Betty's Turn-Down Game

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Story ID	Title	Creator	Status	Num Entries	Date Finished
174	Springtime in Virginia	betty	Done	22	12/27/2022
that's not got much Spam in it." And when they say, "I don't want ANY Spam! then I'll reply, "You are the biggest dummy I have ever seen!!
173	Daylight Saving Time !	betty	Done	23	4/21/2021
All this stuff had to be bagged and filed as evidence. We had a big job ahead of us: figuring out how to get in a vehicle fast enough to outrun the sun as it moved from east to west.
172	A Winter Day in the Wilderness	bonnie	Done	22	2/15/2021
I said, " 2 bites and I am full. However I will never turn down a big bowl of Whoop-Ass! You can set it right next to this bigger can of Whoop-Ass!"
171	Oh, the weather outside is frightful...	betty	Done	22	12/31/2020
You know--the ones where you have to sand off the excess dirt and grime, and then the next step is the most important one: onto the airplane! Finally! My butt was sore from sitting around in the terminal for hours and hours.
170	The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!	betty	Done	23	1/13/2020
After about 8 hours, the turkey was halfway cooked. We were starting to get ravenous, waiting around getting hungry. We started looking for the giblets. You boil those separately. They make good broth. Once you're sure you have them all, put them in your mouth. Let's quit beating around the bush here, we're all hungry.
169	A Breath of Fresh Air	bonnie	Done	22	11/15/2019
Just don't be heavy handed with the instruments! Chip Davis paid a lot to assemble this plethora of instruments, and you -- what? Plethora. Plethora. No, it's a word that means a tornado probably came though overnight.
168	Toiling at 3 a.m.	betty	Done	22	10/13/2019
Well, e-friends anyway. Those were the ones I trolled the most. And one time this guy said to me, " Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?"
167	The Reckoning of the Kiwis	xander	Done	22	7/28/2019
Something massive and unprecedented was stirring beneath the surface, and it was probably angry. It was impossible to deny: Sweet dreams are made of cheese / Who am I to dis a brie? / I cheddar the world and the feta cheese / Everybody's looking for stilton.
166	Somebody's Gotta Do It !	betty	Done	22	7/8/2019
Their fury was legendary, their strength and unity were more than we could contend with. Once, they were humble, housecleaning appliances.
165	I love Thunderstorms !	betty	Done	21	6/10/2019
He had visions of staph infection permeating his body. I must take care of that he frantically thought! Maybe the best remedy would be to accept that you can't do laundry if the power is out. So just relax and admire the autograph. "You rock!
164	Wrapping those Christmas Presents !	betty	Done	23	1/9/2019
With each note I could include a handmade gift tag to indicate who it's from-and-to, but instead I'd really rather use this stick of dynamite! I found in on sale at the Farmer's Daughter market where you can find fresh eggs, potatoes, homemade soap, and bunches of bananas!
163	Let's Set Fire to the Woods	xander	Done	21	12/7/2018
Countless branches were scraping me, leaving thin, red trails across my arms and face. Still, I ran on. I had to take a break and drink some ice cold Mountain Dew and eat a bite of pecan praline nougat covered in sticky napalm, which I made by dissolving Styrofoam in gasoline.
162	Some Kind of Adventure	xander	Done	23	9/10/2018
It was a little scary, thinking how many cosmic rays might be whizzing all around us. What I really wanted to do after listening to all of that was break something. My fury knew no bounds, and I would have my revenge. But first, I needed to build a safety net! I bought a whole bunch of ropes at Ace Hardware and carefully wove them into a really strong basket we could use to swing ourselves across the chasm.
161	That Garage !	betty	Done	22	8/9/2018
What to do?? Well you have to start somewher' Why not start in this corner where there is an unnecessary collection of used tissues.
160	I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?	betty	Done	24	8/3/2018
If I chose Valero.... I could take care of all the litter in the median! And I could become friends with all the nice men in the cute orange jumpsuits who were already out there in the wild blue yonder.
159	A large, healthy tuft of stump grass	bonnie	Done	22	7/18/2018
Granted, the stuff makes you hallucinate, but it tastes like liquid gold. I couldn't imagine walking one more mile without at least a gallon of the stuff on hand, so I started scrounging around for old rags to wipe up the spilled lemonade and the big pool of melted popsicles.
158	Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse	betty	Done	21	7/11/2018
Yes, ...it had to be done..argh. Coming home from Texas I opened up the cabinet door under the sink, and saw a cat.
157	Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus	betty	Done	22	7/6/2017
So a crew of many students vigorously applied their muscle power and with great success, they snapped the toothpick in half. The table full of jocks nearby were laughing their heads off, but little did they know what was lurking behind the door of the Chemistry Lab...
156	San Antonio Vacation	greg	Done	22	5/27/2017
The winner would be able to do it with the least amount of elbow grease....and what a relief that was!
155	Will That Snow Ever Melt? !	betty	Done	21	2/5/2017
All night long it snowed! We did not know what to expect in the morning. Imagine our surprise when we looked out the window and we saw snowflakes floating down from the sky.
154	Different Pizza Toppings	greg	Done	21	1/11/2017
I'm starving!!! I've been waiting for at least 60 minutes we were in a quandary of what to do... We finally decided to DIG IN!
153	But I don't want to!	bonnie	Done	20	11/13/2016
We could probably agree it's the same with grocery shopping: Don't shop when you are hungry! Because if you are hungry, you will probably end up getting frustrated.
152	We Need More Enthusiasm !	betty	Done	22	10/16/2016
That's okay, though, because it wouldn't last very long. Each group had to write an essay explaining the best way for the REST of the groups to be enthusiastic. This was a puzzling topic, so the group decided instead to write about "How to Generate Enthusiasm."
151	Xander's New Dorm Room	bonnie	Done	21	9/9/2016
We all got to see Xander's room for the very first time! It's on the second floor, overlooking the placid lake, so blue and relaxing, and what is that swimming over the surface?
150	Trying to Keep Cool !	betty	Done	22	8/20/2016
Then it was cooler because we switched the fan to counter-clockwise, and that made us feel sleepy. So we immediately went loco.
149	The Stump Vine	bonnie	Done	21	4/26/2016
Besides the regular beef and pepperoni topping, I also had too many solar lights in the yard. A neighbor said I was using up too much sunshine.
148	Laundry	colleen	Done	20	4/2/2016
Everything is washed, dried, and hung on hangers!Woohoo ! There will be no danger of wearing dirty clothes again! Everything is washed, dried, and hung on hangers!Woohoo !
147	It's snowing!!!	colleen	Done	29	2/22/2016
However, I must add more hot if I'm going to have a snowball fight, I need to build a fort! And I will build it out of lots of catnip and wine. What a day we had!!
145	Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!	betty	Done	21	2/5/2016
We were greatly anticipating Bonnie's annual January visit!
144	Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!	colleen	Done	20	1/10/2016
Rearranging the packages I was carrying, put them all off balance and I dropped all of them right into a pool of exceeding clarity. Twenty feet below, I could see the dim sparkle of my diamond watch which had slipped off my wrist.
143	Resolutions for the New Year !	betty	Done	22	1/9/2016
Let's celebrate our resoluting by going out to eat!! I think we should go to the Yoga studio and sign up for some classes. That should really help because my nose would not stop running.
142	Ordering Online Christmas Presents !	betty	Done	21	12/14/2015
The only one who delivers more Christmas presents than UPS! But you know he needs all the help he can get, and you can help by registering all your information on the website, so every time from then on you won't have to type in your office on your clicky-clacky IBM keyboard from 1981.
141	Dual Composters	greg	Done	21	12/13/2015
That way it will be super-easy to make tons of money selling homemade compost !! !!! That way it will be super-easy to make tons of money selling homemade compost !! We positioned it right at the end of a row of green beans. !!! That way it will be super-easy to make tons of money selling homemade compost !!
140	Deli Bologna	greg	Done	22	11/28/2015
Surprised, she tried to scrape off the slimey skin but underneath she was shocked to find a handful of rare and fragrant Allegra roses!
139	Getting Ready for Fall !	betty	Done	21	10/29/2015
Talk about getting ready to fall! Getting ready for falling? Thinking fast, I ran down the hill trying to stay ahead of the rolling pumpkin.
138	Slatherage	greg	Done	21	9/16/2015
Only a very petite model could fit in that dress! And look at the price tag! It cost over $ 500. Worth every penny! Not only was it useful for safely snagging escaped animals, you could also use it for compost.
137	Growing Those Tomatoes !	betty	Done	21	8/1/2015
How peaceful and pretty. But then I spied flying across the full moon, a big hulking tomato like I had never seen! I couldn't believe my eyes! As I cautiously walked closer, a flock of birds which came closer and closer, flew over the tomatoes, came back, flew down and plucked every single tomato off the vines and then flew away !!
136	Midnight snack	colleen	Done	21	6/11/2015
Then through a little crack in the sugary glaze I saw several disgusting guests on late-night talk shows. They were rude, slovenly, and told rambling, barely-coherent stories about parasites. You should be careful about what you watch on TV before you go to bed.
135	That New Smart Phone	betty	Done	22	6/10/2015
I just gave up and started playing Soda Crush. A relaxing game that makes me feel insecure. The only thing that could settle my nerves now would be if I could take some time to remove all the apps I don't like. Yeah like that new Alpha Betty game, it is not exactly fun and reminds me of HAL, the creepy computer in that science fiction movie.
134	NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS	greg	Done	24	6/3/2015
his name must be stricken from the Lamb's Book of Life. That'll teach 'em! GIMME COOKIE!! his name must be stricken from the Lamb's Book of Life.
133	Why me!?!!	colleen	Done	23	6/3/2015
Why me, you ask??? Because you didn't eat your Wheaties or drink your whole milk. No wonder you feel weak and you don't want to see me when I'm angry. A better course of action would be to slap him in the face! Then yell, "Don't you dare ever do anything for you ever again! I'm taking my stuff and packing it into Avon boxes and then, I am going to mail all of it to the businesses who sent me the junk mail in the first place.
132	Backyard Projects	betty	Done	22	5/28/2015
Afterwards, I took some oil and rubbed it on my arms to keep away the mosquitoes. It made them so mad they bit me on the back through my shirt! I swatted them with my trowel in one hand and a watering can in the other, nothing can stop me!
131	Cupcakes!	colleen	Done	22	5/26/2015
Mmmmmmmm! So good! Mmmmm. Mmmmmm gooood!!!! Sweat trickled down his leg and got on the beam, and when he took his next step, he closed his eyes and took the first bite. Mmmmmmmm! So good! Mmmmm. Mmmmmm gooood!!!! But he was nervous! Sweat trickled down his leg and got on the beam, and when he took his next step, he closed his eyes and took the first bite.
129	Climbing Enchanted Rock	betty	Done	21	5/2/2015
My dearest hope is that everyone will be responsible and keep their hands at the 9 o'clock and 3 o'clock positions on the steering wheel as they are driving their golf balls across the pitted rock dome, the sun started to set, and severe angst caused them to sit and have some pie and cookies.
128	I Need to Take a Trip !	betty	Done	22	4/16/2015
It's hazardous to do that because the TSA might take you aside and frisk you! After I walked through the metal detector, I heard someone say, " Mind The Gap!" His authoritative tone irked me, so I took particular care in minding who was sitting next to me.
127	Bonnie's New Tutoring Job	bonnie	Done	27	4/16/2015
How exciting! Getting hired is one of the biggest energy boosts ever! They say the most important thing to consider when deciding to accept a new job is whether or not to include your brief stint as a soldier of fortune. That job took you to the back room to show you where to sit and how long it will take for the next assignment.
126	Getting Ready for New Year's Eve	betty	Done	22	2/18/2015
The cork went flying through the air and landed in the punch bowl! "Quick! Get that out of there before it explodes! We can't have a big mess all over the place when our company arrives!" We are expecting at least 10,000 pounds of bacon being consumed at the synagogue open house.
125	New Year's Resolutions	bonnie	Done	22	12/24/2014
You know, nobody ever changed the world by sitting on a stack of steaming hot pancakes. and drizzle them with Sriracha hot sauce! And habanero sauce! And Colleen's kick-yo-ass hot sauce! Maybe then it will be easier to accomplish.The first rule of making a good resolution is to make it specific.
124	Get Those Presents Wrapped !	betty	Done	22	12/24/2014
Second, you have to get someone to put their finger in the middle of a bow, so you can pull out just as much as you need. Next, take the scissors and curl the ribbon. Make sure every strand of ribbon is curled in a spiral and hangs down over the back of the tongue.
123	We Need a Plumber !	betty	Done	22	12/12/2014
Now what?! I went outside to get a fresh bucket of water, just in case it catches fire. With all the precautions in place, I threw caution to the wind and went for a spin in my Lamborghini Murcielago.
122	Christmas Decorations	bonnie	Done	22	12/12/2014
You'll be driving along and see millions of lights! They must be coming from Harbor Hills Drive! I put my car in first gear and turned onto the street and then what came toward me was a car with a Rudolph nose on the grill and antlers every where!
121	I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!	betty	Done	21	11/28/2014
Down on my hands and knees searching for them I found instead two strange-looking rocks. I could tell they weren't from here, they looked like they were from another planet!!
120	The Great Beyond	xander	Done	21	9/21/2014
We're also going for the ultimate challenge of reaching Mars in less than the time it takes for a comet to become invisible again to the naked eye. A nebula suddenly appeared in my viewfinder, It was huge and did not appear on any map I had seen !
119	Summer	bonnie	Done	20	9/21/2014
So much in fact that I had to cover my eyes with cucumbers slices. This spa was my favorite. It boasted a supersize Beefsteak tomato that must have weighed 10 pounds each.
118	Best Video Game of the Year !	betty	Done	22	8/15/2014
They were next to the Cheetos, Slim Jims, Twizzlers, and a box of Poop. I wondered how it had gotten in there.
117	The best movie EVER!!!	colleen	Done	21	7/18/2014
Should old acquaintance[s] be forgot, and never brought to mind, then I'll never see you again, and that suits me just fine." Then some other people also stood up, put their hands over their hearts, and with great gusto, they sang "
116	What I Saw When I Took A Walk II	greg	Done	23	5/28/2014
That's my peanut butter!! Gimme back my Game Boy !!! Don't you know I can punch you in your face! Take that! I ran away cackling like a slowly creeping snail and everywhere it went it gathered oodles of poodles and strudels with noodles.
115	You know...	bonnie	Done	23	11/10/2013
In the morning. I LOVE IT! It smells like victory and then, when you least expect to find roly poly bugs in the flower pots. One must get rid of them by voting for the Republican candidate!
114	Whatever is on your mind !	betty	Done	24	10/27/2013
Get on him, before he prepared the meal. Good hygiene is always optional when skydiving. It's not like anyone can smell you at 10,000 feet! But by the time you finish your last task, you have run out of time and lost all your money causing you to giggle with delight. You know it's the little things in life that really matter, so go ahead and get an associate's degree in plumbing.
113	Nursery Rhyme	greg	Done	22	10/24/2013
Peter picked a peck of pickled quail eggs. The secret to winning the eating contest is, before the start bell sounds, separate out all the smallest lambs to put into the new Minecraft corral handily built by none other than Jack!
112	Global Warming !	betty	Done	26	8/19/2013
No wait, that's not blood, it's diarrhea. Someone must have manually opened the seal! Now contamination will leak into the pantry and make the sacks of flour wet and the cans of soup rust. Then you will be safely high enough to escape the impending tsunami. We could see it coming it the far distance!
110	Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !	betty	Done	22	4/19/2013
A better strategy is just to start fresh! Get organized! Go for gold! With a GQ (genetic quotient) this high, Jerome Morrow was never meant to be one step down on the podium.
109	Thanksgiving	bonnie	Done	19	12/19/2012
"You look like a street walker!" I exclaimed. "You go to Dollar General to find a knife sharpener but instead you come home with a large group of hungry friends and acquaintances!
108	I Blew Up My Lab!	greg	Done	21	10/26/2012
So bright. So beautiful. prrrecciouusss... Those hobbitses are always stealing from us. Those nasty little roaches were everywhere! Someone must have left food in here! Ah, I found an old lunch bag! And in it were stale pieces of air.
107	Christmas Shopping III	betty	Done	21	2/11/2012
He had a bad habit of eating too much pizza before I go to bed... Then you know what happens! I have to poop! But the only way to get to town to go shopping was to hitchhike!
106	Let's Organize Your Garage !	betty	Done	22	7/25/2011
As he opened them, he said, "Mama used to say life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you might find under all those boxes."
105	Christmas Shopping II	greg	Done	21	2/24/2011
So instead, I had to settle for a bargain bin, discount roll of wrapping paper that was hideous. Imagine if post-impressionism and paisley had a child which then vomited onto a sheet of paper: that would look about twice as nice as this paper.
103	Zombie Attack!	greg	Done	22	6/10/2010
a worker yelled, "You can't bring raw brains in here! Get out! who had just walked in with a tray of hot biscuits. she exclaimed, "I don't want any goopie stuff flying into my face!
102	The Art of Decluttering	betty	Done	21	8/4/2009
And the first thing to do is play a few missions in City Of Heroes just to get your blood flowing.
101	The hathood of the traveling brown hat.	rhonda	Done	21	3/20/2009
This story is about a brown hat. Not just any brown hat, mind you, but specifically it was really a purple hat that was needed. So we walked to the Beatific Bonnet Boutique, looked in the window, and saw just what we wanted: a winning lottery ticket! Right there in the parking lot!
100	The Nephews come to Visit	greg	Done	22	12/9/2008
Cheese again, not after the last debacle. That was something else. It all started when Ethan ran into the living room to take a swing in Greg's new hanging chair, only to discover that he had forgotten his Prozac.
99	Laser Eye Surgery	greg	Done	20	10/3/2008
The doctor beamed and said "Your vision is 20 over 200 and you are definitely a candidate for surgery. First into each eye we will put some Vicodin in your hand.
98	Abiathar the Superhero!	greg	Done	21	4/27/2007
Run away! He jumped over a wall and landed in a huge pool of radioactive sludge. He was in a Vahzlizok strongold! He leapt to his feet, grinned from ear to ear and slammed the Death Wish Mortificator into the bottom of the Hydra's stomach.
97	My New Video Game!	betty	Done	21	3/13/2007
I could hardly wait to get home to play it! I got home, opened the box, and inside I saw a giant strawberry! I could use it to make dessert with. I got my first 100 points with my first 100 kills. That was easy. Now for the next 500 points I would have to load up on missiles and ammo and armor before I woke up I had another dream about the battle!
96	Fixing up my Garden	greg	Done	22	1/29/2007
But they were eating all the leaves off my periwinkles. This calls for action! So I mixed up a poison solution and poured it on the fire to put it out! That was close!
95	Rearranging My New Tech Room	betty	Done	22	1/31/2007
I moved the work table next to the cat food which was really starting to stink!
94	Speeding Down the Highway	betty	Done	21	12/4/2006
They cheered, they waved, and they put the pedal to the metal and zoomed past the hidden radar. Quick as a wink, they saw blue lights in the rear view mirrors, so they hightailed it across the state, carefully avoiding known speed traps, living off of coffee and Slim Jims, and sleeping in the car in Wal-Mart parking lots.
93	Having Surgery	greg	Done	20	12/1/2006
I want every intern to pay attention here. Watch me make this incision, and I don't want anybody to cry when I'm gone.
92	Accountant at Work	greg	Done	21	4/1/2006
well! I couldn't believe my eyes...it was a stack of money from the IRS, because I had overpaid my taxes not just last year, but the past four years as well!
91	What I Saw When I Took a Walk	betty	Done	21	3/31/2006
So I took my cell phone and quickly dialed for help. I was in desperate straits! As soon as possible, I needed to go really bad!
90	Learning a Foreign Language	greg	Done	22	2/4/2006
I decided to take a 4-week crash course on French. I'd never studied a foreign language, but there's no time like the present for developing a smooth accent.
89	Putting out Christmas Lights	betty	Done	21	2/3/2006
We were so happy to get the job finally finished, that we proclaimed a toast to be buttered and jammed in her honor. It became the Christmas Toast. We put it in hyperdrive and watched with glee, when it started to spark and sizzle from all the electricity coursing through it.
88	Lazor Beam Hydra	greg	Done	22	12/16/2005
Come appraize my house, and bring your 5 clipboards! "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!" I laugh with raucous glee.
87	Concert at Chrysler Hall	betty	Done	21	12/14/2005
But it was worth it, because life isn't measured in how many breaths you take, but in how many moments like these, I lift up a song, I lift up a love song, to Jesus! In moments like these, I'm sure glad I use Dial. Don't you wish everybody would have dressed up the way WE did?!!
86	Touring Europe	bonnie	Done	21	12/13/2005
I realized that whichever one of us was driving would really have to pay attention, knowing that they were about to be invaded by Germany again!
85	Christmas Shopping	betty	Done	22	12/1/2005
We bundled up and headed for the mall. But before we got there, we stopped at Starbucks to get revved up. I ordered a quad shot espresso - only problem was by the time we got to the store, my hands were skipping over the keypad like a skilled pianist playing Chopin. I had entered my Visa number so many times, I got a rubber stamp instead.
84	Working at McDonald's	greg	Done	21	12/1/2005
It would seem that fast-food production was more streamlined and technology-driven than even Dilbert could ever imagine! The new kitchen at Mc Donald's could satisfy even a barnyard full of swine.
83	Trip to the Pumpkin Patch	sherry	Done	22	11/7/2005
When the first group saw them, they gasped "What big pumpkins!" They must weigh at least 100 pounds! We could only use them for smashing into peoples' front doors when they had sucky Halloween candy.
82	test2	greg	Done	24	9/16/2015
That's why I wear dorky clothes and spike my hair with glittery gel. Who knows? I might be spotted by the next agency of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. I stepped through the door and fell through a hole in the floor!
81	Going Into Space II	greg	Done	21	10/28/2005
No light speed??? Would it help if I released the emergency brake? She smiled sweetly and pushed the button that sent them all hurtling into a black hole.
80	Taking Computer Class	betty	Done	20	10/27/2005
Ah just kidding! The new teacher was quite a knock-out! Really! Her hair was silver blonde and reached all the way to her cell phone, to call her geeky son.
79	Cooking Show II	greg	Done	21	9/27/2005
exclaimed Kent. "You can't be serious! I know positively that these eggs are fresh! Break this one open and you will see why you should never cook with Spam on television."
78	Potty Training the Twins	betty	Done	21	9/24/2005
The quickest thing I could do was put them into a big cardboard box. If I hurried, I could get to Warehouse Store and buy another 1000 diapers before they go to college!
77	Noisy Neighbors	bonnie	Done	21	9/23/2005
We much have been too noisy ourselves because the neighbors called up and said, "
76	Driving Across Country	betty	Done	22	9/16/2005
I opened the window to breathe some fresh air, but all I could smell was bacon and coffee. That reminded me of when we went camping and we pitched the tent on the side of a hill: When it rained we started sliding down the hill and we landed in a cow patty. Squish.
75	NASCAR Days	greg	Done	21	9/9/2005
I'd better get out of bed and get going, or I'll be wearing my Dale Earnhardt jumpsuit. Nobody can match my collection of his memorabilia. Why I even have his name printed on my flame-retardant suit and on my car, I don't know.
74	Conserving Water	bonnie	Done	22	9/9/2005
And when you go be sure you ask the customer service person there, how to install a low-flow toilet.
73	The Best Diet Ever!	sherry	Done	21	8/31/2005
It's good to keep track of the total number of inches lost around the waist.
72	What a Yard Sale!	betty	Done	20	8/23/2005
When I opened the can of worms it really did turn out to be a can of rattlesnake eggs. You know the old joke. It rattles. There's a warning label. You give it to somebody, and when they open it, 20 bullfrogs will jump out! Won't they be surprised. But the really big surprise was that my daughter's decorated mud pies were selling like crazy!
71	Test Pilot	greg	Done	21	8/17/2005
It all started the day my mechanic called to me, "Captain Mitchell, you had better put down that bottle of Tequila and come look at this." Although having been on a 3 day binge, I tried to rise from my seated position. But as soon as I stood up, my head hit the ceiling!
70	A Day in the Life of a Dork	sherry	Done	21	8/14/2005
stuff like microwaves and the thingies that keep your phone cord from getting tangled, but "cool" stuff like tie-dyed T-shirts and also lots of beaded necklaces which he wore around his head. "Why are you wearing 3-D glasses everywhere you go?"
69	Time for a Checkup!	bonnie	Done	21	8/3/2005
Only problem now was the fact that scratching the rash had left me with less than $5 in my pocket. I could not afford to have them do that diagnostic test, so I told him, "That's okay, I probably don't need both kidneys.
68	Building My New Cat Condo	betty	Done	21	7/10/2005
Like Confucious say, "Cat never full." That's why you have to have a wide base, or else a strong foundation, if you're going to make it that tall.
67	Putting Up Wallpaper	greg	Done	21	6/12/2005
As I prepared the next strip, I suddenly has the urge to pee. But the toilet had been removed! So I went upstairs and screamed to let out the frustration.
66	My Newest Home Improvement Project!	betty	Done	20	5/17/2005
First to Home Depot to load up with materials, plus take a class to teach me how to install a new toilet.
65	Phone Call	bonnie	Done	21	5/9/2005
I said 'NO, you can't touch my eyeball! Get out of my office, you'll never be in the Space Marines!' Then I hung up and dialed the sheriff and asked him to come right away.
64	Airline Pilot	greg	Done	21	4/23/2005
Just give me a second. and see right before our eyes the ground rushing up toward us! No time to lose; the passengers were eating up all the pretzels! Somebody slow them down! Even if you have to jump up and down and sing Yankee Doodle.
63	I'm Not In It For The...	bonnie	Done	21	4/6/2005
And as the crowd watched breathlessly, she flicked her hair back, licked the lipstick off her teeth and proceeded to raise her middle finger for all to see and said, "If it weren't for me, I wouldn't be where I am today."
62	Hosting a Cooking Show	betty	Done	21	4/12/2005
Great. Take them out and smile with satisfaction at that golden-brown glazed finish! Next, add 12 ounces of diced beef. For this I prefer to use a non-stick pan, as opposed to a stick pan.
61	Ain't It Cool?	greg	Done	22	4/7/2005
I got it for 10 cents at the thrift store! Why would anyone want to eat eel? It is just gross to think about: Imagine those slimy, writhing creatures on a plate of lead-free pewter. We're going for a minimalist look here: clean lines, neutral colors.
60	Competing with Starbuck's	bonnie	Done	21	4/2/2005
The bigger the better. The biggest I've ever seen. In fact, so big, that it wouldn't even fit in the grinder. "Where'd you get that bean?" I exclaimed.
59	My First Ocean Cruise	betty	Done	21	3/28/2005
Ha!" Ha! Ha!" Ha! Ha! Ha!" He laughed and exclaimed, "I'm turning this sucker into a waterside museum! Ha! Ha! Ha!" I could have told you he was crazy, and everyone would have agreed with me, but still, no one could believe what he did next: he set the throttle to flank speed, and ran the ship aground, right in the middle of the beach!
58	Captain Underpants	greg	Done	21	3/23/2005
Now they are going to freeze while you walk, and soon you won't be able to have a bowel movement because you'll be so constipated! So why don't you just give it up and go back to using Depends Undergarments?" "I can't believe you just wet your pants!
57	New Year's Resolutions!	bonnie	Done	21	3/18/2005
I gave them to Xander and Ethan to throw away. They enthusiastically ran outside and threw them into the washing machine! "Out with the bad (dirt), in with the good (smell)!" She shouted, to no one in particular.
56	Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon	betty	Done	21	3/13/2005
's deep voice resonated through the room, declaring, " All your base are belong to us, make your time!" Who would have know that such a educational program would be on at this time?
55	Spy Base Alpha	greg	Done	21	3/8/2005
As a result, he was disgraced--and grievously wounded. After he recovered from his coma he discovered he had a new ability: he had heightened awareness of a person's inclinations-- good or evil.
54	Texas Winter	bonnie	Done	20	3/3/2005
Ah the warm desert air blowing from the west, bringing with it a great deal of heat. I wished I'd brought my sunglasses with me. I checked for other supplies: bandoliers, ammo, and flak jackets. Once the weather got really hot them Yankee-land touristers might come hunting for your A/C, and you gotta be prepared.
53	Christmas Shopping - 2004	betty	Done	20	2/26/2005
And it's no wonder: the workers behind the counter looked as if they had been shopping for three days straight! "Ladies! You look exhausted!" The salesman crooned. "Have a seat on this bench while I go into Best Buy.
52	Modeling Agency	greg	Done	21	2/21/2005
What a tragedy. But the show must go on. The rest of you: Take a number and get in line. When you fill in your applications, please include your criminal history, if applicable.
51	All I Need Is...	bonnie	Done	21	2/16/2005
i before e except after c... in which case jelly doughnuts will be your best bet.
50	My Summer at the Archeological Dig	betty	Done	21	2/11/2005
Rare artifacts can fetch a healthy price on the black market, just like scarred old remnants of ancient civilizations. Everywhere was dust. Dust, dust, dust! My hair was matted with mud and straw. We started carefully cleaning it, and were surprised to discover that under the dirt was the wrapper from my Brown Mule.
49	Shopping at Lowe's	greg	Done	20	2/6/2005
And then I wallpapered the bathroom with all my receipts from Lowe's... I had enough to make two layers. The driver groaned, "That's gotta hurt!" And then I wallpapered the bathroom with all my receipts from Lowe's... I had enough to make two layers. Unfortunately as I quickly rounded the corner, I ran right into the forklift!
48	Anorexia Therapy	bonnie	Done	21	2/1/2005
Now that you've realized you have a problem, we need to work on getting some meat on those bones! First, check out this picture of a double whopper with bacon and cheese!
47	Building My New House!	betty	Done	23	1/27/2005
The swimming pool will go there, the miniature golf course there, and the toolshed had to be demolished to make room for the new inground swimming pool which would be reinforced with steel, 3 inches thick.
46	Ultimate Ninja II	greg	Done	21	1/22/2005
As powerful as he was, he couldn't resist by Cloud of Ten Lightning Fists. "For great justice!" I cried, and "All your base are belong to us!" Then I jumped over the wall and into the swirling vortex of fear!
45	Election Day!	betty	Done	21	1/17/2005
Where is your voting card? And don't come in here sniveling like the loser Democrat that you are. Step up to the table and tell me your party affiliation, if you don't mind."
44	A Day in the Life of...	bonnie	Done	20	1/12/2005
When the coast was clear, he opened the new bag of IAMS and sniffed deeply all the way to the bottom of his nest. This was where all the larvae were stored, and must be protected at all costs.
43	High School Carwash	greg	Done	20	1/7/2005
If they aren't stuck to the upholstery. If they are, we can try to use a high powered spray washer with a jet nozzle...or to blow his big hair dryer over the towel-dried car, for a final touch-up. Everyone was impressed by all the water running into the gutter.
42	Pushed Over the Edge	bonnie	Done	21	1/2/2005
This caused him to emit a strange growl-like sound from the base of his throat.
41	Cleaning Out the Garage	betty	Done	21	12/28/2004
"We should tell all the neighbors we have this in case they could use it in their eggs, for breakfast." We then looked at the workbench ; there lay Barrister really liking all the room where he could stretch out, and also he enjoyed the warm sunlight as he stepped out into the fresh air for a little break.
40	HULK SMASH!	greg	Done	20	12/23/2004
Everyone got very quiet. No one knew what to do. Then, Russell Young walked in dragging his dentist, who said, "You don't need those teeth!"
39	Joining the PTA	bonnie	Done	20	12/18/2004
It was easy to relax in here. The smooth, dark polished wood, rich carpeting and drapes, and extensive collection of leather-bound books always served to calm my racing mind.
38	Going to the County Fair	betty	Done	20	12/13/2004
As I turned, the figure yelled, "NINJA!" Insane with panic, I grabbed the blue ribbon watermelon and threw it as hard as I could at the red-faced perpetrator.
37	News at 11	greg	Done	20	12/8/2004
Hurricane Bonnie had wiped out all of the office staff. Without meeting the deadlines on the paperwork, dozens of suspects would go free! Frantically, the police captain called a temp agency. They worked around the clock sweeping all the flood waters out of the newsroom.
36	Investigating Vegetarianism	bonnie	Done	21	12/3/2004
I'd heard about people who were vegetarians, and the various flavors thereof, and was interested to find out more so whenever I became acquainted with one, I would ask for a cheeseburger, hold the meat! Then they would look at me as if they should treat me with pity and gentleness, like one of the dumb animals they're trying to save.
35	Boppy's Trip to Texas	betty	Done	21	11/28/2004
Allow me to remedy this gross inconsistency at once. With that, I began devouring the comestibles with great vigor. "Gross is right, if you're going to put salsa on your breakfast burrito, the eggs should not be runny!
34	Dance Class	bonnie	Done	21	11/23/2004
But was she flexible? instead of actually performing a dance. So she tried it, and her classmates didn't know whether to be impressed or amused. Her ability to spin on her toes was phenomenal. We could only watch in amazement, envying her strength and grace.
33	The Minotaur King	greg	Done	21	11/18/2004
He howled, more in anger than pain for nothing could make a person madder than a knock on the nose. That soft cartilage is so sensitive, so easy to bleed, so tender and kind. I felt much better about the whole situation now that the lands no longer lived under the tyrannical ravages of the Minotaur King, the people would be free to laugh out loud, sleep in on weekends, and eat dessert at any time of day!
32	The Bizarre Bazaar	bonnie	Done	20	11/13/2004
For all of them I would need a room the size of plums! "Ooh. That's very nice," I said, smiling. "No thanks." I tried to be polite but firm. No one in his right mind would ever think of charging $100 for an old rug!
31	My Trip Around the World	betty	Done	21	11/8/2004
I really don't recommend eating that! You know what it will do to you. It will cause itchy feet. That's right. You won't be satisfied to stay at home. You'll want to take another trip as soon as you can.
30	Downtown Precinct	greg	Done	22	11/3/2004
I'm nervous about this, you know. The fact that I'm addicted to placebos doesn't make it any easier. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference. I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
29	Growing Up on a Farm	betty	Done	21	10/29/2004
Clearly the stress of the situation was getting to everyone, but the bickering stopped when we heard a loud explosion coming from the outhouse. Then we realized it was just Sid fartin'. He does that whenever the pigs and hogs won't share their slop. What a mess they make! Well, here's another bucket of swill for them...Splash!
28	The Dinosaur World	bonnie	Done	21	10/24/2004
Why they must be as long as a 50-foot garden hose! Duck!" he screamed. We all hit the dirt as a huge dinosaur tail whooshed over us. We quickly crawled to the police station and cried for help. It was deserted, but we found some newly laid dinosaur eggs.
27	Gardening with Betty	greg	Done	20	10/19/2004
It's a weed. So stomp on it! No, better yet dig it up with a little watering, fertilizing, and TLC, your garden will soon be overflowing with marijuana plants, and then you can make some REAL cashola!
26	On the Open Road	bonnie	Done	21	10/14/2004
He filled up his gas tank and kept going. And then, birds landed on him! So he started singing: "Zippidy doo-dah, zippidy-ey, my o' my what a wonderful day just the kind of day for a hot rod race on the open road. Start your engines!" But all of a sudden there was a big pop, a spluttering, and the sound of an army of motorcycle with the mufflers removed.
25	The International Village	bonnie	Done	21	10/9/2004
I was looking forward to that!" "You're so silly!" Omar said, "We don't need air tanks for that! We can just hold our breath.
24	Weekend in Paris	greg	Done	21	10/4/2004
We hope you enjoy your stay! Surely your first stop will be to eat at an outdoor cafe. There you will be served by a garcon and he will bring you a complimenary flute of champagne, bubbly and faintly smelling of sewer gas.
23	Xander Goes Shopping	betty	Done	22	9/29/2004
Is there a restaurant around here anywhere?" And sure enough there was a Taco Bell right inside the store! So Xander hurried over there and ordered a big Mac with cheese and extra ketchup and Great Biggie Fries.
22	Fart Dictionary	bonnie	Done	21	9/24/2004
We made fun of them because their farts were so soft and quiet. "You have sissy farts! You are a sissy! You are a sissy!" When they heard us say that, they immediately began farting in unison. they're actually farting in harmony! Now that's what I call skilled.
21	Boot Camp	greg	Done	21	9/19/2004
But nooooo, we did more push-ups and then it was time to go to the mess hall. We were rushed through the line, got our trays of food and sat down. When we looked down at our trays, we saw gobs of macaroni and cheese and what I thought were chunks of hot dog.
20	Good Old Pop's Drive-in	betty	Done	21	9/14/2004
The joyful ringing of their laughter reached all the way to Route 17. Traffic was stopping just to listen. Pretty soon the whole parking lot was full of chicken nuggets! Hundreds of them! Crate after crate of chicken nuggets! "This isn't right!" I exclaimed.
19	Going Back to College	betty	Done	21	9/9/2004
I couldn't believe it. All I could do was look around in amazement. "All these books must be at least a hundred years old!"
18	If You Give a Mouse a Cookie	bonnie	Done	21	9/4/2004
"Hello, Mr. Martin! Do you have any CHEESE?!! We want CHEESE!! We ain't had nothin' to eat for three stinkin' days but this moldy bread. Yeah, and we need some meats! And to go with that some milk!" And if you give him some milk, he will lap it up very delicately all the while holding his little pinky high in the air.
17	Our Summer Vacation	betty	Done	21	8/30/2004
I don't think I want to go down that again! It scared me too much and when I got to the bottom, I hit a Honda Civic! But since I was in a Hummer, i just kind of rolled over him and kept on going." "That's terrible, who would have thought ice cream could melt so fast! Hurry we need to try to refreeze it!
16	Trapped in a Mine	greg	Done	21	8/25/2004
There was a whole box of dynamite that someone had left behind. Hey maybe this will work out after all! So he took one stick, and he cut it into one inch pieces and used them to start a fire.
14	Our Visit to the Library	bonnie	Done	21	8/15/2004
REVENGE IS SWEET, AND A DISH BEST SERVED COLD!!" By this time the cops had arrived and everything got very confusing after that. I realized this was a good opportunity to get out of there, so I quietly nudged past the jostling, shouting crowd, resisting the temptation to tear out the pages of the 1500-page unabridged dictionary and start making ragged origami with them.
13	Stress Reduction Techniques	bonnie	Done	23	8/10/2004
That is an excellent way to direct energy. Positive in through the nose, negative out through the chimney and up, up, the explosion launched debris 30 feet into the air.
12	My New Job at Burger King	betty	Done	20	8/5/2004
Who in the world let that happen?! The early morning drive-thru lane was already backing up. Should we use the meat anyway, or should we ask the customers to leave and go somewhere that doesn't suck?
11	Cooking with Grandma	betty	Done	22	7/31/2004
Come and sample some of these fresh-baked biscuits with homemade apple butter and freshly churned butter. You cannot beat the taste! Eating these every day will make you feel like a million bucks! This will pep you up: a nice hot cup of hot tea!
10	Ultimate Ninja	greg	Done	22	7/26/2004
Now... I'll kill YOU!" And with that, they clapped the dust off their hands, clapped each other on the shoulders in appreciation and camaraderie, and clapped a leather helmet on everybody's head. Then they all stood in a circle and shouted the team's motto long and loud.
8	Wall Street Blues	greg	Done	22	7/16/2004
And the name of it was "Ackerson Savings & Loans & Stuff". It had been in business for 20 years, but it had to be demolished to make way for a Stop-n-Go.
7	Going into Space	betty	Done	21	7/11/2004
So they hurried to put on their Superman underwear, because it was as inspiring as nothing else is. Thusly donned, they left--earning strange stares since the underwear was actually their outerwear.
5	Ye Olde Medieval Days	betty	Done	21	7/1/2004
Count Muenster, along with the Earl of Sandwich, agreed to approach the Duke, but first the catapult must be reloaded. So everyone got together and loaded it with sausage.
4	Barrister the Lawyer Cat	betty	Done	21	6/26/2004
The shopkeeper couldn't believe it! What was happening?!! Here was the judge, jury, attorneys, the whole court coming into his store!
3	The Big Conundrum	betty	Done	21	6/21/2004
You know how to get them out of your leg, don't you? You take a thin stick and snap it in two with a single karate chop.
2	Woo baby!	greg	Done	21	6/16/2004
However, how formidable could he be? Considering his cache of armor, he chose a shield, a big one, because his heart was gripped with fear that he would become dragon food: flame-broiled, crispy baby back ribs smothered in a tempting and tasty blanket of spicy hot peppers and smothered in cheese!
1	Big Computer	greg	Done	18	6/11/2004
In fact, he still had enough time to play another game of Warlords Battlecry. Being only 10 battles away from finishing another campaign, he was anxious to see which orb he would get next. So immediately he began to jump up and down and sing "Yankee Doodle." Everyone was so inspired by his shameless act of pariotism, they stood up and applauded with great gusto, knowing full well that as soon as they sat back down, they would know that this was the end of the world as they knew it.