 2 printers.
Greg: gaaaayyy
Jeff: "Your request has been rejected. Reason: Brokeback."

 
 
8/16/2006

Marlin: I'll read from like 10 at night until 1:30 in the morning... I can't put it down. I'm a slow reader.
Greg: You like to savor it.
Marlin: No, I'm a slow reader.

 
 
8/8/2006

Chuck: Frickin long haired hippie freak! Pinko liberal COMMIE!

 
 
7/18/2006

Chuck: I don't need no stinkin fan...I'm a reptile!

 
 
7/4/2006

Greg: Like Leto II, the God-Emperor of Dune, I sometimes go on a "mind safari".
Sherry: That sounds like something a stoner would do. Mind safari.
Greg: Yes, I'm naturally tripping.

 
 
6/26/2006

Greg: I'm half black.
Jeff: I'm half Chuck Norris.

 
 
6/2/2006

Jeff: C64 is 8,000 times better than an Opteron.

 
 
5/16/2006

Greg: What is that? Is that yours? (pointing at my own empty "Equate" nutritional drink can)
Mom: You drink that stuff?
Greg: It's a meal on the go! Slurp!
Mom: (looking at the label) More like chemicals on the go.
Greg: Those are vitamins!
Mom: Oh, you mean like carrageenan?

 
 
5/10/2006

Robert X. Cringley: I'm counting on Google and eBay to save America.

 
 
4/20/2006

Mom: Tell Cal to play a minotaur chieftain who gets poisoned all the time and cannot heal himself and is so stupid he cannot transmute either.
Cal: Tell her I play the game to get away from my everyday life, not copy it.

 
 
4/10/2006

Jeff: energydrinksthatdonttastelikeass.com is available!

 
 
4/10/2006

Greg: If you had a black hole one light-year in diameter, it would probably absorb the entire universe.

 
 
3/20/2006

Jeff: I want a couple of days of taking it easy! I need surgery!
Greg: Yeah man you need to get a hernia!
Jeff: Yea man!
Greg: Next few times you need to take a crap, push REALLY HARD, that'll help!
Jeff: Man, done that before. No hernia yet :-(

 
 
3/20/2006

Jeff: If matter is neither created or destroyed, and God is the creator of all things, then why is [VPX] RedLine so tasty?

 
 
3/17/2006

Shawn: Aaargh! I hate being human!

 
 
3/1/2006

Michele: You are the Man of Infinite and Almighty Powers!

 
 
2/14/2006

Jeff: I would remove software such as AdAware and SpyBot Search and Destroy but as I am 'Cornholio', I need 'TP' for my 'bunghole'.

 
 
2/8/2006

Greg: Ford should buy GM, GM could buy Daimler-Chrysler, and they could buy Ford.
Chuck: And then they could sell all of it to Kia.

 
 
1/20/2006

Greg: I'm on the verge of getting on cholesterol drugs :(
Jeff: man, thats no good
Jeff: 0mg cholesterol in reduced fat pringles
Greg: doesn't matter
Greg: sugar causes liver to create cholesterol :-\
Jeff: ah
Jeff: damn liver

 
 
1/20/2006

Jeff: Wanker is a good term; it should be preserved in the new dialect.

 
 
1/1/2006

Jen: I am not full of potatoes!

 
 
12/21/2005

Greg: The Creative Labs X-Fi sound card sounds good, but can it match the aluminum-free, all-natural performance of Toms of Maine's roll-on deodorant?

 
 
12/18/2005

Greg: Weldon has a friend who isn't too bright...
Mom: Is it you?

 
 
12/6/2005

Greg: Just got some Kensington noise-cancelling headphones from Buy.com, cheap! Like $20. I like 'em!
Jeff: Nice. Do they work?
Greg: What?

 
 
12/5/2005

Tildeman: Is Canada a state or a foreign country?
RazorJ_2000: Funny! We ask the same thing about Quebec.
Tildeman: Okay, let's trade. We'll take Quebec if you take West Virginia.
AuMatar: Dude- its Texas we want to get rid of first.
eris_crow: Trust me. I live here. It's the rest of the US that we want to get rid of.

 
 
12/5/2005

Greg: It's like my Granny always said: "Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit."
Mom: Don't misquote her or she will rip you a new ass!

 
 
11/2/2005

Marlin: Oops, I'm still on October. And I don't know what day it is.
Greg: It's today.
Marlin: Yes, but what position in the week is it?
Cal: Go to Yahoo.

 
 
10/17/2005

Greg: I have a Christmas oven mitt! Except it's not a mitt, it's... what do you call it when it's just a square?

 
 
10/8/2005

Sherry: (chanting at fresh brownie pan) COOL... COOL... we could put them in the freezer!
Greg: Mmm, I think that may "unbalance" them.
Sherry: There is nothing you could do to make those brownies yucky.
Greg: You have a lot of faith in my recipe!
Sherry: No, I have a lot of faith in brownies.

 
 
8/23/2005

Jerry S.: Hey, um, Doug appears to, uh, have Office 2000 I guess, um, operator--or Microsoft 2000 operating system, what's the office 2000, um, for his... anyway...

 
 
8/22/2005

Greg: I want a plumbing diode.

 
 
8/13/2005

Romanian_Dude2005: This is SUPER SUPER SUPER LONG, but please read, its a nice ideea... [snip]
James Bean: im not reading all that, i hate, i hate you and i hate your face! Get out you make me sick.
KelranTymus: Then don't read it....but don't yell at Romanian_Dude :( he has fishy sticks, after all.....
James Bean: i didnt get a fishy stick

 
 
8/10/2005

Bob B.: I'm not sure how the hell you do it, but I'm sure glad somebody can.

 
 
8/9/2005

Greg: Don't feel bad. I got killed too.

 
 
8/9/2005

Weldon: No Bork! Bork! Bork!?

 
 
7/23/2005

(after seeing Fantastic Four)
Greg: I liked it. I give it a 7 out of 9.
Sherry: Out of 9? Why out of 9?
Greg: That's the Weldonian 9-point scale. Weldon observed that with a 10-point scale, you can't have a perfect average--a 5 is slightly below, and a 6 is slightly above. On the Weldonian scale a 5 is average.
Sherry: How geekonian of him.

 
 
6/15/2005

Dad: When Christ returns, he'll have with Him the armies of Heaven, and they'll be on HORSES. Now where do you keep horses?
Mom: In a stable?
Dad: In a stable. And what do you feed horses?
Mom: Oats.
Dad: Spirit horses don't need to eat.
Mom: They're spiritual oats!

 
 
5/19/2005

Mom: Guess I will just have to start hitting.

 
 
5/6/2005

Dad: (paraphrased) The universe is like a compost pile.

 
 
4/6/2005

Matt: Oh crap! I forgot the Zentraedi are coming!

 
 
3/10/2005

Weldon: Congress needs to pass a law making it illegal to take money from today and go back into the past and use it. It should also make it illegal for someone from the future using money from the future. Because this sort of thing has to stop!

 
 
2/16/2005

Debbie: I like gonads.
Kay: I like gonads, too!
Lauri: We need something with some punch.
Bill: GONADS!

(note this was at a meeting at work)

 
 
1/16/2005

My great-aunt: John Kerry makes my ass want to chew tobacco.

 
 
1/12/2005

Weldon: One can NEVER approach infinity, it is a moving target. But I do like Infinity. I also like JBL speakers.

 
 
1/5/2005

Weldon: Yo.
Greg: Aaaahhh! You're so black!
Weldon: Word.

 
 
11/10/2004

My boss: You're a real dork, aren't you?

 
 
11/2/2004

Weldon: I believe in macrokernels! SimCity4 should be part of all kernels.

 
 
11/2/2004

Mom: How about some marijuana milk?

 
 
11/1/2004

Greg: It added to the sense of impending doom that I strive to spread at every opportunity.

 
 
10/22/2004

Greg: The first time I saw it I was like "I'm totally not getting this" but after a couple times it grows on you and seeps into your subconscious and next thing you know you're a part of my experimental film.

 
 
10/20/2004

Anthony: Let us eat, drink, and be merry... for tomorrow is a good day to die.

Greg: That must be from the Klingon Bible.

 
 
10/14/2004

Greg: Put in your email address.

Paula: p.t.detweiler

Greg: T... for Terminator!

Paula: Mmm-hm.

Greg: Really?

Paula: Mmm-hm.

 
 
10/14/2004

Gary G.: It's like the blubonic plague.

 
 
8/17/2004

Greg: We boycotted the 1980 Olympics.

Mom: Where was it held?

Greg: [sneering] Probably Leningrad.

Mom: Salt Lake City!

Greg: Spoken like a true Protestant. Wait... I guess Mormons would call themselves Protestants. What would you say to distinguish yourself from Mormons? Evangelicals? Pentecostals?

Mom: True Christians?

 
 
7/21/2004

Matt M.: Today, we are handing out lollipops and ass-whoopings, and we just ran out of lollipops!

 
 
7/18/2004

Bonnie M: If you go see "The Notebook" with James Garner, be sure to bring a hanky. You'll need it! What a good story!

Greg: "Watching the young lovers rowing on a duck-filled pond is about as exciting as this film ever gets." -- Dennis Schwartz, OZUS' WORLD MOVIE REVIEWS
(Greg: [sobbing] "This s-s-story is s-so b-b-boring...")

Mom: Greg, What Bonnie didn't tell you is that "The Notebook" is a spy name for a nuclear-powered titanic missile sub. The big fight at the end brings all mankind to obliteration, the only two people left being the two on the pond watching the radiated ducks spastically swimming by.

 
 
7/9/2004

Greg: Billy, what's the duty officer cell phone #?

Billy: It's right there on the phone list.

Greg: Ohhh... the one that says "Duty Officer"? That one?

Billy: Works just like MS-DOS: "Duty Officer" = "duty officer"

Greg: Don't you mean "DUTYOF~1"?

 
 
6/30/2004

Richard: Did you miss me?

Greg: Ummm...

Richard: You didn't even know I was gone. Jerk.

Greg: If I knew you were gone I would have missed you. Where'd you go?

Richard: Japan. I went to a two-week ninja class.

Greg: REALLY?

Richard: No, I went to England.

Greg: They have ninja schools in England???

 
 
6/22/2004

Peragrin: In general most people are stupid, ignorant, selfish, greedy, or any combination of the above. I work in sales, of course. I see the difference everyday.

Hackstraw: No offense, I don't know you. But I agree; most people fit that bill--especially sales people.

 
 
6/16/2004

Mom: [to Greg] You must be on crack!

 
 
6/14/2004

Shawn M: [passing Greg in the hall] Eek! A human!

 
 
5/25/2004

April: I'm a high-quality girl, so I require real chicken.

 
 
4/25/2004

Tim E.: There isn't enough onion in the world to make me want to eat cow filter.

 
 
4/19/2004

Mom: I want a Gatling gun.

 
 
4/15/2004

Lauri M.: Shoot... I applied for the Butthead position.

 
 
4/13/2004

Lauri M.: Somebody get this freaking duck away from me!

 
 
4/11/2004

Ken C.: What we need is the footh... the footh... the footh?

 
 
4/2/2004

Greg: Some computer problems are easy. The rest are teeth-grindingly, mind-numbingly, Godzilla-eats-you-and-poops-you-out difficult.

 
 
4/2/2004

Lauri M.: I am a rice bowl of appreciation.

 
 
3/20/2004

Greg: Do you have sweet tea?
Waitress: Sweet... tea?
Troy: Dude. You're in New Hampshire.

 
 
3/19/2004

(Passing West St.)
Jennifer W.: They named a road after me!
Troy C.: That's nothing. They named a whole city after me.
John H.: Well, every toilet in the country is named after me.

 
 
3/19/2004

Greg: Look! It's a city!
John H.: And a pineapple! A giant pineapple!

 
 
2/26/2004

Greg: Mmmm.... homemade chocolate pretzels.
Jennifer W.: I'll make you chocolate-covered cherries too.
Greg: Um, I'm not a big fan of chocolate with fruit.
Jennifer: Cherries aren't a fruit!
Greg: They aren't? What are they? A vegetable?
Jennifer: They're a chocolate!

 
 
2/19/2004

Greg: Of course I left my shirt on. I didn't think you wanted to see furry cleavage.

 
 
11/13/2003

Michael S.: My computer is really slow, in case you're wondering. It's not just me. We're both slow.

 
 
10/28/2003

Marzipan: You're not a dead ficus plant!
Homestar: You're so smart.

 
 
10/23/2003

Greg: Allah be praised, it's a double whopper with cheese!

 
 
10/19/2003

Greg: I installed a water-cooling kit on my PC today! It has a waterblock on the CPU, a pump, and a radiator, all connected with vinyl tubing.
Mom: That sounds like too much work. Just put an ice cube on it now and then.

 
 
10/16/2003

Ric B.: Can Frank burn CDs?
Greg: No, only I can burn CDs.
Joby A.: Burning CDs is illegal in Virginia. Wait... that's cross burning.

 
 
9/25/2003

Matt M.: I can't even count colored balls! ARRRRGGHHH!

 
 
9/5/2003

Greg: I just grit my teeth when Amazon.com recommended: "Isn't it about time you broke down and bought Windows XP?"
Lauri M.: It bothers me, too, especially since it's backwards. It oughta say:

"Isn't it about time you bought Windows XP and broke down?"

 
 
8/27/2003

Joby A.: It was a sophisticated fart.

 
 
8/14/2003

Weldon G.: I like Minix.

 
 
8/12/2003

Michael S.: It may take me a while, but eventually I'll give you an answer you want to hear.

 
 
7/17/2003

Stephen B.: We're all freaks in our own special way.

 
 
7/1/2003

Greg: Try and choke me. Go ahead! Try and choke me!

 
 
6/25/2003

Greg: OSHA has determined that the carrying capacity of my butt is 2 persons. This limit will not change prior to steps and a guardrail being installed. In the mean time, feel free to step to the side and have a cup of shut the hell up.
Troy C.: Huh?
Greg: Excuse me, have you finished your cup already?

 
 
6/20/2003

Lauri M.: I am a symbolic link to /dev/null!

 
 
6/10/2003

Chuck: I have broken my finger, hand, knuckles, nose, toes, had a bleeding kidney (peeing blood for a week...), chipped bones, kicked in the groin so hard that everything turned black down there and various torn ligaments...

 
 
6/3/2003

Chuck: Weapons are really cool, I love weapons and fighting.

 
 
4/8/2003

John K.: How do I make Word print out a document's redlines?
Greg: Tools, Track Changes. There's an option in there that--
John K.: (expletive deleted), why do you tell me that crap?
Greg: Tell you what? How to do it?

 
 
11/14/2002

Norm V.: Is the HP 8100 a fax machine?
Greg: I don't think so... no, it isn't. It's just a scanner.
Norm V.: Well, it says fax right here: F-A-Q-S.

 
 
11/12/2002

Mom: I bet vampires like MSG.

 
 
8/24/2002

Matt M: How is the "me" which is me still me from one moment to the next?

 
 
5/2/2002

Chad: You see, government contracting dulls the brain. It's steady, safe and mind-numbingly boring.

Greg: It's not that bad. I just visited a "Yoda Ate My Balls" web page.

 
 
4/11/2002

Joby A.: I think it's OK if you die.

 
 
3/6/2002

Greg: LaRC has misplaced the Internet. Should be back shortly.

 
 
3/6/2002

Lauri M.: I like to tell people I'm Charles Bronson.

 
 
8/1/1996

Saturn SL2: [series of clicking noises]
Russell: What was that?
Greg: The anti-lock braking self-diagnostic.
Russell: [sternly] WHAT was that?
Greg: The anti-lock braking self-diagnostic.

 
 
1/26/1996

[In front of Captain George's]
Greg: This place looks too upscale for me. Let's go to Burger King.
Russ: Are you sure you can afford it?

 
 
3/12/1989

Chad: Rechargeable batteries! They're the wave of the past, but they're here for the present. That's because we have some left over. From the past.

 
Joy!