Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system.
Standard teasers! Randomize teasers!

Please select a story to view:

Story IDTitleCreatorStatusNum EntriesDate Finished
174  Springtime in VirginiabettyDone2212/27/2022
    And small wonder, too. Even the cars had turned yellow from the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli! Where did we land? We landed right in a big pile of dry leaves!
173  Daylight Saving Time !bettyDone234/21/2021
    We had a big job ahead of us: figuring out how to get in a vehicle fast enough to outrun the sun as it moved from east to west. Turns out it has to be going 1,000 miles an hour, so obviously a car was out. So we went to the airport and ironically, we were all so hungry we didn't care what we ate, so on the menu was was a Post-it note with the terse message: "OUTSIDE NOW".
172  A Winter Day in the WildernessbonnieDone222/15/2021
     Unblinking, the full moon stared down, uncaring, from a starless sky, rimed with icy clouds. I couldn't feel my feet or hands anymore. I was so tired. If I could just sleep for a minute or two, I could probably get enough strength to make it to the road.
171  Oh, the weather outside is frightful...bettyDone2212/31/2020
    uh oh, what's that noise? It sounds like burping...could it be from that big Christmas dinner?? I am still investigating that turn of events. The most suspicious aspect of the whole thing was how many armed guards we saw.
170  The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!bettyDone231/13/2020
    Now get in, loser. We're headed for the Mexican border. Would you pass the TV remote control? I need to find out what the score is. I guess I could find out on my phone, but turkey grease had dripped all over it.
169  A Breath of Fresh AirbonnieDone2211/15/2019
     No one invited you to this quilting meeting. Scram." The old ladies chuckled, ash sprinkling from the tips of their cigars. It is difficult to imagine that a gathering of seated elderly ladies could be intimidating, but their deadly stares and seasoned hands put my blood on ice. Their leader placed a salmon-pink square of floral embroidery on the table, her nails clacking the hard surface like the snap of a rib.
168  Toiling at 3 a.m.bettyDone2210/13/2019
    sometimes I want to hug somebody. And? sometimes I want to hug somebody. And? And? sometimes I want to hug somebody. We steeled our resolve and And?
167  The Reckoning of the KiwisxanderDone227/28/2019
    I knew. It was right now! I'm so thirsty I feel like I could drink ALL the soda. I jumped to my feet and cried out because I hit my head on an overhanging tree branch!
166  Somebody's Gotta Do It !bettyDone227/8/2019
     She asked, "How do we know this robo-vacuum will do any better a job than the last one?" I said, "This one costs twice as much.
165  I love Thunderstorms !bettyDone216/10/2019
    Time slowed down as my brain tried to make sense of the calamity which had just happened to me. Bones and joints moved in unnatural ways and the pain which I knew was coming took its own sweet time to arrive, which confused my brain even more. I was still lucid enough to know I was falling toward the mat, and out of the corner of my bloodshot eyes I could see the towering frame of London Bridge, shaking with laughter, as he said "
164  Wrapping those Christmas Presents !bettyDone231/9/2019
     Lean back and contemplate what you are going to do next: wrap more presents, or eat ALL the Christmas cookies. Oooh, there's a whole jug of egg nog! I could go for a glass or two of that. And garnish it with olives and lemon slices. How cool! When the martini glasses were all empty, we washed them with our carpet shampooer.
163  Let's Set Fire to the WoodsxanderDone2112/7/2018
    For good measure he also grabbed a can of whoopass should do the tric' Nevertheless, let us with all due diligence seek to find a pool of water or a stream or something to put the fire out!
162  Some Kind of AdventurexanderDone239/10/2018
    What I really wanted to do after listening to all of that was break something. My fury knew no bounds, and I would have my revenge.
161  That Garage !bettyDone228/9/2018
    Well at least it was all dried up and easy to sweep it into a dustpan and carefully dump it into the ditch by the road. When it rains, the water runs down the hill, comes through the back door and flows all across the whole garage and goes out the door!
160  I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?bettyDone248/3/2018
     Anyway I also thought Bill Miller's Barbecue might be a good place to work. Certainly the smells there would be delightful! Wow!
159  A large, healthy tuft of stump grassbonnieDone227/18/2018
    Granted, the stuff makes you hallucinate, but it tastes like liquid gold. I couldn't imagine walking one more mile without at least a gallon of the stuff on hand, so I started scrounging around for old rags to wipe up the spilled lemonade and the big pool of melted popsicles.
158  Cleaning up after Milo the MousebettyDone217/11/2018
     Who knows what lurks within the heart of man? The Shadow knows.
157  Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA CampusbettyDone227/6/2017
     I mean there were a lot of people here, and it looked as if every single one of them had brought their A-game.
156  San Antonio VacationgregDone225/27/2017
    With great flourish, we took the bowls and put them under the dogs' noses and they went to town!
155  Will That Snow Ever Melt? !bettyDone212/5/2017
     What's going on?" And so I wake in the morning and I step outside just to get a breath of fresh, crisp, cold air, but what do I get?!! I get instead a blast of the past. It's 80s music everywhere! It reminds of all the times that I ever wanted more in my whole life.
154  Different Pizza ToppingsgregDone211/11/2017
     It can be hard to come up with a combination of pizza toppings that will please everyone in the group, but if you stick olives with toothpicks on the pizza, there could be tragic results...like wasting pizza!
153  But I don't want to!bonnieDone2011/13/2016
    BUT I DON'T WANT TO!!!" No one could argue with that. They all leaned way back in their easy chairs and took a nap!
152  We Need More Enthusiasm !bettyDone2210/16/2016
     The matching outfits looked kind of amateur, but the makeup and wigs more than made up for it with Cherry Blossom Bubble Bath! Oh the bubbles. There were so many that we didn't know where to look! I told everybody, "Just remember how we rehearsed it: Keep smiling and always brush your teeth before you do.
151  Xander's New Dorm RoombonnieDone219/9/2016
     Oh well, at least the green bar of soap was not down to a sliver yet, and the roommate had brought his own pile of funky smelling shoes. Xander didn't care since he had a trick to combat the roaches and mice that had invaded the dorm. Just put in the corners of every room little bowls of microwave popcorn.
150  Trying to Keep Cool !bettyDone228/20/2016
    "What is that horrible stench?!" I blurbled. He looked at me like I was an idiot. he said as we sped toward the marina.
149  The Stump VinebonnieDone214/26/2016
     I asked the head of NASA for advice, and thoughtfully, he advised me to spead the word about this legendary plant.
148  LaundrycolleenDone204/2/2016
    One end we could wrap around the big pine tree, and the other end we could tie to the neck of an ISIS terrorist! Hahaha! Actually, I meant the the white clothes should be separated from the red, but I forgot and washed them together! When I took them out of the washer, they were all the color of a cloudy winter sky.
147  It's snowing!!!colleenDone292/22/2016
     You know before you get snowed in you should stock up on Cheetos and Cherry Smash! Get cartons of them at Costco and store them in shoeboxes which were then shoved under the bed, next to the pile of slush the dog fell into!
145  Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!bettyDone212/5/2016
     We were greatly anticipating Bonnie's annual January visit! So besides vacuuming the whole house, we also decided to rearrange the chess pieces while she's not looking.
144  Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!colleenDone201/10/2016
     Ladelling out a serving, I went out on the patio and enjoyed a big bowl of roasted chili peppers. In fact, anyone could just walk in and easily help themselves to croissants, chocolate eclairs, and mugs of steaming beef stew.
143  Resolutions for the New Year !bettyDone221/9/2016
     "You can do it," I said, with enthusiasm, " Let's celebrate our resoluting by going out to eat!!
142  Ordering Online Christmas Presents !bettyDone2112/14/2015
    The sound was like a cash register that would not stop....I had blown my budget big time and now I for sure must make a decision. But that's so difficult to do when your eyes are so blurry after cataract surgery!
141  Dual CompostersgregDone2112/13/2015
     That's right. It turned over layer by layer as I rotated the barrel. I expected a bad odor, but all I smelled was the thick, sticky smoke from Stevens' smouldering burn pile.
140  Deli BolognagregDone2211/28/2015
     The only way this can be rectified is to put all the meats through the sausage grinder again and then display them in the windows, for all to admire. Stunned, the grocer just stood there holding the orange he had been peeling, he squeezed it a little too hard and a spurt flew directly into his display of twenty-five varieties of Deli Bologna!
139  Getting Ready for Fall !bettyDone2110/29/2015
    he makes me want to put on a harness attached with strong rope and carabiners to something sturdy. This is what's known as fall protection gear.
138  SlatheragegregDone219/16/2015
     And look at the price tag! It cost over $ 500. Worth every penny! Not only was it useful for safely snagging escaped animals, you could also use it for compost.
137  Growing Those Tomatoes !bettyDone218/1/2015
    How peaceful and pretty. But then I spied flying across the full moon, a big hulking tomato like I had never seen!
136  Midnight snackcolleenDone216/11/2015
    I picked one out and looked closely and crawling out of it, I saw a grayish-white shadow. I thought I could see through it. Was it a ghost? Uncertain, I reached out my hand and gingerly nudged the doughnut.
135  That New Smart PhonebettyDone226/10/2015
    As would be expected, his reaction to that was a great lot of sneering and sidelong glances. Come on! How could anybody be that behind the times? Clearly it's time to fill your pot with dirt and of course water it.
134  NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THISgregDone246/3/2015
    Zzzzzzz Garfield was asleep again. Odie was just staring at him and then he decided to wash & polish his motorcycle and get it all ready to take to Texas ! It was going to be a whirlwind adventure, scenic, and of course buying lots of tickets: to the movies, to the amusement park, and to go to the back of the bus where you can be alone so you can read your fortune cookie!
133  Why me!?!!colleenDone236/3/2015
    The options were spaghetti and meatballs, lasagna, or rigatoni. I picked the lasagna and doused it with balsamic vinaigrette.
132  Backyard ProjectsbettyDone225/28/2015
    They had all gathered to dump and spread the compost all over the ground. Obviously that will help improve the borders of the property by planting every 18 inches a small new sprout. So many new beginnings! It's so encouraging to see all the worms twisting and turning in the new worm farm which was another new project thought up by the very garden gnomes who now completed the whimsical tableau.
131  Cupcakes!colleenDone225/26/2015
     Into that, sprinkle some delicately iced with pastel swirls of curled ribbon. The most delicious part is the unique combination of chocolate chips, coconut, chopped pecans, and held together by welded high-gauge wire. Exquisitely beautiful, on the very top, there balanced a gymnast who was trying out for the Olympics!
129  Climbing Enchanted RockbettyDone215/2/2015
    It could also be caused by heavy and drenching downpours of rain which then froze over the entire Rock when the temperature suddenly dropped.
128  I Need to Take a Trip !bettyDone224/16/2015
     Never in my life had I ever tasted anything so disgusting and horrible. It must have been past its expiration date! I just had to spit it out onto the lawn. There, in the sun, I could see a big hydrogen firestorm.
127  Bonnie's New Tutoring JobbonnieDone274/16/2015
    In fact it should take about this long: 15 and a half femtoseconds. You would need a pulsed X-ray laser to measure that time frame!
126  Getting Ready for New Year's EvebettyDone222/18/2015
    It's Regular Ordinary Swedish meal time flies when you're having fun! Or as the famous Latin phrase puts it: " Carpe Noctem !" So we worked through the night putting the final touches on the family portrait. If only everyone would stand still! If only I had remembered all the eggnog was gone!
125  New Year's ResolutionsbonnieDone2212/24/2014
    Maybe then it will be easier to accomplish.The first rule of making a good resolution is to make it specific. For example, don't just say that you're going to lose weight. Say you're going to take a trip around the world !! Just make sure you stop at the first sign of feeling faint. And now you know how to make your neighbors your best friends for life !Just walk over, knock on their door and with great enthusiasm, say, "
124  Get Those Presents Wrapped !bettyDone2212/24/2014
     The first step is to acquire the presents. Second, you have to get someone to put their finger in the middle of a bow, so you can pull out just as much as you need. Next, take the scissors and curl the ribbon. Make sure every strand of ribbon is curled in a spiral and hangs down over the back of the tongue.
123  We Need a Plumber !bettyDone2212/12/2014
     Where is that awful stink coming from?? My nose led me to the conclusion that we should call a plumber. It seems pretty obvious if the toilet won't even flush.
122  Christmas DecorationsbonnieDone2212/12/2014
    That's my favorite! Well-stuffed tummies are definitely a part of Christmas: pot-bellied snowmen, Santa...all indicative of prosperity and feasting. That's my favorite! He was left in utter darkness and promptly eaten by a grue.
121  I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!bettyDone2111/28/2014
    "That thing is enormous!" The doctor yelled. "We have to operate now! There's no time to climb down! Just jump! As soon as you get your balance, you can play Pac-Man with your feet !
120  The Great BeyondxanderDone219/21/2014
    So to be truly safe, they would need to suit up in 30 seconds or less! In a situation like that, nobody but nobody wants their oxygen tank to run out! You would have to rush to fill it again with concrete. This time, we're going for permanence!
119  Summer bonnieDone209/21/2014
    My wife insisted I was being paranoid, but I had to be absolutely certain that the air conditioner would never break down again. Pack wisely, because the ants and mice can get into any little crevice to eat carefully prepared a series of dangerous, deadly traps leading up to my bathroom.
118  Best Video Game of the Year !bettyDone228/15/2014
    I handed them to the nurse, but she shook her head and said, " Oh my!!! What a garbled mess this has become!!! At least I was able to kill all the drop bears and goblins, well, sort of, I guess."
117  The best movie EVER!!!colleenDone217/18/2014
    Should old acquaintance[s] be forgot, and never brought to mind, then I'll never see you again, and that suits me just fine." Then some other people also stood up, put their hands over their hearts, and with great gusto, they sang "
116  What I Saw When I Took A Walk IIgregDone235/28/2014
    Don't you know I can punch you in your face! Take that! I ran away cackling like a slowly creeping snail and everywhere it went it gathered oodles of poodles and strudels with noodles.
115  You know...bonnieDone2311/10/2013
     Nearby there was a lurking police car. People should know better than to cook a bowl of noodles for lunch in the middle of defeating the giant cave troll, I found I needed quickly to scrub that off before it stained. Smell that? It's napalm. In the morning. I LOVE IT! It smells like victory and then, when you least expect to find roly poly bugs in the flower pots.
114  Whatever is on your mind !bettyDone2410/27/2013
    They may cause a tremendous amount of gas and you will feel quite light-headed. The remedy for that is to be totally relaxed, have warm socks on your feet, and be ready to tackle the quarterback!
113  Nursery RhymegregDone2210/24/2013
    But warm tea goes down like vanilla pudding: smooth and chewed just as if it came out of a brand new electric stirring mechanism. So now if you have peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, or peas porridge in the pot nine days old, you can be assured it will be well-stirred even if you're not around.
112  Global Warming !bettyDone268/19/2013
    No wait, that's not blood, it's diarrhea. Someone must have manually opened the seal! Now contamination will leak into the pantry and make the sacks of flour wet and the cans of soup rust.
110  Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !bettyDone224/19/2013
    Heck, I'll order some onion rings too. And for dessert, we wanted Royal Crown Colas and Moon Pies !! How delicious! But things don't always taste the way we remember them....
109  ThanksgivingbonnieDone1912/19/2012
    Clearly the only thing to do now is have seconds! But just as I was about pile up my plate with some lovely decorated Rainbow Pony cupcakes were left at my doorstep! I wonder who brought them? Could it have been that I had made them myself and forgotten?
108  I Blew Up My Lab!gregDone2110/26/2012
    Gasp! He had to get out! He had to order pizza to be delivered to the lab and the toppings were a choice from four: The four edible choices were BBQ beef brisket, chicken tetrazini, grilled salmon, or a Popburger.
107  Christmas Shopping IIIbettyDone212/11/2012
     It was very exciting. The wind was whipping through our hair and we began to feel the wall for the light switch.
106  Let's Organize Your Garage !bettyDone227/25/2011
    As he opened them, he said, "Mama used to say life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you might find under all those boxes." In fact, down on the floor in the far corner, I found a reason to live again! Now I'll never have to hunt for a tool again!
105  Christmas Shopping IIgregDone212/24/2011
    Imagine if post-impressionism and paisley had a child which then vomited onto a sheet of paper: that would look about twice as nice as this paper. But, it was all they had so I took it. On the way out, I accidentally tipped over the trash can and out spilled a whole bunch of jelly beans, which inexplicably caused an entomological cavalcade of roaches to march onto the counter.
103  Zombie Attack!gregDone226/10/2010
    It is also important where you place them: only put them back in the grave where they belong.
102  The Art of DeclutteringbettyDone218/4/2009
    And the first thing to do is play a few missions in City Of Heroes just to get your blood flowing. The next thing to do would be have a fire sale! Anything that didn't get sold would become kindling for the bonfire that would be against my better judgment to put the white underwear into the same drawer as the colored butterflies streamed through the sewer line so fast that everyone thought, "
101  The hathood of the traveling brown hat.rhondaDone213/20/2009
     That would look so cool on my hat. I got on the internet and ordered one from this company called " The Joke's on You, LLC." They specialize in sneaky stuff like letting the air out of the sweatband of the hat where I found a secret note!
100  The Nephews come to VisitgregDone2212/9/2008
     Well we finally got it all settled and the choice was Swirled Tempest of Flaming Death, the trademark attack of the zombie ninjas of Mars.
99  Laser Eye SurgerygregDone2010/3/2008
    He pointed at it and exclaimed "What is a laser anyway? Will it hurt?!! Could it possibly lead to early development of cataracts? I need to know because who wants to be blind for the rest of his life?!!" I decided to get a second opinion. The new doctor examined me, and with a big smile on his face, said to me, "
98  Abiathar the Superhero!gregDone214/27/2007
     Those thugs were too powerful. Run away! He jumped over a wall and landed in a huge pool of radioactive sludge. He was in a Vahzlizok strongold! He leapt to his feet, grinned from ear to ear and slammed the Death Wish Mortificator into the bottom of the Hydra's stomach.
97  My New Video Game!bettyDone213/13/2007
    I knew it was full of video games which I had ordered. I'm so skilled at 'em they only last a few days, max. That's why I have to soak my hands in hot paraffin every night.
96  Fixing up my GardengregDone221/29/2007
     So I mixed up a poison solution and poured it on the fire to put it out! That was close! My chrysanthemums were only slightly singed. Relieved, I filled in the big hole dug by the groundhog, and on top of that dirt I put a big flat tire in the middle of the garden, because I didn't have anywhere else to put it.
95  Rearranging My New Tech RoombettyDone221/31/2007
    Not only would games run faster, but I could never banish the cats from the tech room even though they often wreak havoc with the local radio stations.
94  Speeding Down the HighwaybettyDone2112/4/2006
     So they fastened their seatbelts, turned to each other and grinned and then they gasped in shock at the number of bugs that had shuffled off this mortal coil on their teeth.
93  Having SurgerygregDone2012/1/2006
    "I hope you have a good insurance policy, because you are SURELY going to need it!" This bold statement caused a huge increase in his medical malpractice insurance premiums. He may have to terminate his membership at the country club.
92  Accountant at WorkgregDone214/1/2006
    Rogers Windows! Did you know that poor-quality windows could cost you a bundle in heating bills? That's why I always read the Dilbert cartoon as soon as I get to work. That turns out to be the best part of the day for me because he makes me feel like I'm in control of my financial destiny.
91  What I Saw When I Took a WalkbettyDone213/31/2006
    This went on until I thought my throat would explode, when suddenly out of a ditch slithered a gigantic, slobbering, museum-class specimen of a loogie, frozen in amber, with bacteria in suspended animation that could be removed by meticulously scraping with a very sharp knife, and then following up with a gentle rub with a thin layer of butter, then I put some cinnamon-sugar on it.
90  Learning a Foreign LanguagegregDone222/4/2006
     So we got cream pies in the face from those angry Frenchmen. Then we retaliated with a barrage of German invective. we snarled informally. Shocked, he picked his beret out of the muddy gutter, shook it off and put it on his resume. This will surely impress them! They'll be so impressed they will spew!
89  Putting out Christmas LightsbettyDone212/3/2006
     We were so happy to get the job finally finished, that we proclaimed a toast to be buttered and jammed in her honor. It became the Christmas Toast. We put it in hyperdrive and watched with glee, when it started to spark and sizzle from all the electricity coursing through it.
88  Lazor Beam HydragregDone2212/16/2005
     It looks brand new! It's so sparkly, it must be alive! I wondered what would happen if I touched it, so I did.
87  Concert at Chrysler HallbettyDone2112/14/2005
    We could see the entire auditorium from here, as well as mink coats, diamond tiaras, and fancy tuxedos trimmed with mistletoe and holly. Oh! What fun it was to hobnob with all those blue bloods! The mayor was there, several state councilmen were there, we even saw George Allen, John Warner, and Harvey Morgan in the foyer, and they were having a heated discussion about which burned longer: a violin or a viola.
86  Touring EuropebonnieDone2112/13/2005
     We sped along the unfamiliar tanks from the Russian military came rolling down the highway, the asphault crumbling under their heavy wheels!
85  Christmas ShoppingbettyDone2212/1/2005
     What else could happen?!! Right away we started looking for a ribbon to put on the ribbon and I was good to go! The only thing that was still bugging me was what to get for the person on my list that was the hardest to buy for: my loud and noxious neighbor.
84  Working at McDonald'sgregDone2112/1/2005
     But he didn't understand that we never clean off the tables unless the manager yells at us; which he usually does every hour: He yells, "
83  Trip to the Pumpkin PatchsherryDone2211/7/2005
    Boy, it stank, but the flames reached to pick up a jar of homemade apple butter! I had to squint to read the obiturary, but I managed to make out "squished by a giant pumpkin"!
82  test2gregDone249/16/2015
    Back to the basics of the hip-hop scene, just a loop, and some lyrics, and a mic, you know what I mean? "Well, not exactly..." I said. "I don't have any idea what you are talking about. There's no title, no subject...How would I begin to know what you mean?
81  Going Into Space IIgregDone2110/28/2005
    We landed on the dark side of the moon and off in the distance we could hear weird music, so we decided to go to light speed! What! No light speed??? Would it help if I released the emergency brake? She smiled sweetly and pushed the button that sent them all hurtling into a black hole.
80  Taking Computer ClassbettyDone2010/27/2005
     You never learned to touch-type?!! You must have gone to school in West Virginia!
79  Cooking Show IIgregDone219/27/2005
    Next, chop the garlic into tiny bits at least small enough to fit into a cupcake holder! You should decorate it with a little truffle trifle." "Eww!" I exclaimed. "Truffles smell like sweaty gym socks. They also will alleviate constipation, especially for people who eat a lot of pasta!
78  Potty Training the TwinsbettyDone219/24/2005
     And the Welcome Wagon ladies were already coming up my front steps!
77  Noisy NeighborsbonnieDone219/23/2005
     Don't get me started on stereos with too much bass. There's no way I am going to invite those idiots to my birthday party so they can eat all my gourmet pastries were sitting on the counter, and I reached for the mop to bang on the ceiling.
76  Driving Across CountrybettyDone229/16/2005
    There's no telling what we will do if we start down that mountain and our brakes give out! We will probably end up going into a rest area to collect tourist pamphlets for the area. Of course, while we're there, we'll check out the local caves.
75  NASCAR DaysgregDone219/9/2005
     Suddenly, my nose started bleeding, and to wipe it, all I had was a sunburn and a hangover, but boy was that fun! The excitement was electric! Suddenly, my nose started bleeding, and to wipe it, all I had was a sunburn and a hangover, but boy was that fun! He sacrificed winning just so he could get the inside lane advantage!
74  Conserving WaterbonnieDone229/9/2005
     At this rate, nobody's toilet in the entire county would ever flush completely again! This is great news! At this rate, nobody's toilet in the entire county would ever flush completely again!
73  The Best Diet Ever!sherryDone218/31/2005
     No one will know you. Everyone will think you are Shamu the Orca if you wear a tuxedo before your diet is accomplished.
72  What a Yard Sale!bettyDone208/23/2005
     I am so limber I bet I could put my foot under my bra. I didn't have a pocket so that's where I kept the money from the yardsale. Those chilly coins were a problem though, so we stunned them with electric shocks. After that they didn't need to mow the lawn! The grass was all mashed down, because all the people had found such great bargains, and were so delighted, they asked us if we would consider administering a state-wide network of yard sales from an executive highrise in Manhattan.
71  Test PilotgregDone218/17/2005
     After 15 years I had earned the reputation of the best test pilot in the country. But I was in for the surprise of my life. It all started the day my mechanic called to me, "Captain Mitchell, you had better put down that bottle of Tequila and come look at this." Although having been on a 3 day binge, I tried to rise from my seated position.
70  A Day in the Life of a DorksherryDone218/14/2005
     I asked. "I'm only doing that today," he answered, "tomorrow I'm going to upgrade my PDA to have 256 MB of RAM! she said, "I just can't relax unless I know that you have other clothes to wear besides one bearing logos and movie quips from Star Wars, Star Trek, Tron and Hackers, I'll never go out with you!"
69  Time for a Checkup!bonnieDone218/3/2005
     Only problem now was the fact that scratching the rash had left me with less than $5 in my pocket. I could not afford to have them do that diagnostic test, so I told him, "That's okay, I probably don't need both kidneys.
68  Building My New Cat CondobettyDone217/10/2005
    "Well, you didn't expect him to throw up on it, did you? Tee hee!"
67  Putting Up WallpapergregDone216/12/2005
    That's OK, because we bought extra rolls just in case. Try to line up the red hexagons so they match. This has to be done very carefully! If you don't do it correctly, you will have me to deal with!"
66  My Newest Home Improvement Project!bettyDone205/17/2005
     I decided to put it in the garbage disposal to see what would happen. I flicked the switch and the loud noise that erupted sounded like a hundred termites trying to chew through the wall! Ha ha!
65  Phone CallbonnieDone215/9/2005
     I am your free taxi service today! But if you feel you must, you can just give me a chance!
64  Airline PilotgregDone214/23/2005
     It's important for you to remember that each passenger stepped carefully over the puddles of puke and gladly walked down the metal stairway into the fresh air of Tarmac City, U.S.A.
63  I'm Not In It For The...bonnieDone214/6/2005
    Yes siree! No one can take the smile off my face! It's going to stay there until you get a good principal!" "We don't want a good principal!"
62  Hosting a Cooking ShowbettyDone214/12/2005
    Eventually, this began to attract flies. "Who left the window open?" He shouted. "Close that window before that monkey gets in!"
61  Ain't It Cool?gregDone224/7/2005
    Why, I remember when 8-tracks were giving way to audio cassettes! Now, music is one of those things you can't live without. It's like the heartbeat of the spirit, man. It's the soundtrack of life. You gotta have a belt with those pants if you don't want to be holding them up all day!
60  Competing with Starbuck'sbonnieDone214/2/2005
    You want fries with that?" She gave me such an evil look, that I really wanted to give her a chance to make better hot chocolate than the swill she had been serving. I told her, "You have to SMILE at the customer!
59  My First Ocean CruisebettyDone213/28/2005
    Stunned, I replied "But it was right here! I put it there myself!" I was completely flabbergasted! I had lost my third game of shuffleboard! What to do? I think I should sit out the next one and work out a new lodging arrangement. and chuckled nervously. Our best course of action was to put on life jackets right away and line up next to the lady in the fancy hat.
58  Captain UnderpantsgregDone213/23/2005
     You stop traffic while I wash this man's windshield! He will surely reward me with a big wad of toilet paper stuck in my butt, I look just like a bunny rabbit! Hop, hop, hop!" He giggled, as he flushed my goldfish down the toilet. One after another, down they went, and I was helpless to control it.
57  New Year's Resolutions!bonnieDone213/18/2005
     With a healthier diet, lifting weights, power walking, and balacing my checkbook on time so that I know I have enough money to buy some new underwear! Whew! Now I won't be embarrassed if I get in a car accident!
56  Saturday Morning's Cartoon MarathonbettyDone213/13/2005
     The rockets landed with a great sound like a car crash! But it was the dishes, falling on the kitchen floor because the kids were up on the counter trying to get their own breakfast!
55  Spy Base AlphagregDone213/8/2005
    As a result, he was disgraced--and grievously wounded. After he recovered from his coma he discovered he had a new ability: he had heightened awareness of a person's inclinations-- good or evil.
54  Texas WinterbonnieDone203/3/2005
    Surprised, I realized it must be in Texas, not Kansas after all. How did I get here? It's so hot and the heat makes me feel like dancing!
53  Christmas Shopping - 2004bettyDone202/26/2005
    I need to, umm, get some stuff." An hour later my receipt showed up in my e-mail. And with that, I got out a notepad and pencil, and started planning for NEXT Christmas!
52  Modeling AgencygregDone212/21/2005
     How mod! I wonder who thought up that idea. It must have been Mr. Fleschmarkt who authorized that! You know it's against procedure to wear more clothes than can be stored in a purse. Now fix your wardrobe immediately!" Crying, she moaned, "Why me? Why do I have to wear that hideous dress?
51  All I Need Is...bonnieDone212/16/2005
     Will I be a n00b for the rest of my life? None of this makes sense to me. To help me I think I'll ask the bartender. "What do you recommend?" He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment before stomping on the gas pedal and screaming out of the parking lot like a bat out of H-E-double hockey sticks.
50  My Summer at the Archeological DigbettyDone212/11/2005
    Who's up for some Mickie D's?" There was a long, tense silence, until finally someone said, "Well, I'm hungry. Who's up for some Mickie D's?"
49  Shopping at Lowe'sgregDone202/6/2005
     I had to giggle because it reminded me of all the failed projects in the past. I always either had too little lumber, too few nails, or too few employees available to help me! I have no idea where the restrooms are in this store, and I need one bad! I need one so bad that I can't wait any longer for someone to help me!
48  Anorexia TherapybonnieDone212/1/2005
     Now that you've realized you have a problem, we need to work on getting some meat on those bones! First, check out this picture of a double whopper with bacon and cheese! Next, you must only go grocery shopping when you are really hungry. That will enable you to put some food in your mouth, chew it up, and swallow it.
47  Building My New House!bettyDone231/27/2005
     Wet cement reached from their toes all the way up to their knees! Either we're forming a habitat for something other than humans, or someone's gonna have to mow!"
46  Ultimate Ninja IIgregDone211/22/2005
    "For great justice!" I cried, and "All your base are belong to us!" Then I jumped over the wall and into the swirling vortex of fear! Countering the attack with another new move, the hovering spinning high kick, he propelled his opponent across the room flew a whirling bat ninja right at me.
45  Election Day!bettyDone211/17/2005
    So we went to the front of the line to show our voter cards. banner. It was sad, in a way, since everyone knew that chewing gum really does stick to the bottoms of desks and stays there forever.
44  A Day in the Life of...bonnieDone201/12/2005
    My home, seen only in faded memories after all those years... Delirious with joy, I lept aboard the ship that would take me home.
43  High School CarwashgregDone201/7/2005
     Then we took both ends and twisted them into mangled balls of metal. The giant robot then kicked them out of his way, like soccer balls made of tin foil. over her top, and "WASH" over her lower area, so the signs obscured her clothing and everyone driving past would think "Holy cow!
42  Pushed Over the EdgebonnieDone211/2/2005
    He was dangling from a precarious precipice with a scant hand hold.
41  Cleaning Out the GaragebettyDone2112/28/2004
    John-John, my special friend, what I should do...wait. He's imaginary, I keep forgetting!
40  HULK SMASH!gregDone2012/23/2004
    Me knock you into the middle of the walls of the building across the alleyway!"
39  Joining the PTAbonnieDone2012/18/2004
     That we're all a bunch of slack-jawed faggots. If we're going to regain any shred of respect we're going to have to take a stand! Together! I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. The voice of the people will not be ignored!
38  Going to the County FairbettyDone2012/13/2004
    He started to spin drunkenly, crying "My head! but we grabbed him and wanted to turn him inside out, if you know what I mean.
37  News at 11gregDone2012/8/2004
    "I need to get some of that!" Bob exclaimed. "It's the best way to sneak up on someone, and then, the instant you know they see you, you shout, 'NINJA!'" He said that so loudly, I jumped. "Are you ,"
36  Investigating VegetarianismbonnieDone2112/3/2004
     Good thing I asked for a Kosher meal. I guess that's why they gave me a plate of warm stir-fried vegetable with tofu crumbles."
35  Boppy's Trip to TexasbettyDone2111/28/2004
    Security measures, you know. So in the spirit of cooperation, we all trooped through the metal detector one by one. When the alarm sounded, the inspector pulled aside a tall glass of iced tea!
34  Dance ClassbonnieDone2111/23/2004
    (SPLAT!) The class all laughed, because they knew she was just not the type. Their only recourse was to join the Army. Fortunately, they breezed through all the physical training and went on to become decorated infantry.
33  The Minotaur KinggregDone2111/18/2004
     I just knew if I could get a running start I could make that jump. Mentally focused, and calling on all my leg muscles, I sprang up to the edge of the pit and was able to pull myself out before the avalanche of rocks smashed into where'd I'd been moments before.
32  The Bizarre BazaarbonnieDone2011/13/2004
     I grabbed it quickly because I wanted to add it to my collection. I tried it out too. While I was whirling it around my waist, I started to feel nostalgia for the carefree days of my youth, once so far away, but now closer for seeing the whole collection of Scooby Doos all in one place was amazing!
31  My Trip Around the WorldbettyDone2111/8/2004
     It will cause itchy feet. That's right. You won't be satisfied to stay at home.
30  Downtown PrecinctgregDone2211/3/2004
    That's the way we do things around here. And sometimes I had to bash some heads to make it happen. someone yelled, "have you seen those platinum handcuffs that were in the display case?!!
29  Growing Up on a FarmbettyDone2110/29/2004
    day. First I started washing the windows. That took a while. To wash them I used cotton balls and baby oil.
28  The Dinosaur WorldbonnieDone2110/24/2004
     It was deserted, but we found some newly laid dinosaur eggs. They were huge. Ethan wanted to make scrambled eggs with them, but Xander yelled "NO!
27  Gardening with BettygregDone2010/19/2004
    That's the price you pay for neglecting it or using cheap stuff for fertilizer!
26  On the Open RoadbonnieDone2110/14/2004
     And every time I get to the bottom, I have this feeling of diarrhea running down my pants leg... That's when I know it's time to turn around and head for home. You know, just like Dorothy said, "There's no place like home." Everybody out of the way! And every time I get to the bottom, I have this feeling of diarrhea running down my pants leg...
25  The International VillagebonnieDone2110/9/2004
    Molly was almost 7 feet tall and weighed 260 lbs. Her hair was blonde and braided into long pigtails which were wrapped around her bulging arms. Muscles rippled under the skin with even the slightest movement. she said with a resounding contralto. "We have a very serious problem the trucking company just delivered 500 pounds of pork chops to the Jewish banquet hall.
24  Weekend in ParisgregDone2110/4/2004
    It seems to be all around us!" She was right; the very air seems to be immersed in vaporized perfume.
23  Xander Goes ShoppingbettyDone229/29/2004
    "WOOHOO!" Greg exclaimed as he ran to it. "It's out already!" But Xander said, " You know, I am getting hungry. Is there a restaurant around here anywhere?" And sure enough there was a Taco Bell right inside the store! So Xander hurried over there and ordered a big Mac with cheese and extra ketchup and Great Biggie Fries.
22  Fart DictionarybonnieDone219/24/2004
     Sometimes they can be REALLY stinky! And sometimes they're loud! Sometimes they're so loud they are deafening; so cacophonous they pierce your ears; so mind-boggling they make your butt steam! If that happens, the only thing you can do is blow it out with all your might.
21  Boot CampgregDone219/19/2004
     Needless to say, we were pretty exhausted, and ready for a break. We cautiously asked the drill sargeant if he would let us have some more corned beef hash before we had to do another 100 push-ups. But nooooo, we did more push-ups and then it was time to go to the mess hall.
20  Good Old Pop's Drive-inbettyDone219/14/2004
     Traffic was stopping just to listen. Pretty soon the whole parking lot was full of chicken nuggets!
19  Going Back to CollegebettyDone219/9/2004
    Ha ha ho ho." At this, we slowly backed out of the room and ran lickety split down the hall yelling our lungs out, "Help!
18  If You Give a Mouse a CookiebonnieDone219/4/2004
    I listen to it nice and loud, and it rocks me to sleep, no pun intended! But the mice hate it. The mice also hate it when their fur is rubbed the wrong way. Fortunately for them few creatures including humans ever get the chance to do this.
17  Our Summer VacationbettyDone218/30/2004
     "That was quite a steep waterslide! I don't think I want to go down that again! It scared me too much and when I got to the bottom, I hit a Honda Civic!
16  Trapped in a MinegregDone218/25/2004
    "Are you nuts?!" I exclaimed. "How can you think about food at a time like this?
14  Our Visit to the LibrarybonnieDone218/15/2004
     Then we go directly to the reference section so we can look up Guinea Worms. We want to know all about them so we can write a report.
13  Stress Reduction TechniquesbonnieDone238/10/2004
    Why is the grass green? Why--" And just then the drugs kicked in and then the convulsions started. "Oh, no!" My friends said, "Quickly, turn off the electricity before she's fried!"
12  My New Job at Burger KingbettyDone208/5/2004
    And so it was time to clean that greasy, baconbit-encrusted grill. First off, turn it on low, then squirt it with liquified meat product. It gives it that meat-like flavor, and don't forget the starch spray for the fries.
11  Cooking with GrandmabettyDone227/31/2004
     And this was the photo they were going to publish in the newspaper next to her recipe for Banana Upside-Down Chocolate Chip Brownies with walnuts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
10  Ultimate NinjagregDone227/26/2004
    No one would ever think to challenge my power again. They had thought to feast upon me, but they were fed only wrath.
 Wall Street BluesgregDone227/16/2004
    Those were the only kind of wallets Greg carried around nowadays--genuine leather and filled to overflowing with Jacksons, Grants, and Franklins.
 Going into SpacebettyDone217/11/2004
     Who would have believed that we, untrained as astronauts, could really take a trip to the hobby store, to see what the biggest rocket motor available was. Unfortunately, they were disappointed to find no atmosphere!
 Ye Olde Medieval DaysbettyDone217/1/2004
     "I have a demon in my castle tower. I think I will unleash him upon my evil enemy, the Earl of Sandwich!" He strode in purposely, a roast beef hoagie in one hand, and a salami grinder in the other.
 Barrister the Lawyer CatbettyDone216/26/2004
    his mom said, "your screen time is all used up for today. Tomorrow is a new day and you can renew your magazine subscriptions over the phone, but only if you act now!" So I hung up on him. I looked at Barrister, and said, "Hey, let bygones be bygones and let's all go out for anchovie pizza."
 The Big ConundrumbettyDone216/21/2004
    and pounded his shoe on the table for effect. Unfortunately, the force of it caused an explosion of monumental proportions! Everyone stood in fearful amazement wondering if they would be doomed to live the rest of their lives up in branches of this oak tree.
 Woo baby!gregDone216/16/2004
    As soon as it did, however, all the walls were teeming with cockroaches, crawling over each other, a sea of movement, all headed helter-skelter for the comic book shop, because the lateezt issue of THE INCREDIBLE HULK was out!!
 Big ComputergregDone186/11/2004
    In fact, he still had enough time to play another game of Warlords Battlecry. Being only 10 battles away from finishing another campaign, he was anxious to see which orb he would get next. So immediately he began to jump up and down and sing "Yankee Doodle."