Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022      I can plant them one by one all lining the sidewalk. When they bloom they will look as if they are marching, and when the neighbors see them, they will exclaim, " and I'll say, "Well, there's the Spam, egg, sausage, and Spam... that's not got much Spam in it." And when they say, "I don't want ANY Spam! 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021     It's now known as The Enforcer. Most other people would flee or cower in the face of such peril, but we could always count on him to fire up the grill!! Get those steaks ready!! He was always generous with sprinkling the garlic salt, but he was very careful with the bottle of 1931 Sauvignon Blanc from France. 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021     hmmm may be those masks really are good for something! However, I hate people telling me what to do, ...like I have to use fully-jacketed rounds at the indoor shooting range, because they're concerned about LeAd PoIsOnInG... 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020      The most suspicious aspect of the whole thing was how many armed guards we saw. For some reason, security had been increased overnight by a factor of 10. 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020     We're headed for the Mexican border. Would you pass the TV remote control? I need to find out what the score is. I guess I could find out on my phone, but turkey grease had dripped all over it. Now get in, loser. We're headed for the Mexican border. Would you pass the TV remote control? I need to find out what the score is. 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019      Sometimes these opportunities happen unexpectedly, so I headed out to the Xander/Boppy burning pit to strike a match to one bag of paper trash and to another bag that held the other albums Mannheim Steamroller was famous for: Christmas Extraordinaire. 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019      While you're there, make sure you order at least one latte and sit by a window as you watch go by the wayside. And you can't help but wonder, " Will these trolls ever leave me alone? 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     I need at least a dozen hot meat pies and lots of layers to survive a cold night such as this. The wind howled ferociously out the window. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019     On that note her cousin from France came for a visit and her name was... VoilaLeiya! That cousin from France was a little strange, she had peculiar habits like washing her dishes in the bidet, injecting Thai hot sauce into her croissants before eating them, and always driving LalaLeiya and her cousin around to see the sights, and we could never pass a Long John Silver's without their putting up a big fuss. 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019     My scalp was tingling! And the popping in my ears was like I had never felt before ! Almost like I was back at wrestling training camp in Louisville, Kentucky. I was barely a stick of a kid back then but I had big dreams. Dreams of glory, lights, adoration, and colorful knit ski masks. Within just a couple weeks, I had already earned a cool nickname, which I've used to this day. 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019      After that, the obvious problem to solve then was put the Tranformers together and invite my friends over. They would be so impressed with my new toy' When they arrived they looked at my grand display and with great enthusiam, they said, " 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018      I can bring roast beef sandwiches, and you can bring a few bottles of beer! You can bring a few bottles! Take one out, pass it around, 98 bottles of fire propellant, obviously. 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018      I just shut my eyes really tight and slowly scooted backward into the nearby escape pod. Luckily it was activated already, so the geiger counter started a vigorous ticking. 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018     He flipped the couch over violently, and once he had our attention, screamed, " NOT THOSE!!" Exasperated, I loaded my shotgun. No more screwing around. Sometimes, only brute force can solve a problem. 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018      How fun! And you definitely need some actual sunglasses if you're going to have an outside job in the summer, as well as a hat, sunscreen, and obviously you also need to have the emergency number nearby in case of a drunk late night customer. 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018     And it's a good thing they did, because if they hadn't done so, and quick, we all know what would have happened. So thankfully, it didn't, and because it didn't there will not be any baby tufts of stump grass growing in the vast emptiness of outer space. 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018     No one could argue with that. But here's another question: if you've named a mouse Milo, can you ever set out a mousetrap for him? 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017     They were unbeatable. They were everywhere at once. As soon as any player was in the least bit of jeopardy, he would take the ball and throw it out the dorm window onto the crowd of new freshmen coming in.They started yelling and running toward the gym. Meanwhile, just leaving from there was a group of sweaty pony-tailed girls running toward the cafe we could smell the delicious aromas. 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017      What to feed them??? I know! We can give them bowls of scorpions! We scooped them up during our daily desert hike. 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      And isn't that part of the fabric of life? Letting yourself just enjoy all the simple things is life are so valuable. Surely someone would figure out that what I really wanted was a simple joy. And isn't that part of the fabric of life? Letting yourself just enjoy all the simple things is life are so valuable. 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017     I am sure Donald Trump himself would order at least five! Then arrange them attractively around the orange pools of grease that the pepperoni left behind. 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016     You don't want to get stuck with too much time on our hands, we decided just to go shopping. First we went to Cosco and loaded up on lots of wood glue, posterboard, hammers, and nuclear material. That's everything we need for assembling a Gatling gun! 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016      Other than that, who would be there? Maybe some hopeful whiners and a few frowning judges. 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016      We all got to see Xander's room for the very first time! It's on the second floor, overlooking the placid lake, so blue and relaxing, and what is that swimming over the surface? It must be a family of enthusiastic UTSA alumni! They're delighted with the constant flow of free T-shirts, hors d'oeuvres, gift bags, and lanyards with name tags that say, " 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016     He looked at me like I was an idiot. he said as we sped toward the marina. When we got there, a huge fog bank rolled in, and it looked really scary, so we waited until the sun went down. 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016      I asked the head of NASA for advice, and thoughtfully, he advised me to spead the word about this legendary plant. Many have never heard of it, and if they have, they think What's the use?? 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016      Well, in that case, we should string up some clothesline in the back yard. One end we could wrap around the big pine tree, and the other end we could tie to the neck of an ISIS terrorist! Hahaha! Actually, I meant the the white clothes should be separated from the red, but I forgot and washed them together! 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016     However, I must add more hot if I'm going to have a snowball fight, I need to build a fort! And I will build it out of lots of catnip and wine. 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     So we packed the extra stuff into a priority box and sent it to Hell in a handbasket! 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      I am so bored!! I might as well take a nap. It's cold & cloudy today, so I am going to find my fur gloves and my fur hat, and put them on my dresser next to my collection of Birkenstocks and in fact, they were taking up so much floor space, that I had to rearrange a few things so that it would boil and roil and steam was rising rapidly. 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016     You aren't a cow!!" Who knew organic farming could be so aggravating that I decided to rewrite the whole list. Starting again with #1, I pledged to try again. 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015      Man, I will hate to go to court and stand before the magistrate and hope you don't get thrown in jail until you paid every penny because you were cruel to your debtors and the king found about it. Sweating, I said "Give me that package!" But the UPS driver kept holding it out his window, pulling forward 20 feet at a time, laughing. 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015      I decided to find out, so I set up a roadside stand at the end of our driveway, and started waving down every third driver in the Indy 500. 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015      The street was not too busy, except around lunchtime when my stomach was really growling and my co-workers I am sure could hear the embarrassing sounds of grinding gears. 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015      The next aroma you smell will be burning leaves of course from Stephens back yard. he makes me want to put on a harness attached with strong rope and carabiners to something sturdy. This is what's known as fall protection gear. 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015     I first heard about them when they appeared as my Wiki Word of the Day. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     How peaceful and pretty. But then I spied flying across the full moon, a big hulking tomato like I had never seen! I couldn't believe my eyes! 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     You'll have to rely on supplements or special blended shakes fortified with lead?!?!? Seriously, lead?!?!? Who puts that in a box of chocolate covered cherries. I picked one out and looked closely and crawling out of it, I saw a grayish-white shadow. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015     I also took my time thinking up a good password. too smart for me" !! I just gave up and started playing Soda Crush. 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     We are all getting tired of this continual harassment. And make sure you tell him to bring exact change. When you're buying tickets for entertainment purposes, it's best if you just ignore this storyline because it does not have one. Who thought this up anyway?? It must have been Mr. 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015      Give me a break! Isn't real life reality enough? Instead they should think how they would feel in that situation. Only then can a person really have the courage to stand up before an audience and give a rallying speech. Make sure you have good posture and have a glass of water hidden under the blankets. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     They then proceeded to knock over all my pink flamingoes in protest and put arsenic in the birdbath. That was the last straw! I needed to go to the store to buy more straws to build my custom-crafted trellis. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015      I had to have plenty of room to make the icing made with butter and powdered sugar. Into that, sprinkle some delicately iced with pastel swirls of curled ribbon. The most delicious part is the unique combination of chocolate chips, coconut, chopped pecans, and held together by welded high-gauge wire. 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     Red clothes will set it off so, be sure to take the time to look around and enjoy the scenery. You will see gigantic rocks like you have never seen before! I nudged up against one, and it started to move toward a shady spot under a rock. There, under a little tree, we saw all colors of lichens growing on the bald rock. 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015     They don't accept senior citizens, teenagers, or Discover Card. Oooooooooo. They don't accept senior citizens, teenagers, or Discover Card. 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015     on every paper except one, on which she wrote: "100%" She felt pleased whenever the students got all the questions right. 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     It was a .38 revolver which I bought at the Dollar General Store. They were having a big sale and on the main shelves were stacks of old magazines that I had never read. Popular Science, Popular Mechanics, Family Handyman, as well as buckets of confetti, streamers, and plenty of loud outfits that we got from the thrift store. 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     And Colleen's kick-yo-ass hot sauce! Maybe then it will be easier to accomplish.The first rule of making a good resolution is to make it specific. 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014      Second, you have to get someone to put their finger in the middle of a bow, so you can pull out just as much as you need. 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014      We had to turn on the exhaust fan and spray around the room a big new can of WD-40. The perfect answer to our problem--WD-40 is famous as a remedy for squeaky hinges and cleaning away sticky gunk, but I bet you didn't know you can also use it for a lethal weapon. 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014     Now I know my electric bill will go up!" I was kidding of course, but I knew now the county would surely waive the rule about no inflatables taller than 40 feet! Some people think they are dead! 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     It's a good thing I was wearing my boots. The cave floor was piled high with years of bat guano. 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014     I ain't flying in no plane, you crazy alien from Mars! How did you get here? I bet you traveled on a expired visa! Bad boy! Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? I'm talking about the ICE, of course, and they don't have space suits safe enough to last over 6 months on Mars. 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     Looking into the distance, I could see the splendor of the rising sun. It was brilliant! So much in fact that I had to cover my eyes with cucumbers slices. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014     I handed them to the nurse, but she shook her head and said, " Oh my!!! What a garbled mess this has become!!! At least I was able to kill all the drop bears and goblins, well, sort of, I guess." 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     I was beginning to freak out a little because it was quite large, ugly AND smelly! There was no way to get out! I looked and looked for the EXIT sign, but all I saw was a blur. 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     He was there the ENTIRE TIME! When I realized that, I began to run as fast as I could to get home. sign. I had come too far and seen too much to stop now! So I kept going until I reached the end of of the road...and there was the sun setting in a gorgeous display of orange and gold !! Put your hands behind your back stalked a ninja! 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013     After that, all they could think about was getting to Pop's before it closed, so they could each buy a ticket to ride in the new roller coaster, "Maximus Vomitorium", designed by a team of students. 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     Maybe the best thing to do is to load Minecraft and build a house out of solid gold blocks. 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     She went to the cobbler and moved into a pie full of four-and-twenty blackbirds. All I can say is, I don't know what someone plans to do with all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't fall asleep. 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     No one could have anticipated the catastrophe that was just around the corner. We heard a terrible noise and looked out to see a bunch of dudes sitting around eating beans. They were scarfing them down by the bowlful. Then we knew we were in store for greenhouses gases by the cubic yard. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013      I was scared that in it would be a basket of fruit. like a nice day at the beach with relaxing waves, shimmering sunlight, and lots of ketchup for the French fries. Heck, I'll order some onion rings too. And for dessert, we wanted Royal Crown Colas and Moon Pies !! 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     We don't have time to cook it in the oven!!" He replied, "It would cost a bazillion dollars to cater Thanksgiving dinner to the whole town! But that's okay, Christmas is just six days away!!" "How much for a deep fat fryer big enough for a turkey?? 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     Next I got out the shop vac to try to scoop up that big puddle of spit on the desk where I apparently had passed out from exhaustion. on the Discovery channel, and in the other hand I was flipping through my JOGAR recipe book I found a recipe for pizza with added chopped beef? 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012     That's not champagne. It's actually going to be a Midnight Madness Sale and we will certainly be going to it and after that we want to get a bite to eat at the newly opened wormhole in the fabric of space!" The crew silently gazed out the viewportals at the void of purest black, which was at least 50 kilometers across, and was surrounded with a coruscating aura of all manner of colors as particles of light were sucked in at speeds exceeding 120 mph !! 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     I had dozens of them, piled everywhere! They smelled like rotting potatoes. It was horrible. I tried to scoop them up with a long-handled metal scythe that we got from Reapers 'R' Us. 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011     I yelled out the window as the car shot out of the stocking which was hanging on the mantle. I heard a rustling in the chimney, an looked up and saw a huge SALE sign!!! 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     We'll marinate them in 4 ounces of gooey, green, groddy BRAINS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     Now we go shopping for NEW stuff!! zombies had invaded and were eating people's brains and throwing newspapers helter skelter down from the attic until finally everything was listed on Ebay and Craigslist. 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009      Believe it or not , I was going to act the part of the fool! That way they would never suspect that the next place I put the hat would be like crushing prunes into stewed okra. Things would really move along then! 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     It all started when Ethan ran into the living room to take a swing in Greg's new hanging chair, only to discover that he had forgotten his Prozac. He was starting to get psycho just thinking about it! To calm him down, we tried to make the boys go to bed early, but alas they had eaten too many bags of ice for their swollen eyes. 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008     Could it possibly lead to early development of cataracts? I need to know because who wants to be blind for the rest of his life?!!" I decided to get a second opinion. The new doctor examined me, and with a big smile on his face, said to me, " Boy are you in luck! Just today we got a whole shipment of dynamic proportions." 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007      Abiathar needs Artorios's help. So Abiathar asked him to pass the potatoes. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we do some serious bashing! After dinner, he got to his feet and threw a zombie up in the air with his Jawbreaker, while at the same time he grabbed a troll by the ankle, spun him around and launched him into orbit with one flick of his manly wrist. 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007      I got home, opened the box, and inside I saw a giant strawberry! I could use it to make dessert with. I got my first 100 points with my first 100 kills. That was easy. Now for the next 500 points I would have to load up on missiles and ammo and armor before I woke up I had another dream about the battle! 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007     By then my blood is pumping, my head is cleared and I'm ready to spread the compost. Boy is it smelly! Hey I thought it was supposed to be odorless! Maybe it stinks because I was supposed to pick up a truckload of hardwood bark mulch from the nursery. 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007     It was the worst jumble of all, so I hid under the table and waited patiently. Soon, too soon, I heard steps creeping up the stairs, and into my new tech room burst Martha Stewart! 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006     There just isn't as much money in moving moonshine across state lines like there used to be. So I decided to turn in my driver's license and buy a bicycle. I really needed a new line of work. There just isn't as much money in moving moonshine across state lines like there used to be. 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006     It wouldn't have been the first time. They quietly ordered an X-ray of his brain, completely unsure what the bulge was. They were pretty sure though that the X-ray would show the presence of decades-old cysts the size of walnuts. 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006      If you don't believe us, just go look in the mirror, and you will see why all accountants insist on only being paid with gold bullion. 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006     I needed to see a doctor about that. So I took my cell phone and quickly dialed for help. I was in desperate straits! As soon as possible, I needed to go really bad! 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006      Just kidding, of course, but who knows, you may end up in Swaziland, in a dark jungle, surrounded by insipid but angry Frenchmen frothing epithets at us proudly patriotic Americans. They'll be so impressed they will spew! 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006     He ran inside the house to call the electric company because the power seemed to be off. He kept plugging in lights but instead of coming on, they would just explode like a long string a chinese firecrackers. Dodging tiny glass shrapnel, I jumped through hoops trying to get the lights to the top of the tree, but only succeeded in getting them around the rosey, a pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all sang "Ring Around the Rosie"! 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005      Luckily, they had heard this brainteazor before, (or hopefully one of them was a good gueszor). 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005     That restless sound soon reached the top balcony, where our VIP seats were. We could see the entire auditorium from here, as well as mink coats, diamond tiaras, and fancy tuxedos trimmed with mistletoe and holly. Oh! What fun it was to hobnob with all those blue bloods! 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005      I pulled my beret lower over my fear of crashing. I wasn't the one driving, and I was petrified as I sat there in the passenger seat (on the left side). 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005     He smiled, sat down and boo-hooed right there in the mall. What else could happen?!! Right away we started looking for a ribbon to put on the ribbon and I was good to go! 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005      He slapped a $500 dollar bill on the counter. "Those are out of circulation!" Bill exclaimed. the customer replied smugly. "It's legal tender. See? It says right here: "This product may contain peanuts and for those persons with allergies, it may cause severe difficulty in operating a vehicle or other heavy equipment!" 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005     I shuddered; I now knew why I liked pumpkin pie so much. I could hardly wait to get back home so I could start making trouble for everyone. I'm good at that!! Cackling evilly, I carved scary faces into all the pumpkins in the patch! 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015     Put them together and what have you got? woo boo -boo-boogaloo, boo-boo-boogalo! Put them together and what have you got? 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005     The asteroid is too big. In less than one minute we would look out the window and see whether we can make the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs. 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005     Fortunately he was home. "Hey! she whispered quickly. he exclaimed. "You can't be serious! You never learned to touch-type?!! 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     Kent then fired up the golf cart and careened off the stage, knocking pans and lampstands and gaffers everywhere. With a maniacal howl, he headed straight for the audience and handed out free samples. with at least a gallon of premium unleaded. Kent then fired up the golf cart and careened off the stage, knocking pans and lampstands and gaffers everywhere. 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005      They drew pictures of monsters that will scare the poop out of them!!! Hahaha! We put them in the bathtub because it's just easier to wipe two bottoms at the same time. 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005     With that, she jumped off the roof and landed in the kiddie pool. Splash! The water flew out and drenched the apple pie in whipped cream, which I then cheerfully took to the neighbor's house. 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005      I opened the window to breathe some fresh air, but all I could smell was bacon and coffee. That reminded me of when we went camping and we pitched the tent on the side of a hill: When it rained we started sliding down the hill and we landed in a cow patty. Squish. We immediately had a flat tire! 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005     Couldn't we get another sponsor, one who won't make us wear these stupid ballcaps? As if an answer to prayer, up walked none other than George W. Bush! red, white, and blue streaks were all we could see of the cars! They were going so fast, the asphalt was melting. 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005     Why don't you turn off the water while you brush your teeth? You don't need to flush the toilet every time you use it. Flush it only when you go number two. Or if it's really raining, then you better run out with every bowl or bucket you have. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005     It's your reward for your great progress. Now go ahead and make my day! Shoot me with your water gun that I know is really filled with great tips on maintaining your new weight. 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005      Delighted, I said, "This has been such a success, let's have a yard sale every weekend!" The grass was all mashed down, because all the people had found such great bargains, and were so delighted, they asked us if we would consider administering a state-wide network of yard sales from an executive highrise in Manhattan. 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005     The noise of the numberless engines would shake the earth. We would look out to the horizon and see all our parachutes flying out the window! OH NO! But that would cause the enemy to unleash the entirety of his airforce!! 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005     On the way out I could feel everyone's eyes on me, and I thought, "That's right ladies, you know you want a year's supply of ball point pens and above all a year's supply of comic books. I stored them neatly stacked next to all my old LP's. 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005     The doctor sighed and took out the tongue depressor and inserted it into the patient's file. "It's good for us to keep a copy of your dental records and a listing of all intimate encounters you've had for the past 2 years." 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     Like Confucious say, "Cat never full." That's why you have to have a wide base, or else a strong foundation, if you're going to make it that tall. So to save floor space, you could try cement ing your mouth shut and let me do the thinking, OK? Now it should be simple to fix. 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005      They wear out or break even before you've finished one project! It pays to set aside enough time to complete the job; otherwise, you are left with wallpaper paraphernalia strewn across the house for the next four months. 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005     I would rather have a masonry bit shoved up my butt than have to use these crappy tools again! Come on, we're almost finished! Just a few more nails into the roof shingles and we will be sure to use the right tool this time. As we've found out, it's well worth the expense in order to avoid the old nests of mice and rats between the walls, we decided to install a urinal in every bathroom! 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005      "Hop in and tell me where you want to go. I am your free taxi service today! But if you feel you must, you can just give me a chance! I'll be the best Space Marine you've ever seen, I promise! 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005      Then it felt much better. Reaching for the throw-up bag would be a good idea. Quickly, there is no time to waste! In a few seconds I will be unconscious from the lack of cabin pressure! I have to act quickly. I open the supply cabinet and what do I find? 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005     Because quitters never win, and winners never quit. And I'm a winner! I'm also a plumber and I really like going under people's houses. 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005      (Crowd goes "Ooooh!) Also, I prefer to use a plastic spatula, as opposed to eating what you fix right in front of the audience. You know they will want to taste some of the leavings had fallen on the floor and gone unnoticed. Eventually, this began to attract flies. 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005      We're going for a minimalist look here: clean lines, neutral colors. So what do you think?" I looked around before answering, noticing some men standing outside the window. 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005     He, with furrowed brow, and she, petulant, continued to argue over which was the best sweetener. 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005     Just act nonchalant, find stuff fun to do, and try to avoid getting eaten by a seagull! "They really ought to do something about that!" 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005      "Quick! To the Toiletmobile!" Captain Underpants and his sidekick Angel Soft jumped in the vehicle, and roared off to the water treatment plant! Unfortunately, once they got there, they discovered that Colonel Colon had eaten ALL the Grape-Nuts! When they arrived, his tummy was already started to gurgle. 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005      So we're focusing on diet, exercise, stress management and decluttering of house, home, and mind. A big job, but somebody's got to do it, and it might as well be YOU! We must improve our health! So we're focusing on diet, exercise, stress management and decluttering of house, home, and mind. 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005     "What's the deal with all the psychedelic colors?" She replied, "They did a study and found that children as young as 14 months would show a preference for brands they had seen advertised on TV!" 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005     That's a wrap. Thanks guys, we'll see you tomorrow." Clip after clip was burned through until we heard those momentous words: "Cut! 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005      Something was different this morning...was it...quieter somehow...yes, the hum of the air conditioner was gone! Surprised, I realized it must be in Texas, not Kansas after all. How did I get here? It's so hot and the heat makes me feel like dancing! 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005      And it's no wonder: the workers behind the counter looked as if they had been shopping for three days straight! "Ladies! You look exhausted!" The salesman crooned. "Have a seat on this bench while I go into Best Buy. I need to, umm, get some stuff." An hour later my receipt showed up in my e-mail. 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005     Taking a deep breath, Jacqueline stepped over to the male model and adjusted his collar. Nice! But still, she really did want to do modeling herself. Sigh. I guess for now, it was all just a fantasy! She paused for a final jelly doughnut before entering the inner sanctum of the plush office where dozens of models were milling around, considering who would look best in which outfit. 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005     Your first day will probably be the least fun because you will have to get all your shots and make sure your coffee maker is off when you leave the house. 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005      First we set up out tents and dug latrines into which to put the daily entries, which should include date, grid coordinates, name of the person who found it, and a description of ancient Babylonian bones with the addition of old photos of amazingly preserved pies! 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005      In fact, you may find that the selection of 2x4s has way too many knots in it. In which case, you should start over. As much of a headache that is, it'll be even worse if you led mold take control. 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005     You may end up being bulimic, but at least that won't kill you. Probably. Your other alternative is to eat yogurt 3 times a day. To add to the great nutritional value of the yogurt, you can add chopped tuna. 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005      "Well, at least I didn't try to dig a basement. I'm sure if I did I would have an underground playroom! Complete with tire swing, roller-skating area, dress-up box, and kitchenette! All the neighbors' kids were stomping in the mud, making a big mess: so I put them to work mixing up the cement instead. 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005     There is always another challenge around the corner, and the ninja must waste no time seeking it out! Therefore, today I ate 5 bowls of chili beans with chopped up hot dogs. Ah, the warm feeling in my tummy! Ah, the power coming out of my legs, my arms, my fingertips. 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005     I answered, "As a matter of fact, I do have clean hands and a pure heart, and I have not lifted up my hand to vote for John Kerry. Can you do better than that?" but he pledged allegiance to communism. Then John Edwards told him, "It would really be to your advantage to settle on one candidate, especially the one who wanted to lower taxes and advocated more refreshments for the people who went to the trouble to come out to vote! 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005     But he would not be the next one. When the coast was clear, he opened the new bag of IAMS and sniffed deeply all the way to the bottom of his nest. This was where all the larvae were stored, and must be protected at all costs. 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005     We took some of the money and used it for wiping up the spoiled milk in the back seat. Boy, did it stink! It smelled like the driver must be a smoker. Frowning, we decided we could first try vacuuming up all the fragments of dried vomit. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005      And who has time to do that? He cleaned his sink when the water would not go down any more. Yeah! Then he would celebrate with a big scream, which merged into tears which shot straight out for four feet, and led to snot rivers from the nose to the chin. 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004      All I need to know is are there any dead rats in here?! I sure don't want to be the one to find them! To look into those far corners, I think I will ask Mr. 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004     Little did he know, right around the corner there was Emil Blonsky, better known as the Abomination! His pasty yellow reptilian bulk towered over 8 feet tall. When he saw the Hulk he lost his cool and started sniveling and crying. 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004     "This PTA is disbanded. All your children will be going to Christian charter schools from now on!" The parents cheered while the teachers groaned. she said sweetly. "This PTA is disbanded. All your children will be going to Christian charter schools from now on!" 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004      But we controlled ourselves and decided to give him the riot act. He was behaving like a crazy judge out to block anyone and everyone from winning a blue ribbon, much less the coveted county prize: the purple ribbon. 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004     Moments later, they arrived at 10:55 with barely enough time to clip on their microphones and get in front of the camera. It was going to be a very big news day! Hurricane Bonnie had wiped out all of the office staff. Without meeting the deadlines on the paperwork, dozens of suspects would go free! 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004     But anyway, they would go on to tell everyone at Burger King that they were being sinfully cruel to the poor cowies, and contaminating themselves with chemicals and hormones and crap. 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     We scraped it up off the road, and put it in a tortilla! Everything tastes good in a tortilla! Meat, eggs, cheese, even chopped veggies mixed with ranch dressing, peanut butter, honey, butter, and more peanut butter. 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004      But was she flexible? instead of actually performing a dance. So she tried it, and her classmates didn't know whether to be impressed or amused. Her ability to spin on her toes was phenomenal. We could only watch in amazement, envying her strength and grace. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004     Get your armor on and sharpen your sword and let's go do some fighting, and then let's go do some laundry, because I'm sure you'll all agree we're starting to smell. I noticed a stream of urine running down the side of the cavern wall. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004      I grabbed it quickly because I wanted to add it to my collection. I tried it out too. While I was whirling it around my waist, I started to feel nostalgia for the carefree days of my youth, once so far away, but now closer for seeing the whole collection of Scooby Doos all in one place was amazing! 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004      I hear they pay for their orders with bags of gold dust! Who knows? We might even end up with hemmorhoids so bad we won't even be able to sit down. declared Paspartout with a rakish grin. We laughed and laughed; Men wearing hula skirts! It was so funny. When they tried to dance, they ended up in the Taj Mahal, surrounded by furious Muslim imams! 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004     Detective Max Powers. I'm the man. I'm YOUR man. I can get the job done. You ask me, and I will tell you. Yes, I am the suspect. But I assure you I didn't do it. 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004     I grabbed 'em by the ear and hollered, "I'm gonna tan yer hide, boy!" I dragged him inside and tried to put him to sleep so the vet and I could operate. We had a hard time because he was so fat. The fat seemed to absorb the knockout juice. 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004      Soon it would be dark and we would be in the dark with no flashlights. It was getting scarier by the minute, so we decided to resign ourselves to our fate. Surrounded, it was only a matter of time before we got turned into dino-hors d'ouevres. 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004      They're so poisonous, that instead of killing a person when the person eats it, this carnivorous plant, averaging 50 feet high, EATS PEOPLE! And it's so strong that if it eats a bomb, it won't get killed! And if you shoot it with bullets, it will die. Let me demonstrate. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004      "Oh, Kayyy..." I said, and I turned around to go again. There is nothing that is more fun than going down hill in a red wagon. 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004     But then we realized: we were all scared. The forces of Hauptmann Gestapo were closing in, and Molly was really enjoying her Chinese Chop Suey. She was also learning how to use chopsticks. She easily picked up the noodles, and then deftly she reached into the bowl and she picked up a hockey stick and skated out onto the ice. 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004      When we walked through the great doors, everything was very quiet. The huge stained glass windows glowed from the sunshine outside. In the far corner we spotted a group of But enough about that. 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004     And we could sell some of them to the President of the Unites States! He's all about quality, donchew know." 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004      The fact is I cannot believe Bonnie started this story! But be that as it may, I will help continue it: And the second fact is that when I was growing up we did not call them farts. We called them poots. And that was always a funny subject. The third fact is farts are stinky. 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004     What would you want on yours?" "A spoiler, chromed blower, and a fire-engine red paint job!" I exclaimed, beaming. "And I just might get it, too, it's just what I need in my tent when we go camping out in the woods. 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004      So happy that they cheered, in chorus, "GROUP HUG!" And enthusiastically reached all around each other, jumping up and down and laughing. His anger turned to confusion. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004     "Yeah." Max replied. "ALL NIGHT FRAT PARTY!!!!!!!!!!" I looked up at Max and said, "Do you know what this means?" 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004     But the mice hate it. The mice also hate it when their fur is rubbed the wrong way. Fortunately for them few creatures including humans ever get the chance to do this. 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004     This crazy Mexican food is flowing through me like a dirt river." I just must remember next time to bring more Immodium A-D. 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004      "Let's call the National Guard," I said, "Does anybody have a cell phone?" Someone yelled from the back, "I do! 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004      Now what?! I guess we will have to go to the comic book store. And when we get there I will buy some sense, and gift-wrap it and give it to you! What were you thinking when you used your peanut butter sandwich as a bookmark?!! Now this book looks like a bunch of crap. 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004     Why--" And just then the drugs kicked in and then the convulsions started. "Oh, no!" My friends said, "Quickly, turn off the electricity before she's fried!" I lunged for the power switch, but just then there was a loud explosion outside the meditation room! 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004     he said, "my boil just erupted!" The customer gawked and said, "You expect me to eat this crap?!! It stinks, it's dripping with grease, and it makes me want to take a dump in every last car you got. 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004     Then you dip them in chocolate, and roll them in crushed walnuts. When they are all finished, you place them carefully on a doily and garnish them with breath-freshening parsley. 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004      Such is the power of the ULTIMATE NINJA. And again what is that POWER? It is the power of the universe! 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004      Hand it over or I will give you a million dollars in exchange for leaving the country and never mentioning this again!" Extending his hand, Greg expected a benefits package which includes prescription and dental. Would you choose blue chip stocks or penny stocks? 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004     Unfortunately, they were disappointed to find no atmosphere! 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004     asked Lady Betty. Sir Greg replied, "I think thou shouldst know that I am now a knight! No more slogging away in the hot wheat fields for me! 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004     It was Tom Daschle! Laughing, we walked off down the sidewalk, leaving the mess for somebody else to clean up. The shopkeeper couldn't believe it! What was happening?!! Here was the judge, jury, attorneys, the whole court coming into his store! We are going to get this matter settled once and for all, said the judge as he beckoned Lord Elsington to even higher status within the SSBC: Secret Society of British Cats. 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004      Gromit, they are all wrong! What will the students do now? 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004      What a challenge! There just had to be a way to satisfy all the parties involved. 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     "I want cheese on mine!" Greg whined. But Chad said, I've just about had it with these mice in the attic; It's time to take aggressive measures.