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Story IDTitleCreatorStatusNum EntriesDate Finished
174  Springtime in VirginiabettyDone2212/27/2022
    I leaned back in my chair and considered the question I had posed to myself. Was I even hungry? And was breakfast the appropriate meal for this time? I looked at the clock, and suddenly realized!
173  Daylight Saving Time !bettyDone234/21/2021
    The bottle spiraled through the air, reflecting their horrified faces as it sailed by. No one was able to react in time, and it landed, with a hollow skitter-clatter, on the tile floor, impossibly unbroken.
172  A Winter Day in the WildernessbonnieDone222/15/2021
    They also complained last week when I took my trash to the dump, I ran into an old friend, who enthusiastically said to me, " This kind of lichen is edible! Look how much there is, we could eat all day!" I nearly gagged at the idea. "I'm not really hungry,"
171  Oh, the weather outside is frightful...bettyDone2212/31/2020
    Then they slammed down the phone, jumped up and down, and stomped into the mud room. Most people's mud rooms have a bench where you can sit down and take off your muddy boots before you go into the house.
170  The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!bettyDone231/13/2020
    Hurry! Turn off the lights! Pretend we're not home! We don't have enough food for all those people!
169  A Breath of Fresh AirbonnieDone2211/15/2019
     Everyone just stared at her blankly. Finally I said, "Why are you down here anyway? This is a private beach. No one invited you to this quilting meeting. Scram." The old ladies chuckled, ash sprinkling from the tips of their cigars.
168  Toiling at 3 a.m.bettyDone2210/13/2019
     What you should do along the way is schedule a good amount of trolling. 3am is OK, but most people are asleep.
167  The Reckoning of the KiwisxanderDone227/28/2019
     Well, no matter what else is going on, everybody knows the most important thing to have is drinking water. The best thing we could think to do was to head downhill and try to find some durian fruit! I haven't had any for hours and I'm starting to go into withdrawal!
166  Somebody's Gotta Do It !bettyDone227/8/2019
     He said, " it must have been caused by faulty logic!" A collective gasp of shock was followed by stunned silence as everyone tried to understand how to keep 2 cats who used to be friends from absolutely screaming at each other.
165  I love Thunderstorms !bettyDone216/10/2019
    Time slowed down as my brain tried to make sense of the calamity which had just happened to me. Bones and joints moved in unnatural ways and the pain which I knew was coming took its own sweet time to arrive, which confused my brain even more. I was still lucid enough to know I was falling toward the mat, and out of the corner of my bloodshot eyes I could see the towering frame of London Bridge, shaking with laughter, as he said "
164  Wrapping those Christmas Presents !bettyDone231/9/2019
    If you don't have your ribbons neatly wrapped on spools, at least don't rest anything heavy on them to crush them. In advance of your gift-wrapping day, make a list of who gave what so I could send them a thank you note.
163  Let's Set Fire to the WoodsxanderDone2112/7/2018
     I can bring roast beef sandwiches, and you can bring a few bottles of beer! You can bring a few bottles! Take one out, pass it around, 98 bottles of fire propellant, obviously.
162  Some Kind of AdventurexanderDone239/10/2018
     Now what? Here I am, stuck up on this remote control for the Blu-Ray player. I kept mashing buttons and nothing worked. In frustration, finally I kicked the door.
161  That Garage !bettyDone228/9/2018
    Just thinking about that garage is tying my gut in knots! I'm going to sweep all the possum poop out of the garage and give it to someone who would appreciate it. It makes the most sense, considering how much mildew and mold had accumulated. But how to get rid of it?
160  I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?bettyDone248/3/2018
     Thinking about that, why am I even still considering other jobs?? But this is an important decision, so I'll keep thinking. There's something to be said for being out in the sunshine and fresh air, so maybe I should think about wearing rubber gloves when I am washing the dishes at Jim's. After all I don't want hands that look like a pair of sunglasses!
159  A large, healthy tuft of stump grassbonnieDone227/18/2018
    Even worse, deflated balloons were starting to droop into it, getting sticky, like ponderous, buoyant doughnuts glazing themselves. In planning for the Kidz Festival, it looks like we overestimated the resilience of grass. Sure, it can be tough, but once the chainsaw got involved, there was great danger!
158  Cleaning up after Milo the MousebettyDone217/11/2018
     Now all that's required to make everything perfect is celebrate good times, come on!
157  Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA CampusbettyDone227/6/2017
    The table full of jocks nearby were laughing their heads off, but little did they know what was lurking behind the door of the Chemistry Lab...
156  San Antonio VacationgregDone225/27/2017
     The winner would be able to do it with the least amount of elbow grease....and what a relief that was! Because who wants a elbow smothered in 100% maple syrup that was imported from Vermont. "Vermont?!" Betty exclaimed. "That's yankee territory! I don't want no yankee syrup. I may as well have this with a side of socialism and a hot mug of Bernie Sanders Uber Alles.
155  Will That Snow Ever Melt? !bettyDone212/5/2017
     You might even run into a zamboni! And you're miles from the nearest skating rink. The nearest one is right next doo' Let's walk over there, introduce ourselves to the new neighbor, and say, "Hey, hey, hey, hey.
154  Different Pizza ToppingsgregDone211/11/2017
     Appetizers get people in the mood of a party! Other good ideas include Burger King, Wendy's, and Hardee's, if you get tired of having pizza all the time.
153  But I don't want to!bonnieDone2011/13/2016
    That's everything we need for assembling a Gatling gun! And just in time, too. Any minute now the UPS man will come down the street in his brown truck and deliver multiple packages full of those plastic air-filled cushions.
152  We Need More Enthusiasm !bettyDone2210/16/2016
     So everyone worked together to assemble them. Using ribbon and shrink wrap, I wrapped up all the junk I had found into neat little parcels and then advertised them on Ebay as "Mystery Gifts".
151  Xander's New Dorm RoombonnieDone219/9/2016
    Bonus! came over and saw the title, He exclaimed, " There's literally a party going on in the hall outside my door!"
150  Trying to Keep Cool !bettyDone228/20/2016
     So we immediately went loco. Smashing chairs, flipping over tables, drinking liquor after drinking beer, queuing up Taylor Swift songs on the jukebox, it was complete bedlam. That is, until the water hose sprang a leak! In fact,it was full of pin holes, or should I say teeth marks!
149  The Stump VinebonnieDone214/26/2016
     No matter what we do it always turns out to be time to make more Greg Pizza! Besides the regular beef and pepperoni topping, I also had too many solar lights in the yard. A neighbor said I was using up too much sunshine.
148  LaundrycolleenDone204/2/2016
    One end we could wrap around the big pine tree, and the other end we could tie to the neck of an ISIS terrorist! Hahaha! Actually, I meant the the white clothes should be separated from the red, but I forgot and washed them together!
147  It's snowing!!!colleenDone292/22/2016
     Even Donald Trump would want to own this... I will call him right away and say." 3 large pizzas with pepperoni, red peppers, mushrooms, and plenty of carrots and pieces of coal to make the snowmen's faces. We gathered all of that together and put them in a laundry basket." These are handy to have around & have many uses.
145  Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!bettyDone212/5/2016
    You look like you are carrying a Beretta PX4 Storm Compact 9mm! With its comfortable grip and good balance and accuracy, this pistol would be a good choice for wearing on the plane. Remember it gets cold on the plane, so you would probably need to holster it."
144  Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!colleenDone201/10/2016
    I might as well take a nap. It's cold & cloudy today, so I am going to find my fur gloves and my fur hat, and put them on my dresser next to my collection of Birkenstocks and in fact, they were taking up so much floor space, that I had to rearrange a few things so that it would boil and roil and steam was rising rapidly.
143  Resolutions for the New Year !bettyDone221/9/2016
     I resolve to refrain from eating bowl after bowl of baked beans. I then went to library, found the most crowded reading room, and proceeded to bolster my confidence by encouraging myself under my breath.
142  Ordering Online Christmas Presents !bettyDone2112/14/2015
    !! That would be SANTA!! The only one who delivers more Christmas presents than UPS! But you know he needs all the help he can get, and you can help by registering all your information on the website, so every time from then on you won't have to type in your office on your clicky-clacky IBM keyboard from 1981.
141  Dual CompostersgregDone2112/13/2015
    Stop looking at my bum and get on with your work!" "Do you think I am a GARDENER??? Because if so, you are correct!" He turned to go, which was awkward because he was carrying bucket load after bucket load of stinking garbage and pouring it carefully into the concrete mixer.
140  Deli BolognagregDone2211/28/2015
     Spicy, meaty, and with a little hint of mint! Meanwhile, several neighbors stopped by to see where the smell was coming from. They were holding handkerchiefs over their noses and were mumbling, "
139  Getting Ready for Fall !bettyDone2110/29/2015
    I had gotten as ready as I could for this fall, and now the only thing left was to sit back in my easy chair and enjoy a cool sparkling glass of Mountain Dew ! So take a deep breath and enjoy the wonderful fall smell of burning leaves and the aromatic essence of powdered Dramamine, which helped keep my lunch down as the plane bounced and quivered its way to jump altitude.
138  SlatheragegregDone219/16/2015
     I wouldn't be surprised if the author was Mr. John James, former front man of Newsboys, another Aussie rock band which barely predates Dig Hay Zoose.
137  Growing Those Tomatoes !bettyDone218/1/2015
    And giant spikes made out of wood logs! And the surrounding area was covered in moldy gray moss that smelled like gym socks that had been stuffed with rotten onions and baby vomit. I took them and soaked them overnight. Then I carefully placed them side by side in a plastic tray.
136  Midnight snackcolleenDone216/11/2015
    Toss it in the oven and voila, we are ready for a big bite of a Dagwood sandwich! Layers and layers of vegetables, meats and cheeses, all between two pieces of angel food cake.
135  That New Smart PhonebettyDone226/10/2015
    Which he did, and amazingly, nothing happened. As would be expected, his reaction to that was a great lot of sneering and sidelong glances. Come on! How could anybody be that behind the times? Clearly it's time to fill your pot with dirt and of course water it.
134  NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THISgregDone246/3/2015
    It must have been Mr. Carrington, the newspaper deliveryman! He was known for being obnoxious to the nth degree. Everyone was gathering into little groups to avoid talking to him. Then suddenly he came toward us and said, "I want my two dollars!"
133  Why me!?!!colleenDone236/3/2015
     If something is missing, always remember: look under the couch cushions for any stray peanuts. I am sure I lost some. We want to make our own peanut butter in our new electric hot tub. It's great! The only drawback is that our refrigerator is on the blink and all the food is slowly spoiling.
132  Backyard ProjectsbettyDone225/28/2015
    I needed to go to the store to buy more straws to build my custom-crafted trellis. Grabbing my car keys, I hurried up to Lowe's to buy some mulch. It was on sale !!When I checked out I had bought so many bags, the total number came to 21.
131  Cupcakes!colleenDone225/26/2015
    Decorating is the part that's the most fun. Be creative! You can use sprinkles, candy, curls of chocolate...even tiny toys or other unusual options such as little Hulk faces made of butter and green-colored strips of bacon, ground-up meatballs, and garnished with chicken wings.
129  Climbing Enchanted RockbettyDone215/2/2015
    I knew they only SEEMED closer...or were they really? The clear sky released the oppressive heat, and stars started to blink on.
128  I Need to Take a Trip !bettyDone224/16/2015
     I was watching for turbans, scarves, and most of all I was mindful of the gap. If there's one thing I know, it's that you never want to lace-up shoes to the airport, because they are too hard to get on and off, especially if they are laced with arsenic!
127  Bonnie's New Tutoring JobbonnieDone274/16/2015
    He then carried the stack of folders over to the table and spread out the construction paper, blunt scissors, glitter, and glue. Then with them the children proceeded to make cookies to sell to raise enough money for Bonnie's bail bond. After a week all the children just loved Bonnie, and they brought her presents including lots of mayonnaise.
126  Getting Ready for New Year's EvebettyDone222/18/2015
    They were having a big sale and on the main shelves were stacks of old magazines that I had never read. Popular Science, Popular Mechanics, Family Handyman, as well as buckets of confetti, streamers, and plenty of loud outfits that we got from the thrift store. They were cheap, but smelled like peppermint cocoa....yum !!
125  New Year's ResolutionsbonnieDone2212/24/2014
     It's that time again: Get out a fresh, clean sheet of paper and a pen! Put some thought into all the good deeds you would like to do in the coming year.For instance if your neighbor needed his garbage taken to the dump, You could take it to the printer's and have it bound.
124  Get Those Presents Wrapped !bettyDone2212/24/2014
     I think we deserve it ! Sit back, relax, and take a big sample of that egg nog !! I think we deserve it ! Now you are all set for a very Merry Christmas! Sit back, relax, and take a big sample of that egg nog !!
123  We Need a Plumber !bettyDone2212/12/2014
     It has to be Vodka! Sweet lifeblood of our glorious mother country, it falls like water from the skies and collects in pools.
122  Christmas DecorationsbonnieDone2212/12/2014
     That's great!" I said, " Now I know my electric bill will go up!" I was kidding of course, but I knew now the county would surely waive the rule about no inflatables taller than 40 feet! Some people think they are dead! But they're just acting. They're just lying there waiting to be strung from shrub to shrub.
121  I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!bettyDone2111/28/2014
    There's no time to climb down! Just jump! As soon as you get your balance, you can play Pac-Man with your feet !
120  The Great BeyondxanderDone219/21/2014
    "CHEESE! CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!" Sheogorath bellowed, solving the mystery of his dazzling appearance. Soon afterwards, the mead hall exploded, fat orange cheese wheels spilling through the shattered wooden walls by the score.
119  Summer bonnieDone209/21/2014
    Looking into the distance, I could see the splendor of the rising sun. It was brilliant! So much in fact that I had to cover my eyes with cucumbers slices. This spa was my favorite. It boasted a supersize Beefsteak tomato that must have weighed 10 pounds each. "How could you think we would need this much sun tan lotion?!!
118  Best Video Game of the Year !bettyDone228/15/2014
     Maybe I better flick this switch to "off". Then switch it back to "on". Then I started flicking it back and forth rapidly, making the lights in the room flash like a cheap rave. All I needed to do was add music, and then people would really flock to my door.
117  The best movie EVER!!!colleenDone217/18/2014
    Kill it, kill it, KILL IT!!!!!" I was beginning to freak out a little because it was quite large, ugly AND smelly! There was no way to get out!
116  What I Saw When I Took A Walk IIgregDone235/28/2014
    As I broke into a jog, I peered down into the muddy puddle and spied something moving! It looked like a convoy of Army vehicles. Humvees, trucks, tanks on trailers, and even a snail could have gone around the block faster than that turtle which was stampeding through peanut butter.
115  You know...bonnieDone2311/10/2013
    The heat that radiated from their cavernous maws surged over us like a hurricane of pain. We had to seek shelter fast or we would be doomed for sure. Nearby there was a lurking police car. People should know better than to cook a bowl of noodles for lunch in the middle of defeating the giant cave troll, I found I needed quickly to scrub that off before it stained.
114  Whatever is on your mind !bettyDone2410/27/2013
    Good hygiene is always optional when skydiving. It's not like anyone can smell you at 10,000 feet! But by the time you finish your last task, you have run out of time and lost all your money causing you to giggle with delight.
113  Nursery RhymegregDone2210/24/2013
    One day he's building a house, the next day he's planting magic beans, the next thing you know he's carrying a pail of water up a hill !
112  Global Warming !bettyDone268/19/2013
    Strange as this was, it only got weirder as relatively small automobiles started spilling out of its mouth. Unfazed, I looked down at my watch, and realized it was time for buying a new gas-guzzling SUV.
110  Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !bettyDone224/19/2013
    The car had broke down and I didn't have enough money for bus fare. I maybe had enough to get by without doing laundry.
109  ThanksgivingbonnieDone1912/19/2012
    she exclaimed, "It's not even Thanksgiving yet, and already you're behind schedule!" Clearly the only thing to do now is have seconds! But just as I was about pile up my plate with some lovely decorated Rainbow Pony cupcakes were left at my doorstep!
108  I Blew Up My Lab!gregDone2110/26/2012
    I couldn't make out the rest of the ad because tears had already begun to dissolve the ink, which ran like charcoal wisps of liquidated dreams down the face of the page. As I sat in the middle of the smouldering wreckage of my lab, I wept quietly to myself for a long, long time.
107  Christmas Shopping IIIbettyDone212/11/2012
     It was as easy as pie to pick out a bunch of gifts to be sent to his room for being such a bad boy. He had a bad habit of eating too much pizza before I go to bed...
106  Let's Organize Your Garage !bettyDone227/25/2011
    I had dozens of them, piled everywhere! They smelled like rotting potatoes. It was horrible. I tried to scoop them up with a long-handled metal scythe that we got from Reapers 'R' Us.
105  Christmas Shopping IIgregDone212/24/2011
    I'd never seen anything like it. It was so big that there was no way I could fit it into my shopping bag, so to carry it in I found an empty wastebasket.
103  Zombie Attack!gregDone226/10/2010
     But by that point there must have been at least 1,000 zombies! They were now known to be in cahoots with the left wing red diaper doper babies.
102  The Art of DeclutteringbettyDone218/4/2009
     The Art of Decluttering has passed down through the ages and is renewed by each generation. The best teachers for this activity are female ! But that's OK!
101  The hathood of the traveling brown hat.rhondaDone213/20/2009
    I got on the internet and ordered one from this company called " The Joke's on You, LLC." They specialize in sneaky stuff like letting the air out of the sweatband of the hat where I found a secret note!
100  The Nephews come to VisitgregDone2212/9/2008
     A tall glass of lemonade would taste good after eating that Pop Burger, he was still hungry, so he ordered another one! While he was waiting, the UPS man came bringing a big package.
99  Laser Eye SurgerygregDone2010/3/2008
     The new doctor examined me, and with a big smile on his face, said to me, " Boy are you in luck!
98  Abiathar the Superhero!gregDone214/27/2007
    When the other trolls saw this, they immediately knelt down and revived their health. Moments later, they came upon a wide, glistening puddle of goo. It looked like an experiment by Dr. Vahzilok, or maybe the Council's attempts to try jumping over tall buildings was exceedingly successful, plus those mean old Outcasts failed to stop the arch-villain before his master plan was unveiled!
97  My New Video Game!bettyDone213/13/2007
    I was so mad! I jumped off the building right into the middle of 5 contaminated thugs who began pummeling the Playstation in frustration.
96  Fixing up my GardengregDone221/29/2007
    I've got half a mind to take a nap in the nearby hammock. Last summer I had installed the hammock between two pillars made of marble.
95  Rearranging My New Tech RoombettyDone221/31/2007
     I needed some deodorizing spray, so I went to the store and bought a can of Great Stuff and sprayed it into the crevice. It expanded quickly into a hard, yellowish goo which was perfect for the cats new dining area. They would love this pretty new space complete with not one but two cores per CPU, giving it inherent multiprocessing power.
94  Speeding Down the HighwaybettyDone2112/4/2006
    He swiftly landed in full view of the spectators that had gathered to watch the race! They cheered, they waved, and they put the pedal to the metal and zoomed past the hidden radar. Quick as a wink, they saw blue lights in the rear view mirrors, so they hightailed it across the state, carefully avoiding known speed traps, living off of coffee and Slim Jims, and sleeping in the car in Wal-Mart parking lots.
93  Having SurgerygregDone2012/1/2006
    I want every intern to pay attention here. Watch me make this incision, and I don't want anybody to cry when I'm gone.
92  Accountant at WorkgregDone214/1/2006
    There were 100 accountants, all identical!! They all laughed, and said you look like an alien! If you don't believe us, just go look in the mirror, and you will see why all accountants insist on only being paid with gold bullion. I dunked them in a thing of tartar sauce, then demanded some pieces of carbon paper to make some old-fashioned copies of himself from the cloning machine!!
91  What I Saw When I Took a WalkbettyDone213/31/2006
    As soon as possible, I needed to go really bad! I could the pressure building in my lower abdomen. If I waited any longer I would poop on myself! So I turned around and I rushed toward the massive oak tree in order to hide behind it.
90  Learning a Foreign LanguagegregDone222/4/2006
    Shocked, he picked his beret out of the muddy gutter, shook it off and put it on his resume. This will surely impress them! They'll be so impressed they will spew! Just kidding, of course, but who knows, you may end up in Swaziland, in a dark jungle, surrounded by insipid but angry Frenchmen frothing epithets at us proudly patriotic Americans.
89  Putting out Christmas LightsbettyDone212/3/2006
    We put it in hyperdrive and watched with glee, when it started to spark and sizzle from all the electricity coursing through it. I could hear the whine of the power meter dials spinning. I could hear the sound of sleigh bells coming from the roof! Could it be? Would I really get to see Santa Claus???
88  Lazor Beam HydragregDone2212/16/2005
    Please don't eat me! I promise to stay out of your way, and believe me, you'll never know that I used a degreazor!
87  Concert at Chrysler HallbettyDone2112/14/2005
    That restless sound soon reached the top balcony, where our VIP seats were. We could see the entire auditorium from here, as well as mink coats, diamond tiaras, and fancy tuxedos trimmed with mistletoe and holly.
86  Touring EuropebonnieDone2112/13/2005
    That was a bad idea, because we landed headlong in a deep ditch full of soupy mud!
85  Christmas ShoppingbettyDone2212/1/2005
    God bless us, every one!" A tear ran down my cheek as a sudden blast of frigid, snowy air reddened my nose, numbed my cheeks, caught my breath and blew all my packages into a snowdrift.
84  Working at McDonald'sgregDone2112/1/2005
    I tried not to smirk when the customer called me "Luv". I knew she was from Guinea, especially when she proceeded to order a Whopper...oops, this is McDonald's!!!
83  Trip to the Pumpkin PatchsherryDone2211/7/2005
    While we waited, the kids were able to play a beanbag game. They had to throw up their hands and scream "Eureka!!!!" Everyone turned their attention to us and the farmer (who was very creative about recycling) used old tires to start a bonfire. Boy, it stank, but the flames reached to pick up a jar of homemade apple butter!
82  test2gregDone249/16/2015
    I said. "I don't have any idea what you are talking about. There's no title, no subject...How would I begin to know what you mean?
81  Going Into Space IIgregDone2110/28/2005
    But you would know that being the seasoned astronaut that you are. Why you could probably teach us to perform an EVA correctly and not drift away from the craft. First, secure your seatbelt and your helmet and make sure the main power switch is turned to cheese, just as the Lunar Society of Cheese-Lovers had predicted.
80  Taking Computer ClassbettyDone2010/27/2005
    After a while, you will not feel so dizzy. Believe me, your brain will start to eat up all your system resources, until you have made at least a dozen new entries.
79  Cooking Show IIgregDone219/27/2005
    This is so versatile, you can even use it to shell hard-boiled eggs. Let me demonstrate, Kent." Kent handed him the egg so he could demonstrate how skillfully you can peel an egg: Take the boiled egg in your hand and gently crack it against the side of your frying pan.
78  Potty Training the TwinsbettyDone219/24/2005
    We went to Outdoor World and found 2 very dirty diapers behind the bookcase. Ewww! Smelly! And the Welcome Wagon ladies were already coming up my front steps! The quickest thing I could do was put them into a big cardboard box.
77  Noisy NeighborsbonnieDone219/23/2005
    Suddenly it occurred to me that I could hook up my Mega-Blaster speakers and aim them next door! My payback noise will surely make the neighbors feel sorry for me if they know they've been disturbing my nesting South American hens.
76  Driving Across CountrybettyDone229/16/2005
    We immediately had a flat tire! And I know it was because we ran over a speed bump that was so big, the front end of the car shot into the air! We were leaning back like astronauts!
75  NASCAR DaysgregDone219/9/2005
    Why I even have his name printed on my flame-retardant suit and on my car, I don't know. Couldn't we get another sponsor, one who won't make us wear these stupid ballcaps? As if an answer to prayer, up walked none other than George W.
74  Conserving WaterbonnieDone229/9/2005
    It's actually a water-saving toilet, and it cost much more than I could afford. In fact it cost a dollar. The cigarette lighter cost a dollar.
73  The Best Diet Ever!sherryDone218/31/2005
     This is great! Next thing you know, you will be skin and bones. No one will know you. Everyone will think you are Shamu the Orca if you wear a tuxedo before your diet is accomplished. So instead, try to re-interpret your hunger as a desire to do another favorite activity besides eat, such as eggplant, okra, mushrooms, and rhubarb: all on Greg's list of guys lookin' in yer window!
72  What a Yard Sale!bettyDone208/23/2005
    After that they didn't need to mow the lawn! The grass was all mashed down, because all the people had found such great bargains, and were so delighted, they asked us if we would consider administering a state-wide network of yard sales from an executive highrise in Manhattan.
71  Test PilotgregDone218/17/2005
    But I was in for the surprise of my life. It all started the day my mechanic called to me, "Captain Mitchell, you had better put down that bottle of Tequila and come look at this." Although having been on a 3 day binge, I tried to rise from my seated position.
70  A Day in the Life of a DorksherryDone218/14/2005
    My IQ is higher than my weight." "Oh really? she said with a wink. Great googlely-mooglely...that was just about the nicest thing anyone had ever said! Well, after hearing that, I was ready to sharpen all my pencils, and I discovered I need to go buy a new pocketsize spiral notebook and a black power cable.
69  Time for a Checkup!bonnieDone218/3/2005
     "Surely you don't mean for me to wear the hideous hospital gown in public, do you?!! Man! I would look like a model off the cover of one of those muscle man magazines!! If I did, then I could REALLY feel my heart pounding! I knew I had to get out of there, and the only way to do it was to amputate from above the knee.
68  Building My New Cat CondobettyDone217/10/2005
    It was the best thing I could think of to prevent the neighbor's cats from invading and taking over the condo. Another thing I tried was screwing into the ceiling one of those screws with the ring, or eye, on the end, and threading string through it in order to tie it to a dumbbell.
67  Putting Up WallpapergregDone216/12/2005
     Quit that! You're getting wallpaper paste all in my hair! uh oh, I'm all out.
66  My Newest Home Improvement Project!bettyDone205/17/2005
    "I understand you need a staple gun to finish that project. and it will also help you store things." After all that hard work, the value of the property went up so much I got an offer I couldn't refuse, and I moved into a condo.
65  Phone CallbonnieDone215/9/2005
     "I'm fine! I wanted to ask if you knew there is a moose in your front yard!
64  Airline PilotgregDone214/23/2005
     No time to lose; the passengers were eating up all the pretzels!
63  I'm Not In It For The...bonnieDone214/6/2005
     Others glory in it, and freely share their personal joys. For example, while having fries at the fast food restaurant, I might lean over to my friend and share this insight about myself: "I'm not in it for the fries, I'm in it for the KETCHUP!"
62  Hosting a Cooking ShowbettyDone214/12/2005
    Eventually, this began to attract flies. "Who left the window open?" He shouted. "Close that window before that monkey gets in!" But it was too late, the hot cheese was dripping down onto the bottom of the oven and causing a terrible night with Nielsen's ratings.
61  Ain't It Cool?gregDone224/7/2005
    I screeched to a halt, jumped out, and exclaimed to my friends, "Ain't it cool? I got it for 10 cents at the thrift store! Why would anyone want to eat eel?
60  Competing with Starbuck'sbonnieDone214/2/2005
    He liked good ol' cane sugar, while she preferred tea to coffee, it was good to try something new for a change, so she ordered a lemon cookie with her tea. Then she asked for some lemon for her tea! Incredulous, I asked her, with sarcasm, "
59  My First Ocean CruisebettyDone213/28/2005
    Swab the deck, you landlubber. You will earn your keep on my ship. Now bring me a mug of cold frosty beer! Wow, would that hit the spot!" He grinned with satisfaction at the thought of running up to that hoity-toity aristocrat woman and bumping her right into the pool.
58  Captain UnderpantsgregDone213/23/2005
    Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time! But there wasn't time to even think! My face was reddening by the second. Before much longer I would surely be able to flush it all down with this high-flow toilet! I pushed the lever and water erupted from the white platform.
57  New Year's Resolutions!bonnieDone213/18/2005
     We must improve our health! So we're focusing on diet, exercise, stress management and decluttering of house, home, and mind. A big job, but somebody's got to do it, and it might as well be YOU! I mean what are we here for?
56  Saturday Morning's Cartoon MarathonbettyDone213/13/2005
     The rockets landed with a great sound like a car crash! But it was the dishes, falling on the kitchen floor because the kids were up on the counter trying to get their own breakfast! Bam! The rockets landed with a great sound like a car crash! But it was the dishes, falling on the kitchen floor because the kids were up on the counter trying to get their own breakfast!
55  Spy Base AlphagregDone213/8/2005
    because we couldn't run the risk of any publicity. The slightest amount could alter the electrolyte balance of everyone on the base! To prevent absolutely any mistake, we chose to consult Mr. Fantastic, AKA Dr.
54  Texas WinterbonnieDone203/3/2005
     Now all I could do was sit on the cold hard concrete floor and wait for someone to bail me out of jail. How embarrassing! Now all I could do was sit on the cold hard concrete floor and wait for someone to bail me out of jail. I hadn't applied my sunscreen evenly!
53  Christmas Shopping - 2004bettyDone202/26/2005
     How weary I felt! It was as if I had no limit on my credit cards! I just kept buying and buying! There was so much to choose from, she let her stomach do the talking so she picked the one with chocolate sprinkles.
52  Modeling AgencygregDone212/21/2005
     Show me that anorexic girl who came in a while ago. She has the look we want. She must weigh close to 350 pounds. But that's OK. that's right... Perfect! She's a door. The next girl can pose on this poof chair.
51  All I Need Is...bonnieDone212/16/2005
    After that I should feel really blessed and just happy to be alive. To see a good selection I think I will have to go to the baths, and have a good soak. After that I should feel really blessed and just happy to be alive. And that is hard to find.
50  My Summer at the Archeological DigbettyDone212/11/2005
     First we set up out tents and dug latrines into which to put the daily entries, which should include date, grid coordinates, name of the person who found it, and a description of ancient Babylonian bones with the addition of old photos of amazingly preserved pies!
49  Shopping at Lowe'sgregDone202/6/2005
     I needed some 2x4s and wood paneling, so I headed for Lowe's. When I got there I saw pickup trucks coming and going all day long.
48  Anorexia TherapybonnieDone212/1/2005
    Because that's where you are, you know-- but try not to think about it. It's counter-productive. Stay focused on eating everything in sight. You may end up being bulimic, but at least that won't kill you. Probably. Your other alternative is to eat yogurt 3 times a day. To add to the great nutritional value of the yogurt, you can add chopped tuna.
47  Building My New House!bettyDone231/27/2005
     It was beautiful! Shining through from underneath were rows and rows of seats for the home theater. We could present movies in professional comfort for up to 30 people.
46  Ultimate Ninja IIgregDone211/22/2005
    "For great justice!" I cried, and "All your base are belong to us!" Then I jumped over the wall and into the swirling vortex of fear! Countering the attack with another new move, the hovering spinning high kick, he propelled his opponent across the room flew a whirling bat ninja right at me.
45  Election Day!bettyDone211/17/2005
    So we went to the front of the line to show our voter cards. banner. It was sad, in a way, since everyone knew that chewing gum really does stick to the bottoms of desks and stays there forever.
44  A Day in the Life of...bonnieDone201/12/2005
    My home, seen only in faded memories after all those years... Delirious with joy, I lept aboard the ship that would take me home. My home, seen only in faded memories after all those years... Immediately we set to bringing it into the nest. Delirious with joy, I lept aboard the ship that would take me home.
43  High School CarwashgregDone201/7/2005
    The theme this year was Election Year Falderall! We brought out the banners of red, white, and blue. We brought out the banners of elephants and donkeys. We even brougnt out the banners of eye-catching, colorful cloth were tied up in various locations around the perimeter of the parking lot for the purpose of raising money for the annual sack race.
42  Pushed Over the EdgebonnieDone211/2/2005
     The queasiness. The dizziness. Sleep-deprived and caffeinated, her psyche was a dangerous mixture of sluggish reasoning and irritation.
41  Cleaning Out the GaragebettyDone2112/28/2004
     We had rented it for just this purpose. Waste Management was going to come get it at the end of the week. "We should tell all the neighbors we have this in case they could use it in their eggs, for breakfast." We then looked at the workbench ; there lay Barrister really liking all the room where he could stretch out, and also he enjoyed the warm sunlight as he stepped out into the fresh air for a little break.
40  HULK SMASH!gregDone2012/23/2004
    "We can't go this way because the Hulk has smashed it to smithereens. Maybe we could--whoa!" Just then, Doc Samson smashed the ice sculpture into tiny shards, throwing everyone off guard, and one after another they slipped and fell onto the wet sidewalk.
39  Joining the PTAbonnieDone2012/18/2004
    It's awesome!" He grabbed the Tostitos and started handing out applications for new vinyl siding and storm windows. What's going on? Is this some kind of sales pitch?!! To answer my question, around the corner came a flaming homosexual!
38  Going to the County FairbettyDone2012/13/2004
     Look at it! The judges thought it tasted like chemicals. it's Nutrasweet! I've got aspartame posioning!" He started to spin drunkenly, crying "My head! but we grabbed him and wanted to turn him inside out, if you know what I mean. But we controlled ourselves and decided to give him the riot act.
37  News at 11gregDone2012/8/2004
    They worked around the clock sweeping all the flood waters out of the newsroom. Needless, to say, all the sound equipment was choked with papers that had been discarded right out the window.
36  Investigating VegetarianismbonnieDone2112/3/2004
     Pilot! Pilot! I need a pilot! Oh, I forgot my plane ride is over. Good thing I asked for a Kosher meal. I guess that's why they gave me a plate of warm stir-fried vegetable with tofu crumbles."
35  Boppy's Trip to TexasbettyDone2111/28/2004
    Security measures, you know. So in the spirit of cooperation, we all trooped through the metal detector one by one. When the alarm sounded, the inspector pulled aside a tall glass of iced tea!
34  Dance ClassbonnieDone2111/23/2004
    For color consultation you must see an Avon representative, you need some Cellu-scupt to get rid of those unsightly lumps of fat bulging unattractively from various areas in her leotard. But was she flexible?
33  The Minotaur KinggregDone2111/18/2004
    It slid between the scales of the Minotaur King's armor and plunged deep into its side.
32  The Bizarre BazaarbonnieDone2011/13/2004
     While I was whirling it around my waist, I started to feel nostalgia for the carefree days of my youth, once so far away, but now closer for seeing the whole collection of Scooby Doos all in one place was amazing! What a sight to see!
31  My Trip Around the WorldbettyDone2111/8/2004
     I am going to wheel in here to this little cafe and order a tall glass of foamy beer, running out of the keg, down the bar, and onto the floor, puddling around the table legs in yeasty-smelling bubbles. My frantic struggling to stop the flow gave way to resignation that I would have to find another job to earn ticket fare back home.
30  Downtown PrecinctgregDone2211/3/2004
     The fact that I'm addicted to placebos doesn't make it any easier. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference. I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Put the handcuffs on and lead me away.
29  Growing Up on a FarmbettyDone2110/29/2004
     The dirt from my past several weeks of work had crusted upon itself to the point that it could begin to flake off in great chunks, and I could see the blue cloth beneath. I set out to be the fastest, bestest, rootin'-tootin'est cow milker in the whole state.
28  The Dinosaur WorldbonnieDone2110/24/2004
     That's when we heard it: birdlike calls, a sound like distant rumbling thunder, and the snapping, cracking sound of large trees falling.
27  Gardening with BettygregDone2010/19/2004
     No interlopers in this garden! You can count on me to take care of all the weeds, because I know what a weed looks like. It looks like a cross between a marigold and a dandelion. If you see one of these, pull it up!
26  On the Open RoadbonnieDone2110/14/2004
     He realized he needed to oil his wheels. So he oiled his wheels adjusted his helmut and took off down the highway, 0 to 60 in 4 seconds! Wow, the thrill of it, the wind rushing by, the steady loud purr of the motorcycle.
25  The International VillagebonnieDone2110/9/2004
    But then we realized: we were all scared. The forces of Hauptmann Gestapo were closing in, and Molly was really enjoying her Chinese Chop Suey.
24  Weekend in ParisgregDone2110/4/2004
    his friend said. "You must really like french fries! But over here we call them pommes frites, and we like to smother them with sauteed onions.
23  Xander Goes ShoppingbettyDone229/29/2004
    But what to do next? And where to go next? I think we should go over to the hardware department and we can look for some Transformers!
22  Fart DictionarybonnieDone219/24/2004
     We made fun of them because their farts were so soft and quiet. "You have sissy farts! You are a sissy! You are a sissy!"
21  Boot CampgregDone219/19/2004
     I want extra cheese on mine. What would you want on yours?" "A spoiler, chromed blower, and a fire-engine red paint job!" I exclaimed, beaming. "And I just might get it, too, it's just what I need in my tent when we go camping out in the woods. In the middle of the night, I can get it out and use it to help me steal hot dogs from the mess hall.
20  Good Old Pop's Drive-inbettyDone219/14/2004
     I could hardly wait to get to Pop's! I was so hungry, and the food always tasted so much like chicken. Even when we put barbecue sauce on it. But then it tasted like it came out of the dumpster! How could this be? Every other time the food had tasted fresh and good. Maybe it was because the cook turned out to be an ex-con.
19  Going Back to CollegebettyDone219/9/2004
    You must hurry because there's a bomb threat! Terrorists are threatening to destroy the entire campus!!" I couldn't believe it. All I could do was look around in amazement. "All these books must be at least a hundred years old!"
18  If You Give a Mouse a CookiebonnieDone219/4/2004
    They were always one step ahead of us, always anticipating a gourmet delight, complete with linen napkin, real silverware, sparkling crystal goblets, and soft relaxing heavy metal music.
17  Our Summer VacationbettyDone218/30/2004
     They all wondered. Mystified, they cautiously approached the abandoned roller coaster. "Hey, let's get one of the cars, push it to the top and jump in and see how far we can go!" So they laboriously pushed and pushed, and when they got to the top they saw what was causing the tornado: the villanous Sky Master!!
16  Trapped in a MinegregDone218/25/2004
     Hey maybe this will work out after all! So he took one stick, and he cut it into one inch pieces and used them to start a fire.
14  Our Visit to the LibrarybonnieDone218/15/2004
     I yelled. "It's just a joke!" But it didn't matter. Everyone brought their posters for the big Super Readout Day.
13  Stress Reduction TechniquesbonnieDone238/10/2004
    Why is the grass green? Why--" And just then the drugs kicked in and then the convulsions started. "Oh, no!"
12  My New Job at Burger KingbettyDone208/5/2004
     The Sheriff will think we have turned into an opium den. What to do?! Maybe we should replace them with soy.
11  Cooking with GrandmabettyDone227/31/2004
     Oh no! And this was the photo they were going to publish in the newspaper next to her recipe for Banana Upside-Down Chocolate Chip Brownies with walnuts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
10  Ultimate NinjagregDone227/26/2004
    "How can we practice our rolls with all this stuffing coming out?" he said. " We can take them and subject them to my newest ultimate move: Swirling Vortex of Thousand-Hand Doom!" He stealthily lunged out from under cover, and they immediately began shooting 360 degrees around their location, blowing away over half the threat in the first 4 seconds.
 Wall Street BluesgregDone227/16/2004
    Sometimes he would laugh, thinking how now the Betty Mafia could never get him. Ever. His laughter, tinged with madness, echoed through the prison daily. It was a hollow sound. But it was the only one he cared about anymore. correction centers where every day he would get to watch TV, exercise, and eat three prison meals a day.
 Going into SpacebettyDone217/11/2004
     However one of the travelers did not believe him and did it anyway, and propelled himself into a black hole! The ship contorted in bizarre, unthinkable ways as the universe collapsed around them. Moments later, all hell broke loose when they drifted into ans asteroid belt. Being slammed from all sides, they quickly tried to vent the waste container into space, before it exploded and spewed human refuse all over the cabin.
 Ye Olde Medieval DaysbettyDone217/1/2004
    The Earl replied with a bow, "And I named the cheese after thee, milord." Then the Count called all the servants together to tell them the bad news: They would no longer get free sandwiches until the draconian taxes levied by the Duke of Hazzarde were removed.
 Barrister the Lawyer CatbettyDone216/26/2004
     Pandemonium ensued in the courtroom! The judge escaped deep scratches by hiding under his desk. Miss Na Tasha was into heavy spitting, and Barrister had to resort to using a bowl of Grape-Nuts for a litterbox.
 The Big ConundrumbettyDone216/21/2004
     Finally, they spilled out into the aisles of the auditorium and all threw their hats into the air. Yeeha! We graduated!
 Woo baby!gregDone216/16/2004
     After all who wants on their pizza those dripping greasy carrot sticks. exclaimed Betty. "You deep-fried carrots sticks???" Bonnie nodded gleefully, and handed her a big basket of individually wrapped rolls of toilet paper. A bonus to be sure!
 Big ComputergregDone186/11/2004
    Everyone was so inspired by his shameless act of pariotism, they stood up and applauded with great gusto, knowing full well that as soon as they sat back down, they would know that this was the end of the world as they knew it.