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Story IDTitleCreatorStatusNum EntriesDate Finished
174  Springtime in VirginiabettyDone2212/27/2022
     You can see it, right next to the big ferris wheel. Whee! Let's go ride it! We can see the whole countryside and we can see all the people in the truck stop, staring at the calendar, realizing it's only a few days before Summer!
173  Daylight Saving Time !bettyDone234/21/2021
     They will taste delicious, so go get the tomatoes, lettuce, onion, pickles, and jar of eyeballs. Who keeps a jar of real eyeballs? It's like a cry for help, or something. All this stuff had to be bagged and filed as evidence. We had a big job ahead of us: figuring out how to get in a vehicle fast enough to outrun the sun as it moved from east to west.
172  A Winter Day in the WildernessbonnieDone222/15/2021
     However, I hate people telling me what to do, ...like I have to use fully-jacketed rounds at the indoor shooting range, because they're concerned about LeAd PoIsOnInG...
171  Oh, the weather outside is frightful...bettyDone2212/31/2020
    Finally! My butt was sore from sitting around in the terminal for hours and hours. uh oh, what's that noise? It sounds like burping...could it be from that big Christmas dinner?? I am still investigating that turn of events.
170  The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!bettyDone231/13/2020
    We're headed for the Mexican border. Would you pass the TV remote control? I need to find out what the score is. I guess I could find out on my phone, but turkey grease had dripped all over it. Now get in, loser. We're headed for the Mexican border.
169  A Breath of Fresh AirbonnieDone2211/15/2019
    The maestro glared and sighed. Everyone was staring because they had never seen anyone throwing beans in the river before.
168  Toiling at 3 a.m.bettyDone2210/13/2019
     Sitting there on the two-holed set was very relaxing and in the distance we could hear the rumbling of thousands of troll feet as they stampede toward us. It would have been a terrifying sound at any time, but hearing at 3am was the worst.
167  The Reckoning of the KiwisxanderDone227/28/2019
    Meat pies steamed behind the counter of coffee shops. Yes, it was a day just like any other. But little did the inhabitants know, today would be the last normal day in a long time. Well, no matter what else is going on, everybody knows the most important thing to have is drinking water.
166  Somebody's Gotta Do It !bettyDone227/8/2019
    they then proceeded to let loose a tremendous battle cry, striking fear into the hearts of their enemies. Their fury was legendary, their strength and unity were more than we could contend with. Once, they were humble, housecleaning appliances.
165  I love Thunderstorms !bettyDone216/10/2019
     Almost like I was back at wrestling training camp in Louisville, Kentucky. I was barely a stick of a kid back then but I had big dreams.
164  Wrapping those Christmas Presents !bettyDone231/9/2019
     In the attic? In the garage? Ah, man.. I will just go buy some new paper at the local Christmas wrap store. They had every kind you could think of, but I was really drawn to the sparkly tissue wrapping paper!
163  Let's Set Fire to the WoodsxanderDone2112/7/2018
    Oh yeah, also while we are here, I would like to have a picnic! Yeah! I can bring roast beef sandwiches, and you can bring a few bottles of beer! You can bring a few bottles! Take one out, pass it around, 98 bottles of fire propellant, obviously. You might be wondering why I would think of such a thing!
162  Some Kind of AdventurexanderDone239/10/2018
    The only solution we could think of was to cut the rope to the anchor so we could drift away from the whirlpool...hopefully.
161  That Garage !bettyDone228/9/2018
    Right next to all the boxes full of stuff ready to donate to the thrift store! I felt soooo proud! I think they should be displayed in the Alamo gift shop! Right next to all the boxes full of stuff ready to donate to the thrift store!
160  I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?bettyDone248/3/2018
     I just hoped they knew how to fill out an unemployment form, because at the rate they're going, they're going to need to! In the last hour they emptied the cash registers into special bank bags and took them all to task on proper upsale technique.
159  A large, healthy tuft of stump grassbonnieDone227/18/2018
    I got concerned so I called animal control services. When they arrived, they quickly put the fire out that was creeping toward the stump grass.
158  Cleaning up after Milo the MousebettyDone217/11/2018
     So be very, very careful never to leave a trail of crumbs to your bedside! Nor should you neglect to shine a flashlight into all the dark corners. A clean, clear smell of fresh mouse urine....ahhhh! Milo must be nearby! Maybe he is resting in a soft bowl of potpourri to freshen the air.
157  Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA CampusbettyDone227/6/2017
     Next time we take a walking tour we will bring plenty of musical instruments, especially guitars and drums." That sounded good, but I had to wonder if there would be enough butter pecan ice cream to go around.
156  San Antonio VacationgregDone225/27/2017
    "How strange," I exclaimed, as I tried to climb over the fence, but scintillating disco balls blinded me and I couldn't continue!
155  Will That Snow Ever Melt? !bettyDone212/5/2017
    And so I wake in the morning and I step outside just to get a breath of fresh, crisp, cold air, but what do I get?!! I get instead a blast of the past. It's 80s music everywhere! It reminds of all the times that I ever wanted more in my whole life. Surely someone would figure out that what I really wanted was a simple joy.
154  Different Pizza ToppingsgregDone211/11/2017
     Then there is the delicious fruit pizza! Sugar cookie crust with strawberries, kiwi fruit, pineapple all arranged in a pattern of pleasing proportions. The cheese should go on first, though. If you put the cheese on last, the vegetables will get sour and moldy if you leave them out of the frig too long.
153  But I don't want to!bonnieDone2011/13/2016
     Because if you are hungry, you will probably end up getting frustrated. The best thing to do is take a minute to evaluate the situation, then decide which size pizza to order, the giant 18-inch, or should we order the small instead of the large?
152  We Need More Enthusiasm !bettyDone2210/16/2016
     It's always a boost to the self-confidence when the person in charge starts ranting and raving, maybe someone needs to pour on his head a bucket of vomit!
151  Xander's New Dorm RoombonnieDone219/9/2016
     Xander's new home and everyone in the dorm gathered there to eat fresh bread and butter. Choosing his favorite one, he popped it into the microwave for 3 minutes, and when he took it out, it looked like a true man cave! Xander's new home and everyone in the dorm gathered there to eat fresh bread and butter.
150  Trying to Keep Cool !bettyDone228/20/2016
     We collected the balls of ice and used them to rub the backs of the necks of the people who had passed out from the heat. As each one of them came back to consciousness, They said, " Excuse me, could we please get ten pounds of Reese's Peanut Butter Cup!"
149  The Stump VinebonnieDone214/26/2016
     They have always known about what pesticides were too dangerous to use. For instance you would never use DDT in combination with crystals of methamphetamine! I didn't want to break the bad news, but police could show up at any minute! When they get here, we will make our favorite hamburger strogonoff using ground up stumps.
148  LaundrycolleenDone204/2/2016
     Oh! Well, in that case, we should string up some clothesline in the back yard. One end we could wrap around the big pine tree, and the other end we could tie to the neck of an ISIS terrorist!
147  It's snowing!!!colleenDone292/22/2016
    What a day we had!! But Winter is almost over!! In just a few days, we went home.
145  Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!bettyDone212/5/2016
    I know there are tons of photos to go through and sort. We should put the ones of Xander and Ethan in a special embossed hankerchief. It had the monogram "A", which I thought stood for "Ackerson", but it actually was 4 hours before we finally got out of Costco !
144  Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!colleenDone201/10/2016
     In fact, anyone could just walk in and easily help themselves to croissants, chocolate eclairs, and mugs of steaming beef stew. Ladelling out a serving, I went out on the patio and enjoyed a big bowl of roasted chili peppers.
143  Resolutions for the New Year !bettyDone221/9/2016
     The best way to tackle tedious jobs like that is to sit down with a BIG glass of wine and ponder for a while. Soon, you will feel focused and relaxed and ready to go out the front door to my new life!
142  Ordering Online Christmas Presents !bettyDone2112/14/2015
     The only one who delivers more Christmas presents than UPS! But you know he needs all the help he can get, and you can help by registering all your information on the website, so every time from then on you won't have to type in your office on your clicky-clacky IBM keyboard from 1981.
141  Dual CompostersgregDone2112/13/2015
    Stop looking at my bum and get on with your work!" "Do you think I am a GARDENER??? Because if so, you are correct!" He turned to go, which was awkward because he was carrying bucket load after bucket load of stinking garbage and pouring it carefully into the concrete mixer. I pulled the lever and it started slowly turning.
140  Deli BolognagregDone2211/28/2015
     It's okay, though, they'll clean up the spill on aisle 4. Here comes the guy with the mop now ! He agilely bent over and handed a bouquet of flowers to a little girl.
139  Getting Ready for Fall !bettyDone2110/29/2015
    This is what's known as fall protection gear. Once I was satisfactorily secured, I was ready to gather the black walnuts, so I looked in the garage for a big surprise!
138  SlatheragegregDone219/16/2015
     And look at the price tag! It cost over $ 500. Worth every penny! Not only was it useful for safely snagging escaped animals, you could also use it for compost. And when Spring comes, gently layer it around the exposed dirt.
137  Growing Those Tomatoes !bettyDone218/1/2015
    Spray it with a mixture of epsom salts, garlic juice, and a little bit of crushed eggshells.
136  Midnight snackcolleenDone216/11/2015
    It might give you bad breath and terrible indigestion. I got out my Altoids and Tums, took two of each and then proceeded to prop up our feet and top everything off with a smooth and tasty pina colada.
135  That New Smart PhonebettyDone226/10/2015
     I just gave up and started playing Soda Crush. A relaxing game that makes me feel insecure. The only thing that could settle my nerves now would be if I could take some time to remove all the apps I don't like.
134  NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THISgregDone246/3/2015
    When you're buying tickets for entertainment purposes, it's best if you just ignore this storyline because it does not have one. Who thought this up anyway?? It must have been Mr. Carrington, the newspaper deliveryman!
133  Why me!?!!colleenDone236/3/2015
     Ethan will be glad to help you if you find your wallet is straining to hold all that money. First, we'll go out to lunch. Then we'll get a new phone. Then we'll get a PS4. and sure enough, an F5 tornado appeared out of nowhere and destroyed the whole town and everyone in it, including us.
132  Backyard ProjectsbettyDone225/28/2015
    Grabbing my car keys, I hurried up to Lowe's to buy some mulch. It was on sale !!When I checked out I had bought so many bags, the total number came to 21.
131  Cupcakes!colleenDone225/26/2015
     I need to make special cupcakes for a coworker's birthday. So, I decided to use paper liners this time, because the last time I didn't, and add any baking powder, so when I took them out of the oven, they looked like they would be delicious!
129  Climbing Enchanted RockbettyDone215/2/2015
    I knew they only SEEMED closer...or were they really? The clear sky released the oppressive heat, and stars started to blink on. I knew they only SEEMED closer...or were they really? It could also be caused by heavy and drenching downpours of rain which then froze over the entire Rock when the temperature suddenly dropped.
128  I Need to Take a Trip !bettyDone224/16/2015
    It was obvious the dog was no fan of the cats! But he was a big fan of just taking a nap! But, noooooo oooooooooo. Oooooooooo. They don't accept senior citizens, teenagers, or Discover Card. It made me want to go to San Antonio, Texas to visit Bonnie, Chad, Xander, Ethan, and their dog named all the cats in the neighborhood: "Stinky", "Spazzy", "Sissy McWeepington", "Sir Pukesalot", etc.
127  Bonnie's New Tutoring JobbonnieDone274/16/2015
    That job took you to the back room to show you where to sit and how long it will take for the next assignment.
126  Getting Ready for New Year's EvebettyDone222/18/2015
    It's good for you! It's Regular Ordinary Swedish meal time flies when you're having fun! Or as the famous Latin phrase puts it: " Carpe Noctem !" So we worked through the night putting the final touches on the family portrait.
125  New Year's ResolutionsbonnieDone2212/24/2014
    "OK, now it's your best hope for improving your life. So what do you want? Do you want to take a trip to some exotic tropical island. Hmmm I think this destination would be a good choice: the unemployment line!
124  Get Those Presents Wrapped !bettyDone2212/24/2014
     From there they will be handed out to homeless people. What will they do with them? Obviously, they will put them in the refrigerator asap. Chop! Chop! Once they get good and cold, they will be ready for pickup! You will recognize the delivery personnel by their red noses so cold and dripping with molasses.
123  We Need a Plumber !bettyDone2212/12/2014
    sign because the fuzzy dize were blocking my view, and unfortunately the odor was overpowering. We had to turn on the exhaust fan and spray around the room a big new can of WD-40.
122  Christmas DecorationsbonnieDone2212/12/2014
    But they're just acting. They're just lying there waiting to be strung from shrub to shrub. Let's get going! First I will check them by plugging them into the nearest electrical outlet. It's a trick to get the lights lined up just right, but when you do, the results are two thumbs with far too many blisters, and a back with far too acute an angle.
121  I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!bettyDone2111/28/2014
    It drew me in...into a world that I could hardly imagine! Finally I had to say Good night to my Chat buddies, and in unison they all said to me, " We're doing an intervention."
120  The Great BeyondxanderDone219/21/2014
    We're also going for the ultimate challenge of reaching Mars in less than the time it takes for a comet to become invisible again to the naked eye.
119  Summer bonnieDone209/21/2014
    That will prevent water loss through evaporation. That will mean fewer times you have to refill the pitcher at your lemonade stand. Whereas you will always have to have a fresh supply of ice and a number of clean towels.
118  Best Video Game of the Year !bettyDone228/15/2014
    That's why when there's a new game coming out that I want, I always get scared if I'm approaching a shadowy corner. I'm very cautious in that case because I really don't want for a dinosaur to eat me.
117  The best movie EVER!!!colleenDone217/18/2014
    Then some other people also stood up, put their hands over their hearts, and with great gusto, they sang " Should old acquaintance[s] be forgot, and never brought to mind, then I'll never see you again, and that suits me just fine."
116  What I Saw When I Took A Walk IIgregDone235/28/2014
    So I kept going until I reached the end of of the road...and there was the sun setting in a gorgeous display of orange and gold !! I had come too far and seen too much to stop now!
115  You know...bonnieDone2311/10/2013
    A nice, hot cup of tea, flavored with garlic. I thought, "That doesn't sound good for breakfast." For breakfast I would rather have one bar of dark chocolate than ten bars of "The Star-Spangled Banner".
114  Whatever is on your mind !bettyDone2410/27/2013
    Call the plumber! This is a job for a professional! Do not try to eat beans that have not been cooked long enough.. They may cause a tremendous amount of gas and you will feel quite light-headed. The remedy for that is to be totally relaxed, have warm socks on your feet, and be ready to tackle the quarterback!
113  Nursery RhymegregDone2210/24/2013
    Some like it hot, some like it cold, some like it in the pot ten days old. Peter picked a peck of pickled quail eggs. The secret to winning the eating contest is, before the start bell sounds, separate out all the smallest lambs to put into the new Minecraft corral handily built by none other than Jack!
112  Global Warming !bettyDone268/19/2013
    she whined as she tugged her jacket tigher around herself. This crazy weather had been going on for thousands of years. No one could have anticipated the catastrophe that was just around the corner.
110  Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !bettyDone224/19/2013
     Nobody wants strangers pawing through his underwear drawer. Someone had gone and used White-Out over the price tags so everything that was $19.99 or $29.99 became $9.99.
109  ThanksgivingbonnieDone1912/19/2012
    :( The sound of fall is wind blowing rustling leaves. The soft summer breeze has become crispy. I know when I hear that sound, it means someone's at the door.
108  I Blew Up My Lab!gregDone2110/26/2012
    Now how did those get in here? Well, they were in the way so I moved them next to my collection of Bunsen burners, candles, and fireworks. Next I got out the shop vac to try to scoop up that big puddle of spit on the desk where I apparently had passed out from exhaustion.
107  Christmas Shopping IIIbettyDone212/11/2012
    But the only way to get to town to go shopping was to hitchhike! So I stuck out my thumb and hoped for the best. Believe it or not down the road came a knick-knack, paddywack, give a dog a wrapped-up box of chew bones and when he tears the wrapper off he will bite into a raw onion!
106  Let's Organize Your Garage !bettyDone227/25/2011
     To begin with you need a plan and some money for new shelves. Not just any shelves, but the kind that are made of old rotten athletic shoes. I had dozens of them, piled everywhere! They smelled like rotting potatoes. It was horrible. I tried to scoop them up with a long-handled metal scythe that we got from Reapers 'R' Us.
105  Christmas Shopping IIgregDone212/24/2011
    If you make one false move, I will take care of you by spiking the Christmas punch bowl with Jack Daniels!
103  Zombie Attack!gregDone226/10/2010
     It was a quiet, bright morning in Uptown Suburbia, USA. I went outside to water my plants, when suddenly I heard the deep guttural voice of a zombie!
102  The Art of DeclutteringbettyDone218/4/2009
    But that's OK! As a male, I know how to get things done. And the first thing to do is play a few missions in City Of Heroes just to get your blood flowing. The next thing to do would be have a fire sale! Anything that didn't get sold would become kindling for the bonfire that would be against my better judgment to put the white underwear into the same drawer as the colored butterflies streamed through the sewer line so fast that everyone thought, "
101  The hathood of the traveling brown hat.rhondaDone213/20/2009
     It was just so hot that I had to grab the hat and hurl it into a guy's open car window as I shot past him on the interstate. Utterly freaked out, he slammed on the brakes just in time to avoid hitting the big brown and white brownie sundae with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.
100  The Nephews come to VisitgregDone2212/9/2008
    That was something else. It all started when Ethan ran into the living room to take a swing in Greg's new hanging chair, only to discover that he had forgotten his Prozac. He was starting to get psycho just thinking about it! To calm him down, we tried to make the boys go to bed early, but alas they had eaten too many bags of ice for their swollen eyes.
99  Laser Eye SurgerygregDone2010/3/2008
    Later the doctor decided to play some soothing music for his patients. i 2 Eye", by Michael W. Smith. Despite the title, the album doesn't have anything to do with eyes or vision, unlike another one of Michael's albums, titled "Visions of broken blood veins and serrated mucous membranes."
98  Abiathar the Superhero!gregDone214/27/2007
    That ploy would never work, because a hero gets tired of going to the hospital over and over! Abiathar needs Artorios's help. So Abiathar asked him to pass the potatoes. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we do some serious bashing!
97  My New Video Game!bettyDone213/13/2007
    I could use it to make dessert with. I got my first 100 points with my first 100 kills.
96  Fixing up my GardengregDone221/29/2007
     So get out the special shears and with great vigor attack the dogs which had taken to pooping on the lawn. One bladder-full of liquid waste would wreak havoc with my expensive Mantis tiller, which is however so lightweight, that I can carry it with one hand, while I walk around the block six or seven times.
95  Rearranging My New Tech RoombettyDone221/31/2007
    It even took control of the speakers, and it was saying "Santa Claus is coming to town" over and over again until I could not stand it any longer, so I stood up and moved the cabinet of electronics components closer to the desk, so they'd be easy reach when they climbed down from the high cat tower.
94  Speeding Down the HighwaybettyDone2112/4/2006
     Too bad I didn't know that I was in the company of a red diaper doper baby who believed in God, who was the only one who could save him now! He tried pumping the brakes again to see if they really could go 120 mph. Well you'll never know unless you try!
93  Having SurgerygregDone2012/1/2006
    He hadn't made a payment in almost three months, and he was sure he would need at least a hundred stitches! He hoped the surgeon was handy with the needle, so when he was finished everything would look like something out of horror movie.
92  Accountant at WorkgregDone214/1/2006
    That's why I always read the Dilbert cartoon as soon as I get to work. That turns out to be the best part of the day for me because he makes me feel like I'm in control of my financial destiny. That's why I gave him a raise."
91  What I Saw When I Took a WalkbettyDone213/31/2006
    It left a mighty bruise, though, and hurt like crazy, so I let out a yell that sounded like a pickup truck, headed straight for me!
90  Learning a Foreign LanguagegregDone222/4/2006
    Isn't that something! We started laughing hilariously and we had to enunciate to be understood. If you mispronounce something you could really offend somebody by saying something you didn't intend.
89  Putting out Christmas LightsbettyDone212/3/2006
     Where are they coming from?? They must be coming from Mars! We're being invaded on Christmas!" He ran inside the house to call the electric company because the power seemed to be off. He kept plugging in lights but instead of coming on, they would just explode like a long string a chinese firecrackers.
88  Lazor Beam HydragregDone2212/16/2005
     It looks brand new! It's so sparkly, it must be alive! I wondered what would happen if I touched it, so I did. And guess what happened?!! = It exploded with the force of a 1,000 thermonuclear bombs, carving a massive crater out of the side of the moon and creating a ring around the earth, which persisted forever and ever.
87  Concert at Chrysler HallbettyDone2112/14/2005
    he exclaimed. He cracked his knuckles and proceded to sing their little hearts out.
86  Touring EuropebonnieDone2112/13/2005
    Already, I could hear the sound of heavy traffic. This made me feel very much like an Ugly American.
85  Christmas ShoppingbettyDone2212/1/2005
     He had already asked me for a refund. "Why?" I asked. he exclaimed, "I want paper not plastic! You stupidhead!" He stomped his feet and then he yelled, " God bless us, every one!" A tear ran down my cheek as a sudden blast of frigid, snowy air reddened my nose, numbed my cheeks, caught my breath and blew all my packages into a snowdrift.
84  Working at McDonald'sgregDone2112/1/2005
     I knew she was from Guinea, especially when she proceeded to order a Whopper...oops, this is McDonald's!!! Just a small faux pas, she thought. Well, think again!! The employee's eyes bugged out and he screamed "I want a refill! NOW!!!" But he didn't understand that we never clean off the tables unless the manager yells at us; which he usually does every hour: He yells, "
83  Trip to the Pumpkin PatchsherryDone2211/7/2005
    Soon they were all covered with red raspberry juice. When the first group saw them, they gasped "What big pumpkins!" They must weigh at least 100 pounds!
82  test2gregDone249/16/2015
     There's no title, no subject...How would I begin to know what you mean?
81  Going Into Space IIgregDone2110/28/2005
    It's a little late to change course! The asteroid is too big. In less than one minute we would look out the window and see whether we can make the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs. It's very hard to do. But you would know that being the seasoned astronaut that you are.
80  Taking Computer ClassbettyDone2010/27/2005
    Indoor plumbing? Well, they sure didn't have any computers, because who knows what germs are lurking on the keyboard left over from the last class?!!
79  Cooking Show IIgregDone219/27/2005
    This is so versatile, you can even use it to shell hard-boiled eggs. Let me demonstrate, Kent."
78  Potty Training the TwinsbettyDone219/24/2005
    The quickest thing I could do was put them into a big cardboard box. If I hurried, I could get to Warehouse Store and buy another 1000 diapers before they go to college!
77  Noisy NeighborsbonnieDone219/23/2005
     Every time I hear it, I am ready to go up there and ask them if they could please take off their concrete shoes when they're walking around upstairs! That's the only explanation for why we were stupid enough to move into this neighborhood. We much have been too noisy ourselves because the neighbors called up and said, "
76  Driving Across CountrybettyDone229/16/2005
    That way we can glide more easily into the gulch, where we will be protected from the oncoming onslaught of tornadoes.
75  NASCAR DaysgregDone219/9/2005
     You have to be able to think on your feet! Look at what's at stake, for crying out loud! People's lives are at stake! If you blow a tire and hit the fence, you know what could happen: spontaneous decapitation. So it would be better to replace the little Honda engine that sounds like a lawnmower with a Chevy big block, which was just delivered by Jeff Gordon himself!
74  Conserving WaterbonnieDone229/9/2005
    You don't need to flush the toilet every time you use it. Flush it only when you go number two. Or if it's really raining, then you better run out with every bowl or bucket you have. It may be your only chance to go to the bathroom before we do our one and only daily flush.
73  The Best Diet Ever!sherryDone218/31/2005
     Here, take this tape measure and see what your KNEES look like! Now that's what I call slim! Next thing you know, you'll be able to actually see your toes instead of your belly and put your wedding ring on without using petroleum jelly!
72  What a Yard Sale!bettyDone208/23/2005
    When I opened the can of worms it really did turn out to be a can of rattlesnake eggs. You know the old joke. It rattles. There's a warning label. You give it to somebody, and when they open it, 20 bullfrogs will jump out!
71  Test PilotgregDone218/17/2005
     OH NO! We would look out to the horizon and see all our parachutes flying out the window!
70  A Day in the Life of a DorksherryDone218/14/2005
     I asked. "I'm only doing that today," he answered, "tomorrow I'm going to upgrade my PDA to have 256 MB of RAM! she said, "I just can't relax unless I know that you have other clothes to wear besides one bearing logos and movie quips from Star Wars, Star Trek, Tron and Hackers, I'll never go out with you!"
69  Time for a Checkup!bonnieDone218/3/2005
     "Surely you don't mean for me to wear the hideous hospital gown in public, do you?!! Man! I would look like a model off the cover of one of those muscle man magazines!! If I did, then I could REALLY feel my heart pounding! I knew I had to get out of there, and the only way to do it was to amputate from above the knee.
68  Building My New Cat CondobettyDone217/10/2005
    And I had a coupon for $1 off so he had to give me 11 cents back. Muhahaha! They'll never figure it out! They'll see little toy mice dangling from the penthouse roof.
67  Putting Up WallpapergregDone216/12/2005
    my mouth tasted like wallpaper paste. I started to wonder if licking the backing was really the correct way to do this.
66  My Newest Home Improvement Project!bettyDone205/17/2005
    I would rather have a masonry bit shoved up my butt than have to use these crappy tools again! Come on, we're almost finished!
65  Phone CallbonnieDone215/9/2005
     "Wait! Don't hang up! I want to be sure I got it. Just hold on a second while I answer my cell phone........oh, and now there goes my beeper!
64  Airline PilotgregDone214/23/2005
    So I adjusted the seat. Then it felt much better. Reaching for the throw-up bag would be a good idea. Quickly, there is no time to waste! In a few seconds I will be unconscious from the lack of cabin pressure! I have to act quickly.
63  I'm Not In It For The...bonnieDone214/6/2005
     I'm not in it for the crust, I'm in it for the long haul. Because quitters never win, and winners never quit. And I'm a winner! I'm also a plumber and I really like going under people's houses. You can find some strange things, like one time I found a fly in my soup so I killed the whole town.
62  Hosting a Cooking ShowbettyDone214/12/2005
    For this I prefer to use a non-stick pan, as opposed to a stick pan. I'll hold these two examples up so you can see the difference. (Crowd goes "Ooooh!) Also, I prefer to use a plastic spatula, as opposed to eating what you fix right in front of the audience.
61  Ain't It Cool?gregDone224/7/2005
    I'll tell ya; it's VERY COOL. How cool is that?" I'll tell ya; it's VERY COOL. Because people will notice and say "He's all about style!
60  Competing with Starbuck'sbonnieDone214/2/2005
    She smiled and said "Don't use that cream for your coffee, because I think it is time to switch to decaf!" She then quit, and got a job at the Farmer's Market selling vegetables. She was amazed, and relieved to know that her laxative would start working any minute now. She smiled and said "Don't use that cream for your coffee, because I think it is time to switch to decaf!"
59  My First Ocean CruisebettyDone213/28/2005
     I think I should sit out the next one and work out a new lodging arrangement. and chuckled nervously. Our best course of action was to put on life jackets right away and line up next to the lady in the fancy hat.
58  Captain UnderpantsgregDone213/23/2005
     They were all dressed in furs and diamonds, tuxedos and tails, and they all looked at each other with wonder, mingled with disgust. "I can't believe you just wet your pants! Now they are going to freeze while you walk, and soon you won't be able to have a bowel movement because you'll be so constipated!
57  New Year's Resolutions!bonnieDone213/18/2005
     Whew! Now I won't be embarrassed if I get in a car accident! That brings me to my next resolution: Not to get in any speed traps and not to get in any arguments with a stern eye and haughty sniff, my personal trainer turned to pick up the equipment for the next round of cow-tipping.
56  Saturday Morning's Cartoon MarathonbettyDone213/13/2005
    All your base are belong to us, make your time!" Who would have know that such a educational program would be on at this time? It taught geography, history, economics, as well as Bazooka Bubble Gum and Reese's Pieces.
55  Spy Base AlphagregDone213/8/2005
    It is a liberating feeling: not having to carry a wallet. Remember how heavy those wallets and purses used to get? Sometimes they seemed to weigh as much as bowling balls! Even though he was a very strong man, he wasn't strong enough to defeat Herr Kapitan in hand-to-hand combat.
54  Texas WinterbonnieDone203/3/2005
     It was just too hot. So I always made sure to provide plenty of suntan lotion when we go to the beach every Saturday.
53  Christmas Shopping - 2004bettyDone202/26/2005
     We knew we had to max out our credit cards immediately. That would not be too hard, since I'd already decided what to get for everyone. So I got out my list and crossed everything off. "Everyone's getting Jolly Ranchers this year!" I laughed maniacally as I headed for Costco and their 750-count, 10 pound bag.
52  Modeling AgencygregDone212/21/2005
     That may seem like a strange question, but would you mind if I applied just a bit more hair gel?
51  All I Need Is...bonnieDone212/16/2005
    To see a good selection I think I will have to go to the baths, and have a good soak. After that I should feel really blessed and just happy to be alive.
50  My Summer at the Archeological DigbettyDone212/11/2005
    There was a long, tense silence, until finally someone said, "Well, I'm hungry. Who's up for some Mickie D's?"
49  Shopping at Lowe'sgregDone202/6/2005
    I need one so bad that I can't wait any longer for someone to help me! I'm going to climb up to the top shelf and get one myself! With that, I checked that no one was looking and threw my M&M's wrapper into the display toilet. But just as I turned around a man in a green overall quickly began to fall!
48  Anorexia TherapybonnieDone212/1/2005
    You can finally eat whatever you please, whenever you please, even if it means you see the number on the scale go up one! It's O.K. Just throw out all your mirrors, and get those Amusement Park ones that make you look fatter than you really are. Then you'll look normal! Or in the children's section!
47  Building My New House!bettyDone231/27/2005
     They loved it! Wet cement reached from their toes all the way up to their knees! Either we're forming a habitat for something other than humans, or someone's gonna have to mow!" We'd been so busy tearing down the neighbors' hedges so we have room to expand.
46  Ultimate Ninja IIgregDone211/22/2005
     Ultimate Ninja II would want everyone to remain respectfully quiet. Each fully dressed fighter was armed with daggers, leather lashers, and 4 or 5 weapons...per hand!
45  Election Day!bettyDone211/17/2005
     Then John Edwards told him, "It would really be to your advantage to settle on one candidate, especially the one who wanted to lower taxes and advocated more refreshments for the people who went to the trouble to come out to vote! We should have plenty of coffee and doughnuts to show our appreciation for all the free handguns being handed out at the NRA rally!"
44  A Day in the Life of...bonnieDone201/12/2005
     Before most of us even had a chance to warm up and get going, one of the scouts was back with fantastic news.
43  High School CarwashgregDone201/7/2005
    Those girls are wearing bikinis! Go back! Go back!!" and waved the water hose in a circle over his head, splashing water on everyone nearby, including customers, classmates, and the whole board of supervisors joined in to hold hands, circle around, and sang Ring Around the Rosy.
42  Pushed Over the EdgebonnieDone211/2/2005
    This caused him to emit a strange growl-like sound from the base of his throat. Disturbed, I asked him, " What blood type are you? You know I think I can analyze your problem.
41  Cleaning Out the GaragebettyDone2112/28/2004
     Never mind scoop it up and throw it into the dumpster parked on the side of the house. We had rented it for just this purpose. Waste Management was going to come get it at the end of the week.
40  HULK SMASH!gregDone2012/23/2004
    We pressed our backs against the wall, trying to hide in the shadow of the titanic Doom-Bot, which Dr.
39  Joining the PTAbonnieDone2012/18/2004
     Next on the agenda was the Annual Potholder Fair, held every year, where the parents had a potholder-making contest, the winner being presented a trio of woven friendship bracelets.
38  Going to the County FairbettyDone2012/13/2004
     I know it will be a blue ribbon winner. Look at that flaky crust! Look at those plump chunks of meat on that carcass.
37  News at 11gregDone2012/8/2004
    Stop the presses!!" The editor asked, "What's the matter?" "Can't you see that the weatherman hasn't arrived yet?!! What are we going to do? We have 10 minutes to play ads until we can find the rest of tonight's tape.
36  Investigating VegetarianismbonnieDone2112/3/2004
    But don't worry. Here comes the bacon cheeseburger cart. And the fudge sundae cart behind that.
35  Boppy's Trip to TexasbettyDone2111/28/2004
    Mix it up real good, and boom! You have home-made napalm. I love the smell of cedar. You can just sit in the shade of the trees and enjoy the breeze and listen to the crunching of the tacos, the sloshing of the margaritas, and the sizzling of the fajitas.
34  Dance ClassbonnieDone2111/23/2004
     Ready to dance? First lift your right leg and touch your toes on the edge of the piano. We were lucky enough to have live piano music to dance to. Which makes sense, actually, because the piano player had sprained his ankle and couldn't show up.
33  The Minotaur KinggregDone2111/18/2004
     It wasn't easy I can tell you. I pursed my lips and grimaced and I then proceeded to back up. I just knew if I could get a running start I could make that jump. Mentally focused, and calling on all my leg muscles, I sprang up to the edge of the pit and was able to pull myself out before the avalanche of rocks smashed into where'd I'd been moments before.
32  The Bizarre BazaarbonnieDone2011/13/2004
    And then I saw it: THE most tacky lamp I have ever seen! Of course I had to buy it! It would be the perfect gift for my pet gila monster, Scalie.
31  My Trip Around the WorldbettyDone2111/8/2004
    The lead one proclaimed, "You have trespassed on holy ground, infidel, now you will put on your scuba gear because we are going underwater. We will swim to that shark cage, get in, lock the gate, and wait anxiously for nightfall. I'm exhausted!"
30  Downtown PrecinctgregDone2211/3/2004
    someone yelled, "have you seen those platinum handcuffs that were in the display case?!! They're missing!
29  Growing Up on a FarmbettyDone2110/29/2004
     Don't worry, it builds the immune system. Although they change with the seasons, there are always chores to do inside and out. day. First I started washing the windows. That took a while.
28  The Dinosaur WorldbonnieDone2110/24/2004
     It was getting scarier by the minute, so we decided to resign ourselves to our fate. Surrounded, it was only a matter of time before we got turned into dino-hors d'ouevres. We sat down and caught our breath. "We need to find some water," I said. "It's so humid and hot here.
27  Gardening with BettygregDone2010/19/2004
    If you see one of these, pull it up! It's a weed. So stomp on it!
26  On the Open RoadbonnieDone2110/14/2004
     Now she was getting mad because he wasn't answering her. He knew she was mad because she turned into a werewolf! Shreds of clothing flew away, revealing dark brown fur beneath. She scrambled out of the car as soon as she regained consciousness enough to realize she was IN A CAR!
25  The International VillagebonnieDone2110/9/2004
    Muscles rippled under the skin with even the slightest movement. she said with a resounding contralto. "We have a very serious problem the trucking company just delivered 500 pounds of pork chops to the Jewish banquet hall.
24  Weekend in ParisgregDone2110/4/2004
     How can they taste all the gourmet food when there's body odor attempting to hide under copious perfume everywhere you turn?
23  Xander Goes ShoppingbettyDone229/29/2004
     "Oh well," I said, "Who wants those old toys made in China anyway? I think Ethan and I can make better toys on our own. Hey, maybe we could have our own TOY factory! We could invent new ones! And we could sell some of them to the President of the Unites States!
22  Fart DictionarybonnieDone219/24/2004
     "You have sissy farts! You are a sissy! You are a sissy!"
21  Boot CampgregDone219/19/2004
    Sometimes I did anyway, and I paid sorely for it. Soon I had a cold, and I had to think long and hard if I should keep going out in the cold rain with no boots on.
20  Good Old Pop's Drive-inbettyDone219/14/2004
    Nervously, I looked up at him to see the whole congregation of Lighthouse Worship Center walk through the door right behind him.
19  Going Back to CollegebettyDone219/9/2004
     Grates in the walls below admitted narrow beams of sunlight. I could see that there were old professors lying around everywhere. Some were nibbling jelly doughnuts and drinking coffee; some perusing the Wall Street Journal, and some were just livid that tuition had gone up again.
18  If You Give a Mouse a CookiebonnieDone219/4/2004
    Dad said, "There's enough borax here to kill an elephant, or at least a raisin or a chocolate chip. But there was no food left to be found, not even a bagel crumb, or a mashed pea, not even an infinitesimal speck of dust on my floors!" And if you let him sweep, then he'll want to shake the rugs outside.
17  Our Summer VacationbettyDone218/30/2004
     And to do that we need some sunscreen lotion, beach towels, and volleyballs, and of course food. Don't forget the food." So we hightailed it to the rest area so we could throw up. What a relief!
16  Trapped in a MinegregDone218/25/2004
     Hey maybe this will work out after all! So he took one stick, and he cut it into one inch pieces and used them to start a fire.
14  Our Visit to the LibrarybonnieDone218/15/2004
     "Stay still and don't move a muscle. The sniper has a laser scope focused right on your forehead."
13  Stress Reduction TechniquesbonnieDone238/10/2004
     If you're interested in relieving the stress level in your day-to-day life, the first thing to notice is your environment.
12  My New Job at Burger KingbettyDone208/5/2004
     I"m the new cook at Burger King! I get to get up way early and open. I get to spread big slabs of lard on the grill, before I start frying the sausage. All the customers just love the big hot greasy patties served with generous chunks of meat. What kind of meat? No one knew! It was stored in the ice cabinet marked "meat", right next to the fry basket in hot oil!
11  Cooking with GrandmabettyDone227/31/2004
    More people should be aware of the benefits of tending a garden and growing your own begetables. Grandma loved the taste of her fresh eggs and milk too. And no one could beat the taste of right-out-of-the-oven freshly baked golden brown teenage girls.
10  Ultimate NinjagregDone227/26/2004
    Oh No! Now what? His weapons were locked in the cabinet and he had lost the key! Too bad. Well he would just have to use his fisticuff expertise. He stood his ground and watched the arch enemy spin and shrivel, whirling ever faster, ever smaller, energy bursts zinging out into the air until all the life force and all the mass had moved to the back of his neck.
 Wall Street BluesgregDone227/16/2004
     However as soon as their buys went through, the Commissioner announced, " Batman. Batman! Will somebody please tell me what kind of world we're living in when a man cannot turn a dollar into a million, or turn a Euro into a big fat wallet.
 Going into SpacebettyDone217/11/2004
     Who would have believed that we, untrained as astronauts, could really take a trip to the hobby store, to see what the biggest rocket motor available was. Unfortunately, they were disappointed to find no atmosphere!
 Ye Olde Medieval DaysbettyDone217/1/2004
    He strode in purposely, a roast beef hoagie in one hand, and a salami grinder in the other. "So," Count Muenster declared, "We have thee to thank for these delightful victuals."
 Barrister the Lawyer CatbettyDone216/26/2004
    Moments later the city came under attack by the whole host of jurors. Pandemonium ensued in the courtroom! The judge escaped deep scratches by hiding under his desk. Miss Na Tasha was into heavy spitting, and Barrister had to resort to using a bowl of Grape-Nuts for a litterbox. Next, he pled for mercy before the court.
 The Big ConundrumbettyDone216/21/2004
     On some he saw expectation, on others he saw apprehension. But on one particular face he saw himself! The similarity was remarkable! The eyes, the nose, even the way he parted his hair. He waved at him, and yelled, "Where did you graduate from?
 Woo baby!gregDone216/16/2004
    His Dodge Viper showed no signs of complaint, as it began to thunder and rain heavily; so much so that the roof began to lift off from the extreme high pressure inside the house. As soon as it did, however, all the walls were teeming with cockroaches, crawling over each other, a sea of movement, all headed helter-skelter for the comic book shop, because the lateezt issue of THE INCREDIBLE HULK was out!!
 Big ComputergregDone186/11/2004
    Being only 10 battles away from finishing another campaign, he was anxious to see which orb he would get next. So immediately he began to jump up and down and sing "Yankee Doodle." Everyone was so inspired by his shameless act of pariotism, they stood up and applauded with great gusto, knowing full well that as soon as they sat back down, they would know that this was the end of the world as they knew it.