Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022     PASSWORD=geroniusAh, the yellow daffodils, the purple lilac, the white dogwoods, the magenta azaleas...all lift up your heart and make you feel alive! Take a deep breath-- and pray that your antihistamine is working, because I think you just inhaled more pollen than air! And small wonder, too. 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021      It is so cozy and wraps you in fuzzy warmth and makes you feel as if you might not have washed these pants as well as you should have. 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021      It was morning. The light was soft and gray, low in the sky. The snowfall of the previous days dampened the sound; there was only a slight rustling of tree branches as the wind brushed over the hills. The fresh cold air stung his nose as as he pulled up his snuggly warm scarf mask. 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020      This one, for as-yet unclear reasons, had a duffel bag filled to bursting with arms and ammunition. We were concerned, to say the least, but we couldn't deny that the in-flight safety briefing was really funny, even funnier than some of the Southwest Airlines ones we saw on Youtube. 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020     Dang them straight to heck. But anyway, that's okay because we'll fry it later. So, as for sides, we wanted Greg's famous Sweet Potato Casserole, Bonnie's famous Homemade Stuffing, and most of all, Xander's famous bread! 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019      Someone else does it for him, just as when he wants to sit down, what do you think happens?? He realized he broke a string in the last movement! he mentally mumbled to himself. 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019      Whew! This itemization for homeowner's insurance was going to take FOREVER! category for an hour and I wasn't even halfway through! 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     who knew when it would be time to refill my soda cup? I knew. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019     I am sending her back to the manufacturer! Sending *IT* back. This was the most disappointing robotic vacuum I had ever used. 1 star! It got caught on everything! it even got stuck on logistics. Luckily, we had somebody here who knows how to ask all the right questions so we can work out a feasible plan. 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019      Almost like I was back at wrestling training camp in Louisville, Kentucky. 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019     They would be so impressed with my new toy' When they arrived they looked at my grand display and with great enthusiam, they said, " Good king Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen!" The entire room erupted in song! We raised our glasses and forgot all about the present wrapping, and joined in with singing and dancing. 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018     It spoke no English, but followed orders well. He was also very mannerly. I could take lessons from him, because I want to change the name of this story to "Who's Sorry Now?!"When Xander heard that, he balled up his fist and smashed the walnut as hard as he could. 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018      He'll probably say, "You dunderhead! Obviously it's because I did not have a flying carpet when I needed one!" 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018      What to do?? Well you have to start somewher' Why not start in this corner where there is an unnecessary collection of used tissues. I couldn't discard them, because what if the Illuminati found them and extracted my DNA from the snot? I would end up calling the Alex Jones show from a hidden location, probably located a big pile of possum poop in a hidden corner. 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018     The lecture continued for a few hours, until finally the sinks were all full of nice hot soapy water all ready for me to wash! But first, all I need for preparation is clean fingernails and a big smile. All the customers will surely think I am a real man because I could handle sweeping the parking lot in the midday sun! 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018      There's nothing more enjoyable than seeing all the full, healthy, verdant growth of summer. Especially when finding it where you least expect to find a skunk baby. Ohhh, poor little thing! All alone! All it needs is a nice sunny spot and some rain now and then! 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018      Nor should you neglect to shine a flashlight into all the dark corners. A clean, clear smell of fresh mouse urine....ahhhh! Milo must be nearby! Maybe he is resting in a soft bowl of potpourri to freshen the air. Now all that's required to make everything perfect is celebrate good times, come on! 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017      With their youthful energy and can-do attitude, nothing could stop the students from rioting about the demolition of the omelet bar. NO !! What to do?? They, to a man, all decided to rush the stage. It was pandemonium! Chairs were flying, fists were flying, and threats were splashed across the campus center walls with hot pink paint. 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017     I yelled. "What are we supposed to sprinkle on our tacos, for crying out loud?! 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      I am sure he won't mind if we use it to insulate the garden from the cold. Another good way to do that would be to sprinkle that special salt all over the road. That makes driving safer because I was wearing my hiking boots that had traction straps stretched around them. These featured steel posts that would dig into the ice so you can melt the snow so you can flush your toilet! 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017      Then there is the delicious fruit pizza! Sugar cookie crust with strawberries, kiwi fruit, pineapple all arranged in a pattern of pleasing proportions. The cheese should go on first, though. If you put the cheese on last, the vegetables will get sour and moldy if you leave them out of the frig too long. 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016      Now we're stocked up for some New Year's Eve stompin' noisy fun! Now all we need are some light refreshments and light classical music. Hey! foam fingers and their goofy hats with the springy antennas. politicians, but true to form, they proceeded to just laugh and point and not help at all. 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016      Other than that, who would be there? Maybe some hopeful whiners and a few frowning judges. It's always a boost to the self-confidence when the person in charge starts ranting and raving, maybe someone needs to pour on his head a bucket of vomit! 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016     Welcome to Engineering Country!Now proceed into the Student Center where you will be issued a tote bag full of water guns. The pool party should be fun!" Of course there will be a need for towels to wipe up the floor after the shaving cream fight! 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016     Smashing chairs, flipping over tables, drinking liquor after drinking beer, queuing up Taylor Swift songs on the jukebox, it was complete bedlam. 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016     I didn't want to break the bad news, but police could show up at any minute! When they get here, we will make our favorite hamburger strogonoff using ground up stumps. The result is a very useful mulch. Put all of it in the back of the truck and take it to the dump! And while you are there, make sure you pick up some latticework or fishing line because as the vine grows, it wraps around everything in its path and starts choking the other plants when then in desperation they start to prune it, they don't know such actions are misguided. 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016     Actually, I meant the the white clothes should be separated from the red, but I forgot and washed them together! When I took them out of the washer, they were all the color of a cloudy winter sky. Now, the only solution would be to tie-dye everything ! So I went shopping and bought 5 boxes of dye. 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016     Well, we decided to find the long underwear which would help me build a pink fence around my two cows so they don't wander away from my base! The last time they did that, they got incinerated by the laser turrets on Greg's base!! He's such a meanie! 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016      We were greatly anticipating Bonnie's annual January visit! So besides vacuuming the whole house, we also decided to rearrange the chess pieces while she's not looking. Then, nonchalantly Bonnie walked out of the airplane and down the ramp. 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      In fact, I had to turn on the fan because the dog's gas emissions were overwhelming. That was effective, and I was able to get on with my work selling potholders door to door. Everyone loved the red and yellow ones. Maybe it was because their kitchens were so well-organized. 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016     Who knew organic farming could be so aggravating that I decided to rewrite the whole list. Starting again with #1, I pledged to try again. Determined, I sat down and finally got to #10! I resolve to refrain from eating bowl after bowl of baked beans. 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015      Woo hoo!!" It's like free money!! and who would that be? !! That would be SANTA!! The only one who delivers more Christmas presents than UPS! 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015     so we decided to get a second composter. We started by putting in kitchen scraps. Over time, the bugs, the beetles, and the worms digested the compost, and quietly turned it into rich soil. 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015      Surprised, she tried to scrape off the slimey skin but underneath she was shocked to find a handful of rare and fragrant Allegra roses! 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015     he yelled over the noise of the plane's engines. "Now get ready for the fall!" He roughly shoved me toward the edge of the precipice. Talk about getting ready to fall! Getting ready for falling? Thinking fast, I ran down the hill trying to stay ahead of the rolling pumpkin. 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015      Be sure to make it strong enough so you can trap large prey. It should definitely work for slow-moving targets such as a sloth, but you could run into problems if you taught math class in middle school...hahaha. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     But then I spied flying across the full moon, a big hulking tomato like I had never seen! I couldn't believe my eyes! As I cautiously walked closer, a flock of birds which came closer and closer, flew over the tomatoes, came back, flew down and plucked every single tomato off the vines and then flew away !! 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     They were rude, slovenly, and told rambling, barely-coherent stories about parasites. You should be careful about what you watch on TV before you go to bed. It might give you bad breath and terrible indigestion. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015     Like the time when he says, "I'm sorry but your son-in-law has cancelled your phone service. We can start a new contract for you and bill it to the nearest patriarch." Another important thing to think about is how are you going to protect your phone from accidental impacts? 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     Boooooo Wooooo was that an excellent comeback or what?! Wheeee we said as we sailed down the waterslide straight into a big pool of water mixed with just enough corn starch to Eat. Whaaaaat are you saying? You think I'm stupid? Well I will show you! 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015     Instead they should think how they would feel in that situation. Only then can a person really have the courage to stand up before an audience and give a rallying speech. Make sure you have good posture and have a glass of water hidden under the blankets. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015      Xander wanted to melt some aluminum cans, so he started by building a big round table for the knights of King Arthur! They had all gathered to dump and spread the compost all over the ground. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015      Into that, sprinkle some delicately iced with pastel swirls of curled ribbon. 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     Aaaaahhh! We must have a detached retina or something!! It could also be caused by heavy and drenching downpours of rain which then froze over the entire Rock when the temperature suddenly dropped. The clear sky released the oppressive heat, and stars started to blink on. 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015      After I walked through the metal detector, I heard someone say, " Mind The Gap!" His authoritative tone irked me, so I took particular care in minding who was sitting next to me. 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015     Those crazy kids need more medications for their birthdays! Each person gets to pick a teacher to go home with.....we pick Miss Bonnie! It's also hard to get anything posted on Facebook! Those crazy kids need more medications for their birthdays! 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     Popular Science, Popular Mechanics, Family Handyman, as well as buckets of confetti, streamers, and plenty of loud outfits that we got from the thrift store. They were cheap, but smelled like peppermint cocoa....yum !! 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014      You know, nobody ever changed the world by sitting on a stack of steaming hot pancakes. and drizzle them with Sriracha hot sauce! And habanero sauce! And Colleen's kick-yo-ass hot sauce! Maybe then it will be easier to accomplish.The first rule of making a good resolution is to make it specific. 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014     "Uvula," I said, as I filled in the crossword puzzle. "Patina is the next clue," I pondered out loud, "9 letters, starts with a V." I looked around for help, and there, just out of reach, was just what I needed: more Scotch tape! I looked in the different drawers to find some and in my search I found ten bottles of beer on the wall, ten bottles of beer! 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014     As they jumped into the pool, the spray stung my eyes and my nose! Blind and coughing, I flailed around, reaching for the plunger, I gritted my teeth, closed my eyes, and put all my strength into crushing the walnuts with my bare hands.... 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014     "I'm a high-class dude, so I require REAL POWER." I stared quizzically at Vladimir Putin, who was in turn staring intensely at a full-size horse and licking his lips. 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     It is possible and it will save your hands from getting that dreaded Ebola virus! 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014      Bring some comic books. But the funniest suggestion of all was to don't even worry about it, just go ahead and take some time to consider who you want to take with you. Maybe one choice would be Mr. T. I pity the fool! 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     It boasted a supersize Beefsteak tomato that must have weighed 10 pounds each. "How could you think we would need this much sun tan lotion?!! 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014      What a bad game ending!!! But what an awesome game. What the hell?!?!?! What a bad game ending!!! But what an awesome game. And with that, the screen went blank!! What the hell?!?!?! What a bad game ending!!! But what an awesome game. 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     He gasped, and reached for his can of mace! Everyone dived under their seats, and immediately someone switched on the vacuum cleaner. But it was so loud, we couldn't hear the movie! "HEY!! SHUT THAT OFF!" I yelled. Then some other people also stood up, put their hands over their hearts, and with great gusto, they sang " 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     So I kept going until I reached the end of of the road...and there was the sun setting in a gorgeous display of orange and gold !! I had come too far and seen too much to stop now! So I kept going until I reached the end of of the road...and there was the sun setting in a gorgeous display of orange and gold !! 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013      One must get rid of them by voting for the Republican candidate! Do you want more freedom? Want a return to the moral, family values that made this country great? Then you need to put your feet up sometimes. It smells like victory and then, when you least expect to find roly poly bugs in the flower pots. 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     Get on him, before he prepared the meal. Good hygiene is always optional when skydiving. It's not like anyone can smell you at 10,000 feet! 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     Peter picked a peck of pickled quail eggs. The secret to winning the eating contest is, before the start bell sounds, separate out all the smallest lambs to put into the new Minecraft corral handily built by none other than Jack! 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     We went to the dealership, looked into the showroom, and we saw a brand spanking new Interstellar G9X Ion-Charged Singularity Accelerator. This thing could wipe out a whole solar system. To ensure it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands, I wrapped it in brown paper, tied it up with twine, and hid it in the attic. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     My eyes bugged out, my face flushed red, and I thought for sure any second I was going to bring back a bunch of souvenirs, but when I looked in my wallet, all I had left was one Twinkie. 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     At any rate, there was nothing to do now but include them in the meal. I didn't have time now to baste the turkey. Drat! 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     Those nasty little roaches were everywhere! Someone must have left food in here! Ah, I found an old lunch bag! 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012      So I stuck out my thumb and hoped for the best. Believe it or not down the road came a knick-knack, paddywack, give a dog a wrapped-up box of chew bones and when he tears the wrapper off he will bite into a raw onion! 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     The neighbors saw us, and said "You are so dumb. Don't you know how to do anything?!! This is the way to do it: First, stack up the ammo boxes you have scattered all over the floor. 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011     It covered the entire front of the store!! I'd never seen anything like it. It was so big that there was no way I could fit it into my shopping bag, so to carry it in I found an empty wastebasket. There was a lot, but I managed to get it all stuffed in. With that out of the way, I decided to take a break and get some tinsel to throw on the tree. 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     We'll marinate them in 4 ounces of gooey, green, groddy BRAINS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     Anything that didn't get sold would become kindling for the bonfire that would be against my better judgment to put the white underwear into the same drawer as the colored butterflies streamed through the sewer line so fast that everyone thought, " 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009     because big drops of sweat were pouring down my face. It was just so hot that I had to grab the hat and hurl it into a guy's open car window as I shot past him on the interstate. Utterly freaked out, he slammed on the brakes just in time to avoid hitting the big brown and white brownie sundae with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     It was really great to see how much taller they had become. Why their two heads reached all the way to the moon and back. Our first order of business was to hide in the bushes and squirt everybody who walked by with a big dose of NyQuil. Within moments they were fast asleep, and I was able to turn flips so fast that we could not keep our eyes focused; nor could we show our face in Chuck E. 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008     Could it possibly lead to early development of cataracts? 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007     Vahzilok, or maybe the Council's attempts to try jumping over tall buildings was exceedingly successful, plus those mean old Outcasts failed to stop the arch-villain before his master plan was unveiled! Now all of Paragon City was in jeopardy as the Destructotron unleashed its pulverizing power to such an extent that all the Outcasts found themselves knee deep in muck in Perez Park. 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007     I could use it to make dessert with. I got my first 100 points with my first 100 kills. That was easy. Now for the next 500 points I would have to load up on missiles and ammo and armor before I woke up I had another dream about the battle! 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007     So I poured on them some high powered weed killer. I looked like I was wearing HAZMAT gear, but that stuff is dangerous. It did the trick though-- only a few minutes passed before I realized that I had the wrong seeds! 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007     and put it in the dumpster. With that junk out of the way, I was able to start moving furniture around so it made more sense. I moved the work table next to the cat food which was really starting to stink! I needed some deodorizing spray, so I went to the store and bought a can of Great Stuff and sprayed it into the crevice. 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006     A golden drop of perspiration gently made a rivulet down my forehead and off the tip of my spoiler! 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006      Instead, we gave him two strawberry Twinkies which worked remarkably well, considering that he was dangerously close to defaulting on his car loan. He hadn't made a payment in almost three months, and he was sure he would need at least a hundred stitches! He hoped the surgeon was handy with the needle, so when he was finished everything would look like something out of horror movie. 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     Go away! I can't concentrate." Finally, they all fell on the floor laughing their heads off. The hilarity continued until who would walk through the door but Mr. Rogers, of Mr. Rogers Windows! "Hey folks! I'm Mr. Rogers of Mr. Rogers Windows! Did you know that poor-quality windows could cost you a bundle in heating bills? 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006     So I took my cell phone and quickly dialed for help. I was in desperate straits! As soon as possible, I needed to go really bad! I could the pressure building in my lower abdomen. If I waited any longer I would poop on myself! So I turned around and I rushed toward the massive oak tree in order to hide behind it. 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006      I was tired of all this foreign stuff. I was ready for some authentic foreign cuisine to help get me in the mood for more lingo. So we got cream pies in the face from those angry Frenchmen. 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006     It became the Christmas Toast. We put it in hyperdrive and watched with glee, when it started to spark and sizzle from all the electricity coursing through it. I could hear the whine of the power meter dials spinning. 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005     He pushed the button of the vending machine expecting a deli sandwich, but instead, down the chute came a grenade! 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005      Just look at those people who are wearing outfits that must have cost in the quadruple digits. I was thinking Goldman and Sachs. 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005      I pulled my beret lower over my fear of crashing. I wasn't the one driving, and I was petrified as I sat there in the passenger seat (on the left side). We sped along the unfamiliar tanks from the Russian military came rolling down the highway, the asphault crumbling under their heavy wheels! 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005      I ordered a quad shot espresso - only problem was by the time we got to the store, my hands were skipping over the keypad like a skilled pianist playing Chopin. I had entered my Visa number so many times, I got a rubber stamp instead. I first used it to wipe my nose. I needed no distractions ,I had to be totally focused because of the traffic snarls, the icy streets, and the crazy dudes out front with the pots and handbells. 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005     To which the manager, confused, replies, " Yo man, why you do me like dat? I'm the shizzle for my nizzle. And you know you're not allowed to eat mistakes! 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005     Boy, it stank, but the flames reached to pick up a jar of homemade apple butter! I had to squint to read the obiturary, but I managed to make out "squished by a giant pumpkin"! I shuddered; I now knew why I liked pumpkin pie so much. I could hardly wait to get back home so I could start making trouble for everyone. 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015     I said. "I don't have any idea what you are talking about. There's no title, no subject...How would I begin to know what you mean? 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005     We were about to embark on a six-month voyage so we packed 6 cases of peanut butter and 6 crates of oranges, for vitamin C. Because you don't want to get scurvy when you're halfway to getting your Junior Astronaut degree! 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005     After a while, you will not feel so dizzy. Believe me, your brain will start to eat up all your system resources, until you have made at least a dozen new entries. 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     Kent handed him the egg so he could demonstrate how skillfully you can peel an egg: Take the boiled egg in your hand and gently crack it against the side of your frying pan. Very carefully, Kent lifted the phone to his ear. 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005      I have 2 potty chairs, 2 bags of M&M's, and 2 bags of gummy bears to use as positive reinforcement! Next, I got the calendar and drew pictures of poop on every single day. You know pictures speak louder than words. 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005      Boy, do I hate it! Every time I hear it, I am ready to go up there and ask them if they could please take off their concrete shoes when they're walking around upstairs! 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005     The car was packed to the gills with all sorts of gear for the trip: camera, food, maps, you name it. But I still had the feeling I wasn't in Kansas anymore...Maybe it was the mountains that painted the horizon or simply the fact that there wasn't a corn field in sight. 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005      Nobody but nobody wants to be in a fiery wreck and only be wearing a Kevlar vest and boxer briefs. There is no A/C in a race car, and it gets pretty darn hot in the cabin. The vest, of course, is for protection. 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005     Then we realized we were in a progessive town because our hotel room had "hot water on demand": to conserve the water that normally runs down the sink while you're waiting for it to get hot, there were small water heaters installed right next to the toilet was a strange-looking water saving device. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005      Could this be a misprint?!! Just to be sure I put my glasses on and then I could see my feet! "Hello, toes! Haven't seen you in so long!" Ha, Ha! This is great! Next thing you know, you will be skin and bones. No one will know you. Everyone will think you are Shamu the Orca if you wear a tuxedo before your diet is accomplished. 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005     I didn't have a pocket so that's where I kept the money from the yardsale. Those chilly coins were a problem though, so we stunned them with electric shocks. After that they didn't need to mow the lawn! The grass was all mashed down, because all the people had found such great bargains, and were so delighted, they asked us if we would consider administering a state-wide network of yard sales from an executive highrise in Manhattan. 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005      I knew perfectly well that we were over the coldest part of a TV dinner when you get it out of the microwave is always the center part. That's why you have to stir it it up, and the explosion was so BIG that I had to dive under a cloud was his nemesis, in a sneaky holding pattern. 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005     she said with a wink. Great googlely-mooglely...that was just about the nicest thing anyone had ever said! 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005      "It's good for us to keep a copy of your dental records and a listing of all intimate encounters you've had for the past 2 years." 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     Maybe it was a bad idea to build the cat condo prototype out of styrofoam. Because seconds later, all the cats were fast asleep! "That's an unexpected surprise!" "What?!" "Well, you didn't expect him to throw up on it, did you? 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005      So, to those of you who choose to take on the challenge of putting up wallpaper - my advice to you is avoid putting a lot of holes in the wall, because that will only cause discoloration later. It would be a better idea to just call Lowe's next time and have them do it - It'd be worth it! 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005     Ha ha! I thought to myself, "Little do they know that the electrical outlets are installed upside down. All their cute little night lights will always be upside down--cackle cackle. 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005      "Hop in and tell me where you want to go. I am your free taxi service today! 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005      Somebody slow them down! Even if you have to jump up and down and sing Yankee Doodle. And that's exactly what I did, much to the surprise and shock of the pilot, the rudders were stuck, and the plane was started to pitch sideways! 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005     We're in the money, we're in the money, we've got a lot of snot to clean up here. It is all over the place. 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005      This is not a middle school cafeteria! Look what just landed on the counter! It's a big glop of pork brains! Mix it in with the scrambled eggs and you will have a breakfast served to you in several courses, as I finish each section of the show. 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005     I screeched to a halt, jumped out, and exclaimed to my friends, "Ain't it cool? I got it for 10 cents at the thrift store! Why would anyone want to eat eel? It is just gross to think about: Imagine those slimy, writhing creatures on a plate of lead-free pewter. 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005      I hate it when they serve me coffee. I wish they would go work at becoming more efficient at the cash register!" 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005      You will earn your keep on my ship. Now bring me a mug of cold frosty beer! Wow, would that hit the spot!" He grinned with satisfaction at the thought of running up to that hoity-toity aristocrat woman and bumping her right into the pool. 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005     That's when I realized: it was a giant bidet! But to use a bidet this large, someone would have to have a butt the size of a pouf chair which happened to be covered with at least an inch of freeze-dried shrimp had rained down onto the roadway. 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005      They enthusiastically ran outside and threw them into the washing machine! "Out with the bad (dirt), in with the good (smell)!" She shouted, to no one in particular. Next, she declared she would eat more chocolate than ever before. She would also eat a lot more lettuce! With a healthier diet, lifting weights, power walking, and balacing my checkbook on time so that I know I have enough money to buy some new underwear! 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005     First they played some oldies like Mighty Mouse and Mickey Mouse. Then the network switched over to the ads, which are even louder and more frenetic than the shows! in fact, the clothes are alive! 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005     That's a wrap. Thanks guys, we'll see you tomorrow." Clip after clip was burned through until we heard those momentous words: "Cut! That's a wrap. Thanks guys, we'll see you tomorrow." Time itself seemed to slow down and the bullets whizzed by each other's ears and limbs. 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005      I hadn't applied my sunscreen evenly! How embarrassing! Now all I could do was sit on the cold hard concrete floor and wait for someone to bail me out of jail. 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005     I need to, umm, get some stuff." An hour later my receipt showed up in my e-mail. And with that, I got out a notepad and pencil, and started planning for NEXT Christmas! "Have a seat on this bench while I go into Best Buy. 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005     Perfect! She's a door. The next girl can pose on this poof chair. It is shaped like a high-heeled shoe. How mod! I wonder who thought up that idea. It must have been Mr. 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005     That's such a relaxing and beautiful big pouffy couch. Come and sit on it, and you will feel the stress leave your body quickly. might I recommend a jackhammer operator? Your first day will probably be the least fun because you will have to get all your shots and make sure your coffee maker is off when you leave the house. 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005     one student asked. "I don't know, let's taste one and see. Yummy! They are still good after all these years! Give one to the director. Here, put this one in his pocket!" I considered that, but decided it would be better to just hand it to him and let him put it in his pipe and smoke it. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005      I had to giggle because it reminded me of all the failed projects in the past. I always either had too little lumber, too few nails, or too few employees available to help me! I have no idea where the restrooms are in this store, and I need one bad! I need one so bad that I can't wait any longer for someone to help me! 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005      This should remind you of the pleasure of eating. anymore! Or in the children's section! You can finally eat whatever you please, whenever you please, even if it means you see the number on the scale go up one! It's O.K. Just throw out all your mirrors, and get those Amusement Park ones that make you look fatter than you really are. 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005      Complete with tire swing, roller-skating area, dress-up box, and kitchenette! 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005     Then it's back to the gym to practice yoga and sip nutritional frothy ice cream sodas! "I can't believe we get such a treat! It's 5:00pm! It's almost time for my backward-spinning atomic dragon kick!" I bounced off two walls and the ceiling, appearing as no more than a black ghost before I landed the blows, methodically right between the eyes, whirled around and thrust a powerful kick right into his solar plexus! 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005      And early in the morning, all across the country, the vote counters were ready for the squads of illegal immigrants and communists to descend upon the voting booths, there to wipe down all surfaces with antibacterial scrub. 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005      Were they delicious! Now I just want to lie down in the sun and dream about life beyond these four gray walls. He had been locked up ages; he couldn't remember when he got his last rabies shot. Was it time for a booster? 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005     If they are, we can try to use a high powered spray washer with a jet nozzle...or to blow his big hair dryer over the towel-dried car, for a final touch-up. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005      A bead of sweat trickled down past her ear. She could tell her blood sugar was low from delaying lunch. 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004      I'll just put this Dr. Enuf into the freezer to get cold. It will really taste good with a piece of moldy bread!" Who knows how long that had been there! "That's disgusting!" 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004      Being careful of the broken glass, I hurried to the comic book store to see if I made the cover of the new HULK SMASH! Just then, Doc Samson smashed the ice sculpture into tiny shards, throwing everyone off guard, and one after another they slipped and fell onto the wet sidewalk. Being careful of the broken glass, I hurried to the comic book store to see if I made the cover of the new HULK SMASH! 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004      Entering my study, I admired anew this soothing room. It was easy to relax in here. 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004     I did too pay for my last Ferris wheel ride. Look, I have the ticket stub right here, next to my prize-winning apple pie. 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004      Why one of them was playing the saxophone, and the tune was " 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004     It was clear she wasn't going to eat hers either, so he reached over and grabbed the salad dressing, saying, "If I'm going to eat nothing but salad for lunch, I'm going to need more salt and pepper. 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     Let's use this Spanish-English dictionary to figure out what the heck they're saying! I have no idea how to get to the Transportation Museum. I want to see the Pullman cars again and sit on the sofas made from styrofoam and gasoline. 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004     Their only recourse was to join the Army. Fortunately, they breezed through all the physical training and went on to become decorated infantry. (SPLAT!) The class all laughed, because they knew she was just not the type. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004      Otherwise you can also rub on some invisibility potion. Then we could more safely find our way there. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004      What a sight to see! I wonder if I could take them all home? For all of them I would need a room the size of plums! "Ooh. That's very nice," 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004      This was strange pizza though; it had slices of boiled egg on it. And spread over the top were bits of shredded lettuce. Yum! "This will hit the spot! This is good for an appetizer. 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004     This is the roughest part of town, and I know it all too well. I'm Powers. Detective Max Powers. I'm the man. I'm YOUR man. I can get the job done. You ask me, and I will tell you. Yes, I am the suspect. But I assure you I didn't do it. 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004      We had a hard time because he was so fat. The fat seemed to absorb the knockout juice. But we succeeded when we gave him a big dose of what for! we chortled. 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004      How soft and green was the bed of moss along the bank. But suddenly we heard a loud rushing! Coming straight toward us was a giant footprint in the mud. I could have laid down in it and still had room left over. This did not bode well. The sun was sinking fast and we were running out of battery power. 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004     The smell of the fertile earth is like the perfume of the Garden of Eden. There is no better smell except for the smell of tulips, lavender, and freshly cut grass. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004      Everybody out of the way! And every time I get to the bottom, I have this feeling of diarrhea running down my pants leg... That's when I know it's time to turn around and head for home. You know, just like Dorothy said, "There's no place like home." Down you go! 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004      She called. "I've been looking all over for you!" She was distressed to see its hoof stuck between two rocks, but at the same time knew its mooing/braying for help was the only was she was able to find it so fast. 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004     If she laughs any louder my brain is going to slide out of my ears in long, thin slices." his friend said. "You must really like french fries! But over here we call them pommes frites, and we like to smother them with sauteed onions. It just doesn't get much better than that! 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004      And sure enough there was a Taco Bell right inside the store! So Xander hurried over there and ordered a big Mac with cheese and extra ketchup and Great Biggie Fries. cried Ethan. "Xander, you already have two, and I have only one! 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004     Sometimes they're so loud they are deafening; so cacophonous they pierce your ears; so mind-boggling they make your butt steam! 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004     What I couldn't understand was why we never got to sleep more than 5 hours at a time. 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004     Crate after crate of chicken nuggets! "This isn't right!" I exclaimed. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004      I whispered. a voice rasped. I gasped. An old lady, bent with age, shuffled out of the shadows. "You thought this place was abandoned because it is so dirty and unkempt, but that is the way the students like it. 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004     And if he goes outside, and doesn't take an umbrella he will probably be drowned in the torrential downpour. One can never be too careful. For example, if you are going to take a ride in a car, you should always wear your mouse fur coat. 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004      Hurry we need to try to refreeze it! And to do that we need some sunscreen lotion, beach towels, and volleyballs, and of course food. Don't forget the food." So we hightailed it to the rest area so we could throw up. What a relief! Imagine getting so sick on that food! 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004     "Women!" He thought to himself, " They are so scared of their shadows! Hey if it were left up to me I would never travel with women, I would only travel with my SWISS ARMY KNIFE! 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004      He cried in anguish, "Can't you see we're trapped? It's our only chance!" We all looked at each other and silently agreed to lie down and take a nap in the shade of the old oak tree. 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004      We all ran outside in our white robes and saw to our surprise a big birthday cake, covered with candles and exquisitely patterned icing, sitting on the table. Bonnie exclaimed, " If we could all just CALM DOWN! Everyone please take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of beer on the wall! 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004      You will also come to realize the customer wants a dozen whoppers, a dozen fries, and a dozen Dr. Peppers. But he wants the whoppers with no onion and plenty of fresh lettuce for all the salads! That was the part I hated the most. Chopping lettuce. I don't know why, exactly. Probably having to do with the crispiness. 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004     The orc blood this recipe called for had to be room temperature. But they were cold, fresh out of the frig. Being in a hurry, she held them to her belly in order to warm their little wet bodies. 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004      Such is the power of the ULTIMATE NINJA. And again what is that POWER? It is the power of the universe! The power that enables the ULTIMATE NINJA to unleash hundreds if not thousands of punches and kicks upon any who opposed him. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004     His laughter, tinged with madness, echoed through the prison daily. It was a hollow sound. But it was the only one he cared about anymore. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004     They bathe in artificial dihydrogen monoxide which was produced in a laboratory manned by hyper-intelligent mice. "You see," Sam explained, "they're almost as good as human researchers, but they get paid in cheese! Or these little wafers, made out of Soylent Green are so tasty, that the spaceship crew wanted to eat a whole galaxy. 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004      So everyone got together and loaded it with sausage. Some cheese, bread, and wine, and minutes later they were feasting away. 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004      Barrister argued that because Lord Elsington was hungry he was justified in his theft. However the prosecutor Miss Na Tasha exploded in a verbal fog of circumlocutions and luscious loquaciousness, followed by a veritable swamp of laconic stillness. When the quiet had reached miasmic propotions, Miss Na Tasha again resumed her shrill tirade against her adversary in court, Barrister. 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004      You have to stay up longer, study harder, and above all, pay attention to the teachah. Class is now in session, I'm gonna try 'n' reach ya. After the rap was over, Greg stood up and shouted, "There will be no discussion!" Invigored with his courage, again he shouted, " 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004     As soon as it did, however, all the walls were teeming with cockroaches, crawling over each other, a sea of movement, all headed helter-skelter for the comic book shop, because the lateezt issue of THE INCREDIBLE HULK was out!! 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     How he remembered when he had broken his wrist playing badmitton with an orc.