Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022      We can see the whole countryside and we can see all the people in the truck stop, staring at the calendar, realizing it's only a few days before Summer! 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021     So we can just go ahead and fry the hamburgers right over this nice fire. They will taste delicious, so go get the tomatoes, lettuce, onion, pickles, and jar of eyeballs. Who keeps a jar of real eyeballs? 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021     I was so tired. If I could just sleep for a minute or two, I could probably get enough strength to make it to the road. As my eyelids slid closed of their own volition, the last thing I heard from the crackling, dying radio was "Oh, the weather outside is frightful..." 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020     For some reason, security had been increased overnight by a factor of 10. Once we entered the most secure part of the facility, it became clear what had everyone on edge: There was a large hidden aquarium covered with heavy drapes. 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020      Plus I have a bandaged hand because I cut myself with a rusty barbecue smoker borrowed from a neighbor. It would take at least 16 hours to lambaste the turkey.... I mean brine roast the turkey...too LONG !! 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019      He was stumbling! Stumbling, he tried to reach for the next page of music, but his cramp was so bad it was like he was moving in slow motion. 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019     category for an hour and I wasn't even halfway through! There must be a faster way! 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     I haven't had any for hours and I'm starting to go into withdrawal! I need at least a dozen hot meat pies and lots of layers to survive a cold night such as this. The wind howled ferociously out the window. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019      First I get a shower then wipe down the cats, and as for VoilaLeiya... I am sending her back to the manufacturer! Sending *IT* back. This was the most disappointing robotic vacuum I had ever used. 1 star! It got caught on everything! it even got stuck on logistics. 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019     Thunderstorms was never known for his verbosity. He wasn't known for much besides being a great wrestler. 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019      Lean back and contemplate what you are going to do next: wrap more presents, or eat ALL the Christmas cookies. Oooh, there's a whole jug of egg nog! 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018      I could take lessons from him, because I want to change the name of this story to "Who's Sorry Now?!"When Xander heard that, he balled up his fist and smashed the walnut as hard as he could. 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018     I kept mashing buttons and nothing worked. In frustration, finally I kicked the door. Amazed, I watched while the panel I'd kicked receded, and the door slowly creaked open.... I was so afraid to look. 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018      Well you have to start somewher' Why not start in this corner where there is an unnecessary collection of used tissues. 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018      Wow! Thinking about that, why am I even still considering other jobs?? But this is an important decision, so I'll keep thinking. There's something to be said for being out in the sunshine and fresh air, so maybe I should think about wearing rubber gloves when I am washing the dishes at Jim's. 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018     In planning for the Kidz Festival, it looks like we overestimated the resilience of grass. Sure, it can be tough, but once the chainsaw got involved, there was great danger! 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018      Hmmm... I think I will pick out a sweet little Donald Trump, the 45th president of the United States, wanted to meet Milo. 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017     I walked up to them and said, "You're so nerdy and yet so down-to-earth at the same time. 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017      I knew she would not know how to knot the bow around the knife, so I showed her how to tie knots in people's shoelaces ...joined...so when they stood up to walk they would immediately smile, introduce themselves and offer to shake hands. 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      You might even run into a zamboni! And you're miles from the nearest skating rink. 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017      If you put the cheese on last, the vegetables will get sour and moldy if you leave them out of the frig too long. Why don't you decide what you are going to do with them? 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016     Not only were the kids running around like crazy, the adults were really getting hungry and with the hunger came grumpiness. but then I realized he was listening to praise music on his earbuds and singing along. 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016     she declared. So everyone worked together to assemble them. Using ribbon and shrink wrap, I wrapped up all the junk I had found into neat little parcels and then advertised them on Ebay as "Mystery Gifts". 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016     Xander didn't care since he had a trick to combat the roaches and mice that had invaded the dorm. Just put in the corners of every room little bowls of microwave popcorn. 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016      So cool that that I had to put on a show to impress the neighbors. They were unfortunately unimpressed, and said haul that big garden cart over here! We are going to hose water into it and then fill it it with ice. Turn on a high-powered fan and aim it toward my neighbor's open back door. 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016     I sat down with my neighbor Jed to shoot the breeze and chew tobacky, and I told him that people around here would know what he's talking about. They have always known about what pesticides were too dangerous to use. 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016     My mind started going through all the things I could be doing instead: playing Minecraft, watching Youtube videos, I could even see the stains had all but disappeared! What a great product! And the name of it was " Your dearest wish come true." Oh! Well, in that case, we should string up some clothesline in the back yard. 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016     And I will build it out of lots of catnip and wine. What a day we had!! But Winter is almost over!! In just a few days, we went home. So, all's well that ends well, and we ate cake and pie. 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     Then, nonchalantly Bonnie walked out of the airplane and down the ramp. When she got to the bottom, she dug in the sand with her hands, feverishly trying to find the return plane ticket. 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      I gingerly circumnavigated the sharp rocks and came upon an enormous double cheeseburger. It must have weighed two pounds. It almost covered the plate! 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016      I resolve to refrain from eating bowl after bowl of baked beans. I then went to library, found the most crowded reading room, and proceeded to bolster my confidence by encouraging myself under my breath. 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015     I started avidly looking for it, and found it just where I had hidden it: inside a box. And that box was hidden inside the computer tower! What a great hiding place! 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015      !!! That way it will be super-easy to make tons of money selling homemade compost !! We positioned it right at the end of a row of green beans. !!! That way it will be super-easy to make tons of money selling homemade compost !! And that is what we advertise at our little roadside stand. 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015      Working at NASA means I can afford to get deli bologna instead of the pre-packaged variety. The other stuff is OK, but it fit right in the charming neighborhood. 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015     I had gotten as ready as I could for this fall, and now the only thing left was to sit back in my easy chair and enjoy a cool sparkling glass of Mountain Dew ! 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015     He switched to listening to Peter Furler Band instead and went to put some more shrimp on the barbie, then played footy with his mates until they got attacked by a pack of rabid dingoes. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     I looked, up into the sky and there was shining the Blue Moon !! How peaceful and pretty. But then I spied flying across the full moon, a big hulking tomato like I had never seen! 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     It seemed to be moving by itself! Then through a little crack in the sugary glaze I saw several disgusting guests on late-night talk shows. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015     Clearly it's time to fill your pot with dirt and of course water it. Why then would you not want that? Obviously, life would be easier with a million bucks. So I started taking classes on business at the local community college. I also took my time thinking up a good password. too smart for me" 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     Whaaaaat are you saying? You think I'm stupid? Well I will show you! I will give you a big fat wallet full of money if you will go over there and smack that bully. We are all getting tired of this continual harassment. And make sure you tell him to bring exact change. 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015     Then we'll get a new phone. Then we'll get a PS4. and sure enough, an F5 tornado appeared out of nowhere and destroyed the whole town and everyone in it, including us. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     That was the last straw! I needed to go to the store to buy more straws to build my custom-crafted trellis. Grabbing my car keys, I hurried up to Lowe's to buy some mulch. It was on sale !!When I checked out I had bought so many bags, the total number came to 21. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015      Mmmmmmmm! So good! Mmmmm. Mmmmmm gooood!!!! Sweat trickled down his leg and got on the beam, and when he took his next step, he closed his eyes and took the first bite. 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015      THE END We found a parking space quite easily, got out of the car, decided to have a little snack consisting of pink slime, beef by-products, spices, and nitrates. 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015     Oooooooooo. They don't accept senior citizens, teenagers, or Discover Card. But, noooooo oooooooooo. Oooooooooo. They don't accept senior citizens, teenagers, or Discover Card. But he was a big fan of just taking a nap! 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015     It's also hard to get anything posted on Facebook! Those crazy kids need more medications for their birthdays! Each person gets to pick a teacher to go home with.....we pick Miss Bonnie! IT'S GOOD FOR YOU. It's also hard to get anything posted on Facebook! 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     "Quick! Get that out of there before it explodes! We can't have a big mess all over the place when our company arrives!" We are expecting at least 10,000 pounds of bacon being consumed at the synagogue open house. 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     You make an agreement that every morning this person will cry a river of tears, because of thankfulness that you made such a positive difference! Good for you! Keep up the good work! You know, nobody ever changed the world by sitting on a stack of steaming hot pancakes. 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014     Take one down, pass it around and around until it's good and tight. Just to be sure, shake it to be sure it's tight enough. You can be confident it is if you leave the presents on your friend's front porch who lives in the ghetto that they will be picked up by a bunch of charity workers. 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014     As they jumped into the pool, the spray stung my eyes and my nose! Blind and coughing, I flailed around, reaching for the plunger, I gritted my teeth, closed my eyes, and put all my strength into crushing the walnuts with my bare hands.... 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014      Nothing brightens up a wintertime room like candlelight! For a festive holiday fragrance, try cinnamon or balsam, but my favorite choice would definitely be soft amber lighting accented with rhinestones and gold leaf. Now that's classy! Another thing to consider: Christmas dinner table centerpieces. 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014      It was mesmerizing! It drew me in...into a world that I could hardly imagine! 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014      T. I pity the fool! Quit your jibba-jabba! I ain't flying in no plane, you crazy alien from Mars! 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     And you thought it was only good for dissolving corn starch packing peanuts. WRONG! You can also use Skin-So-Soft Bath Oil. And after 30 minutes, you can add another layer of impermeable film. That will prevent water loss through evaporation. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014     Anyone with half a brain should know better than to listen to loud rap music while playing such an intense video game! Why if I had not been concentrating, my handsome hero would surely have fallen into debt. Video games are expensive, especially if you buy them when they first come out, or even pre-order them. 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     A bad one. So bad, that I wanted to dump my popcorn on the floor, but instead I decided to run as fast as I could!! 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     Seconds ticked by, a minute...two minutes. It teetered in the breeze. Just when the tension was almost too much to bear, the elastic snapped in my sweat pants, and I had to quickly step up the pace. 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013      It's napalm. In the morning. I LOVE IT! It smells like victory and then, when you least expect to find roly poly bugs in the flower pots. One must get rid of them by voting for the Republican candidate! 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call the plumber! This is a job for a professional! Do not try to eat beans that have not been cooked long enough.. They may cause a tremendous amount of gas and you will feel quite light-headed. 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     Peter picked a peck of pickled quail eggs. The secret to winning the eating contest is, before the start bell sounds, separate out all the smallest lambs to put into the new Minecraft corral handily built by none other than Jack! 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     Happiness is cozy, soft, and green. How could anyone argue against me? Do they want to get punched? Do they want me bring the thunder? Do they want clean air or warm houses? They cannot have both !! In fact, over their noses they may have to wear tinfoil hats to protect them from the mind-reading satellites used by an ancient civilization to battle aliens. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     I said. "I THOUGHT I saw a passenger carrying a suspiciously-shaped bag. I was scared that in it would be a basket of fruit. 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     I just turned it over and dabbed on plenty of makeup before leaving the house. "You look like a street walker!" 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     So of course I chose to close the lab for good. Surely there must be a better profession for me, like the job I just saw advertized in the classified: "Private lab time needed immediately for sensitive experiments. Highest compensation offered. Please contact..." I couldn't make out the rest of the ad because tears had already begun to dissolve the ink, which ran like charcoal wisps of liquidated dreams down the face of the page. 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012     The stewardess offered us complimentary drinks as bubbly as she was. Before anyone would take any of the glistening, tempting flutes, I barked, "NO. That's not champagne. It's actually going to be a Midnight Madness Sale and we will certainly be going to it and after that we want to get a bite to eat at the newly opened wormhole in the fabric of space!" 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     It was horrible. I tried to scoop them up with a long-handled metal scythe that we got from Reapers 'R' Us. when you used it. 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011     "NO WAY!" I retorted. "I don't want the malls to close until midnight! Because then I will have time to start shopping for Groundhog Day!!!!!!!!!!" 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     so we loaded up a wheelbarrow-full of brains and carted them over to the Wal-Mart, to the frozen goods section. a worker yelled, "You can't bring raw brains in here! 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     Then, we passed our box of clutter in a circle like Musical Chairs, and whoever ended up with the box, then that person had to chase the Fly Lady all over the room with a butterfly net. Unfortunately she could not bear to get rid of anything after all the decluttering, so she proceeded systematically to attack the zombies! 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009     Now we could afford to add several egret feathers and even a boa to the brim of the traveling brown hat. But to attach them, we needed to use our most skulky ninja tactics in order to get the brown hat to its next destination. We surrepticiously crossed the street and found a a secret cave lined with dozens of bats and hundreds of poopy tax return pages. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     Within moments they were fast asleep, and I was able to turn flips so fast that we could not keep our eyes focused; nor could we show our face in Chuck E. 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008     The doctor beamed and said "Your vision is 20 over 200 and you are definitely a candidate for surgery. First into each eye we will put some Vicodin in your hand. A couple of these and you won't feel a thing! I should know, I use them whenever I am doing brain surgery. 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007     When the other trolls saw this, they immediately knelt down and revived their health. Moments later, they came upon a wide, glistening puddle of goo. 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007      Let the battle begin! The music started, and then slowly emerging onto the screen was a giant box! I knew it was full of video games which I had ordered. 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007     I then tried to decide what fertilizer to use. I had to choose between organic compost or that big bag of hot air, Joe Blow or Joe Schmoe or whatever his name is. Always offering unsolicited advice. I've got half a mind to take a nap in the nearby hammock. 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007     mixed with cables, network cards, and little plastic bags of ICs of every conceivable kind. It was the worst jumble of all, so I hid under the table and waited patiently. 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006     Re! A golden drop of perspiration gently made a rivulet down my forehead and off the tip of my spoiler! 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006     Maybe it's because they accidentily stitched him up with tools still inside his abdominal cavity! It wouldn't have been the first time. They quietly ordered an X-ray of his brain, completely unsure what the bulge was. They were pretty sure though that the X-ray would show the presence of decades-old cysts the size of walnuts. 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     My name's Carl. I'm an accountant. One day the boss looked over my shoulder and started laughing hilariously, and then he bellowed, " I'm starvin'! I ain't had nuthin' to eat but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days! Why can't we have more toilet paper in here? Those rolls go down in a hurry, especially when all the managers flock around me like buzzards! 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006     It was crunchy and really really tasty! I gathered up a few and put them in my pocket so I could give them to the police officer when he hauled me in for questioning before being charged with trespassing. I had no choice but to sit down on the grass and start scraping the dog poop off my shoes. 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006     Show me your passport." And I hope you have it, because it's important when traveling to be able to drink hot tea with the little finger in the air. 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006     They must be coming from Mars! We're being invaded on Christmas!" He ran inside the house to call the electric company because the power seemed to be off. He kept plugging in lights but instead of coming on, they would just explode like a long string a chinese firecrackers. 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005     And guess what happened?!! = It exploded with the force of a 1,000 thermonuclear bombs, carving a massive crater out of the side of the moon and creating a ring around the earth, which persisted forever and ever. I wondered what would happen if I touched it, so I did. 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005     He cracked his knuckles and proceded to sing their little hearts out. and then they weren't sure what to do with the toothpicks. Nonchalantly, they looked around for the nearest restroom, not wanting to look in dire need, even though they certainly felt satisfied! 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005      I pulled my beret lower over my fear of crashing. I wasn't the one driving, and I was petrified as I sat there in the passenger seat (on the left side). 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005      He had already asked me for a refund. "Why?" I asked. he exclaimed, "I want paper not plastic! 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005     Orrrder uuuuuup!" To which the manager, confused, replies, " Yo man, why you do me like dat? I'm the shizzle for my nizzle. And you know you're not allowed to eat mistakes! Put that in the waste bucket!" 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005      Cackling evilly, I carved scary faces into all the pumpkins in the patch! Then all the seeds and pulp I threw into the back of my Dodge Ram pickup truck. What a load! Now, the only thing left to do is pick up all the pumpkins, and give them to eat whatever was left and that would be, of course, at least a dozen doughnuts! 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015      Sit down quickly and write your name at the top of your game. Because clothes make the man. That's why I wear dorky clothes and spike my hair with glittery gel. Who knows? I might be spotted by the next agency of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005     The asteroid is too big. In less than one minute we would look out the window and see whether we can make the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs. It's very hard to do. But you would know that being the seasoned astronaut that you are. 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005     Indoor plumbing? Well, they sure didn't have any computers, because who knows what germs are lurking on the keyboard left over from the last class?!! Does anyone clean the keys? NO! And if someone did, he would probably use DOS! Or Windows 3.1!! Ha ha ha!" We all had a big laugh. But the truth was hard to swallow; in fact I was so overwhelmed, that I had to make the computer do what the teacher wanted it to do! 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005      "Hello, everyone, I'm Kent Mansley, and this is COOKING SHOW!! Today's show is brought to you by Squeesitout Pimple Cream! Make sure all your teenagers have a good supply, and are wearing this new hairnet. We all know that sanitation is very low priority around here, which is why your show is on suspension!" 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005     We used snow shovels most of the time, but sometimes we used cloth diapers when we ran out of all the clean air in the house was being gradually contaminated by the encroaching fog of green stench. 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005     There's no way I am going to invite those idiots to my birthday party so they can eat all my gourmet pastries were sitting on the counter, and I reached for the mop to bang on the ceiling. Suddenly it occurred to me that I could hook up my Mega-Blaster speakers and aim them next door! 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005      Finally we were leaving the driveway! The car was packed to the gills with all sorts of gear for the trip: camera, food, maps, you name it. But I still had the feeling I wasn't in Kansas anymore...Maybe it was the mountains that painted the horizon or simply the fact that there wasn't a corn field in sight. 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005     There is no A/C in a race car, and it gets pretty darn hot in the cabin. The vest, of course, is for protection. That way, in case you roll over you will always land right side up again, which is why you must always make sure your safety harness is correctly fastened. 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005      After all the next time you flush, you may need that 5-gallon bottle of fresh, clean water over there. Mmm... What! It's a mirage! It's actually a water-saving toilet, and it cost much more than I could afford. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005     But there's one thing that would better than that, and that's when you'll start to notice the fat just melting off! And when you look into the mirror, you will be surprised to see a box of doughnuts on the counter! It's your reward for your great progress. 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005     The grass was all mashed down, because all the people had found such great bargains, and were so delighted, they asked us if we would consider administering a state-wide network of yard sales from an executive highrise in Manhattan. 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005     It sure is a small fire button! Let's see what happens if I push it! Whoa Nellie! That's looks like a squadron of Russian MiGs attempting to intercept my vector! Little do they know there are hidden bombs on board. 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005      "Why are you wearing 3-D glasses everywhere you go?" I asked. 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005     But that's OK-- we can replace it with saline, or I can tell you about our latest experiment: something we've been growing in the lab. Your choice." I knew I had to get out of there, and the only way to do it was to amputate from above the knee. 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     Like Confucious say, "Cat never full." That's why you have to have a wide base, or else a strong foundation, if you're going to make it that tall. 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005      Then I went back downstairs and fixed myself a meatball lunch pocket. It was so good, I licked it again. 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005      First to Home Depot to load up with materials, plus take a class to teach me how to install a new toilet. I decided to put it in the garbage disposal to see what would happen. 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005      "Okay, okay. I thought I'd better tell you what type of weapons you'll be using. As a Space Marine, you'll have a 40mm shoulder-mounted plasma thrower, 30cm vibroblade, and of course a standard simple telephone table is all that you need. 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005     And that's exactly what I did, much to the surprise and shock of the pilot, the rudders were stuck, and the plane was started to pitch sideways! There was only one thing to do: activate the afterburners! Yeee-haw! As pure jet fuel sprayed into the turbine combustion chambers, their heads snapped back as the pilot yelled, "yeeee-oouch!...that's gonna hurt in the morning". 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005      Others glory in it, and freely share their personal joys. For example, while having fries at the fast food restaurant, I might lean over to my friend and share this insight about myself: "I'm not in it for the fries, I'm in it for the KETCHUP!" Or while ordering a big ice cream sundae, someone might conspiratorially inform the person making it, "I'm not in it for the ice cream, I'm in it for the fame! 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005     The size of your mouth is! Can you talk a good show? Will your viewing audience please stop throwing food and sit down! This is not a middle school cafeteria! Look what just landed on the counter! It's a big glop of pork brains! Mix it in with the scrambled eggs and you will have a breakfast served to you in several courses, as I finish each section of the show. 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005      And a tattoo to match! and on the back it would say "got r00t?" Then everyone will know that you grew up in the Sixties. We can tell because your clothes look so cool, they have to be made in Greenland by eskimos. And your hair needs more color! More punk colors: here, stripe your hair with this purple and this pink! That will make you look like Fonzie. 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005      Obviously some of the rest of us are entitled to a piece of the action. So here's the plan: Rent a storefront, buy some coffee beans, and to grind them, buy a big muffin. The bigger the better. The biggest I've ever seen. In fact, so big, that it wouldn't even fit in the grinder. 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005      I flew to Miami and boarded the beautiful liner with all the other baggage, getting stowed in the hold. 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005     "Quick! You stop traffic while I wash this man's windshield! He will surely reward me with a big wad of toilet paper stuck in my butt, I look just like a bunny rabbit! 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005      With a healthier diet, lifting weights, power walking, and balacing my checkbook on time so that I know I have enough money to buy some new underwear! 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005      But it was the dishes, falling on the kitchen floor because the kids were up on the counter trying to get their own breakfast! The rockets landed with a great sound like a car crash! But it was the dishes, falling on the kitchen floor because the kids were up on the counter trying to get their own breakfast! 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005      It was so beautiful and from outer space it looked even more chaotic. I don't know who, but someone needed to return to earth to get supplies. We were too quickly running out of everything: bottled water, powdered milk, and freeze-dried corpses of agents of years past. 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005      It was just too hot. So I always made sure to provide plenty of suntan lotion when we go to the beach every Saturday. 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005      You know everyone just loves those boxes of styrofoam peanuts. Find someone who has a fan blowing in their room, dump the box, and watch the fun! Hundreds of kids having a present wrapping contest. Paper, ribbons, tape were flying everywhere. 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005      Sigh. I guess for now, it was all just a fantasy! She paused for a final jelly doughnut before entering the inner sanctum of the plush office where dozens of models were milling around, considering who would look best in which outfit. 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005     Chicken and prunes! Yuk! I would rather have a deadly attack robot! It would have to be at least 8 feet tall and 4 feet wide. 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005      Everywhere was dust. Dust, dust, dust! My hair was matted with mud and straw. We started carefully cleaning it, and were surprised to discover that under the dirt was the wrapper from my Brown Mule. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005      I needed some 2x4s and wood paneling, so I headed for Lowe's. When I got there I saw pickup trucks coming and going all day long. 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005     See, once you get the idea, you'll understand you can't live on rice cakes and water. And that's when you'll need a tongue depresser and flashlight in order to look down your nose at people who weigh more than you do! 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005      Wet cement reached from their toes all the way up to their knees! Either we're forming a habitat for something other than humans, or someone's gonna have to mow!" We'd been so busy tearing down the neighbors' hedges so we have room to expand. 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005      Ultimate Ninja II would want everyone to remain respectfully quiet. Each fully dressed fighter was armed with daggers, leather lashers, and 4 or 5 weapons...per hand! 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005     Can you do better than that?" but he pledged allegiance to communism. Then John Edwards told him, "It would really be to your advantage to settle on one candidate, especially the one who wanted to lower taxes and advocated more refreshments for the people who went to the trouble to come out to vote! 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005      Ahh, the fresh air! Ahh, the sound of songbirds in the trees! Ahh, the smell of freedom! It smelled like grass, and trees, and dew. I stepped out but he could hear the millions of soldier-ant feet marching, on the move to their next conquest was to round up all the squirrels and ship them to Alaska. 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005     Go back!!" and waved the water hose in a circle over his head, splashing water on everyone nearby, including customers, classmates, and the whole board of supervisors joined in to hold hands, circle around, and sang Ring Around the Rosy. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005     I didn't know how to adjust the applause meter. Everyone seemed to be clapping too hard or too soft. It was hopeless. I kicked it over the edge of the stage. And here came the President himself riding in a strange car, wearing a strait jacket. 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004      Argh! I cannot take this any longer! So I grabbed the can of gasoline, pulled out a book of matches, and debated whether to vote for George Bush or John Kerry. she said, "You can take that and stick it where's there no tomorrow! Yeah, and there's no beans about it. That stuff has no life left. 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004     It wasn't the first time we had heard it. The building shook with a bone-buzzing boom! Dust and debris fell as the bricks were loosened from the incredible shock. People across the street turned to look and gasped because streams of green sludge were rushing down the gutters and into the subway tunnel. 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004     she said sweetly. "This PTA is disbanded. All your children will be going to Christian charter schools from now on!" The parents cheered while the teachers groaned. 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004      I quickly leaned over and threw up, deftly avoiding potentially lethal food poisoning. Then I grabbed a ticket to go see the biggest cow on the planet. When I peeped through the fence at it, it looked like a NINJA! 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004     A man appeared holding a microphone in the face of John Kerry so close that his nose was almost all the way to the back of his head! "Who did this to you?" They asked. "NINJA!" He yelled "Stop the presses! 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004     Get ready to mash those soybeans and mold the tofu into shapes resembling flowers. Admittedly, that artistic effort, combined with the variety of color in the salad made it extraordinarily beautiful. 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     he said. Boppy laughed and laughed. He showed her how to bring down a runaway calf and hogtie 'em. he said. Boppy laughed and laughed. That, and spending an afternoon with President Bush at his ranch. 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004      The idea is to create the picture of water with the water birds in it. So the next move is a demi plie; just swirl around and fluidly reach for your toes and come back up to face the audience. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004     she said, " Get your armor on and sharpen your sword and let's go do some fighting, and then let's go do some laundry, because I'm sure you'll all agree we're starting to smell. I noticed a stream of urine running down the side of the cavern wall. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004     I quickly moved aside just in time to avoid being trampled by the thundering hooves. As the dust settled and my panic eased, I calmly put my .357 Magnum back in its holster and continued my search for stuffed moose heads to hang on my office wall. 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004      I called a taxi to take me to the airport, and when he arrived he looked like a Pillsbury Doughboy, waddling under the bulk of all his gear and protective clothing. 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004     I really needed a better disguise. Maybe a beard and a mustache would help, and some big horned rim glasses. 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004     He said, "I want some more buttermilk from that churn! And I want some homemade butter and strawberry jelly to put on my overalls." The dirt from my past several weeks of work had crusted upon itself to the point that it could begin to flake off in great chunks, and I could see the blue cloth beneath. 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004      We all hit the dirt as a huge dinosaur tail whooshed over us. We quickly crawled to the police station and cried for help. It was deserted, but we found some newly laid dinosaur eggs. They were huge. Ethan wanted to make scrambled eggs with them, but Xander yelled "NO! 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004      We have English, Boston, variegated; why we even have poison oak and poison ivy! Now you must beware of the last two because they are poisonous. More poisonous than a brown recluse, in fact! They're so poisonous, that instead of killing a person when the person eats it, this carnivorous plant, averaging 50 feet high, EATS PEOPLE! 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004      This story will be about a motorcycle trip. I started tuning up my bike, changing the oil, checking the tire pressure, checking the engine timing, and finally I was ready to check the air pressure in the tires. Three tires were fine, but the fourth tire was almost flat! I got the hose inserted into the tire and put in 25 pounds of gas! 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004      You need to figure out the answer yourself; so go to the library, and look for a book about Sun Tzu, author of The Art of War. He'll know what to do." We rampaged through the tattered remains of library for an hour, and finally found her yak! 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004     Be sure to securely fasten your bungee cord before you jump!" That is, if I'm ever even at the Eiffel Tower again! We knew we were going to see lots of interesting sights, but we sure weren't expecting that! 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004      Help me Ethan! Let's see if the robbers are still in the parking lot." We dashed out and found them sitting in a puddle of urine. 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004      Soon we had to come up with another idea. So we took wet paper towels and stuffed them in our ears so we wouldn't have to listen to the crybabies. We made fun of them because their farts were so soft and quiet. 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004     I wasn't sure but I quickly learned not to ask questions and certainly not to complain. Sometimes I did anyway, and I paid sorely for it. Soon I had a cold, and I had to think long and hard if I should keep going out in the cold rain with no boots on. 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004      Whoa Nellie! The kitchen staff were in for some major shipments of hamburgers. Three huge tractor trailers pulled up, filling most of the parking lot, and the workers started unloading the giant packages of hamburger buns. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004      Grates in the walls below admitted narrow beams of sunlight. I could see that there were old professors lying around everywhere. 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004     And if you give him some milk, he will lap it up very delicately all the while holding his little pinky high in the air. And to go with that some milk!" 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004      This one has been a blast! We have had so much fun that I know next summer will be even better. I just must remember next time to bring more Immodium A-D. This crazy Mexican food is flowing through me like a dirt river." 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004     And this dead battery. And this rock. And this lawn chair. And that's ALL I NEED!" People began to stare at him because he had a pale green luminescence about him. 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004      I shouted. "Stay still and don't move a muscle. The sniper has a laser scope focused right on your forehead." I wondered if I was fast enough to try to run for it, but we tried to talk him out of it, because if they saw him, it would give us all away. "You fools!" He cried in anguish, "Can't you see we're trapped? 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004     That was when I knew I had to lie down quickly and start my bio-feedback session. That was the only thing that worked for me to help me feel calm again, and it helped me also to feel sympathy for homeless people. 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004     It was popping out, splattering the wall and dripping down the side of his face and landing on the countertop with a "splat". he said, "my boil just erupted!" The customer gawked and said, "You expect me to eat this crap?!! 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004      What in the world else would a Grandma have at the end of a long day........or at the beginning of a short one?! But before she could drink it, she had to add a spoonful of honey and a little squirt of diarrhea, and she knew she should haven't eaten that greasy platter of fries and fried chicken with extra grease. 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004     No one would ever think to challenge my power again. They had thought to feast upon me, but they were fed only wrath. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004     correction centers where every day he would get to watch TV, exercise, and eat three prison meals a day. Sometimes he would laugh, thinking how now the Betty Mafia could never get him. Ever. His laughter, tinged with madness, echoed through the prison daily. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004      Is it programmed for a target?! Oh no! It is headed for a crash! Unable to steer, her frustration at the malfunction gave way to panic as the obstacle loomed ahead, a giant miasmic mix of sulfuric and methane gases, swirling, boiling, reaching out for the next great leader in the cataclysmic battle for galactic supremacy. 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004     The king looked down at him and replied," and then threw back his own with peals of diabolical laughter. Thus began the century-long "Reign of Terror." I will eat at your feet for the rest of my days!" 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004      She dove at Barrister with claws extended. The fur did fly. even tried to intervene, but he was stomped on by Godzilla. 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004     This could only mean one thing, the subjects for the theses were all wrong! Gromit, they are all wrong! 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004     As a result, they gave permission to build on the site of the historic battlefield never realizing that an apocolyptic tidal wave was only a few miles away and coming fast. We're doomed. He spent most of the time talking about himself. As a result, they gave permission to build on the site of the historic battlefield never realizing that an apocolyptic tidal wave was only a few miles away and coming fast. 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     Now they would all be rich! They could buy whatever they wanted! They would never be poor again!