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Story IDTitleCreatorStatusNum EntriesDate Finished
174  Springtime in VirginiabettyDone2212/27/2022
     I can plant them one by one all lining the sidewalk. When they bloom they will look as if they are marching, and when the neighbors see them, they will exclaim, "
173  Daylight Saving Time !bettyDone234/21/2021
    I put the menu down slowly, got up and stepped outside into the glorious sunshine! I looked around but didn't see anyone. I put the menu down slowly, got up and stepped outside into the glorious sunshine! So we went to the airport and ironically, we were all so hungry we didn't care what we ate, so on the menu was was a Post-it note with the terse message: "OUTSIDE NOW".
172  A Winter Day in the WildernessbonnieDone222/15/2021
    However I will never turn down a big bowl of Whoop-Ass! You can set it right next to this bigger can of Whoop-Ass!"
171  Oh, the weather outside is frightful...bettyDone2212/31/2020
    Nobody ever bothers you, and you have basically infinite free time. If you're into meditation, make sure you have a cup of coffee ahead of time so that you don't accidentally slip on a patch of ice and land face-first in a pile of freshly driven icy cold snow causing me to feel the need to call the airline and confirm my flight hadn't been cancelled.
170  The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!bettyDone231/13/2020
     Plus I have a bandaged hand because I cut myself with a rusty barbecue smoker borrowed from a neighbor. It would take at least 16 hours to lambaste the turkey.... I mean brine roast the turkey...too LONG !! We would have to go the tried and true route which was to pack it full of apples and hope for the best.
169  A Breath of Fresh AirbonnieDone2211/15/2019
    Just don't be heavy handed with the instruments! Chip Davis paid a lot to assemble this plethora of instruments, and you -- what? Plethora. Plethora. No, it's a word that means a tornado probably came though overnight.
168  Toiling at 3 a.m.bettyDone2210/13/2019
    3am is OK, but most people are asleep. Proper trolling has as many spectators as possible, to maximimize the trollification. you might only see 3 or 4 people. Instead, go mallwalking! While you're there, make sure you order at least one latte and sit by a window as you watch go by the wayside. And you can't help but wonder, "
167  The Reckoning of the KiwisxanderDone227/28/2019
     They got to work straightaway, searching for the lost key. If only they could find it they would be able to rescue the kangeroos trapped in the ancient ice house. We knew they were getting colder and colder all the time, and with the power out, we couldn't use the microwave to heat them up again.
166  Somebody's Gotta Do It !bettyDone227/8/2019
    I am sending her back to the manufacturer! Sending *IT* back. This was the most disappointing robotic vacuum I had ever used. 1 star! It got caught on everything! it even got stuck on logistics. Luckily, we had somebody here who knows how to ask all the right questions so we can work out a feasible plan.
165  I love Thunderstorms !bettyDone216/10/2019
    On a day when it's rainy and stormy all day, that's the best kind of day to just relax in your favorite chair, read a book and take a nap.
164  Wrapping those Christmas Presents !bettyDone231/9/2019
    It was then I finally realized as I reflected on everything that had happened, that this had truly been the best Christmas ever! And everyone vowed, "I won't stop until I get my revenge on you!" It was then I finally realized as I reflected on everything that had happened, that this had truly been the best Christmas ever!
163  Let's Set Fire to the WoodsxanderDone2112/7/2018
     I can bring roast beef sandwiches, and you can bring a few bottles of beer!
162  Some Kind of AdventurexanderDone239/10/2018
     Thankfully, Greg had saved a ton of money by switching to GEICO! And so, when we got back home, having experienced so much and learned so many lessons, we knew we would be facing life with more boldness from then on. Streaking fire fell from the sky, and portals opened in the earth, from which spilled the uncountable, writhing forms of extradimensional creatures.
161  That Garage !bettyDone228/9/2018
    He flipped the couch over violently, and once he had our attention, screamed, " NOT THOSE!!" Exasperated, I loaded my shotgun. No more screwing around. Sometimes, only brute force can solve a problem.
160  I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?bettyDone248/3/2018
    hedge after hedge after hedge... Maybe into shapes, like for instance the shape of a PAYCHECK!!!! You know that would be the ultimate experience! hedge after hedge after hedge... Maybe into shapes, like for instance the shape of a PAYCHECK!!!! Sitting at a desk with the so cool AC and a cuppa tea whenever I wanted it...
159  A large, healthy tuft of stump grassbonnieDone227/18/2018
     All alone! All it needs is a nice sunny spot and some rain now and then! Passersby may or may not care to stop and admire the large healthy tuft of iridescent green light, shimmering and floating before our eyes. It was transcendent.
158  Cleaning up after Milo the MousebettyDone217/11/2018
    I thought. "They're designed to be mousetraps, and are cute and fuzzy too." I scooped him up and went through a massive stone archway, imposing and mystical. It bridged the gap between this world and the others, and beyond it were visible incomprehensible wonders and horrors alike.
157  Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA CampusbettyDone227/6/2017
    I hadn't even considered bringing bug spray. Well, like they say, when life hands you lemons, discard the lemons; make bacon. So I picked up the tick and carried it to the entomology lab for analysis.
156  San Antonio VacationgregDone225/27/2017
    Betty exclaimed. "That's yankee territory! I don't want no yankee syrup. I may as well have this with a side of socialism and a hot mug of Bernie Sanders Uber Alles.
155  Will That Snow Ever Melt? !bettyDone212/5/2017
     Too bad your electricity went off. To keep warm, you can wrap up in layers of warm clothing.
154  Different Pizza ToppingsgregDone211/11/2017
     How pretty! Now I will take a snapshot with my new neighbors. It can be hard to come up with a combination of pizza toppings that will please everyone in the group, but if you stick olives with toothpicks on the pizza, there could be tragic results...like wasting pizza!
153  But I don't want to!bonnieDone2011/13/2016
    but then I realized he was listening to praise music on his earbuds and singing along.
152  We Need More Enthusiasm !bettyDone2210/16/2016
    This was a puzzling topic, so the group decided instead to write about "How to Generate Enthusiasm." Because they had so much experience, this was going to be extremely funny: Each person must get up, turn to the person on his right, look him in the eye, And say,"
151  Xander's New Dorm RoombonnieDone219/9/2016
     We all got to see Xander's room for the very first time! It's on the second floor, overlooking the placid lake, so blue and relaxing, and what is that swimming over the surface?
150  Trying to Keep Cool !bettyDone228/20/2016
     In fact,it was full of pin holes, or should I say teeth marks! The holes were obviously caused by a hailstorm. Serendipity! We collected the balls of ice and used them to rub the backs of the necks of the people who had passed out from the heat. As each one of them came back to consciousness, They said, "
149  The Stump VinebonnieDone214/26/2016
    I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. she said gravely, "It is real." "It's not real!" I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. she said gravely, "It is real." Irritated, I told her to quit telling me that the Stump Vine exists. "It's not real!"
148  LaundrycolleenDone204/2/2016
     Now, the only solution would be to tie-dye everything ! So I went shopping and bought 5 boxes of dye. The 5 colors I picked were black, navy blue, charcoal gray, gray, and maroon. There will be no danger of wearing dirty clothes again!
147  It's snowing!!!colleenDone292/22/2016
     One never wants to run out of Beefaroni and Coke Zero. You know before you get snowed in you should stock up on Cheetos and Cherry Smash! Get cartons of them at Costco and store them in shoeboxes which were then shoved under the bed, next to the pile of slush the dog fell into! it was actually mighty spicy!!
145  Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!bettyDone212/5/2016
    Then, nonchalantly Bonnie walked out of the airplane and down the ramp. When she got to the bottom, she dug in the sand with her hands, feverishly trying to find the return plane ticket. It had disappeared ! Maybe we should look for it in the shoe store! I know there are tons of photos to go through and sort.
144  Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!colleenDone201/10/2016
     Maybe it was because their kitchens were so well-organized. In fact, anyone could just walk in and easily help themselves to croissants, chocolate eclairs, and mugs of steaming beef stew.
143  Resolutions for the New Year !bettyDone221/9/2016
     That should really help because my nose would not stop running. How annoying. I needed not only a handkerchief but also a big box of old receipts!" The best way to tackle tedious jobs like that is to sit down with a BIG glass of wine and ponder for a while.
142  Ordering Online Christmas Presents !bettyDone2112/14/2015
     Man, I will hate to go to court and stand before the magistrate and hope you don't get thrown in jail until you paid every penny because you were cruel to your debtors and the king found about it.
141  Dual CompostersgregDone2112/13/2015
    I bet you can figure how that turned out. That's right. It turned over layer by layer as I rotated the barrel.
140  Deli BolognagregDone2211/28/2015
    Apparently someone doesn't know how to use a manual transmission. It's okay, though, they'll clean up the spill on aisle 4. Here comes the guy with the mop now ! He agilely bent over and handed a bouquet of flowers to a little girl. Surprised, she tried to scrape off the slimey skin but underneath she was shocked to find a handful of rare and fragrant Allegra roses!
139  Getting Ready for Fall !bettyDone2110/29/2015
     Unfortunately, just at the last second, I slipped in the mud and slid right into a big pile of manure. That was the last straw! He had had it! He was mad as hell, and wasn't going to take a long time to get through all that! So take a deep breath and enjoy the wonderful fall smell of burning leaves and the aromatic essence of powdered Dramamine, which helped keep my lunch down as the plane bounced and quivered its way to jump altitude.
138  SlatheragegregDone219/16/2015
    It should definitely work for slow-moving targets such as a sloth, but you could run into problems if you taught math class in middle school...hahaha. No, seriously, you would have a problem if you ran out of eggs right in the middle of preparing a tasty snack!
137  Growing Those Tomatoes !bettyDone218/1/2015
    And the surrounding area was covered in moldy gray moss that smelled like gym socks that had been stuffed with rotten onions and baby vomit. I took them and soaked them overnight.
136  Midnight snackcolleenDone216/11/2015
    Who puts that in a box of chocolate covered cherries. I picked one out and looked closely and crawling out of it, I saw a grayish-white shadow. I thought I could see through it.
135  That New Smart PhonebettyDone226/10/2015
    Why then would you not want that? Obviously, life would be easier with a million bucks. So I started taking classes on business at the local community college. I also took my time thinking up a good password. too smart for me" !! I just gave up and started playing Soda Crush.
134  NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THISgregDone246/3/2015
    Everyone was gathering into little groups to avoid talking to him. Then suddenly he came toward us and said, "I want my two dollars!" Panicking, I slept. Zzzzzzz Garfield was asleep again. Odie was just staring at him and then he decided to wash & polish his motorcycle and get it all ready to take to Texas !
133  Why me!?!!colleenDone236/3/2015
     No wonder you feel weak and you don't want to see me when I'm angry. A better course of action would be to slap him in the face! Then yell, "Don't you dare ever do anything for you ever again! I'm taking my stuff and packing it into Avon boxes and then, I am going to mail all of it to the businesses who sent me the junk mail in the first place.
132  Backyard ProjectsbettyDone225/28/2015
    That was the last straw! I needed to go to the store to buy more straws to build my custom-crafted trellis. Grabbing my car keys, I hurried up to Lowe's to buy some mulch. It was on sale !!When I checked out I had bought so many bags, the total number came to 21.
131  Cupcakes!colleenDone225/26/2015
     So good! Mmmmm. Mmmmmm gooood!!!! Mmmmmmmm! So good! Mmmmm. Mmmmmm gooood!!!! Sweat trickled down his leg and got on the beam, and when he took his next step, he closed his eyes and took the first bite.
129  Climbing Enchanted RockbettyDone215/2/2015
    It could also be caused by heavy and drenching downpours of rain which then froze over the entire Rock when the temperature suddenly dropped. The clear sky released the oppressive heat, and stars started to blink on.
128  I Need to Take a Trip !bettyDone224/16/2015
    Confident I'd be OK, I took a big bite and froze. Never in my life had I ever tasted anything so disgusting and horrible. It must have been past its expiration date! I just had to spit it out onto the lawn.
127  Bonnie's New Tutoring JobbonnieDone274/16/2015
     Getting hired is one of the biggest energy boosts ever! They say the most important thing to consider when deciding to accept a new job is whether or not to include your brief stint as a soldier of fortune. That job took you to the back room to show you where to sit and how long it will take for the next assignment.
126  Getting Ready for New Year's EvebettyDone222/18/2015
    That's why we need to get a case of Champagne. When the crowd gets here, each person will be handed a bottle and with it they will proceed to decorate the room by sprinkling it everywhere: the carpet, the tables, the chairs were all covered with cat hair!
125  New Year's ResolutionsbonnieDone2212/24/2014
     It's that time again: Get out a fresh, clean sheet of paper and a pen! Put some thought into all the good deeds you would like to do in the coming year.For instance if your neighbor needed his garbage taken to the dump, You could take it to the printer's and have it bound.
124  Get Those Presents Wrapped !bettyDone2212/24/2014
    I said, as I filled in the crossword puzzle. "Patina is the next clue," I pondered out loud, "9 letters, starts with a V."
123  We Need a Plumber !bettyDone2212/12/2014
     Open a window! Go next door and borrow a plumber's snake, the electric kind with lots of power! It's okay to rent those because they disinfect them with a substance called Liquid Nails which I bought online from a company named Tethys, after the Titaness of fresh water."
122  Christmas DecorationsbonnieDone2212/12/2014
     First I will check them by plugging them into the nearest electrical outlet. It's a trick to get the lights lined up just right, but when you do, the results are two thumbs with far too many blisters, and a back with far too acute an angle. I suppose I had to work this week.
121  I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!bettyDone2111/28/2014
    I could tell they weren't from here, they looked like they were from another planet!! I stepped cautiously toward them, and suddenly they ran up the incline as fast as they could! Bursting through the opening, they couldn't believe their eyes: the new wireless mouse was growing fur and teeth !!!!
120  The Great BeyondxanderDone219/21/2014
    A nebula suddenly appeared in my viewfinder, It was huge and did not appear on any map I had seen ! I decided to name it: Double Rainbow All the Way Across the Sky!
119  Summer bonnieDone209/21/2014
    Set up a giant lemonade stand right at the end of our driveway !! Not only would we sell lemonade, but we could also sell bags of ice.
118  Best Video Game of the Year !bettyDone228/15/2014
     We could have an all-nighter playing The Best Video Game of the Year! And I am sure they would all bring their own beer. Last time we had an all-night video game marathon, the beer alone cost me all the money I made mowing lawns all summer!
117  The best movie EVER!!!colleenDone217/18/2014
    They didn't realize that my excellent sense of hearing allowed me to pick up even the slightest nuance of sound, and my vivid imagination I never would have guessed she would DIE from it!
116  What I Saw When I Took A Walk IIgregDone235/28/2014
    I slowed my walking and waited to see whether it would fall from its own weight. Seconds ticked by, a minute...two minutes. It teetered in the breeze. Just when the tension was almost too much to bear, the elastic snapped in my sweat pants, and I had to quickly step up the pace.
115  You know...bonnieDone2311/10/2013
    They were everywhere! They must have gone through 15 boxes of Saltine crackers! After that, all they could think about was getting to Pop's before it closed, so they could each buy a ticket to ride in the new roller coaster, "Maximus Vomitorium", designed by a team of students.
114  Whatever is on your mind !bettyDone2410/27/2013
    I was halfway through getting an upgrade for my level 1 Floor Sweeper. To get to level 2 he has to upgrade his shoes; one way to do this is to plod along methodically, but some people work better after they have cleansed their systems with special vegetarian drinks made with pureed kale.
113  Nursery RhymegregDone2210/24/2013
    The secret to winning the eating contest is, before the start bell sounds, separate out all the smallest lambs to put into the new Minecraft corral handily built by none other than Jack!
112  Global Warming !bettyDone268/19/2013
    In fact, over their noses they may have to wear tinfoil hats to protect them from the mind-reading satellites used by an ancient civilization to battle aliens. It used gravity wells and quantum tunneling to launch giant blue whales from every port in the country, in celebration of the Year of Cheese!
110  Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !bettyDone224/19/2013
    It was the last cake in the entire world of the once-fabled Hostess cake company.
109  ThanksgivingbonnieDone1912/19/2012
    I opened the phone book to look for Christmas presents. she exclaimed, "It's not even Thanksgiving yet, and already you're behind schedule!"
108  I Blew Up My Lab!gregDone2110/26/2012
    Gasp! He had to get out! He had to order pizza to be delivered to the lab and the toppings were a choice from four: The four edible choices were BBQ beef brisket, chicken tetrazini, grilled salmon, or a Popburger.
107  Christmas Shopping IIIbettyDone212/11/2012
    Then you know what happens! I have to poop! But the only way to get to town to go shopping was to hitchhike!
106  Let's Organize Your Garage !bettyDone227/25/2011
    For the love of all that's holy, don't bump them! That's a good egg. Now also watch out for jugs of dirty car oil, because if you were to accidentally kick one over, your foot would probably end up kicking the butt of somebody who just wandered into your garage and started messing everything up.
105  Christmas Shopping IIgregDone212/24/2011
    I retorted. "I don't want the malls to close until midnight! Because then I will have time to start shopping for Groundhog Day!!!!!!!!!!"
103  Zombie Attack!gregDone226/10/2010
    The zombie lumbered off and I knew I had to beef up my defenses in a big way. So I added a whole line of new models of subcompacts. They're inexpensive, have great fuel economy, and just as importantly you must have lots of sunflowers.
102  The Art of DeclutteringbettyDone218/4/2009
    Anything that didn't get sold would become kindling for the bonfire that would be against my better judgment to put the white underwear into the same drawer as the colored butterflies streamed through the sewer line so fast that everyone thought, "
101  The hathood of the traveling brown hat.rhondaDone213/20/2009
    But this wouldn't help me find the hat. What I needed was a big eagle's feather! That would look so cool on my hat. I got on the internet and ordered one from this company called "
100  The Nephews come to VisitgregDone2212/9/2008
    We also went from level 1 to level the concrete slab so that the new gazebo would not be crooked.
99  Laser Eye SurgerygregDone2010/3/2008
    i 2 Eye", by Michael W. Smith. Despite the title, the album doesn't have anything to do with eyes or vision, unlike another one of Michael's albums, titled "Visions of broken blood veins and serrated mucous membranes."
98  Abiathar the Superhero!gregDone214/27/2007
    That ploy would never work, because a hero gets tired of going to the hospital over and over!
97  My New Video Game!bettyDone213/13/2007
    I knew it was full of video games which I had ordered. I'm so skilled at 'em they only last a few days, max.
96  Fixing up my GardengregDone221/29/2007
     The packet I needed was still in the garage in the bucket next to the burning pile, where I throw all the weeds and pine needles and other detritus that needs to get burned up.
95  Rearranging My New Tech RoombettyDone221/31/2007
     They would love this pretty new space complete with not one but two cores per CPU, giving it inherent multiprocessing power.
94  Speeding Down the HighwaybettyDone2112/4/2006
    A golden drop of perspiration gently made a rivulet down my forehead and off the tip of my spoiler! That's how slippery this car is. It moves through air like a hot knife through butter. Like a tax hike in a Democrat controlled Congress."
93  Having SurgerygregDone2012/1/2006
    "I hope you have a good insurance policy, because you are SURELY going to need it!" This bold statement caused a huge increase in his medical malpractice insurance premiums.
92  Accountant at WorkgregDone214/1/2006
    When he heard the news, he fell forward on his desk forgetting that right in front of his face was his leftover lunch, a big bowl of candies for visitors to help themselves to.
91  What I Saw When I Took a WalkbettyDone213/31/2006
    As soon as possible, I needed to go really bad! I could the pressure building in my lower abdomen. If I waited any longer I would poop on myself!
90  Learning a Foreign LanguagegregDone222/4/2006
    Shocked, he picked his beret out of the muddy gutter, shook it off and put it on his resume. This will surely impress them! They'll be so impressed they will spew! Just kidding, of course, but who knows, you may end up in Swaziland, in a dark jungle, surrounded by insipid but angry Frenchmen frothing epithets at us proudly patriotic Americans.
89  Putting out Christmas LightsbettyDone212/3/2006
    It became the Christmas Toast. We put it in hyperdrive and watched with glee, when it started to spark and sizzle from all the electricity coursing through it. I could hear the whine of the power meter dials spinning.
88  Lazor Beam HydragregDone2212/16/2005
     In fact, it actually smelled like fertilizor! Confused, I said, " Please don't eat me! I promise to stay out of your way, and believe me, you'll never know that I used a degreazor! It looks brand new! It's so sparkly, it must be alive!
87  Concert at Chrysler HallbettyDone2112/14/2005
    He cracked his knuckles and proceded to sing their little hearts out. and then they weren't sure what to do with the toothpicks. Nonchalantly, they looked around for the nearest restroom, not wanting to look in dire need, even though they certainly felt satisfied!
86  Touring EuropebonnieDone2112/13/2005
     I sure didn't want to end up there! The driver was chatting incessantly and I was sure she wasn't the real tour guide. She didn't seem to know much about the countryside, nor did she know much about the practice of rounding up American tourists and pressing them into slave labor.
85  Christmas ShoppingbettyDone2212/1/2005
     But before we got there, we stopped at Starbucks to get revved up. I ordered a quad shot espresso - only problem was by the time we got to the store, my hands were skipping over the keypad like a skilled pianist playing Chopin. I had entered my Visa number so many times, I got a rubber stamp instead.
84  Working at McDonald'sgregDone2112/1/2005
    Bill exclaimed. the customer replied smugly. "It's legal tender. See? It says right here: "This product may contain peanuts and for those persons with allergies, it may cause severe difficulty in operating a vehicle or other heavy equipment!" I considered this innovation.
83  Trip to the Pumpkin PatchsherryDone2211/7/2005
     Now, the only thing left to do is pick up all the pumpkins, and give them to eat whatever was left and that would be, of course, at least a dozen doughnuts!
82  test2gregDone249/16/2015
    Here, hold my Silly-Putty(tm) while I give you another test. Sit down quickly and write your name at the top of your game. Because clothes make the man. That's why I wear dorky clothes and spike my hair with glittery gel. Who knows?
81  Going Into Space IIgregDone2110/28/2005
    In less than one minute we would look out the window and see whether we can make the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs.
80  Taking Computer ClassbettyDone2010/27/2005
     Ah just kidding! The new teacher was quite a knock-out! Really! Her hair was silver blonde and reached all the way to her cell phone, to call her geeky son.
79  Cooking Show IIgregDone219/27/2005
    With a maniacal howl, he headed straight for the audience and handed out free samples. Kent then fired up the golf cart and careened off the stage, knocking pans and lampstands and gaffers everywhere. With a maniacal howl, he headed straight for the audience and handed out free samples.
78  Potty Training the TwinsbettyDone219/24/2005
     They drew pictures of monsters that will scare the poop out of them!!! Hahaha! We put them in the bathtub because it's just easier to wipe two bottoms at the same time. To do this, you just need a lot of patience.
77  Noisy NeighborsbonnieDone219/23/2005
     They must be major weightlifters because that's exactly what it sounds like: dumbells on the floor next to my barbell and other weight equipment.
76  Driving Across CountrybettyDone229/16/2005
    The car was packed to the gills with all sorts of gear for the trip: camera, food, maps, you name it.
75  NASCAR DaysgregDone219/9/2005
     Nobody but nobody wants to be in a fiery wreck and only be wearing a Kevlar vest and boxer briefs. There is no A/C in a race car, and it gets pretty darn hot in the cabin. The vest, of course, is for protection. That way, in case you roll over you will always land right side up again, which is why you must always make sure your safety harness is correctly fastened.
74  Conserving WaterbonnieDone229/9/2005
     Or if it's really raining, then you better run out with every bowl or bucket you have. It may be your only chance to go to the bathroom before we do our one and only daily flush. And when you go be sure you ask the customer service person there, how to install a low-flow toilet. They save so much water, and they work just as well as the traditional kind.
73  The Best Diet Ever!sherryDone218/31/2005
    Every time I see them my appetite goes through the roof! I could eat them all day, breakfast lunch and dinner. That's why I always go to the salad bar. Then I can pick out veggies that have the lowest number of meals per day. It's good to keep track of the total number of inches lost around the waist.
72  What a Yard Sale!bettyDone208/23/2005
     It would take half the night to count all the coins! When it is time to go to the bank, I am sure we will NEVER MISS any of this stuff! It feels SO GOOD to relax now and do my yoga exercises! I am so limber I bet I could put my foot under my bra.
71  Test PilotgregDone218/17/2005
    As soon as he saw him, he recognized him from his old high school days! Imagine seeing him again, here, after all these years! It sure is a small fire button!
70  A Day in the Life of a DorksherryDone218/14/2005
    she said, "I just can't relax unless I know that you have other clothes to wear besides one bearing logos and movie quips from Star Wars, Star Trek, Tron and Hackers, I'll never go out with you!"
69  Time for a Checkup!bonnieDone218/3/2005
    I could not afford to have them do that diagnostic test, so I told him, "That's okay, I probably don't need both kidneys. I'm not very big so I must not have that much blood to filter, right?" The doctor sighed and took out the tongue depressor and inserted it into the patient's file.
68  Building My New Cat CondobettyDone217/10/2005
    And I had a coupon for $1 off so he had to give me 11 cents back. Muhahaha! They'll never figure it out! They'll see little toy mice dangling from the penthouse roof. They will just love all the neat ideas I have come up with for their entertainment.
67  Putting Up WallpapergregDone216/12/2005
     I was going to need a lot more spit to get this job done. As I prepared the next strip, I suddenly has the urge to pee. But the toilet had been removed! So I went upstairs and screamed to let out the frustration. Then I went back downstairs and fixed myself a meatball lunch pocket.
66  My Newest Home Improvement Project!bettyDone205/17/2005
    Now take this toothbrush and clean the encrusted roach poop from around the doorways. What a job! I would rather have a masonry bit shoved up my butt than have to use these crappy tools again! Come on, we're almost finished! Just a few more nails into the roof shingles and we will be sure to use the right tool this time.
65  Phone CallbonnieDone215/9/2005
     Don't hang up! I want to be sure I got it. Just hold on a second while I answer my cell phone........oh, and now there goes my beeper! well, you know the rest of the neighborhood will shortly know all about it if you tell her.
64  Airline PilotgregDone214/23/2005
    As pure jet fuel sprayed into the turbine combustion chambers, their heads snapped back as the pilot yelled, "yeeee-oouch!...that's gonna hurt in the morning".
63  I'm Not In It For The...bonnieDone214/6/2005
    I'm also a plumber and I really like going under people's houses. You can find some strange things, like one time I found a fly in my soup so I killed the whole town. Another time I totally uppercut some guy because he opened a window." Now that's what I call a breakfast drink!
62  Hosting a Cooking ShowbettyDone214/12/2005
    Got your expensive Ginsu knives?? Great. Take them out and smile with satisfaction at that golden-brown glazed finish! Next, add 12 ounces of diced beef.
61  Ain't It Cool?gregDone224/7/2005
    You'll see what I mean after you blow your nose a few times. I know you will sound like a foghorn, and that will mean that you will need to put some totally awesome detailing on your car. We're talking flames comin' out of the freakin' wheel wells, a Confederate flag on either side, and the hood a big ol' skull ring -- solid silver!
60  Competing with Starbuck'sbonnieDone214/2/2005
    With that, she turned around and punched her in the face as hard as she could. She flipped right over the counter!
59  My First Ocean CruisebettyDone213/28/2005
    and chuckled nervously. Our best course of action was to put on life jackets right away and line up next to the lady in the fancy hat.
58  Captain UnderpantsgregDone213/23/2005
    Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time! But there wasn't time to even think! My face was reddening by the second. Before much longer I would surely be able to flush it all down with this high-flow toilet!
57  New Year's Resolutions!bonnieDone213/18/2005
     Why, you would have to walk at least 100 FEET if you park this far away! What are you thinking? Look at all those spots closer to the door!" He was irritated. Calmly, she answered, "I'm thinking if we ate nothing but lettuce and skim milk for a month we may look good for the St.
56  Saturday Morning's Cartoon MarathonbettyDone213/13/2005
    Oliver goes on strike, and as a result Mr. has to step in and crush the resistance which happened to be the shotgun-toting tomato, Bob. It's Veggie Tales: Garden Guerillas. In the first episode, Ren and Stimpy challenged Mr. T to a knock-down, drag-out fight to the finish. There was utter pandemonium until Mr.
55  Spy Base AlphagregDone213/8/2005
     I don't know who, but someone needed to return to earth to get supplies. We were too quickly running out of everything: bottled water, powdered milk, and freeze-dried corpses of agents of years past.
54  Texas WinterbonnieDone203/3/2005
     The kids were having a lot of fun batting them back and forth, but finally I had to call out to them, "Hey! We're here to relax! Those beach balls are just too big!
53  Christmas Shopping - 2004bettyDone202/26/2005
    and buy a notepad for myself, so I can write down a list of people to whom we must send boxes of processed cheese and hard sausages. We must get those orders out right away! You know everyone just loves those boxes of styrofoam peanuts. Find someone who has a fan blowing in their room, dump the box, and watch the fun!
52  Modeling AgencygregDone212/21/2005
    Trump if he will sponsor our expo. we'll be able to afford all the makeup we will ever need. And big mirrors too.
51  All I Need Is...bonnieDone212/16/2005
     Of course everyone knows in addition to trays of sugary pastries, you should add bountiful numbers of rose petals to your bath! That will help you smile and feel so special! That's such a relaxing and beautiful big pouffy couch. Come and sit on it, and you will feel the stress leave your body quickly.
50  My Summer at the Archeological DigbettyDone212/11/2005
     I considered that, but decided it would be better to just hand it to him and let him put it in his pipe and smoke it.
49  Shopping at Lowe'sgregDone202/6/2005
    I had enough to make two layers. And then I wallpapered the bathroom with all my receipts from Lowe's... I had enough to make two layers. The driver groaned, "That's gotta hurt!"
48  Anorexia TherapybonnieDone212/1/2005
    You can finally eat whatever you please, whenever you please, even if it means you see the number on the scale go up one! It's O.K. Just throw out all your mirrors, and get those Amusement Park ones that make you look fatter than you really are.
47  Building My New House!bettyDone231/27/2005
    We'd been so busy tearing down the neighbors' hedges so we have room to expand. The swimming pool will go there, the miniature golf course there, and the toolshed had to be demolished to make room for the new inground swimming pool which would be reinforced with steel, 3 inches thick.
46  Ultimate Ninja IIgregDone211/22/2005
     I was terrified! I screamed out for several long minutes, the elation of victory like electricity shooting through my body.
45  Election Day!bettyDone211/17/2005
    I answered, "As a matter of fact, I do have clean hands and a pure heart, and I have not lifted up my hand to vote for John Kerry. Can you do better than that?" but he pledged allegiance to communism. Then John Edwards told him, "It would really be to your advantage to settle on one candidate, especially the one who wanted to lower taxes and advocated more refreshments for the people who went to the trouble to come out to vote!
44  A Day in the Life of...bonnieDone201/12/2005
     Always eating all their expensive IAMS and bowls of sugar! SUGAR! Right there next to the hill! We couldn't believe it! Such a concentration of food in such close proximity!
43  High School CarwashgregDone201/7/2005
     Then we took both ends and twisted them into mangled balls of metal. The giant robot then kicked them out of his way, like soccer balls made of tin foil.
42  Pushed Over the EdgebonnieDone211/2/2005
    Lights started flashing red, white, and blue! It was the Presidential Parade! And here came the President himself riding in a strange car, wearing a strait jacket.
41  Cleaning Out the GaragebettyDone2112/28/2004
     That stuff has no life left. It needs to go to the auto dealership, because if I'm going to be able to park my car in this clean and roomy garage, I'm going to want it to be a new one!" Looking back, it was a job made in hell. Yeah, and there's no beans about it. That stuff has no life left.
40  HULK SMASH!gregDone2012/23/2004
    Luckily no one was eating at the time. The smell was horrific. Everyone made a dive for the only door.
39  Joining the PTAbonnieDone2012/18/2004
     I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. The voice of the people will not be ignored!
38  Going to the County FairbettyDone2012/13/2004
    He shoveled some baked beans on my plate and one big greasy hog jowl. I looked down and could feel my breakfast coming up. I quickly leaned over and threw up, deftly avoiding potentially lethal food poisoning.
37  News at 11gregDone2012/8/2004
     I'm Tannie McCool, and you're watching News at 11. Our top story tonight is "Back to School!"
36  Investigating VegetarianismbonnieDone2112/3/2004
     So flush it out with some oat bran! Unless you want to die early! Add oat bran to your oatmeal! Add it to your yogurt! he said as he took another bite of his steak. It was clear she wasn't going to eat hers either, so he reached over and grabbed the salad dressing, saying, "If I'm going to eat nothing but salad for lunch, I'm going to need more salt and pepper.
35  Boppy's Trip to TexasbettyDone2111/28/2004
    I love the smell of cedar. You can just sit in the shade of the trees and enjoy the breeze and listen to the crunching of the tacos, the sloshing of the margaritas, and the sizzling of the fajitas. Ah what sounds of San Antonio-- together with the unforgettable smell of refried beans, tortillas and salsa!
34  Dance ClassbonnieDone2111/23/2004
    So she tried it, and her classmates didn't know whether to be impressed or amused. Her ability to spin on her toes was phenomenal.
33  The Minotaur KinggregDone2111/18/2004
    So many dangers beset us, we scarcely conceived of ever making it through the maze alive.
32  The Bizarre BazaarbonnieDone2011/13/2004
     I grabbed it quickly because I wanted to add it to my collection. I tried it out too. While I was whirling it around my waist, I started to feel nostalgia for the carefree days of my youth, once so far away, but now closer for seeing the whole collection of Scooby Doos all in one place was amazing!
31  My Trip Around the WorldbettyDone2111/8/2004
     "This will hit the spot! This is good for an appetizer. What's the main course?" I am sorry to say the natives are offering us sauteed monkey brains. I really don't recommend eating that! You know what it will do to you.
30  Downtown PrecinctgregDone2211/3/2004
    The sargeant will have our heads in we don't find them! Man! They were engraved with the signature of my arch-enemy, Boy Zinn Thehood!!"
29  Growing Up on a FarmbettyDone2110/29/2004
     To limber myself up I scampered up the ladder into the hay loft and jumped up and down in the hay. Then I took a flying leap into the big pile of you-know-what! You can't get away from that on a farm, you know!
28  The Dinosaur WorldbonnieDone2110/24/2004
     That's when we heard it: birdlike calls, a sound like distant rumbling thunder, and the snapping, cracking sound of large trees falling. We didn't know what it was and adrenalin surged as we all jumped to our feet. Immediately we saw Jeff Goldblum! We wanted to get his autograph, but he ran right past us, screaming in terror.
27  Gardening with BettygregDone2010/19/2004
     It's okay. Getting dirty is half the fun. The smell of the fertile earth is like the perfume of the Garden of Eden. There is no better smell except for the smell of tulips, lavender, and freshly cut grass. Oh yes, and don't forget the fresh-baked biscuits that were brought to us by UPS, the BROWN people.
26  On the Open RoadbonnieDone2110/14/2004
     But all of a sudden there was a big pop, a spluttering, and the sound of an army of motorcycle with the mufflers removed. "What?!" she shouted. "I can't hear you!" He couldn't hear her, either, but he knew she was talking because her lips were moving. But he could not hear her!
25  The International VillagebonnieDone2110/9/2004
    Molly said. "But if you think I'm going to tell you, you are crazier than a bedbug. You need to figure out the answer yourself; so go to the library, and look for a book about Sun Tzu, author of The Art of War.
24  Weekend in ParisgregDone2110/4/2004
    As we entered the familiar halls of the Louvre, we picked up a museum map and headed for the location of the Mona Lisa. We found her and as we stood gazing at that famous little smile, a gentleman next to us made this comment about her, "
23  Xander Goes ShoppingbettyDone229/29/2004
    I'm really getting tired and hungry. I want a Brown Mule. Let's go find an ice cream freezer in this place, and look in it to see if we can find some quarters so we can play a few final video games before we have to go."
22  Fart DictionarybonnieDone219/24/2004
     Why do you fart, anyway? Maybe it's to interrupt conversations with long drawn-own guttural (Yeah from the gut to be sure!) sounds that brought with them whisps of sickening smells that were sure to make even a strong man wilt like a flower that's been in the sun too long.
21  Boot CampgregDone219/19/2004
     "Awright you maggots! My name's Sergeant Furlman and I'm here to tan your namby-pamby hides until you're whipped into shape. Maybe then you can a member of this man's army." Seargeant Furlman was intimidating enough even without his gigantic handlebar mustache, but the fact that he would twirl the ends of it when he was mad at us always gave us a warning that bad things were coming.
20  Good Old Pop's Drive-inbettyDone219/14/2004
     There was no escape. The joyful ringing of their laughter reached all the way to Route 17. Traffic was stopping just to listen. Pretty soon the whole parking lot was full of chicken nuggets!
19  Going Back to CollegebettyDone219/9/2004
    "Go down that hall and take the third right, the take a quick left, to down the stairs, go through the double doors then down the hall, take the first right, the second left, up the single flight of steps, and then you will be in jail!
18  If You Give a Mouse a CookiebonnieDone219/4/2004
    I listen to it nice and loud, and it rocks me to sleep, no pun intended! But the mice hate it. The mice also hate it when their fur is rubbed the wrong way. Fortunately for them few creatures including humans ever get the chance to do this. Only one person is the exception to this rule, and that person would be Mr.
17  Our Summer VacationbettyDone218/30/2004
     It will cool you off and you will feel much better. Then after that you can find a good place to take a shower! Scrub off the slime and grime of a sweaty, dusty day. There's nothing like freshening up after a long wait in the line for the "Vomitous Maximus Tilt-O-Whirl", we finally got to ride it!
16  Trapped in a MinegregDone218/25/2004
     "I wish we had a stereo. Then we could listen to tunes while waiting to be rescued." "Are you nuts?!" I exclaimed. "How can you think about food at a time like this? Do you realize our first priority is AIR?"
14  Our Visit to the LibrarybonnieDone218/15/2004
     I shouted. "Stay still and don't move a muscle. The sniper has a laser scope focused right on your forehead." I wondered if I was fast enough to try to run for it, but we tried to talk him out of it, because if they saw him, it would give us all away.
13  Stress Reduction TechniquesbonnieDone238/10/2004
     Are there any more suggestions from the audience? said the old man in the back. "Take a nap every afternoon." After I take a nap, I always feel like killing somebody! That was when I knew I had to lie down quickly and start my bio-feedback session. That was the only thing that worked for me to help me feel calm again, and it helped me also to feel sympathy for homeless people.
12  My New Job at Burger KingbettyDone208/5/2004
    What kind of meat? No one knew! It was stored in the ice cabinet marked "meat", right next to the fry basket in hot oil!
11  Cooking with GrandmabettyDone227/31/2004
    This will pep you up: a nice hot cup of hot tea! What in the world else would a Grandma have at the end of a long day........or at the beginning of a short one?!
10  Ultimate NinjagregDone227/26/2004
    With that, he jumped into the air doing a phoenix burning somersault, and launched himself into a flying killer leap, landing on his arch enemy and completely smashing his record for number of enemies smashed with a single swing of his Bayou Croc Crescent Kick. But what's that sound? It was his arch-enemy approaching!
 Wall Street BluesgregDone227/16/2004
    Extending his hand, Greg expected a benefits package which includes prescription and dental.
 Going into SpacebettyDone217/11/2004
     Who would have believed that we, untrained as astronauts, could really take a trip to the hobby store, to see what the biggest rocket motor available was.
 Ye Olde Medieval DaysbettyDone217/1/2004
    The enemies were pouring across the hillsides, and they were all wearing clothes that were way too lightweight for the unexpected turn of events which had placed them here, shivering, being splashed with icy hot oil poured from the castle walls.
 Barrister the Lawyer CatbettyDone216/26/2004
     The prosecutor, Miss Na Tasha scrambled up fuming. She dove at Barrister with claws extended. The fur did fly. even tried to intervene, but he was stomped on by Godzilla. Squish! Moments later the city came under attack by the whole host of jurors. Pandemonium ensued in the courtroom!
 The Big ConundrumbettyDone216/21/2004
    Unfortunately, the force of it caused an explosion of monumental proportions! Everyone stood in fearful amazement wondering if they would be doomed to live the rest of their lives up in branches of this oak tree. Finally, they spilled out into the aisles of the auditorium and all threw their hats into the air.
 Woo baby!gregDone216/16/2004
    Greg exclaimed as the speedometer passed 120. His Dodge Viper showed no signs of complaint, as it began to thunder and rain heavily; so much so that the roof began to lift off from the extreme high pressure inside the house.
 Big ComputergregDone186/11/2004
    Now they would all be rich! They could buy whatever they wanted! They would never be poor again! And the first thing they decided to buy was a life insurance policy, because they knew they would not live forever.