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Story IDTitleCreatorStatusNum EntriesDate Finished
174  Springtime in VirginiabettyDone2212/27/2022
    Yes, phooey! Now I have to wait 23 1/2 hours to get to see the moonflower bloom! Until then, well, who knows? I am sure we will be able to find a place to eat, but will any place be open at this time of night?? Hey, there's always Waffle House. And thinking of that, what does a dog like to eat for breakfast??
173  Daylight Saving Time !bettyDone234/21/2021
     Most other people would flee or cower in the face of such peril, but we could always count on him to fire up the grill!! Get those steaks ready!! He was always generous with sprinkling the garlic salt, but he was very careful with the bottle of 1931 Sauvignon Blanc from France.
172  A Winter Day in the WildernessbonnieDone222/15/2021
    2 bites and I am full. However I will never turn down a big bowl of Whoop-Ass! You can set it right next to this bigger can of Whoop-Ass!" Some distance away, a browsing elk suddenly lifted his head.
171  Oh, the weather outside is frightful...bettyDone2212/31/2020
    For some reason, security had been increased overnight by a factor of 10.
170  The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!bettyDone231/13/2020
     While waiting for the turkey to finished roasting, the oven twiddled its thumbs, wishing it had remembered to charge its phone.
169  A Breath of Fresh AirbonnieDone2211/15/2019
     So when he tried to gather up the magnolia leaves, the tree started rustling,he looked up and an avalanche of leaves came tumbling down! He couldn't see! He was stumbling! Stumbling, he tried to reach for the next page of music, but his cramp was so bad it was like he was moving in slow motion.
168  Toiling at 3 a.m.bettyDone2210/13/2019
     All I had left to do was type in my weight, and the computer quickly printed out a menu listing these choices: 1) Broiled troll leg with capers, 2) spicy troll soup with tortilla strips and shaved truffles, and 3) chopped troll with candied bacon bits and guacamole.
167  The Reckoning of the KiwisxanderDone227/28/2019
    Fortunately, Shawn had an idea: Let's put a Slip 'n' Slide in the back yard and have fun, fun, fun! After we install in and hook up the water hose to it, all we have to do then is round the Kiwis up into one place, and nuke them.
166  Somebody's Gotta Do It !bettyDone227/8/2019
    I am sending her back to the manufacturer! Sending *IT* back. This was the most disappointing robotic vacuum I had ever used.
165  I love Thunderstorms !bettyDone216/10/2019
     Why of course: Thunderstorms' trainer, big brother, and Union Jack-adorned fellow wrestler, London Bridge. Bridge was the broadest of wrestlers in the league, and about twice as wide as a mere mortal.
164  Wrapping those Christmas Presents !bettyDone231/9/2019
     Please, help yourself to another cup of egg nog. Now have a seat and relax. Lean back and contemplate what you are going to do next: wrap more presents, or eat ALL the Christmas cookies.
163  Let's Set Fire to the WoodsxanderDone2112/7/2018
    he cried as his bounced off, to no effect. she said. "That's not a walnut! It's a long way from here, so we'd better get started!" With that, everyone looked around to be sure nobody was watching when they dumped their camping garbage into the fast flowing river.
162  Some Kind of AdventurexanderDone239/10/2018
    Streaking fire fell from the sky, and portals opened in the earth, from which spilled the uncountable, writhing forms of extradimensional creatures. Thankfully, Greg had saved a ton of money by switching to GEICO! And so, when we got back home, having experienced so much and learned so many lessons, we knew we would be facing life with more boldness from then on.
161  That Garage !bettyDone228/9/2018
     Exasperated, I loaded my shotgun. No more screwing around. Sometimes, only brute force can solve a problem. Locked and loaded, I peeked out the cat door to see what all the commotion was about.... Sure enough, there was a bunch of money in there! It's a good thing I went through it or I would have missed finding all those old plastic machine guns.
160  I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?bettyDone248/3/2018
     I thought it was pretty good advice to weigh the option of working in an air-conditioned environment, considering how hot the dishwashing water had to be; what would that be doing to the rats in the sewers? Well, for safety, they probably all clustered around a loaded shotgun.
159  A large, healthy tuft of stump grassbonnieDone227/18/2018
    I said, "Nothing can grow in space, it's completely inhospitable!" Sure enough, out the viewport, I saw a giant squid! so there was only one solution for that = a heaping helping of whoopass.
158  Cleaning up after Milo the MousebettyDone217/11/2018
     But we must be reasonable. Wild animals belong back in their natural habitats which could be the jungle, savannah, or maybe the deep, dark secrets of the mind. Who knows what lurks within the heart of man? The Shadow knows. He also knows where all the best cookie crumbs are!
157  Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA CampusbettyDone227/6/2017
    They were everywhere at once. As soon as any player was in the least bit of jeopardy, he would take the ball and throw it out the dorm window onto the crowd of new freshmen coming in.They started yelling and running toward the gym.
156  San Antonio VacationgregDone225/27/2017
     "What kind of restaurant is this?!" I yelled. "What are we supposed to sprinkle on our tacos, for crying out loud?! HOW ABOUT A NICE SPRINKLING OF HOT HOT HOT SRIRACHA SAUCE !!!"
155  Will That Snow Ever Melt? !bettyDone212/5/2017
     And don't forget to put on deodorant because you don't know who you might run into. You might even run into a zamboni! And you're miles from the nearest skating rink. The nearest one is right next doo' Let's walk over there, introduce ourselves to the new neighbor, and say, "Hey, hey, hey, hey.
154  Different Pizza ToppingsgregDone211/11/2017
     It can be hard to come up with a combination of pizza toppings that will please everyone in the group, but if you stick olives with toothpicks on the pizza, there could be tragic results...like wasting pizza! To serve attractively, place the pizza in my mouth!!
153  But I don't want to!bonnieDone2011/13/2016
     The word of the Lord came to Jonah: "Go to Nineveh and preach against political correctness and with great vigor. We are sick and tired of it. I put it into the same category as washing the dog: every day is overkill, but waiting a month is too long."
152  We Need More Enthusiasm !bettyDone2210/16/2016
    I told everybody, "Just remember how we rehearsed it: Keep smiling and always brush your teeth before you do. Buy a dentist-approved toothbrush and a big tube of t-shirts to shoot into the crowd!"
151  Xander's New Dorm RoombonnieDone219/9/2016
     Of course there will be a need for towels to wipe up the floor after the shaving cream fight! Of course Xander won because he had the best aim, and because he also had the best laundry hamper in the whole building, word got around and students were constantly knocking on his door to see it!
150  Trying to Keep Cool !bettyDone228/20/2016
    he said as we sped toward the marina. When we got there, a huge fog bank rolled in, and it looked really scary, so we waited until the sun went down. Then it was cooler because we switched the fan to counter-clockwise, and that made us feel sleepy.
149  The Stump VinebonnieDone214/26/2016
     Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. she said gravely, "It is real." I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. she said gravely, "It is real." "It's not real!" I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. she said gravely, "It is real."
148  LaundrycolleenDone204/2/2016
     Would that really matter?? Yeah, probably would matter as much as Hillary Clinton is able to tell the truth.
147  It's snowing!!!colleenDone292/22/2016
     "This is fantastic!" I said, "I could sell this for $50,000 and send Ethan to William and Mary Law School! Even Donald Trump would want to own this...
145  Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!bettyDone212/5/2016
    GET back in that X-ray machine! You look like you are carrying a Beretta PX4 Storm Compact 9mm! With its comfortable grip and good balance and accuracy, this pistol would be a good choice for wearing on the plane.
144  Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!colleenDone201/10/2016
    It almost covered the plate! Next to it was a plastic pot containing a pitiful plant, nearly dead from lack of internet service.
143  Resolutions for the New Year !bettyDone221/9/2016
     So I thought I would work on that and turned to the person next to me, and I said to him "
142  Ordering Online Christmas Presents !bettyDone2112/14/2015
     But you know he needs all the help he can get, and you can help by registering all your information on the website, so every time from then on you won't have to type in your office on your clicky-clacky IBM keyboard from 1981.
141  Dual CompostersgregDone2112/13/2015
    I told him I could compost those yard clippings, but he said " Stop looking at my bum and get on with your work!" "Do you think I am a GARDENER??? Because if so, you are correct!" He turned to go, which was awkward because he was carrying bucket load after bucket load of stinking garbage and pouring it carefully into the concrete mixer.
140  Deli BolognagregDone2211/28/2015
     Stunned, the grocer just stood there holding the orange he had been peeling, he squeezed it a little too hard and a spurt flew directly into his display of twenty-five varieties of Deli Bologna! The only way this can be rectified is to put all the meats through the sausage grinder again and then display them in the windows, for all to admire.
139  Getting Ready for Fall !bettyDone2110/29/2015
    He had had it! He was mad as hell, and wasn't going to take a long time to get through all that! So take a deep breath and enjoy the wonderful fall smell of burning leaves and the aromatic essence of powdered Dramamine, which helped keep my lunch down as the plane bounced and quivered its way to jump altitude.
138  SlatheragegregDone219/16/2015
    band. I first heard about them when they appeared as my Wiki Word of the Day.
137  Growing Those Tomatoes !bettyDone218/1/2015
    And the surrounding area was covered in moldy gray moss that smelled like gym socks that had been stuffed with rotten onions and baby vomit. I took them and soaked them overnight.
136  Midnight snackcolleenDone216/11/2015
    I thought I could see through it. Was it a ghost? Uncertain, I reached out my hand and gingerly nudged the doughnut.
135  That New Smart PhonebettyDone226/10/2015
    For that, you probably want to consider buying a 15,000 amp generator. Who knows when another hurricane will come through or maybe an ice storm? Because if that happened we would all have to go back to writing cards and letters.
134  NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THISgregDone246/3/2015
    That'll teach 'em! his name must be stricken from the Lamb's Book of Life. That'll teach 'em! GIMME COOKIE!! his name must be stricken from the Lamb's Book of Life. That'll teach 'em! ME WANT COOKIE! GIMME COOKIE!! his name must be stricken from the Lamb's Book of Life.
133  Why me!?!!colleenDone236/3/2015
     Ethan will be glad to help you if you find your wallet is straining to hold all that money. First, we'll go out to lunch. Then we'll get a new phone. Then we'll get a PS4. and sure enough, an F5 tornado appeared out of nowhere and destroyed the whole town and everyone in it, including us.
132  Backyard ProjectsbettyDone225/28/2015
    That arrangement is perfect for the high school piano recital. We had been practicing for weeks, and had finally Kissed the day goodbye with a drop to the pillow.
131  Cupcakes!colleenDone225/26/2015
    Sweat trickled down his leg and got on the beam, and when he took his next step, he closed his eyes and took the first bite. Mmmmmmmm!
129  Climbing Enchanted RockbettyDone215/2/2015
    But an hour later I couldn't feel my feet they were throbbing so badly! So, I sat down to eat some calories before attempting the climb. Other important preparations include wearing thick socks, sturdy shoes,and drinking bottles and bottles of water. My dearest hope is that everyone will be responsible and keep their hands at the 9 o'clock and 3 o'clock positions on the steering wheel as they are driving their golf balls across the pitted rock dome, the sun started to set, and severe angst caused them to sit and have some pie and cookies.
128  I Need to Take a Trip !bettyDone224/16/2015
     I just had to spit it out onto the lawn. There, in the sun, I could see a big hydrogen firestorm.
127  Bonnie's New Tutoring JobbonnieDone274/16/2015
     It's hard to work through meal time! Using all that brain power was very draining. I could use a pepper-upper! Maybe there is something in the staff refrigerator I could sample.... Sure enough...I opened the door and found a cup of Whoop-Ass!
126  Getting Ready for New Year's EvebettyDone222/18/2015
    It's Regular Ordinary Swedish meal time flies when you're having fun! Or as the famous Latin phrase puts it: " Carpe Noctem !" So we worked through the night putting the final touches on the family portrait. If only everyone would stand still! If only I had remembered all the eggnog was gone! Why is the eggnog always gone?
125  New Year's ResolutionsbonnieDone2212/24/2014
    and drizzle them with Sriracha hot sauce! And habanero sauce! And Colleen's kick-yo-ass hot sauce! Maybe then it will be easier to accomplish.The first rule of making a good resolution is to make it specific.
124  Get Those Presents Wrapped !bettyDone2212/24/2014
     I think we deserve it ! Sit back, relax, and take a big sample of that egg nog !! I think we deserve it ! Now you are all set for a very Merry Christmas!
123  We Need a Plumber !bettyDone2212/12/2014
     My nose led me to the conclusion that we should call a plumber. It seems pretty obvious if the toilet won't even flush. Now what?! I went outside to get a fresh bucket of water, just in case it catches fire. With all the precautions in place, I threw caution to the wind and went for a spin in my Lamborghini Murcielago.
122  Christmas DecorationsbonnieDone2212/12/2014
     However, as he stepped over the threshold, he stepped into a cave. He could see tunnels to the SOUTH and NORTH beneath his torchlight.
121  I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!bettyDone2111/28/2014
    Get away from me with those unwashed hands, those filthy clothes, those rock formations look suspicious."
120  The Great BeyondxanderDone219/21/2014
     How did you get here? I bet you traveled on a expired visa! Bad boy! Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? I'm talking about the ICE, of course, and they don't have space suits safe enough to last over 6 months on Mars. So to be truly safe, they would need to suit up in 30 seconds or less!
119  Summer bonnieDone209/21/2014
    You can also use Skin-So-Soft Bath Oil. And after 30 minutes, you can add another layer of impermeable film. That will prevent water loss through evaporation. That will mean fewer times you have to refill the pitcher at your lemonade stand.
118  Best Video Game of the Year !bettyDone228/15/2014
    Last time we had an all-night video game marathon, the beer alone cost me all the money I made mowing lawns all summer! During those hot summer days I must have sweated 2 pints of O-positive.
117  The best movie EVER!!!colleenDone217/18/2014
    The lady said, "That'll be $700!" He gasped, and reached for his can of mace! Everyone dived under their seats, and immediately someone switched on the vacuum cleaner. But it was so loud, we couldn't hear the movie!
116  What I Saw When I Took A Walk IIgregDone235/28/2014
    Fortunately, I landed on my feet on a big pile of money. I said "Gimme that money!" But he said, You are under arrest! Face down on the ground! Put your hands behind your back stalked a ninja! He was there the ENTIRE TIME! When I realized that, I began to run as fast as I could to get home.
115  You know...bonnieDone2311/10/2013
    A nice, hot cup of tea, flavored with garlic. I thought, "That doesn't sound good for breakfast." For breakfast I would rather have one bar of dark chocolate than ten bars of "The Star-Spangled Banner". Taking a deep breath, I pulled in my stomach, stood on my tip toes and dived into the warm swaying sandworms that erupted from the dunes of Arrakis.
114  Whatever is on your mind !bettyDone2410/27/2013
    Hut one, hut two, there he goes! Quick!! Get on him, before he prepared the meal. Good hygiene is always optional when skydiving.
113  Nursery RhymegregDone2210/24/2013
    Warm milk goes down like silk. But warm tea goes down like vanilla pudding: smooth and chewed just as if it came out of a brand new electric stirring mechanism. So now if you have peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, or peas porridge in the pot nine days old, you can be assured it will be well-stirred even if you're not around.
112  Global Warming !bettyDone268/19/2013
    The streets were teeming with people donning their cheddar hats, colby jack vests, and of course, their feta shoes.
110  Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !bettyDone224/19/2013
    like a nice day at the beach with relaxing waves, shimmering sunlight, and lots of ketchup for the French fries. Heck, I'll order some onion rings too. And for dessert, we wanted Royal Crown Colas and Moon Pies !! How delicious! But things don't always taste the way we remember them....
109  ThanksgivingbonnieDone1912/19/2012
    Would any stores be open? I opened the phone book to look for Christmas presents.
108  I Blew Up My Lab!gregDone2110/26/2012
    I was at my wit's end! I figured I would clean it up with the blood of my enemies!
107  Christmas Shopping IIIbettyDone212/11/2012
    "Champagne?" The stewardess offered us complimentary drinks as bubbly as she was. Before anyone would take any of the glistening, tempting flutes, I barked, "NO. That's not champagne. It's actually going to be a Midnight Madness Sale and we will certainly be going to it and after that we want to get a bite to eat at the newly opened wormhole in the fabric of space!"
106  Let's Organize Your Garage !bettyDone227/25/2011
    Now I'll never have to hunt for a tool again! Because now there is a place for everything and everything is in its final stages. There was no time for making pizza. We are running out of time! We want to get all this cleaned up and haul all the junk to the Gloucester Short Lane ice cream parlor, where we ate so much we could barely fit in our newly-reorganized garage.
105  Christmas Shopping IIgregDone212/24/2011
    oh, you know. You see them on TV coming out in the dark of night searching for brains to eat. When you see them coming you must floor it! "Eat my dust, turkeys!" I yelled out the window as the car shot out of the stocking which was hanging on the mantle.
103  Zombie Attack!gregDone226/10/2010
     But by that point there must have been at least 1,000 zombies! They were now known to be in cahoots with the left wing red diaper doper babies.
102  The Art of DeclutteringbettyDone218/4/2009
    The next thing to do would be have a fire sale! Anything that didn't get sold would become kindling for the bonfire that would be against my better judgment to put the white underwear into the same drawer as the colored butterflies streamed through the sewer line so fast that everyone thought, "
101  The hathood of the traveling brown hat.rhondaDone213/20/2009
     What I needed was a big eagle's feather! That would look so cool on my hat. I got on the internet and ordered one from this company called " The Joke's on You, LLC." They specialize in sneaky stuff like letting the air out of the sweatband of the hat where I found a secret note!
100  The Nephews come to VisitgregDone2212/9/2008
    We also went from level 1 to level the concrete slab so that the new gazebo would not be crooked.
99  Laser Eye SurgerygregDone2010/3/2008
    Despite the title, the album doesn't have anything to do with eyes or vision, unlike another one of Michael's albums, titled "Visions of broken blood veins and serrated mucous membranes." Then the doctor stood back in amazement, and with great feeling he said, "
98  Abiathar the Superhero!gregDone214/27/2007
    With a single punch, Abiathar managed to finish his mission and start a new one, which was to rescue a mad scientist and kill all the lights before he made his big debut. But just as he was walking on stage, his grand entrance was spoiled by inferior weapons. Abiathar needed the pulverizer hammer which would be even stronger if he was carrying a load of dynamite in order to tie up Abiathar!
97  My New Video Game!bettyDone213/13/2007
     Let the battle begin! The music started, and then slowly emerging onto the screen was a giant box! I knew it was full of video games which I had ordered. I'm so skilled at 'em they only last a few days, max. That's why I have to soak my hands in hot paraffin every night.
96  Fixing up my GardengregDone221/29/2007
     Hey I thought it was supposed to be odorless! Maybe it stinks because I was supposed to pick up a truckload of hardwood bark mulch from the nursery.
95  Rearranging My New Tech RoombettyDone221/31/2007
    Next thing you know there was a computer virus on the screen, taunting you! It even took control of the speakers, and it was saying "Santa Claus is coming to town" over and over again until I could not stand it any longer, so I stood up and moved the cabinet of electronics components closer to the desk, so they'd be easy reach when they climbed down from the high cat tower.
94  Speeding Down the HighwaybettyDone2112/4/2006
    He tried pumping the brakes again to see if they really could go 120 mph. Well you'll never know unless you try! So they fastened their seatbelts, turned to each other and grinned and then they gasped in shock at the number of bugs that had shuffled off this mortal coil on their teeth.
93  Having SurgerygregDone2012/1/2006
    They were pretty sure though that the X-ray would show the presence of decades-old cysts the size of walnuts. They were everywhere! had to write out a final will and testament. He gravely wrote, "I, being of sound mind and body, do hereby express my wishes in this last will and testament."
92  Accountant at WorkgregDone214/1/2006
    One day the boss looked over my shoulder and started laughing hilariously, and then he bellowed, " I'm starvin'! I ain't had nuthin' to eat but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days! Why can't we have more toilet paper in here? Those rolls go down in a hurry, especially when all the managers flock around me like buzzards!
91  What I Saw When I Took a WalkbettyDone213/31/2006
    I peeked around and suddenly saw that someone was peeking back at me! It was none other than Mr. T, leaning out the window of his 1982 GMC van, yelling, "Get out of the road, sucka!" I ran toward the van to try and get his autograph, but he growled, "I ain't got time for your jibba-jabba, fool!"
90  Learning a Foreign LanguagegregDone222/4/2006
    Then we retaliated with a barrage of German invective. we snarled informally. Shocked, he picked his beret out of the muddy gutter, shook it off and put it on his resume.
89  Putting out Christmas LightsbettyDone212/3/2006
    They were givin away a big pink inflatable heart for Valentine's Day, which was just around the corner, and there it was: a brand new Hobby Shop stocked with every kind of Christmas light you could imagine!
88  Lazor Beam HydragregDone2212/16/2005
     Luckily, they had heard this brainteazor before, (or hopefully one of them was a good gueszor). "We accept your challenge!" He shouted, " You're no match for our shoulder-mounted quantum rocket launchers!" Without further ado or hesitation, he pulled out his Equalizor, opening very carefully the hatch, and peering in; there seemed to be a strange odor drifting out.
87  Concert at Chrysler HallbettyDone2112/14/2005
     We'll be eating peanut butter and rice for a month! But it was worth it, because life isn't measured in how many breaths you take, but in how many moments like these, I lift up a song, I lift up a love song, to Jesus!
86  Touring EuropebonnieDone2112/13/2005
    Already, I could hear the sound of heavy traffic. This made me feel very much like an Ugly American.
85  Christmas ShoppingbettyDone2212/1/2005
     It's that time of the year again! We bundled up and headed for the mall.
84  Working at McDonald'sgregDone2112/1/2005
    at least, he *would* be a customer if he ever made up his mind and ordered something. I tried not to smirk when the customer called me "Luv".
83  Trip to the Pumpkin PatchsherryDone2211/7/2005
    I shuddered; I now knew why I liked pumpkin pie so much. I could hardly wait to get back home so I could start making trouble for everyone.
82  test2gregDone249/16/2015
    You can't be sewious! Back to the Battle!!!!! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Back to the basics of the hip-hop scene, just a loop, and some lyrics, and a mic, you know what I mean?
81  Going Into Space IIgregDone2110/28/2005
    We landed on the dark side of the moon and off in the distance we could hear weird music, so we decided to go to light speed! What! No light speed??? Would it help if I released the emergency brake?
80  Taking Computer ClassbettyDone2010/27/2005
    But I didn't do that; instead, I started tearing pages out of my computer manual and folding them into paper airplanes and launching them around the room.
79  Cooking Show IIgregDone219/27/2005
    Next, chop the garlic into tiny bits at least small enough to fit into a cupcake holder!
78  Potty Training the TwinsbettyDone219/24/2005
    Then when I was busy in the kitchen, the twins drew on the calendar too. They drew pictures of monsters that will scare the poop out of them!!! Hahaha! We put them in the bathtub because it's just easier to wipe two bottoms at the same time.
77  Noisy NeighborsbonnieDone219/23/2005
    My workout was over, and now I could hear them again playing their awful rap music. Boy, do I hate it! Every time I hear it, I am ready to go up there and ask them if they could please take off their concrete shoes when they're walking around upstairs!
76  Driving Across CountrybettyDone229/16/2005
    There's no telling what we will do if we start down that mountain and our brakes give out!
75  NASCAR DaysgregDone219/9/2005
    They were going so fast, the asphalt was melting. The pavement started to get sticky, and that made the tires start to melt. I panicked at first until I learned my suit was really fireproof. Nobody but nobody wants to be in a fiery wreck and only be wearing a Kevlar vest and boxer briefs.
74  Conserving WaterbonnieDone229/9/2005
     Three days later, we were so thirsty our tongues were sticking to the plan. This is great news! At this rate, nobody's toilet in the entire county would ever flush completely again! So I went ahead and drank my own urine, since that was the only way to survive.
73  The Best Diet Ever!sherryDone218/31/2005
     Now that's what I call slim! Next thing you know, you'll be able to actually see your toes instead of your belly and put your wedding ring on without using petroleum jelly!
72  What a Yard Sale!bettyDone208/23/2005
    After that they didn't need to mow the lawn! The grass was all mashed down, because all the people had found such great bargains, and were so delighted, they asked us if we would consider administering a state-wide network of yard sales from an executive highrise in Manhattan.
71  Test PilotgregDone218/17/2005
    But as soon as I stood up, my head hit the ceiling! and take off my lucky socks. I didn't need them today--I felt like I could take on the world! And I didn't need a stupid navigator to tell me where we were. I knew perfectly well that we were over the coldest part of a TV dinner when you get it out of the microwave is always the center part.
70  A Day in the Life of a DorksherryDone218/14/2005
     "Why are you wearing 3-D glasses everywhere you go?" I asked. "I'm only doing that today," he answered, "tomorrow I'm going to upgrade my PDA to have 256 MB of RAM! she said, "I just can't relax unless I know that you have other clothes to wear besides one bearing logos and movie quips from Star Wars, Star Trek, Tron and Hackers, I'll never go out with you!"
69  Time for a Checkup!bonnieDone218/3/2005
    This sort of thing happens if you don't eat enough fiber, and then load up on cheese pizza. My recommendation is have a cup of hot tea and a small plate of three soft chewy dog treats, the kind with little meaty bit in the middle."
68  Building My New Cat CondobettyDone217/10/2005
    Another thing I tried was screwing into the ceiling one of those screws with the ring, or eye, on the end, and threading string through it in order to tie it to a dumbbell.
67  Putting Up WallpapergregDone216/12/2005
     I started to wonder if licking the backing was really the correct way to do this. I was going to need a lot more spit to get this job done.
66  My Newest Home Improvement Project!bettyDone205/17/2005
    I plugged it in and turned it on, but nothing happened. I just stood there for a second because I was so amazed that a ruptured gas line could shoot flames that high!
65  Phone CallbonnieDone215/9/2005
     He seems to be trying to find candidates for his galactic space marine training academy. "I'm only 18!" I argued.
64  Airline PilotgregDone214/23/2005
    So I adjusted the seat. Then it felt much better. Reaching for the throw-up bag would be a good idea.
63  I'm Not In It For The...bonnieDone214/6/2005
     You can find some strange things, like one time I found a fly in my soup so I killed the whole town. Another time I totally uppercut some guy because he opened a window." Now that's what I call a breakfast drink! 'Cause honey, I ain't in it for the cocoa, I'm in it for the marshmallows!
62  Hosting a Cooking ShowbettyDone214/12/2005
     "Who left the window open?" He shouted. "Close that window before that monkey gets in!"
61  Ain't It Cool?gregDone224/7/2005
    It's the soundtrack of life. You gotta have a belt with those pants if you don't want to be holding them up all day!
60  Competing with Starbuck'sbonnieDone214/2/2005
     I wish they would go work at becoming more efficient at the cash register!" He, with furrowed brow, and she, petulant, continued to argue over which was the best sweetener.
59  My First Ocean CruisebettyDone213/28/2005
    He could just imagine all those dolphins and whales jumping out of the water, so full joy, so full of lobsters it was ridiculous! Scraping them off was out of the question, so the best thing we could think to do was pry them off with a crowbar, clean them up and stew them. Well anyway I was ready to play shuffleboard!
58  Captain UnderpantsgregDone213/23/2005
    One after another, down they went, and I was helpless to control it. The pressure was just too much.
57  New Year's Resolutions!bonnieDone213/18/2005
     So we're focusing on diet, exercise, stress management and decluttering of house, home, and mind.
56  Saturday Morning's Cartoon MarathonbettyDone213/13/2005
     But it was the dishes, falling on the kitchen floor because the kids were up on the counter trying to get their own breakfast! The rockets landed with a great sound like a car crash!
55  Spy Base AlphagregDone213/8/2005
    It was going to go critical! We only had seconds to release the valves on the new oxygen tanks! We were successful with ten seconds to spare and then some bozo struck a match............... Through the bursts of flames we just stared at each other and caught our breath, reloaded, and continued firing.
54  Texas WinterbonnieDone203/3/2005
     I woke up to the sunbeams streaming through the slats of the window blinds. Something was different this morning...was it...quieter somehow...yes, the hum of the air conditioner was gone!
53  Christmas Shopping - 2004bettyDone202/26/2005
    And with that, I got out a notepad and pencil, and started planning for NEXT Christmas! An hour later my receipt showed up in my e-mail. And with that, I got out a notepad and pencil, and started planning for NEXT Christmas! I need to, umm, get some stuff." An hour later my receipt showed up in my e-mail.
52  Modeling AgencygregDone212/21/2005
    as, in shadow, they moved, tall and willowy through the revolving door, but they lacked the coordination to get out!
51  All I Need Is...bonnieDone212/16/2005
    But he wasn't listening; he was already counseling the next student over. Obviously I was going to have to figure this out for myself. i before e except after c... in which case jelly doughnuts will be your best bet.
50  My Summer at the Archeological DigbettyDone212/11/2005
    Nonchalantly, I disassembled the fallacious evolution display with a sledgehammer. Then I took it and gingerly brushed away the centuries of dust to discover that there in my own hand I held the actual genuine ignition key that went to the landscaper's riding lawnmower. "How did this get in here?"
49  Shopping at Lowe'sgregDone202/6/2005
     I needed some 2x4s and wood paneling, so I headed for Lowe's. When I got there I saw pickup trucks coming and going all day long. So Lowe's decided to stay open until midnight to accomodate all the purchases!
48  Anorexia TherapybonnieDone212/1/2005
     To add to the great nutritional value of the yogurt, you can add chopped tuna. That will add good protein without making you feel overfull. Eat quickly, and that saltine cracker will be gone before you know it. Now you may eat one Goldfish cracker. Next, eat some ice cream. This should remind you of the pleasure of eating.
47  Building My New House!bettyDone231/27/2005
    The swimming pool will go there, the miniature golf course there, and the toolshed had to be demolished to make room for the new inground swimming pool which would be reinforced with steel, 3 inches thick.
46  Ultimate Ninja IIgregDone211/22/2005
    Even louder, he screamed, " GET LOSE!! YOU CANNOT COMPARE WITH MY POWERS!!" As powerful as he was, he couldn't resist by Cloud of Ten Lightning Fists. "For great justice!" I cried, and "All your base are belong to us!" Then I jumped over the wall and into the swirling vortex of fear!
45  Election Day!bettyDone211/17/2005
     Then John Edwards told him, "It would really be to your advantage to settle on one candidate, especially the one who wanted to lower taxes and advocated more refreshments for the people who went to the trouble to come out to vote!
44  A Day in the Life of...bonnieDone201/12/2005
     Ahh, the fresh air! Ahh, the sound of songbirds in the trees! Ahh, the smell of freedom! It smelled like grass, and trees, and dew. I stepped out but he could hear the millions of soldier-ant feet marching, on the move to their next conquest was to round up all the squirrels and ship them to Alaska.
43  High School CarwashgregDone201/7/2005
     It was like a river of foamy green beer. he explained jovially. We looked at him like we was nuts. We took it and squeezed it as hard as we could. Then we took both ends and twisted them into mangled balls of metal.
42  Pushed Over the EdgebonnieDone211/2/2005
    When this happens, you can't get a word in, so your best strategy is to put on your ninja mask and draw your ninja sword.
41  Cleaning Out the GaragebettyDone2112/28/2004
     I'll just put this Dr. Enuf into the freezer to get cold. It will really taste good with a piece of moldy bread!"
40  HULK SMASH!gregDone2012/23/2004
    No one knew what to do. Then, Russell Young walked in dragging his dentist, who said, "You don't need those teeth!" Rip! Russell screeched, and yelled, " IT MUST BE SOMEWHERE, BUT WHERE?!" Bricks were flying , windows shattering, the asphalt rippled and disintegrated with every impact.
39  Joining the PTAbonnieDone2012/18/2004
     In order to have lots of crafts to sell, they spent all year collecting all sorts of proof that the teachers weren't doing ther job. Well, one in particular. This guy looked like....well..Dilbert with a problem.
38  Going to the County FairbettyDone2012/13/2004
     But we controlled ourselves and decided to give him the riot act. He was behaving like a crazy judge out to block anyone and everyone from winning a blue ribbon, much less the coveted county prize: the purple ribbon.
37  News at 11gregDone2012/8/2004
    Here with their opinions on this story are economics expert Bylo Sellhi, and psychologist Druggum Tilltheyzone: "It is simple to see that John Kerry is a drugged up spendthrift."
36  Investigating VegetarianismbonnieDone2112/3/2004
    And the fudge sundae cart behind that. Get ready to mash those soybeans and mold the tofu into shapes resembling flowers. Admittedly, that artistic effort, combined with the variety of color in the salad made it extraordinarily beautiful.
35  Boppy's Trip to TexasbettyDone2111/28/2004
    Everything tastes good in a tortilla! Meat, eggs, cheese, even chopped veggies mixed with ranch dressing, peanut butter, honey, butter, and more peanut butter.
34  Dance ClassbonnieDone2111/23/2004
    (SPLAT!) The class all laughed, because they knew she was just not the type. Their only recourse was to join the Army. Fortunately, they breezed through all the physical training and went on to become decorated infantry.
33  The Minotaur KinggregDone2111/18/2004
    He howled, more in anger than pain for nothing could make a person madder than a knock on the nose.
32  The Bizarre BazaarbonnieDone2011/13/2004
    As the dust settled and my panic eased, I calmly put my .357 Magnum back in its holster and continued my search for stuffed moose heads to hang on my office wall. I could find only one and it was moth-eaten and shedding bits of leprous skin with every step.
31  My Trip Around the WorldbettyDone2111/8/2004
    The lead one proclaimed, "You have trespassed on holy ground, infidel, now you will put on your scuba gear because we are going underwater. We will swim to that shark cage, get in, lock the gate, and wait anxiously for nightfall. I'm exhausted!" Trying to keep up with Lance Armstrong is just impossible!
30  Downtown PrecinctgregDone2211/3/2004
    To clean them, he will probably want us to use stun guns. "Have you had any experience with those?" "Actually, no, I've never seen such a gruesome murder.
29  Growing Up on a FarmbettyDone2110/29/2004
    "Next time you'll know better! Now y'all get on up-par and feed the horses." Dad only made us work half-days. It didn't matter to him which twelve hours it was. Next we had to kill the hogs to make bacon and sausage. Granddaddy would put his fingers in his ears because he did not want to hear the gunshot.
28  The Dinosaur WorldbonnieDone2110/24/2004
     We sat down and caught our breath. "We need to find some water," I said. "It's so humid and hot here. I'm so sweaty." Everyone agreed and started looking around. "Look at all these fossilized bones. I wonder how old they really are. Would they be as old as me?"
27  Gardening with BettygregDone2010/19/2004
    fertilizer. You can use it for digging up earthworms. You know those slick wiggly creatures that are so good for the soil.
26  On the Open RoadbonnieDone2110/14/2004
    she slurred with anger. "WHERE'S MY LUNCH!" Just then, Weldon appeared with a Rally's bag in each hand, giggling. Weldon, that is, not the Rally's bags. She grabbed them and shook them. And then ran. Kicking up dust, hollering at women, and playing music too loud. That's par for the course when you're in a motorcycle gang.
25  The International VillagebonnieDone2110/9/2004
     There is pandemonium over there, and right now we are in dire need of a plan, a strategy, to bring down the tyrannical International Village, despite our being heavily outmanned and outgunned."
24  Weekend in ParisgregDone2110/4/2004
     How can they taste all the gourmet food when there's body odor attempting to hide under copious perfume everywhere you turn? "I don't know," I said. "I guess they just are all born rude.
23  Xander Goes ShoppingbettyDone229/29/2004
    Let's see if the robbers are still in the parking lot." We dashed out and found them sitting in a puddle of urine. They didn't get to the bathroom in time! "Oh well," I said, "Who wants those old toys made in China anyway? I think Ethan and I can make better toys on our own.
22  Fart DictionarybonnieDone219/24/2004
     Maybe it's to interrupt conversations with long drawn-own guttural (Yeah from the gut to be sure!) sounds that brought with them whisps of sickening smells that were sure to make even a strong man wilt like a flower that's been in the sun too long.
21  Boot CampgregDone219/19/2004
    I don't wanna got to Iraq! I'm scared!" the Sarge growled, "You're goin'! So pull yourself together and straighten up that posture, soldier!
20  Good Old Pop's Drive-inbettyDone219/14/2004
     Here, rinse it off with this sprayer. NOT AT ME! Aim it that way!" Quickly, I retrieved the wiggling hose and finished cleaning up.
19  Going Back to CollegebettyDone219/9/2004
    Ha ha ho ho." At this, we slowly backed out of the room and ran lickety split down the hall yelling our lungs out, "Help! Help! We need help!" Hearing our calls, suddenly out of the dean's office appeared a lovely young woman. From her shiny blonde hair to her pretty face, impeccable spring pastel suit and pristine, stylish shoes, she was the picture of confident perfection.
18  If You Give a Mouse a CookiebonnieDone219/4/2004
    Martin! Do you have any CHEESE?!! We want CHEESE!! We ain't had nothin' to eat for three stinkin' days but this moldy bread.
17  Our Summer VacationbettyDone218/30/2004
     The colors blended in the evening twilight until they all resembled mud pies. "How will we ever get all this mud off?"
16  Trapped in a MinegregDone218/25/2004
     I am afraid I am going to fall into a dead end! Stunned with discouragement, no one spoke for a few moments. "I wish we had a stereo. Then we could listen to tunes while waiting to be rescued."
14  Our Visit to the LibrarybonnieDone218/15/2004
     BE QUIET!" And then he yelled it again with even more emphasis," REVENGE IS SWEET, AND A DISH BEST SERVED COLD!!" By this time the cops had arrived and everything got very confusing after that.
13  Stress Reduction TechniquesbonnieDone238/10/2004
     Everyone please take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of beer on the wall! (giggle!)" About an hour later we were all too drunk to stand up, but we sure weren't stressed anymore. If we could all just CALM DOWN! Everyone please take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of beer on the wall!
12  My New Job at Burger KingbettyDone208/5/2004
     I get to spread big slabs of lard on the grill, before I start frying the sausage. All the customers just love the big hot greasy patties served with generous chunks of meat. What kind of meat?
11  Cooking with GrandmabettyDone227/31/2004
    "I don't know what to do with all these eggshells. Maybe I should crush them into little bits and bake them in the oven and feed them back to the chickens.
10  Ultimate NinjagregDone227/26/2004
    He stealthily lunged out from under cover, and they immediately began shooting 360 degrees around their location, blowing away over half the threat in the first 4 seconds.
 Wall Street BluesgregDone227/16/2004
    I want it black, black, black with extra coffee. Now, I also want all your money. I mean ALL of it. Hand it over or I will give you a million dollars in exchange for leaving the country and never mentioning this again!"
 Going into SpacebettyDone217/11/2004
    In fact... exclaimed Sam with barely contained glee. Unfortunately, he was wearing his kyptonite underwear that day, and they all parachuted out into a black hole of oblivion. Because of the low gravity, the buildings were very tall, so tall, in fact, that they were able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
 Ye Olde Medieval DaysbettyDone217/1/2004
    Thus began the century-long "Reign of Terror." and then threw back his own with peals of diabolical laughter.
 Barrister the Lawyer CatbettyDone216/26/2004
     Here was the judge, jury, attorneys, the whole court coming into his store! We are going to get this matter settled once and for all, said the judge as he beckoned Lord Elsington to even higher status within the SSBC: Secret Society of British Cats. "I want my toys back now!"
 The Big ConundrumbettyDone216/21/2004
    He waved at him, and yelled, "Where did you graduate from? Podunk U.?!! Your degree must have been written with invisible ink!" He started to sit down, but then yelled again, "
 Woo baby!gregDone216/16/2004
    Bonnie nodded gleefully, and handed her a big basket of individually wrapped rolls of toilet paper. A bonus to be sure! She stored them in the back pocket of her blue jeans. She also had a holster for a Colt .45, which she kept cleverly hidden under her jacket.
 Big ComputergregDone186/11/2004
    "I want cheese on mine!" Greg whined. But Chad said, I've just about had it with these mice in the attic; It's time to take aggressive measures. Therefore I will dump this load of manure just where it will do the most good. And the best place for that will be in the kitchen, where the food is.