Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022     which reminds me I haven't eaten a meal yet today. Hmmm... I think I would like some more lilacs, because they smell so good. I can plant them one by one all lining the sidewalk. When they bloom they will look as if they are marching, and when the neighbors see them, they will exclaim, " 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021     We had a big job ahead of us: figuring out how to get in a vehicle fast enough to outrun the sun as it moved from east to west. Turns out it has to be going 1,000 miles an hour, so obviously a car was out. 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021     You can set it right next to this bigger can of Whoop-Ass!" Some distance away, a browsing elk suddenly lifted his head. 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020     The pilot banked to avoid it but it seemed to swoop toward us, and in moments were were engulfed in the savory smells of Christmas dinner cooking! Happy and relieved, we smiled and stepped through the revolving door only to be snagged into a continual rotation! 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020      So, as for sides, we wanted Greg's famous Sweet Potato Casserole, Bonnie's famous Homemade Stuffing, and most of all, Xander's famous bread! 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019     Scram." The old ladies chuckled, ash sprinkling from the tips of their cigars. It is difficult to imagine that a gathering of seated elderly ladies could be intimidating, but their deadly stares and seasoned hands put my blood on ice. Their leader placed a salmon-pink square of floral embroidery on the table, her nails clacking the hard surface like the snap of a rib. 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019      Yes! Believe it or not, there I was sitting on the brick patio unwrapping 20 old hard candies I found in the garage and scooping them out of the wrappers because they were soft...yuk, but I wanted the ants to have a big treat. LaLaLeiya was watching me wondering... 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019      Crouching down to drink, they discovered that the radiation coming from the ocean was off the charts. Something massive and unprecedented was stirring beneath the surface, and it was probably angry. It was impossible to deny: Sweet dreams are made of cheese / Who am I to dis a brie? 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019      What a vacation they both were having and all thanks to me and my organizational skills! 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019      My grandfather used to stand in the doorway and watch them as he listened to the roar of the crowd and the empassioned shouting of the MC as the local wrestling favorite, "Thunderstorms", vaulted into the ring. 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019      I will just go buy some new paper at the local Christmas wrap store. They had every kind you could think of, but I was really drawn to the sparkly tissue wrapping paper! That and the snowflake ribbons reminded me of when I met the real Santa years ago. For the most part he was everything I'd expected and hoped: rosy cheeks, big exuberant belly laughs, and a warm and compassionate spirit, but what most people don't know is that he is an undercover agent with MI-6! 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018     he cried as his bounced off, to no effect. she said. "That's not a walnut! It's a long way from here, so we'd better get started!" With that, everyone looked around to be sure nobody was watching when they dumped their camping garbage into the fast flowing river. 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018     Night was falling, so in the morning they would check the weather report and then decide how to split up the gold. It was probably fair to divide it evenly amongst the group, but Greg is definitely the strongest and would probably contribute more to global warming or maybe even global cooling. 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018     NOT THOSE!!" Exasperated, I loaded my shotgun. No more screwing around. Sometimes, only brute force can solve a problem. Locked and loaded, I peeked out the cat door to see what all the commotion was about.... Sure enough, there was a bunch of money in there! 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018      But first, all I need for preparation is clean fingernails and a big smile. All the customers will surely think I am a real man because I could handle sweeping the parking lot in the midday sun! 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018     so there was only one solution for that = a heaping helping of whoopass. Sure enough, out the viewport, I saw a giant squid! so there was only one solution for that = a heaping helping of whoopass. I said, "Nothing can grow in space, it's completely inhospitable!" 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018     I thought. "They're designed to be mousetraps, and are cute and fuzzy too." I scooped him up and went through a massive stone archway, imposing and mystical. 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017     So a crew of many students vigorously applied their muscle power and with great success, they snapped the toothpick in half. The table full of jocks nearby were laughing their heads off, but little did they know what was lurking behind the door of the Chemistry Lab... 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017     The sneaky bastards tried to sting us but we were too smart for them.Once we had about 50 of them, we were ready to proceed. With great flourish, we took the bowls and put them under the dogs' noses and they went to town! 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017     And so I wake in the morning and I step outside just to get a breath of fresh, crisp, cold air, but what do I get?!! I get instead a blast of the past. It's 80s music everywhere! It reminds of all the times that I ever wanted more in my whole life. Surely someone would figure out that what I really wanted was a simple joy. 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017     I am sure Donald Trump himself would order at least five! Then arrange them attractively around the orange pools of grease that the pepperoni left behind. Or, you could try sopping up the grease with handfuls of brand new copper pennies! How pretty! 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016     but then I realized he was listening to praise music on his earbuds and singing along. 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016     It was from the party last night! Everyone drank too much, and everyone will clap and cheer when they see it! 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016     Late into the night, the whole hall could the CLANG CLANG CLANG, the sound of rat-a-tat-tat, rat-a-tat-tat. Where was that coming from? !!Xander opened his closet door and found 4 little flowerpots! Choosing his favorite one, he popped it into the microwave for 3 minutes, and when he took it out, it looked like a true man cave! 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016     I hid behind the shrubs and biting my nails, waited for the manicurist to arrive. When she did, she immediately saw what I had been doing, and exclaimed, "These nails look like they've been through a shredder! 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016     I sat down with my neighbor Jed to shoot the breeze and chew tobacky, and I told him that people around here would know what he's talking about. They have always known about what pesticides were too dangerous to use. For instance you would never use DDT in combination with crystals of methamphetamine! 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016     So I went shopping and bought 5 boxes of dye. The 5 colors I picked were black, navy blue, charcoal gray, gray, and maroon. 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016      He's a gigantic snowman reclining in a lawn chair. Is that cool or not? Glo-Quips sent a photographer and when he came by, he shoveled the sidewalk in front of their french doors, even though everybody knows they never salt the roads anymore because the salt rusts out the undercarriage of the metal railing. 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     It had disappeared ! Maybe we should look for it in the shoe store! I know there are tons of photos to go through and sort. We should put the ones of Xander and Ethan in a special embossed hankerchief. It had the monogram "A", which I thought stood for "Ackerson", but it actually was 4 hours before we finally got out of Costco ! 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      I gingerly circumnavigated the sharp rocks and came upon an enormous double cheeseburger. 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016      I resolve to refrain from eating bowl after bowl of baked beans. I then went to library, found the most crowded reading room, and proceeded to bolster my confidence by encouraging myself under my breath. "You can do it," I said, with enthusiasm, " 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015      The only one who delivers more Christmas presents than UPS! But you know he needs all the help he can get, and you can help by registering all your information on the website, so every time from then on you won't have to type in your office on your clicky-clacky IBM keyboard from 1981. 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015     Drivers yelling, managers yelling, the crowd yelling, everywhere there was space to put a composter! Decisions, decisions. Where would be the perfect place to put this bowl of fresh tomatoes grown with my wonderful compost? I think I will put it on the level ground. 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015      It's okay, though, they'll clean up the spill on aisle 4. Here comes the guy with the mop now ! He agilely bent over and handed a bouquet of flowers to a little girl. 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015      So take a deep breath and enjoy the wonderful fall smell of burning leaves and the aromatic essence of powdered Dramamine, which helped keep my lunch down as the plane bounced and quivered its way to jump altitude. 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015      Considering all the work that had gone into it, everyone was really surprised that Aussie rock had made it into the mainstream in the States. Slatherage was one tiny part of that process, on an album from a band that's now largely forgotten. The General gave the latest Newsboys album on Spotify a fair go and listened wistfully for several minutes before mumbling, "They don't sound Aussie at all. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015      Greg started the seedlings from vintage seeds nestled in a tray of fortified walls to keep out the zombies! And giant spikes made out of wood logs! 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     Freshly cooked potatoes, chopped onions, pickle relish, and I stirred it all up with 3 big dollops of sour cream. Add to that some bacon bits, green onions, and some shredded cheese, now you've got the perfect Greg Pizza. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015     too smart for me" !! I just gave up and started playing Soda Crush. A relaxing game that makes me feel insecure. The only thing that could settle my nerves now would be if I could take some time to remove all the apps I don't like. 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     Panicking, I slept. Zzzzzzz Garfield was asleep again. Odie was just staring at him and then he decided to wash & polish his motorcycle and get it all ready to take to Texas ! 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015      Ethan will be glad to help you if you find your wallet is straining to hold all that money. First, we'll go out to lunch. Then we'll get a new phone. Then we'll get a PS4. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     That was the last straw! I needed to go to the store to buy more straws to build my custom-crafted trellis. Grabbing my car keys, I hurried up to Lowe's to buy some mulch. It was on sale !!When I checked out I had bought so many bags, the total number came to 21. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015      I need to make special cupcakes for a coworker's birthday. So, I decided to use paper liners this time, because the last time I didn't, and add any baking powder, so when I took them out of the oven, they looked like they would be delicious! So I got all the ingredients out of the cabinet and promptly swirled the pink icing all over the tops. 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     You will see gigantic rocks like you have never seen before! I nudged up against one, and it started to move toward a shady spot under a rock. There, under a little tree, we saw all colors of lichens growing on the bald rock. When I touched one, it felt rough. 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015     It was so hot! It made me want to go to San Antonio, Texas to visit Bonnie, Chad, Xander, Ethan, and their dog named all the cats in the neighborhood: "Stinky", "Spazzy", "Sissy McWeepington", "Sir Pukesalot", etc. It was obvious the dog was no fan of the cats! 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015      I could use a pepper-upper! Maybe there is something in the staff refrigerator I could sample.... 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     I could drink a giant mug of that! And right on top I would squirt a big dollop of mayonnaise. It's good for you! It's Regular Ordinary Swedish meal time flies when you're having fun! Or as the famous Latin phrase puts it: " Carpe Noctem !" So we worked through the night putting the final touches on the family portrait. 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     So what do you want? Do you want to take a trip to some exotic tropical island. Hmmm I think this destination would be a good choice: the unemployment line! 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014     I looked around for help, and there, just out of reach, was just what I needed: more Scotch tape! I looked in the different drawers to find some and in my search I found ten bottles of beer on the wall, ten bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around and around until it's good and tight. 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014     Oh well, more brownies for us. He went into anaphylactic shock and died. Oh well, more brownies for us. But the plumber was allergic to walnuts! 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014      My favorite part about Christmas decorations is how the lights cheer up the dark winter nights. You'll be driving along and see millions of lights! They must be coming from Harbor Hills Drive! 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     Indeed, upon further observation, my screen was all smeared so I read up on the internet how to clean it, and it said to spray it with glow-in-the-dark paint. I can see how that would help, considering I had lost my contact lenses. 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014     So to be truly safe, they would need to suit up in 30 seconds or less! In a situation like that, nobody but nobody wants their oxygen tank to run out! 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     This spa was my favorite. It boasted a supersize Beefsteak tomato that must have weighed 10 pounds each. "How could you think we would need this much sun tan lotion?!! We have only so many square inches of skin! Plus during the heat of the day we will be under the gun to finish all fun and games we'd been planning on having a big family picnic; so we called everyone and asked them each to bring a basket of posies, so we could dance around them and sing morbid songs about the bubonic plague. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014     They were next to the Cheetos, Slim Jims, Twizzlers, and a box of Poop. I wondered how it had gotten in there. How it had gotten in there. Poop. I wondered how it had gotten in there. How it had gotten in there I'll never know. Anyone with half a brain should know better than to listen to loud rap music while playing such an intense video game! 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     SHUT THAT OFF!" I yelled. Then some other people also stood up, put their hands over their hearts, and with great gusto, they sang " Should old acquaintance[s] be forgot, and never brought to mind, then I'll never see you again, and that suits me just fine." "HEY!! SHUT THAT OFF!" I yelled. Then some other people also stood up, put their hands over their hearts, and with great gusto, they sang " 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     As I broke into a jog, I peered down into the muddy puddle and spied something moving! It looked like a convoy of Army vehicles. Humvees, trucks, tanks on trailers, and even a snail could have gone around the block faster than that turtle which was stampeding through peanut butter. 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013     It smells like victory and then, when you least expect to find roly poly bugs in the flower pots. One must get rid of them by voting for the Republican candidate! 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     Do not try to eat beans that have not been cooked long enough.. They may cause a tremendous amount of gas and you will feel quite light-headed. The remedy for that is to be totally relaxed, have warm socks on your feet, and be ready to tackle the quarterback! 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     It now read, "I (fill in your name) will not directly or indirectly engage in any business that competes with the cupboard of Old Mother Hubbard." So many kids, what else could she do? She went to the cobbler and moved into a pie full of four-and-twenty blackbirds. All I can say is, I don't know what someone plans to do with all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't fall asleep. 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     The odor was horrific, so bad in fact that they turned up the thermostat. she whined as she tugged her jacket tigher around herself. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     I could smell what could only be described as vast quantities of Mexican food nearby. My mouth began to water and I ran for the ramp for the plane, but just as I reached it, they started pulling up the stairs, and then I loudly screamed, " 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     I didn't have time now to baste the turkey. Drat! I just turned it over and dabbed on plenty of makeup before leaving the house. "You look like a street walker!" I exclaimed. "You go to Dollar General to find a knife sharpener but instead you come home with a large group of hungry friends and acquaintances! 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     As I sat in the middle of the smouldering wreckage of my lab, I wept quietly to myself for a long, long time. I couldn't make out the rest of the ad because tears had already begun to dissolve the ink, which ran like charcoal wisps of liquidated dreams down the face of the page. 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012     I then went inside the Quicky-Mart and got some Pepsi, beef jerky, Andy Capps hot fries, and some curly ribbon fell behind the couch and got tangled with the golden tresses of Rapunzel, which she had cast out her tower window after he unwrapped the last present he put all the bows and wrapping paper into a large roomy cabin near the front of the plane. 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     Now also watch out for jugs of dirty car oil, because if you were to accidentally kick one over, your foot would probably end up kicking the butt of somebody who just wandered into your garage and started messing everything up. 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011     It covered the entire front of the store!! I'd never seen anything like it. It was so big that there was no way I could fit it into my shopping bag, so to carry it in I found an empty wastebasket. 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     Get out! who had just walked in with a tray of hot biscuits. she exclaimed, "I don't want any goopie stuff flying into my face! 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     For sure she wanted to get rid of the banana peels and apple cores strewn across the kitchen floor and all over Ethan's dresser. So then we started to use the snow shovel to pick up all the piles of fly poop FlyLady was leaving everywhere. 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009     That way they would never suspect that the next place I put the hat would be like crushing prunes into stewed okra. Things would really move along then! Why you might not even have time to check under the car, behind the seats, and in the glovebox. Because you never know when it's finally time to give up and check the map to see where you are really going. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008      Well we finally got it all settled and the choice was Swirled Tempest of Flaming Death, the trademark attack of the zombie ninjas of Mars. In retaliation we created even more heroes to fight in Paragon City! 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008     Boy are you in luck! Just today we got a whole shipment of dynamic proportions." Later the doctor decided to play some soothing music for his patients. i 2 Eye", by Michael W. Smith. Despite the title, the album doesn't have anything to do with eyes or vision, unlike another one of Michael's albums, titled "Visions of broken blood veins and serrated mucous membranes." 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007      Moments later, they came upon a wide, glistening puddle of goo. It looked like an experiment by Dr. Vahzilok, or maybe the Council's attempts to try jumping over tall buildings was exceedingly successful, plus those mean old Outcasts failed to stop the arch-villain before his master plan was unveiled! 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007     I knew I had to think fast. ready! Let the battle begin! The music started, and then slowly emerging onto the screen was a giant box! I knew it was full of video games which I had ordered. 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007     It had been neglected for far too long and as I rolled up my sleeves, I resolved to do something about it! It was just past the crack of dawn when I noticed a bunch of slimy slugs eating away at my petunias. So I poured on them some high powered weed killer. 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007      They would love this pretty new space complete with not one but two cores per CPU, giving it inherent multiprocessing power. Not only would games run faster, but I could never banish the cats from the tech room even though they often wreak havoc with the local radio stations. 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006     It moves through air like a hot knife through butter. Like a tax hike in a Democrat controlled Congress." I didn't want to argue, so I pretended to be listening to Bill O'Reilly on the radio. 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006     They were everywhere! had to write out a final will and testament. He gravely wrote, "I, being of sound mind and body, do hereby express my wishes in this last will and testament." He paused, and then continued: " I want every intern to pay attention here. 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     Why would we have office supplies from the Dollar Store, when we already have a contract with a hoity-toity supplier? well! I couldn't believe my eyes...it was a stack of money from the IRS, because I had overpaid my taxes not just last year, but the past four years as well! 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006     They wouldn't see me here. I peeked around and suddenly saw that someone was peeking back at me! It was none other than Mr. 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006      And et, und, et cetera. I was tired of all this foreign stuff. I was ready for some authentic foreign cuisine to help get me in the mood for more lingo. So we got cream pies in the face from those angry Frenchmen. Then we retaliated with a barrage of German invective. we snarled informally. 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006      We were so happy to get the job finally finished, that we proclaimed a toast to be buttered and jammed in her honor. 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005      In fact, it actually smelled like fertilizor! Confused, I said, " Please don't eat me! I promise to stay out of your way, and believe me, you'll never know that I used a degreazor! It looks brand new! It's so sparkly, it must be alive! 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005     That restless sound soon reached the top balcony, where our VIP seats were. We could see the entire auditorium from here, as well as mink coats, diamond tiaras, and fancy tuxedos trimmed with mistletoe and holly. 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005     Where is the bathroom? Cuz I really gotta go." But to my surprise, he snapped the cork out of the bottle of champagne out poured it on my pancakes. Famished, I dug in with reckless abandon. For dessert I asked for English Trifle, a scrumptuous dessert of whipped cream, fresh fruit, and sponge cake soaked with nervous sweat. 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005      He stomped his feet and then he yelled, " God bless us, every one!" 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005     "Those are out of circulation!" Bill exclaimed. the customer replied smugly. "It's legal tender. See? It says right here: "This product may contain peanuts and for those persons with allergies, it may cause severe difficulty in operating a vehicle or other heavy equipment!" 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005     Soon they were all covered with red raspberry juice. When the first group saw them, they gasped "What big pumpkins!" They must weigh at least 100 pounds! We could only use them for smashing into peoples' front doors when they had sucky Halloween candy. Why, just last year, we brought home enough pumpkins to make lots of pies. 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015     Because clothes make the man. That's why I wear dorky clothes and spike my hair with glittery gel. Who knows? I might be spotted by the next agency of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005     Because you don't want to get scurvy when you're halfway to getting your Junior Astronaut degree! Now all you need to do is finish these cheetos while making some last minute calculations to ensure our safe arrival back to earth. One never knows what will happen if you transpose the warp stream with the antimatter containment field, you will surely lose your breakfast in a hurry, unless you made sure first that you fasten your helmet securely, fasten your oxygen hose, and secure you must be, and I the all-wise one, tell you I will, that you really had better know what you're doing by now! 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005      NO! And if someone did, he would probably use DOS! Or Windows 3.1!! Ha ha ha!" We all had a big laugh. 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     Today's show is brought to you by Squeesitout Pimple Cream! Make sure all your teenagers have a good supply, and are wearing this new hairnet. We all know that sanitation is very low priority around here, which is why your show is on suspension!" 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005     We put them in the bathtub because it's just easier to wipe two bottoms at the same time. To do this, you just need a lot of patience. One day at a time, we worked at moving the vast quantities of toddler turds out of the house. 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005      They won't lay eggs with all this noise! When I go out to check the nests I might be surprised to find my neighbors have switched from listening to rap music to classic. The scintillating tones of Mozart, Bach, and Beethoven drifted with all their smokey offensive odor toward my patio! 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005     That reminded me of when we went camping and we pitched the tent on the side of a hill: When it rained we started sliding down the hill and we landed in a cow patty. Squish. We immediately had a flat tire! And I know it was because we ran over a speed bump that was so big, the front end of the car shot into the air! 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005     There is no A/C in a race car, and it gets pretty darn hot in the cabin. The vest, of course, is for protection. That way, in case you roll over you will always land right side up again, which is why you must always make sure your safety harness is correctly fastened. 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005     In fact it cost a dollar. The cigarette lighter cost a dollar. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005     Awesome! But there's one thing that would better than that, and that's when you'll start to notice the fat just melting off! And when you look into the mirror, you will be surprised to see a box of doughnuts on the counter! It's your reward for your great progress. Now go ahead and make my day! 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005      It really worked, because when we woke up and looked out the window, we saw at least 100 people waiting for us to start setting up! When I opened the can of worms it really did turn out to be a can of rattlesnake eggs. 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005      Moo-ha ha! One more flyover and I will punch in the control panel, because obviously it's not doing any good! 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005     So, here we pay homage to dorks everywhere. After all, if it weren't for brainiacs, nothing cool would ever get invented. stuff like microwaves and the thingies that keep your phone cord from getting tangled, but "cool" stuff like tie-dyed T-shirts and also lots of beaded necklaces which he wore around his head. 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005      "It's good for us to keep a copy of your dental records and a listing of all intimate encounters you've had for the past 2 years." 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     So to save floor space, you could try cement ing your mouth shut and let me do the thinking, OK? Now it should be simple to fix. All I have to do is take all this extra cat litter and put it in the display case at the local Pet Store. 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005     That's OK, because we bought extra rolls just in case. Try to line up the red hexagons so they match. This has to be done very carefully! If you don't do it correctly, you will have me to deal with!" 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005     I plugged it in and turned it on, but nothing happened. I just stood there for a second because I was so amazed that a ruptured gas line could shoot flames that high! It must have been 30 feet into the air. We were all standing around when the septic tank pumper truck pulled up. 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005     "I'm only 18!" I argued. he said, "I know you're not in it for the money. We always like to see people like you come through the door. You make us feel inadequate and incompetent. Where's the positive reinforcement?" The space marine sergeant harrumphed. "Positive ree-en-forcement?! This ain't no namby-pamby country club! 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005     And that's exactly what I did, much to the surprise and shock of the pilot, the rudders were stuck, and the plane was started to pitch sideways! There was only one thing to do: activate the afterburners! Yeee-haw! As pure jet fuel sprayed into the turbine combustion chambers, their heads snapped back as the pilot yelled, "yeeee-oouch!...that's gonna hurt in the morning". 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005     I came into this world a nobody, but I'm going to leave happy. 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005     That helps takes the edge off when you get too stressed. Got your expensive Ginsu knives?? 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005     and on the back it would say "got r00t?" Then everyone will know that you grew up in the Sixties. 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005      It's amazing that so many people are delighted to spend so much money for something so simple! What gives? Obviously some of the rest of us are entitled to a piece of the action. 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005      "They really ought to do something about that!" He shouted with ire, " Swab the deck, you landlubber. You will earn your keep on my ship. Now bring me a mug of cold frosty beer! Wow, would that hit the spot!" He grinned with satisfaction at the thought of running up to that hoity-toity aristocrat woman and bumping her right into the pool. 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005     When they arrived, his tummy was already started to gurgle. "Uh, excuse me, I didn't mean to fart in your face." Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time! 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005     He was irritated. Calmly, she answered, "I'm thinking if we ate nothing but lettuce and skim milk for a month we may look good for the St. 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005     Oliver goes on strike, and as a result Mr. has to step in and crush the resistance which happened to be the shotgun-toting tomato, Bob. It's Veggie Tales: Garden Guerillas. In the first episode, Ren and Stimpy challenged Mr. T to a knock-down, drag-out fight to the finish. 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005     After he recovered from his coma he discovered he had a new ability: he had heightened awareness of a person's inclinations-- good or evil. It's up to us to determine which way the world goes. 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005      Now all I could do was sit on the cold hard concrete floor and wait for someone to bail me out of jail. How embarrassing! Now all I could do was sit on the cold hard concrete floor and wait for someone to bail me out of jail. I hadn't applied my sunscreen evenly! How embarrassing! Now all I could do was sit on the cold hard concrete floor and wait for someone to bail me out of jail. 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005      I have a wallet full of money and all kinds of sales to go to. I must make a list of people whom I want to give back to the community. 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005      She must weigh close to 350 pounds. But that's OK. that's right... Perfect! She's a door. The next girl can pose on this poof chair. It is shaped like a high-heeled shoe. 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005      He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment before stomping on the gas pedal and screaming out of the parking lot like a bat out of H-E-double hockey sticks. I stomped my foot and out of the ground popped a prairie dog. How cute! His big brown eyes were gazing toward the girl relaxing on the park bench, eyes closed, gently rocking her head in time with whatever music was playing on her headphones. 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005      Here, put this one in his pocket!" I considered that, but decided it would be better to just hand it to him and let him put it in his pipe and smoke it. He doesn't deserve half the credit he's getting on this dig, and I intend to catalog every single piece of bone that I can find unlike the other slacker diggers who every day haphazardly would just come along, completely disregarding any scholarly integrity, and REFILL the holes with dirt from various random locations , because we couldn't seem to find a single location that met all our criteria for what we had in mind for the recruitment ad. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005     I always either had too little lumber, too few nails, or too few employees available to help me! I have no idea where the restrooms are in this store, and I need one bad! I need one so bad that I can't wait any longer for someone to help me! I'm going to climb up to the top shelf and get one myself! 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005      Next, you must only go grocery shopping when you are really hungry. That will enable you to put some food in your mouth, chew it up, and swallow it. 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005     As for a hard, scratch-resistant cutting surface, I chose muraled tempered glass. It was beautiful! Shining through from underneath were rows and rows of seats for the home theater. We could present movies in professional comfort for up to 30 people. On the walls were several works of art, but they were mounted right on the dry wall! 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005     Death was the order of the day (I suppose you could call a hamburger and french fries that!) Anyway who cares? Ultimate Ninja II would want everyone to remain respectfully quiet. Each fully dressed fighter was armed with daggers, leather lashers, and 4 or 5 weapons...per hand! 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005     I had found this out by trying to push down ALL the little red levers. The volunteer outside the curtain heard all the mechanical sounds and mumbling, and called out to him, "It doesn't work like that! 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005     When it was over, Barrister lay there panting. Feathers were flying everywhere. Tiny blood spatters covered his face with his hands, as he heard the prison warden approaching. A heartless, cruel man, the warden was well-known for his ferocity in battle. 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005     We took some of the money and used it for wiping up the spoiled milk in the back seat. Boy, did it stink! It smelled like the driver must be a smoker. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005      Can you give me a sample of your artwork. Our analysis of that will give us a lot of insight into your mental problems." 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004      Yeah, and there's no beans about it. That stuff has no life left. It needs to go to the auto dealership, because if I'm going to be able to park my car in this clean and roomy garage, I'm going to want it to be a new one!" 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004      Everyone made a dive for the only door. Unfortunately in their path was a deep hole from where the truck had landed. 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004     If we're going to regain any shred of respect we're going to have to take a stand! Together! 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004      "You think you have the right to scare innocent people like that? Of all the nerve! Look behind you!" He turned around, and suddenly, "NINJA!" and the party continued into the wee hours of the morning. 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004     As soon as they heard, they quickly lunged out the door, cameras and notebooks in hand. Moments later, they arrived at 10:55 with barely enough time to clip on their microphones and get in front of the camera. It was going to be a very big news day! Hurricane Bonnie had wiped out all of the office staff. 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004      What those vegans need are some good old pork rinds deep fried in lots of bubbly champagne. See, if you drink enough champagne, you forget you're on this lousy vegetarian diet, and you're free to create stupendous sculptures made from multicolored tofu. Why didn't anybody else want any greasy meat?! 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     He showed her how to bring down a runaway calf and hogtie 'em. he said. Boppy laughed and laughed. That, and spending an afternoon with President Bush at his ranch. 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004     Her ability to spin on her toes was phenomenal. We could only watch in amazement, envying her strength and grace. "How beautiful are the deep pools of blue that are your eyes. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004      That soft cartilage is so sensitive, so easy to bleed, so tender and kind. I felt much better about the whole situation now that the lands no longer lived under the tyrannical ravages of the Minotaur King, the people would be free to laugh out loud, sleep in on weekends, and eat dessert at any time of day! 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004     Scalie loved gifts like this! She usually ate them. At a nearby table, I saw a bright red hula hoop left over from the 50's. What a find! I grabbed it quickly because I wanted to add it to my collection. I tried it out too. While I was whirling it around my waist, I started to feel nostalgia for the carefree days of my youth, once so far away, but now closer for seeing the whole collection of Scooby Doos all in one place was amazing! 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004     The fun is just beginning. Now we are headed for the North Pole! We will be on top of the world! Good thing we are going by helicopter, because it would take too long to travel in a hot-air balloon, of course! 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004      But I assure you I didn't do it. Please note how cooperative I'm being. Ask me anything. 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004     I dragged him inside and tried to put him to sleep so the vet and I could operate. We had a hard time because he was so fat. The fat seemed to absorb the knockout juice. 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004      It was getting scarier by the minute, so we decided to resign ourselves to our fate. Surrounded, it was only a matter of time before we got turned into dino-hors d'ouevres. We sat down and caught our breath. "We need to find some water," I said. "It's so humid and hot here. I'm so sweaty." 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004      Hello, and welcome to Gardening with Betty! I'm your host, Betty! Today we're going to look at these ivys. We have English, Boston, variegated; why we even have poison oak and poison ivy! 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004      And then ran. Kicking up dust, hollering at women, and playing music too loud. That's par for the course when you're in a motorcycle gang. 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004     they jumped into the car and drove to the museum. They were so excited to see a dinosaur in the museum! Even though it was just the skeleton, somebody was scared. But then we realized: we were all scared. The forces of Hauptmann Gestapo were closing in, and Molly was really enjoying her Chinese Chop Suey. 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004     Tears filled her eyes and she turned and began to run away. She wanted to, but couldn't. Tears filled her eyes and she turned and began to run away. Go ahead!" She wanted to, but couldn't. 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004      When he got to the parking lot, he saw 100's of carrots but they weren't in the carrot compartment! Robbers had broken in to the Toy Department and taken all the Hulk Fists! 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004      The fact is I cannot believe Bonnie started this story! But be that as it may, I will help continue it: And the second fact is that when I was growing up we did not call them farts. We called them poots. And that was always a funny subject. 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004     the Sarge growled, "You're goin'! So pull yourself together and straighten up that posture, soldier! We want you to stand tall and proud. Remember you are representing the United States of America, the most powerful country in the world! then do 500 more... 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004     "Pops doesn't sell chicken nuggets! Do we, guys?" He chuckled as he called over his shoulder to the crew. They all laughed nervously because they knew where this was headed. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004     a voice rasped. I gasped. An old lady, bent with age, shuffled out of the shadows. 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004      One can never be too careful. For example, if you are going to take a ride in a car, you should always wear your mouse fur coat. 300 mice died to provide you with that stylishly avant-garde attire, and don't let them forget it. Every time they see you they'll turn around and moon you, and I mean every time! 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004      "Hey, let's get one of the cars, push it to the top and jump in and see how far we can go!" So they laboriously pushed and pushed, and when they got to the top they saw what was causing the tornado: the villanous Sky Master!! 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004     And this lawn chair. And that's ALL I NEED!" People began to stare at him because he had a pale green luminescence about him. 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004      We all looked at each other and silently agreed to lie down and take a nap in the shade of the old oak tree. It's our only chance!" 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004      "Take a nap every afternoon." After I take a nap, I always feel like killing somebody! That was when I knew I had to lie down quickly and start my bio-feedback session. That was the only thing that worked for me to help me feel calm again, and it helped me also to feel sympathy for homeless people. 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004      I don't know why, exactly. Probably having to do with the crispiness. There's just something not quite right about these buns. Too many sesame seeds I think. Hey they look more like poppy seeds! 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004      You know hot dogs give me terrible indigestion, and not only that, they also give me a set of free ginseng knives, you know, the kind you use for energy-supporting herbs. More people should be aware of the benefits of tending a garden and growing your own begetables. 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004      Such is the power of the ULTIMATE NINJA. And again what is that POWER? It is the power of the universe! The power that enables the ULTIMATE NINJA to unleash hundreds if not thousands of punches and kicks upon any who opposed him. He spent the rest of his days travelling from town to town, teaching any who would listen, when he wasn't busy flipping out. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004     In exchange, they agreed to exchange insider information, hoping that the authorities would never find out. However as soon as their buys went through, the Commissioner announced, " Batman. Batman! Will somebody please tell me what kind of world we're living in when a man cannot turn a dollar into a million, or turn a Euro into a big fat wallet. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004     The ship contorted in bizarre, unthinkable ways as the universe collapsed around them. Moments later, all hell broke loose when they drifted into ans asteroid belt. Being slammed from all sides, they quickly tried to vent the waste container into space, before it exploded and spewed human refuse all over the cabin. 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004      "I have a demon in my castle tower. I think I will unleash him upon my evil enemy, the Earl of Sandwich!" He strode in purposely, a roast beef hoagie in one hand, and a salami grinder in the other. "So," Count Muenster declared, "We have thee to thank for these delightful victuals." 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004      Barrister the Lawyer Cat sat behind his big mahogany desk and pondered about the court cases for the day. 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004     reply. This could only mean one thing, the subjects for the theses were all wrong! Gromit, they are all wrong! What will the students do now? They must reevaluate and find a better deal on a used car. What they wanted to charge us was absolutely ridiculous. "I know," Betty said, "Let's go to the library and do research about Guinea Worms. 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004      There just had to be a way to satisfy all the parties involved. Maybe if he bought more turkey pepperoni everyone would be happier. After all who wants on their pizza those dripping greasy carrot sticks. 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     So, it was most certainly his last bungee cord jump. and as luck would have it, that was the one in which his cord broke. So, it was most certainly his last bungee cord jump.