Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022     Boil em, mash em, stick inna stew! The pleasant earthy smell of po-tay-toes! Boil em, mash em, stick inna stew! We landed right in a big pile of dry leaves! The pleasant earthy smell of po-tay-toes! Boil em, mash em, stick inna stew! Where did we land? 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021      Get those steaks ready!! He was always generous with sprinkling the garlic salt, but he was very careful with the bottle of 1931 Sauvignon Blanc from France. This bottle had survived bombing runs, train rides, baggage valets handing it off from country to country, until it finally reached 2021. 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021     But just as I was ready to give up, around the corner came Santa Claus! He had an entourage of elves all singing "Here comes Santa Claus! Here comes Santa Claus!!" Much to my surprise, he was driving a golf cart outfitted with giant boom boxes. 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020     It sounds like burping...could it be from that big Christmas dinner?? I am still investigating that turn of events. The most suspicious aspect of the whole thing was how many armed guards we saw. 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020     Dang them straight to heck. But anyway, that's okay because we'll fry it later. 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019      This is a private beach. No one invited you to this quilting meeting. Scram." The old ladies chuckled, ash sprinkling from the tips of their cigars. It is difficult to imagine that a gathering of seated elderly ladies could be intimidating, but their deadly stares and seasoned hands put my blood on ice. 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019      Yes! Believe it or not, there I was sitting on the brick patio unwrapping 20 old hard candies I found in the garage and scooping them out of the wrappers because they were soft...yuk, but I wanted the ants to have a big treat. 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     We started foraging for firewood, and before long have a nice, big pile. Now we just needed to get it started, but none of us had a lighter or matches. Fortunately, Shawn had an idea: Let's put a Slip 'n' Slide in the back yard and have fun, fun, fun! After we install in and hook up the water hose to it, all we have to do then is round the Kiwis up into one place, and nuke them. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019      All that litter scattered everywhere! What messy cats. First I get a shower then wipe down the cats, and as for VoilaLeiya... I am sending her back to the manufacturer! Sending *IT* back. This was the most disappointing robotic vacuum I had ever used. 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019      Yes, it is in my genes to like thunderstorms! My grandfather used to stand in the doorway and watch them as he listened to the roar of the crowd and the empassioned shouting of the MC as the local wrestling favorite, "Thunderstorms", vaulted into the ring. 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019     In advance of your gift-wrapping day, make a list of who gave what so I could send them a thank you note. 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018     woods or open fields? This was the moment the past several weeks had been building up to. woods or open fields? This was the moment of truth. This was the moment the past several weeks had been building up to. woods or open fields? 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018      Searching for a good spot to lasso the lead line, we spotted what appeared to be a very sturdy Viking axes protruding out of this rocky hillside. They were not even rusty! We tried and tried to pull them out, but we had woven that basket so tightly, they were firmly stuck. The only solution we could think of was to cut the rope to the anchor so we could drift away from the whirlpool...hopefully. 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018     I'm going to sweep all the possum poop out of the garage and give it to someone who would appreciate it. It makes the most sense, considering how much mildew and mold had accumulated. But how to get rid of it? !! I think the best remedy would be to spray a powerful broad spectrum commercial mold remover and disinfectant. 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018      I could take care of all the litter in the median! And I could become friends with all the nice men in the cute orange jumpsuits who were already out there in the wild blue yonder. Anyway I also thought Bill Miller's Barbecue might be a good place to work. 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018      Especially when finding it where you least expect to find a skunk baby. Ohhh, poor little thing! All alone! All it needs is a nice sunny spot and some rain now and then! 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018      Nor should you neglect to shine a flashlight into all the dark corners. A clean, clear smell of fresh mouse urine....ahhhh! Milo must be nearby! Maybe he is resting in a soft bowl of potpourri to freshen the air. Now all that's required to make everything perfect is celebrate good times, come on! 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017      I mean there were a lot of people here, and it looked as if every single one of them had brought their A-game. They were unbeatable. They were everywhere at once. As soon as any player was in the least bit of jeopardy, he would take the ball and throw it out the dorm window onto the crowd of new freshmen coming in.They started yelling and running toward the gym. 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017      The winner would be able to do it with the least amount of elbow grease....and what a relief that was! Because who wants a elbow smothered in 100% maple syrup that was imported from Vermont. "Vermont?!" Betty exclaimed. "That's yankee territory! 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017     It's 80s music everywhere! It reminds of all the times that I ever wanted more in my whole life. Surely someone would figure out that what I really wanted was a simple joy. 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017      DELICIOUS! MMMM! DELICIOUS! We finally decided to DIG IN! MMMM! DELICIOUS! I've been waiting for at least 60 minutes we were in a quandary of what to do... We finally decided to DIG IN! MMMM! DELICIOUS! I'm starving!!! I've been waiting for at least 60 minutes we were in a quandary of what to do... 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016     I put it into the same category as washing the dog: every day is overkill, but waiting a month is too long." We could probably agree it's the same with grocery shopping: Don't shop when you are hungry! Because if you are hungry, you will probably end up getting frustrated. 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016      Do I need to attend a focus group? And if I did, who would be there? Well, obviously Buzz, Moocher, Ace, The Kid, and Big Toot will be there. Other than that, who would be there? Maybe some hopeful whiners and a few frowning judges. It's always a boost to the self-confidence when the person in charge starts ranting and raving, maybe someone needs to pour on his head a bucket of vomit! 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016     Late into the night, the whole hall could the CLANG CLANG CLANG, the sound of rat-a-tat-tat, rat-a-tat-tat. Where was that coming from? 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016     He looked at me like I was an idiot. he said as we sped toward the marina. When we got there, a huge fog bank rolled in, and it looked really scary, so we waited until the sun went down. 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016      "It's not real!" I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. she said gravely, "It is real." Irritated, I told her to quit telling me that the Stump Vine exists. "It's not real!" I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016      Everything is washed, dried, and hung on hangers!Woohoo ! There will be no danger of wearing dirty clothes again! Everything is washed, dried, and hung on hangers!Woohoo ! The 5 colors I picked were black, navy blue, charcoal gray, gray, and maroon. 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016      "This is fantastic!" I said, "I could sell this for $50,000 and send Ethan to William and Mary Law School! Even Donald Trump would want to own this... I will call him right away and say." 3 large pizzas with pepperoni, red peppers, mushrooms, and plenty of carrots and pieces of coal to make the snowmen's faces. 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     But, they were so hungry that they did not have enough cash to pay for the purchases at Costco, so they emptied all their pockets and ended up with the dollar amount of $ 4, payable in two Thomas Jefferson bills. 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      Twenty feet below, I could see the dim sparkle of my diamond watch which had slipped off my wrist. Now what?! I gingerly circumnavigated the sharp rocks and came upon an enormous double cheeseburger. 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016      I was ready to start my new life! Confronted with a mob of irritated neighbors, I ran back into the house and packed! I was ready to start my new life! Perfectly pressed and tailored, it did wonders for my mood, and I felt so happy and confident, I called up all my friends and invited them over for a little thing we like to call an "Intervention." 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015      Yes I decided to do it: every night I would get out a different catalog, open up the turned-down pages, and proceed to checkout when you're finished. And you can do it all in 10 minutes tops....unless of course you have to register with Click and Pay which takes forever. 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015     I pulled the lever and it started slowly turning. I had to wait about two weeks. Then, once I found my shovel and a bucket, it was time to start to start bagging up the compost to sell at our roadside stand.Per bag, the price would start at $159.00 Some may say that's high, but it's worth it because good compost does not stink ! 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015     They must have come from the bottom of the fridge, behind puddles of spilled condiments and half-rotted vegetables. The odor of it all made me swell with joy. Smiling, eyes closed, I took a little taste....yum...How delightful. Spicy, meaty, and with a little hint of mint! 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015      Bake it in an oven with the oven door slightly open so any extra heat can escape into the cargo bay!" But the skydive instructor wouldn't relent. he yelled over the noise of the plane's engines. "Now get ready for the fall!" He roughly shoved me toward the edge of the precipice. 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015     Or DC Talk Redux." He switched to listening to Peter Furler Band instead and went to put some more shrimp on the barbie, then played footy with his mates until they got attacked by a pack of rabid dingoes. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     Unexpectedly, the plants were hit with a terrible blight which quickly made them perk up. I was satisfied with that, so then I sprayed the tomatoes with a solution to kill the blight. 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     Don't be surprised if you find yourself by asking hard questions, not taking anything at face value, exposing yourself to new experiences, and at every opportunity, enjoying a big bowl of homemade potato salad. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015      Yeah like that new Alpha Betty game, it is not exactly fun and reminds me of HAL, the creepy computer in that science fiction movie. Like the time when he says, "I'm sorry but your son-in-law has cancelled your phone service. 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     Panicking, I slept. Zzzzzzz Garfield was asleep again. Odie was just staring at him and then he decided to wash & polish his motorcycle and get it all ready to take to Texas ! It was going to be a whirlwind adventure, scenic, and of course buying lots of tickets: to the movies, to the amusement park, and to go to the back of the bus where you can be alone so you can read your fortune cookie! 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015     Then we'll get a PS4. and sure enough, an F5 tornado appeared out of nowhere and destroyed the whole town and everyone in it, including us. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     That was the last straw! I needed to go to the store to buy more straws to build my custom-crafted trellis. Grabbing my car keys, I hurried up to Lowe's to buy some mulch. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015      Then I added multi-colored sprinkles and a few well-placed dabs of icing. 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     It could also be caused by heavy and drenching downpours of rain which then froze over the entire Rock when the temperature suddenly dropped. 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015     I got my autograph book ready, and waited and waited and waited. I got so sleepy that I put my head on the edge of the elevator shaft. It's hazardous to do that because the TSA might take you aside and frisk you! 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015     He then carried the stack of folders over to the table and spread out the construction paper, blunt scissors, glitter, and glue. 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     They were cheap, but smelled like peppermint cocoa....yum !! I could drink a giant mug of that! And right on top I would squirt a big dollop of mayonnaise. It's good for you! It's Regular Ordinary Swedish meal time flies when you're having fun! 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     Fields said that!" I exclaimed. "OK, now it's your best hope for improving your life. So what do you want? Do you want to take a trip to some exotic tropical island. Hmmm I think this destination would be a good choice: the unemployment line! 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014     What will they do with them? Obviously, they will put them in the refrigerator asap. Chop! Chop! Once they get good and cold, they will be ready for pickup! You will recognize the delivery personnel by their red noses so cold and dripping with molasses. Or was it maple syrup? 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014      Blind and coughing, I flailed around, reaching for the plunger, I gritted my teeth, closed my eyes, and put all my strength into crushing the walnuts with my bare hands.... 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014     I called 911 and guess who answered! = Some guy in an elf costume! "HaHa! That's great!" I said, " Now I know my electric bill will go up!" I was kidding of course, but I knew now the county would surely waive the rule about no inflatables taller than 40 feet! 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     I can see how that would help, considering I had lost my contact lenses. Down on my hands and knees searching for them I found instead two strange-looking rocks. 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014     CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!" Sheogorath bellowed, solving the mystery of his dazzling appearance. Soon afterwards, the mead hall exploded, fat orange cheese wheels spilling through the shattered wooden walls by the score. "CHEESE! CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!" 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     My wife insisted I was being paranoid, but I had to be absolutely certain that the air conditioner would never break down again. Pack wisely, because the ants and mice can get into any little crevice to eat carefully prepared a series of dangerous, deadly traps leading up to my bathroom. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014     How it had gotten in there. Poop. I wondered how it had gotten in there. How it had gotten in there I'll never know. 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     I yelled. Then some other people also stood up, put their hands over their hearts, and with great gusto, they sang " Should old acquaintance[s] be forgot, and never brought to mind, then I'll never see you again, and that suits me just fine." 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     Seconds ticked by, a minute...two minutes. It teetered in the breeze. Just when the tension was almost too much to bear, the elastic snapped in my sweat pants, and I had to quickly step up the pace. 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013      I thought, "That doesn't sound good for breakfast." For breakfast I would rather have one bar of dark chocolate than ten bars of "The Star-Spangled Banner". Taking a deep breath, I pulled in my stomach, stood on my tip toes and dived into the warm swaying sandworms that erupted from the dunes of Arrakis. 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     To get to level 2 he has to upgrade his shoes; one way to do this is to plod along methodically, but some people work better after they have cleansed their systems with special vegetarian drinks made with pureed kale. But you couldn't tell because your pants are on fire! 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     Peter picked a peck of pickled quail eggs. The secret to winning the eating contest is, before the start bell sounds, separate out all the smallest lambs to put into the new Minecraft corral handily built by none other than Jack! 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     It looked like a gigantic tortoise, heaving up out of the earth. Strange as this was, it only got weirder as relatively small automobiles started spilling out of its mouth. Unfazed, I looked down at my watch, and realized it was time for buying a new gas-guzzling SUV. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013      A moment later, all hell broke loose as she screamed, "WHAT IS THAT??" "What?" I said. 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     "How much for a deep fat fryer big enough for a turkey?? We don't have time to cook it in the oven!!" He replied, "It would cost a bazillion dollars to cater Thanksgiving dinner to the whole town! 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     Now how did those get in here? Well, they were in the way so I moved them next to my collection of Bunsen burners, candles, and fireworks. Next I got out the shop vac to try to scoop up that big puddle of spit on the desk where I apparently had passed out from exhaustion. 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012     We couldn't see a thing. The darkness was so complete it was like a solid thing--a suffocating blanket of oblivion that clung to our faces and enveloped us in its lifeless embrace. After 30 seconds (which seems like an eternity, given that we could still hear it breathing), we finally found our car in the parking lot after looking for 2 hours !! 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011      To begin with you need a plan and some money for new shelves. Not just any shelves, but the kind that are made of old rotten athletic shoes. I had dozens of them, piled everywhere! 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011     On the way out, I accidentally tipped over the trash can and out spilled a whole bunch of jelly beans, which inexplicably caused an entomological cavalcade of roaches to march onto the counter. 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010      It was a quiet, bright morning in Uptown Suburbia, USA. I went outside to water my plants, when suddenly I heard the deep guttural voice of a zombie! 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     As a male, I know how to get things done. And the first thing to do is play a few missions in City Of Heroes just to get your blood flowing. 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009      Most people who encounter the brown hat will never be affected by the hat's presence. However, for the select few who are touched by the brown hat, their lives will never be the same. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     Within moments they were fast asleep, and I was able to turn flips so fast that we could not keep our eyes focused; nor could we show our face in Chuck E. 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008     Later the doctor decided to play some soothing music for his patients. i 2 Eye", by Michael W. Smith. Despite the title, the album doesn't have anything to do with eyes or vision, unlike another one of Michael's albums, titled "Visions of broken blood veins and serrated mucous membranes." 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007     What a revolting development! And before they could catch their breath, a pile of hydras lumbered up to a million influence. 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007     In that game you'd start out in the sewers killing rats with your bare hands, then after reaching your first level, you would start hanging pictures, nice and straight. 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007     It was just past the crack of dawn when I noticed a bunch of slimy slugs eating away at my petunias. So I poured on them some high powered weed killer. I looked like I was wearing HAZMAT gear, but that stuff is dangerous. 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007     No geek worth his salt would be caught dead without that telltale orange tint on his fingertips. mixed with cables, network cards, and little plastic bags of ICs of every conceivable kind. It was the worst jumble of all, so I hid under the table and waited patiently. 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006     I didn't want to argue, so I pretended to be listening to Bill O'Reilly on the radio. Too bad I didn't know that I was in the company of a red diaper doper baby who believed in God, who was the only one who could save him now! 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006      Or he could always try to throw up in the bedpan. Why don't the nurses ever come when you need them? Maybe it's because they accidentily stitched him up with tools still inside his abdominal cavity! It wouldn't have been the first time. They quietly ordered an X-ray of his brain, completely unsure what the bulge was. 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     I ain't had nuthin' to eat but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days! Why can't we have more toilet paper in here? Those rolls go down in a hurry, especially when all the managers flock around me like buzzards! Go away! I can't concentrate." 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006      I gathered up a few and put them in my pocket so I could give them to the police officer when he hauled me in for questioning before being charged with trespassing. I had no choice but to sit down on the grass and start scraping the dog poop off my shoes. 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006     If you mispronounce something you could really offend somebody by saying something you didn't intend. and you accent the positive and reject the negative, and everything will always look better when you roll your R's, you sound right Scottish. 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006      I could hear the sound of sleigh bells coming from the roof! Could it be? Would I really get to see Santa Claus??? We rushed to the roof and searched for hoofprints in the snow, but all we found were stale, broken gingerbread cookies from last year. 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005     I promise to stay out of your way, and believe me, you'll never know that I used a degreazor! It looks brand new! It's so sparkly, it must be alive! I wondered what would happen if I touched it, so I did. 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005     That restless sound soon reached the top balcony, where our VIP seats were. We could see the entire auditorium from here, as well as mink coats, diamond tiaras, and fancy tuxedos trimmed with mistletoe and holly. 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005     Quickly I reached over and jerked the ripcord, and my parachute cmae hurtling out just in time! I landed hard on the bridge, got up and sat right back down because a big wad of bubble gum was stuck to the helmet of the commie soldier. 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005      What else could happen?!! Right away we started looking for a ribbon to put on the ribbon and I was good to go! The only thing that was still bugging me was what to get for the person on my list that was the hardest to buy for: my loud and noxious neighbor. 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005     I'm the shizzle for my nizzle. And you know you're not allowed to eat mistakes! Put that in the waste bucket!" Reluctantly, I placed the tomato heels and limp lettuce on each one of the cash registers. 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005     That was more than enough to make some pumplin pie. We made enough for 50 people! 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015     I might be spotted by the next agency of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. I stepped through the door and fell through a hole in the floor! I landed in a mud puddle. It brought back memories of days gone by, back when men were men and women were not to be trusted with power tools. 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005     We landed on the dark side of the moon and off in the distance we could hear weird music, so we decided to go to light speed! 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005     Well, they sure didn't have any computers, because who knows what germs are lurking on the keyboard left over from the last class?!! 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     Next, chop the garlic into tiny bits at least small enough to fit into a cupcake holder! You should decorate it with a little truffle trifle." "Eww!" I exclaimed. "Truffles smell like sweaty gym socks. They also will alleviate constipation, especially for people who eat a lot of pasta! 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005      Smelly! And the Welcome Wagon ladies were already coming up my front steps! The quickest thing I could do was put them into a big cardboard box. If I hurried, I could get to Warehouse Store and buy another 1000 diapers before they go to college! So don't worry, everybody poops, more or less, and it all works out in the end. 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005      I think they're even open at this time: your mouth! It needs to be CLOSED at this time!!" 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005     Because I say, if you're not going to spend enough money on a motel room, you will end up staying in a dump, probably infested with carpetbaggers. That's why we always try to stay in a motel with a good lock on the bathroom door! All the monounsaturated oil made it count! Because I say, if you're not going to spend enough money on a motel room, you will end up staying in a dump, probably infested with carpetbaggers. 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005      Look at what's at stake, for crying out loud! People's lives are at stake! If you blow a tire and hit the fence, you know what could happen: spontaneous decapitation. 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005     Mmm... What! It's a mirage! It's actually a water-saving toilet, and it cost much more than I could afford. In fact it cost a dollar. The cigarette lighter cost a dollar. The foil pinwheel toy cost a dollar. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005      Everything else had failed...THIS was the one! and 250 lbs, could best be described as high fat, high sodium, and high sugar. Could this be a misprint?!! Just to be sure I put my glasses on and then I could see my feet! "Hello, toes! Haven't seen you in so long!" 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005      Soon the hordes would be here. I was a little nervous, because this was my very first yard sale. I ate a quick breakfast of hot lava. We had the yard sale near an active volcano and called it a firesale. 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005      Now the fun begins! The co-pilot thought I was kidding, but far be it from me to let him know what was *really* going on. 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005     On the way out I could feel everyone's eyes on me, and I thought, "That's right ladies, you know you want a year's supply of ball point pens and above all a year's supply of comic books. 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005     Well, I didn't see what the big deal was. After all, I was healthy as a horse! Why, just the other day I thought I felt a lump there, so it's a relief to find out that the rash would only last for a few more weeks and would clear up once I started eating more liver and spinach, as prescribed by the doctor. 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005      First I went to Lowe's and bought some 2x4's, big plastic tubes, plywood, and carpet remnants. And to take pictures of the project from start to finish, I bought a disposable cardboard toilet paper roll. 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005     It pays to set aside enough time to complete the job; otherwise, you are left with wallpaper paraphernalia strewn across the house for the next four months. 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005      It must have been 30 feet into the air. We were all standing around when the septic tank pumper truck pulled up. "I understand you need a staple gun to finish that project. 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005      "Hop in and tell me where you want to go. I am your free taxi service today! But if you feel you must, you can just give me a chance! I'll be the best Space Marine you've ever seen, I promise! Now please repeat your name very slowly. 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005      And it seemed to be getting closer! It might just be a squadron of Zentraedi fighters, looking for easy human prey! They're in for a big surprise because our landing wheels won't come down. I think we are going to have a very bumpy landing! 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005      Fluff up our pillows! Don't you know who we are? a SHRUBBERY! Or else you will regret it!" So I said, "Honey, I'm not in it for the lettuce! I'm in it for the quality time and cultural enlightenment. 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005     Next, add 12 ounces of diced beef. For this I prefer to use a non-stick pan, as opposed to a stick pan. I'll hold these two examples up so you can see the difference. (Crowd goes "Ooooh!) Also, I prefer to use a plastic spatula, as opposed to eating what you fix right in front of the audience. 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005      I drove up in my new car. I screeched to a halt, jumped out, and exclaimed to my friends, "Ain't it cool? I got it for 10 cents at the thrift store! Why would anyone want to eat eel? It is just gross to think about: Imagine those slimy, writhing creatures on a plate of lead-free pewter. 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005     With that, she turned around and punched her in the face as hard as she could. She flipped right over the counter! One shoe came off and smacked a customer in the face! 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005      I had lost my third game of shuffleboard! What to do? I think I should sit out the next one and work out a new lodging arrangement. 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005     Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time! But there wasn't time to even think! My face was reddening by the second. Before much longer I would surely be able to flush it all down with this high-flow toilet! I pushed the lever and water erupted from the white platform. 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005      We must improve our health! So we're focusing on diet, exercise, stress management and decluttering of house, home, and mind. A big job, but somebody's got to do it, and it might as well be YOU! 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005      We could not wait to buy some, so we headed toward the fridge. "What's the deal with all the psychedelic colors?" She replied, "They did a study and found that children as young as 14 months would show a preference for brands they had seen advertised on TV!" 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005      I'm an agent. A secret agent. A spy, to be precise. My headquarters is Spy Base Alpha, and from here we have access to all communications satellites, private and government-owned foreign and domestic. 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005      We're here to relax! Those beach balls are just too big! The pool isn't big enough ! 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005     So I got out my list and crossed everything off. "Everyone's getting Jolly Ranchers this year!" I laughed maniacally as I headed for Costco and their 750-count, 10 pound bag. Once I got there I grabbed a seat an collapsed. How weary I felt! It was as if I had no limit on my credit cards! 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005      Blue lips are not sexy!" Can't you see that it is too cold in here for a swimsuit shoot! Blue lips are not sexy!" Why do I have to wear that hideous dress? Can't you see that it is too cold in here for a swimsuit shoot! 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005     I thought to myself, "THAT'S what I need -- a whole bottle of sleeping pills! 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005      Here, put this one in his pocket!" I considered that, but decided it would be better to just hand it to him and let him put it in his pipe and smoke it. He doesn't deserve half the credit he's getting on this dig, and I intend to catalog every single piece of bone that I can find unlike the other slacker diggers who every day haphazardly would just come along, completely disregarding any scholarly integrity, and REFILL the holes with dirt from various random locations , because we couldn't seem to find a single location that met all our criteria for what we had in mind for the recruitment ad. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005      Actually, you may need TWO carts! In fact, you may find that the selection of 2x4s has way too many knots in it. In which case, you should start over. 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005      It's O.K. Just throw out all your mirrors, and get those Amusement Park ones that make you look fatter than you really are. 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005     That's why I needed an expert carpenter. Once you start getting creative you can envision new shapes for rooms. For instance, how about the shape of an egg? We could use that for the windows, the furniture, and the whole enchilada really did fit on the makeshift picnic table. 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005     Death was the order of the day (I suppose you could call a hamburger and french fries that!) Anyway who cares? Ultimate Ninja II would want everyone to remain respectfully quiet. 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005     I had found this out by trying to push down ALL the little red levers. The volunteer outside the curtain heard all the mechanical sounds and mumbling, and called out to him, "It doesn't work like that! You IDIOT! Where is your voting card? 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005      Before most of us even had a chance to warm up and get going, one of the scouts was back with fantastic news. 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005      Boy, did it stink! It smelled like the driver must be a smoker. Frowning, we decided we could first try vacuuming up all the fragments of dried vomit. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005      Sleep-deprived and caffeinated, her psyche was a dangerous mixture of sluggish reasoning and irritation. 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004      It needs to go to the auto dealership, because if I'm going to be able to park my car in this clean and roomy garage, I'm going to want it to be a new one!" Looking back, it was a job made in hell. That stuff has no life left. 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004     Me dumb. Me stupid. Me go the wrong way on a one-way street. Me knock you into the middle of the walls of the building across the alleyway!" Luckily no one was eating at the time. The smell was horrific. Everyone made a dive for the only door. 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004     All your children will be going to Christian charter schools from now on!" The parents cheered while the teachers groaned. 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004      He turned around, and suddenly, "NINJA!" and the party continued into the wee hours of the morning. Look behind you!" He turned around, and suddenly, "NINJA!" 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004     Bob exclaimed. "It's the best way to sneak up on someone, and then, the instant you know they see you, you shout, 'NINJA!'" 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004     Then they would look at me as if they should treat me with pity and gentleness, like one of the dumb animals they're trying to save. But anyway, they would go on to tell everyone at Burger King that they were being sinfully cruel to the poor cowies, and contaminating themselves with chemicals and hormones and crap. 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     Security measures, you know. So in the spirit of cooperation, we all trooped through the metal detector one by one. When the alarm sounded, the inspector pulled aside a tall glass of iced tea! plate of tamales, burritos, and enchiladas! The only thing this dish is missing is my face. 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004     instead of actually performing a dance. So she tried it, and her classmates didn't know whether to be impressed or amused. Her ability to spin on her toes was phenomenal. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004     I noticed a stream of urine running down the side of the cavern wall. the Minotaur King was relieving himself right above us!" I whispered back, "Now's our chance!" We carefully snuck around until we were right behind him, and with one swift movement, I lunged with my scimitar. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004     At a nearby table, I saw a bright red hula hoop left over from the 50's. 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004      Also I want to swim in the Great Barrier Reef. I am sure when I am there I will see many architectural wonders. I don't know which I like better: Looking from a distance at the whole structure, or up close at the details such as how far we'll have to swim to get to land if our ship sank. 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004      Hmmm. And I probably should wear my gun. I'm nervous about this, you know. The fact that I'm addicted to placebos doesn't make it any easier. 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004     Now that's a country breakfast! L'il Abner (who wasn't very little) was always hungry. He said, "I want some more buttermilk from that churn! And I want some homemade butter and strawberry jelly to put on my overalls." 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004      They had bombs, laser guns, machine guns, and they had a metal box that could change into a jet with a laser gun that could shoot stuff. as if they were fleeing from something. That's when we heard it: birdlike calls, a sound like distant rumbling thunder, and the snapping, cracking sound of large trees falling. 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004      It's a weed. So stomp on it! No, better yet dig it up with a little watering, fertilizing, and TLC, your garden will soon be overflowing with marijuana plants, and then you can make some REAL cashola! Especially if your own son is a pothead!! If you see one of these, pull it up! It's a weed. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004      You know, just like Dorothy said, "There's no place like home." That's when I know it's time to turn around and head for home. You know, just like Dorothy said, "There's no place like home." And every time I get to the bottom, I have this feeling of diarrhea running down my pants leg... 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004     She laughed. "There's nothing better than sitting around the campfire singing in twelve different languages at once!" "There's nothing like knocking the puck around in the light of the midnight sun!" 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004     As we entered the familiar halls of the Louvre, we picked up a museum map and headed for the location of the Mona Lisa. We found her and as we stood gazing at that famous little smile, a gentleman next to us made this comment about her, " 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004      "We must find them! Look the back door is open! Help me Ethan! Let's see if the robbers are still in the parking lot." We dashed out and found them sitting in a puddle of urine. 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004     and you can have it with bacon, eggs, Spam and sausage." "But I don't LIKE Spam!" "That's OK, I've lost my sense of smell. I cannot smell anything. Why anymore, I cannot even smell my own butt since I sat in a bunch of flowers all day!" So we took the flowers and stuck our noses in them in order to hide the poopy smell that was all around us. 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004     See?" He demonstrated, and Private Munchausen said "I like to suffer, and I'm going to make you suffer too. 500 pushups on the double!" Everyone moaned and exclaimed," I don't wanna got to Iraq! 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004      Quickly, I retrieved the wiggling hose and finished cleaning up. Nervously, I looked up at him to see the whole congregation of Lighthouse Worship Center walk through the door right behind him. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004     Max replied. "ALL NIGHT FRAT PARTY!!!!!!!!!!" "Yeah." Max replied. "ALL NIGHT FRAT PARTY!!!!!!!!!!" I looked up at Max and said, "Do you know what this means?" "Yeah." Max replied. "ALL NIGHT FRAT PARTY!!!!!!!!!!" At that, the proctor had a massive heart attack and fell over, dead. 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004      We want CHEESE!! We ain't had nothin' to eat for three stinkin' days but this moldy bread. Yeah, and we need some meats! And to go with that some milk!" And if you give him some milk, he will lap it up very delicately all the while holding his little pinky high in the air. 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004      Then after that you can find a good place to take a shower! Scrub off the slime and grime of a sweaty, dusty day. There's nothing like freshening up after a long wait in the line for the "Vomitous Maximus Tilt-O-Whirl", we finally got to ride it! 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004     Then we could listen to tunes while waiting to be rescued." "Are you nuts?!" I exclaimed. "How can you think about food at a time like this? Do you realize our first priority is AIR?" 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004      Then we go directly to the reference section so we can look up Guinea Worms. We want to know all about them so we can write a report. 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004     (giggle!)" About an hour later we were all too drunk to stand up, but we sure weren't stressed anymore. Everyone please take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of beer on the wall! (giggle!)" About an hour later we were all too drunk to stand up, but we sure weren't stressed anymore. 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004      That was the part I hated the most. Chopping lettuce. I don't know why, exactly. 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004     They clearly had been tanning for quite some time. "Hey you girls," I exclaimed, "come out of the sun before you get skin cancer. Come and sample some of these fresh-baked biscuits with homemade apple butter and freshly churned butter. 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004     He stood his ground and watched the arch enemy spin and shrivel, whirling ever faster, ever smaller, energy bursts zinging out into the air until all the life force and all the mass had moved to the back of his neck. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004     Extending his hand, Greg expected a benefits package which includes prescription and dental. Would you choose blue chip stocks or penny stocks? Whatever you choose you must be willing to keep what you buy for at least a decade. Greg couldn't believe his jail sentence would be that long, but considering the number of his convictions, he knew he had jail time ahead. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004     asked Sam, quizzically. the officer replied, "It's the illegal immigrants, the aliens, we give them to. They bathe in artificial dihydrogen monoxide which was produced in a laboratory manned by hyper-intelligent mice. "You see," Sam explained, "they're almost as good as human researchers, but they get paid in cheese! 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004     "Yes!" The Earl replied with a bow, "And I named the cheese after thee, milord." Then the Count called all the servants together to tell them the bad news: They would no longer get free sandwiches until the draconian taxes levied by the Duke of Hazzarde were removed. 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004      The first case was Wal-mart vs. Lord Elsington. Barrister's client, Lord E., was accused of stealing four little fur toys from Lord Elsington. 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004      On some he saw expectation, on others he saw apprehension. But on one particular face he saw himself! The similarity was remarkable! The eyes, the nose, even the way he parted his hair. 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004      Guess I will have to stop laughing so hard at your funny eulogy. I mean, he didn't even mention the name of the deceased! He spent most of the time talking about himself. As a result, they gave permission to build on the site of the historic battlefield never realizing that an apocolyptic tidal wave was only a few miles away and coming fast. 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     "I want cheese on mine!" Greg whined. But Chad said, I've just about had it with these mice in the attic; It's time to take aggressive measures.