Betty's Turn-Down Game

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Story ID	Title	Creator	Status	Num Entries	Date Finished
174	Springtime in Virginia	betty	Done	22	12/27/2022
Was I even hungry? And was breakfast the appropriate meal for this time? I looked at the clock, and suddenly realized!
173	Daylight Saving Time !	betty	Done	23	4/21/2021
We had a big job ahead of us: figuring out how to get in a vehicle fast enough to outrun the sun as it moved from east to west. Turns out it has to be going 1,000 miles an hour, so obviously a car was out. So we went to the airport and ironically, we were all so hungry we didn't care what we ate, so on the menu was was a Post-it note with the terse message: "OUTSIDE NOW".
172	A Winter Day in the Wilderness	bonnie	Done	22	2/15/2021
The hills echoed with his bellow of rage, and remnants of soft verses of Psalmic peace.
171	Oh, the weather outside is frightful...	betty	Done	22	12/31/2020
How did it appear so suddenly? The pilot banked to avoid it but it seemed to swoop toward us, and in moments were were engulfed in the savory smells of Christmas dinner cooking! Happy and relieved, we smiled and stepped through the revolving door only to be snagged into a continual rotation!
170	The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!	betty	Done	23	1/13/2020
It would take at least 16 hours to lambaste the turkey.... I mean brine roast the turkey...too LONG !!
169	A Breath of Fresh Air	bonnie	Done	22	11/15/2019
Suddenly, the entire stage collapsed, exploded, and burst into flames, killing everyone instantly! Appearing in the midst of the carnage was Metallica, inside the mouth of a giant robot dinosaur.
168	Toiling at 3 a.m.	betty	Done	22	10/13/2019
Will these trolls ever leave me alone? Don't they have anything better to do than trolling people in the middle of the night?" I checked the time: it was 3 AM. That was the last straw. mode and headed for the outdoor johnny house. Yes my cousin and I painted it blue inside!
167	The Reckoning of the Kiwis	xander	Done	22	7/28/2019
They got to work straightaway, searching for the lost key. If only they could find it they would be able to rescue the kangeroos trapped in the ancient ice house.
166	Somebody's Gotta Do It !	betty	Done	22	7/8/2019
I would certainly expect it to be much better. After all, you get what you pay for." She shook her head and said, "That's not always did the cat treats work. Sometimes I had to open a can of sardines! I pulled back the lid and the smell was questionable, like peanut butter mixed with half and half and a dollop of warm heavy cream.
165	I love Thunderstorms !	betty	Done	21	6/10/2019
So just relax and admire the autograph. "You rock! Love, Thunderstorms", it read in a barely legible hand.
164	Wrapping those Christmas Presents !	betty	Done	23	1/9/2019
They would be so impressed with my new toy' When they arrived they looked at my grand display and with great enthusiam, they said, " Good king Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen!" The entire room erupted in song! We raised our glasses and forgot all about the present wrapping, and joined in with singing and dancing.
163	Let's Set Fire to the Woods	xander	Done	21	12/7/2018
I had to take a break and drink some ice cold Mountain Dew and eat a bite of pecan praline nougat covered in sticky napalm, which I made by dissolving Styrofoam in gasoline. This was the moment of truth. This was the moment the past several weeks had been building up to.
162	Some Kind of Adventure	xander	Done	23	9/10/2018
What a strange taste, like nothing we had ever had before. And the texture was very light, like gossamer. Bewildered by so many things we had never encountered before, we knew this was only the beginning of the end.
161	That Garage !	betty	Done	22	8/9/2018
Locked and loaded, I peeked out the cat door to see what all the commotion was about.... Sure enough, there was a bunch of money in there! It's a good thing I went through it or I would have missed finding all those old plastic machine guns.
160	I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?	betty	Done	24	8/3/2018
I've tried to explain to them that this is my floor and I'd really appreciate if they stopped crapping on it, but it's like talking to a more experienced person. I thought it was pretty good advice to weigh the option of working in an air-conditioned environment, considering how hot the dishwashing water had to be; what would that be doing to the rats in the sewers?
159	A large, healthy tuft of stump grass	bonnie	Done	22	7/18/2018
Mesmerized, we ate popcorn and drank beer while the spectacle continued. Eventually we ran out of mushroom booze. Granted, the stuff makes you hallucinate, but it tastes like liquid gold.
158	Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse	betty	Done	21	7/11/2018
It bridged the gap between this world and the others, and beyond it were visible incomprehensible wonders and horrors alike. Out of the portal emerged several large rats, which actually could have been bald squirrels, but anyway, seeing them made me think, "
157	Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus	betty	Done	22	7/6/2017
Who knew what would show up? We might even see a protest by a bunch of liberal snowflakes demanding safe spaces to protect themselves from being offended. Sure enough, I found one. I walked up to them and said, "You're so nerdy and yet so down-to-earth at the same time.
156	San Antonio Vacation	greg	Done	22	5/27/2017
Because who wants a elbow smothered in 100% maple syrup that was imported from Vermont. "Vermont?!" Betty exclaimed. "That's yankee territory! I don't want no yankee syrup. I may as well have this with a side of socialism and a hot mug of Bernie Sanders Uber Alles. Give me a bottle of Mrs.
155	Will That Snow Ever Melt? !	betty	Done	21	2/5/2017
The nearest one is right next doo' Let's walk over there, introduce ourselves to the new neighbor, and say, "Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on?" And so I wake in the morning and I step outside just to get a breath of fresh, crisp, cold air, but what do I get?!!
154	Different Pizza Toppings	greg	Done	21	1/11/2017
Mmm! In fact, use the big jar! Some people also like to add anchovies...ewww. Then there is the delicious fruit pizza! Sugar cookie crust with strawberries, kiwi fruit, pineapple all arranged in a pattern of pleasing proportions.
153	But I don't want to!	bonnie	Done	20	11/13/2016
BUT I DON'T WANT TO!!!" No one could argue with that. They all leaned way back in their easy chairs and took a nap! Pulling one of them loose, I yelled, "
152	We Need More Enthusiasm !	betty	Done	22	10/16/2016
Do I need to attend a focus group? And if I did, who would be there? Well, obviously Buzz, Moocher, Ace, The Kid, and Big Toot will be there. Other than that, who would be there?
151	Xander's New Dorm Room	bonnie	Done	21	9/9/2016
Welcome to Engineering Country!Now proceed into the Student Center where you will be issued a tote bag full of water guns. The pool party should be fun!" Of course there will be a need for towels to wipe up the floor after the shaving cream fight!
150	Trying to Keep Cool !	betty	Done	22	8/20/2016
The holes were obviously caused by a hailstorm. Serendipity! We collected the balls of ice and used them to rub the backs of the necks of the people who had passed out from the heat. As each one of them came back to consciousness, They said, "
149	The Stump Vine	bonnie	Done	21	4/26/2016
For instance you would never use DDT in combination with crystals of methamphetamine! I didn't want to break the bad news, but police could show up at any minute! When they get here, we will make our favorite hamburger strogonoff using ground up stumps.
148	Laundry	colleen	Done	20	4/2/2016
One big one should be all I need. More than that would mean I would have to spend the next 3 hours sorting it!
147	It's snowing!!!	colleen	Done	29	2/22/2016
Is that cool or not? Glo-Quips sent a photographer and when he came by, he shoveled the sidewalk in front of their french doors, even though everybody knows they never salt the roads anymore because the salt rusts out the undercarriage of the metal railing.
145	Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!	betty	Done	21	2/5/2016
With its comfortable grip and good balance and accuracy, this pistol would be a good choice for wearing on the plane. Remember it gets cold on the plane, so you would probably need to holster it." With that, he turned on his heel and and phoned for the men in white to bring a strait jacket.
144	Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!	colleen	Done	20	1/10/2016
Rearranging the packages I was carrying, put them all off balance and I dropped all of them right into a pool of exceeding clarity. Twenty feet below, I could see the dim sparkle of my diamond watch which had slipped off my wrist.
143	Resolutions for the New Year !	betty	Done	22	1/9/2016
I needed not only a handkerchief but also a big box of old receipts!"
142	Ordering Online Christmas Presents !	betty	Done	21	12/14/2015
If you can't sing at least the first verse of Folsom Prison Blues, you'll get kicked out of the 4-H Club faster than you can say " Merry Christmas!" Or you can say, " Pay for it with my Discover Dollars!! Woo hoo!!" It's like free money!!
141	Dual Composters	greg	Done	21	12/13/2015
I decided to find out, so I set up a roadside stand at the end of our driveway, and started waving down every third driver in the Indy 500.
140	Deli Bologna	greg	Done	22	11/28/2015
Meanwhile, several neighbors stopped by to see where the smell was coming from. They were holding handkerchiefs over their noses and were mumbling, "
139	Getting Ready for Fall !	betty	Done	21	10/29/2015
Thinking fast, I ran down the hill trying to stay ahead of the rolling pumpkin. I was hoping to catch it before it fell into the raging river down below. Unfortunately, just at the last second, I slipped in the mud and slid right into a big pile of manure. That was the last straw!
138	Slatherage	greg	Done	21	9/16/2015
band. I first heard about them when they appeared as my Wiki Word of the Day. Another stupid bunch of words. Who writes this stuff?? I wouldn't be surprised if the author was Mr. John James, former front man of Newsboys, another Aussie rock band which barely predates Dig Hay Zoose.
137	Growing Those Tomatoes !	betty	Done	21	8/1/2015
And Danny exclaimed, " They're HUGE!" Unexpectedly, the plants were hit with a terrible blight which quickly made them perk up.
136	Midnight snack	colleen	Done	21	6/11/2015
Was it a ghost? Uncertain, I reached out my hand and gingerly nudged the doughnut. It seemed to be moving by itself! Then through a little crack in the sugary glaze I saw several disgusting guests on late-night talk shows.
135	That New Smart Phone	betty	Done	22	6/10/2015
Obviously, life would be easier with a million bucks. So I started taking classes on business at the local community college.
134	NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS	greg	Done	24	6/3/2015
It must have been Mr. Carrington, the newspaper deliveryman! He was known for being obnoxious to the nth degree. Everyone was gathering into little groups to avoid talking to him. Then suddenly he came toward us and said, "I want my two dollars!"
133	Why me!?!!	colleen	Done	23	6/3/2015
I am sure I lost some. We want to make our own peanut butter in our new electric hot tub. It's great! The only drawback is that our refrigerator is on the blink and all the food is slowly spoiling. I wonder if Danny Speight would let us borrow his passes to attend a free movie at Regal Cinemas at Kiln Creek.
132	Backyard Projects	betty	Done	22	5/28/2015
But, why then could he not get off his duff and help me?!! Sweat was running into my eyes, mosquitoes were biting me, and worst of all, the only solution I could find online was to use pesticide.
131	Cupcakes!	colleen	Done	22	5/26/2015
Sweat trickled down his leg and got on the beam, and when he took his next step, he closed his eyes and took the first bite. Mmmmmmmm! So good! Mmmmm.
129	Climbing Enchanted Rock	betty	Done	21	5/2/2015
I knew they only SEEMED closer...or were they really? The clear sky released the oppressive heat, and stars started to blink on.
128	I Need to Take a Trip !	betty	Done	22	4/16/2015
Good thing I was not looking directly at it, and a good thing I was wearing my asbestos underwear! It was so hot! It made me want to go to San Antonio, Texas to visit Bonnie, Chad, Xander, Ethan, and their dog named all the cats in the neighborhood: "Stinky", "Spazzy", "Sissy McWeepington", "Sir Pukesalot", etc.
127	Bonnie's New Tutoring Job	bonnie	Done	27	4/16/2015
It could also measure each kid to make sure the desks were the right size. Sure enough, one kid was way too messy to read. on every paper except one, on which she wrote: "100%"
126	Getting Ready for New Year's Eve	betty	Done	22	2/18/2015
Why is the New Year's number always depicted as novelty eyeglasses? Why is the eggnog always gone? Why is the New Year's number always depicted as novelty eyeglasses? If only I had remembered all the eggnog was gone! Why is the eggnog always gone?
125	New Year's Resolutions	bonnie	Done	22	12/24/2014
I knew I could do it!" And now you know how to make your neighbors your best friends for life !Just walk over, knock on their door and with great enthusiasm, say, "
124	Get Those Presents Wrapped !	betty	Done	22	12/24/2014
I looked around for help, and there, just out of reach, was just what I needed: more Scotch tape! I looked in the different drawers to find some and in my search I found ten bottles of beer on the wall, ten bottles of beer!
123	We Need a Plumber !	betty	Done	22	12/12/2014
Oh well, more brownies for us. He went into anaphylactic shock and died. Oh well, more brownies for us. But the plumber was allergic to walnuts! He went into anaphylactic shock and died. Oh well, more brownies for us. And we soon had enough to make brownies with. But the plumber was allergic to walnuts!
122	Christmas Decorations	bonnie	Done	22	12/12/2014
Some people think they are dead! But they're just acting. They're just lying there waiting to be strung from shrub to shrub. Let's get going! First I will check them by plugging them into the nearest electrical outlet.
121	I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!	betty	Done	21	11/28/2014
When everyone saw me opening it, they knew they were in dire straits when they entered the cave and deep within they saw a tumor! "That thing is enormous!" The doctor yelled. "We have to operate now! There's no time to climb down! Just jump! As soon as you get your balance, you can play Pac-Man with your feet !
120	The Great Beyond	xander	Done	21	9/21/2014
I figured that third choice made perfect sense because he had just eaten a loaf of bread the size of his head. He then extemporaneously launched into song. he declared, "And it's dedicated to freezing peoples' brains so they can be revived at a later date. Each person has to pick which future century they want and they can also pick out what kind of simulation they wanted to be in during the operation.
119	Summer	bonnie	Done	20	9/21/2014
My wife insisted I was being paranoid, but I had to be absolutely certain that the air conditioner would never break down again. Pack wisely, because the ants and mice can get into any little crevice to eat carefully prepared a series of dangerous, deadly traps leading up to my bathroom.
118	Best Video Game of the Year !	betty	Done	22	8/15/2014
They were next to the Cheetos, Slim Jims, Twizzlers, and a box of Poop. I wondered how it had gotten in there. How it had gotten in there. Poop. I wondered how it had gotten in there.
117	The best movie EVER!!!	colleen	Done	21	7/18/2014
I was appalled and could not watch a minute more; in fact, I just stood up and shouted, " Kill it, kill it, KILL IT!!!!!"
116	What I Saw When I Took A Walk II	greg	Done	23	5/28/2014
I shook my head, and shut my eyes and fell into a manhole! OOOH ! Fortunately, I landed on my feet on a big pile of money. I said "Gimme that money!" But he said, You are under arrest!
115	You know...	bonnie	Done	23	11/10/2013
There must have been hundreds of them! They were everywhere! They must have gone through 15 boxes of Saltine crackers!
114	Whatever is on your mind !	betty	Done	24	10/27/2013
They may cause a tremendous amount of gas and you will feel quite light-headed. The remedy for that is to be totally relaxed, have warm socks on your feet, and be ready to tackle the quarterback!
113	Nursery Rhyme	greg	Done	22	10/24/2013
But was it distilled or well water? To test it, we inserted a non-compete clause into the document. It now read, "I (fill in your name) will not directly or indirectly engage in any business that competes with the cupboard of Old Mother Hubbard."
112	Global Warming !	betty	Done	26	8/19/2013
Then you will be safely high enough to escape the impending tsunami.
110	Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !	betty	Done	22	4/19/2013
Time seemed to slow down and I could count each rod in the grill that would soon become one with my face. I could count the individual strands of Rayon that composed pink fuzzy dice dangling from his rearview mirror. I could smell what could only be described as vast quantities of Mexican food nearby.
109	Thanksgiving	bonnie	Done	19	12/19/2012
Your good china, your sparkling wine. We were just about to open our second bottle when suddenly, hot marshmallow started oozing out around the oven door! "How much for a deep fat fryer big enough for a turkey??
108	I Blew Up My Lab!	greg	Done	21	10/26/2012
When I heard that City of Heroes was in danger of shutting down, I got so mad that I slammed the door; the shock rattled the shelf and down to the floor fell a beaker full of precious golden rings. So bright. So beautiful. prrrecciouusss... Those hobbitses are always stealing from us.
107	Christmas Shopping III	betty	Done	21	2/11/2012
Believe it or not down the road came a knick-knack, paddywack, give a dog a wrapped-up box of chew bones and when he tears the wrapper off he will bite into a raw onion! Now he has great breath! (Muhahahaha) He also has another present hidden in the glove box of his car.
106	Let's Organize Your Garage !	betty	Done	22	7/25/2011
Put them back into the empty egg cartons where they will be safe. Then put the egg cartons on top of the crates of rockets that we got from GI Joe's military surplus. For the love of all that's holy, don't bump them!
105	Christmas Shopping II	greg	Done	21	2/24/2011
"Eat my dust, turkeys!" I yelled out the window as the car shot out of the stocking which was hanging on the mantle. I heard a rustling in the chimney, an looked up and saw a huge SALE sign!!! It covered the entire front of the store!! I'd never seen anything like it.
103	Zombie Attack!	greg	Done	22	6/10/2010
Since he was no Jimmy Stewart fan, the zombie jumped out of the monitor and uttered a gravelly :) voice at me, and said right into my ear, " Help me reload my shotgun! That dern zombie took a chunk out of my arm and I can barely keep my eyelids open! The reason must be that I ate too much brains!
102	The Art of Decluttering	betty	Done	21	8/4/2009
So then we started to use the snow shovel to pick up all the piles of fly poop FlyLady was leaving everywhere. We put them just where they belonged: in your face, boy!!
101	The hathood of the traveling brown hat.	rhonda	Done	21	3/20/2009
That would look so cool on my hat. I got on the internet and ordered one from this company called " The Joke's on You, LLC." They specialize in sneaky stuff like letting the air out of the sweatband of the hat where I found a secret note! The note said, "
100	The Nephews come to Visit	greg	Done	22	12/9/2008
It was really great to see how much taller they had become. Why their two heads reached all the way to the moon and back. Our first order of business was to hide in the bushes and squirt everybody who walked by with a big dose of NyQuil. Within moments they were fast asleep, and I was able to turn flips so fast that we could not keep our eyes focused; nor could we show our face in Chuck E.
99	Laser Eye Surgery	greg	Done	20	10/3/2008
One day I misplaced them and believe it or not I found them in the dumpster next to Chase Arbor Commons. Rhonda exclaimed, "While you're in there, why don't you get me a metal prod so I can get behind the eyeball and repair the side of my car that the guy smashed into when he was trying to park, cuz he couldn't see worth a darn."
98	Abiathar the Superhero!	greg	Done	21	4/27/2007
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we do some serious bashing!
97	My New Video Game!	betty	Done	21	3/13/2007
Hey! That'd make a good name for a game: "Playstation Frustration"! In that game you'd start out in the sewers killing rats with your bare hands, then after reaching your first level, you would start hanging pictures, nice and straight. Because it's Bob Vila: The Game. If you get enough points you can upgrade to a laser level, which lets you upgrade your hero another level without having to restart the level every time you died.
96	Fixing up my Garden	greg	Done	22	1/29/2007
Always offering unsolicited advice. I've got half a mind to take a nap in the nearby hammock. Last summer I had installed the hammock between two pillars made of marble. They were 30 feet tall, 2 feet wide, and frankly they stink and I don't want them in my garden anymore.
95	Rearranging My New Tech Room	betty	Done	22	1/31/2007
It expanded quickly into a hard, yellowish goo which was perfect for the cats new dining area. They would love this pretty new space complete with not one but two cores per CPU, giving it inherent multiprocessing power. Not only would games run faster, but I could never banish the cats from the tech room even though they often wreak havoc with the local radio stations.
94	Speeding Down the Highway	betty	Done	21	12/4/2006
Eventually they drifted to a dead stop, out of gas, low on oil, and right in the middle of a speedtrap! There must have been 20 police crusiers there!
93	Having Surgery	greg	Done	20	12/1/2006
They were everywhere! had to write out a final will and testament. He gravely wrote, "I, being of sound mind and body, do hereby express my wishes in this last will and testament."
92	Accountant at Work	greg	Done	21	4/1/2006
I'm Mr. Rogers of Mr. Rogers Windows! Did you know that poor-quality windows could cost you a bundle in heating bills? That's why I always read the Dilbert cartoon as soon as I get to work.
91	What I Saw When I Took a Walk	betty	Done	21	3/31/2006
I ran toward the van to try and get his autograph, but he growled, "I ain't got time for your jibba-jabba, fool!" And with that, he made a U-turn and proceeded back down the road and bumped into a steel spike that protruded from a pile of obliterated concrete.
90	Learning a Foreign Language	greg	Done	22	2/4/2006
And I hope you have it, because it's important when traveling to be able to drink hot tea with the little finger in the air.
89	Putting out Christmas Lights	betty	Done	21	2/3/2006
Dodging tiny glass shrapnel, I jumped through hoops trying to get the lights to the top of the tree, but only succeeded in getting them around the rosey, a pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all sang "Ring Around the Rosie"! We were so happy to get the job finally finished, that we proclaimed a toast to be buttered and jammed in her honor.
88	Lazor Beam Hydra	greg	Done	22	12/16/2005
We came running and saw many tentacles creeping out of the hatch, and they were reaching for a rope to pull themselves out before the Lazor Beam Hydra returned!!!!!!!!
87	Concert at Chrysler Hall	betty	Done	21	12/14/2005
I was thinking Goldman and Sachs. I asked, and they said please to take our seats immediately! The maestro was heading down the center aisle was Hulk Hogan! he howled, and the audience began to shuffle their feet with boredom. That restless sound soon reached the top balcony, where our VIP seats were.
86	Touring Europe	bonnie	Done	21	12/13/2005
I realized that whichever one of us was driving would really have to pay attention, knowing that they were about to be invaded by Germany again! Already, I could hear the sound of heavy traffic. This made me feel very much like an Ugly American.
85	Christmas Shopping	betty	Done	22	12/1/2005
I needed no distractions ,I had to be totally focused because of the traffic snarls, the icy streets, and the crazy dudes out front with the pots and handbells. Every time I walk by, they scare me. And those oh-so-happy elves, always poking at the customers and asking us, "
84	Working at McDonald's	greg	Done	21	12/1/2005
I'm the shizzle for my nizzle. And you know you're not allowed to eat mistakes! Put that in the waste bucket!" Reluctantly, I placed the tomato heels and limp lettuce on each one of the cash registers.
83	Trip to the Pumpkin Patch	sherry	Done	22	11/7/2005
Everyone turned their attention to us and the farmer (who was very creative about recycling) used old tires to start a bonfire. Boy, it stank, but the flames reached to pick up a jar of homemade apple butter! I had to squint to read the obiturary, but I managed to make out "squished by a giant pumpkin"!
82	test2	greg	Done	24	9/16/2015
I know that will make you feel completely relaxed. So just close your eyes and whatever you do, don't think about pink elephants. HAHAHA! You thought of pink elephants!!! Get lose, you cannot compare with my powers. woo boo -boo-boogaloo, boo-boo-boogalo!
81	Going Into Space II	greg	Done	21	10/28/2005
Now all you need to do is finish these cheetos while making some last minute calculations to ensure our safe arrival back to earth. One never knows what will happen if you transpose the warp stream with the antimatter containment field, you will surely lose your breakfast in a hurry, unless you made sure first that you fasten your helmet securely, fasten your oxygen hose, and secure you must be, and I the all-wise one, tell you I will, that you really had better know what you're doing by now!
80	Taking Computer Class	betty	Done	20	10/27/2005
And if someone did, he would probably use DOS! Or Windows 3.1!! Ha ha ha!" We all had a big laugh. But the truth was hard to swallow; in fact I was so overwhelmed, that I had to make the computer do what the teacher wanted it to do! I couldn't believe it!
79	Cooking Show II	greg	Done	21	9/27/2005
With a maniacal howl, he headed straight for the audience and handed out free samples. Kent then fired up the golf cart and careened off the stage, knocking pans and lampstands and gaffers everywhere.
78	Potty Training the Twins	betty	Done	21	9/24/2005
The quickest thing I could do was put them into a big cardboard box. If I hurried, I could get to Warehouse Store and buy another 1000 diapers before they go to college! So don't worry, everybody poops, more or less, and it all works out in the end. And the Welcome Wagon ladies were already coming up my front steps!
77	Noisy Neighbors	bonnie	Done	21	9/23/2005
It's really not necessary for you to practice at home. I think they're even open at this time: your mouth! It needs to be CLOSED at this time!!" With that, she jumped off the roof and landed in the kiddie pool. Splash! The water flew out and drenched the apple pie in whipped cream, which I then cheerfully took to the neighbor's house.
76	Driving Across Country	betty	Done	22	9/16/2005
That way we can glide more easily into the gulch, where we will be protected from the oncoming onslaught of tornadoes. Well, safer, anyway. There's no telling what we will do if we start down that mountain and our brakes give out! We will probably end up going into a rest area to collect tourist pamphlets for the area.
75	NASCAR Days	greg	Done	21	9/9/2005
The pavement started to get sticky, and that made the tires start to melt. I panicked at first until I learned my suit was really fireproof. Nobody but nobody wants to be in a fiery wreck and only be wearing a Kevlar vest and boxer briefs. There is no A/C in a race car, and it gets pretty darn hot in the cabin.
74	Conserving Water	bonnie	Done	22	9/9/2005
It's actually a water-saving toilet, and it cost much more than I could afford. In fact it cost a dollar. The cigarette lighter cost a dollar. The foil pinwheel toy cost a dollar. In fact, everything we bought cost a dollar!
73	The Best Diet Ever!	sherry	Done	21	8/31/2005
So instead, try to re-interpret your hunger as a desire to do another favorite activity besides eat, such as eggplant, okra, mushrooms, and rhubarb: all on Greg's list of guys lookin' in yer window! Every time I see them my appetite goes through the roof!
72	What a Yard Sale!	betty	Done	20	8/23/2005
Soon the hordes would be here. I was a little nervous, because this was my very first yard sale. I ate a quick breakfast of hot lava.
71	Test Pilot	greg	Done	21	8/17/2005
And you know what that means! That means we will have to try to land at the closest airport we can find! Don't be alarmed at a change in plans, just make your face like flint, give it full throttle and close your eyes!
70	A Day in the Life of a Dork	sherry	Done	21	8/14/2005
People just do not give enough credit to the dorks of the world. So, here we pay homage to dorks everywhere. After all, if it weren't for brainiacs, nothing cool would ever get invented. stuff like microwaves and the thingies that keep your phone cord from getting tangled, but "cool" stuff like tie-dyed T-shirts and also lots of beaded necklaces which he wore around his head.
69	Time for a Checkup!	bonnie	Done	21	8/3/2005
This sort of thing happens if you don't eat enough fiber, and then load up on cheese pizza. My recommendation is have a cup of hot tea and a small plate of three soft chewy dog treats, the kind with little meaty bit in the middle."
68	Building My New Cat Condo	betty	Done	21	7/10/2005
(Hey, I was in a hurry!) Besides, it only cost 89 cents. And I had a coupon for $1 off so he had to give me 11 cents back. Muhahaha!
67	Putting Up Wallpaper	greg	Done	21	6/12/2005
Five minutes later the glue had hardened like week-old oatmeal. And not Quaker Oatmeal, either; I'm talking about cheap, store-brand tools! They wear out or break even before you've finished one project! It pays to set aside enough time to complete the job; otherwise, you are left with wallpaper paraphernalia strewn across the house for the next four months.
66	My Newest Home Improvement Project!	betty	Done	20	5/17/2005
I just stood there for a second because I was so amazed that a ruptured gas line could shoot flames that high! It must have been 30 feet into the air. We were all standing around when the septic tank pumper truck pulled up.
65	Phone Call	bonnie	Done	21	5/9/2005
"Wait! Don't hang up! I want to be sure I got it. Just hold on a second while I answer my cell phone........oh, and now there goes my beeper! well, you know the rest of the neighborhood will shortly know all about it if you tell her. Her favorite thing to talk about is how she's going to marry that new recruit that she met from talking to on the phone, if they survive the latest mission, that is."
64	Airline Pilot	greg	Done	21	4/23/2005
This was my first day on the job as a new airliner pilot, and everything had to be just right. So I adjusted the seat. Then it felt much better. Reaching for the throw-up bag would be a good idea. Quickly, there is no time to waste! In a few seconds I will be unconscious from the lack of cabin pressure!
63	I'm Not In It For The...	bonnie	Done	21	4/6/2005
I said, "I assure you NOTHING can go wrong when I'm around!" To everyone's amazement I then proceeded to sing, " We're in the money, we're in the money, we've got a lot of snot to clean up here.
62	Hosting a Cooking Show	betty	Done	21	4/12/2005
This is not a middle school cafeteria! Look what just landed on the counter! It's a big glop of pork brains! Mix it in with the scrambled eggs and you will have a breakfast served to you in several courses, as I finish each section of the show. I have staff who will divide the German blood sausage into enough pieces so that everyone can have at least a Eastern European immigrant would have more good taste than the fresh-faced yahoos we've been putting on this show.
61	Ain't It Cool?	greg	Done	22	4/7/2005
I know you will sound like a foghorn, and that will mean that you will need to put some totally awesome detailing on your car. We're talking flames comin' out of the freakin' wheel wells, a Confederate flag on either side, and the hood a big ol' skull ring -- solid silver!
60	Competing with Starbuck's	bonnie	Done	21	4/2/2005
"I can tell you suffer from it." she squealed, with wide eyes, "I just knew something wasn't right with me lately!" She was amazed, and relieved to know that her laxative would start working any minute now. She smiled and said "Don't use that cream for your coffee, because I think it is time to switch to decaf!"
59	My First Ocean Cruise	betty	Done	21	3/28/2005
I was completely flabbergasted! I had lost my third game of shuffleboard! What to do? I think I should sit out the next one and work out a new lodging arrangement. and chuckled nervously. Our best course of action was to put on life jackets right away and line up next to the lady in the fancy hat.
58	Captain Underpants	greg	Done	21	3/23/2005
Hop, hop, hop!" He giggled, as he flushed my goldfish down the toilet. One after another, down they went, and I was helpless to control it. The pressure was just too much. Before I could stop it, great volumes of gas filled the room of guests who had just arrived from the theater.
57	New Year's Resolutions!	bonnie	Done	21	3/18/2005
Calmly, she answered, "I'm thinking if we ate nothing but lettuce and skim milk for a month we may look good for the St. Valentine's Day party. And I'm all for a healthy diet, but don't you think you're taking it a little far?"
56	Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon	betty	Done	21	3/13/2005
Marketing firms know how much parents want to make their kids happy. It's all about finding the sources of disposable cellphones. See, in the future, so many people had been using disposable cellphones that the landfills were overflowing with them and people were dying in disposable cellphone avalanches.
55	Spy Base Alpha	greg	Done	21	3/8/2005
I'm an agent. A secret agent. A spy, to be precise. My headquarters is Spy Base Alpha, and from here we have access to all communications satellites, private and government-owned foreign and domestic. Over here, we don't need money; we trade and barter for everything.
54	Texas Winter	bonnie	Done	20	3/3/2005
The A/C was cranked up (or is it down?), fortunately. I had some ice cream and once I was cooled off I ran back outside to warm up.
53	Christmas Shopping - 2004	betty	Done	20	2/26/2005
The salesman crooned. "Have a seat on this bench while I go into Best Buy. I need to, umm, get some stuff." An hour later my receipt showed up in my e-mail.
52	Modeling Agency	greg	Done	21	2/21/2005
Nice! But still, she really did want to do modeling herself. Sigh. I guess for now, it was all just a fantasy! She paused for a final jelly doughnut before entering the inner sanctum of the plush office where dozens of models were milling around, considering who would look best in which outfit.
51	All I Need Is...	bonnie	Done	21	2/16/2005
Obviously I was going to have to figure this out for myself. i before e except after c... in which case jelly doughnuts will be your best bet.
50	My Summer at the Archeological Dig	betty	Done	21	2/11/2005
"How did this get in here?" I exclaimed. "The sites contaminated, and we ourselves slowly dying from some unknown ancient curse, it was only a matter of time before we and all our work disintegrated back into ancient history.
49	Shopping at Lowe's	greg	Done	20	2/6/2005
So Lowe's decided to stay open until midnight to accomodate all the purchases! Actually, you may need TWO carts! In fact, you may find that the selection of 2x4s has way too many knots in it. In which case, you should start over. As much of a headache that is, it'll be even worse if you led mold take control.
48	Anorexia Therapy	bonnie	Done	21	2/1/2005
Because that's where you are, you know-- but try not to think about it. It's counter-productive. Stay focused on eating everything in sight. You may end up being bulimic, but at least that won't kill you.
47	Building My New House!	betty	Done	23	1/27/2005
Either we're forming a habitat for something other than humans, or someone's gonna have to mow!" We'd been so busy tearing down the neighbors' hedges so we have room to expand.
46	Ultimate Ninja II	greg	Done	21	1/22/2005
I bounced off two walls and the ceiling, appearing as no more than a black ghost before I landed the blows, methodically right between the eyes, whirled around and thrust a powerful kick right into his solar plexus! he said, his breath knocked out all the windows in the art studio.
45	Election Day!	betty	Done	21	1/17/2005
Where is your voting card? And don't come in here sniveling like the loser Democrat that you are. Step up to the table and tell me your party affiliation, if you don't mind."
44	A Day in the Life of...	bonnie	Done	20	1/12/2005
They were getting tired of all that harrassment. Yeah, and how about that possum! Always eating all their expensive IAMS and bowls of sugar! SUGAR! Right there next to the hill! We couldn't believe it!
43	High School Carwash	greg	Done	20	1/7/2005
Go back!!" and waved the water hose in a circle over his head, splashing water on everyone nearby, including customers, classmates, and the whole board of supervisors joined in to hold hands, circle around, and sang Ring Around the Rosy. Go back! Go back!!" and waved the water hose in a circle over his head, splashing water on everyone nearby, including customers, classmates, and the whole board of supervisors joined in to hold hands, circle around, and sang Ring Around the Rosy.
42	Pushed Over the Edge	bonnie	Done	21	1/2/2005
Our analysis of that will give us a lot of insight into your mental problems." I said to him, "My only problem is YOUR ugly face. Speak to the hand! Because I don't want to look at your last moments of life on this earth!" With that he opened fire and I dodged every bullet with great aplomb.
41	Cleaning Out the Garage	betty	Done	21	12/28/2004
"Oh, yeah! That's right! It looks like plastic poop; you know that artificial dog poop that you fool people with? Never mind scoop it up and throw it into the dumpster parked on the side of the house.
40	HULK SMASH!	greg	Done	20	12/23/2004
Me dumb. Me stupid. Me go the wrong way on a one-way street. Me knock you into the middle of the walls of the building across the alleyway!" Luckily no one was eating at the time. The smell was horrific. Everyone made a dive for the only door. Unfortunately in their path was a deep hole from where the truck had landed.
39	Joining the PTA	bonnie	Done	20	12/18/2004
she said sweetly. "This PTA is disbanded. All your children will be going to Christian charter schools from now on!" The parents cheered while the teachers groaned. She's the Director of Faith-Based Initiatives at D.C.!" she said sweetly. "This PTA is disbanded. All your children will be going to Christian charter schools from now on!"
38	Going to the County Fair	betty	Done	20	12/13/2004
Insane with panic, I grabbed the blue ribbon watermelon and threw it as hard as I could at the red-faced perpetrator. "You think you have the right to scare innocent people like that?
37	News at 11	greg	Done	20	12/8/2004
"Can't you see that the weatherman hasn't arrived yet?!! What are we going to do?
36	Investigating Vegetarianism	bonnie	Done	21	12/3/2004
Pilot! Pilot! I need a pilot! Oh, I forgot my plane ride is over. Good thing I asked for a Kosher meal. I guess that's why they gave me a plate of warm stir-fried vegetable with tofu crumbles." They figured I could use more protein and the oil from the stir-fry would satiate my hunger because the fat becomes trans-fat and demolishes your electrolyte balance; thereby making you feel dizzy and giving you a craving for filet mignon, wrapped in bacon and smothered in mushrooms and fried onions.
35	Boppy's Trip to Texas	betty	Done	21	11/28/2004
On her salad she had crumbles of Bleu Cheese and bean sprouts with a delectable dressing made of Mediterranean olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and grated bits of dried hot peppers! Spicy is good! Good for the immune system! Good for your mood! It's even good for fryin' up that armadillo you done run right over with your dang ol' truck.
34	Dance Class	bonnie	Done	21	11/23/2004
First I purchased my required leotard, tights, and the only other necessary item: a pretty pink tutu! Ready to dance? First lift your right leg and touch your toes on the edge of the piano. We were lucky enough to have live piano music to dance to. Which makes sense, actually, because the piano player had sprained his ankle and couldn't show up.
33	The Minotaur King	greg	Done	21	11/18/2004
That soft cartilage is so sensitive, so easy to bleed, so tender and kind.
32	The Bizarre Bazaar	bonnie	Done	20	11/13/2004
"What are you doing here?" I asked the white, gristly fellow. He said, "I don't have enough money.
31	My Trip Around the World	betty	Done	21	11/8/2004
To be, or not to be, that is the question." Clearly we had to go to London, to celebrate Shakespeare and see the Great Wall of China.
30	Downtown Precinct	greg	Done	22	11/3/2004
I'm the man. I'm YOUR man. I can get the job done. You ask me, and I will tell you. Yes, I am the suspect. But I assure you I didn't do it. Please note how cooperative I'm being.
29	Growing Up on a Farm	betty	Done	21	10/29/2004
Well, here's another bucket of swill for them...Splash! And I think I will also add some corn to the pig's food. They seem to like that. But they don't seem to care much for city folk. They were always coming around here, blabbing about how much nice it is up north, where they have eaten the grass right down to the bare ground.
28	The Dinosaur World	bonnie	Done	21	10/24/2004
That's when we heard it: birdlike calls, a sound like distant rumbling thunder, and the snapping, cracking sound of large trees falling.
27	Gardening with Betty	greg	Done	20	10/19/2004
They were everywhere!! So I grabbed a hand hoe and started hacking at it. No interlopers in this garden! You can count on me to take care of all the weeds, because I know what a weed looks like.
26	On the Open Road	bonnie	Done	21	10/14/2004
That's when I know it's time to turn around and head for home. You know, just like Dorothy said, "There's no place like home." And every time I get to the bottom, I have this feeling of diarrhea running down my pants leg...
25	The International Village	bonnie	Done	21	10/9/2004
"Oh, I guess we can't go diving for oysters after all! I was looking forward to that!"
24	Weekend in Paris	greg	Done	21	10/4/2004
And you know what that means: a Frenchman without a beret is like a woman without a new pair of shoes." she exclaimed as she punched me in the arm. With that, we immediately went to to the great cathedral, Notre Dame. When we walked through the great doors, everything was very quiet.
23	Xander Goes Shopping	betty	Done	22	9/29/2004
Each bag weighed half an ounce, so we were able to stuff a great many of them in Xander's backpack before he started complaining. He grumbled, " I'm really getting tired and hungry.
22	Fart Dictionary	bonnie	Done	21	9/24/2004
It's like a stink bomb dropping in a room. One can only hope that one is alone if this happens. If others are present, your only hope is to fart again, only this time fart harder, and hopefully it'll be toxic enough to kill any witnesses. The fact is I cannot believe Bonnie started this story!
21	Boot Camp	greg	Done	21	9/19/2004
Rabies? Let them worry about it! He started foaming at the mouth and just could not resist biting the tar out of every single drill sargeant on the base. Rabies? Let them worry about it!
20	Good Old Pop's Drive-in	betty	Done	21	9/14/2004
And started rolling jauntily down the street, singing, " Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work we go; hum,hum,hum,hum....hum,hum,hum,hum, Hi Ho Hi Ho, Hi Ho Hi Ho." They were such a happy bunch! So happy that they cheered, in chorus, "GROUP HUG!"
19	Going Back to College	betty	Done	21	9/9/2004
No air conditioning in these old buildings. The muggy air of late summer was so exhausting that everyone felt just hot, damp, and tired. There was only one quick solution: and that was to immediately drink lots of ammonia and chase it with bleach. He belched a monstrous cloud of lethal chlorine gas, and all the oxygen supply was quickly being depleted.
18	If You Give a Mouse a Cookie	bonnie	Done	21	9/4/2004
They must have learned how to do that from reading Soldier of Fortune magazine. I mean, these rodents were organized. They were always one step ahead of us, always anticipating a gourmet delight, complete with linen napkin, real silverware, sparkling crystal goblets, and soft relaxing heavy metal music.
17	Our Summer Vacation	betty	Done	21	8/30/2004
Hurry we need to try to refreeze it! And to do that we need some sunscreen lotion, beach towels, and volleyballs, and of course food. Don't forget the food." So we hightailed it to the rest area so we could throw up.
16	Trapped in a Mine	greg	Done	21	8/25/2004
"Are you nuts?!" I exclaimed. "How can you think about food at a time like this? Do you realize our first priority is AIR?" "Women!" He thought to himself, "
14	Our Visit to the Library	bonnie	Done	21	8/15/2004
Instead, I loaded all the returned books onto the library cart and wheeled them into the back room where I could sort them in peace, and put them where they belonged: in the toilet. While I was in there, I grabbed a plunger in one hand and a toilet brush in the other and ran out screaming!
13	Stress Reduction Techniques	bonnie	Done	23	8/10/2004
screamed Bonnie, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MEDITATE WHEN YOU KEEP TALKING TO ME???!! Would you please go twiddle your thumbs while I take care of MY important business! You are so getting on my nerves! I think you should focus on your breathing. That is an excellent way to direct energy.
12	My New Job at Burger King	betty	Done	20	8/5/2004
Now we're in trouble. The Sheriff will think we have turned into an opium den. What to do?! Maybe we should replace them with soy.
11	Cooking with Grandma	betty	Done	22	7/31/2004
But that's OK, because we had fire insurance. But before she could drink it, she had to add a spoonful of honey and a little squirt of diarrhea, and she knew she should haven't eaten that greasy platter of fries and fried chicken with extra grease. But that's OK, because we had fire insurance.
10	Ultimate Ninja	greg	Done	22	7/26/2004
And again what is that POWER? It is the power of the universe! The power that enables the ULTIMATE NINJA to unleash hundreds if not thousands of punches and kicks upon any who opposed him. He spent the rest of his days travelling from town to town, teaching any who would listen, when he wasn't busy flipping out.
8	Wall Street Blues	greg	Done	22	7/16/2004
correction centers where every day he would get to watch TV, exercise, and eat three prison meals a day.
7	Going into Space	betty	Done	21	7/11/2004
Unfortunately, he was wearing his kyptonite underwear that day, and they all parachuted out into a black hole of oblivion.
5	Ye Olde Medieval Days	betty	Done	21	7/1/2004
Count Muenster declared, "We have thee to thank for these delightful victuals." "Yes!" The Earl replied with a bow, "And I named the cheese after thee, milord."
4	Barrister the Lawyer Cat	betty	Done	21	6/26/2004
his mom said, "your screen time is all used up for today. Tomorrow is a new day and you can renew your magazine subscriptions over the phone, but only if you act now!"
3	The Big Conundrum	betty	Done	21	6/21/2004
He waved at him, and yelled, "Where did you graduate from? Podunk U.?!! Your degree must have been written with invisible ink!" He started to sit down, but then yelled again, "
2	Woo baby!	greg	Done	21	6/16/2004
Guess I will have to stop laughing so hard at your funny eulogy. I mean, he didn't even mention the name of the deceased! He spent most of the time talking about himself. As a result, they gave permission to build on the site of the historic battlefield never realizing that an apocolyptic tidal wave was only a few miles away and coming fast.
1	Big Computer	greg	Done	18	6/11/2004
So immediately he began to jump up and down and sing "Yankee Doodle." Everyone was so inspired by his shameless act of pariotism, they stood up and applauded with great gusto, knowing full well that as soon as they sat back down, they would know that this was the end of the world as they knew it.