Story ID | Title | Creator | Status | Num Entries | Date Finished
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174 | Springtime in Virginia | betty | Done | 22 | 12/27/2022 |
Hmmm... I think I would like some more lilacs, because they smell so good. I can plant them one by one all lining the sidewalk. When they bloom they will look as if they are marching, and when the neighbors see them, they will exclaim, " and I'll say, "Well, there's the Spam, egg, sausage, and Spam...
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173 | Daylight Saving Time ! | betty | Done | 23 | 4/21/2021 |
No one was able to react in time, and it landed, with a hollow skitter-clatter, on the tile floor, impossibly unbroken. There was a collective exhale and then an immediate inhale, because the last thing we wanted was a fainting crowd!
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172 | A Winter Day in the Wilderness | bonnie | Done | 22 | 2/15/2021 |
Infuriated, he snorted, and the breath was visible in the cold air. The hills echoed with his bellow of rage, and remnants of soft verses of Psalmic peace. I was at a loss. How should I feel? I chose to feel enraged and offended. I pulled out one of my several protest signs and started swinging it like a battle axe.
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171 | Oh, the weather outside is frightful... | betty | Done | 22 | 12/31/2020 |
And since we've got no place to go, we'll stay home and play Carcassonne. Actually, it's an introvert's dream, this whole solitary isolation business. Nobody ever bothers you, and you have basically infinite free time.
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170 | The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! | betty | Done | 23 | 1/13/2020 |
But anyway, that's okay because we'll fry it later. So, as for sides, we wanted Greg's famous Sweet Potato Casserole, Bonnie's famous Homemade Stuffing, and most of all, Xander's famous bread!
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169 | A Breath of Fresh Air | bonnie | Done | 22 | 11/15/2019 |
The old ladies chuckled, ash sprinkling from the tips of their cigars.
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168 | Toiling at 3 a.m. | betty | Done | 22 | 10/13/2019 |
LaLaLeiya was watching me wondering... taking a crap in my front yard? I work hard getting this grass just the way I like it, and now you're ruining it.
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167 | The Reckoning of the Kiwis | xander | Done | 22 | 7/28/2019 |
Yeah, like actual dust from a fairy, we couldn't believe it. A little dude with wings showed up with a handful of sparkly crap. Anyway, it backfired horribly: we were just covered in kiwi fruit puree and crushed red cherries and pineapple.
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166 | Somebody's Gotta Do It ! | betty | Done | 22 | 7/8/2019 |
the robovac started sucking up my sock! Within a second, it had pulled it right off my foot, and then I heard ripping sounds, and I realized it was tearing my sock apart!
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165 | I love Thunderstorms ! | betty | Done | 21 | 6/10/2019 |
Thunderstorms was never known for his verbosity. He wasn't known for much besides being a great wrestler.
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164 | Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! | betty | Done | 23 | 1/9/2019 |
And everyone vowed, "I won't stop until I get my revenge on you!" It was then I finally realized as I reflected on everything that had happened, that this had truly been the best Christmas ever!
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163 | Let's Set Fire to the Woods | xander | Done | 21 | 12/7/2018 |
Oh yeah, also while we are here, I would like to have a picnic! Yeah! I can bring roast beef sandwiches, and you can bring a few bottles of beer!
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162 | Some Kind of Adventure | xander | Done | 23 | 9/10/2018 |
Amazed, I watched while the panel I'd kicked receded, and the door slowly creaked open.... I was so afraid to look. I just shut my eyes really tight and slowly scooted backward into the nearby escape pod.
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161 | That Garage ! | betty | Done | 22 | 8/9/2018 |
NOT THOSE!!" Exasperated, I loaded my shotgun. No more screwing around. Sometimes, only brute force can solve a problem.
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160 | I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? | betty | Done | 24 | 8/3/2018 |
I could take care of all the litter in the median! And I could become friends with all the nice men in the cute orange jumpsuits who were already out there in the wild blue yonder.
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159 | A large, healthy tuft of stump grass | bonnie | Done | 22 | 7/18/2018 |
Even worse, deflated balloons were starting to droop into it, getting sticky, like ponderous, buoyant doughnuts glazing themselves.
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158 | Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse | betty | Done | 21 | 7/11/2018 |
Wild animals belong back in their natural habitats which could be the jungle, savannah, or maybe the deep, dark secrets of the mind. Who knows what lurks within the heart of man? The Shadow knows.
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157 | Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus | betty | Done | 22 | 7/6/2017 |
The table full of jocks nearby were laughing their heads off, but little did they know what was lurking behind the door of the Chemistry Lab... They all trooped in and lo, and behold, there waiting for them was Hulk Hogan! He was going to teach them a new school anthem.
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156 | San Antonio Vacation | greg | Done | 22 | 5/27/2017 |
I exclaimed, as I tried to climb over the fence, but scintillating disco balls blinded me and I couldn't continue! The light was brilliant! So bright I had to shield my eyes with my hands and with a soft folded napkin lovingly wrapped around, I placed the tombstone behind the fresh grave, as requested.
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155 | Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! | betty | Done | 21 | 2/5/2017 |
Ain't that something! We could use the snowblower we borrowed from Danny. I am sure he won't mind if we use it to insulate the garden from the cold. Another good way to do that would be to sprinkle that special salt all over the road.
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154 | Different Pizza Toppings | greg | Done | 21 | 1/11/2017 |
Or, you could try sopping up the grease with handfuls of brand new copper pennies! How pretty! Now I will take a snapshot with my new neighbors. It can be hard to come up with a combination of pizza toppings that will please everyone in the group, but if you stick olives with toothpicks on the pizza, there could be tragic results...like wasting pizza!
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153 | But I don't want to! | bonnie | Done | 20 | 11/13/2016 |
We are sick and tired of it. I put it into the same category as washing the dog: every day is overkill, but waiting a month is too long." We could probably agree it's the same with grocery shopping: Don't shop when you are hungry!
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152 | We Need More Enthusiasm ! | betty | Done | 22 | 10/16/2016 |
Do I need to attend a focus group? And if I did, who would be there? Well, obviously Buzz, Moocher, Ace, The Kid, and Big Toot will be there. Other than that, who would be there? Maybe some hopeful whiners and a few frowning judges.
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151 | Xander's New Dorm Room | bonnie | Done | 21 | 9/9/2016 |
Oh well, at least the green bar of soap was not down to a sliver yet, and the roommate had brought his own pile of funky smelling shoes. Xander didn't care since he had a trick to combat the roaches and mice that had invaded the dorm. Just put in the corners of every room little bowls of microwave popcorn.
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150 | Trying to Keep Cool ! | betty | Done | 22 | 8/20/2016 |
Were you trying to scrape wallpaper off with them or something? Have you no respect for running into the back of me?? Look at that big dent! Why, it is as big as a polar bear!
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149 | The Stump Vine | bonnie | Done | 21 | 4/26/2016 |
In fact, the bark is so smooth, yet at the same time it is also dying! That's the second stump vine to die this season. I had no idea it would handle the change in climate so poorly, from indoors moving to Alaska was going to be monumental!
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148 | Laundry | colleen | Done | 20 | 4/2/2016 |
The only container I could find was a big plastic laundry basket. One big one should be all I need. More than that would mean I would have to spend the next 3 hours sorting it!
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147 | It's snowing!!! | colleen | Done | 29 | 2/22/2016 |
What a day we had!! But Winter is almost over!! In just a few days, we went home. So, all's well that ends well, and we ate cake and pie. And I will build it out of lots of catnip and wine. What a day we had!! But Winter is almost over!! In just a few days, we went home.
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145 | Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! | betty | Done | 21 | 2/5/2016 |
So we packed the extra stuff into a priority box and sent it to Hell in a handbasket! And there to welcome it into eternal damnation was none other than Xander and Ethan who decided to come for a visit too!!!
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144 | Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! | colleen | Done | 20 | 1/10/2016 |
I gingerly circumnavigated the sharp rocks and came upon an enormous double cheeseburger. It must have weighed two pounds. It almost covered the plate! Next to it was a plastic pot containing a pitiful plant, nearly dead from lack of internet service.
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143 | Resolutions for the New Year ! | betty | Done | 22 | 1/9/2016 |
So I put on my hat, opened the door, walked out on to the front porch, and stepped into a new suit! Perfectly pressed and tailored, it did wonders for my mood, and I felt so happy and confident, I called up all my friends and invited them over for a little thing we like to call an "Intervention."
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142 | Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! | betty | Done | 21 | 12/14/2015 |
!! That would be SANTA!! The only one who delivers more Christmas presents than UPS!
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141 | Dual Composters | greg | Done | 21 | 12/13/2015 |
That's right. It turned over layer by layer as I rotated the barrel. I expected a bad odor, but all I smelled was the thick, sticky smoke from Stevens' smouldering burn pile. I told him I could compost those yard clippings, but he said " Stop looking at my bum and get on with your work!"
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140 | Deli Bologna | greg | Done | 22 | 11/28/2015 |
Horrible ! How did they get there? !! They must have come from the bottom of the fridge, behind puddles of spilled condiments and half-rotted vegetables. The odor of it all made me swell with joy. Smiling, eyes closed, I took a little taste....yum...How delightful.
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139 | Getting Ready for Fall ! | betty | Done | 21 | 10/29/2015 |
Better get out that rake because the leaves will be coming down ! You should first lubricate the tines with a little dribble of maple syrup.
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138 | Slatherage | greg | Done | 21 | 9/16/2015 |
All he had to do was gesture and we got the gist. Against my better judgement, I thought I would peer down into the hole I found in the back yard, and suddenly up popped a sloth!
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137 | Growing Those Tomatoes ! | betty | Done | 21 | 8/1/2015 |
Angry and frustrated, I threw it into a tub of warm soapy water hoping I could soak out the blood. When I looked into the tub a few minutes later, much to my amazement I saw the tomato vine growing taller & taller right before my eyes!
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136 | Midnight snack | colleen | Done | 21 | 6/11/2015 |
Now where is that whipped cream and those sugared syrupy pasta dishes, which are only appropriate for Christmastime! You need to remember: it's candy, candy canes, candy corns, and the last of the four main food groups: I cannot even remember because they keep changing the pyramid.
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135 | That New Smart Phone | betty | Done | 22 | 6/10/2015 |
I am sitting on the front porch now watching for the app to close without losing my patience with it. Instead I decided to add a new game app.
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134 | NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS | greg | Done | 24 | 6/3/2015 |
When you're buying tickets for entertainment purposes, it's best if you just ignore this storyline because it does not have one. Who thought this up anyway?? It must have been Mr. Carrington, the newspaper deliveryman! He was known for being obnoxious to the nth degree.
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133 | Why me!?!! | colleen | Done | 23 | 6/3/2015 |
Isn't real life reality enough? Instead they should think how they would feel in that situation. Only then can a person really have the courage to stand up before an audience and give a rallying speech.
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132 | Backyard Projects | betty | Done | 22 | 5/28/2015 |
But, why then could he not get off his duff and help me?!! Sweat was running into my eyes, mosquitoes were biting me, and worst of all, the only solution I could find online was to use pesticide.
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131 | Cupcakes! | colleen | Done | 22 | 5/26/2015 |
Then I added multi-colored sprinkles and a few well-placed dabs of icing. Decorating is the part that's the most fun. Be creative! You can use sprinkles, candy, curls of chocolate...even tiny toys or other unusual options such as little Hulk faces made of butter and green-colored strips of bacon, ground-up meatballs, and garnished with chicken wings.
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129 | Climbing Enchanted Rock | betty | Done | 21 | 5/2/2015 |
You will see gigantic rocks like you have never seen before! I nudged up against one, and it started to move toward a shady spot under a rock.
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128 | I Need to Take a Trip ! | betty | Done | 22 | 4/16/2015 |
If I tried to take a Koala cub home, I am sure the airport authorities would introduce me to Connor Trinneer, AKA Trip Tucker from Star Trek: Enterprise!
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127 | Bonnie's New Tutoring Job | bonnie | Done | 27 | 4/16/2015 |
That job took you to the back room to show you where to sit and how long it will take for the next assignment.
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126 | Getting Ready for New Year's Eve | betty | Done | 22 | 2/18/2015 |
And right on top I would squirt a big dollop of mayonnaise. It's good for you! It's Regular Ordinary Swedish meal time flies when you're having fun! Or as the famous Latin phrase puts it: " Carpe Noctem !" So we worked through the night putting the final touches on the family portrait.
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125 | New Year's Resolutions | bonnie | Done | 22 | 12/24/2014 |
Just make sure you stop at the first sign of feeling faint. And now you know how to make your neighbors your best friends for life !Just walk over, knock on their door and with great enthusiasm, say, "
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124 | Get Those Presents Wrapped ! | betty | Done | 22 | 12/24/2014 |
The first step is to acquire the presents. Second, you have to get someone to put their finger in the middle of a bow, so you can pull out just as much as you need.
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123 | We Need a Plumber ! | betty | Done | 22 | 12/12/2014 |
It's okay to rent those because they disinfect them with a substance called Liquid Nails which I bought online from a company named Tethys, after the Titaness of fresh water." Hopefully we would get some fresh water out of this.
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122 | Christmas Decorations | bonnie | Done | 22 | 12/12/2014 |
Now that's classy! Another thing to consider: Christmas dinner table centerpieces.
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121 | I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! | betty | Done | 21 | 11/28/2014 |
We're doing an intervention." Of course, this was completely ludicrous to me because I always like to play solo and joining a team at this juncture would be such a bad idea that my Hot Pockets supply would be depleted, and I would also run out of a deep dark tunnel lined with spider webs and hanging from the ceiling were bats!
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120 | The Great Beyond | xander | Done | 21 | 9/21/2014 |
This time, we're going for permanence! We're also going for the ultimate challenge of reaching Mars in less than the time it takes for a comet to become invisible again to the naked eye. A nebula suddenly appeared in my viewfinder, It was huge and did not appear on any map I had seen !
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119 | Summer | bonnie | Done | 20 | 9/21/2014 |
It boasted a supersize Beefsteak tomato that must have weighed 10 pounds each. "How could you think we would need this much sun tan lotion?!! We have only so many square inches of skin! Plus during the heat of the day we will be under the gun to finish all fun and games we'd been planning on having a big family picnic; so we called everyone and asked them each to bring a basket of posies, so we could dance around them and sing morbid songs about the bubonic plague.
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118 | Best Video Game of the Year ! | betty | Done | 22 | 8/15/2014 |
Anyone with half a brain should know better than to listen to loud rap music while playing such an intense video game! Why if I had not been concentrating, my handsome hero would surely have fallen into debt.
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117 | The best movie EVER!!! | colleen | Done | 21 | 7/18/2014 |
There was no way to get out! I looked and looked for the EXIT sign, but all I saw was a blur. It never occurred to me to just tell the guy in front of me to turn off his cell phone screen. But when I did, he proceeded to buy advance tickets for EVERY opening show for the next year!!!
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116 | What I Saw When I Took A Walk II | greg | Done | 23 | 5/28/2014 |
OOOH ! Fortunately, I landed on my feet on a big pile of money. I said "Gimme that money!" But he said, You are under arrest!
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115 | You know... | bonnie | Done | 23 | 11/10/2013 |
We had to seek shelter fast or we would be doomed for sure.
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114 | Whatever is on your mind ! | betty | Done | 24 | 10/27/2013 |
But you couldn't tell because your pants are on fire! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call the plumber! This is a job for a professional! Do not try to eat beans that have not been cooked long enough.. They may cause a tremendous amount of gas and you will feel quite light-headed.
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113 | Nursery Rhyme | greg | Done | 22 | 10/24/2013 |
Counting sheep didn't work. Warm milk goes down like silk. But warm tea goes down like vanilla pudding: smooth and chewed just as if it came out of a brand new electric stirring mechanism. So now if you have peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, or peas porridge in the pot nine days old, you can be assured it will be well-stirred even if you're not around.
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112 | Global Warming ! | betty | Done | 26 | 8/19/2013 |
We went to the dealership, looked into the showroom, and we saw a brand spanking new Interstellar G9X Ion-Charged Singularity Accelerator. This thing could wipe out a whole solar system. To ensure it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands, I wrapped it in brown paper, tied it up with twine, and hid it in the attic.
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110 | Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! | betty | Done | 22 | 4/19/2013 |
I maybe had enough to get by without doing laundry. With that load off my mind, I turned my attention to the Mack truck that was barreling down the road, straight towards me!
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109 | Thanksgiving | bonnie | Done | 19 | 12/19/2012 |
Even on Thanksgiving! Now doesn't a bacon Philly cheesesteak sound good right now instead of an ol' plastic one.
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108 | I Blew Up My Lab! | greg | Done | 21 | 10/26/2012 |
Please contact..." I couldn't make out the rest of the ad because tears had already begun to dissolve the ink, which ran like charcoal wisps of liquidated dreams down the face of the page. As I sat in the middle of the smouldering wreckage of my lab, I wept quietly to myself for a long, long time.
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107 | Christmas Shopping III | betty | Done | 21 | 2/11/2012 |
It was as easy as pie to pick out a bunch of gifts to be sent to his room for being such a bad boy.
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106 | Let's Organize Your Garage ! | betty | Done | 22 | 7/25/2011 |
This is the way to do it: First, stack up the ammo boxes you have scattered all over the floor. How can you expect to be able to deal with the revenooers properly if all your ordnance is in such slaphappy disorder? Put them back into the empty egg cartons where they will be safe.
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105 | Christmas Shopping II | greg | Done | 21 | 2/24/2011 |
If you make one false move, I will take care of you by spiking the Christmas punch bowl with Jack Daniels! If you want to have a proper Tennessee smooth-sippin' holiday that's the only way."
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103 | Zombie Attack! | greg | Done | 22 | 6/10/2010 |
It was a quiet, bright morning in Uptown Suburbia, USA. I went outside to water my plants, when suddenly I heard the deep guttural voice of a zombie!
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102 | The Art of Decluttering | betty | Done | 21 | 8/4/2009 |
The best teachers for this activity are female ! But that's OK! As a male, I know how to get things done. And the first thing to do is play a few missions in City Of Heroes just to get your blood flowing. The next thing to do would be have a fire sale! Anything that didn't get sold would become kindling for the bonfire that would be against my better judgment to put the white underwear into the same drawer as the colored butterflies streamed through the sewer line so fast that everyone thought, "
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101 | The hathood of the traveling brown hat. | rhonda | Done | 21 | 3/20/2009 |
This story is about a brown hat. Not just any brown hat, mind you, but specifically it was really a purple hat that was needed. So we walked to the Beatific Bonnet Boutique, looked in the window, and saw just what we wanted: a winning lottery ticket! Right there in the parking lot!
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100 | The Nephews come to Visit | greg | Done | 22 | 12/9/2008 |
A tall glass of lemonade would taste good after eating that Pop Burger, he was still hungry, so he ordered another one!
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99 | Laser Eye Surgery | greg | Done | 20 | 10/3/2008 |
Rhonda exclaimed, "While you're in there, why don't you get me a metal prod so I can get behind the eyeball and repair the side of my car that the guy smashed into when he was trying to park, cuz he couldn't see worth a darn."
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98 | Abiathar the Superhero! | greg | Done | 21 | 4/27/2007 |
Abiathar needs Artorios's help. So Abiathar asked him to pass the potatoes. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we do some serious bashing! After dinner, he got to his feet and threw a zombie up in the air with his Jawbreaker, while at the same time he grabbed a troll by the ankle, spun him around and launched him into orbit with one flick of his manly wrist.
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97 | My New Video Game! | betty | Done | 21 | 3/13/2007 |
I got my first 100 points with my first 100 kills. That was easy. Now for the next 500 points I would have to load up on missiles and ammo and armor before I woke up I had another dream about the battle! This time the robot enemies chased me into a cave full of ogres! I knew I had to think fast.
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96 | Fixing up my Garden | greg | Done | 22 | 1/29/2007 |
Always offering unsolicited advice. I've got half a mind to take a nap in the nearby hammock. Last summer I had installed the hammock between two pillars made of marble. They were 30 feet tall, 2 feet wide, and frankly they stink and I don't want them in my garden anymore.
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95 | Rearranging My New Tech Room | betty | Done | 22 | 1/31/2007 |
They would love this pretty new space complete with not one but two cores per CPU, giving it inherent multiprocessing power. Not only would games run faster, but I could never banish the cats from the tech room even though they often wreak havoc with the local radio stations.
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94 | Speeding Down the Highway | betty | Done | 21 | 12/4/2006 |
That's how slippery this car is. It moves through air like a hot knife through butter. Like a tax hike in a Democrat controlled Congress." I didn't want to argue, so I pretended to be listening to Bill O'Reilly on the radio.
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93 | Having Surgery | greg | Done | 20 | 12/1/2006 |
Bubbling vials, Jacobs Ladders, and incomprehensible surgical tools everywhere added to the effect. the spindly, gray-skinned doctor intoned. "I hope you have a good insurance policy, because you are SURELY going to need it!" This bold statement caused a huge increase in his medical malpractice insurance premiums.
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92 | Accountant at Work | greg | Done | 21 | 4/1/2006 |
When he heard the news, he fell forward on his desk forgetting that right in front of his face was his leftover lunch, a big bowl of candies for visitors to help themselves to. We also put out a wide variety of chewed pencils which seemed to be coated with a sticky layer of Glue-Stik glue, the kind you get from the Dollar Store.
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91 | What I Saw When I Took a Walk | betty | Done | 21 | 3/31/2006 |
I peeked around and suddenly saw that someone was peeking back at me! It was none other than Mr. T, leaning out the window of his 1982 GMC van, yelling, "Get out of the road, sucka!" I ran toward the van to try and get his autograph, but he growled, "I ain't got time for your jibba-jabba, fool!"
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90 | Learning a Foreign Language | greg | Done | 22 | 2/4/2006 |
Actually it is harder than quantum physics! That's why one time I was talking to Dr.
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89 | Putting out Christmas Lights | betty | Done | 21 | 2/3/2006 |
They were givin away a big pink inflatable heart for Valentine's Day, which was just around the corner, and there it was: a brand new Hobby Shop stocked with every kind of Christmas light you could imagine!
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88 | Lazor Beam Hydra | greg | Done | 22 | 12/16/2005 |
You're no match for our shoulder-mounted quantum rocket launchers!" Without further ado or hesitation, he pulled out his Equalizor, opening very carefully the hatch, and peering in; there seemed to be a strange odor drifting out.
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87 | Concert at Chrysler Hall | betty | Done | 21 | 12/14/2005 |
I was thinking Goldman and Sachs. I asked, and they said please to take our seats immediately! The maestro was heading down the center aisle was Hulk Hogan! he howled, and the audience began to shuffle their feet with boredom. That restless sound soon reached the top balcony, where our VIP seats were.
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86 | Touring Europe | bonnie | Done | 21 | 12/13/2005 |
I was a little apprehensive as we rented a car in the first country on our tour: England. I realized that whichever one of us was driving would really have to pay attention, knowing that they were about to be invaded by Germany again!
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85 | Christmas Shopping | betty | Done | 22 | 12/1/2005 |
I ordered a quad shot espresso - only problem was by the time we got to the store, my hands were skipping over the keypad like a skilled pianist playing Chopin. I had entered my Visa number so many times, I got a rubber stamp instead.
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84 | Working at McDonald's | greg | Done | 21 | 12/1/2005 |
"Those are out of circulation!" Bill exclaimed. the customer replied smugly. "It's legal tender. See? It says right here: "This product may contain peanuts and for those persons with allergies, it may cause severe difficulty in operating a vehicle or other heavy equipment!"
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83 | Trip to the Pumpkin Patch | sherry | Done | 22 | 11/7/2005 |
Cool weather, piles of leaves, hay rides and finding the perfect pumpkin! What could be better? Our annual trek to the pumpkin patch had finally arrived and I was going to check out the gift shop.
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82 | test2 | greg | Done | 24 | 9/16/2015 |
What are you thinking?! = Waa waa waa waa I'm all out of cough syrup!!!!!!!! You can't be sewious! Back to the Battle!!!!!
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81 | Going Into Space II | greg | Done | 21 | 10/28/2005 |
Because you don't want to get scurvy when you're halfway to getting your Junior Astronaut degree! Now all you need to do is finish these cheetos while making some last minute calculations to ensure our safe arrival back to earth.
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80 | Taking Computer Class | betty | Done | 20 | 10/27/2005 |
You cannot leave the classroom until you have erased all your data, then you get to start all over!! HA! Now take this CD and put it where the sun don't shine - cuz you're never gonna pass this course anyway. The one thing I learned from this was touch-typing on a split keyboard is really cool.
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79 | Cooking Show II | greg | Done | 21 | 9/27/2005 |
Break this one open and you will see why you should never cook with Spam on television." (laugh track) "To start with, crack these eggs, whip them up, and blend them into your stock pot. Next, chop the garlic into tiny bits at least small enough to fit into a cupcake holder!
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78 | Potty Training the Twins | betty | Done | 21 | 9/24/2005 |
We used snow shovels most of the time, but sometimes we used cloth diapers when we ran out of all the clean air in the house was being gradually contaminated by the encroaching fog of green stench. We had to go to Sam's Club to buy the biggest bag of M&M's and while we were there we also bought a big box of Tide detergent!
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77 | Noisy Neighbors | bonnie | Done | 21 | 9/23/2005 |
They aren't just noisy, they are very dirty people too! I just hate having to pick up all their 10-pound weights on the floor. I mean it.
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76 | Driving Across Country | betty | Done | 22 | 9/16/2005 |
We will probably end up going into a rest area to collect tourist pamphlets for the area. Of course, while we're there, we'll check out the local caves. I know it will be cool in there, and who knows? We might find some interesting local folks to talk to.
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75 | NASCAR Days | greg | Done | 21 | 9/9/2005 |
If you blow a tire and hit the fence, you know what could happen: spontaneous decapitation.
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74 | Conserving Water | bonnie | Done | 22 | 9/9/2005 |
You don't need to flush the toilet every time you use it. Flush it only when you go number two. Or if it's really raining, then you better run out with every bowl or bucket you have. It may be your only chance to go to the bathroom before we do our one and only daily flush.
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73 | The Best Diet Ever! | sherry | Done | 21 | 8/31/2005 |
I could eat them all day, breakfast lunch and dinner. That's why I always go to the salad bar. Then I can pick out veggies that have the lowest number of meals per day.
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72 | What a Yard Sale! | betty | Done | 20 | 8/23/2005 |
Delighted, I said, "This has been such a success, let's have a yard sale every weekend!" The grass was all mashed down, because all the people had found such great bargains, and were so delighted, they asked us if we would consider administering a state-wide network of yard sales from an executive highrise in Manhattan.
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71 | Test Pilot | greg | Done | 21 | 8/17/2005 |
And only I know the code to release them. Moo-ha ha! One more flyover and I will punch in the control panel, because obviously it's not doing any good! I expect a response from the navigator because I really think we are lost! I don't recognize anything down below.
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70 | A Day in the Life of a Dork | sherry | Done | 21 | 8/14/2005 |
"Why are you wearing 3-D glasses everywhere you go?" I asked.
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69 | Time for a Checkup! | bonnie | Done | 21 | 8/3/2005 |
I hear those things can really mess you up. But when I got there, the doctor said "Ma'am, I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but that's not how you're supposed to wear the hospital gown." Well, I didn't see what the big deal was. After all, I was healthy as a horse!
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68 | Building My New Cat Condo | betty | Done | 21 | 7/10/2005 |
So to save floor space, you could try cement ing your mouth shut and let me do the thinking, OK? Now it should be simple to fix. All I have to do is take all this extra cat litter and put it in the display case at the local Pet Store. It will spark so much interest, you'll be building the biggest mega-cat-condo in the world!
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67 | Putting Up Wallpaper | greg | Done | 21 | 6/12/2005 |
But the toilet had been removed! So I went upstairs and screamed to let out the frustration. Then I went back downstairs and fixed myself a meatball lunch pocket. It was so good, I licked it again.
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66 | My Newest Home Improvement Project! | betty | Done | 20 | 5/17/2005 |
I almost lost it - not only were there woodchips in my sandwich, but now my favorite electric tool was perfect for sanding the hardwood floor prior to refinishing it.
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65 | Phone Call | bonnie | Done | 21 | 5/9/2005 |
As a Space Marine, you'll have a 40mm shoulder-mounted plasma thrower, 30cm vibroblade, and of course a standard simple telephone table is all that you need.
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64 | Airline Pilot | greg | Done | 21 | 4/23/2005 |
In a few seconds I will be unconscious from the lack of cabin pressure! I have to act quickly. I open the supply cabinet and what do I find? whoa, a flashback to me graduation party. I better get my head on straight because I have to be able to see out the cockpit window.
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63 | I'm Not In It For The... | bonnie | Done | 21 | 4/6/2005 |
Start wiping with this ring, I thee wed." And as the crowd watched breathlessly, she flicked her hair back, licked the lipstick off her teeth and proceeded to raise her middle finger for all to see and said, "If it weren't for me, I wouldn't be where I am today."
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62 | Hosting a Cooking Show | betty | Done | 21 | 4/12/2005 |
My first appearance on TV! MY own Cooking Show! The studio kitchen was sparkling, brand new appliances, and plenty of brandy. That helps takes the edge off when you get too stressed. Got your expensive Ginsu knives?? Great. Take them out and smile with satisfaction at that golden-brown glazed finish!
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61 | Ain't It Cool? | greg | Done | 22 | 4/7/2005 |
We can tell because your clothes look so cool, they have to be made in Greenland by eskimos. And your hair needs more color! More punk colors: here, stripe your hair with this purple and this pink!
That will make you look like Fonzie.
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60 | Competing with Starbuck's | bonnie | Done | 21 | 4/2/2005 |
She was amazed, and relieved to know that her laxative would start working any minute now. She smiled and said "Don't use that cream for your coffee, because I think it is time to switch to decaf!"
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59 | My First Ocean Cruise | betty | Done | 21 | 3/28/2005 |
Just act nonchalant, find stuff fun to do, and try to avoid getting eaten by a seagull! "They really ought to do something about that!"
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58 | Captain Underpants | greg | Done | 21 | 3/23/2005 |
The wrecked semi was blocking traffic. "Quick! You stop traffic while I wash this man's windshield! He will surely reward me with a big wad of toilet paper stuck in my butt, I look just like a bunny rabbit! Hop, hop, hop!" He giggled, as he flushed my goldfish down the toilet. One after another, down they went, and I was helpless to control it.
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57 | New Year's Resolutions! | bonnie | Done | 21 | 3/18/2005 |
It cannot be possible! Why, you would have to walk at least 100 FEET if you park this far away! What are you thinking? Look at all those spots closer to the door!"
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56 | Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon | betty | Done | 21 | 3/13/2005 |
Who would have know that such a educational program would be on at this time? It taught geography, history, economics, as well as Bazooka Bubble Gum and Reese's Pieces. We could not wait to buy some, so we headed toward the fridge.
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55 | Spy Base Alpha | greg | Done | 21 | 3/8/2005 |
We were too quickly running out of everything: bottled water, powdered milk, and freeze-dried corpses of agents of years past. because we couldn't run the risk of any publicity.
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54 | Texas Winter | bonnie | Done | 20 | 3/3/2005 |
Fanning myself and perspiring, I went inside to cool off. The A/C was cranked up (or is it down?), fortunately. I had some ice cream and once I was cooled off I ran back outside to warm up. Ah the warm desert air blowing from the west, bringing with it a great deal of heat.
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53 | Christmas Shopping - 2004 | betty | Done | 20 | 2/26/2005 |
"Have a seat on this bench while I go into Best Buy. I need to, umm, get some stuff." An hour later my receipt showed up in my e-mail. And with that, I got out a notepad and pencil, and started planning for NEXT Christmas!
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52 | Modeling Agency | greg | Done | 21 | 2/21/2005 |
Sigh. I guess for now, it was all just a fantasy! She paused for a final jelly doughnut before entering the inner sanctum of the plush office where dozens of models were milling around, considering who would look best in which outfit.
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51 | All I Need Is... | bonnie | Done | 21 | 2/16/2005 |
Right now I'm thinking it's a good night's sleep! If I could just get that, everything else would fall into place.
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50 | My Summer at the Archeological Dig | betty | Done | 21 | 2/11/2005 |
"I don't know, let's taste one and see. Yummy! They are still good after all these years! Give one to the director. Here, put this one in his pocket!"
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49 | Shopping at Lowe's | greg | Done | 20 | 2/6/2005 |
Tumbling down the chute came a big load of bricks! Yikes! Get out of the way!
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48 | Anorexia Therapy | bonnie | Done | 21 | 2/1/2005 |
Do you believe you are eating good and nutritious foods? Point out to me what you are choosing: to live a normal life, or to waste away like an orchid in Death Valley. Because that's where you are, you know-- but try not to think about it.
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47 | Building My New House! | betty | Done | 23 | 1/27/2005 |
"Hey, take those back down! You don't build a roof with wheels of gouda cheese! Are you insane?" "Well, at least I didn't try to dig a basement. I'm sure if I did I would have an underground playroom!
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46 | Ultimate Ninja II | greg | Done | 21 | 1/22/2005 |
There is always another challenge around the corner, and the ninja must waste no time seeking it out!
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45 | Election Day! | betty | Done | 21 | 1/17/2005 |
I had found this out by trying to push down ALL the little red levers. The volunteer outside the curtain heard all the mechanical sounds and mumbling, and called out to him, "It doesn't work like that! You IDIOT! Where is your voting card? And don't come in here sniveling like the loser Democrat that you are.
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44 | A Day in the Life of... | bonnie | Done | 20 | 1/12/2005 |
Our day started out great. Before most of us even had a chance to warm up and get going, one of the scouts was back with fantastic news. The rain of the night before had stranded several earthworms on the sidewalk!
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43 | High School Carwash | greg | Done | 20 | 1/7/2005 |
Go back! Go back!!" and waved the water hose in a circle over his head, splashing water on everyone nearby, including customers, classmates, and the whole board of supervisors joined in to hold hands, circle around, and sang Ring Around the Rosy.
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42 | Pushed Over the Edge | bonnie | Done | 21 | 1/2/2005 |
There wasn't much time to waste. They were going to be late! How could she get her toddler to hurry? He didn't want to be carried; he would fight and kick if she tried that. All she wanted was to get him to the car and buckled in as fast as possible. He didn't understand the concept of shining a sink.
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41 | Cleaning Out the Garage | betty | Done | 21 | 12/28/2004 |
John-John, my special friend, what I should do...wait. He's imaginary, I keep forgetting! I'm cracking up! I need to stop and take a break. I'll just put this Dr. Enuf into the freezer to get cold.
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40 | HULK SMASH! | greg | Done | 20 | 12/23/2004 |
Nefarious had unleashed upon the unsuspecting city. Little did he know, right around the corner there was Emil Blonsky, better known as the Abomination! His pasty yellow reptilian bulk towered over 8 feet tall.
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39 | Joining the PTA | bonnie | Done | 20 | 12/18/2004 |
In fact, to collect all the sticks needed, the teachers and parents had to come to some sort of agreement. The parents wanted some say in the content of the curriculum, while the teachers wanted a billiard table and a wet bar.
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38 | Going to the County Fair | betty | Done | 20 | 12/13/2004 |
The tomatoes we took were huge! Each one weighed 200 pounds! Everyone who saw them were amazed, but many couldn't help whispering to each other, " I surely would like a taste of that there apple pie! I know it will be a blue ribbon winner. Look at that flaky crust!
Look at those plump chunks of meat on that carcass.
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37 | News at 11 | greg | Done | 20 | 12/8/2004 |
"It's the best way to sneak up on someone, and then, the instant you know they see you, you shout, 'NINJA!'" He said that so loudly, I jumped. "Are you ," I exclaimed, "or are you not going to ask me to marry you?!" Bob exclaimed. "It's the best way to sneak up on someone, and then, the instant you know they see you, you shout, 'NINJA!'"
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36 | Investigating Vegetarianism | bonnie | Done | 21 | 12/3/2004 |
he said as he took another bite of his steak. It was clear she wasn't going to eat hers either, so he reached over and grabbed the salad dressing, saying, "If I'm going to eat nothing but salad for lunch, I'm going to need more salt and pepper. I need more flavor! Pilot!
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35 | Boppy's Trip to Texas | betty | Done | 21 | 11/28/2004 |
Security measures, you know. So in the spirit of cooperation, we all trooped through the metal detector one by one.
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34 | Dance Class | bonnie | Done | 21 | 11/23/2004 |
The idea is to create the picture of water with the water birds in it. So the next move is a demi plie; just swirl around and fluidly reach for your toes and come back up to face the audience. Then, the dancers to the sides move toward the center, and the dancers in the center move you must do a somersault, ending in a backflip, and still have enough energy left to do four running leaps diagonally across the dance floor.
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33 | The Minotaur King | greg | Done | 21 | 11/18/2004 |
It also helps prevent muscle soreness. To remedy that Ben-Gay is good. Otherwise you can also rub on some invisibility potion. Then we could more safely find our way there. So many dangers beset us, we scarcely conceived of ever making it through the maze alive.
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32 | The Bizarre Bazaar | bonnie | Done | 20 | 11/13/2004 |
I told him! he waved me away as he threw his creaky voice back over his shoulder. "The next one will." With that, he picked up a huge axe and smashed it into the table! "You overcharged me for that GI Joe figure! Now, YOU'RE gonna pay!" I quickly moved aside just in time to avoid being trampled by the thundering hooves.
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31 | My Trip Around the World | betty | Done | 21 | 11/8/2004 |
Clearly we had to go to London, to celebrate Shakespeare and see the Great Wall of China. Yes, that is a "must see". Also I want to swim in the Great Barrier Reef. I am sure when I am there I will see many architectural wonders.
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30 | Downtown Precinct | greg | Done | 22 | 11/3/2004 |
But I assure you I didn't do it. Please note how cooperative I'm being. Ask me anything. Because I'll have an answer for you.
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29 | Growing Up on a Farm | betty | Done | 21 | 10/29/2004 |
It just got hit by a tornado!" "If it was sturdier maybe it could've handled it better!" Clearly the stress of the situation was getting to everyone, but the bickering stopped when we heard a loud explosion coming from the outhouse.
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28 | The Dinosaur World | bonnie | Done | 21 | 10/24/2004 |
That's when we heard it: birdlike calls, a sound like distant rumbling thunder, and the snapping, cracking sound of large trees falling.
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27 | Gardening with Betty | greg | Done | 20 | 10/19/2004 |
Streaming out of every crevice. They were everywhere!! So I grabbed a hand hoe and started hacking at it. No interlopers in this garden! You can count on me to take care of all the weeds, because I know what a weed looks like. It looks like a cross between a marigold and a dandelion.
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26 | On the Open Road | bonnie | Done | 21 | 10/14/2004 |
Noticing he was low on gas, he pulled in to a gas station. He filled up his gas tank and kept going. And then, birds landed on him! So he started singing: "Zippidy doo-dah, zippidy-ey, my o' my what a wonderful day just the kind of day for a hot rod race on the open road.
Start your engines!"
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25 | The International Village | bonnie | Done | 21 | 10/9/2004 |
She'd been in the river back home in Brazil many times with them. She knew they wouldn't harm her. Just one look at the M-60 machine gun she had slung easily over her shoulder and they knew she meant business. Molly was almost 7 feet tall and weighed 260 lbs.
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24 | Weekend in Paris | greg | Done | 21 | 10/4/2004 |
she exclaimed as she punched me in the arm. With that, we immediately went to to the great cathedral, Notre Dame.
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23 | Xander Goes Shopping | betty | Done | 22 | 9/29/2004 |
We dashed out and found them sitting in a puddle of urine. They didn't get to the bathroom in time! "Oh well," I said, "Who wants those old toys made in China anyway? I think Ethan and I can make better toys on our own. Hey, maybe we could have our own TOY factory!
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22 | Fart Dictionary | bonnie | Done | 21 | 9/24/2004 |
So we took the flowers and stuck our noses in them in order to hide the poopy smell that was all around us. It worked at first but not for long. Soon we had to come up with another idea. So we took wet paper towels and stuffed them in our ears so we wouldn't have to listen to the crybabies.
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21 | Boot Camp | greg | Done | 21 | 9/19/2004 |
He demonstrated, and Private Munchausen said "I like to suffer, and I'm going to make you suffer too.
500 pushups on the double!" Everyone moaned and exclaimed," I don't wanna got to Iraq!
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20 | Good Old Pop's Drive-in | betty | Done | 21 | 9/14/2004 |
And started rolling jauntily down the street, singing, " Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work we go; hum,hum,hum,hum....hum,hum,hum,hum, Hi Ho Hi Ho, Hi Ho Hi Ho." They were such a happy bunch!
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19 | Going Back to College | betty | Done | 21 | 9/9/2004 |
"All these books must be at least a hundred years old!" I whispered. a voice rasped. I gasped. An old lady, bent with age, shuffled out of the shadows.
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18 | If You Give a Mouse a Cookie | bonnie | Done | 21 | 9/4/2004 |
"Hello, Mr. Martin! Do you have any CHEESE?!! We want CHEESE!! We ain't had nothin' to eat for three stinkin' days but this moldy bread. Yeah, and we need some meats! And to go with that some milk!" And if you give him some milk, he will lap it up very delicately all the while holding his little pinky high in the air.
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17 | Our Summer Vacation | betty | Done | 21 | 8/30/2004 |
This one has been a blast!
We have had so much fun that I know next summer will be even better.
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16 | Trapped in a Mine | greg | Done | 21 | 8/25/2004 |
"Women!" He thought to himself, " They are so scared of their shadows! Hey if it were left up to me I would never travel with women, I would only travel with my SWISS ARMY KNIFE! And that's ALL I NEED! And my pup tent.
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14 | Our Visit to the Library | bonnie | Done | 21 | 8/15/2004 |
I shouted. "Stay still and don't move a muscle. The sniper has a laser scope focused right on your forehead." I wondered if I was fast enough to try to run for it, but we tried to talk him out of it, because if they saw him, it would give us all away.
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13 | Stress Reduction Techniques | bonnie | Done | 23 | 8/10/2004 |
After I take a nap, I always feel like killing somebody! That was when I knew I had to lie down quickly and start my bio-feedback session. That was the only thing that worked for me to help me feel calm again, and it helped me also to feel sympathy for homeless people.
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12 | My New Job at Burger King | betty | Done | 20 | 8/5/2004 |
"You'd better be careful or that might fall in in big vat of boiling hot french fry grease.
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11 | Cooking with Grandma | betty | Done | 22 | 7/31/2004 |
And melted marshmallows. And chocolate sprinkles on top of that.
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10 | Ultimate Ninja | greg | Done | 22 | 7/26/2004 |
Too bad. Well he would just have to use his fisticuff expertise. He stood his ground and watched the arch enemy spin and shrivel, whirling ever faster, ever smaller, energy bursts zinging out into the air until all the life force and all the mass had moved to the back of his neck.
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8 | Wall Street Blues | greg | Done | 22 | 7/16/2004 |
Batman! Will somebody please tell me what kind of world we're living in when a man cannot turn a dollar into a million, or turn a Euro into a big fat wallet.
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7 | Going into Space | betty | Done | 21 | 7/11/2004 |
Sam said, The gravity is very different here, so don't be doing any jumping. You might just head out into space! However one of the travelers did not believe him and did it anyway, and propelled himself into a black hole! The ship contorted in bizarre, unthinkable ways as the universe collapsed around them.
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5 | Ye Olde Medieval Days | betty | Done | 21 | 7/1/2004 |
Their living quarters were made out of popscicle sticks, painstakingly glued together, then painted with multicolor butterflies swarmed through his brain.
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4 | Barrister the Lawyer Cat | betty | Done | 21 | 6/26/2004 |
Miss Na Tasha was into heavy spitting, and Barrister had to resort to using a bowl of Grape-Nuts for a litterbox. Next, he pled for mercy before the court. Desperate he spoke directly to the jury, and he said with tearful eyes, "
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3 | The Big Conundrum | betty | Done | 21 | 6/21/2004 |
What will the students do now? They must reevaluate and find a better deal on a used car. What they wanted to charge us was absolutely ridiculous. "I know," Betty said, "Let's go to the library and do research about Guinea Worms. You know how to get them out of your leg, don't you? You take a thin stick and snap it in two with a single karate chop.
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2 | Woo baby! | greg | Done | 21 | 6/16/2004 |
"You deep-fried carrots sticks???" Bonnie nodded gleefully, and handed her a big basket of individually wrapped rolls of toilet paper.
A bonus to be sure! She stored them in the back pocket of her blue jeans.
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1 | Big Computer | greg | Done | 18 | 6/11/2004 |
Now they would all be rich! They could buy whatever they wanted!
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