Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022     Yes, phooey! Now I have to wait 23 1/2 hours to get to see the moonflower bloom! Until then, well, who knows? 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021     We had a big job ahead of us: figuring out how to get in a vehicle fast enough to outrun the sun as it moved from east to west. Turns out it has to be going 1,000 miles an hour, so obviously a car was out. 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021      The fresh cold air stung his nose as as he pulled up his snuggly warm scarf mask. hmmm may be those masks really are good for something! However, I hate people telling me what to do, ...like I have to use fully-jacketed rounds at the indoor shooting range, because they're concerned about LeAd PoIsOnInG... 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020      That took quite some time, but fortunately, they at least had an overstock of those little peanut snack bags to hand out to everyone. By that point I could have eaten a proper meal, but I couldn't be picky; I was starving! I scarfed down three of them before I remembered that I was deathly allergic to peanuts. 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020      We would have to go the tried and true route which was to pack it full of apples and hope for the best. While waiting for the turkey to finished roasting, the oven twiddled its thumbs, wishing it had remembered to charge its phone. It takes a number of hours for a turkey to cook properly, and even an oven has limited power. 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019      Unfortunately, he didn't understand that you're supposed to take a deep breath first. 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019     Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?" I was so frustrated because it seemed like I had been so close to finishing! All I had left to do was type in my weight, and the computer quickly printed out a menu listing these choices: 1) Broiled troll leg with capers, 2) spicy troll soup with tortilla strips and shaved truffles, and 3) chopped troll with candied bacon bits and guacamole. 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     Yes, it was a day just like any other. But little did the inhabitants know, today would be the last normal day in a long time. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019      The Vet was astounded. He said, " it must have been caused by faulty logic!" A collective gasp of shock was followed by stunned silence as everyone tried to understand how to keep 2 cats who used to be friends from absolutely screaming at each other. 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019     Bones and joints moved in unnatural ways and the pain which I knew was coming took its own sweet time to arrive, which confused my brain even more. I was still lucid enough to know I was falling toward the mat, and out of the corner of my bloodshot eyes I could see the towering frame of London Bridge, shaking with laughter, as he said " 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019     I found in on sale at the Farmer's Daughter market where you can find fresh eggs, potatoes, homemade soap, and bunches of bananas! We must keep up our strength while we do all this wrapping! Please, help yourself to another cup of egg nog. Now have a seat and relax. Lean back and contemplate what you are going to do next: wrap more presents, or eat ALL the Christmas cookies. 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018     "That's not a walnut! It's a long way from here, so we'd better get started!" With that, everyone looked around to be sure nobody was watching when they dumped their camping garbage into the fast flowing river. Swollen from recent rains, it would be a good protection from big brown grizzly bears who roam around always looking for tasty wheat! 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018     I kept mashing buttons and nothing worked. In frustration, finally I kicked the door. Amazed, I watched while the panel I'd kicked receded, and the door slowly creaked open.... 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018      I don't know why I just let stuff sit there literally for years and never use it or even look at it. It must be like that old saying, "out of sight, out of Tums! Just thinking about that garage is tying my gut in knots! 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018     Unfortunately, none of them knew how to use the cash register! Hmmm. Well, it did not matter because the power had gone out and it did not work anyway. 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018     In planning for the Kidz Festival, it looks like we overestimated the resilience of grass. Sure, it can be tough, but once the chainsaw got involved, there was great danger! We protected our eyes and ears with homemade insecticide, made with vinegar, water, and a tablespoon of Miracle-Gro should do the trick I also thought a little pruning would help, so I pulled out of my pocket my pair of tweezers. 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018     Greg said as he walked in with crowbar the size of his arm. "Stand back!" But Boppy exclaimed, "I can't kill it if I've named it!" No one could argue with that. But here's another question: if you've named a mouse Milo, can you ever set out a mousetrap for him? 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017     It was pandemonium! Chairs were flying, fists were flying, and threats were splashed across the campus center walls with hot pink paint. We could not let visitors see them! 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017     I mumbled as I walked back to my motorcycle. "Might as well try to make some money out of this mess," 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      Some were clumped together, big and heavy, falling faster, so it seemed like they could probably walk down to the river if they put on heavy boots and around their necks they could wrap at least two hands around it! 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017      I always like to sit down in a peaceful place to eat my pizza. But it is okay to have some background music like the theme music from the movie, " Saturday Night Fever"--it makes you want to dance, but you wouldn't admit to your high-society friends that you like it. 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016     You don't want to get stuck with too much time on our hands, we decided just to go shopping. First we went to Cosco and loaded up on lots of wood glue, posterboard, hammers, and nuclear material. That's everything we need for assembling a Gatling gun! 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016     This performance will be so spectacular that the town will hold a fireworks extravaganza! And vendors will come to sell their homemade costumes. The matching outfits looked kind of amateur, but the makeup and wigs more than made up for it with Cherry Blossom Bubble Bath! 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016      Move-in day! We all got to see Xander's room for the very first time! It's on the second floor, overlooking the placid lake, so blue and relaxing, and what is that swimming over the surface? 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016     Smashing chairs, flipping over tables, drinking liquor after drinking beer, queuing up Taylor Swift songs on the jukebox, it was complete bedlam. That is, until the water hose sprang a leak! In fact,it was full of pin holes, or should I say teeth marks! 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016      In fact, the bark is so smooth, yet at the same time it is also dying! That's the second stump vine to die this season. 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016      What a great product! And the name of it was " Your dearest wish come true." Oh! Well, in that case, we should string up some clothesline in the back yard. One end we could wrap around the big pine tree, and the other end we could tie to the neck of an ISIS terrorist! 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016     I tried that ONE time, and it was getting deeper and deeper! Would we be even able to get out of the house?? We went to look for the snow shovel, but instead found the manhole cover that had been lost for two months! 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     You look like you are carrying a Beretta PX4 Storm Compact 9mm! With its comfortable grip and good balance and accuracy, this pistol would be a good choice for wearing on the plane. 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      In fact, I had to turn on the fan because the dog's gas emissions were overwhelming. 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016      I resolve to think before I speak and bite my tongue if I feel inclined to improve myself. First I took a personality test and I turned out to be an introvert. 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015      That would be SANTA!! The only one who delivers more Christmas presents than UPS! But you know he needs all the help he can get, and you can help by registering all your information on the website, so every time from then on you won't have to type in your office on your clicky-clacky IBM keyboard from 1981. 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015     We positioned it right at the end of a row of green beans. !!! That way it will be super-easy to make tons of money selling homemade compost !! 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015      Horrible ! How did they get there? !! They must have come from the bottom of the fridge, behind puddles of spilled condiments and half-rotted vegetables. The odor of it all made me swell with joy. 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015      The next aroma you smell will be burning leaves of course from Stephens back yard. he makes me want to put on a harness attached with strong rope and carabiners to something sturdy. This is what's known as fall protection gear. Once I was satisfactorily secured, I was ready to gather the black walnuts, so I looked in the garage for a big surprise! 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015     Slinging a sledgehammer, he slipped slightly and slammed into the slick slab. He slowly inched through the pasture field dodging cow pies and carefully watching out for the hot-tempered bull, which was hiding behind a clump of weeds. The General abruptly stiffened with alertness. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     And giant spikes made out of wood logs! And the surrounding area was covered in moldy gray moss that smelled like gym socks that had been stuffed with rotten onions and baby vomit. I took them and soaked them overnight. Then I carefully placed them side by side in a plastic tray. 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     Then through a little crack in the sugary glaze I saw several disgusting guests on late-night talk shows. They were rude, slovenly, and told rambling, barely-coherent stories about parasites. You should be careful about what you watch on TV before you go to bed. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015      How could anybody be that behind the times? Clearly it's time to fill your pot with dirt and of course water it. Why then would you not want that? Obviously, life would be easier with a million bucks. 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     It must have been Mr. Carrington, the newspaper deliveryman! He was known for being obnoxious to the nth degree. Everyone was gathering into little groups to avoid talking to him. Then suddenly he came toward us and said, "I want my two dollars!" Panicking, I slept. Zzzzzzz Garfield was asleep again. 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015      I am sure I lost some. We want to make our own peanut butter in our new electric hot tub. It's great! The only drawback is that our refrigerator is on the blink and all the food is slowly spoiling. I wonder if Danny Speight would let us borrow his passes to attend a free movie at Regal Cinemas at Kiln Creek. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015      It's so encouraging to see all the worms twisting and turning in the new worm farm which was another new project thought up by the very garden gnomes who now completed the whimsical tableau. Posed as if they were going about their daily chores, the garden gnomes banded together and formed a labor union. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015     The most delicious part is the unique combination of chocolate chips, coconut, chopped pecans, and held together by welded high-gauge wire. Exquisitely beautiful, on the very top, there balanced a gymnast who was trying out for the Olympics! But he was nervous! 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     But an hour later I couldn't feel my feet they were throbbing so badly! So, I sat down to eat some calories before attempting the climb. Other important preparations include wearing thick socks, sturdy shoes,and drinking bottles and bottles of water. My dearest hope is that everyone will be responsible and keep their hands at the 9 o'clock and 3 o'clock positions on the steering wheel as they are driving their golf balls across the pitted rock dome, the sun started to set, and severe angst caused them to sit and have some pie and cookies. 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015     It made me want to go to San Antonio, Texas to visit Bonnie, Chad, Xander, Ethan, and their dog named all the cats in the neighborhood: "Stinky", "Spazzy", "Sissy McWeepington", "Sir Pukesalot", etc. 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015     Sure enough...I opened the door and found a cup of Whoop-Ass! I immediately picked it up and threw it at him! He then carried the stack of folders over to the table and spread out the construction paper, blunt scissors, glitter, and glue. 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     Popular Science, Popular Mechanics, Family Handyman, as well as buckets of confetti, streamers, and plenty of loud outfits that we got from the thrift store. They were cheap, but smelled like peppermint cocoa....yum !! I could drink a giant mug of that! 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     I exclaimed. "OK, now it's your best hope for improving your life. So what do you want? Do you want to take a trip to some exotic tropical island. Hmmm I think this destination would be a good choice: the unemployment line! My job sucks! I could scarcely do worse!" 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014      The first step is to acquire the presents. Second, you have to get someone to put their finger in the middle of a bow, so you can pull out just as much as you need. Next, take the scissors and curl the ribbon. 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014     And we soon had enough to make brownies with. But the plumber was allergic to walnuts! He went into anaphylactic shock and died. Oh well, more brownies for us. Blind and coughing, I flailed around, reaching for the plunger, I gritted my teeth, closed my eyes, and put all my strength into crushing the walnuts with my bare hands.... 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014     I called 911 and guess who answered! = Some guy in an elf costume! "HaHa! That's great!" I said, " Now I know my electric bill will go up!" I was kidding of course, but I knew now the county would surely waive the rule about no inflatables taller than 40 feet! 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     "That thing is enormous!" The doctor yelled. "We have to operate now! There's no time to climb down! Just jump! As soon as you get your balance, you can play Pac-Man with your feet ! Yes! It is possible and it will save your hands from getting that dreaded Ebola virus! 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014     I ain't flying in no plane, you crazy alien from Mars! How did you get here? I bet you traveled on a expired visa! 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     Plus during the heat of the day we will be under the gun to finish all fun and games we'd been planning on having a big family picnic; so we called everyone and asked them each to bring a basket of posies, so we could dance around them and sing morbid songs about the bubonic plague. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014      After I downloaded it, the opening scene seemed to be set in the mouth of a cave. there is a grand expanse of purple mountains, faraway blue lakes, and a great number of reddish-orange Doritos. They were next to the Cheetos, Slim Jims, Twizzlers, and a box of Poop. 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     It never occurred to me to just tell the guy in front of me to turn off his cell phone screen. But when I did, he proceeded to buy advance tickets for EVERY opening show for the next year!!! 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     Face down on the ground! Put your hands behind your back stalked a ninja! He was there the ENTIRE TIME! 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013      I thought, "That doesn't sound good for breakfast." For breakfast I would rather have one bar of dark chocolate than ten bars of "The Star-Spangled Banner". 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     My game was interrupted! I was halfway through getting an upgrade for my level 1 Floor Sweeper. 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     To test it, we inserted a non-compete clause into the document. It now read, "I (fill in your name) will not directly or indirectly engage in any business that competes with the cupboard of Old Mother Hubbard." 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     We went to the dealership, looked into the showroom, and we saw a brand spanking new Interstellar G9X Ion-Charged Singularity Accelerator. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     like a nice day at the beach with relaxing waves, shimmering sunlight, and lots of ketchup for the French fries. Heck, I'll order some onion rings too. And for dessert, we wanted Royal Crown Colas and Moon Pies !! How delicious! But things don't always taste the way we remember them.... 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     Even on Thanksgiving! Now doesn't a bacon Philly cheesesteak sound good right now instead of an ol' plastic one. This is the time to break out the nice tableware! Your good china, your sparkling wine. We were just about to open our second bottle when suddenly, hot marshmallow started oozing out around the oven door! 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     So beautiful. prrrecciouusss... Those hobbitses are always stealing from us. Those nasty little roaches were everywhere! Someone must have left food in here! Ah, I found an old lunch bag! 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012     Then you know what happens! I have to poop! But the only way to get to town to go shopping was to hitchhike! So I stuck out my thumb and hoped for the best. Believe it or not down the road came a knick-knack, paddywack, give a dog a wrapped-up box of chew bones and when he tears the wrapper off he will bite into a raw onion! 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     That's a good egg. Now also watch out for jugs of dirty car oil, because if you were to accidentally kick one over, your foot would probably end up kicking the butt of somebody who just wandered into your garage and started messing everything up. And when you do, tell him, ' Stop spilling used cat litter on the garage floor!'" 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011     On the way out, I accidentally tipped over the trash can and out spilled a whole bunch of jelly beans, which inexplicably caused an entomological cavalcade of roaches to march onto the counter. 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     we are doomed...... They were now known to be in cahoots with the left wing red diaper doper babies. we are doomed...... But by that point there must have been at least 1,000 zombies! 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     As a male, I know how to get things done. And the first thing to do is play a few missions in City Of Heroes just to get your blood flowing. The next thing to do would be have a fire sale! Anything that didn't get sold would become kindling for the bonfire that would be against my better judgment to put the white underwear into the same drawer as the colored butterflies streamed through the sewer line so fast that everyone thought, " 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009      Most people who encounter the brown hat will never be affected by the hat's presence. However, for the select few who are touched by the brown hat, their lives will never be the same. Our story begins on a windy and cool, but bright, February day. This story is about a brown hat. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     Xander exclaimed, " I am so hungry I could eat a WHOLE pizza!" When the nephews opened it, they found an enormous pile of puke the cats had upchucked! Xander exclaimed, " I am so hungry I could eat a WHOLE pizza!" 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008      First into each eye we will put some Vicodin in your hand. A couple of these and you won't feel a thing! I should know, I use them whenever I am doing brain surgery. 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007      Abiathar needs Artorios's help. So Abiathar asked him to pass the potatoes. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we do some serious bashing! After dinner, he got to his feet and threw a zombie up in the air with his Jawbreaker, while at the same time he grabbed a troll by the ankle, spun him around and launched him into orbit with one flick of his manly wrist. 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007     What a relief! Then the next day I am ready to open fire with my thermonuclear missile pack. I activated the targeting mechanism, punched in the coordinates, and pushed the escape button over and over to no avail. 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007      Hey I thought it was supposed to be odorless! Maybe it stinks because I was supposed to pick up a truckload of hardwood bark mulch from the nursery. But the truck bed was full of big fat earthworms--so big and fat that they looked like mashed up tatters of former flowers. 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007     No geek worth his salt would be caught dead without that telltale orange tint on his fingertips. mixed with cables, network cards, and little plastic bags of ICs of every conceivable kind. 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006     Re! A golden drop of perspiration gently made a rivulet down my forehead and off the tip of my spoiler! That's how slippery this car is. 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006      This bold statement caused a huge increase in his medical malpractice insurance premiums. 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     Did you know that poor-quality windows could cost you a bundle in heating bills? That's why I always read the Dilbert cartoon as soon as I get to work. That turns out to be the best part of the day for me because he makes me feel like I'm in control of my financial destiny. 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006     The engine roared, branches of trees could be heard snapping as it swiveled and spun with greater and greater speed making me feel terribly dizzy and causing me to start coughing and hacking like I had tuberculosis or something. 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006     Then we retaliated with a barrage of German invective. we snarled informally. Shocked, he picked his beret out of the muddy gutter, shook it off and put it on his resume. 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006     We're being invaded on Christmas!" He ran inside the house to call the electric company because the power seemed to be off. He kept plugging in lights but instead of coming on, they would just explode like a long string a chinese firecrackers. 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005      I laugh with raucous glee. You will be sorry; you will be very sorry when I stumbled upon a fully-loaded phaser rifle. It must have been dropped by an alphatrooper when he recovered from the blow to his head, he knew he would have to activate his quantum shields before it was too late! 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005     What fun it was to hobnob with all those blue bloods! The mayor was there, several state councilmen were there, we even saw George Allen, John Warner, and Harvey Morgan in the foyer, and they were having a heated discussion about which burned longer: a violin or a viola. 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005      She wasn't paying attention and drifted into the oncoming lane! We were going to collide head-on! 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005     I asked. he exclaimed, "I want paper not plastic! You stupidhead!" He stomped his feet and then he yelled, " God bless us, every one!" A tear ran down my cheek as a sudden blast of frigid, snowy air reddened my nose, numbed my cheeks, caught my breath and blew all my packages into a snowdrift. 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005     Yo man, why you do me like dat? I'm the shizzle for my nizzle. And you know you're not allowed to eat mistakes! Put that in the waste bucket!" Reluctantly, I placed the tomato heels and limp lettuce on each one of the cash registers. I tried to hit the button to open the drawer, but it really didn't matter if a few pickles fell on the floor. 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005     Meanwhile, the rest of the group went to the raspberry patch and had a raspberry war!! Soon they were all covered with red raspberry juice. When the first group saw them, they gasped "What big pumpkins!" 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015     That's man's work! And furthermore, you should sit down right now and watch all six Star Wars movies back to back. I know that will make you feel completely relaxed. 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005     No light speed??? Would it help if I released the emergency brake? She smiled sweetly and pushed the button that sent them all hurtling into a black hole. 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005     taking this class. In fact most of the students looked at least as old as MS-DOS. Which would put it at about 25 years old. There was also an acoustic coupler modem on display. 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     "You can't be serious! I know positively that these eggs are fresh! Break this one open and you will see why you should never cook with Spam on television." 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005     We put them in the bathtub because it's just easier to wipe two bottoms at the same time. To do this, you just need a lot of patience. One day at a time, we worked at moving the vast quantities of toddler turds out of the house. We used snow shovels most of the time, but sometimes we used cloth diapers when we ran out of all the clean air in the house was being gradually contaminated by the encroaching fog of green stench. 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005      They must be major weightlifters because that's exactly what it sounds like: dumbells on the floor next to my barbell and other weight equipment. My workout was over, and now I could hear them again playing their awful rap music. Boy, do I hate it! Every time I hear it, I am ready to go up there and ask them if they could please take off their concrete shoes when they're walking around upstairs! 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005     Of course, while we're there, we'll check out the local caves. I know it will be cool in there, and who knows? 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005      I'd better get out of bed and get going, or I'll be wearing my Dale Earnhardt jumpsuit. Nobody can match my collection of his memorabilia. Why I even have his name printed on my flame-retardant suit and on my car, I don't know. 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005     It may be your only chance to go to the bathroom before we do our one and only daily flush. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005     It's good to keep track of the total number of inches lost around the waist. Here, take this tape measure and see what your KNEES look like! 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005     I was a little nervous, because this was my very first yard sale. I ate a quick breakfast of hot lava. We had the yard sale near an active volcano and called it a firesale. So when we advertised it, we exaggerated a little bit to get more people to show up. 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005      That's looks like a squadron of Russian MiGs attempting to intercept my vector! 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005     I retorted, "Yeah? Well you're a stupid head! And what's more, your nose is too much to resist. This is why I never go into CompUSA unsupervised." I nodded, and added, " 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005      "It's good for us to keep a copy of your dental records and a listing of all intimate encounters you've had for the past 2 years." "What??" I exclaimed. "Why would I need to order x-rays? Clearly the problem is an occluded colon. This sort of thing happens if you don't eat enough fiber, and then load up on cheese pizza. 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     It will spark so much interest, you'll be building the biggest mega-cat-condo in the world! All I have to do is take all this extra cat litter and put it in the display case at the local Pet Store. 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005      Five minutes later the glue had hardened like week-old oatmeal. And not Quaker Oatmeal, either; I'm talking about cheap, store-brand tools! 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005     I plugged it in and turned it on, but nothing happened. I just stood there for a second because I was so amazed that a ruptured gas line could shoot flames that high! It must have been 30 feet into the air. We were all standing around when the septic tank pumper truck pulled up. "I understand you need a staple gun to finish that project. 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005      We always like to see people like you come through the door. You make us feel inadequate and incompetent. Where's the positive reinforcement?" 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005      I better get my head on straight because I have to be able to see out the cockpit window. Just give me a second. and see right before our eyes the ground rushing up toward us! No time to lose; the passengers were eating up all the pretzels! Somebody slow them down! 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005     I said, "I assure you NOTHING can go wrong when I'm around!" To everyone's amazement I then proceeded to sing, " 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005     Eventually, this began to attract flies. "Who left the window open?" 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005     Because people will notice and say "He's all about style! How cool is that?" I'll tell ya; it's VERY COOL. Just say "Aayyy!", be cool, and don't forget to wear your sunglasses, your sunscreen, and most of all don't forget your comb, even if you don't need it because your hair's so cool already. 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005     So here's the plan: Rent a storefront, buy some coffee beans, and to grind them, buy a big muffin. 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005      Wow, would that hit the spot!" He grinned with satisfaction at the thought of running up to that hoity-toity aristocrat woman and bumping her right into the pool. Ha ha! He could just imagine all those dolphins and whales jumping out of the water, so full joy, so full of lobsters it was ridiculous! 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005      You stop traffic while I wash this man's windshield! He will surely reward me with a big wad of toilet paper stuck in my butt, I look just like a bunny rabbit! Hop, hop, hop!" 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005      "The ad said this would make my thighs look smaller!" She said. Incredulous, he asked, "But how would you get rid of all that flab in just 2 weeks? 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005     So the main characters set out to accomplish this mission: a difficult job which would take at least several days and certainly be a bonding experience, an adventure. This team of friends had agreed to buy all the ingredients to make homemade pizza. 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005     Time itself seemed to slow down and the bullets whizzed by each other's ears and limbs. Clip after clip was burned through until we heard those momentous words: "Cut! 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005     It makes me want to dance! When I hear the music playing The Yellow Rose of Texas. How lilting was the music. It made me want to change into a tank top and get a cold drink. Fanning myself and perspiring, I went inside to cool off. 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005     and buy a notepad for myself, so I can write down a list of people to whom we must send boxes of processed cheese and hard sausages. We must get those orders out right away! You know everyone just loves those boxes of styrofoam peanuts. Find someone who has a fan blowing in their room, dump the box, and watch the fun! 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005      This ensemble would blow away the skeletal remains of the anorexic models. What a tragedy. But the show must go on. 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005      Other times, who knows? Will I be a n00b for the rest of my life? None of this makes sense to me. To help me I think I'll ask the bartender. "What do you recommend?" 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005      Dust, dust, dust! My hair was matted with mud and straw. We started carefully cleaning it, and were surprised to discover that under the dirt was the wrapper from my Brown Mule. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005     So Lowe's decided to stay open until midnight to accomodate all the purchases! 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005      This should remind you of the pleasure of eating. anymore! 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005     should certainly qualify me to start my new house! I had already drawn the plans which would include 2, maybe 3 banks of cannons to blow away looters, marauders, and other human filth that would start roaming the streets if Kerry was elected president. That's why I needed an expert carpenter. 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005     Ah, the power coming out of my legs, my arms, my fingertips. If you could see my aura, it'd be white with fire and black with death. Death was the order of the day (I suppose you could call a hamburger and french fries that!) Anyway who cares? 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005     banner. It was sad, in a way, since everyone knew that chewing gum really does stick to the bottoms of desks and stays there forever. So why not stick some on the voting booths for fun? I bet that would get more people to vote! You need live music, kiddie rides, free food, and most of all you need A BRAIN ! 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005      Were they delicious! Now I just want to lie down in the sun and dream about life beyond these four gray walls. He had been locked up ages; he couldn't remember when he got his last rabies shot. 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005      We brought out the banners of red, white, and blue. We brought out the banners of elephants and donkeys. We even brougnt out the banners of eye-catching, colorful cloth were tied up in various locations around the perimeter of the parking lot for the purpose of raising money for the annual sack race. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005     My new flexibility was a great asset to my health. I thought it was worth a try, so I plugged in some batteries and turned it on. 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004     Enuf into the freezer to get cold. It will really taste good with a piece of moldy bread!" Who knows how long that had been there! "That's disgusting!" I said. "We're going to need some industrial-strength cleaner! Russell used some when he worked at Busch; let's call him." 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004      "We should be safe here!" I whispered. We even tried to quiet our breathing, fast and loud from our sprint. We pressed our backs against the wall, trying to hide in the shadow of the titanic Doom-Bot, which Dr. 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004     All your children will be going to Christian charter schools from now on!" The parents cheered while the teachers groaned. "This PTA is disbanded. 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004      Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone. As I turned, the figure yelled, "NINJA!" Insane with panic, I grabbed the blue ribbon watermelon and threw it as hard as I could at the red-faced perpetrator. "You think you have the right to scare innocent people like that? 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004     They lay in wet piles atop the sewer grates, and rats slithered out and began to dance on the grates! 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004      What those vegans need are some good old pork rinds deep fried in lots of bubbly champagne. See, if you drink enough champagne, you forget you're on this lousy vegetarian diet, and you're free to create stupendous sculptures made from multicolored tofu. 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     Ah what sounds of San Antonio-- together with the unforgettable smell of refried beans, tortillas and salsa! 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004      Which makes sense, actually, because the piano player had sprained his ankle and couldn't show up. So we played a boom box until the windows started to tremble. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004     I noticed a stream of urine running down the side of the cavern wall. the Minotaur King was relieving himself right above us!" I whispered back, "Now's our chance!" We carefully snuck around until we were right behind him, and with one swift movement, I lunged with my scimitar. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004      "Ooh. That's very nice," I said, smiling. "No thanks." I tried to be polite but firm. No one in his right mind would ever think of charging $100 for an old rug! "I'm not paying that much!" I told him! he waved me away as he threw his creaky voice back over his shoulder. 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004     declared Paspartout with a rakish grin. We laughed and laughed; Men wearing hula skirts! It was so funny. When they tried to dance, they ended up in the Taj Mahal, surrounded by furious Muslim imams! They were all holding uzis! The lead one proclaimed, "You have trespassed on holy ground, infidel, now you will put on your scuba gear because we are going underwater. 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004      As if on cue, Thehood smashed down the door and rummaged through the connecting rooms. When he finally found the cash register, he looked at it and exclaimed, " 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004     Now that's a country breakfast! L'il Abner (who wasn't very little) was always hungry. He said, "I want some more buttermilk from that churn! And I want some homemade butter and strawberry jelly to put on my overalls." The dirt from my past several weeks of work had crusted upon itself to the point that it could begin to flake off in great chunks, and I could see the blue cloth beneath. 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004      Ethan wanted to make scrambled eggs with them, but Xander yelled "NO! If we do that we might not survive the night! No. We've got to conserve our ammunition, collect what food we have left, and prepare to broil some tasty dinosaur patties. 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004     Streaming out of every crevice. They were everywhere!! So I grabbed a hand hoe and started hacking at it. No interlopers in this garden! You can count on me to take care of all the weeds, because I know what a weed looks like. It looks like a cross between a marigold and a dandelion. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004      This story will be about a motorcycle trip. I started tuning up my bike, changing the oil, checking the tire pressure, checking the engine timing, and finally I was ready to check the air pressure in the tires. 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004     She worked quickly to mix up the scones for the Scottish bakerycafe. The dining room was filling up fast, and when she looked in the refrigerator she was dismayed to find they had run out of air tanks. "Oh, I guess we can't go diving for oysters after all! 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004     "Why, I oughta punch your red diaper doper baby lights out! You flamin' liberal French sissy. Go back into your cave and drink your cafe au lait. Next time I see you I will give you $20, but only if you can seat us in a better part of the restaurant. 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004     I never saw her again. One day Xander was bored and decided to go shopping. He got in his little car and headed for the giant Wal-mart. 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004      Sometimes they can be REALLY stinky! And sometimes they're loud! Sometimes they're so loud they are deafening; so cacophonous they pierce your ears; so mind-boggling they make your butt steam! 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004     We thought that was a strange thing to do, because we had already just finished doing 100 push-ups. Needless to say, we were pretty exhausted, and ready for a break. We cautiously asked the drill sargeant if he would let us have some more corned beef hash before we had to do another 100 push-ups. 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004     I asked, drooling. he exclaimed. "You just drooled on it! You stupid idiot. And that was our last steak in the kitchen! Well, the customer is waiting; we've got to do something. Here, rinse it off with this sprayer. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004      They never got a chance to air out just like old movie houses emptying out one sweaty audience only to open their doors to another hallway, to allow the breeze to blow through. 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004     I listen to it nice and loud, and it rocks me to sleep, no pun intended! But the mice hate it. The mice also hate it when their fur is rubbed the wrong way. 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004      "That was quite a steep waterslide! I don't think I want to go down that again! It scared me too much and when I got to the bottom, I hit a Honda Civic! 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004      I come prepared for anything! Why, in my back pocket I even have a map to a secret underground base, which is also underwater!" We had to use a submarine to get to it. None of us had ever driven one before, but the tunnel was easy to drive through because there were all kinds of lights and even air conditioning. 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004      "You fools!" He cried in anguish, "Can't you see we're trapped? It's our only chance!" 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004      That is an excellent way to direct energy. Positive in through the nose, negative out through the chimney and up, up, the explosion launched debris 30 feet into the air. Bonnie immediately began stuffing more explosives into the fireplace and said "I feel less stressed already! 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004     It was stored in the ice cabinet marked "meat", right next to the fry basket in hot oil! "You'd better be careful or that might fall in in big vat of boiling hot french fry grease. 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004     "Hey," Betty called from inside, "Are those hot dogs ready yet?" I said, "Hot dogs? I thought we we were having T-bone steaks! 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004      Being a ninja is more than just getting super pissed, flipping out, and killing people. Real ultimate power is attained by unrelenting karate chops to the back of the neck and across the river, with a single leap of his well-muscled legs. He found himself in the middle of a big pile of threadbare blue mats. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004     Now, I also want all your money. I mean ALL of it. Hand it over or I will give you a million dollars in exchange for leaving the country and never mentioning this again!" 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004     the officer replied, "It's the illegal immigrants, the aliens, we give them to. They bathe in artificial dihydrogen monoxide which was produced in a laboratory manned by hyper-intelligent mice. 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004     The Earl replied with a bow, "And I named the cheese after thee, milord." Then the Count called all the servants together to tell them the bad news: They would no longer get free sandwiches until the draconian taxes levied by the Duke of Hazzarde were removed. 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004      Here was the judge, jury, attorneys, the whole court coming into his store! We are going to get this matter settled once and for all, said the judge as he beckoned Lord Elsington to even higher status within the SSBC: Secret Society of British Cats. "I want my toys back now!" 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004      "I know," Betty said, "Let's go to the library and do research about Guinea Worms. You know how to get them out of your leg, don't you? You take a thin stick and snap it in two with a single karate chop. 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004     However, how formidable could he be? Considering his cache of armor, he chose a shield, a big one, because his heart was gripped with fear that he would become dragon food: flame-broiled, crispy baby back ribs smothered in a tempting and tasty blanket of spicy hot peppers and smothered in cheese! 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     Knowing this, Al Gore decided to end his obsession with bungee cord jumping. and as luck would have it, that was the one in which his cord broke.