Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022     And small wonder, too. Even the cars had turned yellow from the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli! 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021      So we went to the airport and ironically, we were all so hungry we didn't care what we ate, so on the menu was was a Post-it note with the terse message: "OUTSIDE NOW". 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021     He had an entourage of elves all singing "Here comes Santa Claus! 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020      You know--the ones where you have to sand off the excess dirt and grime, and then the next step is the most important one: onto the airplane! Finally! My butt was sore from sitting around in the terminal for hours and hours. 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020     I don't care how many steps on the recipe are left, I'm wasting away here. Now please, would you pass the TV remote control? I need to find out what the score is. I guess I could find out on my phone, but turkey grease had dripped all over it and it was so slippery that I quickly had to unwrap a stick of butter and vigorously whipped the buttery mashed potatoes into a big mound of dog crap. 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019      You quickly need to scoop out all that stagnant water!" Everyone just stared at her blankly. Finally I said, "Why are you down here anyway? This is a private beach. 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019      All I had left to do was type in my weight, and the computer quickly printed out a menu listing these choices: 1) Broiled troll leg with capers, 2) spicy troll soup with tortilla strips and shaved truffles, and 3) chopped troll with candied bacon bits and guacamole. 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     Yeah, like actual dust from a fairy, we couldn't believe it. A little dude with wings showed up with a handful of sparkly crap. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019     Now, the weaponized and evolved robovacs had become an army, one which had a single purpose: to clean up the filth that is humanity. Like a sea of round, squat cockroaches, they approached inexorably, sunlight glinting off their gold-plated pens and the clips on their clipboards. 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019      Steve's date, Maria, had to yell to be heard over the noise, saying " I love salsa! Bring me salsa smothered on tortilla chips and layered with the scents of earth and cut grass." 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019     until he gave it away when he saw he was overcharged at Starbucks, and muttered, "Bollocks!" The jig was up, mate! We confronted him with rolls of ribbon, sheaths of tissue paper, and a carton of ribbons. If you don't have your ribbons neatly wrapped on spools, at least don't rest anything heavy on them to crush them. 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018      I will blame it on Smokey the Bear and his trusty cohort in crime, namely The Cheat--a strange, small creature skilled in stealth and thievery. It spoke no English, but followed orders well. 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018      What a strange taste, like nothing we had ever had before. And the texture was very light, like gossamer. 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018      I don't know why I just let stuff sit there literally for years and never use it or even look at it. 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018     You know that would be the ultimate experience! hedge after hedge after hedge... Maybe into shapes, like for instance the shape of a PAYCHECK!!!! Sitting at a desk with the so cool AC and a cuppa tea whenever I wanted it... You know that would be the ultimate experience! hedge after hedge after hedge... 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018     I got concerned so I called animal control services. When they arrived, they quickly put the fire out that was creeping toward the stump grass. 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018     I really need a new pet. Hmmm... I think I will pick out a sweet little Donald Trump, the 45th president of the United States, wanted to meet Milo. All those Secret Service men! All those Body Guards! All those TV Crews! How could they all possibly fit in the cabinet under Boppy's sink? 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017      They replied, "We achieve it by a combination of blister cream and bandaids. And it works! Next time we take a walking tour we will bring plenty of musical instruments, especially guitars and drums." 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017      Enjoy your time there, but there's more! Right across the street was a dog kennel for stray dogs of all sizes. I walked across and peeked through the fence and saw himself! They had lined their entire property with mirrors! "How strange," 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      I get instead a blast of the past. It's 80s music everywhere! It reminds of all the times that I ever wanted more in my whole life. 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017      Then there is the delicious fruit pizza! Sugar cookie crust with strawberries, kiwi fruit, pineapple all arranged in a pattern of pleasing proportions. The cheese should go on first, though. If you put the cheese on last, the vegetables will get sour and moldy if you leave them out of the frig too long. 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016     but then I realized he was listening to praise music on his earbuds and singing along. Pulling one of them loose, I yelled, " BUT I DON'T WANT TO!!!" No one could argue with that. They all leaned way back in their easy chairs and took a nap! Not only were the kids running around like crazy, the adults were really getting hungry and with the hunger came grumpiness. 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016      Other than that, who would be there? Maybe some hopeful whiners and a few frowning judges. It's always a boost to the self-confidence when the person in charge starts ranting and raving, maybe someone needs to pour on his head a bucket of vomit! 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016      The pool party should be fun!" Of course there will be a need for towels to wipe up the floor after the shaving cream fight! Of course Xander won because he had the best aim, and because he also had the best laundry hamper in the whole building, word got around and students were constantly knocking on his door to see it! 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016     Excuse me, could we please get ten pounds of Reese's Peanut Butter Cup!" As each one of them came back to consciousness, They said, " 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016      I asked the head of NASA for advice, and thoughtfully, he advised me to spead the word about this legendary plant. Many have never heard of it, and if they have, they think What's the use?? No matter what we do it always turns out to be time to make more Greg Pizza! 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016      Now, the only solution would be to tie-dye everything ! So I went shopping and bought 5 boxes of dye. The 5 colors I picked were black, navy blue, charcoal gray, gray, and maroon. There will be no danger of wearing dirty clothes again! Everything is washed, dried, and hung on hangers!Woohoo ! 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016     In just a few days, we went home. So, all's well that ends well, and we ate cake and pie. But Winter is almost over!! In just a few days, we went home. So, all's well that ends well, and we ate cake and pie. 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     GET back in that X-ray machine! You look like you are carrying a Beretta PX4 Storm Compact 9mm! With its comfortable grip and good balance and accuracy, this pistol would be a good choice for wearing on the plane. Remember it gets cold on the plane, so you would probably need to holster it." 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      When will it come back on?? I am so bored!! I might as well take a nap. It's cold & cloudy today, so I am going to find my fur gloves and my fur hat, and put them on my dresser next to my collection of Birkenstocks and in fact, they were taking up so much floor space, that I had to rearrange a few things so that it would boil and roil and steam was rising rapidly. 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016      First I took a personality test and I turned out to be an introvert. So I thought I would work on that and turned to the person next to me, and I said to him " 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015     The sound was like a cash register that would not stop....I had blown my budget big time and now I for sure must make a decision. 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015      It turned over layer by layer as I rotated the barrel. I expected a bad odor, but all I smelled was the thick, sticky smoke from Stevens' smouldering burn pile. I told him I could compost those yard clippings, but he said " 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015      Here comes the guy with the mop now ! He agilely bent over and handed a bouquet of flowers to a little girl. 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015     That was the last straw! He had had it! He was mad as hell, and wasn't going to take a long time to get through all that! So take a deep breath and enjoy the wonderful fall smell of burning leaves and the aromatic essence of powdered Dramamine, which helped keep my lunch down as the plane bounced and quivered its way to jump altitude. 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015     The General gave the latest Newsboys album on Spotify a fair go and listened wistfully for several minutes before mumbling, "They don't sound Aussie at all. Newsboys? More like Taitboys. Or DC Talk Redux." 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     Tamp down the tourniquets I had to put on my arms after accidentally slicing them with the trowel. Angry and frustrated, I threw it into a tub of warm soapy water hoping I could soak out the blood. 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     But that might be tricky to manage AT MIDNIGHT! You'll have to rely on supplements or special blended shakes fortified with lead?!?!? Seriously, lead?!?!? Who puts that in a box of chocolate covered cherries. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015      I am on pins and needles. I am sitting on the front porch now watching for the app to close without losing my patience with it. Instead I decided to add a new game app. The name of it was Clash of the Terrible Twos. Unpredicatable, delightful, exhausting, outrageous and wonderful, the new ring tone was delightful. 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     When you're buying tickets for entertainment purposes, it's best if you just ignore this storyline because it does not have one. 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015     I picked the lasagna and doused it with balsamic vinaigrette. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     Disappointed and frustrated, I determined that the cosine of a right angle is equal to the length of the adjacent line divided by the hypotenuse. and called the cops, thinking I was about to hang a hippopotamus. Before I could explain myself, the owner of the garden center rushed over, alarmed yet civil, and insisted that I present certification from the county that I had been approved to dig an artificial pond. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015     I put it all into one big gigantic bowl. I had to have plenty of room to make the icing made with butter and powdered sugar. Into that, sprinkle some delicately iced with pastel swirls of curled ribbon. 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     So, I sat down to eat some calories before attempting the climb. Other important preparations include wearing thick socks, sturdy shoes,and drinking bottles and bottles of water. My dearest hope is that everyone will be responsible and keep their hands at the 9 o'clock and 3 o'clock positions on the steering wheel as they are driving their golf balls across the pitted rock dome, the sun started to set, and severe angst caused them to sit and have some pie and cookies. 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015      Never in my life had I ever tasted anything so disgusting and horrible. 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015     In fact it should take about this long: 15 and a half femtoseconds. You would need a pulsed X-ray laser to measure that time frame! 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015      First make a list and go to the grocery store. Peruse the aisles and be sure to pick out lots of fireworks to launch at random people and scare the daylights out of them! "Hahaha! 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     Good for you! Keep up the good work! You know, nobody ever changed the world by sitting on a stack of steaming hot pancakes. and drizzle them with Sriracha hot sauce! And habanero sauce! And Colleen's kick-yo-ass hot sauce! Maybe then it will be easier to accomplish.The first rule of making a good resolution is to make it specific. 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014     Presents to sort! The wrapping paper I bought on Dec. 26....where was it??I found all of it in the back of the car. The first step is to acquire the presents. Second, you have to get someone to put their finger in the middle of a bow, so you can pull out just as much as you need. 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014     Sweet lifeblood of our glorious mother country, it falls like water from the skies and collects in pools. Children from the nearby village came running, naked, to dive into a particularly deep collection of sweet, sweet, silvery alcohol. 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014      First I will check them by plugging them into the nearest electrical outlet. It's a trick to get the lights lined up just right, but when you do, the results are two thumbs with far too many blisters, and a back with far too acute an angle. 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     Get away from me with those unwashed hands, those filthy clothes, those rock formations look suspicious." Indeed, upon further observation, my screen was all smeared so I read up on the internet how to clean it, and it said to spray it with glow-in-the-dark paint. 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014     Several of the most hilarious suggestions included Don't forget your underwear. Bring some comic books. But the funniest suggestion of all was to don't even worry about it, just go ahead and take some time to consider who you want to take with you. Maybe one choice would be Mr. 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     Not only would we sell lemonade, but we could also sell bags of ice. You know people really need those for seeing underwater. And if they get fogged up, you can clean them with spit. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014      And I am sure they would all bring their own beer. Last time we had an all-night video game marathon, the beer alone cost me all the money I made mowing lawns all summer! 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     Only, I don't think anyone else understood why I went to the movies even though I was blind! They didn't realize that my excellent sense of hearing allowed me to pick up even the slightest nuance of sound, and my vivid imagination I never would have guessed she would DIE from it! 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     It teetered in the breeze. Just when the tension was almost too much to bear, the elastic snapped in my sweat pants, and I had to quickly step up the pace. I'll never burn off those calories from last night's dinner at this rate. 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013     We had to seek shelter fast or we would be doomed for sure. Nearby there was a lurking police car. People should know better than to cook a bowl of noodles for lunch in the middle of defeating the giant cave troll, I found I needed quickly to scrub that off before it stained. 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     In the whole milk there is a lot of algae growing there." Maybe the best thing to do is to load Minecraft and build a house out of solid gold blocks. 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     So many kids, what else could she do? She went to the cobbler and moved into a pie full of four-and-twenty blackbirds. All I can say is, I don't know what someone plans to do with all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't fall asleep. 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     Suddenly a riot ensued, and someone called the geology professor. Considering his knowledge of continental drift, they must have thought that he had a colonic explosion ! 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     "What?" I said. "I THOUGHT I saw a passenger carrying a suspiciously-shaped bag. I was scared that in it would be a basket of fruit. like a nice day at the beach with relaxing waves, shimmering sunlight, and lots of ketchup for the French fries. Heck, I'll order some onion rings too. 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     But that's okay, Christmas is just six days away!!" He replied, "It would cost a bazillion dollars to cater Thanksgiving dinner to the whole town! But that's okay, Christmas is just six days away!!" We don't have time to cook it in the oven!!" He replied, "It would cost a bazillion dollars to cater Thanksgiving dinner to the whole town! 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     on the Discovery channel, and in the other hand I was flipping through my JOGAR recipe book I found a recipe for pizza with added chopped beef? It's not chopped *beef*, it's chopped *steak*! So don't ruin it with plain ol' ketchup. 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012     (Muhahahaha) He also has another present hidden in the glove box of his car. Already in the glove box was a carefully wrapped gyro sandwich, hot and freshly made with lots of whipped cream and chopped up maraschino cherries and topped off with premium unleaded. 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     Don't you know how to do anything?!! This is the way to do it: First, stack up the ammo boxes you have scattered all over the floor. How can you expect to be able to deal with the revenooers properly if all your ordnance is in such slaphappy disorder? 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011     You are trying to pay me with counterfeit money! I am calling the cops! 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     They were now known to be in cahoots with the left wing red diaper doper babies. we are doomed...... But by that point there must have been at least 1,000 zombies! 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     The next thing to do would be have a fire sale! Anything that didn't get sold would become kindling for the bonfire that would be against my better judgment to put the white underwear into the same drawer as the colored butterflies streamed through the sewer line so fast that everyone thought, " 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009     I'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory!" It was then we realized our next stop had to be a chinese restaurant. because big drops of sweat were pouring down my face. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     It was really great to see how much taller they had become. Why their two heads reached all the way to the moon and back. Our first order of business was to hide in the bushes and squirt everybody who walked by with a big dose of NyQuil. Within moments they were fast asleep, and I was able to turn flips so fast that we could not keep our eyes focused; nor could we show our face in Chuck E. 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008      Pay me or else! I need to make my mortgage payment on my house on Wall Street!" Listen you! Pay me or else! I need to make my mortgage payment on my house on Wall Street!" 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007     and by then my hand was so sore from playing City of Heroes I had to take a break! Cool! and by then my hand was so sore from playing City of Heroes I had to take a break! And before they could catch their breath, a pile of hydras lumbered up to a million influence. 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007      Yes, everyone is America is playing my new video game. I'm gonna be rich! The bronze cuirass, the ebony greaves, and the helmet that was made out of nuclear waste collected from sea to shining sea. Yes, everyone is America is playing my new video game. 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007     But they were eating all the leaves off my periwinkles. This calls for action! So I mixed up a poison solution and poured it on the fire to put it out! That was close! My chrysanthemums were only slightly singed. 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007     Next thing you know there was a computer virus on the screen, taunting you! 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006     A golden drop of perspiration gently made a rivulet down my forehead and off the tip of my spoiler! That's how slippery this car is. 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006      Or he could always try to throw up in the bedpan. Why don't the nurses ever come when you need them? Maybe it's because they accidentily stitched him up with tools still inside his abdominal cavity! 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     One day the boss looked over my shoulder and started laughing hilariously, and then he bellowed, " I'm starvin'! I ain't had nuthin' to eat but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days! Why can't we have more toilet paper in here? 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006     Fortunately, I was wearing my Kevlar vest and it bounced off! It left a mighty bruise, though, and hurt like crazy, so I let out a yell that sounded like a pickup truck, headed straight for me! 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006     And I hope you have it, because it's important when traveling to be able to drink hot tea with the little finger in the air. It's not as easy as you think! Actually it is harder than quantum physics! That's why one time I was talking to Dr. Stephen Hawking and he said "Isn't that something! Isn't that something! 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006      Could it be? Would I really get to see Santa Claus??? We rushed to the roof and searched for hoofprints in the snow, but all we found were stale, broken gingerbread cookies from last year. 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005     We came running and saw many tentacles creeping out of the hatch, and they were reaching for a rope to pull themselves out before the Lazor Beam Hydra returned!!!!!!!! Luckily, they had heard this brainteazor before, (or hopefully one of them was a good gueszor). 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005     and then they weren't sure what to do with the toothpicks. Nonchalantly, they looked around for the nearest restroom, not wanting to look in dire need, even though they certainly felt satisfied! Now all that was left to do was to put a new CD in the stereo that had been playing all the music all along. 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005      She didn't seem to know much about the countryside, nor did she know much about the practice of rounding up American tourists and pressing them into slave labor. 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005      I ordered a quad shot espresso - only problem was by the time we got to the store, my hands were skipping over the keypad like a skilled pianist playing Chopin. I had entered my Visa number so many times, I got a rubber stamp instead. 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005      But he didn't understand that we never clean off the tables unless the manager yells at us; which he usually does every hour: He yells, " Orrrder uuuuuup!" To which the manager, confused, replies, " Yo man, why you do me like dat? 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005     Soon they were all covered with red raspberry juice. When the first group saw them, they gasped "What big pumpkins!" They must weigh at least 100 pounds! We could only use them for smashing into peoples' front doors when they had sucky Halloween candy. Why, just last year, we brought home enough pumpkins to make lots of pies. 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015     Is this a real story??!! What are you thinking?! = Waa waa waa waa I'm all out of cough syrup!!!!!!!! You can't be sewious! Back to the Battle!!!!! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005      Why you could probably teach us to perform an EVA correctly and not drift away from the craft. First, secure your seatbelt and your helmet and make sure the main power switch is turned to cheese, just as the Lunar Society of Cheese-Lovers had predicted. 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005     I exclaimed when my turn came to say Wow! Ah just kidding! The new teacher was quite a knock-out! Really! Her hair was silver blonde and reached all the way to her cell phone, to call her geeky son. 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     "Truffles smell like sweaty gym socks. They also will alleviate constipation, especially for people who eat a lot of pasta! This is so versatile, you can even use it to shell hard-boiled eggs. 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005      This is a job I am not looking forward to, but it has to be done. 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005     The scintillating tones of Mozart, Bach, and Beethoven drifted with all their smokey offensive odor toward my patio! Not only were they noise polluters, they're even polluting my drainage ditch with their trash. They aren't just noisy, they are very dirty people too! 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005      And I know it was because we ran over a speed bump that was so big, the front end of the car shot into the air! We were leaning back like astronauts! As if on cue, the voice of Jackie Gleason could be heard exclaiming, "You're going too fast!" But think about it, how are you going to avoid that big traffic jam up ahead? 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005     Why I even have his name printed on my flame-retardant suit and on my car, I don't know. Couldn't we get another sponsor, one who won't make us wear these stupid ballcaps? As if an answer to prayer, up walked none other than George W. 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005     The cigarette lighter cost a dollar. The foil pinwheel toy cost a dollar. In fact, *everything* we bought cost a dollar! Then we realized we were in a progessive town because our hotel room had "hot water on demand": to conserve the water that normally runs down the sink while you're waiting for it to get hot, there were small water heaters installed right next to the toilet was a strange-looking water saving device. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005      Could this be a misprint?!! Just to be sure I put my glasses on and then I could see my feet! "Hello, toes! Haven't seen you in so long!" Ha, Ha! This is great! Next thing you know, you will be skin and bones. 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005     But the really big surprise was that my daughter's decorated mud pies were selling like crazy! In fact we must have already sold at least 20 of them and our cash flow was now a total of about $3.25. But who's counting, really? Sitting in the hot sun, sipping sweet tea and making fun of the junker cars that drove up was worth at least $100. 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005     It all started the day my mechanic called to me, "Captain Mitchell, you had better put down that bottle of Tequila and come look at this." Although having been on a 3 day binge, I tried to rise from my seated position. 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005     So, here we pay homage to dorks everywhere. After all, if it weren't for brainiacs, nothing cool would ever get invented. 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005      I knew I had to get out of there, and the only way to do it was to amputate from above the knee. But that's OK-- we can replace it with saline, or I can tell you about our latest experiment: something we've been growing in the lab. 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     Like Confucious say, "Cat never full." That's why you have to have a wide base, or else a strong foundation, if you're going to make it that tall. So to save floor space, you could try cement ing your mouth shut and let me do the thinking, OK? Now it should be simple to fix. All I have to do is take all this extra cat litter and put it in the display case at the local Pet Store. 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005      Five minutes later the glue had hardened like week-old oatmeal. And not Quaker Oatmeal, either; I'm talking about cheap, store-brand tools! 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005     We were all standing around when the septic tank pumper truck pulled up. "I understand you need a staple gun to finish that project. and it will also help you store things." After all that hard work, the value of the property went up so much I got an offer I couldn't refuse, and I moved into a condo. 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005     You make us feel inadequate and incompetent. Where's the positive reinforcement?" The space marine sergeant harrumphed. 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005      Be sure to tell all the passengers to please consider us the next time they're making travel plans. It's important for you to remember that each passenger stepped carefully over the puddles of puke and gladly walked down the metal stairway into the fresh air of Tarmac City, U.S.A. 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005      I'm not in it for the crust, I'm in it for the long haul. Because quitters never win, and winners never quit. And I'm a winner! I'm also a plumber and I really like going under people's houses. 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005     Eventually, this began to attract flies. "Who left the window open?" He shouted. "Close that window before that monkey gets in!" But it was too late, the hot cheese was dripping down onto the bottom of the oven and causing a terrible night with Nielsen's ratings. 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005      I could never go through the whole day like this! So I headed for the rodeo. I got my gloves, my chaps, and of course my hat. That hat and me go way back. Why, I remember when 8-tracks were giving way to audio cassettes! 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005      The bigger the better. The biggest I've ever seen. In fact, so big, that it wouldn't even fit in the grinder. "Where'd you get that bean?" I exclaimed. She replied, "I really wanted one of those cookies I got last time. You know, the ones with the pierced noses and tattooed necks. 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005      I flew to Miami and boarded the beautiful liner with all the other baggage, getting stowed in the hold. The weather was balmy and perfect. It seemed a good time to take a walk around the deck and breathe in a lot of fresh fish! 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005     Captain Underpants and his sidekick Angel Soft jumped in the vehicle, and roared off to the water treatment plant! 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005      She just couldn't understand why anyone would resolve not to exercise. I mean what are we here for? We must improve our health! So we're focusing on diet, exercise, stress management and decluttering of house, home, and mind. 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005     See, in the future, so many people had been using disposable cellphones that the landfills were overflowing with them and people were dying in disposable cellphone avalanches. 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005      It was so beautiful and from outer space it looked even more chaotic. I don't know who, but someone needed to return to earth to get supplies. We were too quickly running out of everything: bottled water, powdered milk, and freeze-dried corpses of agents of years past. 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005      Fanning myself and perspiring, I went inside to cool off. The A/C was cranked up (or is it down?), fortunately. I had some ice cream and once I was cooled off I ran back outside to warm up. Ah the warm desert air blowing from the west, bringing with it a great deal of heat. I wished I'd brought my sunglasses with me. 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005     And with that, I got out a notepad and pencil, and started planning for NEXT Christmas! An hour later my receipt showed up in my e-mail. And with that, I got out a notepad and pencil, and started planning for NEXT Christmas! 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005     we'll be able to afford all the makeup we will ever need. And big mirrors too. When we look into the mirrors, we want to see a little more attitude. Show me that anorexic girl who came in a while ago. She has the look we want. She must weigh close to 350 pounds. 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005      He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment before stomping on the gas pedal and screaming out of the parking lot like a bat out of H-E-double hockey sticks. 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005     There was a long, tense silence, until finally someone said, "Well, I'm hungry. Who's up for some Mickie D's?" And yet, here are the little yellow wrappers!" There was a long, tense silence, until finally someone said, "Well, I'm hungry. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005     So we looked at the dehumidifiers. They were piled to the ceiling in a very haphazard manner. This did not look good! 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005     Eat quickly, and that saltine cracker will be gone before you know it. Now you may eat one Goldfish cracker. Next, eat some ice cream. This should remind you of the pleasure of eating. anymore! Or in the children's section! You can finally eat whatever you please, whenever you please, even if it means you see the number on the scale go up one! 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005     "You haven't even seen the rooftop gardens yet!" and this time, do it right. She shrieked. "You haven't even seen the rooftop gardens yet!" and this time, do it right. 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005      I was terrified! I screamed out for several long minutes, the elation of victory like electricity shooting through my body. Truly, the purpose of the NINJA is to FLIP OUT and kill people! 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005      The volunteer outside the curtain heard all the mechanical sounds and mumbling, and called out to him, "It doesn't work like that! 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005      Before most of us even had a chance to warm up and get going, one of the scouts was back with fantastic news. The rain of the night before had stranded several earthworms on the sidewalk! 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005      We brought out the banners of elephants and donkeys. We even brougnt out the banners of eye-catching, colorful cloth were tied up in various locations around the perimeter of the parking lot for the purpose of raising money for the annual sack race. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005      He cleaned his sink when the water would not go down any more. Yeah! Then he would celebrate with a big scream, which merged into tears which shot straight out for four feet, and led to snot rivers from the nose to the chin. 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004      Waste Management was going to come get it at the end of the week. "We should tell all the neighbors we have this in case they could use it in their eggs, for breakfast." 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004     Nefarious had unleashed upon the unsuspecting city. Little did he know, right around the corner there was Emil Blonsky, better known as the Abomination! 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004      In order to have lots of crafts to sell, they spent all year collecting all sorts of proof that the teachers weren't doing ther job. Well, one in particular. This guy looked like....well..Dilbert with a problem. We didn't know quite what to do. So we blindly decided to strike chocolate-iced doughnuts from the cafeteria breakfast menu. 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004     it's Nutrasweet! I've got aspartame posioning!" He started to spin drunkenly, crying "My head! but we grabbed him and wanted to turn him inside out, if you know what I mean. 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004     Stop the presses!!" The editor asked, "What's the matter?" "Can't you see that the weatherman hasn't arrived yet?!! What are we going to do? We have 10 minutes to play ads until we can find the rest of tonight's tape. WHo had it last?" 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004      We don't need meats; we need only add a little herbs and spices, and no one will ever guess. This meal should keep the average person satisfied for thirty seconds. 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     Don't eat that, instead, try my 16-ounce prime rib! I'm not going to eat it anyway; I just want a salad." On her salad she had crumbles of Bleu Cheese and bean sprouts with a delectable dressing made of Mediterranean olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and grated bits of dried hot peppers! 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004      We lowered the volume just in time before the other dancer jumps over you. The idea is to create the picture of water with the water birds in it. So the next move is a demi plie; just swirl around and fluidly reach for your toes and come back up to face the audience. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004     Get your armor on and sharpen your sword and let's go do some fighting, and then let's go do some laundry, because I'm sure you'll all agree we're starting to smell. I noticed a stream of urine running down the side of the cavern wall. the Minotaur King was relieving himself right above us!" 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004      I grabbed it quickly because I wanted to add it to my collection. I tried it out too. 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004      My frantic struggling to stop the flow gave way to resignation that I would have to find another job to earn ticket fare back home. 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004      Please note how cooperative I'm being. Ask me anything. 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004      We had a hard time because he was so fat. The fat seemed to absorb the knockout juice. But we succeeded when we gave him a big dose of what for! we chortled. 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004     We had to clean it off before it attracted more predators. We found a stream, and carefully waded into it. How delightfully cool was the bubbling water. How soft and green was the bed of moss along the bank. 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004     That's the price you pay for neglecting it or using cheap stuff for fertilizer! fertilizer. You can use it for digging up earthworms. You know those slick wiggly creatures that are so good for the soil. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004     "WHERE'S MY LUNCH!" Just then, Weldon appeared with a Rally's bag in each hand, giggling. 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004     Just one look at the M-60 machine gun she had slung easily over her shoulder and they knew she meant business. 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004     We hadn't been to a museum yet so we jumped up and headed for the closest Starbucks. "Boy, these things are everywhere!" I agreed, "Lucky for us...I can't believe I slept till noon and I'm STILL tired! I need a cappucino to wake up!" As we entered the familiar halls of the Louvre, we picked up a museum map and headed for the location of the Mona Lisa. 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004      Look in your other pockets and see if you can find any more Barbie dolls for Haley so she can play dolls with her sister and also with her cousin, Ethan." But enough about that. They had no time to lose. There was a sale on homemade play dough. 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004     The third fact is farts are stinky. Sometimes they can be REALLY stinky! And sometimes they're loud! Sometimes they're so loud they are deafening; so cacophonous they pierce your ears; so mind-boggling they make your butt steam! 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004      But not good if your feet were covered with blisters, stuck with splinters, and if the ground oozed with the green slime from that pond we sloshed through earlier, while holding up our rifles so they wouldn't get wet! 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004      You know, the ones we don't like: They squish so easily and they taste like they always have: awesome! I went up to get a soda refill, but this guy was something else! 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004     "I am become death--destroyer of worlds!" I growled as I walked in. She said, " Hand me that application and I will see if you are qualified to take any classes. I want you to know that I make the final decision, so you better be on your p's and q's. So look me in the eye and tell me where the bathroom is? 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004      We want CHEESE!! We ain't had nothin' to eat for three stinkin' days but this moldy bread. Yeah, and we need some meats! And to go with that some milk!" And if you give him some milk, he will lap it up very delicately all the while holding his little pinky high in the air. Do you have any CHEESE?!! 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004      "Hey, let's get one of the cars, push it to the top and jump in and see how far we can go!" So they laboriously pushed and pushed, and when they got to the top they saw what was causing the tornado: the villanous Sky Master!! 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004      But I knew she was wrong because she was always wrong. "I have a better idea," I said, "Why don't you shnie that light over here? I am afraid I am going to fall into a dead end! 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004     I held it up and yelled, " BE QUIET! BE QUIET! BE QUIET!" 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004     by Wagner, done entirely with a quartet of kazoos? screamed Bonnie, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MEDITATE WHEN YOU KEEP TALKING TO ME???!! Would you please go twiddle your thumbs while I take care of MY important business! 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004     Maybe we should replace them with soy. Do you think anyone would be able to get all those wads of gum from underneath the tables? They must have accumulated for years! 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004     More people should be aware of the benefits of tending a garden and growing your own begetables. Grandma loved the taste of her fresh eggs and milk too. And no one could beat the taste of right-out-of-the-oven freshly baked golden brown teenage girls. They clearly had been tanning for quite some time. 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004     And again what is that POWER? It is the power of the universe! The power that enables the ULTIMATE NINJA to unleash hundreds if not thousands of punches and kicks upon any who opposed him. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004     Batman! Will somebody please tell me what kind of world we're living in when a man cannot turn a dollar into a million, or turn a Euro into a big fat wallet. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004     They bathe in artificial dihydrogen monoxide which was produced in a laboratory manned by hyper-intelligent mice. "You see," Sam explained, "they're almost as good as human researchers, but they get paid in cheese! 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004     Count Muenster declared, "We have thee to thank for these delightful victuals." "Yes!" The Earl replied with a bow, "And I named the cheese after thee, milord." Then the Count called all the servants together to tell them the bad news: They would no longer get free sandwiches until the draconian taxes levied by the Duke of Hazzarde were removed. 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004     A parking lot here, a parking lot there, and pretty soon you've got some real evidence there! Let me get a closer look. Let me get a closer look too, said Barrister. But Miss Na Tasha shoved in and grabbed the magnifying glass, knocking it against the side of the minivan, leaving a big dent. 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004      Yeeha! We graduated! Finally, they spilled out into the aisles of the auditorium and all threw their hats into the air. 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004      What a challenge! There just had to be a way to satisfy all the parties involved. Maybe if he bought more turkey pepperoni everyone would be happier. 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     and as luck would have it, that was the one in which his cord broke. So, it was most certainly his last bungee cord jump.