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Story IDTitleCreatorStatusNum EntriesDate Finished
174  Springtime in VirginiabettyDone2212/27/2022
    then I'll reply, "You are the biggest dummy I have ever seen!!
173  Daylight Saving Time !bettyDone234/21/2021
     But what is the difference between a burrito and a chimichanga? Didn't they both come from the country of Upper Volta?? Boppy has stamps from there. It's now known as The Enforcer. Most other people would flee or cower in the face of such peril, but we could always count on him to fire up the grill!!
172  A Winter Day in the WildernessbonnieDone222/15/2021
    Cats, speeding cars, rogue birds...the squirrels fought to survive every day, and had done so for centuries. Once, on the eve of an invasion, all the neighbors noticed more squirrels than usual sprinting over roofs and roads, gathering on the tree branches, clinging to the tree trunks, watching waiting, watching, waiting.
171  Oh, the weather outside is frightful...bettyDone2212/31/2020
    By that point I could have eaten a proper meal, but I couldn't be picky; I was starving! I scarfed down three of them before I remembered that I was deathly allergic to peanuts.
170  The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!bettyDone231/13/2020
    Winston walked into the kichen and he immediately started to thaw it. After about 8 hours, the turkey was halfway cooked.
169  A Breath of Fresh AirbonnieDone2211/15/2019
     Someone else does it for him, just as when he wants to sit down, what do you think happens??
168  Toiling at 3 a.m.bettyDone2210/13/2019
     All I had left to do was type in my weight, and the computer quickly printed out a menu listing these choices: 1) Broiled troll leg with capers, 2) spicy troll soup with tortilla strips and shaved truffles, and 3) chopped troll with candied bacon bits and guacamole.
167  The Reckoning of the KiwisxanderDone227/28/2019
    A little dude with wings showed up with a handful of sparkly crap. Anyway, it backfired horribly: we were just covered in kiwi fruit puree and crushed red cherries and pineapple.
166  Somebody's Gotta Do It !bettyDone227/8/2019
     First I get a shower then wipe down the cats, and as for VoilaLeiya... I am sending her back to the manufacturer! Sending *IT* back. This was the most disappointing robotic vacuum I had ever used. 1 star! It got caught on everything! it even got stuck on logistics. Luckily, we had somebody here who knows how to ask all the right questions so we can work out a feasible plan.
165  I love Thunderstorms !bettyDone216/10/2019
    I love salsa! Bring me salsa smothered on tortilla chips and layered with the scents of earth and cut grass." Indeed, thunderstorms are a dramatic immersion for the senses.
164  Wrapping those Christmas Presents !bettyDone231/9/2019
     We confronted him with rolls of ribbon, sheaths of tissue paper, and a carton of ribbons. If you don't have your ribbons neatly wrapped on spools, at least don't rest anything heavy on them to crush them. In advance of your gift-wrapping day, make a list of who gave what so I could send them a thank you note.
163  Let's Set Fire to the WoodsxanderDone2112/7/2018
    This was the moment the past several weeks had been building up to. woods or open fields?
162  Some Kind of AdventurexanderDone239/10/2018
     He'll probably say, "You dunderhead! Obviously it's because I did not have a flying carpet when I needed one!" Now what?
161  That Garage !bettyDone228/9/2018
     What a find! I think they should be displayed in the Alamo gift shop! Right next to all the boxes full of stuff ready to donate to the thrift store! I felt soooo proud! Man! What a find! I think they should be displayed in the Alamo gift shop!
160  I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?bettyDone248/3/2018
     Well, it did not matter because the power had gone out and it did not work anyway. I just hoped they knew how to fill out an unemployment form, because at the rate they're going, they're going to need to!
159  A large, healthy tuft of stump grassbonnieDone227/18/2018
     When they arrived, they quickly put the fire out that was creeping toward the stump grass. And it's a good thing they did, because if they hadn't done so, and quick, we all know what would have happened.
158  Cleaning up after Milo the MousebettyDone217/11/2018
    "There's one way," Greg said as he walked in with crowbar the size of his arm. "Stand back!" But Boppy exclaimed, "I can't kill it if I've named it!" No one could argue with that. But here's another question: if you've named a mouse Milo, can you ever set out a mousetrap for him?
157  Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA CampusbettyDone227/6/2017
    There, I was greeted by a flock of trained roadrunners! As a group, they ran ahead to lead me, looking behind every so often to be sure no roadrunners were following us.
156  San Antonio VacationgregDone225/27/2017
     HOW ABOUT A NICE SPRINKLING OF HOT HOT HOT SRIRACHA SAUCE !!!" That will make everybody want to go to the Alamo!
155  Will That Snow Ever Melt? !bettyDone212/5/2017
     Imagine our surprise when we looked out the window and we saw snowflakes floating down from the sky.
154  Different Pizza ToppingsgregDone211/11/2017
     Now I will take a snapshot with my new neighbors. It can be hard to come up with a combination of pizza toppings that will please everyone in the group, but if you stick olives with toothpicks on the pizza, there could be tragic results...like wasting pizza!
153  But I don't want to!bonnieDone2011/13/2016
    I put it into the same category as washing the dog: every day is overkill, but waiting a month is too long." We could probably agree it's the same with grocery shopping: Don't shop when you are hungry!
152  We Need More Enthusiasm !bettyDone2210/16/2016
     It's always a boost to the self-confidence when the person in charge starts ranting and raving, maybe someone needs to pour on his head a bucket of vomit! It was from the party last night!
151  Xander's New Dorm RoombonnieDone219/9/2016
    came over and saw the title, He exclaimed, " There's literally a party going on in the hall outside my door!" He hadn't even realized it, though, because he had not taken a shower in so long! Oh well, at least the green bar of soap was not down to a sliver yet, and the roommate had brought his own pile of funky smelling shoes.
150  Trying to Keep Cool !bettyDone228/20/2016
     Now for the fireworks! I hid behind the shrubs and biting my nails, waited for the manicurist to arrive. When she did, she immediately saw what I had been doing, and exclaimed, "These nails look like they've been through a shredder!
149  The Stump VinebonnieDone214/26/2016
    And while you are there, make sure you pick up some latticework or fishing line because as the vine grows, it wraps around everything in its path and starts choking the other plants when then in desperation they start to prune it, they don't know such actions are misguided.
148  LaundrycolleenDone204/2/2016
    And the name of it was " Your dearest wish come true." Oh! Well, in that case, we should string up some clothesline in the back yard.
147  It's snowing!!!colleenDone292/22/2016
    He's such a meanie! He's a gigantic snowman reclining in a lawn chair.
145  Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!bettyDone212/5/2016
    And there to welcome it into eternal damnation was none other than Xander and Ethan who decided to come for a visit too!!! So we packed the extra stuff into a priority box and sent it to Hell in a handbasket!
144  Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!colleenDone201/10/2016
     Well, hello there!!! I've been ever so busy lately that I nearly stumbled. Rearranging the packages I was carrying, put them all off balance and I dropped all of them right into a pool of exceeding clarity.
143  Resolutions for the New Year !bettyDone221/9/2016
     I resolve to refrain from eating bowl after bowl of baked beans. I then went to library, found the most crowded reading room, and proceeded to bolster my confidence by encouraging myself under my breath.
142  Ordering Online Christmas Presents !bettyDone2112/14/2015
     The only way to cover that will be to file bankruptcy!! Man, I will hate to go to court and stand before the magistrate and hope you don't get thrown in jail until you paid every penny because you were cruel to your debtors and the king found about it.
141  Dual CompostersgregDone2112/13/2015
     And that is what we advertise at our little roadside stand. We positioned it right at the end of a row of green beans. !!! That way it will be super-easy to make tons of money selling homemade compost !!
140  Deli BolognagregDone2211/28/2015
    and proceeded to have a coughing fit that lasted for approximately 20 seconds. Then everything continued as before, except, curiously, one boy on a skateboard crashed through the Deli's plate glass window and he landed in the bin of expired fruit.
139  Getting Ready for Fall !bettyDone2110/29/2015
     We need lots of colorful leaves, and lots of dog poop which was scattered here and there in our ditch. Also Roger Young seemed to be moving our boundary line in his favor.
138  SlatheragegregDone219/16/2015
     Be sure to make it strong enough so you can trap large prey. It should definitely work for slow-moving targets such as a sloth, but you could run into problems if you taught math class in middle school...hahaha.
137  Growing Those Tomatoes !bettyDone218/1/2015
    I looked, up into the sky and there was shining the Blue Moon !! How peaceful and pretty. But then I spied flying across the full moon, a big hulking tomato like I had never seen!
136  Midnight snackcolleenDone216/11/2015
    I picked one out and looked closely and crawling out of it, I saw a grayish-white shadow. I thought I could see through it. Was it a ghost? Uncertain, I reached out my hand and gingerly nudged the doughnut. It seemed to be moving by itself! Then through a little crack in the sugary glaze I saw several disgusting guests on late-night talk shows.
135  That New Smart PhonebettyDone226/10/2015
     I am sitting on the front porch now watching for the app to close without losing my patience with it. Instead I decided to add a new game app. The name of it was Clash of the Terrible Twos.
134  NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THISgregDone246/3/2015
     Hey heeeeyyyyy sounds like someone is trying to be cool, but no one is cooler than the real Fonz. And his line is "Ayyyy." Boooooo Wooooo was that an excellent comeback or what?! Wheeee we said as we sailed down the waterslide straight into a big pool of water mixed with just enough corn starch to Eat.
133  Why me!?!!colleenDone236/3/2015
     I wonder if Danny Speight would let us borrow his passes to attend a free movie at Regal Cinemas at Kiln Creek. The options were spaghetti and meatballs, lasagna, or rigatoni.
132  Backyard ProjectsbettyDone225/28/2015
    That arrangement is perfect for the high school piano recital. We had been practicing for weeks, and had finally Kissed the day goodbye with a drop to the pillow. But, why then could he not get off his duff and help me?!!
131  Cupcakes!colleenDone225/26/2015
     Exquisitely beautiful, on the very top, there balanced a gymnast who was trying out for the Olympics!
129  Climbing Enchanted RockbettyDone215/2/2015
    It sure tasted good! But an hour later I couldn't feel my feet they were throbbing so badly! So, I sat down to eat some calories before attempting the climb. Other important preparations include wearing thick socks, sturdy shoes,and drinking bottles and bottles of water. My dearest hope is that everyone will be responsible and keep their hands at the 9 o'clock and 3 o'clock positions on the steering wheel as they are driving their golf balls across the pitted rock dome, the sun started to set, and severe angst caused them to sit and have some pie and cookies.
128  I Need to Take a Trip !bettyDone224/16/2015
     Everything is so cold, so frozen, so depressing! I need to travel to a warm clime, and bask in the humid warmth of the American South. Animals you could expect to see include Kangaroos and Koala Bears! They are so cute. If I tried to take a Koala cub home, I am sure the airport authorities would introduce me to Connor Trinneer, AKA Trip Tucker from Star Trek: Enterprise!
127  Bonnie's New Tutoring JobbonnieDone274/16/2015
    After a week all the children just loved Bonnie, and they brought her presents including lots of mayonnaise.
126  Getting Ready for New Year's EvebettyDone222/18/2015
    And right on top I would squirt a big dollop of mayonnaise. It's good for you! It's Regular Ordinary Swedish meal time flies when you're having fun! Or as the famous Latin phrase puts it: " Carpe Noctem !" So we worked through the night putting the final touches on the family portrait.
125  New Year's ResolutionsbonnieDone2212/24/2014
    So what do you want? Do you want to take a trip to some exotic tropical island. Hmmm I think this destination would be a good choice: the unemployment line!
124  Get Those Presents Wrapped !bettyDone2212/24/2014
     From there they will be handed out to homeless people. What will they do with them? Obviously, they will put them in the refrigerator asap. Chop! Chop!
123  We Need a Plumber !bettyDone2212/12/2014
    Children from the nearby village came running, naked, to dive into a particularly deep collection of sweet, sweet, silvery alcohol. As they jumped into the pool, the spray stung my eyes and my nose! Blind and coughing, I flailed around, reaching for the plunger, I gritted my teeth, closed my eyes, and put all my strength into crushing the walnuts with my bare hands....
122  Christmas DecorationsbonnieDone2212/12/2014
    I stared quizzically at Vladimir Putin, who was in turn staring intensely at a full-size horse and licking his lips. With a glorious roar, he hefted it over his shoulders and tried to go through the front door. However, as he stepped over the threshold, he stepped into a cave.
121  I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!bettyDone2111/28/2014
    Of course, this was completely ludicrous to me because I always like to play solo and joining a team at this juncture would be such a bad idea that my Hot Pockets supply would be depleted, and I would also run out of a deep dark tunnel lined with spider webs and hanging from the ceiling were bats!
120  The Great BeyondxanderDone219/21/2014
    CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!" Sheogorath bellowed, solving the mystery of his dazzling appearance.
119  Summer bonnieDone209/21/2014
    And if they get fogged up, you can clean them with spit. And you thought it was only good for dissolving corn starch packing peanuts. WRONG! You can also use Skin-So-Soft Bath Oil. And after 30 minutes, you can add another layer of impermeable film.
118  Best Video Game of the Year !bettyDone228/15/2014
    How it had gotten in there. Poop. I wondered how it had gotten in there. How it had gotten in there I'll never know. Anyone with half a brain should know better than to listen to loud rap music while playing such an intense video game!
117  The best movie EVER!!!colleenDone217/18/2014
    Everyone dived under their seats, and immediately someone switched on the vacuum cleaner. But it was so loud, we couldn't hear the movie! "HEY!! SHUT THAT OFF!" I yelled. Then some other people also stood up, put their hands over their hearts, and with great gusto, they sang " Should old acquaintance[s] be forgot, and never brought to mind, then I'll never see you again, and that suits me just fine."
116  What I Saw When I Took A Walk IIgregDone235/28/2014
    Just when the tension was almost too much to bear, the elastic snapped in my sweat pants, and I had to quickly step up the pace.
115  You know...bonnieDone2311/10/2013
    We had to seek shelter fast or we would be doomed for sure. Nearby there was a lurking police car. People should know better than to cook a bowl of noodles for lunch in the middle of defeating the giant cave troll, I found I needed quickly to scrub that off before it stained. Smell that?
114  Whatever is on your mind !bettyDone2410/27/2013
    you can afford it! Maybe the best thing to do is to load Minecraft and build a house out of solid gold blocks.
113  Nursery RhymegregDone2210/24/2013
    To test it, we inserted a non-compete clause into the document. It now read, "I (fill in your name) will not directly or indirectly engage in any business that competes with the cupboard of Old Mother Hubbard." So many kids, what else could she do? She went to the cobbler and moved into a pie full of four-and-twenty blackbirds.
112  Global Warming !bettyDone268/19/2013
    Do they want clean air or warm houses? They cannot have both !! In fact, over their noses they may have to wear tinfoil hats to protect them from the mind-reading satellites used by an ancient civilization to battle aliens.
110  Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !bettyDone224/19/2013
    It was the last cake in the entire world of the once-fabled Hostess cake company. I thought about selling it on Ebay, then decided I should have it hermetically sealed in a glass case for prosterity, but in a flash, it was gone; Xander had snatched it out of my hands and devoured it.
109  ThanksgivingbonnieDone1912/19/2012
    He replied, "It would cost a bazillion dollars to cater Thanksgiving dinner to the whole town! But that's okay, Christmas is just six days away!!"
108  I Blew Up My Lab!gregDone2110/26/2012
    Straight from the can! Deee-licious! Now I am going to mix it all up in my new blender. Ooops! I forgot to put on the lid! All across the walls and floor were diplomas, certificates, degrees, and other accolades from a variety of prestigious institutes of learning and experimentation.
107  Christmas Shopping IIIbettyDone212/11/2012
    Then you know what happens! I have to poop! But the only way to get to town to go shopping was to hitchhike! So I stuck out my thumb and hoped for the best.
106  Let's Organize Your Garage !bettyDone227/25/2011
    That's a good egg. Now also watch out for jugs of dirty car oil, because if you were to accidentally kick one over, your foot would probably end up kicking the butt of somebody who just wandered into your garage and started messing everything up.
105  Christmas Shopping IIgregDone212/24/2011
    If you want to have a proper Tennessee smooth-sippin' holiday that's the only way." "NO WAY!" I retorted. "I don't want the malls to close until midnight! Because then I will have time to start shopping for Groundhog Day!!!!!!!!!!"
103  Zombie Attack!gregDone226/10/2010
     But by that point there must have been at least 1,000 zombies! They were now known to be in cahoots with the left wing red diaper doper babies. we are doomed...... We'll marinate them in 4 ounces of gooey, green, groddy BRAINS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
102  The Art of DeclutteringbettyDone218/4/2009
    We put them just where they belonged: in your face, boy!! IN YOUR FACE!! HAHAHAHA!!!! Then, we passed our box of clutter in a circle like Musical Chairs, and whoever ended up with the box, then that person had to chase the Fly Lady all over the room with a butterfly net.
101  The hathood of the traveling brown hat.rhondaDone213/20/2009
    Not just any brown hat, mind you, but specifically it was really a purple hat that was needed. So we walked to the Beatific Bonnet Boutique, looked in the window, and saw just what we wanted: a winning lottery ticket! Right there in the parking lot! Now we could afford to add several egret feathers and even a boa to the brim of the traveling brown hat.
100  The Nephews come to VisitgregDone2212/9/2008
    It all started when Ethan ran into the living room to take a swing in Greg's new hanging chair, only to discover that he had forgotten his Prozac. He was starting to get psycho just thinking about it! To calm him down, we tried to make the boys go to bed early, but alas they had eaten too many bags of ice for their swollen eyes.
99  Laser Eye SurgerygregDone2010/3/2008
    Smith. Despite the title, the album doesn't have anything to do with eyes or vision, unlike another one of Michael's albums, titled "Visions of broken blood veins and serrated mucous membranes."
98  Abiathar the Superhero!gregDone214/27/2007
     Moments later, they came upon a wide, glistening puddle of goo. It looked like an experiment by Dr. Vahzilok, or maybe the Council's attempts to try jumping over tall buildings was exceedingly successful, plus those mean old Outcasts failed to stop the arch-villain before his master plan was unveiled!
97  My New Video Game!bettyDone213/13/2007
    I jumped off the building right into the middle of 5 contaminated thugs who began pummeling the Playstation in frustration. Hey! That'd make a good name for a game: "Playstation Frustration"!
96  Fixing up my GardengregDone221/29/2007
     Away with you! They were 30 feet tall, 2 feet wide, and frankly they stink and I don't want them in my garden anymore. Away with you! Last summer I had installed the hammock between two pillars made of marble. They were 30 feet tall, 2 feet wide, and frankly they stink and I don't want them in my garden anymore.
95  Rearranging My New Tech RoombettyDone221/31/2007
    It even took control of the speakers, and it was saying "Santa Claus is coming to town" over and over again until I could not stand it any longer, so I stood up and moved the cabinet of electronics components closer to the desk, so they'd be easy reach when they climbed down from the high cat tower.
94  Speeding Down the HighwaybettyDone2112/4/2006
    Re! A golden drop of perspiration gently made a rivulet down my forehead and off the tip of my spoiler! That's how slippery this car is. It moves through air like a hot knife through butter. Like a tax hike in a Democrat controlled Congress." I didn't want to argue, so I pretended to be listening to Bill O'Reilly on the radio.
93  Having SurgerygregDone2012/1/2006
    He paused, and then continued: " I want every intern to pay attention here. Watch me make this incision, and I don't want anybody to cry when I'm gone. I've lived a long, full life and don't have any regrets. What I want is for all this bleeding to stop!" He gravely wrote, "I, being of sound mind and body, do hereby express my wishes in this last will and testament."
92  Accountant at WorkgregDone214/1/2006
     As a CPA, I know all about the financial complexities involved in running a business. My name's Carl. I'm an accountant. One day the boss looked over my shoulder and started laughing hilariously, and then he bellowed, "
91  What I Saw When I Took a WalkbettyDone213/31/2006
    Yum! It was crunchy and really really tasty! I gathered up a few and put them in my pocket so I could give them to the police officer when he hauled me in for questioning before being charged with trespassing. I had no choice but to sit down on the grass and start scraping the dog poop off my shoes.
90  Learning a Foreign LanguagegregDone222/4/2006
    Stephen Hawking and he said "Isn't that something! Isn't that something! We started laughing hilariously and we had to enunciate to be understood. If you mispronounce something you could really offend somebody by saying something you didn't intend.
89  Putting out Christmas LightsbettyDone212/3/2006
     I could hear the sound of sleigh bells coming from the roof! Could it be? Would I really get to see Santa Claus??? We rushed to the roof and searched for hoofprints in the snow, but all we found were stale, broken gingerbread cookies from last year. What we really hoped for was the grand prize offered by the local newspaper for "Best Illumination".
88  Lazor Beam HydragregDone2212/16/2005
    Confused, I said, " Please don't eat me! I promise to stay out of your way, and believe me, you'll never know that I used a degreazor!
87  Concert at Chrysler HallbettyDone2112/14/2005
    Don't you wish everybody would have dressed up the way WE did?!! Just look at those people who are wearing outfits that must have cost in the quadruple digits. I was thinking Goldman and Sachs. I asked, and they said please to take our seats immediately!
86  Touring EuropebonnieDone2112/13/2005
     The driver was chatting incessantly and I was sure she wasn't the real tour guide. She didn't seem to know much about the countryside, nor did she know much about the practice of rounding up American tourists and pressing them into slave labor.
85  Christmas ShoppingbettyDone2212/1/2005
     It's that time of the year again! We bundled up and headed for the mall. But before we got there, we stopped at Starbucks to get revved up.
84  Working at McDonald'sgregDone2112/1/2005
     It would seem that fast-food production was more streamlined and technology-driven than even Dilbert could ever imagine! The new kitchen at Mc Donald's could satisfy even a barnyard full of swine. That's why we never eat at McDonald's anymore!
83  Trip to the Pumpkin PatchsherryDone2211/7/2005
    They had to throw up their hands and scream "Eureka!!!!" Everyone turned their attention to us and the farmer (who was very creative about recycling) used old tires to start a bonfire. Boy, it stank, but the flames reached to pick up a jar of homemade apple butter! I had to squint to read the obiturary, but I managed to make out "squished by a giant pumpkin"!
82  test2gregDone249/16/2015
    That's why I wear dorky clothes and spike my hair with glittery gel.
81  Going Into Space IIgregDone2110/28/2005
     Bibbidi Time for launch of the Mars Express I rocket was drawing near. We were all nervously excited.
80  Taking Computer ClassbettyDone2010/27/2005
    Ha ha ha!" We all had a big laugh. But the truth was hard to swallow; in fact I was so overwhelmed, that I had to make the computer do what the teacher wanted it to do! I couldn't believe it! What a easy test this was! I had learned this stuff in high school.
79  Cooking Show IIgregDone219/27/2005
    Let me demonstrate, Kent." Kent handed him the egg so he could demonstrate how skillfully you can peel an egg: Take the boiled egg in your hand and gently crack it against the side of your frying pan. Very carefully, Kent lifted the phone to his ear. he said cautiously. a voice exclaimed.
78  Potty Training the TwinsbettyDone219/24/2005
     You know eating prunes will always cause them to cooperate because they want to buy combat boots in order to have enough traction to navigate the poop-slimed floor. We went to Outdoor World and found 2 very dirty diapers behind the bookcase.
77  Noisy NeighborsbonnieDone219/23/2005
    I just wondered if you knew there's a bowling alley right up the road. It's really not necessary for you to practice at home. I think they're even open at this time: your mouth! It needs to be CLOSED at this time!!"
76  Driving Across CountrybettyDone229/16/2005
    We will probably end up going into a rest area to collect tourist pamphlets for the area. Of course, while we're there, we'll check out the local caves.
75  NASCAR DaysgregDone219/9/2005
     duh...I don't know. It's a terrible thing to lose your train of thought in such an intense environment! You have to be able to think on your feet! Look at what's at stake, for crying out loud!
74  Conserving WaterbonnieDone229/9/2005
    It may be your only chance to go to the bathroom before we do our one and only daily flush.
73  The Best Diet Ever!sherryDone218/31/2005
     Haven't seen you in so long!" Ha, Ha! This is great! Next thing you know, you will be skin and bones. No one will know you. Everyone will think you are Shamu the Orca if you wear a tuxedo before your diet is accomplished.
72  What a Yard Sale!bettyDone208/23/2005
     You know the old joke. It rattles. There's a warning label. You give it to somebody, and when they open it, 20 bullfrogs will jump out! Won't they be surprised.
71  Test PilotgregDone218/17/2005
    And I didn't need a stupid navigator to tell me where we were. I knew perfectly well that we were over the coldest part of a TV dinner when you get it out of the microwave is always the center part.
70  A Day in the Life of a DorksherryDone218/14/2005
     And what's more, your nose is too much to resist. This is why I never go into CompUSA unsupervised." I nodded, and added, " Boy! Am I a Dork! Can you tell that I am a MENSA member? My IQ is higher than my weight."
69  Time for a Checkup!bonnieDone218/3/2005
    Why, just the other day I thought I felt a lump there, so it's a relief to find out that the rash would only last for a few more weeks and would clear up once I started eating more liver and spinach, as prescribed by the doctor.
68  Building My New Cat CondobettyDone217/10/2005
    (Hey, I was in a hurry!) Besides, it only cost 89 cents. And I had a coupon for $1 off so he had to give me 11 cents back. Muhahaha! They'll never figure it out! They'll see little toy mice dangling from the penthouse roof. They will just love all the neat ideas I have come up with for their entertainment.
67  Putting Up WallpapergregDone216/12/2005
     Quit that! You're getting wallpaper paste all in my hair! uh oh, I'm all out. That's OK, because we bought extra rolls just in case. Try to line up the red hexagons so they match. This has to be done very carefully!
66  My Newest Home Improvement Project!bettyDone205/17/2005
    After all that hard work, the value of the property went up so much I got an offer I couldn't refuse, and I moved into a condo.
65  Phone CallbonnieDone215/9/2005
    Where's the positive reinforcement?" The space marine sergeant harrumphed. "Positive ree-en-forcement?! This ain't no namby-pamby country club! This is taking too long. What's your point?" "Okay, okay. I thought I'd better tell you what type of weapons you'll be using.
64  Airline PilotgregDone214/23/2005
     Be sure to tell all the passengers to please consider us the next time they're making travel plans. It's important for you to remember that each passenger stepped carefully over the puddles of puke and gladly walked down the metal stairway into the fresh air of Tarmac City, U.S.A.
63  I'm Not In It For The...bonnieDone214/6/2005
    It's going to stay there until you get a good principal!" "We don't want a good principal!" "We want more crackerjacks!
62  Hosting a Cooking ShowbettyDone214/12/2005
     You know they will want to taste some of the leavings had fallen on the floor and gone unnoticed. Eventually, this began to attract flies. "Who left the window open?" He shouted. "Close that window before that monkey gets in!" But it was too late, the hot cheese was dripping down onto the bottom of the oven and causing a terrible night with Nielsen's ratings.
61  Ain't It Cool?gregDone224/7/2005
     I know you will sound like a foghorn, and that will mean that you will need to put some totally awesome detailing on your car. We're talking flames comin' out of the freakin' wheel wells, a Confederate flag on either side, and the hood a big ol' skull ring -- solid silver!
60  Competing with Starbuck'sbonnieDone214/2/2005
    With that, she turned around and punched her in the face as hard as she could. She flipped right over the counter! One shoe came off and smacked a customer in the face!
59  My First Ocean CruisebettyDone213/28/2005
    " I could have told you he was crazy, and everyone would have agreed with me, but still, no one could believe what he did next: he set the throttle to flank speed, and ran the ship aground, right in the middle of the beach!
58  Captain UnderpantsgregDone213/23/2005
    He had super strength, could fly, was invulnerable, yet was about as smart as a brick. His nemesis, Professor Poopypants, won a blue ribbon at the county fair for producing the longest poop--a record hard to beat.
57  New Year's Resolutions!bonnieDone213/18/2005
     So we're focusing on diet, exercise, stress management and decluttering of house, home, and mind. A big job, but somebody's got to do it, and it might as well be YOU! We must improve our health! So we're focusing on diet, exercise, stress management and decluttering of house, home, and mind.
56  Saturday Morning's Cartoon MarathonbettyDone213/13/2005
    All part of a balanced beam that came crashing through the front door. Lieutenant Leotard and his gymnastic Cadre of Doom were attacking the Mars Landing Base. Bam! Bam! The rockets landed with a great sound like a car crash!
55  Spy Base AlphagregDone213/8/2005
     Also here is a good one: "To be or not to be?" Me thinks in our midst we have a genuine emergency! The mood in the room instantly electrified. Tense, shrill voices, eyes bugging out, people running too and fro trying hard to see the meteor shower.
54  Texas WinterbonnieDone203/3/2005
     How did I get here? It's so hot and the heat makes me feel like dancing! It makes me want to dance! When I hear the music playing The Yellow Rose of Texas.
53  Christmas Shopping - 2004bettyDone202/26/2005
     The salesman crooned. "Have a seat on this bench while I go into Best Buy. I need to, umm, get some stuff." An hour later my receipt showed up in my e-mail. And with that, I got out a notepad and pencil, and started planning for NEXT Christmas!
52  Modeling AgencygregDone212/21/2005
     To help me, I want to ask Mr. Trump if he will sponsor our expo. we'll be able to afford all the makeup we will ever need.
51  All I Need Is...bonnieDone212/16/2005
    To see a good selection I think I will have to go to the baths, and have a good soak. After that I should feel really blessed and just happy to be alive.
50  My Summer at the Archeological DigbettyDone212/11/2005
     No one would find it there. Nonchalantly, I disassembled the fallacious evolution display with a sledgehammer. Then I took it and gingerly brushed away the centuries of dust to discover that there in my own hand I held the actual genuine ignition key that went to the landscaper's riding lawnmower.
49  Shopping at Lowe'sgregDone202/6/2005
     The driver groaned, "That's gotta hurt!" And then I wallpapered the bathroom with all my receipts from Lowe's... I had enough to make two layers. Unfortunately as I quickly rounded the corner, I ran right into the forklift!
48  Anorexia TherapybonnieDone212/1/2005
    Probably. Your other alternative is to eat yogurt 3 times a day. To add to the great nutritional value of the yogurt, you can add chopped tuna. That will add good protein without making you feel overfull. Eat quickly, and that saltine cracker will be gone before you know it.
47  Building My New House!bettyDone231/27/2005
    and this time, do it right. "You haven't even seen the rooftop gardens yet!" and this time, do it right. She shrieked. "You haven't even seen the rooftop gardens yet!"
46  Ultimate Ninja IIgregDone211/22/2005
     These can be achieved by correct application of sunscreen and limiting your time in the sun, for day brings visibility, and a ninja must be unseen as much as possible! Therefore most ninjas tend to sleep only 2 hours at a time. Then it's back to the gym to practice yoga and sip nutritional frothy ice cream sodas!
45  Election Day!bettyDone211/17/2005
     Then John Edwards told him, "It would really be to your advantage to settle on one candidate, especially the one who wanted to lower taxes and advocated more refreshments for the people who went to the trouble to come out to vote!
44  A Day in the Life of...bonnieDone201/12/2005
     We couldn't believe it! Such a concentration of food in such close proximity! Immediately we set to bringing it into the nest. Delirious with joy, I lept aboard the ship that would take me home. My home, seen only in faded memories after all those years...
43  High School CarwashgregDone201/7/2005
     Boy, did it stink! It smelled like the driver must be a smoker. Frowning, we decided we could first try vacuuming up all the fragments of dried vomit.
42  Pushed Over the EdgebonnieDone211/2/2005
    Disturbed, I asked him, " What blood type are you? You know I think I can analyze your problem. Can you give me a sample of your artwork. Our analysis of that will give us a lot of insight into your mental problems."
41  Cleaning Out the GaragebettyDone2112/28/2004
     I made a path toward the window when suddenly I saw a large water-stained cardboard box with bulging sides.
40  HULK SMASH!gregDone2012/23/2004
    we heard bellowed from outside. It wasn't the first time we had heard it. The building shook with a bone-buzzing boom!
39  Joining the PTAbonnieDone2012/18/2004
     Entering my study, I admired anew this soothing room. It was easy to relax in here. The smooth, dark polished wood, rich carpeting and drapes, and extensive collection of leather-bound books always served to calm my racing mind. But today my concerns would not so easily be laid to rest.
38  Going to the County FairbettyDone2012/13/2004
    I've got aspartame posioning!" He started to spin drunkenly, crying "My head! but we grabbed him and wanted to turn him inside out, if you know what I mean. But we controlled ourselves and decided to give him the riot act.
37  News at 11gregDone2012/8/2004
     "It's the best way to sneak up on someone, and then, the instant you know they see you, you shout, 'NINJA!'"
36  Investigating VegetarianismbonnieDone2112/3/2004
     They figured I could use more protein and the oil from the stir-fry would satiate my hunger because the fat becomes trans-fat and demolishes your electrolyte balance; thereby making you feel dizzy and giving you a craving for filet mignon, wrapped in bacon and smothered in mushrooms and fried onions.
35  Boppy's Trip to TexasbettyDone2111/28/2004
    We scraped it up off the road, and put it in a tortilla! Everything tastes good in a tortilla!
34  Dance ClassbonnieDone2111/23/2004
    Fortunately, they breezed through all the physical training and went on to become decorated infantry. Their only recourse was to join the Army.
33  The Minotaur KinggregDone2111/18/2004
     "Boy, this is sure going to blow my diet!" she said, " Get your armor on and sharpen your sword and let's go do some fighting, and then let's go do some laundry, because I'm sure you'll all agree we're starting to smell. I noticed a stream of urine running down the side of the cavern wall.
32  The Bizarre BazaarbonnieDone2011/13/2004
    he waved me away as he threw his creaky voice back over his shoulder. "The next one will." With that, he picked up a huge axe and smashed it into the table! "You overcharged me for that GI Joe figure!
31  My Trip Around the WorldbettyDone2111/8/2004
     This is good for an appetizer. What's the main course?" I am sorry to say the natives are offering us sauteed monkey brains.
30  Downtown PrecinctgregDone2211/3/2004
    And sometimes I had to bash some heads to make it happen. someone yelled, "have you seen those platinum handcuffs that were in the display case?!! They're missing! The sargeant will have our heads in we don't find them!
29  Growing Up on a FarmbettyDone2110/29/2004
    Then we realized it was just Sid fartin'. He does that whenever the pigs and hogs won't share their slop. What a mess they make! Well, here's another bucket of swill for them...Splash! And I think I will also add some corn to the pig's food. They seem to like that.
28  The Dinosaur WorldbonnieDone2110/24/2004
     "It's so humid and hot here. I'm so sweaty." Everyone agreed and started looking around. "Look at all these fossilized bones. I wonder how old they really are. Would they be as old as me?" She shook her head, and replied "I imagine these dinosaurs are at least 100 years old. You can tell because the skin is so scaly and rough.
27  Gardening with BettygregDone2010/19/2004
     Hello, and welcome to Gardening with Betty! I'm your host, Betty! Today we're going to look at these ivys. We have English, Boston, variegated; why we even have poison oak and poison ivy! Now you must beware of the last two because they are poisonous.
26  On the Open RoadbonnieDone2110/14/2004
    I said, and I turned around to go again. There is nothing that is more fun than going down hill in a red wagon. Zoom! Down you go! Everybody out of the way!
25  The International VillagebonnieDone2110/9/2004
    She knew they wouldn't harm her. Just one look at the M-60 machine gun she had slung easily over her shoulder and they knew she meant business.
24  Weekend in ParisgregDone2110/4/2004
     "I don't know," I said. "I guess they just are all born rude. Everyone I meet has a smart-aleck thing to say when I ask them a question. The next time this happens, I am going to say, " Be sure to securely fasten your bungee cord before you jump!" That is, if I'm ever even at the Eiffel Tower again!
23  Xander Goes ShoppingbettyDone229/29/2004
    cried Ethan. "Xander, you already have two, and I have only one! I want one more chocolate cake!" exclaimed Bonnie. "But you don't have enough money to pay for that Spiderman suit and mask. Look in your other pockets and see if you can find any more Barbie dolls for Haley so she can play dolls with her sister and also with her cousin, Ethan."
22  Fart DictionarybonnieDone219/24/2004
    they're actually farting in harmony! Now that's what I call skilled. When they heard us say that, they immediately began farting in unison. they're actually farting in harmony! Now that's what I call skilled. You are a sissy!" When they heard us say that, they immediately began farting in unison.
21  Boot CampgregDone219/19/2004
    What would you want on yours?" "A spoiler, chromed blower, and a fire-engine red paint job!" I exclaimed, beaming. "And I just might get it, too, it's just what I need in my tent when we go camping out in the woods.
20  Good Old Pop's Drive-inbettyDone219/14/2004
     I could hardly wait to get to Pop's! I was so hungry, and the food always tasted so much like chicken. Even when we put barbecue sauce on it. But then it tasted like it came out of the dumpster! How could this be? Every other time the food had tasted fresh and good. Maybe it was because the cook turned out to be an ex-con.
19  Going Back to CollegebettyDone219/9/2004
     I want you to know that I make the final decision, so you better be on your p's and q's. So look me in the eye and tell me where the bathroom is? Cuz I really, really, REALLY gotta go."
18  If You Give a Mouse a CookiebonnieDone219/4/2004
     They are so rude. They must have learned how to do that from reading Soldier of Fortune magazine. I mean, these rodents were *organized*.
17  Our Summer VacationbettyDone218/30/2004
     It must have been cooked with bacon grease. That explained the pleasant, Southern-style, down home-cooking smell! he said, "I gotta get tickets for my next vacation. This one has been a blast! We have had so much fun that I know next summer will be even better.
16  Trapped in a MinegregDone218/25/2004
     So he took one stick, and he cut it into one inch pieces and used them to start a fire. someone complained, "You'll use up all our air!" But I knew she was wrong because she was always wrong.
14  Our Visit to the LibrarybonnieDone218/15/2004
     Then we go directly to the reference section so we can look up Guinea Worms.
13  Stress Reduction TechniquesbonnieDone238/10/2004
     Look around. Are there any more suggestions from the audience? said the old man in the back.
12  My New Job at Burger KingbettyDone208/5/2004
     I get to spread big slabs of lard on the grill, before I start frying the sausage. All the customers just love the big hot greasy patties served with generous chunks of meat.
11  Cooking with GrandmabettyDone227/31/2004
    I thought we we were having T-bone steaks! What a bummer. You know hot dogs give me terrible indigestion, and not only that, they also give me a set of free ginseng knives, you know, the kind you use for energy-supporting herbs.
10  Ultimate NinjagregDone227/26/2004
     His weapons were locked in the cabinet and he had lost the key! Too bad. Well he would just have to use his fisticuff expertise.
 Wall Street BluesgregDone227/16/2004
    In which case, he proceeded to sweep up all the ticker tape from the Exchange floor. But he decided he needed help, so he asked a group of socialist insurgents to stop making so much racket and go buy them lunch.
 Going into SpacebettyDone217/11/2004
    They bathe in artificial dihydrogen monoxide which was produced in a laboratory manned by hyper-intelligent mice. "You see," Sam explained, "they're almost as good as human researchers, but they get paid in cheese! Or these little wafers, made out of Soylent Green are so tasty, that the spaceship crew wanted to eat a whole galaxy.
 Ye Olde Medieval DaysbettyDone217/1/2004
    he exclaimed. "I have a demon in my castle tower. I think I will unleash him upon my evil enemy, the Earl of Sandwich!" He strode in purposely, a roast beef hoagie in one hand, and a salami grinder in the other. "So," Count Muenster declared, "We have thee to thank for these delightful victuals."
 Barrister the Lawyer CatbettyDone216/26/2004
    The shopkeeper couldn't believe it! What was happening?!! Here was the judge, jury, attorneys, the whole court coming into his store! We are going to get this matter settled once and for all, said the judge as he beckoned Lord Elsington to even higher status within the SSBC: Secret Society of British Cats.
 The Big ConundrumbettyDone216/21/2004
    The eyes, the nose, even the way he parted his hair. He waved at him, and yelled, "Where did you graduate from?
 Woo baby!gregDone216/16/2004
     There just had to be a way to satisfy all the parties involved. Maybe if he bought more turkey pepperoni everyone would be happier. After all who wants on their pizza those dripping greasy carrot sticks. exclaimed Betty. "You deep-fried carrots sticks???" Bonnie nodded gleefully, and handed her a big basket of individually wrapped rolls of toilet paper. A bonus to be sure!
 Big ComputergregDone186/11/2004
    he wasn't. In fact, he still had enough time to play another game of Warlords Battlecry.