Betty's Turn-Down Game

Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system.

Please select a story to view:

Story ID	Title	Creator	Status	Num Entries	Date Finished
174	Springtime in Virginia	betty	Done	22	12/27/2022
We landed right in a big pile of dry leaves! The pleasant earthy smell of po-tay-toes! Boil em, mash em, stick inna stew! Where did we land? We landed right in a big pile of dry leaves! The pleasant earthy smell of po-tay-toes! Boil em, mash em, stick inna stew! And when I finally checked the calendar, I realized our next house is going to need multiple fireplaces, because that last winter was a doozy!
173	Daylight Saving Time !	betty	Done	23	4/21/2021
Most other people would flee or cower in the face of such peril, but we could always count on him to fire up the grill!! Get those steaks ready!! He was always generous with sprinkling the garlic salt, but he was very careful with the bottle of 1931 Sauvignon Blanc from France. This bottle had survived bombing runs, train rides, baggage valets handing it off from country to country, until it finally reached 2021.
172	A Winter Day in the Wilderness	bonnie	Done	22	2/15/2021
Infuriated, he snorted, and the breath was visible in the cold air. The hills echoed with his bellow of rage, and remnants of soft verses of Psalmic peace.
171	Oh, the weather outside is frightful...	betty	Done	22	12/31/2020
You know--the ones where you have to sand off the excess dirt and grime, and then the next step is the most important one: onto the airplane!
170	The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!	betty	Done	23	1/13/2020
It takes a number of hours for a turkey to cook properly, and even an oven has limited power. But Chancellor Palpatine has UNLIMITED POWER!!!!!!!!! That's why Master Windu got disarmed. Dang Sith. Dang them straight to heck. But anyway, that's okay because we'll fry it later.
169	A Breath of Fresh Air	bonnie	Done	22	11/15/2019
Served with a nice dry white, can of Rustoleum spray paint. That will do the trick. Just don't be heavy handed with the instruments! Chip Davis paid a lot to assemble this plethora of instruments, and you -- what? Plethora. Plethora. No, it's a word that means a tornado probably came though overnight.
168	Toiling at 3 a.m.	betty	Done	22	10/13/2019
Instead, go mallwalking! While you're there, make sure you order at least one latte and sit by a window as you watch go by the wayside.
167	The Reckoning of the Kiwis	xander	Done	22	7/28/2019
Yeah, like actual dust from a fairy, we couldn't believe it. A little dude with wings showed up with a handful of sparkly crap. Anyway, it backfired horribly: we were just covered in kiwi fruit puree and crushed red cherries and pineapple.
166	Somebody's Gotta Do It !	betty	Done	22	7/8/2019
VoilaLeiya! That cousin from France was a little strange, she had peculiar habits like washing her dishes in the bidet, injecting Thai hot sauce into her croissants before eating them, and always driving LalaLeiya and her cousin around to see the sights, and we could never pass a Long John Silver's without their putting up a big fuss.
165	I love Thunderstorms !	betty	Done	21	6/10/2019
Steve's date, Maria, had to yell to be heard over the noise, saying " I love salsa! Bring me salsa smothered on tortilla chips and layered with the scents of earth and cut grass."
164	Wrapping those Christmas Presents !	betty	Done	23	1/9/2019
We raised our glasses and forgot all about the present wrapping, and joined in with singing and dancing. The music was outstanding Especially the trumpet player who stood on the stage and proceeded to lead everyone in a rousing chorus of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!"
163	Let's Set Fire to the Woods	xander	Done	21	12/7/2018
We gathered all that in a little pile, and then went looking for the all important matches.
162	Some Kind of Adventure	xander	Done	23	9/10/2018
Now what? Here I am, stuck up on this remote control for the Blu-Ray player. I kept mashing buttons and nothing worked.
161	That Garage !	betty	Done	22	8/9/2018
No more screwing around. Sometimes, only brute force can solve a problem.
160	I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?	betty	Done	24	8/3/2018
Certainly the smells there would be delightful! Wow! Thinking about that, why am I even still considering other jobs?? But this is an important decision, so I'll keep thinking. There's something to be said for being out in the sunshine and fresh air, so maybe I should think about wearing rubber gloves when I am washing the dishes at Jim's.
159	A large, healthy tuft of stump grass	bonnie	Done	22	7/18/2018
And it's a good thing they did, because if they hadn't done so, and quick, we all know what would have happened.
158	Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse	betty	Done	21	7/11/2018
I scooped him up and went through a massive stone archway, imposing and mystical. It bridged the gap between this world and the others, and beyond it were visible incomprehensible wonders and horrors alike.
157	Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus	betty	Done	22	7/6/2017
Ick! I hadn't even considered bringing bug spray. Well, like they say, when life hands you lemons, discard the lemons; make bacon. So I picked up the tick and carried it to the entomology lab for analysis.
156	San Antonio Vacation	greg	Done	22	5/27/2017
The winner would be able to do it with the least amount of elbow grease....and what a relief that was! Because who wants a elbow smothered in 100% maple syrup that was imported from Vermont. "Vermont?!" Betty exclaimed. "That's yankee territory!
155	Will That Snow Ever Melt? !	betty	Done	21	2/5/2017
And don't forget to put on deodorant because you don't know who you might run into. You might even run into a zamboni! And you're miles from the nearest skating rink. The nearest one is right next doo' Let's walk over there, introduce ourselves to the new neighbor, and say, "Hey, hey, hey, hey.
154	Different Pizza Toppings	greg	Done	21	1/11/2017
Then there is the delicious fruit pizza! Sugar cookie crust with strawberries, kiwi fruit, pineapple all arranged in a pattern of pleasing proportions. The cheese should go on first, though.
153	But I don't want to!	bonnie	Done	20	11/13/2016
First we went to Cosco and loaded up on lots of wood glue, posterboard, hammers, and nuclear material. That's everything we need for assembling a Gatling gun!
152	We Need More Enthusiasm !	betty	Done	22	10/16/2016
We had chairs for most of them, but the rest had to sit on the floor. That's okay, though, because it wouldn't last very long. Each group had to write an essay explaining the best way for the REST of the groups to be enthusiastic.
151	Xander's New Dorm Room	bonnie	Done	21	9/9/2016
He hadn't even realized it, though, because he had not taken a shower in so long! Oh well, at least the green bar of soap was not down to a sliver yet, and the roommate had brought his own pile of funky smelling shoes.
150	Trying to Keep Cool !	betty	Done	22	8/20/2016
Turn on a high-powered fan and aim it toward my neighbor's open back door. Whee! Now for the fireworks! I hid behind the shrubs and biting my nails, waited for the manicurist to arrive.
149	The Stump Vine	bonnie	Done	21	4/26/2016
The beauty of the Stump Vine is in its elegant foliage and its unique bark. In fact, the bark is so smooth, yet at the same time it is also dying!
148	Laundry	colleen	Done	20	4/2/2016
The only container I could find was a big plastic laundry basket. One big one should be all I need. More than that would mean I would have to spend the next 3 hours sorting it! Ain't nobody got time for that! My mind started going through all the things I could be doing instead: playing Minecraft, watching Youtube videos, I could even see the stains had all but disappeared!
147	It's snowing!!!	colleen	Done	29	2/22/2016
You could easily run into a large elk, arctic fox, or other similar sleds and sleighs, all designed to go really fast down a snowy hill, as long as they were not running around in their underwear as if they were about to take the Polar Bear Plunge.
145	Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!	betty	Done	21	2/5/2016
GET back in that X-ray machine! You look like you are carrying a Beretta PX4 Storm Compact 9mm! With its comfortable grip and good balance and accuracy, this pistol would be a good choice for wearing on the plane. Remember it gets cold on the plane, so you would probably need to holster it."
144	Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!	colleen	Done	20	1/10/2016
Well, hello there!!! I've been ever so busy lately that I nearly stumbled.
143	Resolutions for the New Year !	betty	Done	22	1/9/2016
Determined, I sat down and finally got to #10! I resolve to refrain from eating bowl after bowl of baked beans. I then went to library, found the most crowded reading room, and proceeded to bolster my confidence by encouraging myself under my breath.
142	Ordering Online Christmas Presents !	betty	Done	21	12/14/2015
If you can't sing at least the first verse of Folsom Prison Blues, you'll get kicked out of the 4-H Club faster than you can say " Merry Christmas!" Or you can say, " Pay for it with my Discover Dollars!! Woo hoo!!" It's like free money!! and who would that be?
141	Dual Composters	greg	Done	21	12/13/2015
I told him I could compost those yard clippings, but he said " Stop looking at my bum and get on with your work!" "Do you think I am a GARDENER???
140	Deli Bologna	greg	Done	22	11/28/2015
Leaning in close, she could see tiny maggots ! Horrible ! How did they get there?
139	Getting Ready for Fall !	betty	Done	21	10/29/2015
Better get out that rake because the leaves will be coming down ! You should first lubricate the tines with a little dribble of maple syrup. The next aroma you smell will be burning leaves of course from Stephens back yard.
138	Slatherage	greg	Done	21	9/16/2015
Creeping forward, he spotted a fire ant hill right in his path !! Oh no! So he slowly slithered backward, but they had spotted him!
137	Growing Those Tomatoes !	betty	Done	21	8/1/2015
I looked, up into the sky and there was shining the Blue Moon !! How peaceful and pretty. But then I spied flying across the full moon, a big hulking tomato like I had never seen!
136	Midnight snack	colleen	Done	21	6/11/2015
Then through a little crack in the sugary glaze I saw several disgusting guests on late-night talk shows. They were rude, slovenly, and told rambling, barely-coherent stories about parasites. You should be careful about what you watch on TV before you go to bed.
135	That New Smart Phone	betty	Done	22	6/10/2015
Now we only have to wait to get the bill. I am on pins and needles. I am sitting on the front porch now watching for the app to close without losing my patience with it.
134	NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS	greg	Done	24	6/3/2015
Zzzzzzz Garfield was asleep again. Odie was just staring at him and then he decided to wash & polish his motorcycle and get it all ready to take to Texas ! It was going to be a whirlwind adventure, scenic, and of course buying lots of tickets: to the movies, to the amusement park, and to go to the back of the bus where you can be alone so you can read your fortune cookie!
133	Why me!?!!	colleen	Done	23	6/3/2015
Isn't real life reality enough? Instead they should think how they would feel in that situation.
132	Backyard Projects	betty	Done	22	5/28/2015
Afterwards, I took some oil and rubbed it on my arms to keep away the mosquitoes. It made them so mad they bit me on the back through my shirt! I swatted them with my trowel in one hand and a watering can in the other, nothing can stop me! Unperturbed, I instead presented him with the business end of my shovel, and I washed the dirt off with a scrubbrush and hot soapy water.
131	Cupcakes!	colleen	Done	22	5/26/2015
So good! Mmmmm. Mmmmmm gooood!!!! Mmmmmmmm! So good! Mmmmm. Mmmmmm gooood!!!! Sweat trickled down his leg and got on the beam, and when he took his next step, he closed his eyes and took the first bite. Mmmmmmmm! So good! Mmmmm. Mmmmmm gooood!!!! But he was nervous!
129	Climbing Enchanted Rock	betty	Done	21	5/2/2015
There, under a little tree, we saw all colors of lichens growing on the bald rock.
128	I Need to Take a Trip !	betty	Done	22	4/16/2015
His authoritative tone irked me, so I took particular care in minding who was sitting next to me. I was watching for turbans, scarves, and most of all I was mindful of the gap. If there's one thing I know, it's that you never want to lace-up shoes to the airport, because they are too hard to get on and off, especially if they are laced with arsenic!
127	Bonnie's New Tutoring Job	bonnie	Done	27	4/16/2015
Sure enough...I opened the door and found a cup of Whoop-Ass! I immediately picked it up and threw it at him! He then carried the stack of folders over to the table and spread out the construction paper, blunt scissors, glitter, and glue. Then with them the children proceeded to make cookies to sell to raise enough money for Bonnie's bail bond.
126	Getting Ready for New Year's Eve	betty	Done	22	2/18/2015
And right on top I would squirt a big dollop of mayonnaise. It's good for you! It's Regular Ordinary Swedish meal time flies when you're having fun! Or as the famous Latin phrase puts it: " Carpe Noctem !" So we worked through the night putting the final touches on the family portrait.
125	New Year's Resolutions	bonnie	Done	22	12/24/2014
I knew I could do it!" And now you know how to make your neighbors your best friends for life !Just walk over, knock on their door and with great enthusiasm, say, " I knew I could do it!" Just make sure you stop at the first sign of feeling faint.
124	Get Those Presents Wrapped !	betty	Done	22	12/24/2014
Take one down, pass it around and around until it's good and tight. Just to be sure, shake it to be sure it's tight enough. You can be confident it is if you leave the presents on your friend's front porch who lives in the ghetto that they will be picked up by a bunch of charity workers.
123	We Need a Plumber !	betty	Done	22	12/12/2014
With all the precautions in place, I threw caution to the wind and went for a spin in my Lamborghini Murcielago. sign because the fuzzy dize were blocking my view, and unfortunately the odor was overpowering.
122	Christmas Decorations	bonnie	Done	22	12/12/2014
Now I know my electric bill will go up!" I was kidding of course, but I knew now the county would surely waive the rule about no inflatables taller than 40 feet! Some people think they are dead!
121	I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!	betty	Done	21	11/28/2014
There's no time to climb down! Just jump! As soon as you get your balance, you can play Pac-Man with your feet ! Yes! It is possible and it will save your hands from getting that dreaded Ebola virus! Get away from me with those unwashed hands, those filthy clothes, those rock formations look suspicious."
120	The Great Beyond	xander	Done	21	9/21/2014
Soon afterwards, the mead hall exploded, fat orange cheese wheels spilling through the shattered wooden walls by the score. Sheogorath bellowed, solving the mystery of his dazzling appearance. Soon afterwards, the mead hall exploded, fat orange cheese wheels spilling through the shattered wooden walls by the score.
119	Summer	bonnie	Done	20	9/21/2014
Set up a giant lemonade stand right at the end of our driveway !! Not only would we sell lemonade, but we could also sell bags of ice. You know people really need those for seeing underwater.
118	Best Video Game of the Year !	betty	Done	22	8/15/2014
That would probably hurt. That would probably hurt. It hurt so much I had to get a carpal tunnel syndrome operation! And for 3 weeks I had to wear an Ace bandage on my damaged vertebrae, which were partially crushed in a parkour accident two years prior.
117	The best movie EVER!!!	colleen	Done	21	7/18/2014
SHUT THAT OFF!" I yelled. Then some other people also stood up, put their hands over their hearts, and with great gusto, they sang "
116	What I Saw When I Took A Walk II	greg	Done	23	5/28/2014
When I take walks it's usually for fitness purposes, so I'll take the same route. It's easier to keep track of distance that way. But this time I decided just to enjoy the moment.
115	You know...	bonnie	Done	23	11/10/2013
After that, all they could think about was getting to Pop's before it closed, so they could each buy a ticket to ride in the new roller coaster, "Maximus Vomitorium", designed by a team of students.
114	Whatever is on your mind !	betty	Done	24	10/27/2013
I was halfway through getting an upgrade for my level 1 Floor Sweeper. To get to level 2 he has to upgrade his shoes; one way to do this is to plod along methodically, but some people work better after they have cleansed their systems with special vegetarian drinks made with pureed kale.
113	Nursery Rhyme	greg	Done	22	10/24/2013
Soon everyone will be able to fetch a pail of water better than that clumsy doofus, Jack. They will no doubt go to the beach on the next sunny day and find oodles of candy to give to all the party guests!
112	Global Warming !	betty	Done	26	8/19/2013
This thing could wipe out a whole solar system. To ensure it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands, I wrapped it in brown paper, tied it up with twine, and hid it in the attic.
110	Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !	betty	Done	22	4/19/2013
Get organized! Go for gold! With a GQ (genetic quotient) this high, Jerome Morrow was never meant to be one step down on the podium.
109	Thanksgiving	bonnie	Done	19	12/19/2012
But that's okay, Christmas is just six days away!!" He replied, "It would cost a bazillion dollars to cater Thanksgiving dinner to the whole town! But that's okay, Christmas is just six days away!!"
108	I Blew Up My Lab!	greg	Done	21	10/26/2012
Or sarsaparilla. Grenadine! Straight from the can! Deee-licious! Now I am going to mix it all up in my new blender.
107	Christmas Shopping III	betty	Done	21	2/11/2012
I then went inside the Quicky-Mart and got some Pepsi, beef jerky, Andy Capps hot fries, and some curly ribbon fell behind the couch and got tangled with the golden tresses of Rapunzel, which she had cast out her tower window after he unwrapped the last present he put all the bows and wrapping paper into a large roomy cabin near the front of the plane.
106	Let's Organize Your Garage !	betty	Done	22	7/25/2011
Then put the egg cartons on top of the crates of rockets that we got from GI Joe's military surplus.
105	Christmas Shopping II	greg	Done	21	2/24/2011
"AAAAAHH!" the clerk exclaimed, " You are trying to pay me with counterfeit money!
103	Zombie Attack!	greg	Done	22	6/10/2010
I know! I will make a shield out of strips of flank steak. We'll marinate them in 4 ounces of gooey, green, groddy BRAINS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But by that point there must have been at least 1,000 zombies!
102	The Art of Decluttering	betty	Done	21	8/4/2009
The next thing to do would be have a fire sale! Anything that didn't get sold would become kindling for the bonfire that would be against my better judgment to put the white underwear into the same drawer as the colored butterflies streamed through the sewer line so fast that everyone thought, "
101	The hathood of the traveling brown hat.	rhonda	Done	21	3/20/2009
I'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory!" It was then we realized our next stop had to be a chinese restaurant. because big drops of sweat were pouring down my face. It was just so hot that I had to grab the hat and hurl it into a guy's open car window as I shot past him on the interstate.
100	The Nephews come to Visit	greg	Done	22	12/9/2008
We also went from level 1 to level the concrete slab so that the new gazebo would not be crooked. It was a backbreaking job, so we took a break so that we could go to Chuck E. Cheese and eat lots of crap pizza and drink cheap beer. After enough beer, even the crap pizza tasted like a chili cheese dog.
99	Laser Eye Surgery	greg	Done	20	10/3/2008
Better than perfect, in fact!" The doctor beamed and said "Your vision is 20 over 200 and you are definitely a candidate for surgery. First into each eye we will put some Vicodin in your hand. A couple of these and you won't feel a thing! I should know, I use them whenever I am doing brain surgery.
98	Abiathar the Superhero!	greg	Done	21	4/27/2007
Moments later, they came upon a wide, glistening puddle of goo. It looked like an experiment by Dr.
97	My New Video Game!	betty	Done	21	3/13/2007
That'd make a good name for a game: "Playstation Frustration"! In that game you'd start out in the sewers killing rats with your bare hands, then after reaching your first level, you would start hanging pictures, nice and straight.
96	Fixing up my Garden	greg	Done	22	1/29/2007
My chrysanthemums were only slightly singed. Relieved, I filled in the big hole dug by the groundhog, and on top of that dirt I put a big flat tire in the middle of the garden, because I didn't have anywhere else to put it. I then tried to decide what fertilizer to use. I had to choose between organic compost or that big bag of hot air, Joe Blow or Joe Schmoe or whatever his name is.
95	Rearranging My New Tech Room	betty	Done	22	1/31/2007
It was the worst jumble of all, so I hid under the table and waited patiently. Soon, too soon, I heard steps creeping up the stairs, and into my new tech room burst Martha Stewart!
94	Speeding Down the Highway	betty	Done	21	12/4/2006
Well you'll never know unless you try! So they fastened their seatbelts, turned to each other and grinned and then they gasped in shock at the number of bugs that had shuffled off this mortal coil on their teeth.
93	Having Surgery	greg	Done	20	12/1/2006
This bold statement caused a huge increase in his medical malpractice insurance premiums. He may have to terminate his membership at the country club. Or sell one of his beamers.
92	Accountant at Work	greg	Done	21	4/1/2006
Rogers, of Mr. Rogers Windows! "Hey folks! I'm Mr. Rogers of Mr. Rogers Windows! Did you know that poor-quality windows could cost you a bundle in heating bills? That's why I always read the Dilbert cartoon as soon as I get to work.
91	What I Saw When I Took a Walk	betty	Done	21	3/31/2006
I peeked around and suddenly saw that someone was peeking back at me! It was none other than Mr. T, leaning out the window of his 1982 GMC van, yelling, "Get out of the road, sucka!" I ran toward the van to try and get his autograph, but he growled, "I ain't got time for your jibba-jabba, fool!"
90	Learning a Foreign Language	greg	Done	22	2/4/2006
Shocked, he picked his beret out of the muddy gutter, shook it off and put it on his resume. This will surely impress them! They'll be so impressed they will spew! Just kidding, of course, but who knows, you may end up in Swaziland, in a dark jungle, surrounded by insipid but angry Frenchmen frothing epithets at us proudly patriotic Americans.
89	Putting out Christmas Lights	betty	Done	21	2/3/2006
He ran inside the house to call the electric company because the power seemed to be off.
88	Lazor Beam Hydra	greg	Done	22	12/16/2005
Confused, I said, " Please don't eat me! I promise to stay out of your way, and believe me, you'll never know that I used a degreazor! It looks brand new! It's so sparkly, it must be alive! I wondered what would happen if I touched it, so I did.
87	Concert at Chrysler Hall	betty	Done	21	12/14/2005
What fun it was to hobnob with all those blue bloods! The mayor was there, several state councilmen were there, we even saw George Allen, John Warner, and Harvey Morgan in the foyer, and they were having a heated discussion about which burned longer: a violin or a viola.
86	Touring Europe	bonnie	Done	21	12/13/2005
I realized that whichever one of us was driving would really have to pay attention, knowing that they were about to be invaded by Germany again! Already, I could hear the sound of heavy traffic.
85	Christmas Shopping	betty	Done	22	12/1/2005
I had entered my Visa number so many times, I got a rubber stamp instead. I first used it to wipe my nose. I needed no distractions ,I had to be totally focused because of the traffic snarls, the icy streets, and the crazy dudes out front with the pots and handbells.
84	Working at McDonald's	greg	Done	21	12/1/2005
It would seem that fast-food production was more streamlined and technology-driven than even Dilbert could ever imagine! The new kitchen at Mc Donald's could satisfy even a barnyard full of swine. That's why we never eat at McDonald's anymore!
83	Trip to the Pumpkin Patch	sherry	Done	22	11/7/2005
Everyone turned their attention to us and the farmer (who was very creative about recycling) used old tires to start a bonfire. Boy, it stank, but the flames reached to pick up a jar of homemade apple butter! I had to squint to read the obiturary, but I managed to make out "squished by a giant pumpkin"!
82	test2	greg	Done	24	9/16/2015
I might be spotted by the next agency of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. I stepped through the door and fell through a hole in the floor! I landed in a mud puddle. It brought back memories of days gone by, back when men were men and women were not to be trusted with power tools.
81	Going Into Space II	greg	Done	21	10/28/2005
The asteroid is too big. In less than one minute we would look out the window and see whether we can make the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs. It's very hard to do. But you would know that being the seasoned astronaut that you are.
80	Taking Computer Class	betty	Done	20	10/27/2005
What a easy test this was! I had learned this stuff in high school. I breezed through the first half, and then my heart sank as the teacher chided loudly, "NO, NO, NO...you're doing it wrong!" Well, let's just say I was completely mortified and felt a burning desire to shove the monitor off the table and just leave.
79	Cooking Show II	greg	Done	21	9/27/2005
We all know that sanitation is very low priority around here, which is why your show is on suspension!" exclaimed Kent. "You can't be serious! I know positively that these eggs are fresh!
78	Potty Training the Twins	betty	Done	21	9/24/2005
Next, I got the calendar and drew pictures of poop on every single day. You know pictures speak louder than words. Then when I was busy in the kitchen, the twins drew on the calendar too. They drew pictures of monsters that will scare the poop out of them!!!
77	Noisy Neighbors	bonnie	Done	21	9/23/2005
My workout was over, and now I could hear them again playing their awful rap music. Boy, do I hate it! Every time I hear it, I am ready to go up there and ask them if they could please take off their concrete shoes when they're walking around upstairs!
76	Driving Across Country	betty	Done	22	9/16/2005
Finally we were leaving the driveway! The car was packed to the gills with all sorts of gear for the trip: camera, food, maps, you name it. But I still had the feeling I wasn't in Kansas anymore...Maybe it was the mountains that painted the horizon or simply the fact that there wasn't a corn field in sight.
75	NASCAR Days	greg	Done	21	9/9/2005
If you blow a tire and hit the fence, you know what could happen: spontaneous decapitation. So it would be better to replace the little Honda engine that sounds like a lawnmower with a Chevy big block, which was just delivered by Jeff Gordon himself!
74	Conserving Water	bonnie	Done	22	9/9/2005
In fact, everything we bought cost a dollar! Then we realized we were in a progessive town because our hotel room had "hot water on demand": to conserve the water that normally runs down the sink while you're waiting for it to get hot, there were small water heaters installed right next to the toilet was a strange-looking water saving device.
73	The Best Diet Ever!	sherry	Done	21	8/31/2005
Could this be a misprint?!! Just to be sure I put my glasses on and then I could see my feet! "Hello, toes! Haven't seen you in so long!" Ha, Ha! This is great! Next thing you know, you will be skin and bones.
72	What a Yard Sale!	betty	Done	20	8/23/2005
You know the old joke. It rattles. There's a warning label. You give it to somebody, and when they open it, 20 bullfrogs will jump out! Won't they be surprised. But the really big surprise was that my daughter's decorated mud pies were selling like crazy!
71	Test Pilot	greg	Done	21	8/17/2005
And you know what that means! That means we will have to try to land at the closest airport we can find! Don't be alarmed at a change in plans, just make your face like flint, give it full throttle and close your eyes!
70	A Day in the Life of a Dork	sherry	Done	21	8/14/2005
Well, after hearing that, I was ready to sharpen all my pencils, and I discovered I need to go buy a new pocketsize spiral notebook and a black power cable. It would clash with the light-colored decor in his server room, but he didn't care--he was a dork. On the way out I could feel everyone's eyes on me, and I thought, "That's right ladies, you know you want a year's supply of ball point pens and above all a year's supply of comic books.
69	Time for a Checkup!	bonnie	Done	21	8/3/2005
I could not afford to have them do that diagnostic test, so I told him, "That's okay, I probably don't need both kidneys.
68	Building My New Cat Condo	betty	Done	21	7/10/2005
They will just love all the neat ideas I have come up with for their entertainment. For example, on the second level there will be a round hole, facing a raging fireplace. Maybe it was a bad idea to build the cat condo prototype out of styrofoam. Because seconds later, all the cats were fast asleep!
67	Putting Up Wallpaper	greg	Done	21	6/12/2005
I started to wonder if licking the backing was really the correct way to do this. I was going to need a lot more spit to get this job done. As I prepared the next strip, I suddenly has the urge to pee.
66	My Newest Home Improvement Project!	betty	Done	20	5/17/2005
I just stood there for a second because I was so amazed that a ruptured gas line could shoot flames that high! It must have been 30 feet into the air. We were all standing around when the septic tank pumper truck pulled up.
65	Phone Call	bonnie	Done	21	5/9/2005
Her favorite thing to talk about is how she's going to marry that new recruit that she met from talking to on the phone, if they survive the latest mission, that is."
64	Airline Pilot	greg	Done	21	4/23/2005
It's important for you to remember that each passenger stepped carefully over the puddles of puke and gladly walked down the metal stairway into the fresh air of Tarmac City, U.S.A.
63	I'm Not In It For The...	bonnie	Done	21	4/6/2005
Start wiping with this ring, I thee wed." And as the crowd watched breathlessly, she flicked her hair back, licked the lipstick off her teeth and proceeded to raise her middle finger for all to see and said, "If it weren't for me, I wouldn't be where I am today."
62	Hosting a Cooking Show	betty	Done	21	4/12/2005
That helps takes the edge off when you get too stressed. Got your expensive Ginsu knives?? Great. Take them out and smile with satisfaction at that golden-brown glazed finish! Next, add 12 ounces of diced beef. For this I prefer to use a non-stick pan, as opposed to a stick pan. I'll hold these two examples up so you can see the difference.
61	Ain't It Cool?	greg	Done	22	4/7/2005
It is just gross to think about: Imagine those slimy, writhing creatures on a plate of lead-free pewter. We're going for a minimalist look here: clean lines, neutral colors.
60	Competing with Starbuck's	bonnie	Done	21	4/2/2005
So here's the plan: Rent a storefront, buy some coffee beans, and to grind them, buy a big muffin. The bigger the better.
59	My First Ocean Cruise	betty	Done	21	3/28/2005
I flew to Miami and boarded the beautiful liner with all the other baggage, getting stowed in the hold. The weather was balmy and perfect. It seemed a good time to take a walk around the deck and breathe in a lot of fresh fish! "That's amazing!"
58	Captain Underpants	greg	Done	21	3/23/2005
The wrecked semi was blocking traffic. "Quick! You stop traffic while I wash this man's windshield! He will surely reward me with a big wad of toilet paper stuck in my butt, I look just like a bunny rabbit! Hop, hop, hop!" He giggled, as he flushed my goldfish down the toilet.
57	New Year's Resolutions!	bonnie	Done	21	3/18/2005
That's right, this is the perfect time to go on a diet and find a new recipe for low fat, low cholesterol, high protein baked bars of coconut, nuts, chocolate and condensed milk. I gave them to Xander and Ethan to throw away. They enthusiastically ran outside and threw them into the washing machine!
56	Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon	betty	Done	21	3/13/2005
All part of a balanced beam that came crashing through the front door. Lieutenant Leotard and his gymnastic Cadre of Doom were attacking the Mars Landing Base. Bam! Bam! The rockets landed with a great sound like a car crash!
55	Spy Base Alpha	greg	Done	21	3/8/2005
To prevent absolutely any mistake, we chose to consult Mr. Fantastic, AKA Dr. Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four. He said to watch out for Doctor Doom! His latest information reported that there was a severe shortage of toilet paper. Now what?
54	Texas Winter	bonnie	Done	20	3/3/2005
Why they were huge! They were as big as beanbag chairs! The kids were having a lot of fun batting them back and forth, but finally I had to call out to them, "Hey!
53	Christmas Shopping - 2004	betty	Done	20	2/26/2005
Paper, ribbons, tape were flying everywhere. It was pandemonium. We knew we had to max out our credit cards immediately.
52	Modeling Agency	greg	Done	21	2/21/2005
as, in shadow, they moved, tall and willowy through the revolving door, but they lacked the coordination to get out!
51	All I Need Is...	bonnie	Done	21	2/16/2005
To help me I think I'll ask the bartender. "What do you recommend?" He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment before stomping on the gas pedal and screaming out of the parking lot like a bat out of H-E-double hockey sticks.
50	My Summer at the Archeological Dig	betty	Done	21	2/11/2005
Rare artifacts can fetch a healthy price on the black market, just like scarred old remnants of ancient civilizations.
49	Shopping at Lowe's	greg	Done	20	2/6/2005
With that, I checked that no one was looking and threw my M&M's wrapper into the display toilet.
48	Anorexia Therapy	bonnie	Done	21	2/1/2005
Eat quickly, and that saltine cracker will be gone before you know it. Now you may eat one Goldfish cracker. Next, eat some ice cream. This should remind you of the pleasure of eating.
47	Building My New House!	betty	Done	23	1/27/2005
and this time, do it right. "You haven't even seen the rooftop gardens yet!" and this time, do it right. She shrieked. "You haven't even seen the rooftop gardens yet!" and this time, do it right. "What idiot did this?" She shrieked. "You haven't even seen the rooftop gardens yet!" and this time, do it right.
46	Ultimate Ninja II	greg	Done	21	1/22/2005
Truly, the purpose of the NINJA is to FLIP OUT and kill people! I was terrified! I screamed out for several long minutes, the elation of victory like electricity shooting through my body. Truly, the purpose of the NINJA is to FLIP OUT and kill people!
45	Election Day!	betty	Done	21	1/17/2005
It was sad, in a way, since everyone knew that chewing gum really does stick to the bottoms of desks and stays there forever.
44	A Day in the Life of...	bonnie	Done	20	1/12/2005
SUGAR! Right there next to the hill! We couldn't believe it! Such a concentration of food in such close proximity! Immediately we set to bringing it into the nest. Delirious with joy, I lept aboard the ship that would take me home.
43	High School Carwash	greg	Done	20	1/7/2005
We looked at him like we was nuts. We took it and squeezed it as hard as we could.
42	Pushed Over the Edge	bonnie	Done	21	1/2/2005
Something had to be done! The doctor quickly cleaned the nostrils and inserted a peanut-butter sandwich into the VCR.
41	Cleaning Out the Garage	betty	Done	21	12/28/2004
Argh! I cannot take this any longer! So I grabbed the can of gasoline, pulled out a book of matches, and debated whether to vote for George Bush or John Kerry. she said, "You can take that and stick it where's there no tomorrow! Yeah, and there's no beans about it. That stuff has no life left.
40	HULK SMASH!	greg	Done	20	12/23/2004
People across the street turned to look and gasped because streams of green sludge were rushing down the gutters and into the subway tunnel. "We should be safe here!" I whispered.
39	Joining the PTA	bonnie	Done	20	12/18/2004
Entering my study, I admired anew this soothing room. It was easy to relax in here. The smooth, dark polished wood, rich carpeting and drapes, and extensive collection of leather-bound books always served to calm my racing mind. But today my concerns would not so easily be laid to rest.
38	Going to the County Fair	betty	Done	20	12/13/2004
He started to spin drunkenly, crying "My head! but we grabbed him and wanted to turn him inside out, if you know what I mean. But we controlled ourselves and decided to give him the riot act.
37	News at 11	greg	Done	20	12/8/2004
They worked around the clock sweeping all the flood waters out of the newsroom.
36	Investigating Vegetarianism	bonnie	Done	21	12/3/2004
I'd heard about people who were vegetarians, and the various flavors thereof, and was interested to find out more so whenever I became acquainted with one, I would ask for a cheeseburger, hold the meat! Then they would look at me as if they should treat me with pity and gentleness, like one of the dumb animals they're trying to save.
35	Boppy's Trip to Texas	betty	Done	21	11/28/2004
With that, I began devouring the comestibles with great vigor. "Gross is right, if you're going to put salsa on your breakfast burrito, the eggs should not be runny! Don't eat that, instead, try my 16-ounce prime rib! I'm not going to eat it anyway; I just want a salad."
34	Dance Class	bonnie	Done	21	11/23/2004
"How beautiful are the deep pools of blue that are your eyes. I lose myself into their depths; I am drowning in your face, that's where I'm putting this custard pie." (SPLAT!) The class all laughed, because they knew she was just not the type. Their only recourse was to join the Army.
33	The Minotaur King	greg	Done	21	11/18/2004
To remedy that Ben-Gay is good. Otherwise you can also rub on some invisibility potion. Then we could more safely find our way there. So many dangers beset us, we scarcely conceived of ever making it through the maze alive. Giant scorpions, venomous snakes and worse hounded our every step.
32	The Bizarre Bazaar	bonnie	Done	20	11/13/2004
With that, he picked up a huge axe and smashed it into the table! "You overcharged me for that GI Joe figure! Now, YOU'RE gonna pay!" I quickly moved aside just in time to avoid being trampled by the thundering hooves.
31	My Trip Around the World	betty	Done	21	11/8/2004
I really don't recommend eating that! You know what it will do to you.
30	Downtown Precinct	greg	Done	22	11/3/2004
I knew I had to be careful not to talk too much, or I would blow my cover. I really needed a better disguise. Maybe a beard and a mustache would help, and some big horned rim glasses.
29	Growing Up on a Farm	betty	Done	21	10/29/2004
Clearly the stress of the situation was getting to everyone, but the bickering stopped when we heard a loud explosion coming from the outhouse. Then we realized it was just Sid fartin'. He does that whenever the pigs and hogs won't share their slop. What a mess they make!
28	The Dinosaur World	bonnie	Done	21	10/24/2004
We quickly crawled to the police station and cried for help. It was deserted, but we found some newly laid dinosaur eggs. They were huge. Ethan wanted to make scrambled eggs with them, but Xander yelled "NO! If we do that we might not survive the night!
27	Gardening with Betty	greg	Done	20	10/19/2004
Hello, and welcome to Gardening with Betty! I'm your host, Betty! Today we're going to look at these ivys. We have English, Boston, variegated; why we even have poison oak and poison ivy! Now you must beware of the last two because they are poisonous.
26	On the Open Road	bonnie	Done	21	10/14/2004
Everyone loved it. "Do it again! Do it again!" They chanted, pounding their feet in rhythm. "Oh, Kayyy..." I said, and I turned around to go again. There is nothing that is more fun than going down hill in a red wagon.
25	The International Village	bonnie	Done	21	10/9/2004
You need to figure out the answer yourself; so go to the library, and look for a book about Sun Tzu, author of The Art of War.
24	Weekend in Paris	greg	Done	21	10/4/2004
We hadn't been to a museum yet so we jumped up and headed for the closest Starbucks. "Boy, these things are everywhere!" I agreed, "Lucky for us...I can't believe I slept till noon and I'm STILL tired! I need a cappucino to wake up!"
23	Xander Goes Shopping	betty	Done	22	9/29/2004
"But you don't have enough money to pay for that Spiderman suit and mask. Look in your other pockets and see if you can find any more Barbie dolls for Haley so she can play dolls with her sister and also with her cousin, Ethan."
22	Fart Dictionary	bonnie	Done	21	9/24/2004
One can only hope that one is alone if this happens. If others are present, your only hope is to fart again, only this time fart harder, and hopefully it'll be toxic enough to kill any witnesses. The fact is I cannot believe Bonnie started this story! But be that as it may, I will help continue it: And the second fact is that when I was growing up we did not call them farts.
21	Boot Camp	greg	Done	21	9/19/2004
I don't wanna got to Iraq! I'm scared!" the Sarge growled, "You're goin'! So pull yourself together and straighten up that posture, soldier! We want you to stand tall and proud. Remember you are representing the United States of America, the most powerful country in the world!
20	Good Old Pop's Drive-in	betty	Done	21	9/14/2004
Aim it that way!" Quickly, I retrieved the wiggling hose and finished cleaning up. Nervously, I looked up at him to see the whole congregation of Lighthouse Worship Center walk through the door right behind him. Whoa Nellie! The kitchen staff were in for some major shipments of hamburgers.
19	Going Back to College	betty	Done	21	9/9/2004
They never got a chance to air out just like old movie houses emptying out one sweaty audience only to open their doors to another hallway, to allow the breeze to blow through.
18	If You Give a Mouse a Cookie	bonnie	Done	21	9/4/2004
Dad said, "There's enough borax here to kill an elephant, or at least a raisin or a chocolate chip. But there was no food left to be found, not even a bagel crumb, or a mashed pea, not even an infinitesimal speck of dust on my floors!"
17	Our Summer Vacation	betty	Done	21	8/30/2004
That explained the pleasant, Southern-style, down home-cooking smell! he said, "I gotta get tickets for my next vacation. This one has been a blast! We have had so much fun that I know next summer will be even better. I just must remember next time to bring more Immodium A-D.
16	Trapped in a Mine	greg	Done	21	8/25/2004
In case it rains. And that's ALL I NEED! And this chair. And that's ALL I NEED. And this dead battery. And this rock. And this lawn chair. And that's ALL I NEED!" People began to stare at him because he had a pale green luminescence about him. He looked down at his hands. Green! What had happened?!
14	Our Visit to the Library	bonnie	Done	21	8/15/2004
But the weather report was not so good, so when they looked up into the sky they saw not only the police helicopters arriving in the distance as reinforcements, but also the vultures had already started circling.
13	Stress Reduction Techniques	bonnie	Done	23	8/10/2004
screamed Bonnie, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MEDITATE WHEN YOU KEEP TALKING TO ME???!! Would you please go twiddle your thumbs while I take care of MY important business! You are so getting on my nerves! I think you should focus on your breathing. That is an excellent way to direct energy.
12	My New Job at Burger King	betty	Done	20	8/5/2004
he said, "my boil just erupted!" The customer gawked and said, "You expect me to eat this crap?!! It stinks, it's dripping with grease, and it makes me want to take a dump in every last car you got.
11	Cooking with Grandma	betty	Done	22	7/31/2004
When they are all finished, you place them carefully on a doily and garnish them with breath-freshening parsley. Parsley isn't given nearly enough press for its natural, chemical-free breath-freshening qualities. Just be sure to brush your teeth after, though, the dark green bits between her teeth showed up in the camera shot.
10	Ultimate Ninja	greg	Done	22	7/26/2004
And that motto was " Dance like no one's watching!" "I don't care what anyone thinks , real ultimate power will soon be MINE!!!"
8	Wall Street Blues	greg	Done	22	7/16/2004
correction centers where every day he would get to watch TV, exercise, and eat three prison meals a day. Sometimes he would laugh, thinking how now the Betty Mafia could never get him. Ever.
7	Going into Space	betty	Done	21	7/11/2004
the officer replied, "It's the illegal immigrants, the aliens, we give them to. They bathe in artificial dihydrogen monoxide which was produced in a laboratory manned by hyper-intelligent mice.
5	Ye Olde Medieval Days	betty	Done	21	7/1/2004
"So," Count Muenster declared, "We have thee to thank for these delightful victuals." "Yes!" The Earl replied with a bow, "And I named the cheese after thee, milord."
4	Barrister the Lawyer Cat	betty	Done	21	6/26/2004
So she put down her pencil and went to hell in a handbasket.
3	The Big Conundrum	betty	Done	21	6/21/2004
After the rap was over, Greg stood up and shouted, "There will be no discussion!" Invigored with his courage, again he shouted, " and pounded his shoe on the table for effect. Unfortunately, the force of it caused an explosion of monumental proportions!
2	Woo baby!	greg	Done	21	6/16/2004
He didn't want to be so anal-retentive, so he stopped himself from measuring his head to make sure the part was exactly in the middle. But then all day long he could not take his mind off this difficult problem. What a challenge! There just had to be a way to satisfy all the parties involved.
1	Big Computer	greg	Done	18	6/11/2004
They would never be poor again! And the first thing they decided to buy was a life insurance policy, because they knew they would not live forever. In fact, the time was coming when all the Democrats would finally admit defeat and just fade away.