Betty's Turn-Down Game

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Story ID	Title	Creator	Status	Num Entries	Date Finished
174	Springtime in Virginia	betty	Done	22	12/27/2022
Where did we land? We landed right in a big pile of dry leaves! The pleasant earthy smell of po-tay-toes! Boil em, mash em, stick inna stew! which reminds me I haven't eaten a meal yet today. Hmmm... I think I would like some more lilacs, because they smell so good.
173	Daylight Saving Time !	betty	Done	23	4/21/2021
Most other people would flee or cower in the face of such peril, but we could always count on him to fire up the grill!! Get those steaks ready!! He was always generous with sprinkling the garlic salt, but he was very careful with the bottle of 1931 Sauvignon Blanc from France.
172	A Winter Day in the Wilderness	bonnie	Done	22	2/15/2021
We then proceeded to wend our way through Wendy's, admiring everyone's entree as we approached the front counter. We stared transfixed at the huge, lit-up menu, offering a panoply of mouth-watering pies, sweet and savory. There was even food for the animals! Suet for the birds, hay for the deer, and for the squirrels, there was no end of torment.
171	Oh, the weather outside is frightful...	betty	Done	22	12/31/2020
Then they slammed down the phone, jumped up and down, and stomped into the mud room. Most people's mud rooms have a bench where you can sit down and take off your muddy boots before you go into the house.
170	The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!	betty	Done	23	1/13/2020
I guess I could find out on my phone, but turkey grease had dripped all over it and it was so slippery that I quickly had to unwrap a stick of butter and vigorously whipped the buttery mashed potatoes into a big mound of dog crap.
169	A Breath of Fresh Air	bonnie	Done	22	11/15/2019
Someone else does it for him, just as when he wants to sit down, what do you think happens?? He realized he broke a string in the last movement!
168	Toiling at 3 a.m.	betty	Done	22	10/13/2019
I picked up my shotgun, set it in its place in the gunrack, and checked it off on my inventory list. Whew! This itemization for homeowner's insurance was going to take FOREVER! category for an hour and I wasn't even halfway through!
167	The Reckoning of the Kiwis	xander	Done	22	7/28/2019
Their superhuman strength and reflexes could do them no good from within the containment field, which was also resilient enough to contain a fusion bomb's detonation.
166	Somebody's Gotta Do It !	betty	Done	22	7/8/2019
On that note her cousin from France came for a visit and her name was... VoilaLeiya! That cousin from France was a little strange, she had peculiar habits like washing her dishes in the bidet, injecting Thai hot sauce into her croissants before eating them, and always driving LalaLeiya and her cousin around to see the sights, and we could never pass a Long John Silver's without their putting up a big fuss.
165	I love Thunderstorms !	betty	Done	21	6/10/2019
The Shadow knows. And you know who else knows? Why of course: Thunderstorms' trainer, big brother, and Union Jack-adorned fellow wrestler, London Bridge. Bridge was the broadest of wrestlers in the league, and about twice as wide as a mere mortal. He tried not to walk sideways to get through most doorways but he had to anyway, and he took in stride when the rest of us ribbed him about it.
164	Wrapping those Christmas Presents !	betty	Done	23	1/9/2019
And garnish it with olives and lemon slices. How cool! When the martini glasses were all empty, we washed them with our carpet shampooer.
163	Let's Set Fire to the Woods	xander	Done	21	12/7/2018
Everything your body needs. But it looks and tastes like snot so wash it down with very dry sticks and pine straw.
162	Some Kind of Adventure	xander	Done	23	9/10/2018
It was probably fair to divide it evenly amongst the group, but Greg is definitely the strongest and would probably contribute more to global warming or maybe even global cooling. Who knows? Let's call up a Harvard professor and ask him if he knows why the room is glowing orange.
161	That Garage !	betty	Done	22	8/9/2018
Man! What a find! I think they should be displayed in the Alamo gift shop! Right next to all the boxes full of stuff ready to donate to the thrift store!
160	I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?	betty	Done	24	8/3/2018
How fun! And you definitely need some actual sunglasses if you're going to have an outside job in the summer, as well as a hat, sunscreen, and obviously you also need to have the emergency number nearby in case of a drunk late night customer.
159	A large, healthy tuft of stump grass	bonnie	Done	22	7/18/2018
Ohhh, poor little thing! All alone! All it needs is a nice sunny spot and some rain now and then! Passersby may or may not care to stop and admire the large healthy tuft of iridescent green light, shimmering and floating before our eyes. It was transcendent. Mesmerized, we ate popcorn and drank beer while the spectacle continued.
158	Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse	betty	Done	21	7/11/2018
Of course not! But we must be reasonable. Wild animals belong back in their natural habitats which could be the jungle, savannah, or maybe the deep, dark secrets of the mind.
157	Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus	betty	Done	22	7/6/2017
They were everywhere at once. As soon as any player was in the least bit of jeopardy, he would take the ball and throw it out the dorm window onto the crowd of new freshmen coming in.They started yelling and running toward the gym.
156	San Antonio Vacation	greg	Done	22	5/27/2017
"That's yankee territory! I don't want no yankee syrup. I may as well have this with a side of socialism and a hot mug of Bernie Sanders Uber Alles. Give me a bottle of Mrs. of A!"
155	Will That Snow Ever Melt? !	betty	Done	21	2/5/2017
These featured steel posts that would dig into the ice so you can melt the snow so you can flush your toilet!
154	Different Pizza Toppings	greg	Done	21	1/11/2017
For starters, you could have salad, breadsticks, or everyone's favorite--stuffed mushrooms! Appetizers get people in the mood of a party! Other good ideas include Burger King, Wendy's, and Hardee's, if you get tired of having pizza all the time.
153	But I don't want to!	bonnie	Done	20	11/13/2016
The word of the Lord came to Jonah: "Go to Nineveh and preach against political correctness and with great vigor. We are sick and tired of it. I put it into the same category as washing the dog: every day is overkill, but waiting a month is too long."
152	We Need More Enthusiasm !	betty	Done	22	10/16/2016
There were so many that we didn't know where to look! I told everybody, "Just remember how we rehearsed it: Keep smiling and always brush your teeth before you do. Buy a dentist-approved toothbrush and a big tube of t-shirts to shoot into the crowd!"
151	Xander's New Dorm Room	bonnie	Done	21	9/9/2016
Welcome to Engineering Country!Now proceed into the Student Center where you will be issued a tote bag full of water guns. The pool party should be fun!" Of course there will be a need for towels to wipe up the floor after the shaving cream fight!
150	Trying to Keep Cool !	betty	Done	22	8/20/2016
Were you trying to scrape wallpaper off with them or something? Have you no respect for running into the back of me??
149	The Stump Vine	bonnie	Done	21	4/26/2016
That's the second stump vine to die this season. I had no idea it would handle the change in climate so poorly, from indoors moving to Alaska was going to be monumental! Should I sell everything and buy all new there or rent a moving van?
148	Laundry	colleen	Done	20	4/2/2016
Ain't nobody got time for that! My mind started going through all the things I could be doing instead: playing Minecraft, watching Youtube videos, I could even see the stains had all but disappeared!
147	It's snowing!!!	colleen	Done	29	2/22/2016
Get cartons of them at Costco and store them in shoeboxes which were then shoved under the bed, next to the pile of slush the dog fell into! it was actually mighty spicy!! However, I must add more hot if I'm going to have a snowball fight, I need to build a fort!
145	Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!	betty	Done	21	2/5/2016
Then, nonchalantly Bonnie walked out of the airplane and down the ramp. When she got to the bottom, she dug in the sand with her hands, feverishly trying to find the return plane ticket.
144	Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!	colleen	Done	20	1/10/2016
It must have weighed two pounds. It almost covered the plate! Next to it was a plastic pot containing a pitiful plant, nearly dead from lack of internet service. When will it come back on?? I am so bored!!
143	Resolutions for the New Year !	betty	Done	22	1/9/2016
I resolve to refrain from eating bowl after bowl of baked beans.
142	Ordering Online Christmas Presents !	betty	Done	21	12/14/2015
If you can't sing at least the first verse of Folsom Prison Blues, you'll get kicked out of the 4-H Club faster than you can say " Merry Christmas!" Or you can say, " Pay for it with my Discover Dollars!! Woo hoo!!"
141	Dual Composters	greg	Done	21	12/13/2015
That way it will be super-easy to make tons of money selling homemade compost !! !!! That way it will be super-easy to make tons of money selling homemade compost !! We positioned it right at the end of a row of green beans. !!! That way it will be super-easy to make tons of money selling homemade compost !!
140	Deli Bologna	greg	Done	22	11/28/2015
!! They must have come from the bottom of the fridge, behind puddles of spilled condiments and half-rotted vegetables. The odor of it all made me swell with joy. Smiling, eyes closed, I took a little taste....yum...How delightful.
139	Getting Ready for Fall !	betty	Done	21	10/29/2015
But the skydive instructor wouldn't relent. he yelled over the noise of the plane's engines. "Now get ready for the fall!" He roughly shoved me toward the edge of the precipice. Talk about getting ready to fall! Getting ready for falling? Thinking fast, I ran down the hill trying to stay ahead of the rolling pumpkin.
138	Slatherage	greg	Done	21	9/16/2015
And when Spring comes, gently layer it around the exposed dirt. The next thing to do is to take some string and weave a hanging basket.
137	Growing Those Tomatoes !	betty	Done	21	8/1/2015
As I cautiously walked closer, a flock of birds which came closer and closer, flew over the tomatoes, came back, flew down and plucked every single tomato off the vines and then flew away !! I couldn't believe my eyes!
136	Midnight snack	colleen	Done	21	6/11/2015
But that might be tricky to manage AT MIDNIGHT! You'll have to rely on supplements or special blended shakes fortified with lead?!?!? Seriously, lead?!?!? Who puts that in a box of chocolate covered cherries. I picked one out and looked closely and crawling out of it, I saw a grayish-white shadow.
135	That New Smart Phone	betty	Done	22	6/10/2015
A relaxing game that makes me feel insecure. The only thing that could settle my nerves now would be if I could take some time to remove all the apps I don't like. Yeah like that new Alpha Betty game, it is not exactly fun and reminds me of HAL, the creepy computer in that science fiction movie.
134	NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS	greg	Done	24	6/3/2015
Everyone was gathering into little groups to avoid talking to him. Then suddenly he came toward us and said, "I want my two dollars!" Panicking, I slept. Zzzzzzz Garfield was asleep again. Odie was just staring at him and then he decided to wash & polish his motorcycle and get it all ready to take to Texas !
133	Why me!?!!	colleen	Done	23	6/3/2015
Then we'll get a new phone. Then we'll get a PS4. and sure enough, an F5 tornado appeared out of nowhere and destroyed the whole town and everyone in it, including us.
132	Backyard Projects	betty	Done	22	5/28/2015
Sweat was running into my eyes, mosquitoes were biting me, and worst of all, the only solution I could find online was to use pesticide.
131	Cupcakes!	colleen	Done	22	5/26/2015
I had to have plenty of room to make the icing made with butter and powdered sugar. Into that, sprinkle some delicately iced with pastel swirls of curled ribbon. The most delicious part is the unique combination of chocolate chips, coconut, chopped pecans, and held together by welded high-gauge wire.
129	Climbing Enchanted Rock	betty	Done	21	5/2/2015
It could also be caused by heavy and drenching downpours of rain which then froze over the entire Rock when the temperature suddenly dropped.
128	I Need to Take a Trip !	betty	Done	22	4/16/2015
Confident I'd be OK, I took a big bite and froze. Never in my life had I ever tasted anything so disgusting and horrible. It must have been past its expiration date! I just had to spit it out onto the lawn. There, in the sun, I could see a big hydrogen firestorm. Scary! Good thing I was not looking directly at it, and a good thing I was wearing my asbestos underwear!
127	Bonnie's New Tutoring Job	bonnie	Done	27	4/16/2015
Well, she knew she never wanted the children to go hungry, so if anyone forgot his or her snack, I would gladly give him or her part of my granola bar. It's hard to work through meal time!
126	Getting Ready for New Year's Eve	betty	Done	22	2/18/2015
Get that out of there before it explodes! We can't have a big mess all over the place when our company arrives!" We are expecting at least 10,000 pounds of bacon being consumed at the synagogue open house.
125	New Year's Resolutions	bonnie	Done	22	12/24/2014
I could scarcely do worse!" So the next morning try again. Every new day is a new chance to redeem all your failures of last year simply by giving yourself room to dream of the possibilities.
124	Get Those Presents Wrapped !	betty	Done	22	12/24/2014
The wrapping paper I bought on Dec. 26....where was it??I found all of it in the back of the car. The first step is to acquire the presents. Second, you have to get someone to put their finger in the middle of a bow, so you can pull out just as much as you need.
123	We Need a Plumber !	betty	Done	22	12/12/2014
uh-oh. There are three things you never want to hear your plumber say: "Uh-oh", "This is really going to cost a lot", and " I need a gas mask! Open a window! Go next door and borrow a plumber's snake, the electric kind with lots of power! It's okay to rent those because they disinfect them with a substance called Liquid Nails which I bought online from a company named Tethys, after the Titaness of fresh water."
122	Christmas Decorations	bonnie	Done	22	12/12/2014
I stared quizzically at Vladimir Putin, who was in turn staring intensely at a full-size horse and licking his lips. With a glorious roar, he hefted it over his shoulders and tried to go through the front door.
121	I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!	betty	Done	21	11/28/2014
The stench was unbearable and permeated every corner of the room. We needed a room freshener bad !! So I sprayed the room with a can of Whoop-Ass! When everyone saw me opening it, they knew they were in dire straits when they entered the cave and deep within they saw a tumor! "That thing is enormous!"
120	The Great Beyond	xander	Done	21	9/21/2014
Several of the most hilarious suggestions included Don't forget your underwear.
119	Summer	bonnie	Done	20	9/21/2014
Plus during the heat of the day we will be under the gun to finish all fun and games we'd been planning on having a big family picnic; so we called everyone and asked them each to bring a basket of posies, so we could dance around them and sing morbid songs about the bubonic plague.
118	Best Video Game of the Year !	betty	Done	22	8/15/2014
What the hell?!?!?! What a bad game ending!!! But what an awesome game. And with that, the screen went blank!! What the hell?!?!?! What a bad game ending!!!
117	The best movie EVER!!!	colleen	Done	21	7/18/2014
"HEY!! SHUT THAT OFF!" I yelled. Then some other people also stood up, put their hands over their hearts, and with great gusto, they sang " Should old acquaintance[s] be forgot, and never brought to mind, then I'll never see you again, and that suits me just fine."
116	What I Saw When I Took A Walk II	greg	Done	23	5/28/2014
sign. I had come too far and seen too much to stop now! So I kept going until I reached the end of of the road...and there was the sun setting in a gorgeous display of orange and gold !! When I realized that, I began to run as fast as I could to get home.
115	You know...	bonnie	Done	23	11/10/2013
Want a return to the moral, family values that made this country great? Then you need to put your feet up sometimes. Do you want more freedom? Want a return to the moral, family values that made this country great?
114	Whatever is on your mind !	betty	Done	24	10/27/2013
Call the plumber! This is a job for a professional! Do not try to eat beans that have not been cooked long enough.. They may cause a tremendous amount of gas and you will feel quite light-headed. The remedy for that is to be totally relaxed, have warm socks on your feet, and be ready to tackle the quarterback!
113	Nursery Rhyme	greg	Done	22	10/24/2013
So now if you have peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, or peas porridge in the pot nine days old, you can be assured it will be well-stirred even if you're not around. It only takes a spark to get a fire going so they could have a giant Humpty-Dumpty omlette!
112	Global Warming !	betty	Done	26	8/19/2013
To ensure it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands, I wrapped it in brown paper, tied it up with twine, and hid it in the attic. This thing could wipe out a whole solar system.
110	Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !	betty	Done	22	4/19/2013
My eyes bugged out, my face flushed red, and I thought for sure any second I was going to bring back a bunch of souvenirs, but when I looked in my wallet, all I had left was one Twinkie. It was the last cake in the entire world of the once-fabled Hostess cake company.
109	Thanksgiving	bonnie	Done	19	12/19/2012
I didn't have time now to baste the turkey. Drat! I just turned it over and dabbed on plenty of makeup before leaving the house. "You look like a street walker!" I exclaimed. "You go to Dollar General to find a knife sharpener but instead you come home with a large group of hungry friends and acquaintances!
108	I Blew Up My Lab!	greg	Done	21	10/26/2012
Straight from the can! Deee-licious! Now I am going to mix it all up in my new blender. Ooops! I forgot to put on the lid!
107	Christmas Shopping III	betty	Done	21	2/11/2012
So I stuck out my thumb and hoped for the best. Believe it or not down the road came a knick-knack, paddywack, give a dog a wrapped-up box of chew bones and when he tears the wrapper off he will bite into a raw onion!
106	Let's Organize Your Garage !	betty	Done	22	7/25/2011
The neighbors saw us, and said "You are so dumb. Don't you know how to do anything?!! This is the way to do it: First, stack up the ammo boxes you have scattered all over the floor.
105	Christmas Shopping II	greg	Done	21	2/24/2011
oh, you know. You see them on TV coming out in the dark of night searching for brains to eat. When you see them coming you must floor it! "Eat my dust, turkeys!" I yelled out the window as the car shot out of the stocking which was hanging on the mantle.
103	Zombie Attack!	greg	Done	22	6/10/2010
It was a quiet, bright morning in Uptown Suburbia, USA. I went outside to water my plants, when suddenly I heard the deep guttural voice of a zombie! It scared me so badly that I screamed, " Where's my money, you silly stupid old fool?"
102	The Art of Decluttering	betty	Done	21	8/4/2009
As a male, I know how to get things done. And the first thing to do is play a few missions in City Of Heroes just to get your blood flowing. The next thing to do would be have a fire sale! Anything that didn't get sold would become kindling for the bonfire that would be against my better judgment to put the white underwear into the same drawer as the colored butterflies streamed through the sewer line so fast that everyone thought, "
101	The hathood of the traveling brown hat.	rhonda	Done	21	3/20/2009
What I needed was a big eagle's feather! That would look so cool on my hat. I got on the internet and ordered one from this company called "
100	The Nephews come to Visit	greg	Done	22	12/9/2008
It was really great to see how much taller they had become. Why their two heads reached all the way to the moon and back.
99	Laser Eye Surgery	greg	Done	20	10/3/2008
Then the doctor stood back in amazement, and with great feeling he said, " Your insurance will not cover this! Just how do you intend to take out the eyeball and lay it on the cheek just long enough to read the eye chart perfectly.
98	Abiathar the Superhero!	greg	Done	21	4/27/2007
But he wouldn't be staying there for long. With a single punch, Abiathar managed to finish his mission and start a new one, which was to rescue a mad scientist and kill all the lights before he made his big debut.
97	My New Video Game!	betty	Done	21	3/13/2007
Now for the next 500 points I would have to load up on missiles and ammo and armor before I woke up I had another dream about the battle! This time the robot enemies chased me into a cave full of ogres!
96	Fixing up my Garden	greg	Done	22	1/29/2007
I had to choose between organic compost or that big bag of hot air, Joe Blow or Joe Schmoe or whatever his name is. Always offering unsolicited advice. I've got half a mind to take a nap in the nearby hammock. Last summer I had installed the hammock between two pillars made of marble.
95	Rearranging My New Tech Room	betty	Done	22	1/31/2007
Not only would games run faster, but I could never banish the cats from the tech room even though they often wreak havoc with the local radio stations. Melodic crooning by the likes of Barry Manilow were interrupted by a big knock-down, drag-out cat fight. Wow, the fur did fly! Next thing you know there was a computer virus on the screen, taunting you!
94	Speeding Down the Highway	betty	Done	21	12/4/2006
They were blocking the road, so I slammed on the brakes and turned in to a McDonald's drive-thru. I really needed a new line of work. There just isn't as much money in moving moonshine across state lines like there used to be.
93	Having Surgery	greg	Done	20	12/1/2006
What I want is for all this bleeding to stop!" I've lived a long, full life and don't have any regrets.
92	Accountant at Work	greg	Done	21	4/1/2006
That's why I always read the Dilbert cartoon as soon as I get to work. That turns out to be the best part of the day for me because he makes me feel like I'm in control of my financial destiny.
91	What I Saw When I Took a Walk	betty	Done	21	3/31/2006
Yes, you just won't believe what I saw when I took a walk. big scratchy boils on the back on my neck. I needed to see a doctor about that. So I took my cell phone and quickly dialed for help. I was in desperate straits! As soon as possible, I needed to go really bad!
90	Learning a Foreign Language	greg	Done	22	2/4/2006
I decided to take a 4-week crash course on French. I'd never studied a foreign language, but there's no time like the present for developing a smooth accent.
89	Putting out Christmas Lights	betty	Done	21	2/3/2006
They must be coming from Mars! We're being invaded on Christmas!" He ran inside the house to call the electric company because the power seemed to be off.
88	Lazor Beam Hydra	greg	Done	22	12/16/2005
It looks brand new! It's so sparkly, it must be alive! I wondered what would happen if I touched it, so I did.
87	Concert at Chrysler Hall	betty	Done	21	12/14/2005
The mayor was there, several state councilmen were there, we even saw George Allen, John Warner, and Harvey Morgan in the foyer, and they were having a heated discussion about which burned longer: a violin or a viola. he exclaimed. He cracked his knuckles and proceded to sing their little hearts out.
86	Touring Europe	bonnie	Done	21	12/13/2005
That was a bad idea, because we landed headlong in a deep ditch full of soupy mud! I couldn't help but shut my eyes tight as our speeding car swerved completely off the prescription medication he had been taking to calm his nerves.
85	Christmas Shopping	betty	Done	22	12/1/2005
He stomped his feet and then he yelled, " God bless us, every one!" A tear ran down my cheek as a sudden blast of frigid, snowy air reddened my nose, numbed my cheeks, caught my breath and blew all my packages into a snowdrift. You stupidhead!" He stomped his feet and then he yelled, "
84	Working at McDonald's	greg	Done	21	12/1/2005
The employee's eyes bugged out and he screamed "I want a refill! NOW!!!" But he didn't understand that we never clean off the tables unless the manager yells at us; which he usually does every hour: He yells, " Orrrder uuuuuup!"
83	Trip to the Pumpkin Patch	sherry	Done	22	11/7/2005
I shuddered; I now knew why I liked pumpkin pie so much. I could hardly wait to get back home so I could start making trouble for everyone.
82	test2	greg	Done	24	9/16/2015
That's why I wear dorky clothes and spike my hair with glittery gel. Who knows? I might be spotted by the next agency of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy.
81	Going Into Space II	greg	Done	21	10/28/2005
Because you don't want to get scurvy when you're halfway to getting your Junior Astronaut degree! Now all you need to do is finish these cheetos while making some last minute calculations to ensure our safe arrival back to earth. One never knows what will happen if you transpose the warp stream with the antimatter containment field, you will surely lose your breakfast in a hurry, unless you made sure first that you fasten your helmet securely, fasten your oxygen hose, and secure you must be, and I the all-wise one, tell you I will, that you really had better know what you're doing by now!
80	Taking Computer Class	betty	Done	20	10/27/2005
NO! And if someone did, he would probably use DOS! Or Windows 3.1!! Ha ha ha!" We all had a big laugh. But the truth was hard to swallow; in fact I was so overwhelmed, that I had to make the computer do what the teacher wanted it to do!
79	Cooking Show II	greg	Done	21	9/27/2005
They also will alleviate constipation, especially for people who eat a lot of pasta! This is so versatile, you can even use it to shell hard-boiled eggs.
78	Potty Training the Twins	betty	Done	21	9/24/2005
Hahaha! We put them in the bathtub because it's just easier to wipe two bottoms at the same time.
77	Noisy Neighbors	bonnie	Done	21	9/23/2005
They aren't just noisy, they are very dirty people too! I just hate having to pick up all their 10-pound weights on the floor. I mean it. They must be major weightlifters because that's exactly what it sounds like: dumbells on the floor next to my barbell and other weight equipment.
76	Driving Across Country	betty	Done	22	9/16/2005
I opened the window to breathe some fresh air, but all I could smell was bacon and coffee. That reminded me of when we went camping and we pitched the tent on the side of a hill: When it rained we started sliding down the hill and we landed in a cow patty.
75	NASCAR Days	greg	Done	21	9/9/2005
If you blow a tire and hit the fence, you know what could happen: spontaneous decapitation. So it would be better to replace the little Honda engine that sounds like a lawnmower with a Chevy big block, which was just delivered by Jeff Gordon himself!
74	Conserving Water	bonnie	Done	22	9/9/2005
Actually it sounded like a pretty good idea. So I went ahead and drank my own urine, since that was the only way to survive. Three days later, we were so thirsty our tongues were sticking to the plan. This is great news! At this rate, nobody's toilet in the entire county would ever flush completely again!
73	The Best Diet Ever!	sherry	Done	21	8/31/2005
So instead, try to re-interpret your hunger as a desire to do another favorite activity besides eat, such as eggplant, okra, mushrooms, and rhubarb: all on Greg's list of guys lookin' in yer window!
72	What a Yard Sale!	betty	Done	20	8/23/2005
Sitting in the hot sun, sipping sweet tea and making fun of the junker cars that drove up was worth at least $100. It was going to be hard to get rid of everything before the sun went down. My best idea was to take all my potted plants, dump all the dirt out on a table, and use it to store all our hard-earned money in.
71	Test Pilot	greg	Done	21	8/17/2005
One more flyover and I will punch in the control panel, because obviously it's not doing any good! I expect a response from the navigator because I really think we are lost! I don't recognize anything down below. I think we may have flown into enemy territory!
70	A Day in the Life of a Dork	sherry	Done	21	8/14/2005
After all, if it weren't for brainiacs, nothing cool would ever get invented. stuff like microwaves and the thingies that keep your phone cord from getting tangled, but "cool"
69	Time for a Checkup!	bonnie	Done	21	8/3/2005
Your choice." But that's OK-- we can replace it with saline, or I can tell you about our latest experiment: something we've been growing in the lab.
68	Building My New Cat Condo	betty	Done	21	7/10/2005
So to save floor space, you could try cement ing your mouth shut and let me do the thinking, OK? Now it should be simple to fix. All I have to do is take all this extra cat litter and put it in the display case at the local Pet Store.
67	Putting Up Wallpaper	greg	Done	21	6/12/2005
"Hey! Quit that! You're getting wallpaper paste all in my hair! uh oh, I'm all out.
66	My Newest Home Improvement Project!	betty	Done	20	5/17/2005
It must have been 30 feet into the air. We were all standing around when the septic tank pumper truck pulled up.
65	Phone Call	bonnie	Done	21	5/9/2005
Because I have short-term memory loss, you may even have to punch the button repeatedly to make it work, okay?" "Wait! Don't hang up! I want to be sure I got it. Just hold on a second while I answer my cell phone........oh, and now there goes my beeper! well, you know the rest of the neighborhood will shortly know all about it if you tell her.
64	Airline Pilot	greg	Done	21	4/23/2005
No time to lose; the passengers were eating up all the pretzels! Somebody slow them down!
63	I'm Not In It For The...	bonnie	Done	21	4/6/2005
To everyone's amazement I then proceeded to sing, " We're in the money, we're in the money, we've got a lot of snot to clean up here. It is all over the place. Start wiping with this ring, I thee wed." And as the crowd watched breathlessly, she flicked her hair back, licked the lipstick off her teeth and proceeded to raise her middle finger for all to see and said, "If it weren't for me, I wouldn't be where I am today."
62	Hosting a Cooking Show	betty	Done	21	4/12/2005
(Crowd goes "Ooooh!) Also, I prefer to use a plastic spatula, as opposed to eating what you fix right in front of the audience.
61	Ain't It Cool?	greg	Done	22	4/7/2005
and on the back it would say "got r00t?" Then everyone will know that you grew up in the Sixties. We can tell because your clothes look so cool, they have to be made in Greenland by eskimos.
60	Competing with Starbuck's	bonnie	Done	21	4/2/2005
She replied, "I really wanted one of those cookies I got last time. You know, the ones with the pierced noses and tattooed necks. I hate it when they serve me coffee. I wish they would go work at becoming more efficient at the cash register!" He, with furrowed brow, and she, petulant, continued to argue over which was the best sweetener.
59	My First Ocean Cruise	betty	Done	21	3/28/2005
So when I asked the recreation director where to go, he told me to go jump in the lake. I said "I can do better than that! " I could have told you he was crazy, and everyone would have agreed with me, but still, no one could believe what he did next: he set the throttle to flank speed, and ran the ship aground, right in the middle of the beach!
58	Captain Underpants	greg	Done	21	3/23/2005
His nemesis, Professor Poopypants, won a blue ribbon at the county fair for producing the longest poop--a record hard to beat.
57	New Year's Resolutions!	bonnie	Done	21	3/18/2005
Why, you would have to walk at least 100 FEET if you park this far away! What are you thinking? Look at all those spots closer to the door!" He was irritated.
56	Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon	betty	Done	21	3/13/2005
T. 's deep voice resonated through the room, declaring, " All your base are belong to us, make your time!" Who would have know that such a educational program would be on at this time?
55	Spy Base Alpha	greg	Done	21	3/8/2005
Remember how heavy those wallets and purses used to get? Sometimes they seemed to weigh as much as bowling balls! Even though he was a very strong man, he wasn't strong enough to defeat Herr Kapitan in hand-to-hand combat.
54	Texas Winter	bonnie	Done	20	3/3/2005
I wished I'd brought my sunglasses with me. I checked for other supplies: bandoliers, ammo, and flak jackets. Once the weather got really hot them Yankee-land touristers might come hunting for your A/C, and you gotta be prepared.
53	Christmas Shopping - 2004	betty	Done	20	2/26/2005
I have a wallet full of money and all kinds of sales to go to. I must make a list of people whom I want to give back to the community. My present to them will be 40 hours of community service. I'll be dragging my behind after I finish all this shopping. and buy a notepad for myself, so I can write down a list of people to whom we must send boxes of processed cheese and hard sausages.
52	Modeling Agency	greg	Done	21	2/21/2005
Soon their faces matched their chartreuse skin with their pointy ears and antennae. She never imagined Andorrans would be here! Totally confused, Jacqueline exclaimed "Fairy wings!"
51	All I Need Is...	bonnie	Done	21	2/16/2005
Of course everyone knows in addition to trays of sugary pastries, you should add bountiful numbers of rose petals to your bath!
50	My Summer at the Archeological Dig	betty	Done	21	2/11/2005
Here, put this one in his pocket!" I considered that, but decided it would be better to just hand it to him and let him put it in his pipe and smoke it.
49	Shopping at Lowe's	greg	Done	20	2/6/2005
Struggling to stand up, and feeling very awkward, I went in the women's bathroom because the men's was out of order and I really, really needed to go to the bathroom again! Who would have thought Wendy's chili would have such a flatulating effect?
48	Anorexia Therapy	bonnie	Done	21	2/1/2005
Next, eat some ice cream. This should remind you of the pleasure of eating. anymore! Or in the children's section!
47	Building My New House!	betty	Done	23	1/27/2005
All the neighbors' kids were stomping in the mud, making a big mess: so I put them to work mixing up the cement instead.
46	Ultimate Ninja II	greg	Done	21	1/22/2005
Ah, the power coming out of my legs, my arms, my fingertips.
45	Election Day!	betty	Done	21	1/17/2005
You need live music, kiddie rides, free food, and most of all you need A BRAIN !
44	A Day in the Life of...	bonnie	Done	20	1/12/2005
Such a rich food source! And nearby! A messenger was sent to the prison chaplain's office to plead his case. If he didn't get out soon, he'd die. He soon heard that Spot next door was wearing a flea collar.
43	High School Carwash	greg	Done	20	1/7/2005
The theme this year was Election Year Falderall! We brought out the banners of red, white, and blue. We brought out the banners of elephants and donkeys.
42	Pushed Over the Edge	bonnie	Done	21	1/2/2005
Now I was really thankful for those ballet lessons. My new flexibility was a great asset to my health. I thought it was worth a try, so I plugged in some batteries and turned it on. Lights started flashing red, white, and blue! It was the Presidential Parade! And here came the President himself riding in a strange car, wearing a strait jacket.
41	Cleaning Out the Garage	betty	Done	21	12/28/2004
Yeah, and there's no beans about it. That stuff has no life left. It needs to go to the auto dealership, because if I'm going to be able to park my car in this clean and roomy garage, I'm going to want it to be a new one!"
40	HULK SMASH!	greg	Done	20	12/23/2004
His pasty yellow reptilian bulk towered over 8 feet tall. When he saw the Hulk he lost his cool and started sniveling and crying. And on top of that, he even began to cry. Everyone got very quiet. No one knew what to do. Then, Russell Young walked in dragging his dentist, who said, "You don't need those teeth!"
39	Joining the PTA	bonnie	Done	20	12/18/2004
That we're all a bunch of slack-jawed faggots. If we're going to regain any shred of respect we're going to have to take a stand!
38	Going to the County Fair	betty	Done	20	12/13/2004
it's Nutrasweet! I've got aspartame posioning!" He started to spin drunkenly, crying "My head! but we grabbed him and wanted to turn him inside out, if you know what I mean.
37	News at 11	greg	Done	20	12/8/2004
The editor asked, "What's the matter?" "Can't you see that the weatherman hasn't arrived yet?!! What are we going to do? We have 10 minutes to play ads until we can find the rest of tonight's tape. WHo had it last?" We all started to eat our noontime sandwiches.
36	Investigating Vegetarianism	bonnie	Done	21	12/3/2004
Admittedly, that artistic effort, combined with the variety of color in the salad made it extraordinarily beautiful. However, I sighed, knowing that again, soon after eating, I'd be hungry. Why didn't anybody else want any greasy meat?! What those vegans need are some good old pork rinds deep fried in lots of bubbly champagne.
35	Boppy's Trip to Texas	betty	Done	21	11/28/2004
On the way Papaw and Boppy picked up Uncle Greg who lived in a cardboard box that a bigscreen TV had come in.
34	Dance Class	bonnie	Done	21	11/23/2004
(SPLAT!) The class all laughed, because they knew she was just not the type.
33	The Minotaur King	greg	Done	21	11/18/2004
I noticed a stream of urine running down the side of the cavern wall. the Minotaur King was relieving himself right above us!"
32	The Bizarre Bazaar	bonnie	Done	20	11/13/2004
and there they are! Waiting for us....all squeaky clean and shining with colorful beads! It was just what I was looking for! It was so beautiful I couldn't take my eyes off it! The merchant told me this was the last day he would be open.
31	My Trip Around the World	betty	Done	21	11/8/2004
You'll want to take another trip as soon as you can. The fun is just beginning. Now we are headed for the North Pole! We will be on top of the world!
30	Downtown Precinct	greg	Done	22	11/3/2004
As if on cue, Thehood smashed down the door and rummaged through the connecting rooms. When he finally found the cash register, he looked at it and exclaimed, " You'll won't do me in with that heater!" He grabbed it and they wrestled around the foyer, until the judge bangs his gavel, and yells, "Order in the Court!"
29	Growing Up on a Farm	betty	Done	21	10/29/2004
But they don't seem to care much for city folk. They were always coming around here, blabbing about how much nice it is up north, where they have eaten the grass right down to the bare ground.
28	The Dinosaur World	bonnie	Done	21	10/24/2004
We found a stream, and carefully waded into it. How delightfully cool was the bubbling water.
27	Gardening with Betty	greg	Done	20	10/19/2004
I'm your host, Betty! Today we're going to look at these ivys. We have English, Boston, variegated; why we even have poison oak and poison ivy! Now you must beware of the last two because they are poisonous. More poisonous than a brown recluse, in fact!
26	On the Open Road	bonnie	Done	21	10/14/2004
That's par for the course when you're in a motorcycle gang. Bonnie put on her leather jacket and her leather gloves; also her leather helmut, but around her neck she carefully wound a psychedelic silk parachute, which she used to land at Daytona Beach in the middle of about 100 bikers, with great fanfare.
25	The International Village	bonnie	Done	21	10/9/2004
You need to figure out the answer yourself; so go to the library, and look for a book about Sun Tzu, author of The Art of War. He'll know what to do." We rampaged through the tattered remains of library for an hour, and finally found her yak!
24	Weekend in Paris	greg	Done	21	10/4/2004
It seems to be all around us!" She was right; the very air seems to be immersed in vaporized perfume. How can they taste all the gourmet food when there's body odor attempting to hide under copious perfume everywhere you turn? "I don't know," I said. "I guess they just are all born rude.
23	Xander Goes Shopping	betty	Done	22	9/29/2004
"Xander, you already have two, and I have only one! I want one more chocolate cake!" exclaimed Bonnie. "But you don't have enough money to pay for that Spiderman suit and mask. Look in your other pockets and see if you can find any more Barbie dolls for Haley so she can play dolls with her sister and also with her cousin, Ethan."
22	Fart Dictionary	bonnie	Done	21	9/24/2004
If others are present, your only hope is to fart again, only this time fart harder, and hopefully it'll be toxic enough to kill any witnesses. The fact is I cannot believe Bonnie started this story! But be that as it may, I will help continue it: And the second fact is that when I was growing up we did not call them farts.
21	Boot Camp	greg	Done	21	9/19/2004
My name's Sergeant Furlman and I'm here to tan your namby-pamby hides until you're whipped into shape. Maybe then you can a member of this man's army." Seargeant Furlman was intimidating enough even without his gigantic handlebar mustache, but the fact that he would twirl the ends of it when he was mad at us always gave us a warning that bad things were coming.
20	Good Old Pop's Drive-in	betty	Done	21	9/14/2004
Suddenly, he whacked the other guy on the back of the head with the spatula! We screamed as his eyeball popped out! Everyone was completely amazed when it cheerfully called out, "I'M FREE!"
19	Going Back to College	betty	Done	21	9/9/2004
There was only one quick solution: and that was to immediately drink lots of ammonia and chase it with bleach. He belched a monstrous cloud of lethal chlorine gas, and all the oxygen supply was quickly being depleted. What to do?!! Here, take this axe and knock a hole in the floor.
18	If You Give a Mouse a Cookie	bonnie	Done	21	9/4/2004
They are so rude. They must have learned how to do that from reading Soldier of Fortune magazine. I mean, these rodents were organized. They were always one step ahead of us, always anticipating a gourmet delight, complete with linen napkin, real silverware, sparkling crystal goblets, and soft relaxing heavy metal music.
17	Our Summer Vacation	betty	Done	21	8/30/2004
We packed our van the night before and started off early in the morning for the mountains. Our first stop would be the underground caverns where day and night dripped tiny streams and droplets of molten lead from the exploding metal refinery across the way.
16	Trapped in a Mine	greg	Done	21	8/25/2004
someone complained, "You'll use up all our air!" But I knew she was wrong because she was always wrong. "I have a better idea," I said, "Why don't you shnie that light over here? I am afraid I am going to fall into a dead end!
14	Our Visit to the Library	bonnie	Done	21	8/15/2004
"It's just a joke!" But it didn't matter. Everyone brought their posters for the big Super Readout Day. And they set up a display on the lawn outside the library. But the weather report was not so good, so when they looked up into the sky they saw not only the police helicopters arriving in the distance as reinforcements, but also the vultures had already started circling.
13	Stress Reduction Techniques	bonnie	Done	23	8/10/2004
There's nothing like a good dose of Ex-lax to loosen you up. Yeah, just go sit on the pot and relax.
12	My New Job at Burger King	betty	Done	20	8/5/2004
Do you think anyone would be able to get all those wads of gum from underneath the tables?
11	Cooking with Grandma	betty	Done	22	7/31/2004
That's what my daddy would do. It will harden their pork brains until they're nice and crunchy. Then you dip them in chocolate, and roll them in crushed walnuts.
10	Ultimate Ninja	greg	Done	22	7/26/2004
You killed my brother! Now... I'll kill YOU!" And with that, they clapped the dust off their hands, clapped each other on the shoulders in appreciation and camaraderie, and clapped a leather helmet on everybody's head.
8	Wall Street Blues	greg	Done	22	7/16/2004
Ever. His laughter, tinged with madness, echoed through the prison daily. It was a hollow sound. But it was the only one he cared about anymore. Sometimes he would laugh, thinking how now the Betty Mafia could never get him. Ever. His laughter, tinged with madness, echoed through the prison daily.
7	Going into Space	betty	Done	21	7/11/2004
"I guess we will have to get out those old-fashioned space suits. What bummer!" So they hurried to put on their Superman underwear, because it was as inspiring as nothing else is. Thusly donned, they left--earning strange stares since the underwear was actually their outerwear.
5	Ye Olde Medieval Days	betty	Done	21	7/1/2004
No matter, after all, that's why you wear armor. It did not hurt at all, however, what did hurt was when I landed on my head in a huge pile of goo. Interestingly enough Sir Greg headed for the gallows with great trepidation. As he drew nearer he saw to his horror, the king had been slain by a pack of eldritch blagglecruncheons!
4	Barrister the Lawyer Cat	betty	Done	21	6/26/2004
So she put down her pencil and went to hell in a handbasket. That's what the country's coming to. A parking lot here, a parking lot there, and pretty soon you've got some real evidence there! Let me get a closer look. Let me get a closer look too, said Barrister.
3	The Big Conundrum	betty	Done	21	6/21/2004
Standing in front of the new freshman class, the professor briefly studied each face.
2	Woo baby!	greg	Done	21	6/16/2004
"Woo baby!" Greg exclaimed as the speedometer passed 120. His Dodge Viper showed no signs of complaint, as it began to thunder and rain heavily; so much so that the roof began to lift off from the extreme high pressure inside the house.
1	Big Computer	greg	Done	18	6/11/2004
They could buy whatever they wanted! They would never be poor again! And the first thing they decided to buy was a life insurance policy, because they knew they would not live forever.