Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022      Take a deep breath-- and pray that your antihistamine is working, because I think you just inhaled more pollen than air! And small wonder, too. Even the cars had turned yellow from the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli! Where did we land? We landed right in a big pile of dry leaves! 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021     Something stinks, and it's not the flowers. Time for a change of clothes: work boots, old jeans, and that t-shirt with a hole in it will be the perfect outfit for attending the funeral. 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021     OooOOooOOoo. They also complained last week when I took my trash to the dump, I ran into an old friend, who enthusiastically said to me, " 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020     The pilot banked to avoid it but it seemed to swoop toward us, and in moments were were engulfed in the savory smells of Christmas dinner cooking! Happy and relieved, we smiled and stepped through the revolving door only to be snagged into a continual rotation! 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020     Dang Sith. Dang them straight to heck. But anyway, that's okay because we'll fry it later. So, as for sides, we wanted Greg's famous Sweet Potato Casserole, Bonnie's famous Homemade Stuffing, and most of all, Xander's famous bread! and gobs of dripping fat. What to do? 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019      He couldn't see! He was stumbling! Stumbling, he tried to reach for the next page of music, but his cramp was so bad it was like he was moving in slow motion. 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019     Now we are rocking, baby! I was so delighted that I pulled out my Mars bar which I save for special occasions. 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     Now we just needed to get it started, but none of us had a lighter or matches. Fortunately, Shawn had an idea: Let's put a Slip 'n' Slide in the back yard and have fun, fun, fun! After we install in and hook up the water hose to it, all we have to do then is round the Kiwis up into one place, and nuke them. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019     They were finished. On that note her cousin from France came for a visit and her name was... VoilaLeiya! That cousin from France was a little strange, she had peculiar habits like washing her dishes in the bidet, injecting Thai hot sauce into her croissants before eating them, and always driving LalaLeiya and her cousin around to see the sights, and we could never pass a Long John Silver's without their putting up a big fuss. 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019      Yes, it is in my genes to like thunderstorms! My grandfather used to stand in the doorway and watch them as he listened to the roar of the crowd and the empassioned shouting of the MC as the local wrestling favorite, "Thunderstorms", vaulted into the ring. 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019      The music was outstanding Especially the trumpet player who stood on the stage and proceeded to lead everyone in a rousing chorus of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!" It was truly a monumental day. Everyone was happy. 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018     It's a long way from here, so we'd better get started!" With that, everyone looked around to be sure nobody was watching when they dumped their camping garbage into the fast flowing river. Swollen from recent rains, it would be a good protection from big brown grizzly bears who roam around always looking for tasty wheat! 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018      Bewildered by so many things we had never encountered before, we knew this was only the beginning of the end. Streaking fire fell from the sky, and portals opened in the earth, from which spilled the uncountable, writhing forms of extradimensional creatures. Thankfully, Greg had saved a ton of money by switching to GEICO! 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018      From that point on, I knew I had to block the back door fast because water was truly running down the hill and quickly coming into the living room where we were playing a board game. He flipped the couch over violently, and once he had our attention, screamed, " 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018      But this is an important decision, so I'll keep thinking. There's something to be said for being out in the sunshine and fresh air, so maybe I should think about wearing rubber gloves when I am washing the dishes at Jim's. After all I don't want hands that look like a pair of sunglasses! 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018     Eventually we ran out of mushroom booze. Granted, the stuff makes you hallucinate, but it tastes like liquid gold. 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018     "They're designed to be mousetraps, and are cute and fuzzy too." 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017      Xander took me on an unhurried walking tour all around his campus. But first I got to see his dorm building and room. In his room I was surprised to see a tick crawling on my shoe. Ick! I hadn't even considered bringing bug spray. Well, like they say, when life hands you lemons, discard the lemons; make bacon. 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017     "What are we supposed to sprinkle on our tacos, for crying out loud?! HOW ABOUT A NICE SPRINKLING OF HOT HOT HOT SRIRACHA SAUCE !!!" That will make everybody want to go to the Alamo! Enjoy your time there, but there's more! Right across the street was a dog kennel for stray dogs of all sizes. 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      At this rate, we will have paid off our mortgage in 22 years instead of 30. Ain't that something! We could use the snowblower we borrowed from Danny. I am sure he won't mind if we use it to insulate the garden from the cold. 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017      To serve attractively, place the pizza in my mouth!! I'm starving!!! 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016      They all leaned way back in their easy chairs and took a nap! No one could argue with that. They all leaned way back in their easy chairs and took a nap! BUT I DON'T WANT TO!!!" No one could argue with that. They all leaned way back in their easy chairs and took a nap! Pulling one of them loose, I yelled, " 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016      Each group had to write an essay explaining the best way for the REST of the groups to be enthusiastic. This was a puzzling topic, so the group decided instead to write about "How to Generate Enthusiasm." Because they had so much experience, this was going to be extremely funny: Each person must get up, turn to the person on his right, look him in the eye, And say," 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016     Welcome to Engineering Country!Now proceed into the Student Center where you will be issued a tote bag full of water guns. The pool party should be fun!" Of course there will be a need for towels to wipe up the floor after the shaving cream fight! 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016      The AC had quit and it was stifling hot. So holding my head down, on it I sprayed menthol, and a bit of mint-scented oil. The immediate effect was the perspiration started evaporating and I felt so cool! 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016     I sat down with my neighbor Jed to shoot the breeze and chew tobacky, and I told him that people around here would know what he's talking about. They have always known about what pesticides were too dangerous to use. For instance you would never use DDT in combination with crystals of methamphetamine! 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016     Actually, I meant the the white clothes should be separated from the red, but I forgot and washed them together! When I took them out of the washer, they were all the color of a cloudy winter sky. Now, the only solution would be to tie-dye everything ! So I went shopping and bought 5 boxes of dye. 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016     3 large pizzas with pepperoni, red peppers, mushrooms, and plenty of carrots and pieces of coal to make the snowmen's faces. We gathered all of that together and put them in a laundry basket." 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     You look like you are carrying a Beretta PX4 Storm Compact 9mm! With its comfortable grip and good balance and accuracy, this pistol would be a good choice for wearing on the plane. Remember it gets cold on the plane, so you would probably need to holster it." 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      Rearranging the packages I was carrying, put them all off balance and I dropped all of them right into a pool of exceeding clarity. Twenty feet below, I could see the dim sparkle of my diamond watch which had slipped off my wrist. 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016      I was ready to start my new life! Confronted with a mob of irritated neighbors, I ran back into the house and packed! 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015      They're so busy this time of year, one guy has to drive two trucks! but I had another secret credit card I could use. Aha! I started avidly looking for it, and found it just where I had hidden it: inside a box. And that box was hidden inside the computer tower! 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015     I had to wait about two weeks. Then, once I found my shovel and a bucket, it was time to start to start bagging up the compost to sell at our roadside stand.Per bag, the price would start at $159.00 Some may say that's high, but it's worth it because good compost does not stink ! 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015      Working at NASA means I can afford to get deli bologna instead of the pre-packaged variety. The other stuff is OK, but it fit right in the charming neighborhood. The street was not too busy, except around lunchtime when my stomach was really growling and my co-workers I am sure could hear the embarrassing sounds of grinding gears. 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015      You should first lubricate the tines with a little dribble of maple syrup. The next aroma you smell will be burning leaves of course from Stephens back yard. 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015      Creeping forward, he spotted a fire ant hill right in his path !! Oh no! So he slowly slithered backward, but they had spotted him! They marched toward him with military precision, but in slow-motion. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     How peaceful and pretty. But then I spied flying across the full moon, a big hulking tomato like I had never seen! 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     It might give you bad breath and terrible indigestion. I got out my Altoids and Tums, took two of each and then proceeded to prop up our feet and top everything off with a smooth and tasty pina colada. You should be careful about what you watch on TV before you go to bed. It might give you bad breath and terrible indigestion. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015     So I started taking classes on business at the local community college. I also took my time thinking up a good password. too smart for me" !! I just gave up and started playing Soda Crush. A relaxing game that makes me feel insecure. The only thing that could settle my nerves now would be if I could take some time to remove all the apps I don't like. 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     And his line is "Ayyyy." Boooooo Wooooo was that an excellent comeback or what?! 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015      We want to make our own peanut butter in our new electric hot tub. It's great! The only drawback is that our refrigerator is on the blink and all the food is slowly spoiling. I wonder if Danny Speight would let us borrow his passes to attend a free movie at Regal Cinemas at Kiln Creek. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     Three rows of seven each. That arrangement is perfect for the high school piano recital. We had been practicing for weeks, and had finally Kissed the day goodbye with a drop to the pillow. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015      Then I added multi-colored sprinkles and a few well-placed dabs of icing. Decorating is the part that's the most fun. Be creative! 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     I took out my camera and turned around facing west where in the distance we could see giant floaters in our vision! Aaaaahhh! We must have a detached retina or something!! 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015     Mind The Gap!" His authoritative tone irked me, so I took particular care in minding who was sitting next to me. 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015      Maybe there is something in the staff refrigerator I could sample.... Sure enough...I opened the door and found a cup of Whoop-Ass! I immediately picked it up and threw it at him! He then carried the stack of folders over to the table and spread out the construction paper, blunt scissors, glitter, and glue. 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     It's good for you! It's Regular Ordinary Swedish meal time flies when you're having fun! Or as the famous Latin phrase puts it: " Carpe Noctem !" So we worked through the night putting the final touches on the family portrait. If only everyone would stand still! If only I had remembered all the eggnog was gone! 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     Say you're going to take a trip around the world !! Just make sure you stop at the first sign of feeling faint. 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014     I looked around for help, and there, just out of reach, was just what I needed: more Scotch tape! 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014      My nose led me to the conclusion that we should call a plumber. It seems pretty obvious if the toilet won't even flush. Now what?! I went outside to get a fresh bucket of water, just in case it catches fire. With all the precautions in place, I threw caution to the wind and went for a spin in my Lamborghini Murcielago. 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014     I stared quizzically at Vladimir Putin, who was in turn staring intensely at a full-size horse and licking his lips. With a glorious roar, he hefted it over his shoulders and tried to go through the front door. However, as he stepped over the threshold, he stepped into a cave. 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     We needed a room freshener bad !! So I sprayed the room with a can of Whoop-Ass! When everyone saw me opening it, they knew they were in dire straits when they entered the cave and deep within they saw a tumor! 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014      They needed to be brave, intuitive, and ambitious! So I picked these three people: Gandhi, Einstein, and Owen Wilson. I figured that third choice made perfect sense because he had just eaten a loaf of bread the size of his head. 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     That will prevent water loss through evaporation. That will mean fewer times you have to refill the pitcher at your lemonade stand. Whereas you will always have to have a fresh supply of ice and a number of clean towels. Pack wisely, because the ants and mice can get into any little crevice to eat carefully prepared a series of dangerous, deadly traps leading up to my bathroom. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014     Last time we had an all-night video game marathon, the beer alone cost me all the money I made mowing lawns all summer! During those hot summer days I must have sweated 2 pints of O-positive. I handed them to the nurse, but she shook her head and said, " 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     Only, I don't think anyone else understood why I went to the movies even though I was blind! They didn't realize that my excellent sense of hearing allowed me to pick up even the slightest nuance of sound, and my vivid imagination I never would have guessed she would DIE from it! 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     he mumbled, with that repulsive but unplaceable accent of his, and his breath reeking of sponge cake soaked with nervous sweat. I shook my head, and shut my eyes and fell into a manhole! 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013     After that, all they could think about was getting to Pop's before it closed, so they could each buy a ticket to ride in the new roller coaster, "Maximus Vomitorium", designed by a team of students. 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!" Stunned, I whirled around and to hear Penelope throwing up! My game was interrupted! I was halfway through getting an upgrade for my level 1 Floor Sweeper. To get to level 2 he has to upgrade his shoes; one way to do this is to plod along methodically, but some people work better after they have cleansed their systems with special vegetarian drinks made with pureed kale. 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     They will no doubt go to the beach on the next sunny day and find oodles of candy to give to all the party guests! 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     Do they want clean air or warm houses? They cannot have both !! In fact, over their noses they may have to wear tinfoil hats to protect them from the mind-reading satellites used by an ancient civilization to battle aliens. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     Time seemed to slow down and I could count each rod in the grill that would soon become one with my face. I could count the individual strands of Rayon that composed pink fuzzy dice dangling from his rearview mirror. I could smell what could only be described as vast quantities of Mexican food nearby. 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     And just my luck, I'm right in the middle of a shower! But what if it's important? What if we ran out of food?!! Would any stores be open? I opened the phone book to look for Christmas presents. 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     I couldn't make out the rest of the ad because tears had already begun to dissolve the ink, which ran like charcoal wisps of liquidated dreams down the face of the page. 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012     I have to poop! But the only way to get to town to go shopping was to hitchhike! So I stuck out my thumb and hoped for the best. Believe it or not down the road came a knick-knack, paddywack, give a dog a wrapped-up box of chew bones and when he tears the wrapper off he will bite into a raw onion! 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     Then put the egg cartons on top of the crates of rockets that we got from GI Joe's military surplus. For the love of all that's holy, don't bump them! 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011     "I don't want the malls to close until midnight! Because then I will have time to start shopping for Groundhog Day!!!!!!!!!!" I retorted. "I don't want the malls to close until midnight! Because then I will have time to start shopping for Groundhog Day!!!!!!!!!!" "NO WAY!" 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     So I added a whole line of new models of subcompacts. They're inexpensive, have great fuel economy, and just as importantly you must have lots of sunflowers. 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     Anything that didn't get sold would become kindling for the bonfire that would be against my better judgment to put the white underwear into the same drawer as the colored butterflies streamed through the sewer line so fast that everyone thought, " 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009      Why you might not even have time to check under the car, behind the seats, and in the glovebox. Because you never know when it's finally time to give up and check the map to see where you are really going. Things would really move along then! 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     It all started when Ethan ran into the living room to take a swing in Greg's new hanging chair, only to discover that he had forgotten his Prozac. 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008     I need to know because who wants to be blind for the rest of his life?!!" I decided to get a second opinion. The new doctor examined me, and with a big smile on his face, said to me, " 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007      Abiathar needs Artorios's help. So Abiathar asked him to pass the potatoes. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we do some serious bashing! After dinner, he got to his feet and threw a zombie up in the air with his Jawbreaker, while at the same time he grabbed a troll by the ankle, spun him around and launched him into orbit with one flick of his manly wrist. 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007      I got home, opened the box, and inside I saw a giant strawberry! I could use it to make dessert with. I got my first 100 points with my first 100 kills. That was easy. Now for the next 500 points I would have to load up on missiles and ammo and armor before I woke up I had another dream about the battle! 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007      So I mixed up a poison solution and poured it on the fire to put it out! That was close! 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007     It even took control of the speakers, and it was saying "Santa Claus is coming to town" over and over again until I could not stand it any longer, so I stood up and moved the cabinet of electronics components closer to the desk, so they'd be easy reach when they climbed down from the high cat tower. 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006      So I decided to turn in my driver's license and buy a bicycle. There just isn't as much money in moving moonshine across state lines like there used to be. So I decided to turn in my driver's license and buy a bicycle. 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006     They were everywhere! had to write out a final will and testament. 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     Rogers of Mr. Rogers Windows! Did you know that poor-quality windows could cost you a bundle in heating bills? 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006      So I turned around and I rushed toward the massive oak tree in order to hide behind it. 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006     If you mispronounce something you could really offend somebody by saying something you didn't intend. and you accent the positive and reject the negative, and everything will always look better when you roll your R's, you sound right Scottish. 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006     They must be coming from Mars! We're being invaded on Christmas!" He ran inside the house to call the electric company because the power seemed to be off. He kept plugging in lights but instead of coming on, they would just explode like a long string a chinese firecrackers. 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005     It's so sparkly, it must be alive! I wondered what would happen if I touched it, so I did. And guess what happened?!! = It exploded with the force of a 1,000 thermonuclear bombs, carving a massive crater out of the side of the moon and creating a ring around the earth, which persisted forever and ever. 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005      The maestro was heading down the center aisle was Hulk Hogan! he howled, and the audience began to shuffle their feet with boredom. That restless sound soon reached the top balcony, where our VIP seats were. 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005     But to my surprise, he snapped the cork out of the bottle of champagne out poured it on my pancakes. Famished, I dug in with reckless abandon. For dessert I asked for English Trifle, a scrumptuous dessert of whipped cream, fresh fruit, and sponge cake soaked with nervous sweat. 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005      He had already asked me for a refund. "Why?" I asked. he exclaimed, "I want paper not plastic! You stupidhead!" He stomped his feet and then he yelled, " God bless us, every one!" A tear ran down my cheek as a sudden blast of frigid, snowy air reddened my nose, numbed my cheeks, caught my breath and blew all my packages into a snowdrift. 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005     at least, he *would* be a customer if he ever made up his mind and ordered something. I tried not to smirk when the customer called me "Luv". I knew she was from Guinea, especially when she proceeded to order a Whopper...oops, this is McDonald's!!! 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005     What a load! Now, the only thing left to do is pick up all the pumpkins, and give them to eat whatever was left and that would be, of course, at least a dozen doughnuts! 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015     I know that will make you feel completely relaxed. So just close your eyes and whatever you do, don't think about pink elephants. HAHAHA! You thought of pink elephants!!! Get lose, you cannot compare with my powers. woo boo -boo-boogaloo, boo-boo-boogalo! Put them together and what have you got? 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005      One never knows what will happen if you transpose the warp stream with the antimatter containment field, you will surely lose your breakfast in a hurry, unless you made sure first that you fasten your helmet securely, fasten your oxygen hose, and secure you must be, and I the all-wise one, tell you I will, that you really had better know what you're doing by now! 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005     "Hey! she whispered quickly. he exclaimed. "You can't be serious! You never learned to touch-type?!! You must have gone to school in West Virginia! 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     he said cautiously. a voice exclaimed. with at least a gallon of premium unleaded. Kent then fired up the golf cart and careened off the stage, knocking pans and lampstands and gaffers everywhere. 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005      Ewww! Smelly! And the Welcome Wagon ladies were already coming up my front steps! The quickest thing I could do was put them into a big cardboard box. If I hurried, I could get to Warehouse Store and buy another 1000 diapers before they go to college! 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005     The scintillating tones of Mozart, Bach, and Beethoven drifted with all their smokey offensive odor toward my patio! Not only were they noise polluters, they're even polluting my drainage ditch with their trash. 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005     That's why we always try to stay in a motel with a good lock on the bathroom door! Because I say, if you're not going to spend enough money on a motel room, you will end up staying in a dump, probably infested with carpetbaggers. That's why we always try to stay in a motel with a good lock on the bathroom door! 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005      The excitement was electric! Suddenly, my nose started bleeding, and to wipe it, all I had was a sunburn and a hangover, but boy was that fun! He sacrificed winning just so he could get the inside lane advantage! The excitement was electric! 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005     You never know until you try! Why don't you turn off the water while you brush your teeth? You don't need to flush the toilet every time you use it. Flush it only when you go number two. Or if it's really raining, then you better run out with every bowl or bucket you have. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005     and 250 lbs, could best be described as high fat, high sodium, and high sugar. 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005     The grass was all mashed down, because all the people had found such great bargains, and were so delighted, they asked us if we would consider administering a state-wide network of yard sales from an executive highrise in Manhattan. Delighted, I said, "This has been such a success, let's have a yard sale every weekend!" 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005     I expect a response from the navigator because I really think we are lost! I don't recognize anything down below. I think we may have flown into enemy territory! 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005     Great googlely-mooglely...that was just about the nicest thing anyone had ever said! Well, after hearing that, I was ready to sharpen all my pencils, and I discovered I need to go buy a new pocketsize spiral notebook and a black power cable. 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005     The doctor sighed and took out the tongue depressor and inserted it into the patient's file. "It's good for us to keep a copy of your dental records and a listing of all intimate encounters you've had for the past 2 years." "What??" I exclaimed. "Why would I need to order x-rays? 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     Now it should be simple to fix. All I have to do is take all this extra cat litter and put it in the display case at the local Pet Store. 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005      So, to those of you who choose to take on the challenge of putting up wallpaper - my advice to you is avoid putting a lot of holes in the wall, because that will only cause discoloration later. It would be a better idea to just call Lowe's next time and have them do it - It'd be worth it! It pays to set aside enough time to complete the job; otherwise, you are left with wallpaper paraphernalia strewn across the house for the next four months. 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005     Now take this toothbrush and clean the encrusted roach poop from around the doorways. What a job! I would rather have a masonry bit shoved up my butt than have to use these crappy tools again! 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005      He seems to be trying to find candidates for his galactic space marine training academy. "I'm only 18!" I argued. he said, "I know you're not in it for the money. We always like to see people like you come through the door. 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005     and see right before our eyes the ground rushing up toward us! No time to lose; the passengers were eating up all the pretzels! Somebody slow them down! 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005     We're in the money, we're in the money, we've got a lot of snot to clean up here. It is all over the place. Start wiping with this ring, I thee wed." And as the crowd watched breathlessly, she flicked her hair back, licked the lipstick off her teeth and proceeded to raise her middle finger for all to see and said, "If it weren't for me, I wouldn't be where I am today." 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005     For this I prefer to use a non-stick pan, as opposed to a stick pan. I'll hold these two examples up so you can see the difference. (Crowd goes "Ooooh!) Also, I prefer to use a plastic spatula, as opposed to eating what you fix right in front of the audience. 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005      It is just gross to think about: Imagine those slimy, writhing creatures on a plate of lead-free pewter. 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005     She smiled and said "Don't use that cream for your coffee, because I think it is time to switch to decaf!" She then quit, and got a job at the Farmer's Market selling vegetables. 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005      I was completely flabbergasted! I had lost my third game of shuffleboard! What to do? I think I should sit out the next one and work out a new lodging arrangement. and chuckled nervously. Our best course of action was to put on life jackets right away and line up next to the lady in the fancy hat. 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005     "Quick! You stop traffic while I wash this man's windshield! He will surely reward me with a big wad of toilet paper stuck in my butt, I look just like a bunny rabbit! Hop, hop, hop!" 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005      "Out with the bad (dirt), in with the good (smell)!" She shouted, to no one in particular. Next, she declared she would eat more chocolate than ever before. She would also eat a lot more lettuce! With a healthier diet, lifting weights, power walking, and balacing my checkbook on time so that I know I have enough money to buy some new underwear! 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005      We could not wait to buy some, so we headed toward the fridge. "What's the deal with all the psychedelic colors?" She replied, "They did a study and found that children as young as 14 months would show a preference for brands they had seen advertised on TV!" Marketing firms know how much parents want to make their kids happy. 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005     It was going to go critical! We only had seconds to release the valves on the new oxygen tanks! We were successful with ten seconds to spare and then some bozo struck a match............... 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005      We loaded up on sunscreen and popsicles, and took off! Beach, HERE WE COME! We were almost there when great hailstones began falling from the sky. Why they were huge! They were as big as beanbag chairs! The kids were having a lot of fun batting them back and forth, but finally I had to call out to them, "Hey! 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005      Unfortunately the sandwiches were cold and tasted old. And it's no wonder: the workers behind the counter looked as if they had been shopping for three days straight! 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005     This was it. Taking a deep breath, Jacqueline stepped over to the male model and adjusted his collar. Nice! But still, she really did want to do modeling herself. Sigh. I guess for now, it was all just a fantasy! 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005     And that is hard to find. To see a good selection I think I will have to go to the baths, and have a good soak. After that I should feel really blessed and just happy to be alive. It would have to be at least 8 feet tall and 4 feet wide. And that is hard to find. To see a good selection I think I will have to go to the baths, and have a good soak. 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005     I exclaimed. "The sites contaminated, and we ourselves slowly dying from some unknown ancient curse, it was only a matter of time before we and all our work disintegrated back into ancient history. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005      Actually, you may need TWO carts! In fact, you may find that the selection of 2x4s has way too many knots in it. In which case, you should start over. 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005      It's counter-productive. Stay focused on eating everything in sight. You may end up being bulimic, but at least that won't kill you. Probably. Your other alternative is to eat yogurt 3 times a day. To add to the great nutritional value of the yogurt, you can add chopped tuna. That will add good protein without making you feel overfull. 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005     and this time, do it right. "You haven't even seen the rooftop gardens yet!" 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005     There is always another challenge around the corner, and the ninja must waste no time seeking it out! Therefore, today I ate 5 bowls of chili beans with chopped up hot dogs. 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005      We should have plenty of coffee and doughnuts to show our appreciation for all the free handguns being handed out at the NRA rally!" 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005     When it was over, Barrister lay there panting. Feathers were flying everywhere. Tiny blood spatters covered his face with his hands, as he heard the prison warden approaching. A heartless, cruel man, the warden was well-known for his ferocity in battle. 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005     over her top, and "WASH" over her lower area, so the signs obscured her clothing and everyone driving past would think "Holy cow! Those girls are wearing bikinis! Go back! Go back!!" and waved the water hose in a circle over his head, splashing water on everyone nearby, including customers, classmates, and the whole board of supervisors joined in to hold hands, circle around, and sang Ring Around the Rosy. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005     With that he opened fire and I dodged every bullet with great aplomb. Now I was really thankful for those ballet lessons. My new flexibility was a great asset to my health. 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004     So we called Russell to check out the buckets of unknown substance in the far corner. 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004      The smell was horrific. Everyone made a dive for the only door. Unfortunately in their path was a deep hole from where the truck had landed. 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004      Together! I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. The voice of the people will not be ignored! A bundle of sticks is not easily glued together to make a log cabin for a school project. 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004     He shoveled some baked beans on my plate and one big greasy hog jowl. I looked down and could feel my breakfast coming up. I quickly leaned over and threw up, deftly avoiding potentially lethal food poisoning. Then I grabbed a ticket to go see the biggest cow on the planet. 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004     He said that so loudly, I jumped. "Are you ," I exclaimed, "or are you not going to ask me to marry you?!" 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004     But don't worry. Here comes the bacon cheeseburger cart. And the fudge sundae cart behind that. Get ready to mash those soybeans and mold the tofu into shapes resembling flowers. 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     I love the smell of cedar. You can just sit in the shade of the trees and enjoy the breeze and listen to the crunching of the tacos, the sloshing of the margaritas, and the sizzling of the fajitas. 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004     So we played a boom box until the windows started to tremble. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004     I looked up, and towering above me was the Minotaur King himself. I shook in my boots, I sweated pools of gravy. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004      just wait while I go over to that ATM where I can get some fresh strawberries! My favorite food! and there they are! Waiting for us....all squeaky clean and shining with colorful beads! It was just what I was looking for! It was so beautiful I couldn't take my eyes off it! 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004      Yes, that is a "must see". Also I want to swim in the Great Barrier Reef. I am sure when I am there I will see many architectural wonders. I don't know which I like better: Looking from a distance at the whole structure, or up close at the details such as how far we'll have to swim to get to land if our ship sank. 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004     Fortunately I had 2 sets of handcuffs because I was sure going to need them! Now the keys to the handcuffs...where did I put them? Oh, I remember, I put them in the pocket of my jacket. Let me go check." 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004      Here, take this bag of grass seed and scatter it around the dining table, in between the ham, biscuits 'n' gravy, grits, and cornbread. 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004      How soft and green was the bed of moss along the bank. But suddenly we heard a loud rushing! Coming straight toward us was a giant footprint in the mud. I could have laid down in it and still had room left over. This did not bode well. 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004      It's okay. Getting dirty is half the fun. The smell of the fertile earth is like the perfume of the Garden of Eden. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004      They chanted, pounding their feet in rhythm. "Oh, Kayyy..." I said, and I turned around to go again. There is nothing that is more fun than going down hill in a red wagon. 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004      And with a great harrumph, they in fact did! As the last one exited the door, there came a loud applause from the audience, who then began to shout in unison," 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004      Everyone I meet has a smart-aleck thing to say when I ask them a question. The next time this happens, I am going to say, " Be sure to securely fasten your bungee cord before you jump!" That is, if I'm ever even at the Eiffel Tower again! We knew we were going to see lots of interesting sights, but we sure weren't expecting that! 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004     But Xander said, " You know, I am getting hungry. Is there a restaurant around here anywhere?" And sure enough there was a Taco Bell right inside the store! So Xander hurried over there and ordered a big Mac with cheese and extra ketchup and Great Biggie Fries. 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004      It's like a stink bomb dropping in a room. One can only hope that one is alone if this happens. If others are present, your only hope is to fart again, only this time fart harder, and hopefully it'll be toxic enough to kill any witnesses. The fact is I cannot believe Bonnie started this story! 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004      We want you to stand tall and proud. Remember you are representing the United States of America, the most powerful country in the world! 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004     I asked, drooling. he exclaimed. "You just drooled on it! You stupid idiot. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004      They never got a chance to air out just like old movie houses emptying out one sweaty audience only to open their doors to another hallway, to allow the breeze to blow through. 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004     300 mice died to provide you with that stylishly avant-garde attire, and don't let them forget it. Every time they see you they'll turn around and moon you, and I mean every time! They are so rude. They must have learned how to do that from reading Soldier of Fortune magazine. 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004     he said, "I gotta get tickets for my next vacation. This one has been a blast! We have had so much fun that I know next summer will be even better. I just must remember next time to bring more Immodium A-D. 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004      He thought to himself, " They are so scared of their shadows! Hey if it were left up to me I would never travel with women, I would only travel with my SWISS ARMY KNIFE! 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004     BE QUIET! BE QUIET! BE QUIET!" And then he yelled it again with even more emphasis," REVENGE IS SWEET, AND A DISH BEST SERVED COLD!!" By this time the cops had arrived and everything got very confusing after that. I realized this was a good opportunity to get out of there, so I quietly nudged past the jostling, shouting crowd, resisting the temptation to tear out the pages of the 1500-page unabridged dictionary and start making ragged origami with them. 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004     I lunged for the power switch, but just then there was a loud explosion outside the meditation room! What had happened?! We all ran outside in our white robes and saw to our surprise a big birthday cake, covered with candles and exquisitely patterned icing, sitting on the table. 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004      That was the part I hated the most. Chopping lettuce. I don't know why, exactly. Probably having to do with the crispiness. There's just something not quite right about these buns. Too many sesame seeds I think. Hey they look more like poppy seeds! Now we're in trouble. 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004      And no one could beat the taste of right-out-of-the-oven freshly baked golden brown teenage girls. They clearly had been tanning for quite some time. "Hey you girls," I exclaimed, "come out of the sun before you get skin cancer. 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004      The power that enables the ULTIMATE NINJA to unleash hundreds if not thousands of punches and kicks upon any who opposed him. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004     It was a hollow sound. But it was the only one he cared about anymore. His laughter, tinged with madness, echoed through the prison daily. It was a hollow sound. But it was the only one he cared about anymore. Ever. His laughter, tinged with madness, echoed through the prison daily. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004      Who would have believed that we, untrained as astronauts, could really take a trip to the hobby store, to see what the biggest rocket motor available was. 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004      They came in groups of 100, building arenas in which to fight. Their living quarters were made out of popscicle sticks, painstakingly glued together, then painted with multicolor butterflies swarmed through his brain. he exclaimed. "I have a demon in my castle tower. 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004      I need a break." So she put down her pencil and went to hell in a handbasket. That's what the country's coming to. A parking lot here, a parking lot there, and pretty soon you've got some real evidence there! 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004     Unfortunately, the force of it caused an explosion of monumental proportions! Everyone stood in fearful amazement wondering if they would be doomed to live the rest of their lives up in branches of this oak tree. 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004      He didn't want to be so anal-retentive, so he stopped himself from measuring his head to make sure the part was exactly in the middle. But then all day long he could not take his mind off this difficult problem. What a challenge! There just had to be a way to satisfy all the parties involved. 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     Greg whined. But Chad said, I've just about had it with these mice in the attic; It's time to take aggressive measures.