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Story IDTitleCreatorStatusNum EntriesDate Finished
174  Springtime in VirginiabettyDone2212/27/2022
     You can see it, right next to the big ferris wheel. Whee! Let's go ride it! We can see the whole countryside and we can see all the people in the truck stop, staring at the calendar, realizing it's only a few days before Summer! Will we run out of time to catch the sunset.
173  Daylight Saving Time !bettyDone234/21/2021
    He was always generous with sprinkling the garlic salt, but he was very careful with the bottle of 1931 Sauvignon Blanc from France. This bottle had survived bombing runs, train rides, baggage valets handing it off from country to country, until it finally reached 2021.
172  A Winter Day in the WildernessbonnieDone222/15/2021
     I chose to feel enraged and offended. I pulled out one of my several protest signs and started swinging it like a battle axe. The nearest bystander had to duck, to avoid being hit by a flying chocolate cream pie which had been lovingly prepared by Gordon Ramsay, who proceeded to blow his top and go on a profanity-filled tirade when he saw one of the customers use a dessert spoon when he was supposed to use a soup spoon.
171  Oh, the weather outside is frightful...bettyDone2212/31/2020
    Happy and relieved, we smiled and stepped through the revolving door only to be snagged into a continual rotation! We could not get out! we were getting so dizzy, and as a last resort we tried crawling on our hands and knees.
170  The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!bettyDone231/13/2020
    I guess I could find out on my phone, but turkey grease had dripped all over it and it was so slippery that I quickly had to unwrap a stick of butter and vigorously whipped the buttery mashed potatoes into a big mound of dog crap.
169  A Breath of Fresh AirbonnieDone2211/15/2019
    They thought they had come down to the river just to get a breath of fresh air, and now look what was happening. a lady called out, "What about all that scum on top of the water?! How can they breathe? You quickly need to scoop out all that stagnant water!"
168  Toiling at 3 a.m.bettyDone2210/13/2019
     But I just kept scrubbing with the bar of grit and learned online, I should be using my reading glasses. I thought the title of this story was "Trolling at 3am", so I went on the interwebs and collected the most toxic posts I could find, and I mixed them all together into a steaming hot mess, but unfortunately they didn't balance.
167  The Reckoning of the KiwisxanderDone227/28/2019
    They had no worries, no nervous tics, and grinned at each other knowing they would be the first to land on Mars and start a Kiwi Colony! As the countdown began, the Kiwis settled comfortably back in their form-fitting astronaut seats and prepared for take-off.
166  Somebody's Gotta Do It !bettyDone227/8/2019
    Now, the weaponized and evolved robovacs had become an army, one which had a single purpose: to clean up the filth that is humanity. Like a sea of round, squat cockroaches, they approached inexorably, sunlight glinting off their gold-plated pens and the clips on their clipboards.
165  I love Thunderstorms !bettyDone216/10/2019
    When we asked him if he had heard the news, he said " On a day when it's rainy and stormy all day, that's the best kind of day to just relax in your favorite chair, read a book and take a nap. But be sure that the nap is not too long, because if it is too long it will make you fall asleep. I barely got 30 pages into Atlas Shrugged."
164  Wrapping those Christmas Presents !bettyDone231/9/2019
     In the attic? In the garage? Ah, man.. I will just go buy some new paper at the local Christmas wrap store. They had every kind you could think of, but I was really drawn to the sparkly tissue wrapping paper! That and the snowflake ribbons reminded me of when I met the real Santa years ago.
163  Let's Set Fire to the WoodsxanderDone2112/7/2018
    It's got vitamins, minerals, and amino acids. Everything your body needs.
162  Some Kind of AdventurexanderDone239/10/2018
     Searching for a good spot to lasso the lead line, we spotted what appeared to be a very sturdy Viking axes protruding out of this rocky hillside. They were not even rusty! We tried and tried to pull them out, but we had woven that basket so tightly, they were firmly stuck.
161  That Garage !bettyDone228/9/2018
    Well at least it was all dried up and easy to sweep it into a dustpan and carefully dump it into the ditch by the road. When it rains, the water runs down the hill, comes through the back door and flows all across the whole garage and goes out the door!
160  I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?bettyDone248/3/2018
     How fun! And you definitely need some actual sunglasses if you're going to have an outside job in the summer, as well as a hat, sunscreen, and obviously you also need to have the emergency number nearby in case of a drunk late night customer.
159  A large, healthy tuft of stump grassbonnieDone227/18/2018
    I got concerned so I called animal control services. When they arrived, they quickly put the fire out that was creeping toward the stump grass. And it's a good thing they did, because if they hadn't done so, and quick, we all know what would have happened.
158  Cleaning up after Milo the MousebettyDone217/11/2018
     Hmmm... I think I will pick out a sweet little Donald Trump, the 45th president of the United States, wanted to meet Milo. All those Secret Service men! All those Body Guards! All those TV Crews! How could they all possibly fit in the cabinet under Boppy's sink?
157  Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA CampusbettyDone227/6/2017
     Who knew what would show up? We might even see a protest by a bunch of liberal snowflakes demanding safe spaces to protect themselves from being offended. Sure enough, I found one. I walked up to them and said, "You're so nerdy and yet so down-to-earth at the same time.
156  San Antonio VacationgregDone225/27/2017
    I mumbled as I walked back to my motorcycle. "Might as well try to make some money out of this mess," I mumbled as I walked back to my motorcycle. So instead I placed a couple business cards.
155  Will That Snow Ever Melt? !bettyDone212/5/2017
     I get instead a blast of the past. It's 80s music everywhere! It reminds of all the times that I ever wanted more in my whole life. Surely someone would figure out that what I really wanted was a simple joy. And isn't that part of the fabric of life? Letting yourself just enjoy all the simple things is life are so valuable.
154  Different Pizza ToppingsgregDone211/11/2017
    I've been waiting for at least 60 minutes we were in a quandary of what to do... We finally decided to DIG IN! MMMM! DELICIOUS!
153  But I don't want to!bonnieDone2011/13/2016
     Excellent! Now we're stocked up for some New Year's Eve stompin' noisy fun!
152  We Need More Enthusiasm !bettyDone2210/16/2016
    I was shocked by how many people showed up to take the Enthusiasm Class. We had chairs for most of them, but the rest had to sit on the floor.
151  Xander's New Dorm RoombonnieDone219/9/2016
    came over and saw the title, He exclaimed, " There's literally a party going on in the hall outside my door!" He hadn't even realized it, though, because he had not taken a shower in so long!
150  Trying to Keep Cool !bettyDone228/20/2016
     The holes were obviously caused by a hailstorm. Serendipity! We collected the balls of ice and used them to rub the backs of the necks of the people who had passed out from the heat. As each one of them came back to consciousness, They said, "
149  The Stump VinebonnieDone214/26/2016
    I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. she said gravely, "It is real." "It's not real!"
148  LaundrycolleenDone204/2/2016
    And the name of it was " Your dearest wish come true." Oh!
147  It's snowing!!!colleenDone292/22/2016
    I will call him right away and say." 3 large pizzas with pepperoni, red peppers, mushrooms, and plenty of carrots and pieces of coal to make the snowmen's faces. We gathered all of that together and put them in a laundry basket." These are handy to have around & have many uses.
145  Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!bettyDone212/5/2016
    her suitcase, that is! So we packed the extra stuff into a priority box and sent it to Hell in a handbasket! And there to welcome it into eternal damnation was none other than Xander and Ethan who decided to come for a visit too!!!
144  Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!colleenDone201/10/2016
    I might as well take a nap. It's cold & cloudy today, so I am going to find my fur gloves and my fur hat, and put them on my dresser next to my collection of Birkenstocks and in fact, they were taking up so much floor space, that I had to rearrange a few things so that it would boil and roil and steam was rising rapidly.
143  Resolutions for the New Year !bettyDone221/9/2016
    I needed not only a handkerchief but also a big box of old receipts!" The best way to tackle tedious jobs like that is to sit down with a BIG glass of wine and ponder for a while. Soon, you will feel focused and relaxed and ready to go out the front door to my new life! So I put on my hat, opened the door, walked out on to the front porch, and stepped into a new suit!
142  Ordering Online Christmas Presents !bettyDone2112/14/2015
     Or you can say, " Pay for it with my Discover Dollars!! Woo hoo!!" It's like free money!! and who would that be? !! That would be SANTA!! The only one who delivers more Christmas presents than UPS! But you know he needs all the help he can get, and you can help by registering all your information on the website, so every time from then on you won't have to type in your office on your clicky-clacky IBM keyboard from 1981.
141  Dual CompostersgregDone2112/13/2015
     It turned over layer by layer as I rotated the barrel. I expected a bad odor, but all I smelled was the thick, sticky smoke from Stevens' smouldering burn pile. I told him I could compost those yard clippings, but he said "
140  Deli BolognagregDone2211/28/2015
     Here comes the guy with the mop now ! He agilely bent over and handed a bouquet of flowers to a little girl. Surprised, she tried to scrape off the slimey skin but underneath she was shocked to find a handful of rare and fragrant Allegra roses!
139  Getting Ready for Fall !bettyDone2110/29/2015
    He was mad as hell, and wasn't going to take a long time to get through all that! So take a deep breath and enjoy the wonderful fall smell of burning leaves and the aromatic essence of powdered Dramamine, which helped keep my lunch down as the plane bounced and quivered its way to jump altitude.
138  SlatheragegregDone219/16/2015
     He slowly inched through the pasture field dodging cow pies and carefully watching out for the hot-tempered bull, which was hiding behind a clump of weeds. The General abruptly stiffened with alertness.
137  Growing Those Tomatoes !bettyDone218/1/2015
    And the surrounding area was covered in moldy gray moss that smelled like gym socks that had been stuffed with rotten onions and baby vomit.
136  Midnight snackcolleenDone216/11/2015
    Seriously, lead?!?!? Who puts that in a box of chocolate covered cherries.
135  That New Smart PhonebettyDone226/10/2015
     How could anybody be that behind the times? Clearly it's time to fill your pot with dirt and of course water it. Why then would you not want that? Obviously, life would be easier with a million bucks. So I started taking classes on business at the local community college.
134  NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THISgregDone246/3/2015
    And make sure you tell him to bring exact change. When you're buying tickets for entertainment purposes, it's best if you just ignore this storyline because it does not have one. Who thought this up anyway?? It must have been Mr. Carrington, the newspaper deliveryman!
133  Why me!?!!colleenDone236/3/2015
     Ethan will be glad to help you if you find your wallet is straining to hold all that money. First, we'll go out to lunch. Then we'll get a new phone. Then we'll get a PS4. and sure enough, an F5 tornado appeared out of nowhere and destroyed the whole town and everyone in it, including us.
132  Backyard ProjectsbettyDone225/28/2015
    Grabbing my car keys, I hurried up to Lowe's to buy some mulch. It was on sale !!When I checked out I had bought so many bags, the total number came to 21. Three rows of seven each. That arrangement is perfect for the high school piano recital.
131  Cupcakes!colleenDone225/26/2015
     So good! Mmmmm. Mmmmmm gooood!!!! Mmmmmmmm! So good! Mmmmm. Mmmmmm gooood!!!! Sweat trickled down his leg and got on the beam, and when he took his next step, he closed his eyes and took the first bite.
129  Climbing Enchanted RockbettyDone215/2/2015
    You have to be careful if you encounter one because You can't tell if it is going to bite you or try to hump you! Red clothes will set it off so, be sure to take the time to look around and enjoy the scenery.
128  I Need to Take a Trip !bettyDone224/16/2015
     They are so cute. If I tried to take a Koala cub home, I am sure the airport authorities would introduce me to Connor Trinneer, AKA Trip Tucker from Star Trek: Enterprise!
127  Bonnie's New Tutoring JobbonnieDone274/16/2015
    In fact it should take about this long: 15 and a half femtoseconds. You would need a pulsed X-ray laser to measure that time frame! It could also measure each kid to make sure the desks were the right size.
126  Getting Ready for New Year's EvebettyDone222/18/2015
    So we worked through the night putting the final touches on the family portrait. If only everyone would stand still!
125  New Year's ResolutionsbonnieDone2212/24/2014
    Keep up the good work! You know, nobody ever changed the world by sitting on a stack of steaming hot pancakes. and drizzle them with Sriracha hot sauce! And habanero sauce! And Colleen's kick-yo-ass hot sauce!
124  Get Those Presents Wrapped !bettyDone2212/24/2014
     Chop! Chop! Once they get good and cold, they will be ready for pickup!
123  We Need a Plumber !bettyDone2212/12/2014
     We had to turn on the exhaust fan and spray around the room a big new can of WD-40. The perfect answer to our problem--WD-40 is famous as a remedy for squeaky hinges and cleaning away sticky gunk, but I bet you didn't know you can also use it for a lethal weapon. uh-oh.
122  Christmas DecorationsbonnieDone2212/12/2014
    He dropped his torch and it sputtered, going out in moments. He was left in utter darkness and promptly eaten by a grue. Well-stuffed tummies are definitely a part of Christmas: pot-bellied snowmen, Santa...all indicative of prosperity and feasting.
121  I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!bettyDone2111/28/2014
    Get away from me with those unwashed hands, those filthy clothes, those rock formations look suspicious." Indeed, upon further observation, my screen was all smeared so I read up on the internet how to clean it, and it said to spray it with glow-in-the-dark paint.
120  The Great BeyondxanderDone219/21/2014
    In a situation like that, nobody but nobody wants their oxygen tank to run out! You would have to rush to fill it again with concrete. This time, we're going for permanence! We're also going for the ultimate challenge of reaching Mars in less than the time it takes for a comet to become invisible again to the naked eye.
119  Summer bonnieDone209/21/2014
    We have only so many square inches of skin! Plus during the heat of the day we will be under the gun to finish all fun and games we'd been planning on having a big family picnic; so we called everyone and asked them each to bring a basket of posies, so we could dance around them and sing morbid songs about the bubonic plague.
118  Best Video Game of the Year !bettyDone228/15/2014
     What a garbled mess this has become!!! At least I was able to kill all the drop bears and goblins, well, sort of, I guess." Then she thought to herself: "I sure do hope there aren't eggs in that cave over there."
117  The best movie EVER!!!colleenDone217/18/2014
     Wow! I just saw the BEST movie of all time! Only, I don't think anyone else understood why I went to the movies even though I was blind! They didn't realize that my excellent sense of hearing allowed me to pick up even the slightest nuance of sound, and my vivid imagination I never would have guessed she would DIE from it!
116  What I Saw When I Took A Walk IIgregDone235/28/2014
    Face down on the ground! Put your hands behind your back stalked a ninja! He was there the ENTIRE TIME! When I realized that, I began to run as fast as I could to get home. sign.
115  You know...bonnieDone2311/10/2013
    Smell that? It's napalm. In the morning. I LOVE IT! It smells like victory and then, when you least expect to find roly poly bugs in the flower pots.
114  Whatever is on your mind !bettyDone2410/27/2013
    I walked over to get a closer look, and punched him in the face! He yelled, " HEY!! WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!" Stunned, I whirled around and to hear Penelope throwing up! My game was interrupted! I was halfway through getting an upgrade for my level 1 Floor Sweeper.
113  Nursery RhymegregDone2210/24/2013
     Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of tiny red garden ripe tomatoes that are so tasty when they are added to the pease porridge in the pot, nine days old.
112  Global Warming !bettyDone268/19/2013
    It used gravity wells and quantum tunneling to launch giant blue whales from every port in the country, in celebration of the Year of Cheese! The streets were teeming with people donning their cheddar hats, colby jack vests, and of course, their feta shoes.
110  Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !bettyDone224/19/2013
    My eyes bugged out, my face flushed red, and I thought for sure any second I was going to bring back a bunch of souvenirs, but when I looked in my wallet, all I had left was one Twinkie.
109  ThanksgivingbonnieDone1912/19/2012
    What if we ran out of food?!! Would any stores be open? I opened the phone book to look for Christmas presents. she exclaimed, "It's not even Thanksgiving yet, and already you're behind schedule!" Clearly the only thing to do now is have seconds!
108  I Blew Up My Lab!gregDone2110/26/2012
    Next I got out the shop vac to try to scoop up that big puddle of spit on the desk where I apparently had passed out from exhaustion. on the Discovery channel, and in the other hand I was flipping through my JOGAR recipe book I found a recipe for pizza with added chopped beef?
107  Christmas Shopping IIIbettyDone212/11/2012
    Before anyone would take any of the glistening, tempting flutes, I barked, "NO.
106  Let's Organize Your Garage !bettyDone227/25/2011
    You never know what you might find under all those boxes." In fact, down on the floor in the far corner, I found a reason to live again!
105  Christmas Shopping IIgregDone212/24/2011
    "I don't want the malls to close until midnight! Because then I will have time to start shopping for Groundhog Day!!!!!!!!!!" I retorted. "I don't want the malls to close until midnight! Because then I will have time to start shopping for Groundhog Day!!!!!!!!!!"
103  Zombie Attack!gregDone226/10/2010
    Where's my money, you silly stupid old fool?" Since he was no Jimmy Stewart fan, the zombie jumped out of the monitor and uttered a gravelly :) voice at me, and said right into my ear, "
102  The Art of DeclutteringbettyDone218/4/2009
    She buzzed right in with a big flyswatter and started swatting us on the behind. Clearly she wasn't sure what to throw away and what to keep.
101  The hathood of the traveling brown hat.rhondaDone213/20/2009
    That way they would never suspect that the next place I put the hat would be like crushing prunes into stewed okra.
100  The Nephews come to VisitgregDone2212/9/2008
    It all started when Ethan ran into the living room to take a swing in Greg's new hanging chair, only to discover that he had forgotten his Prozac.
99  Laser Eye SurgerygregDone2010/3/2008
     I decided to get a second opinion. The new doctor examined me, and with a big smile on his face, said to me, " Boy are you in luck! Just today we got a whole shipment of dynamic proportions."
98  Abiathar the Superhero!gregDone214/27/2007
     Abiathar, the superhero of sunny disposition and ensemble, was on a mission.
97  My New Video Game!bettyDone213/13/2007
    That's why I have to soak my hands in hot paraffin every night. What a relief! Then the next day I am ready to open fire with my thermonuclear missile pack. I activated the targeting mechanism, punched in the coordinates, and pushed the escape button over and over to no avail.
96  Fixing up my GardengregDone221/29/2007
     So get out the special shears and with great vigor attack the dogs which had taken to pooping on the lawn.
95  Rearranging My New Tech RoombettyDone221/31/2007
     I needed some deodorizing spray, so I went to the store and bought a can of Great Stuff and sprayed it into the crevice. It expanded quickly into a hard, yellowish goo which was perfect for the cats new dining area.
94  Speeding Down the HighwaybettyDone2112/4/2006
     There's no place better than Montana to test the speed of your new car, but just getting there without a speeding ticket is the tricky part. Anyway I arrived and after mapping out my routes, I decided to stop at a truck stop and pick a fight. I was feeling all ornery, so as soon as I walked through the door I was frisked by a big burly policewoman.
93  Having SurgerygregDone2012/1/2006
    Or sell one of his beamers. Or he could always try to throw up in the bedpan. Why don't the nurses ever come when you need them? Maybe it's because they accidentily stitched him up with tools still inside his abdominal cavity! It wouldn't have been the first time.
92  Accountant at WorkgregDone214/1/2006
    I'm starvin'! I ain't had nuthin' to eat but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days! Why can't we have more toilet paper in here? Those rolls go down in a hurry, especially when all the managers flock around me like buzzards!
91  What I Saw When I Took a WalkbettyDone213/31/2006
    I peeked around and suddenly saw that someone was peeking back at me! It was none other than Mr. T, leaning out the window of his 1982 GMC van, yelling, "Get out of the road, sucka!" I ran toward the van to try and get his autograph, but he growled, "I ain't got time for your jibba-jabba, fool!"
90  Learning a Foreign LanguagegregDone222/4/2006
    That's why one time I was talking to Dr. Stephen Hawking and he said "Isn't that something! Isn't that something! We started laughing hilariously and we had to enunciate to be understood. If you mispronounce something you could really offend somebody by saying something you didn't intend.
89  Putting out Christmas LightsbettyDone212/3/2006
    Dodging tiny glass shrapnel, I jumped through hoops trying to get the lights to the top of the tree, but only succeeded in getting them around the rosey, a pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all sang "Ring Around the Rosie"! We were so happy to get the job finally finished, that we proclaimed a toast to be buttered and jammed in her honor.
88  Lazor Beam HydragregDone2212/16/2005
     Come appraize my house, and bring your 5 clipboards! "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!" I laugh with raucous glee. You will be sorry; you will be very sorry when I stumbled upon a fully-loaded phaser rifle. It must have been dropped by an alphatrooper when he recovered from the blow to his head, he knew he would have to activate his quantum shields before it was too late!
87  Concert at Chrysler HallbettyDone2112/14/2005
     But it was worth it, because life isn't measured in how many breaths you take, but in how many moments like these, I lift up a song, I lift up a love song, to Jesus!
86  Touring EuropebonnieDone2112/13/2005
     I pulled my beret lower over my fear of crashing. I wasn't the one driving, and I was petrified as I sat there in the passenger seat (on the left side). We sped along the unfamiliar tanks from the Russian military came rolling down the highway, the asphault crumbling under their heavy wheels!
85  Christmas ShoppingbettyDone2212/1/2005
    Where, oh where, are you tonight? Why did you go and leave us alone? We searched the mall index to find a good place to eat, and we found the intriguing listing of "The 12 days of diarrhea.
84  Working at McDonald'sgregDone2112/1/2005
    To which the manager, confused, replies, " Yo man, why you do me like dat? I'm the shizzle for my nizzle. And you know you're not allowed to eat mistakes! Put that in the waste bucket!" Reluctantly, I placed the tomato heels and limp lettuce on each one of the cash registers.
83  Trip to the Pumpkin PatchsherryDone2211/7/2005
     Cackling evilly, I carved scary faces into all the pumpkins in the patch! Then all the seeds and pulp I threw into the back of my Dodge Ram pickup truck.
82  test2gregDone249/16/2015
     Sit down quickly and write your name at the top of your game. Because clothes make the man. That's why I wear dorky clothes and spike my hair with glittery gel. Who knows? I might be spotted by the next agency of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. I stepped through the door and fell through a hole in the floor!
81  Going Into Space IIgregDone2110/28/2005
    Would it help if I released the emergency brake? She smiled sweetly and pushed the button that sent them all hurtling into a black hole. No light speed???
80  Taking Computer ClassbettyDone2010/27/2005
    I couldn't believe it! What a easy test this was! I had learned this stuff in high school. I breezed through the first half, and then my heart sank as the teacher chided loudly, "NO, NO, NO...you're doing it wrong!"
79  Cooking Show IIgregDone219/27/2005
    Let me demonstrate, Kent." Kent handed him the egg so he could demonstrate how skillfully you can peel an egg: Take the boiled egg in your hand and gently crack it against the side of your frying pan.
78  Potty Training the TwinsbettyDone219/24/2005
     We had to go to Sam's Club to buy the biggest bag of M&M's and while we were there we also bought a big box of Tide detergent!
77  Noisy NeighborsbonnieDone219/23/2005
     The water flew out and drenched the apple pie in whipped cream, which I then cheerfully took to the neighbor's house.
76  Driving Across CountrybettyDone229/16/2005
    But I still had the feeling I wasn't in Kansas anymore...Maybe it was the mountains that painted the horizon or simply the fact that there wasn't a corn field in sight.
75  NASCAR DaysgregDone219/9/2005
    The vest, of course, is for protection. That way, in case you roll over you will always land right side up again, which is why you must always make sure your safety harness is correctly fastened.
74  Conserving WaterbonnieDone229/9/2005
    It's a mirage! It's actually a water-saving toilet, and it cost much more than I could afford. In fact it cost a dollar. The cigarette lighter cost a dollar. The foil pinwheel toy cost a dollar.
73  The Best Diet Ever!sherryDone218/31/2005
     Then I can pick out veggies that have the lowest number of meals per day. It's good to keep track of the total number of inches lost around the waist. Here, take this tape measure and see what your KNEES look like! Now that's what I call slim! Next thing you know, you'll be able to actually see your toes instead of your belly and put your wedding ring on without using petroleum jelly!
72  What a Yard Sale!bettyDone208/23/2005
    The grass was all mashed down, because all the people had found such great bargains, and were so delighted, they asked us if we would consider administering a state-wide network of yard sales from an executive highrise in Manhattan.
71  Test PilotgregDone218/17/2005
    and take off my lucky socks. I didn't need them today--I felt like I could take on the world! And I didn't need a stupid navigator to tell me where we were. I knew perfectly well that we were over the coldest part of a TV dinner when you get it out of the microwave is always the center part.
70  A Day in the Life of a DorksherryDone218/14/2005
     I asked. "I'm only doing that today," he answered, "tomorrow I'm going to upgrade my PDA to have 256 MB of RAM! she said, "I just can't relax unless I know that you have other clothes to wear besides one bearing logos and movie quips from Star Wars, Star Trek, Tron and Hackers, I'll never go out with you!"
69  Time for a Checkup!bonnieDone218/3/2005
    I hear those things can really mess you up. But when I got there, the doctor said "Ma'am, I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but that's not how you're supposed to wear the hospital gown."
68  Building My New Cat CondobettyDone217/10/2005
    Like Confucious say, "Cat never full." That's why you have to have a wide base, or else a strong foundation, if you're going to make it that tall. So to save floor space, you could try cement ing your mouth shut and let me do the thinking, OK?
67  Putting Up WallpapergregDone216/12/2005
     So, to those of you who choose to take on the challenge of putting up wallpaper - my advice to you is avoid putting a lot of holes in the wall, because that will only cause discoloration later.
66  My Newest Home Improvement Project!bettyDone205/17/2005
     I almost lost it - not only were there woodchips in my sandwich, but now my favorite electric tool was perfect for sanding the hardwood floor prior to refinishing it.
65  Phone CallbonnieDone215/9/2005
     Just hold on a second while I answer my cell phone........oh, and now there goes my beeper! well, you know the rest of the neighborhood will shortly know all about it if you tell her.
64  Airline PilotgregDone214/23/2005
    and see right before our eyes the ground rushing up toward us! No time to lose; the passengers were eating up all the pretzels!
63  I'm Not In It For The...bonnieDone214/6/2005
    a SHRUBBERY! Or else you will regret it!" So I said, "Honey, I'm not in it for the lettuce! I'm in it for the quality time and cultural enlightenment. After all, who would know that the slacker pizza cook would just put a smattering of cheese on my pizza! He even missed a couple spots!
62  Hosting a Cooking ShowbettyDone214/12/2005
     MY own Cooking Show! The studio kitchen was sparkling, brand new appliances, and plenty of brandy. That helps takes the edge off when you get too stressed. Got your expensive Ginsu knives?? Great. Take them out and smile with satisfaction at that golden-brown glazed finish!
61  Ain't It Cool?gregDone224/7/2005
     I drove up in my new car. I screeched to a halt, jumped out, and exclaimed to my friends, "Ain't it cool? I got it for 10 cents at the thrift store! Why would anyone want to eat eel?
60  Competing with Starbuck'sbonnieDone214/2/2005
     What gives? Obviously some of the rest of us are entitled to a piece of the action. So here's the plan: Rent a storefront, buy some coffee beans, and to grind them, buy a big muffin. The bigger the better.
59  My First Ocean CruisebettyDone213/28/2005
    Stunned, I replied "But it was right here! I put it there myself!" I was completely flabbergasted! I had lost my third game of shuffleboard! What to do? I think I should sit out the next one and work out a new lodging arrangement.
58  Captain UnderpantsgregDone213/23/2005
    Captain Underpants and his sidekick Angel Soft jumped in the vehicle, and roared off to the water treatment plant!
57  New Year's Resolutions!bonnieDone213/18/2005
     "The ad said this would make my thighs look smaller!" She said. Incredulous, he asked, "But how would you get rid of all that flab in just 2 weeks? It cannot be possible! Why, you would have to walk at least 100 FEET if you park this far away!
56  Saturday Morning's Cartoon MarathonbettyDone213/13/2005
    has to step in and crush the resistance which happened to be the shotgun-toting tomato, Bob. It's Veggie Tales: Garden Guerillas. In the first episode, Ren and Stimpy challenged Mr.
55  Spy Base AlphagregDone213/8/2005
     Tense, shrill voices, eyes bugging out, people running too and fro trying hard to see the meteor shower. It was so beautiful and from outer space it looked even more chaotic.
54  Texas WinterbonnieDone203/3/2005
     We're here to relax! Those beach balls are just too big! The pool isn't big enough ! and she pointed at a picture of the "Beef Stampede."
53  Christmas Shopping - 2004bettyDone202/26/2005
     I have a wallet full of money and all kinds of sales to go to. I must make a list of people whom I want to give back to the community.
52  Modeling AgencygregDone212/21/2005
    This was it. Taking a deep breath, Jacqueline stepped over to the male model and adjusted his collar. Nice! But still, she really did want to do modeling herself. Sigh. I guess for now, it was all just a fantasy! She paused for a final jelly doughnut before entering the inner sanctum of the plush office where dozens of models were milling around, considering who would look best in which outfit.
51  All I Need Is...bonnieDone212/16/2005
    And that is hard to find. To see a good selection I think I will have to go to the baths, and have a good soak. After that I should feel really blessed and just happy to be alive. It would have to be at least 8 feet tall and 4 feet wide. And that is hard to find. To see a good selection I think I will have to go to the baths, and have a good soak.
50  My Summer at the Archeological DigbettyDone212/11/2005
    one student asked. "I don't know, let's taste one and see. Yummy! They are still good after all these years! Give one to the director.
49  Shopping at Lowe'sgregDone202/6/2005
    I yelled, "We need a pilot!...No, I mean a forklift driver!" And here he came wearing an apron with many pockets! I had to giggle because it reminded me of all the failed projects in the past. I always either had too little lumber, too few nails, or too few employees available to help me!
48  Anorexia TherapybonnieDone212/1/2005
     It's O.K. Just throw out all your mirrors, and get those Amusement Park ones that make you look fatter than you really are. Then you'll look normal! You can finally eat whatever you please, whenever you please, even if it means you see the number on the scale go up one!
47  Building My New House!bettyDone231/27/2005
     I'm sure if I did I would have an underground playroom! Complete with tire swing, roller-skating area, dress-up box, and kitchenette! All the neighbors' kids were stomping in the mud, making a big mess: so I put them to work mixing up the cement instead. They loved it!
46  Ultimate Ninja IIgregDone211/22/2005
    GET LOSE!! YOU CANNOT COMPARE WITH MY POWERS!!" As powerful as he was, he couldn't resist by Cloud of Ten Lightning Fists.
45  Election Day!bettyDone211/17/2005
    I bet that would get more people to vote! You need live music, kiddie rides, free food, and most of all you need A BRAIN ! So why not stick some on the voting booths for fun?
44  A Day in the Life of...bonnieDone201/12/2005
     We couldn't believe it! Such a concentration of food in such close proximity! Immediately we set to bringing it into the nest.
43  High School CarwashgregDone201/7/2005
     It smelled like the driver must be a smoker. Frowning, we decided we could first try vacuuming up all the fragments of dried vomit.
42  Pushed Over the EdgebonnieDone211/2/2005
     He cleaned his sink when the water would not go down any more. Yeah! Then he would celebrate with a big scream, which merged into tears which shot straight out for four feet, and led to snot rivers from the nose to the chin.
41  Cleaning Out the GaragebettyDone2112/28/2004
     I'm cracking up! I need to stop and take a break. I'll just put this Dr. Enuf into the freezer to get cold. It will really taste good with a piece of moldy bread!" Who knows how long that had been there! "That's disgusting!"
40  HULK SMASH!gregDone2012/23/2004
    Me go the wrong way on a one-way street. Me knock you into the middle of the walls of the building across the alleyway!" Luckily no one was eating at the time. The smell was horrific. Everyone made a dive for the only door.
39  Joining the PTAbonnieDone2012/18/2004
     But today my concerns would not so easily be laid to rest. Next to my brass desk set I laid my Kindergartener's Spider-Man folder. In it was an invitation to join the PTA. At first, I'd thought I'd died and gone to heaven. The Plutonium Transporters of America! They were famous for gigantic fund-raising fairs.
38  Going to the County FairbettyDone2012/13/2004
    and the party continued into the wee hours of the morning. He turned around, and suddenly, "NINJA!" and the party continued into the wee hours of the morning.
37  News at 11gregDone2012/8/2004
     What about separation anxiety? Here with their opinions on this story are economics expert Bylo Sellhi, and psychologist Druggum Tilltheyzone: "It is simple to see that John Kerry is a drugged up spendthrift." The newscaster all agog at such a statement, quickly stuttered into a station break, and the first ad was about a block away from the scene.
36  Investigating VegetarianismbonnieDone2112/3/2004
    Get ready to mash those soybeans and mold the tofu into shapes resembling flowers. Admittedly, that artistic effort, combined with the variety of color in the salad made it extraordinarily beautiful. However, I sighed, knowing that again, soon after eating, I'd be hungry.
35  Boppy's Trip to TexasbettyDone2111/28/2004
    I have no idea how to get to the Transportation Museum. I want to see the Pullman cars again and sit on the sofas made from styrofoam and gasoline. Mix it up real good, and boom! You have home-made napalm.
34  Dance ClassbonnieDone2111/23/2004
    Their only recourse was to join the Army. Fortunately, they breezed through all the physical training and went on to become decorated infantry. (SPLAT!) The class all laughed, because they knew she was just not the type. Their only recourse was to join the Army. Fortunately, they breezed through all the physical training and went on to become decorated infantry.
33  The Minotaur KinggregDone2111/18/2004
    I looked up, and towering above me was the Minotaur King himself. I shook in my boots, I sweated pools of gravy. "Boy, this is sure going to blow my diet!" she said, " Get your armor on and sharpen your sword and let's go do some fighting, and then let's go do some laundry, because I'm sure you'll all agree we're starting to smell.
32  The Bizarre BazaarbonnieDone2011/13/2004
    I asked the white, gristly fellow. He said, "I don't have enough money. just wait while I go over to that ATM where I can get some fresh strawberries! My favorite food! and there they are!
31  My Trip Around the WorldbettyDone2111/8/2004
     Yum! "This will hit the spot! This is good for an appetizer. What's the main course?"
30  Downtown PrecinctgregDone2211/3/2004
     Yeah, One says to the other, "I think I lost an electron!" The second one says, "Are you sure?" And the first one says, "I'm positive!" Get it? That's the way we do things around here. And sometimes I had to bash some heads to make it happen.
29  Growing Up on a FarmbettyDone2110/29/2004
     It didn't matter to him which twelve hours it was. Next we had to kill the hogs to make bacon and sausage.
28  The Dinosaur WorldbonnieDone2110/24/2004
    I said. "It's so humid and hot here. I'm so sweaty." Everyone agreed and started looking around. "Look at all these fossilized bones. I wonder how old they really are. Would they be as old as me?" She shook her head, and replied "I imagine these dinosaurs are at least 100 years old.
27  Gardening with BettygregDone2010/19/2004
     Getting dirty is half the fun. The smell of the fertile earth is like the perfume of the Garden of Eden. There is no better smell except for the smell of tulips, lavender, and freshly cut grass.
26  On the Open RoadbonnieDone2110/14/2004
     Then he got on the motorcycle, but it wouldn't roll. He realized he needed to oil his wheels.
25  The International VillagebonnieDone2110/9/2004
    We rampaged through the tattered remains of library for an hour, and finally found her yak! "There you are!" She called. "I've been looking all over for you!" She was distressed to see its hoof stuck between two rocks, but at the same time knew its mooing/braying for help was the only was she was able to find it so fast.
24  Weekend in ParisgregDone2110/4/2004
     But over here we call them pommes frites, and we like to smother them with sauteed onions. It just doesn't get much better than that!
23  Xander Goes ShoppingbettyDone229/29/2004
     Let's go find an ice cream freezer in this place, and look in it to see if we can find some quarters so we can play a few final video games before we have to go."
22  Fart DictionarybonnieDone219/24/2004
     You are a sissy! You are a sissy!" When they heard us say that, they immediately began farting in unison. they're actually farting in harmony! Now that's what I call skilled. "You have sissy farts! You are a sissy! You are a sissy!"
21  Boot CampgregDone219/19/2004
     Remember you are representing the United States of America, the most powerful country in the world! then do 500 more... muh--errgghhk..." He started foaming at the mouth and just could not resist biting the tar out of every single drill sargeant on the base.
20  Good Old Pop's Drive-inbettyDone219/14/2004
     There was something dark and sinister about him. He was an overweight, hairy man, and as of yet, I hadn't heard him say a word.
19  Going Back to CollegebettyDone219/9/2004
    Ha ha ho ho." At this, we slowly backed out of the room and ran lickety split down the hall yelling our lungs out, "Help! Help! We need help!" Hearing our calls, suddenly out of the dean's office appeared a lovely young woman. From her shiny blonde hair to her pretty face, impeccable spring pastel suit and pristine, stylish shoes, she was the picture of confident perfection.
18  If You Give a Mouse a CookiebonnieDone219/4/2004
     Now what? Well, just fill it up again. To accomplish this, one will have to accumulate enough borax to kill all the mice. "Hell, Betty," Dad said, "There's enough borax here to kill an elephant, or at least a raisin or a chocolate chip.
17  Our Summer VacationbettyDone218/30/2004
    Don't you ever get tired of going to the same place for vacation every year? This time, why don't you go to the creek and wade in the cold water? It will cool you off and you will feel much better.
16  Trapped in a MinegregDone218/25/2004
     And that's ALL I NEED! And my pup tent. In case it rains. And that's ALL I NEED!
14  Our Visit to the LibrarybonnieDone218/15/2004
    And then he yelled it again with even more emphasis," REVENGE IS SWEET, AND A DISH BEST SERVED COLD!!" By this time the cops had arrived and everything got very confusing after that.
13  Stress Reduction TechniquesbonnieDone238/10/2004
     We all ran outside in our white robes and saw to our surprise a big birthday cake, covered with candles and exquisitely patterned icing, sitting on the table.
12  My New Job at Burger KingbettyDone208/5/2004
     There's just something not quite right about these buns. Too many sesame seeds I think. Hey they look more like poppy seeds! Now we're in trouble. The Sheriff will think we have turned into an opium den.
11  Cooking with GrandmabettyDone227/31/2004
     And this was the photo they were going to publish in the newspaper next to her recipe for Banana Upside-Down Chocolate Chip Brownies with walnuts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And wash 'em down with a tall glass of chocolate milk. A month later, when we got a craving for them again, all we had to do was pull some extra we'd saved out of the freezer!
10  Ultimate NinjagregDone227/26/2004
    he said. " We can take them and subject them to my newest ultimate move: Swirling Vortex of Thousand-Hand Doom!" He stealthily lunged out from under cover, and they immediately began shooting 360 degrees around their location, blowing away over half the threat in the first 4 seconds.
 Wall Street BluesgregDone227/16/2004
     I mean ALL of it. Hand it over or I will give you a million dollars in exchange for leaving the country and never mentioning this again!" Extending his hand, Greg expected a benefits package which includes prescription and dental.
 Going into SpacebettyDone217/11/2004
     The countdown began. We were really really going! Who would have believed that we, untrained as astronauts, could really take a trip to the hobby store, to see what the biggest rocket motor available was. Unfortunately, they were disappointed to find no atmosphere!
 Ye Olde Medieval DaysbettyDone217/1/2004
     Greg the lowly serf, plodded toward the field of wheat, dreading another day of bending, kneeling, scorching heat, and gathering buckets of vomit, which had accumulated quickly because of the plague. asked Lady Betty.
 Barrister the Lawyer CatbettyDone216/26/2004
    the driver exclaimed as he leaped out. It was Tom Daschle! Laughing, we walked off down the sidewalk, leaving the mess for somebody else to clean up. The shopkeeper couldn't believe it! What was happening?!! Here was the judge, jury, attorneys, the whole court coming into his store!
 The Big ConundrumbettyDone216/21/2004
    The similarity was remarkable! The eyes, the nose, even the way he parted his hair. He waved at him, and yelled, "Where did you graduate from?
 Woo baby!gregDone216/16/2004
    However, how formidable could he be? Considering his cache of armor, he chose a shield, a big one, because his heart was gripped with fear that he would become dragon food: flame-broiled, crispy baby back ribs smothered in a tempting and tasty blanket of spicy hot peppers and smothered in cheese!
 Big ComputergregDone186/11/2004
    Oh, how he had suffered without them! Now, long gone would be the pain. How he remembered when he had broken his wrist playing badmitton with an orc.