Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022     And small wonder, too. Even the cars had turned yellow from the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli! Where did we land? We landed right in a big pile of dry leaves! The pleasant earthy smell of po-tay-toes! Boil em, mash em, stick inna stew! which reminds me I haven't eaten a meal yet today. 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021     Turns out it has to be going 1,000 miles an hour, so obviously a car was out. So we went to the airport and ironically, we were all so hungry we didn't care what we ate, so on the menu was was a Post-it note with the terse message: "OUTSIDE NOW". 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021     he screamed. "Get out of the way of that rapidly moving ice stor' Have you no sense??" 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020     And since we've got no place to go, we'll stay home and play Carcassonne. Actually, it's an introvert's dream, this whole solitary isolation business. 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020     Winston walked into the kichen and he immediately started to thaw it. After about 8 hours, the turkey was halfway cooked. We were starting to get ravenous, waiting around getting hungry. We started looking for the giblets. 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019     The band would not wait! They moved on with their cheerfully rapid tempo, but mortifyingly, came withering to a halt, when he failed to play the next measure. The maestro glared and sighed. Everyone was staring because they had never seen anyone throwing beans in the river before. 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019     Instead, go mallwalking! While you're there, make sure you order at least one latte and sit by a window as you watch go by the wayside. And you can't help but wonder, " Will these trolls ever leave me alone? 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     The drones were coming, and their purpose was clear: To gather enough wood for a fire and to build a shelter. They got to work straightaway, searching for the lost key. If only they could find it they would be able to rescue the kangeroos trapped in the ancient ice house. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019     After all, you get what you pay for." She shook her head and said, "That's not always did the cat treats work. 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019     Dreams of glory, lights, adoration, and colorful knit ski masks. Within just a couple weeks, I had already earned a cool nickname, which I've used to this day. 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019      Everyone was full of good food. And everyone vowed, "I won't stop until I get my revenge on you!" It was then I finally realized as I reflected on everything that had happened, that this had truly been the best Christmas ever! 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018     You can bring a few bottles! Take one out, pass it around, 98 bottles of fire propellant, obviously. 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018      We stood there, looking at it, hesitating, until we decided to take a little bite. What a strange taste, like nothing we had ever had before. And the texture was very light, like gossamer. Bewildered by so many things we had never encountered before, we knew this was only the beginning of the end. 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018     Sometimes, only brute force can solve a problem. Locked and loaded, I peeked out the cat door to see what all the commotion was about.... Sure enough, there was a bunch of money in there! It's a good thing I went through it or I would have missed finding all those old plastic machine guns. 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018      They just waltz in and crap on the floor. I've tried to explain to them that this is my floor and I'd really appreciate if they stopped crapping on it, but it's like talking to a more experienced person. 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018     I couldn't imagine walking one more mile without at least a gallon of the stuff on hand, so I started scrounging around for old rags to wipe up the spilled lemonade and the big pool of melted popsicles. Even worse, deflated balloons were starting to droop into it, getting sticky, like ponderous, buoyant doughnuts glazing themselves. 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018      Milo must be nearby! Maybe he is resting in a soft bowl of potpourri to freshen the air. Now all that's required to make everything perfect is celebrate good times, come on! Let's all celebrate and have a good time! A clean, clear smell of fresh mouse urine....ahhhh! 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017     And it works! Next time we take a walking tour we will bring plenty of musical instruments, especially guitars and drums." That sounded good, but I had to wonder if there would be enough butter pecan ice cream to go around. I mean there were a lot of people here, and it looked as if every single one of them had brought their A-game. 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017     I may as well have this with a side of socialism and a hot mug of Bernie Sanders Uber Alles. Give me a bottle of Mrs. of A!" She then pounded the table for emphasis, causing all the stray animals to congregate in Bonnie's back yard. 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      And isn't that part of the fabric of life? Letting yourself just enjoy all the simple things is life are so valuable. Surely someone would figure out that what I really wanted was a simple joy. And isn't that part of the fabric of life? Letting yourself just enjoy all the simple things is life are so valuable. 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017     For starters, you could have salad, breadsticks, or everyone's favorite--stuffed mushrooms! 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016     That's everything we need for assembling a Gatling gun! And just in time, too. Any minute now the UPS man will come down the street in his brown truck and deliver multiple packages full of those plastic air-filled cushions. 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016     It was from the party last night! Everyone drank too much, and everyone will clap and cheer when they see it! 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016      He hadn't even realized it, though, because he had not taken a shower in so long! 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016     Were you trying to scrape wallpaper off with them or something? Have you no respect for running into the back of me?? 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016     I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. she said gravely, "It is real." 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016     If you mix darks with whites, the whites will turn pink if you wash the reds with them! What were you thinking?!! 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016      These are handy to have around & have many uses. The ideal number to have for a typical household is two dozen. One never wants to run out of Beefaroni and Coke Zero. You know before you get snowed in you should stock up on Cheetos and Cherry Smash! 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     I know there are tons of photos to go through and sort. We should put the ones of Xander and Ethan in a special embossed hankerchief. 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      When will it come back on?? I am so bored!! I might as well take a nap. It's cold & cloudy today, so I am going to find my fur gloves and my fur hat, and put them on my dresser next to my collection of Birkenstocks and in fact, they were taking up so much floor space, that I had to rearrange a few things so that it would boil and roil and steam was rising rapidly. 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016      First I took a personality test and I turned out to be an introvert. So I thought I would work on that and turned to the person next to me, and I said to him " 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015      The only one who delivers more Christmas presents than UPS! But you know he needs all the help he can get, and you can help by registering all your information on the website, so every time from then on you won't have to type in your office on your clicky-clacky IBM keyboard from 1981. 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015     We started by putting in kitchen scraps. Over time, the bugs, the beetles, and the worms digested the compost, and quietly turned it into rich soil. People pay good money for manure and peat, so why not compost too? 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015     and proceeded to have a coughing fit that lasted for approximately 20 seconds. Then everything continued as before, except, curiously, one boy on a skateboard crashed through the Deli's plate glass window and he landed in the bin of expired fruit. 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015     Once I was satisfactorily secured, I was ready to gather the black walnuts, so I looked in the garage for a big surprise! We need lots of colorful leaves, and lots of dog poop which was scattered here and there in our ditch. Also Roger Young seemed to be moving our boundary line in his favor. 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015      He slowly inched through the pasture field dodging cow pies and carefully watching out for the hot-tempered bull, which was hiding behind a clump of weeds. The General abruptly stiffened with alertness. Creeping forward, he spotted a fire ant hill right in his path !! 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     How peaceful and pretty. But then I spied flying across the full moon, a big hulking tomato like I had never seen! I couldn't believe my eyes! 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     Toss it in the oven and voila, we are ready for a big bite of a Dagwood sandwich! Layers and layers of vegetables, meats and cheeses, all between two pieces of angel food cake. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015      Unpredicatable, delightful, exhausting, outrageous and wonderful, the new ring tone was delightful. I kept calling my smart phone from my land line just so I could hear it again and again !! 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     ME WANT COOKIE! GIMME COOKIE!! his name must be stricken from the Lamb's Book of Life. That'll teach 'em! It was going to be a whirlwind adventure, scenic, and of course buying lots of tickets: to the movies, to the amusement park, and to go to the back of the bus where you can be alone so you can read your fortune cookie! 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015      Give me a break! Isn't real life reality enough? Instead they should think how they would feel in that situation. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     Afterwards, I took some oil and rubbed it on my arms to keep away the mosquitoes. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015      Mmmmmmmm! So good! Mmmmm. Mmmmmm gooood!!!! Sweat trickled down his leg and got on the beam, and when he took his next step, he closed his eyes and took the first bite. 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     Aaaaahhh! We must have a detached retina or something!! It could also be caused by heavy and drenching downpours of rain which then froze over the entire Rock when the temperature suddenly dropped. 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015      It must have been past its expiration date! I just had to spit it out onto the lawn. There, in the sun, I could see a big hydrogen firestorm. Scary! Good thing I was not looking directly at it, and a good thing I was wearing my asbestos underwear! It was so hot! It made me want to go to San Antonio, Texas to visit Bonnie, Chad, Xander, Ethan, and their dog named all the cats in the neighborhood: "Stinky", "Spazzy", "Sissy McWeepington", "Sir Pukesalot", etc. 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015     It could also measure each kid to make sure the desks were the right size. Sure enough, one kid was way too messy to read. on every paper except one, on which she wrote: "100%" She felt pleased whenever the students got all the questions right. 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     The cork went flying through the air and landed in the punch bowl! "Quick! Get that out of there before it explodes! We can't have a big mess all over the place when our company arrives!" 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     I knew I could do it!" And now you know how to make your neighbors your best friends for life !Just walk over, knock on their door and with great enthusiasm, say, " I knew I could do it!" Just make sure you stop at the first sign of feeling faint. And now you know how to make your neighbors your best friends for life !Just walk over, knock on their door and with great enthusiasm, say, " 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014     "Patina is the next clue," I pondered out loud, "9 letters, starts with a V." 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014     sign because the fuzzy dize were blocking my view, and unfortunately the odor was overpowering. We had to turn on the exhaust fan and spray around the room a big new can of WD-40. 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014     But they're just acting. They're just lying there waiting to be strung from shrub to shrub. 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     Finally I had to say Good night to my Chat buddies, and in unison they all said to me, " We're doing an intervention." Of course, this was completely ludicrous to me because I always like to play solo and joining a team at this juncture would be such a bad idea that my Hot Pockets supply would be depleted, and I would also run out of a deep dark tunnel lined with spider webs and hanging from the ceiling were bats! 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014     I decided to name it: Double Rainbow All the Way Across the Sky! So intense! What does this mean? "CHEESE! CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!" Sheogorath bellowed, solving the mystery of his dazzling appearance. Soon afterwards, the mead hall exploded, fat orange cheese wheels spilling through the shattered wooden walls by the score. 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     My wife insisted I was being paranoid, but I had to be absolutely certain that the air conditioner would never break down again. Pack wisely, because the ants and mice can get into any little crevice to eat carefully prepared a series of dangerous, deadly traps leading up to my bathroom. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014     I handed them to the nurse, but she shook her head and said, " Oh my!!! What a garbled mess this has become!!! 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     But it was so loud, we couldn't hear the movie! "HEY!! SHUT THAT OFF!" I yelled. Then some other people also stood up, put their hands over their hearts, and with great gusto, they sang " Should old acquaintance[s] be forgot, and never brought to mind, then I'll never see you again, and that suits me just fine." 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     I shook my head, and shut my eyes and fell into a manhole! OOOH ! Fortunately, I landed on my feet on a big pile of money. 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013     Smell that? It's napalm. In the morning. I LOVE IT! It smells like victory and then, when you least expect to find roly poly bugs in the flower pots. 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     Quick!! Get on him, before he prepared the meal. Good hygiene is always optional when skydiving. 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     There may be more to eat than even all the king's men can handle. We'll have to get the horses in on it too. They will no doubt go to the beach on the next sunny day and find oodles of candy to give to all the party guests! Soon everyone will be able to fetch a pail of water better than that clumsy doofus, Jack. 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     Someone must have manually opened the seal! Now contamination will leak into the pantry and make the sacks of flour wet and the cans of soup rust. Then you will be safely high enough to escape the impending tsunami. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     Heck, I'll order some onion rings too. And for dessert, we wanted Royal Crown Colas and Moon Pies !! How delicious! But things don't always taste the way we remember them.... 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     And just my luck, I'm right in the middle of a shower! But what if it's important? What if we ran out of food?!! Would any stores be open? I opened the phone book to look for Christmas presents. she exclaimed, "It's not even Thanksgiving yet, and already you're behind schedule!" 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     As I sat in the middle of the smouldering wreckage of my lab, I wept quietly to myself for a long, long time. I couldn't make out the rest of the ad because tears had already begun to dissolve the ink, which ran like charcoal wisps of liquidated dreams down the face of the page. 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012      Believe it or not down the road came a knick-knack, paddywack, give a dog a wrapped-up box of chew bones and when he tears the wrapper off he will bite into a raw onion! Now he has great breath! (Muhahahaha) He also has another present hidden in the glove box of his car. 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     There was no time for making pizza. We are running out of time! We want to get all this cleaned up and haul all the junk to the Gloucester Short Lane ice cream parlor, where we ate so much we could barely fit in our newly-reorganized garage. ice cream.... 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011     I kept this up for almost an hour before the store managers realized what I was doing and chased me off, but by that time I had earned enough points to get a prime rib sandwich free at WaWa, they were all out! 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     So I added a whole line of new models of subcompacts. They're inexpensive, have great fuel economy, and just as importantly you must have lots of sunflowers. 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     Then, we passed our box of clutter in a circle like Musical Chairs, and whoever ended up with the box, then that person had to chase the Fly Lady all over the room with a butterfly net. 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009      Our story begins on a windy and cool, but bright, February day. This story is about a brown hat. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008      Well we finally got it all settled and the choice was Swirled Tempest of Flaming Death, the trademark attack of the zombie ninjas of Mars. In retaliation we created even more heroes to fight in Paragon City! 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008     Rhonda exclaimed, "While you're in there, why don't you get me a metal prod so I can get behind the eyeball and repair the side of my car that the guy smashed into when he was trying to park, cuz he couldn't see worth a darn." 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007     And before they could catch their breath, a pile of hydras lumbered up to a million influence. Cool! and by then my hand was so sore from playing City of Heroes I had to take a break! What a revolting development! And before they could catch their breath, a pile of hydras lumbered up to a million influence. 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007     In that game you'd start out in the sewers killing rats with your bare hands, then after reaching your first level, you would start hanging pictures, nice and straight. Because it's Bob Vila: The Game. If you get enough points you can upgrade to a laser level, which lets you upgrade your hero another level without having to restart the level every time you died. 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007     It was just past the crack of dawn when I noticed a bunch of slimy slugs eating away at my petunias. So I poured on them some high powered weed killer. I looked like I was wearing HAZMAT gear, but that stuff is dangerous. 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007     Melodic crooning by the likes of Barry Manilow were interrupted by a big knock-down, drag-out cat fight. Wow, the fur did fly! Next thing you know there was a computer virus on the screen, taunting you! 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006     A female deer! Re! A golden drop of perspiration gently made a rivulet down my forehead and off the tip of my spoiler! That's how slippery this car is. It moves through air like a hot knife through butter. 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006      He hoped the surgeon was handy with the needle, so when he was finished everything would look like something out of horror movie. Bubbling vials, Jacobs Ladders, and incomprehensible surgical tools everywhere added to the effect. 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     Flush with cash, I immediately headed for Long John Silver's! It had been way too long since I had enjoyed their crusty planks of fried chicken from Long John Silver. I dunked them in a thing of tartar sauce, then demanded some pieces of carbon paper to make some old-fashioned copies of himself from the cloning machine!! 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006     Yum! It was crunchy and really really tasty! I gathered up a few and put them in my pocket so I could give them to the police officer when he hauled me in for questioning before being charged with trespassing. I had no choice but to sit down on the grass and start scraping the dog poop off my shoes. 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006      We started laughing hilariously and we had to enunciate to be understood. If you mispronounce something you could really offend somebody by saying something you didn't intend. 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006      What we really hoped for was the grand prize offered by the local newspaper for "Best Illumination". They were givin away a big pink inflatable heart for Valentine's Day, which was just around the corner, and there it was: a brand new Hobby Shop stocked with every kind of Christmas light you could imagine! 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005     Confused, I said, " Please don't eat me! I promise to stay out of your way, and believe me, you'll never know that I used a degreazor! It looks brand new! It's so sparkly, it must be alive! I wondered what would happen if I touched it, so I did. And guess what happened?!! 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005     The mayor was there, several state councilmen were there, we even saw George Allen, John Warner, and Harvey Morgan in the foyer, and they were having a heated discussion about which burned longer: a violin or a viola. 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005     But to my surprise, he snapped the cork out of the bottle of champagne out poured it on my pancakes. Famished, I dug in with reckless abandon. 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005      I ordered a quad shot espresso - only problem was by the time we got to the store, my hands were skipping over the keypad like a skilled pianist playing Chopin. 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005      That ought to kick it up a notch! BAM! He slapped a $500 dollar bill on the counter. "Those are out of circulation!" Bill exclaimed. 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005     I'm good at that!! Cackling evilly, I carved scary faces into all the pumpkins in the patch! Then all the seeds and pulp I threw into the back of my Dodge Ram pickup truck. What a load! Now, the only thing left to do is pick up all the pumpkins, and give them to eat whatever was left and that would be, of course, at least a dozen doughnuts! 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015     So just close your eyes and whatever you do, don't think about pink elephants. HAHAHA! You thought of pink elephants!!! Get lose, you cannot compare with my powers. woo boo -boo-boogaloo, boo-boo-boogalo! Put them together and what have you got? I know that will make you feel completely relaxed. 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005     But you would know that being the seasoned astronaut that you are. Why you could probably teach us to perform an EVA correctly and not drift away from the craft. 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005     he exclaimed. "You can't be serious! You never learned to touch-type?!! You must have gone to school in West Virginia! Did they have electricity? Indoor plumbing? 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     with at least a gallon of premium unleaded. Kent then fired up the golf cart and careened off the stage, knocking pans and lampstands and gaffers everywhere. 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005      You know eating prunes will always cause them to cooperate because they want to buy combat boots in order to have enough traction to navigate the poop-slimed floor. We went to Outdoor World and found 2 very dirty diapers behind the bookcase. 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005     When they saw it, they finally understood. They were running dune buggies up there! The water flew out and drenched the apple pie in whipped cream, which I then cheerfully took to the neighbor's house. When they saw it, they finally understood. 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005     They always have lots of salty snacks handy and lots of little packages of sweet cakes made with 100% extra-virgin olive oil. All the monounsaturated oil made it count! Because I say, if you're not going to spend enough money on a motel room, you will end up staying in a dump, probably infested with carpetbaggers. 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005     As if an answer to prayer, up walked none other than George W. Bush! red, white, and blue streaks were all we could see of the cars! 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005     In fact, *everything* we bought cost a dollar! Then we realized we were in a progessive town because our hotel room had "hot water on demand": to conserve the water that normally runs down the sink while you're waiting for it to get hot, there were small water heaters installed right next to the toilet was a strange-looking water saving device. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005     I could eat them all day, breakfast lunch and dinner. That's why I always go to the salad bar. Then I can pick out veggies that have the lowest number of meals per day. It's good to keep track of the total number of inches lost around the waist. 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005      It would take half the night to count all the coins! When it is time to go to the bank, I am sure we will NEVER MISS any of this stuff! It feels SO GOOD to relax now and do my yoga exercises! I am so limber I bet I could put my foot under my bra. 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005     And you know what that means! That means we will have to try to land at the closest airport we can find! Don't be alarmed at a change in plans, just make your face like flint, give it full throttle and close your eyes! 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005     I nodded, and added, " Boy! Am I a Dork! Can you tell that I am a MENSA member? My IQ is higher than my weight." 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005     The doctor sighed and took out the tongue depressor and inserted it into the patient's file. "It's good for us to keep a copy of your dental records and a listing of all intimate encounters you've had for the past 2 years." 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     "Well, you didn't expect him to throw up on it, did you? Tee hee!" Steamed, I went to the kitchen and got a knife. It was the best thing I could think of to prevent the neighbor's cats from invading and taking over the condo. 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005     Try to line up the red hexagons so they match. This has to be done very carefully! 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005      All their cute little night lights will always be upside down--cackle cackle. THAT will teach them to use acetone to clean the hardwood floors. 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005     the driver said. "Hop in and tell me where you want to go. I am your free taxi service today! 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005      Reaching for the throw-up bag would be a good idea. Quickly, there is no time to waste! In a few seconds I will be unconscious from the lack of cabin pressure! I have to act quickly. I open the supply cabinet and what do I find? whoa, a flashback to me graduation party. 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005      We want more juice. Fluff up our pillows! Don't you know who we are? a SHRUBBERY! Or else you will regret it!" So I said, "Honey, I'm not in it for the lettuce! I'm in it for the quality time and cultural enlightenment. After all, who would know that the slacker pizza cook would just put a smattering of cheese on my pizza! 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005     Eventually, this began to attract flies. "Who left the window open?" He shouted. "Close that window before that monkey gets in!" But it was too late, the hot cheese was dripping down onto the bottom of the oven and causing a terrible night with Nielsen's ratings. 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005     Uncomfortable at best, and at worst, my underwear felt 2 sizes too small. I could never go through the whole day like this! So I headed for the rodeo. I got my gloves, my chaps, and of course my hat. 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005      "I can tell you suffer from it." she squealed, with wide eyes, "I just knew something wasn't right with me lately!" She was amazed, and relieved to know that her laxative would start working any minute now. She smiled and said "Don't use that cream for your coffee, because I think it is time to switch to decaf!" 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005      Our best course of action was to put on life jackets right away and line up next to the lady in the fancy hat. Just try to blend in. Just act nonchalant, find stuff fun to do, and try to avoid getting eaten by a seagull! "They really ought to do something about that!" 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005      The wrecked semi was blocking traffic. "Quick! You stop traffic while I wash this man's windshield! He will surely reward me with a big wad of toilet paper stuck in my butt, I look just like a bunny rabbit! 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005     Calmly, she answered, "I'm thinking if we ate nothing but lettuce and skim milk for a month we may look good for the St. Valentine's Day party. And I'm all for a healthy diet, but don't you think you're taking it a little far?" 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005     Then the network switched over to the ads, which are even louder and more frenetic than the shows! 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005     He said to watch out for Doctor Doom! His latest information reported that there was a severe shortage of toilet paper. Now what? There was only one solution: activate the fleet of snowmobiles! Racing to the garages, we poured out bag after bag of cat litter in order to absorb the neutrons from the nuclear fission reaction. 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005      The pool isn't big enough ! and she pointed at a picture of the "Beef Stampede." We gasped; no one had ever managed to eat much at any of my Christmas parties; they mostly just wanted iced tea. 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005     "Everyone's getting Jolly Ranchers this year!" I laughed maniacally as I headed for Costco and their 750-count, 10 pound bag. Once I got there I grabbed a seat an collapsed. 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005      And big mirrors too. When we look into the mirrors, we want to see a little more attitude. Show me that anorexic girl who came in a while ago. She has the look we want. She must weigh close to 350 pounds. But that's OK. that's right... Perfect! She's a door. 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005     If I could just get that, everything else would fall into place. Other times, who knows? Will I be a n00b for the rest of my life? None of this makes sense to me. To help me I think I'll ask the bartender. "What do you recommend?" 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005     "How did this get in here?" I exclaimed. "The sites contaminated, and we ourselves slowly dying from some unknown ancient curse, it was only a matter of time before we and all our work disintegrated back into ancient history. We did know for sure however that neanderthals did NOT eat Chicken McNuggets. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005     I have no idea where the restrooms are in this store, and I need one bad! I need one so bad that I can't wait any longer for someone to help me! 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005      It will only stress you out, raise your blood pressure and increase your intake of calories. 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005     The swimming pool will go there, the miniature golf course there, and the toolshed had to be demolished to make room for the new inground swimming pool which would be reinforced with steel, 3 inches thick. No worries about putting a hot dish on that! 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005     Death was the order of the day (I suppose you could call a hamburger and french fries that!) Anyway who cares? Ultimate Ninja II would want everyone to remain respectfully quiet. Each fully dressed fighter was armed with daggers, leather lashers, and 4 or 5 weapons...per hand! 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005      So why not stick some on the voting booths for fun? I bet that would get more people to vote! You need live music, kiddie rides, free food, and most of all you need A BRAIN ! It was sad, in a way, since everyone knew that chewing gum really does stick to the bottoms of desks and stays there forever. 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005     He had been locked up ages; he couldn't remember when he got his last rabies shot. Was it time for a booster? 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005      Boy, did it stink! It smelled like the driver must be a smoker. Frowning, we decided we could first try vacuuming up all the fragments of dried vomit. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005     Disturbed, I asked him, " What blood type are you? You know I think I can analyze your problem. 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004      I made a path toward the window when suddenly I saw a large water-stained cardboard box with bulging sides. I thought, "I probably don't even want to know where I got this box of grenades. 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004     Little did he know, right around the corner there was Emil Blonsky, better known as the Abomination! His pasty yellow reptilian bulk towered over 8 feet tall. When he saw the Hulk he lost his cool and started sniveling and crying. And on top of that, he even began to cry. Everyone got very quiet. 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004      We didn't know quite what to do. So we blindly decided to strike chocolate-iced doughnuts from the cafeteria breakfast menu. Next on the agenda was the Annual Potholder Fair, held every year, where the parents had a potholder-making contest, the winner being presented a trio of woven friendship bracelets. 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004     Insane with panic, I grabbed the blue ribbon watermelon and threw it as hard as I could at the red-faced perpetrator. "You think you have the right to scare innocent people like that? Of all the nerve! Look behind you!" 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004      Frantically, the police captain called a temp agency. They worked around the clock sweeping all the flood waters out of the newsroom. Needless, to say, all the sound equipment was choked with papers that had been discarded right out the window. 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004      Add it to your yogurt! he said as he took another bite of his steak. It was clear she wasn't going to eat hers either, so he reached over and grabbed the salad dressing, saying, "If I'm going to eat nothing but salad for lunch, I'm going to need more salt and pepper. 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     So in the spirit of cooperation, we all trooped through the metal detector one by one. When the alarm sounded, the inspector pulled aside a tall glass of iced tea! plate of tamales, burritos, and enchiladas! The only thing this dish is missing is my face. 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004      Ready to dance? First lift your right leg and touch your toes on the edge of the piano. We were lucky enough to have live piano music to dance to. Which makes sense, actually, because the piano player had sprained his ankle and couldn't show up. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004     I looked up, and towering above me was the Minotaur King himself. I shook in my boots, I sweated pools of gravy. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004      It was just what I was looking for! It was so beautiful I couldn't take my eyes off it! The merchant told me this was the last day he would be open. 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004     We laughed and laughed; Men wearing hula skirts! It was so funny. When they tried to dance, they ended up in the Taj Mahal, surrounded by furious Muslim imams! 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004      The fact that I'm addicted to placebos doesn't make it any easier. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference. I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Put the handcuffs on and lead me away. But first give me that first phone call, because I am going to call my partner. I have a joke to tell him. 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004     Now that's a country breakfast! L'il Abner (who wasn't very little) was always hungry. He said, "I want some more buttermilk from that churn! And I want some homemade butter and strawberry jelly to put on my overalls." The dirt from my past several weeks of work had crusted upon itself to the point that it could begin to flake off in great chunks, and I could see the blue cloth beneath. 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004      Duck!" he screamed. We all hit the dirt as a huge dinosaur tail whooshed over us. We quickly crawled to the police station and cried for help. 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004      You know those slick wiggly creatures that are so good for the soil. Why in only one hour they can process 50 pounds of superb cedar mulch. This is the good stuff! Now take it and smoosh it together with your hands. It's okay. Getting dirty is half the fun. The smell of the fertile earth is like the perfume of the Garden of Eden. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004      Bonnie put on her leather jacket and her leather gloves; also her leather helmut, but around her neck she carefully wound a psychedelic silk parachute, which she used to land at Daytona Beach in the middle of about 100 bikers, with great fanfare. 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004      She was also learning how to use chopsticks. She easily picked up the noodles, and then deftly she reached into the bowl and she picked up a hockey stick and skated out onto the ice. 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004     his friend said. "You must really like french fries! But over here we call them pommes frites, and we like to smother them with sauteed onions. 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004     exclaimed Bonnie. "But you don't have enough money to pay for that Spiderman suit and mask. Look in your other pockets and see if you can find any more Barbie dolls for Haley so she can play dolls with her sister and also with her cousin, Ethan." 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004     And that was always a funny subject. The third fact is farts are stinky. Sometimes they can be REALLY stinky! And sometimes they're loud! 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004      Everyone was totally exhausted and very irritable. Why one day in the mess hall, we had a terrible food fight when everyone was throwing fits about the insufficient supplies. 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004     "Pops doesn't sell chicken nuggets! Do we, guys?" He chuckled as he called over his shoulder to the crew. They all laughed nervously because they knew where this was headed. It was headed straight for the Health Department. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004      No air conditioning in these old buildings. The muggy air of late summer was so exhausting that everyone felt just hot, damp, and tired. There was only one quick solution: and that was to immediately drink lots of ammonia and chase it with bleach. 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004      Only one person is the exception to this rule, and that person would be Mr. Martin, the postman. "Hello, Mr. Martin! Do you have any CHEESE?!! We want CHEESE!! We ain't had nothin' to eat for three stinkin' days but this moldy bread. 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004      We packed our van the night before and started off early in the morning for the mountains. Our first stop would be the underground caverns where day and night dripped tiny streams and droplets of molten lead from the exploding metal refinery across the way. 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004      Stunned with discouragement, no one spoke for a few moments. "I wish we had a stereo. Then we could listen to tunes while waiting to be rescued." "Are you nuts?!" I exclaimed. "How can you think about food at a time like this? Do you realize our first priority is AIR?" "Women!" He thought to himself, " 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004     That'll liven things up around here!" Alas, every book in the entire library was checked out. Now what?! I guess we will have to go to the comic book store. 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004     screamed Bonnie, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MEDITATE WHEN YOU KEEP TALKING TO ME???!! Would you please go twiddle your thumbs while I take care of MY important business! You are so getting on my nerves! I think you should focus on your breathing. That is an excellent way to direct energy. 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004      Who in the world let that happen?! The early morning drive-thru lane was already backing up. Should we use the meat anyway, or should we ask the customers to leave and go somewhere that doesn't suck? 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004      What a bummer. You know hot dogs give me terrible indigestion, and not only that, they also give me a set of free ginseng knives, you know, the kind you use for energy-supporting herbs. 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004     "I don't care what anyone thinks , real ultimate power will soon be MINE!!!" 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004      Whatever you choose you must be willing to keep what you buy for at least a decade. Greg couldn't believe his jail sentence would be that long, but considering the number of his convictions, he knew he had jail time ahead. correction centers where every day he would get to watch TV, exercise, and eat three prison meals a day. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004      Is it programmed for a target?! Oh no! It is headed for a crash! 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004     The king looked down at him and replied," and then threw back his own with peals of diabolical laughter. Thus began the century-long "Reign of Terror." 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004      Barrister argued that because Lord Elsington was hungry he was justified in his theft. However the prosecutor Miss Na Tasha exploded in a verbal fog of circumlocutions and luscious loquaciousness, followed by a veritable swamp of laconic stillness. 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004     Class is now in session, I'm gonna try 'n' reach ya. After the rap was over, Greg stood up and shouted, "There will be no discussion!" 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004     His Dodge Viper showed no signs of complaint, as it began to thunder and rain heavily; so much so that the roof began to lift off from the extreme high pressure inside the house. 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     And the first thing they decided to buy was a life insurance policy, because they knew they would not live forever.