Total Count: 515

If Chuck Norris was really that tough, he would come over and smash my face on the keyshisnrbenhdjkwkejhrhdushdbbd

God didn't remove the Red Sea; He parted it. God doesn't always remove your problems, but He will make a way for you to get through them.

"2020 was like looking both ways before crossing the street and then getting hit by a submarine." - a 9-year-old from Michigan

"Waste no more time talking about what a good man is like. Be one."  - Marcus Aurelius

I'm no social butterfly. I'm more of a social caterpillar. Or wolf spider.

"When you find an idea that you just can't stop thinking about, that's probably a good one to pursue." --Josh James, entrepreneur 

If fortune tellers can tell the future, why do you have to pay them up front?
Don't they know who will and who won't pay them after receiving their fortune?

Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: With an itheberg. 

What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table. 

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.

"It is no longer enough that we pray that God may be with us on our side. We must learn to pray that we may be on God's side."  -- Wernher von Braun

You know, nobody ever changed the world by sitting on a stack of steaming hot pancakes. Spread the butter!
-- Story 125, "New Year's Resolutions", Betty's Turndown Game:
http://www.supersilly.com/~greg/cgi-bin/turndown-guest/turndown.cgi

A fool learns from his own experience, but a wise man can learn from the experience of others.  

Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn... then always be a unicorn.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be a mermaid... then always be a mermaid.

An experienced technician is one who knows which wrench to grab when he needs to pound in a screw.

There's a new band named 1023MB. They haven't made a gig yet.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? 
Ask them to pronounce unionized.

Why do engineers always confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

You can lead a horse to water, but remember what a wet horse smells like. -- Alan King

In God we trust. All others must bring data.  -- Google

You have passed the litmus test. You are a litmus. -- etherbrian.org

Saippuakivikauppias is Finnish for a seller of soapstone, and is the world's
longest palindrome.

If I yell, it's not because I think you're stupid. It's because I like yelling.

Scientists who go about teaching that evolution is a fact of life are great
con-men, and the story they are telling may be the greatest hoax ever. In
explaining evolution, we do not have one iota of fact.    -- Dr. T. N. Tahmisian

The mountain of destiny is moved one shovelful at a time.

I hate Indian givers. No, wait... I take that back.

The problem with believing quotes on the internet is you can never be certain
of their accuracy.   -- Abraham Lincoln

A dream come true is just a wish that wouldn't take no for an answer.

Nothing was ever achieved without enthusiasm. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Act as if it were impossible to fail. -- Dorothea Brande

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. -- Abraham Lincoln

Tinkety tonk old fruit and down with the Nazis. -- Queen Elizabeth II

If you think cartography is the taking of pictures of automobiles, you
might be a redneck.

Science takes things apart to see how they work. Religion puts things together to
see what they mean.  -- Ludwig Wittgenstein

(seen online)
I'm a life-long chritian and I say SHADDUP!!! ... No one can question my opninion!

(seen on Answers.com)
Q: How far is down?
A: In most cases, this depends on how far up you are.

My entendres are so doubled, they're tripled.

I like you, but if zombies are chasing us, I'm tripping you.

I'm not weird. I'm limited edition.

Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a superpower.

Everything's more fun when you have an audience.

Don't argue with an idiot. People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Velcro... what a rip off!

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have
nothing to go on.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

Broken pencils are pointless.

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't
control her pupils?

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

When chemists die, they barium.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Between my therapist, my trainer, my beautician, my manicurist and my masseuse,
I have no me time.  -- my sister

That has to be one of the worst ways to die... Massive head trauma from frozen astronaut
poop falling from orbit.

Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia!

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
then we are a sorry lot indeed. -- Albert Einstein

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing.
It was here first. -- Mark Twain

Q: What's the difference between eccentric and crazy?
A: Net worth.

I wondered why my "V8 juice" was so thick and chunky. Then I realized I'd poured it
out of the Ragu jar. -- my sister

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

It makes me Eel when people Carp and Whale just for the Halibut, with no Porpoise.
I'm Net that kind of Buoy, Sea? I'm Shore tired of Gills in School with their Tails of Roe.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

What if oxygen makes your voice go deeper, and helium brings it back to normal?

Sign on the back of a septic tank service truck:
"Caution -- This truck is full of political promises."

Seen in a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Sign outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

Seen at a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Sign at an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

Sign on a maternity ward door: "Push. Push. Push."

Seen on an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Sign seen on a wrecker: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Seen on a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

Seen on a proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in."

The problem is not that it's raining; the problem is that you were expecting sunshine.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Hypocrisy is the homage which vice pays to virtue.

The aim and final end of all music should be none other than the glory of
God and the refreshment of the soul. -- Johannes Sebastian Bach

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I'm not a complete idiot. (some parts are still missing)

The older I get the more I hate having to ask a question from a genre that I have
very little experience in because I know it's almost certain to end badly. Generally
the best I hope for is quizzical looks and a smirk.

Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge; others just gargle.
          -- Robert Anthony

I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it.

If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn't seem so
wonderful after all.   -- Michelangelo

Don't use all your water on too small a fire.

conservative (n) - A liberal who got mugged last night.

A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real reason.
          -- J. P. Morgan

Jesus, take the wheel... No for real Jesus, take the wheel, imma take a nap!

Isn't it ironic that our health problems began when our ancestor, Adam
ate a piece of fruit?

This most beautiful system of the sun, planets, and comets, could only
proceed from the counsel and dominion of an intelligent being.
          -- Isaac Newton

Atheism is so senseless. When I look at the solar system, I see the earth
at the right distance from the sun to receive the proper amounts of heat
and light. This did not happen by chance.  -- Isaac Newton

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

There are two secrets to a great life: 1) Don't tell people everything you know.

A real decision is measured by the fact that you've taken new action.
If there's no action, you haven't truly decided.  -- Anthony Robbins

I need trepanation like I need a hole in the head.

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner? 

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat? 

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? 

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up
like every two hours? 

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be
a good idea to put wheels on luggage? 

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do
only a little.  -- Edmund Burke

A culture dominated by the ideas of fools will soon lead to a culture where
foolishness and ungodliness look like wisdom. - David Tyler

Why is it that it takes the nurse a dozen jabs to find a vein, but a
mosquito can bite me in three seconds?

Thunder - (n) The sound created by God moving the furniture around.

Overkill is underrated.    -- Col. John "Hannibal" Smith

Except for ending slavery, fascism, nazism and communism, war has never solved anything.

If you are going to think about God, go to Jesus and start there, stay
there and end there.    -- Michael Spencer

To think is easy; to act is difficult. To act as one thinks is the most
difficult of all.

The first rule of Tautology Club is the first rule of Tautology Club.

Never look down on anybody, unless you're helping them up. 

If guns kill people, then...
- pencils mispel werds
- cars make people drive drunk
- spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Dyslexics have more nuf.

Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns;
I am thankful that thorns have roses.   -- Alphonse Karr 

Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the
argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.   -- William Pitt

Some people get up and say "Good morning, Lord." Some get up and say
"Good Lord, it's morning."

If I've learned one thing in life, it's that it doesn't matter where you
came from. What matters is how you're going to get back to civilization
before you starve to death.

The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot.
          -- Michael Althsuler

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body.
Then I realized who was telling me this.
          -- Emo Phillips 

If you ate pasta and antipasta would you still be hungry?

All this blah blah talk about climate change... When I was growing up,
we called it "weather".

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 

To understand recursion you must first understand recursion.

Never allow someone to be your priority, While allowing yourself to be
their option.

Why does monosyllabic have so many syllables?

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.   -- Plato

I strive to be excellent in my mediocrity. Nobody else takes their
mediocrity seriously... WELL I DO!

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian.

Whether or not dyslexics make good particle physicists is nuclear.

Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.

A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need it.

There are two sides to every issue. My side and the wrong side.

English doesn't "borrow" words. It follows other languages down dark
alleys, knocks them out, and rifles through their pockets for loose
grammar.

Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs.
          -- Henry Ford

One moron can ask more questions than ten wise men can answer.

I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may
learn how to do it.  -- Pablo Picasso

It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
          -- Alfred North Whitehead

You cannot plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

The Bureau of Incomplete Statistics reports that one out of three.

"Swedes are rather melancholy, bork, bork." "To bork or not
to bork, that is the bork, bork."
--3.1.64-65 (first draft of Hamlet, the Prince of Sweden) 

Weebl: Hot water is the world's biggest lie!
Bob: But why would science lie to me like that? I thought it cared.
Weebl: Well it doesn't!

Siriusly, folks, can we talk about the Dog Star, please?

Eschew obfuscation!

Promote peace! Kill more bad guys.

If something seems impossible, check your assumptions.
          -- "Atlas Shrugged", Ayn Rand

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons,
that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Q: Why is a prison cell better than an office cubicle?
A: A prison cell has a door.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll say "WHERE'S MY FISH, YOU IDIOT?"

Funny, I am using an Apple to simulate the CRAY-3.
          -- Seymour Cray, when told that Steve Jobs bought a CRAY to help
design the next Apple

Does it take dyslexics twice as long to eat a bowl of alphabet soup?

Some people jump out of bed the morning... I ooze out.

EMH: "Seven! State the nature of the medical emergency."
Seven of Nine: "I have a date."
          -- Star Trek: Voyager, "Someone To Watch Over Me"

Calling an illegal alien an undocumented immigrant is like calling a
drug dealer an unlicensed pharmacist.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls
and looks like work.  -- Thomas S. Edison

B.I.B.L.E. : Basic Information Before Leaving Earth

To each is given a bag of tools / A shapeless mass and a book of rules
And each must make, ere life is flown / A stumbling block or a stepping stone.

Criminals love gun control. It makes their job easier.

Every saint has a past.
Every sinner has a future.

Just because something is beyond your comprehension doesn't mean it is
scientific.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Reflect on your blessings of which every man has plenty, not on your
past misfortunes of which all men have some.
          -- Charles Dickens

In Soviet flea market, a minimall is just like YOU!

To a semi truck driver, a deer is just a rat with long legs.

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long
and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the
one which has opened for us.    -- Alexander Graham Bell

YOU ARE IN A MAZE OF TWISTY LITTLE PASSAGES, ALL ALIKE.

Two muffins were in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "It sure is hot
in here!" The other muffin says, "AAAAH! A talking muffin!!"

I don't know about perpetual energy, but I've been working on perpetual
lethargy for years.    -- whopub (on Slashdot)

I always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

If you want to disperse a crowd, start spitting on them.
          -- askaninja.com

Twinkies don't have a shelf-life; they have a half-life.

If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes
when it wanders. 

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country
and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get
it over with.     -- Dennis Leary 

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.
          -- Dr. Stephen Hawking

BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts.)

Your attitude is sorta like a guy in Guam saying, "Hey, if the USA and
the USSR wipe themselves out tomorrow, where's the downside?" Well, the
downside is that the world just ended.
          -- Kadin2048

If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add
the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them
in the same room and let them fight it out. -- Stephen Wright

"FLASH ! BANG ! WALLOP ! 
NOT A PICTURE !..... 
BEAT THE FLASH THIS XMAS.... 
LEGAL PRODUCT !"   --- Spam email

There is no grey area. Grey is just a matter of resolution. Break
it down enough and you will see white and dark pixels.
          -- galactic_hitchhiker, eweek.com

I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.
          -- Albert Einstein

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone.
"Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." 

Katie Couric: What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?
Marine sniper: Recoil.

My sigs go to 11.

Dear aunt, let's set so double the killer delete select all
          -- Windows Vista voice recognition

If we ever forget that we're One Nation Under God, then we will be a
nation gone under.   -- Ronald Reagan

Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a
difference in the world. The Marines don't have that problem.
          -- Ronald Reagan

Yes, I am qualified to beat people up. But I am pretty intelligent.
That's what throws people off.   -- Mr. T

Have I stolen the hearts of a few lovely ladies? Guilty. Unfortunately
I was not able to give them back to them before they BLED TO DEATH!
          -- askaninja.com

Government is not reason, it is not eloquence, it is force; like fire,
a troublesome servant and a fearful master.  -- George Washington

We are for socialism, disarmament and ultimately for abolishing the state
itself...we seek the social ownership of property... and the sole control
of those who produce wealth. Communism is the goal.
          -- Roger Baldwin, founder of the ACLU

YIKES! TSUNAMI! -- my former music pastor

If you ever drop your car keys in lava, forget it man...they're gone.

Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate:
10.

Call me when everything's back to normal.

If matter is neither created or destroyed, and God is the creator of
all things, then why is VPX RedLine so tasty?   -- Jeff B.

Half my education came from playing video games. A quarter came from
playing Dungeons and Dragons, and the last quarter came from comic books.
That's why I'm so well-rounded.

Why is it that all new physics discoveries involve the smashing of two
things together? Have we not advanced beyond neanderthals smacking rocks
together to make sparks?

When birds burp, it must taste like bugs. -- Calvin

well I see that you havent put on the thinking cap today have you
because what you are saying is the dumbest thing that a person ever
said to me you stupidhead.  -- Gerald Holmes

Never doubt in the dark what God told you in the light.
          -- V. Raymond Edman

I was just thinking... fat is essentially stored energy, so what I need
is a machine which will metabolize the fat and turn it into energy...
but then I realized I already have that. It's called muscles.

You are not going to oppose devils if you cannot master yourself,
because you will soon find the devils to be bigger than yourself.
          -- Smith Wigglesworth

User! We get message!
What! Main Thunderbird turn on! IT'S YOU!!
How are you users!! All your email are belong to us.

Seen on Wikipedia.org:
"A Pentium cannot be plugged into a PCI bus."

"Oh bother!" said Pooh, as the cop took his license for doing 60 in a hospital zone.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

I used to work in a fire-hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
          -- Steven Wright

Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator
school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
          -- Seen in a digital camera forum

Let's say that all reasonable people live on Earth. This puts modern
liberals somewhere between the Oort Cloud and the heliopause.

I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling well. You may need an amputation from the neck up.

Lowriders: pants that allow people besides plumbers and construction 
workers to show off their butt cracks.

Anyone that can't explain what they do to an eight-year old child is a
charlatan.  -- Kurt Vonnegut

FACTS:
1. Emails are not mammals.
2. Emails get composed, read, and deleted ALL the time.
3. The purpose of an email is to FLIP OUT and convey information
electronically, but is usually just spam.

If you put two half-people together you don't get one whole person.
You get two half-people who are now trying to steal the other's half.

My reactor has a first name, it's N-A-V-A-L
My reactor has a second name, it's classified as hell
I like to scram it every day, and if you ask me why I'll say,
Cuz radiation has a way of rearranging DNA!

Derek Wildstar: "Mr. T, we have to use the wave motion gun on them!
It's our only chance!"
Mr. T: "Shut up, fool! How about I use my wave motion fist on your FACE?"

cat /usr/share/sigs/witty > /dev/stdout

On two occasions, I have been asked [by members of Parliament], "Pray,
Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right
answers come out?" I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of
confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.
          -- Charles Babbage (1791-1871)

Once I tried to commit suicide by taking 1,000 aspirin.
But after the first few I felt better.

Let us eat, drink, and be merry... for tomorrow is a good day to die. 
          -- The Klingon Bible

There are two types of people: Those who have lost data, and those who will.

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come.
We have only today. Let us begin. -- Mother Theresa

A word to the wise is sufficient.
For the rest of us, there's traffic tickets.

Q. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
A: Unique Up On It.
Q: How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
A: Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 

Press any key to continue, press any other key to go back.

Proof God is a conservative:
"The heart of the wise inclines to the right,
but the heart of the fool to the left."
--Ecclesiastes 10:2

Some folks look at me and see a certain swagger, which in Texas
is called "walking."  -- George W. Bush

Seen above Marine Corps Toilet:
DO YOUR DOODY SOLDIER

I peeled off my sticker saying "Designed for Microsoft Windows Vista"
and stuck it on my desktop shredder.

HULK SMASH PUNY EMAIL SIG!

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

"Really, I'm not out to destroy Microsoft. That will just be a completely
unintentional side effect."  -- Linus Torvalds

"Americans should select and prefer Christians as their rulers."
          -- Supreme Court Chief Justice John Jay

"It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great 
nation was founded not by religionists but by Christians, not 
on religions but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ." -- Patrick Henry

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1) All the DNA is the same   2) There are no dental records

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice 
about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they 
notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. 

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the 
end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen." 

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit.  
There's no use in being a damn fool about it. --W.C. Fields

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.  -- Indian proverb

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 	-- Publilius Syrus

All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
than others. -- Alan Truscott

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

This is a day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
won't cross the street to vote in a national election.  -- Bill Vaughan

A pocketknife is like a melody: Sharp in some places, flat in
others...and really annoying when it gets stuck in your head.

BOW DOWN TO ME, FOOLISH MORTALS!!!!!!
No no, a little to the left. You're blocking the TV.

I used to drink milk all the time. Then I became a vegan and now I
only drink beer.

WARNING! Eating the carrots or the parsley will cause your testicles
to retreat into your body cavity. Don't even chance it. Eat the MEAT.

Thou hast lost an eighth!

"I want more, more, MORE!!!" he said subtly.

I was going to attach a sig, but then I totally flipped out and
smashed my computer with a spinning side kick.

The operator asked me to enter my PIN followed by the pound key; 
I thought I would be clever and ended it with "lb".

"I'm 20-exty-six! I 20-exty-sixed you good!" -- Stinko-Man

Your sig has committed an invalid witticism and will be terminated.
Please close this message, exit your mail reader, and restart.

My heart is made of gold. That's why I'm infinitely improbable.

make_witty_sig() or die("Fatal error: out of cleverness");

use Witty::Sigs;

#include "sig.h"

This may be because I've got a brain so small that under a microscope on
the edge of a razorblade it looks like a pea rolling down a superhighway. 

If you're still here, it's because God's not through with you yet.

"OK, we all know this is impossible, so let's just get on with it." 
          -- Barrie Osborne, producer, Lord of the Rings

Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Only liars and thieves eat Grumblecakes, and those people go to prison.

"Emeril is the best cook, but he can't handle a lightsaber."
          --http://boards.theforce.net

Don't let the jerks get you down. Stick 'em in your mental toilet,
and flush them into the Sewer of Forgetfulness.

If Fortran stands for Formula Translator, does FORTH stand for
Formula Thanthlator?

"Dude, I totally forgot our slogan."
-- The Legalize Marijuana Association

"I'd known dames that were sharp as a marble, but this one ate
the biscuit." -- Scott Adams

Einstein: "God does not play dice with the universe."
Bohr: "Albert, stop telling God what to do."

Q: Why do sound techs say "check 1, 2"?
A: Cause if they could count any higher they'd be lighting techs.

I choose Soylent Green because I'm a people person.

With Windows Millennium, Microsoft was able to get the boot time
down to 25 seconds. That's almost as short as its uptime.

Computers are like air conditioners. They don't work properly if you open Windows.

I left my sig in my other pants.

Comrade, why are we having this meeting? The rate of information
transfer is asymptotically approaching ZERO!

Slashdot is a website, not a Borg collective. Get over it.
       -- PhxBlue (Score 5: Funny)

Welcome to my email!! I kiss you!!

A winner is you!

You are a menace! A walking pestilence!
       -- Dr. Zaius, Planet of the Apes

Self-employment worked for me. The boss is still a jerk, but he's my kind of jerk.

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. 
I have erased this line.

Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

The batteries in my perpetual-motion machine keep running down.

"Let every student be plainly instructed and earnestly pressed to
consider well, the main end of his life and studies is, to know God
and Jesus Christ, which is eternal life, John 17:3."
     -- Rule #2, Original Harvard Student Handbook

"The Congress of the United States recommends and approves the
Holy Bible for use in all schools."  -- Congress, 1782

"The highest glory of the American Revolution was this: it connected 
in one indissoluble bond the principles of civil government with the 
principles of Christianity."
     -- John Q. Adams

HOW TO BECOME A GEEK:
1. Main screen turn on.
2. Move every Zig.
3. Read http://slashdot.org.

"Flight, EECOM. Try SCE to Aux." --John Aaron, Apollo 12 flight controller

I told that poor sap I've give him what's for!

Move sig! For great signatures.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but I couldn't find any.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

$gollum = new Pathetic::Creature "Smeagol";
give $gollum "Precious!";

No animals were harmed in the sending of this email. Well, I'm eating a
hamburger, but I don't think that counts.

You're not paranoid if they REALLY ARE out to get you.

"Oh bother!" said Pooh, as the sun went supernova.

"Oh bother!" said Pooh, as the earth was sucked into a black hole.

"Oh bother!" said Pooh, as the Nazgul came to take the One Ring from him.

It's not a funnybook. It's serialized, paneled pop art.

"Oh bother!" said Pooh, as he failed his parole hearing again.

"Oh bother!" said Pooh, as the drill sergeant singled him out for parade ground pushups.

"Oh bother!" said Pooh, as Eeyore kicked a dent in the side of his Bentley.

"Oh bother!" said Pooh, as Tigger coughed up a hairball.

"Oh bother!" said Pooh, as his mecha failed to transform in time.

Flames will be sent to /dev/null, and replied to with /dev/zero.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really useful, but you can't
help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Move Zig! For Great Justice.

You have no chance to survive make your time.

You are on the way to destruction.

All your base are belong to us.

How are you gentlemen!!

What! Main screen turn on! IT'S YOU!!

Captain! We get signal!

Someone set up us the bomb!

If you think this sig is bad, you should have seen my last one.

"Oh, bother!" said Pooh, as Tigger ate Roo and Piglet.

I couldn't afford a cool signature, so I got this one instead.

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

Thank you for reading this email.
We now return you to your abnormal programming.

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be
Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see a bit better.

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is
out but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there
is a light within."  -- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

"This book is dedicated to my brilliant and beautiful wife
without whom I would be nothing. She always comforts and
consoles, never complains or interferes, asks nothing, and
endures all. She also writes my dedications." - Albert Malvino

When their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry.

The difference between women and men is that women love their
children. They know everything about them, including birthdays,
allergies, likes and dislikes. Men are vaguely aware of some
short people living in the house. - Dave Barry

I can see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public again.

No. My powers may only be used for good.

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's one called brightness, but it doesn't work.

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly, it
flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the 
glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big 
as it needs to be.

"Insert coins to buy health!"

"Warrior needs food... badly!"

"Elf shot the potion!"

"Wizard shot the food!"

Q: What do John the Baptist, Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh
have in common?
A: They all have the same middle name.

The smart man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole 
universe. The stupid man will find some seaweed and roll around
until he's all covered in it and go, "Hey! I'm vine man!"

I quit seeing my psychiatrist because I found that biting the
heads off of animals crackers is much cheaper.

I used to have a sig, but I got tired of it.

OSHA has determined that the carrying capacity of my butt is 2 persons.
This limit will not change prior to steps and a guardrail being
installed. In the mean time, feel free to step to the side and have
a cup of shut the hell up.

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously 
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us."  -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet 
measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the 
math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was 
orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the 
earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. 
The tallest ones, anyway.

A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles 
in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs 
is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the 
good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected 
for a moment and replied, "The one I feed the most."
-- George Bernard Shaw

I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar.  
I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.

His wife said, "Be an angel and let me drive." 
So he did, and now he is.

Out to lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also.

I want a word with your inner child. He's in dire need of a spanking.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

Hey! Quit hogging all the stupid!

"The difficult we do now. The impossible takes a little longer."
-- Navy Construction Battalion motto

"Oh, bother!" said Pooh, as Cthulhu rose from the deep and consumed him.

Internal System Error: mouse wheel out of cheese

Seen in a fortune cookie: "Help me! I'm trapped in a fortune cookie company!"

To crash or not to crash, that is the

How to make BASIC a good language: Remove "BASI", put AL at the end,
put PAS at the beginning, then throw all that away and use Perl.

How to make BASIC a good language: Remove "BASI".

Oops! Oh well, no point steering now...

My greatest fear in life is that no one will remember me after
I'm dead. - some dead guy

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who are 
good with words, and those who are... erm... thingy.

It's hard to make predictions, especially about the future.
          -- Yogi Berra

Of course it makes sense that every facet of our daily lives 
should depend upon the position of celestial bodies hundreds
of millions of miles away. - Calvin and Hobbes

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits
in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
          -- Phil Pastoret
If you think dogs can count, try putting three dog biscuits
in your pocket then giving Fido all of them.
          -- Me

9 out of 10 doctors agree: the 10th needs to mellow out.

Pay no attention to what the critics say. A statue has never
been erected in honor of a critic.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control 
pills.  She had 8 kids, but she doesn't really care.

Some insects can live up to a year without their heads.

It takes more calories to eat celery than the celery has to begin with.

Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space
because flatulating in a spacesuit will damage it.

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the
people some of the time, but you can never fool Mom.

Particle physicists are always trying to hold a meeting, but
whenever they decide on a place, the time changes.

"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit
the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." 
          -- Johann Sebastian Bach

It's lonely at the top... but you eat better.

We're the IRS. We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

You're just jealous 'cuz the voices in my head talk to me and not to you!

Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.

Drink up, Socrates; it's all-natural!

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

It's a good thing money can't buy happiness.  
Can you imagine the commercials?

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window?  The guy looks out it, and
if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait...I guess that's like a regular window.

I can imagine a world without hate, without war, where everyone gets along.
And I can imagine us invading that world, because they'd never expect it.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"
and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.

To me, boxing is like a ballet. Except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them 
down? We might, if they screamed all the time for no good reason.

In America, anyone can be president. That's just one of the risks you take.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

I suffer occasional delusions of adequacy.

If banks are so good with numbers, why are there 6 windows and 2 tellers?

It takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to extend your arm
and whack the head of whoever's annoying you.

File not found. Don't worry--I'll make something up.

When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Try to live
your life so that then you die, you will rejoice and the world cry.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

If God had intended for us to not eat animals, He wouldn't have
made them out of meat.

Stop quoting me, you blubbering twit!  --Confucious

Today's subliminal thought is:

$ man rtfm
No manual entry for rtfm

If you can read this, you've just wasted your time reading
the sentence "If you can read this, you've just wasted your
time on reading the sentence"--twice!

Buy one for the price of two, and get one FREE!

For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Chances are you're one of them.

The answer is "sudo rm -rf /*". Now what's your question?

Life's not fair, but having the root password helps.

The problem with self-made men is a lot of them worship their creator.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the atomic level I'm really quite busy.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

Any similarity between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.   -- Groucho Marx

Most people are too busy to think about anything important.

Is it a paradox if you're always inconsistent?

On the eighth day, God said: "And just to keep the evolutionists
scratching their heads, let there be the platypus."

Sometimes we turn to God when our foundations are shaking, only
to find out it is God who is shaking them.

Make God laugh - plan for the future. 

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and
those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way."  -- C.S.  Lewis

All God's giants have been weak men who did great things for God
because they reckoned on His being with them.

If God lives inside of me, I hope He likes fajitas...  cuz that's what He's getting!

You have a point there. But if you part your hair differently, no one will notice.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things
that really matter.   -- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

The nice thing about standards is there are so many of them to choose from.

All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.
          -- Edmund Burke

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity has no such limitation.

Great minds discuss ideas
Average minds discuss events
Small minds discuss people.

I like myself just fine; it's everyone else I have the problem with.

All other things being equal, big people use more soap.

If you think there is good in everyone, you haven't met everyone.

This is probably as bad as it gets, but don't count on it.

Friends may come and go, but enemies. . . Oh well!

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

City officials confirm reports that the water supply has become
dangerously contaminated with dihydrogen monoxide.  Unconfirmed
reports indicate that this substance is a mixture of a deadly
poison and an explosive gas.  

The lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

I may as well be a non-conformist; everyone else is.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good!

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

Wisdom doesn't always come with age. Sometimes age comes alone.

If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers and nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right
now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down 'til the thought goes away.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as
a warning to others.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If at first you don't succeed, so much for skydiving.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Everyone has photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.