Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022      We landed right in a big pile of dry leaves! The pleasant earthy smell of po-tay-toes! 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021      But that's fine; ain't no thing but a chicken wing. So we can just go ahead and fry the hamburgers right over this nice fire. They will taste delicious, so go get the tomatoes, lettuce, onion, pickles, and jar of eyeballs. Who keeps a jar of real eyeballs? 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021      I chose to feel enraged and offended. I pulled out one of my several protest signs and started swinging it like a battle axe. The nearest bystander had to duck, to avoid being hit by a flying chocolate cream pie which had been lovingly prepared by Gordon Ramsay, who proceeded to blow his top and go on a profanity-filled tirade when he saw one of the customers use a dessert spoon when he was supposed to use a soup spoon. 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020     Finally! My butt was sore from sitting around in the terminal for hours and hours. uh oh, what's that noise? It sounds like burping...could it be from that big Christmas dinner?? 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020      It would take at least 16 hours to lambaste the turkey.... I mean brine roast the turkey...too LONG !! 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019     Surely, the fish would either stop swelling or explode! It was a fearsome moment indeed! Everyone held their breath in terror. Suddenly, the entire stage collapsed, exploded, and burst into flames, killing everyone instantly! Appearing in the midst of the carnage was Metallica, inside the mouth of a giant robot dinosaur. 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019     3am is OK, but most people are asleep. Proper trolling has as many spectators as possible, to maximimize the trollification. 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019      Plus a thick milkshake made with real ice cream and in addition a dollup of fairy dust. Yeah, like actual dust from a fairy, we couldn't believe it. A little dude with wings showed up with a handful of sparkly crap. Anyway, it backfired horribly: we were just covered in kiwi fruit puree and crushed red cherries and pineapple. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019      She asked, "How do we know this robo-vacuum will do any better a job than the last one?" 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019     My scalp was tingling! And the popping in my ears was like I had never felt before ! Almost like I was back at wrestling training camp in Louisville, Kentucky. 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019     If you don't have your ribbons neatly wrapped on spools, at least don't rest anything heavy on them to crush them. In advance of your gift-wrapping day, make a list of who gave what so I could send them a thank you note. With each note I could include a handmade gift tag to indicate who it's from-and-to, but instead I'd really rather use this stick of dynamite! 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018     Take one out, pass it around, 98 bottles of fire propellant, obviously. You might be wondering why I would think of such a thing! Well, I didn't. I will blame it on Smokey the Bear and his trusty cohort in crime, namely The Cheat--a strange, small creature skilled in stealth and thievery. 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018     The only solution we could think of was to cut the rope to the anchor so we could drift away from the whirlpool...hopefully. We rowed with all our might and soon we reached the boundary between the dimensions. It looked like a wall of glimmering water. We stood there, looking at it, hesitating, until we decided to take a little bite. 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018     Right next to all the boxes full of stuff ready to donate to the thrift store! I felt soooo proud! I think they should be displayed in the Alamo gift shop! Right next to all the boxes full of stuff ready to donate to the thrift store! 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018      If I chose Valero.... I could take care of all the litter in the median! And I could become friends with all the nice men in the cute orange jumpsuits who were already out there in the wild blue yonder. Anyway I also thought Bill Miller's Barbecue might be a good place to work. 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018      There's nothing more enjoyable than seeing all the full, healthy, verdant growth of summer. Especially when finding it where you least expect to find a skunk baby. Ohhh, poor little thing! All alone! All it needs is a nice sunny spot and some rain now and then! 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018     I scooped him up and went through a massive stone archway, imposing and mystical. 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017      With their youthful energy and can-do attitude, nothing could stop the students from rioting about the demolition of the omelet bar. NO !! What to do?? 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017     I yelled. "What are we supposed to sprinkle on our tacos, for crying out loud?! HOW ABOUT A NICE SPRINKLING OF HOT HOT HOT SRIRACHA SAUCE !!!" 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      You might even run into a zamboni! And you're miles from the nearest skating rink. The nearest one is right next doo' Let's walk over there, introduce ourselves to the new neighbor, and say, "Hey, hey, hey, hey. 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017      Mmm! In fact, use the big jar! Some people also like to add anchovies...ewww. Then there is the delicious fruit pizza! Sugar cookie crust with strawberries, kiwi fruit, pineapple all arranged in a pattern of pleasing proportions. 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016      We are sick and tired of it. I put it into the same category as washing the dog: every day is overkill, but waiting a month is too long." We could probably agree it's the same with grocery shopping: Don't shop when you are hungry! 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016      So everyone worked together to assemble them. Using ribbon and shrink wrap, I wrapped up all the junk I had found into neat little parcels and then advertised them on Ebay as "Mystery Gifts". 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016      We all got to see Xander's room for the very first time! It's on the second floor, overlooking the placid lake, so blue and relaxing, and what is that swimming over the surface? 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016     Why, it is as big as a polar bear! Or as big as they were before they let all the water out of the pool, they decided to wash the dog, so they soaped him up and then poured over him a bucket of chum in the backseat." 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016      "It's not real!" I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016     Why is it that laundry never seems to end?!?! It's almost like flushing a commode on a windy day! Hey! Would that really matter?? Yeah, probably would matter as much as Hillary Clinton is able to tell the truth. 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016      Anytime you're walking on ice, you should be careful to look both ways before you sled down the Speights' driveway. 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     After they brought it, he strapped it on his chest. her suitcase, that is! So we packed the extra stuff into a priority box and sent it to Hell in a handbasket! 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      Ladelling out a serving, I went out on the patio and enjoyed a big bowl of roasted chili peppers. In fact, anyone could just walk in and easily help themselves to croissants, chocolate eclairs, and mugs of steaming beef stew. 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016     Who knew organic farming could be so aggravating that I decided to rewrite the whole list. Starting again with #1, I pledged to try again. Determined, I sat down and finally got to #10! I resolve to refrain from eating bowl after bowl of baked beans. 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015      But the UPS driver kept holding it out his window, pulling forward 20 feet at a time, laughing. Sweating, I said "Give me that package!" But the UPS driver kept holding it out his window, pulling forward 20 feet at a time, laughing. Man, I will hate to go to court and stand before the magistrate and hope you don't get thrown in jail until you paid every penny because you were cruel to your debtors and the king found about it. 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015      Decisions, decisions. Where would be the perfect place to put this bowl of fresh tomatoes grown with my wonderful compost? I think I will put it on the level ground. 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015     Apparently someone doesn't know how to use a manual transmission. It's okay, though, they'll clean up the spill on aisle 4. Here comes the guy with the mop now ! He agilely bent over and handed a bouquet of flowers to a little girl. Surprised, she tried to scrape off the slimey skin but underneath she was shocked to find a handful of rare and fragrant Allegra roses! 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015     I had gotten as ready as I could for this fall, and now the only thing left was to sit back in my easy chair and enjoy a cool sparkling glass of Mountain Dew ! 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015      Oh no! So he slowly slithered backward, but they had spotted him! They marched toward him with military precision, but in slow-motion. It was amazing to watch. Mesmerized by the sight, we found a place to sit down quietly and stared intently at the small entrance. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     I was satisfied with that, so then I sprayed the tomatoes with a solution to kill the blight. 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     They were rude, slovenly, and told rambling, barely-coherent stories about parasites. You should be careful about what you watch on TV before you go to bed. It might give you bad breath and terrible indigestion. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015      Another important thing to think about is how are you going to protect your phone from accidental impacts? For that, you probably want to consider buying a 15,000 amp generator. 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     his name must be stricken from the Lamb's Book of Life. That'll teach 'em! GIMME COOKIE!! his name must be stricken from the Lamb's Book of Life. That'll teach 'em! 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015     I picked the lasagna and doused it with balsamic vinaigrette. As a finishing touch, he sprinkled on some red pepper flakes, chopped up jalapeno peppers, and just a splash of vodka. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     Afterwards, I took some oil and rubbed it on my arms to keep away the mosquitoes. It made them so mad they bit me on the back through my shirt! 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015     Decorating is the part that's the most fun. Be creative! You can use sprinkles, candy, curls of chocolate...even tiny toys or other unusual options such as little Hulk faces made of butter and green-colored strips of bacon, ground-up meatballs, and garnished with chicken wings. 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     We must have a detached retina or something!! It could also be caused by heavy and drenching downpours of rain which then froze over the entire Rock when the temperature suddenly dropped. The clear sky released the oppressive heat, and stars started to blink on. 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015     If there's one thing I know, it's that you never want to lace-up shoes to the airport, because they are too hard to get on and off, especially if they are laced with arsenic! But that's OK, because I'd spent the last 10 years slowly building up resistance to arsenic. Confident I'd be OK, I took a big bite and froze. 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015     He then carried the stack of folders over to the table and spread out the construction paper, blunt scissors, glitter, and glue. Then with them the children proceeded to make cookies to sell to raise enough money for Bonnie's bail bond. 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     Or as the famous Latin phrase puts it: " Carpe Noctem !" So we worked through the night putting the final touches on the family portrait. 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     There's no point in being a damn fool about it. "Haha! W.C. Fields said that!" I exclaimed. "OK, now it's your best hope for improving your life. So what do you want? 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014     Presents to sort! The wrapping paper I bought on Dec. 26....where was it??I found all of it in the back of the car. 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014     How did that get there? It has to be Vodka! Sweet lifeblood of our glorious mother country, it falls like water from the skies and collects in pools. Children from the nearby village came running, naked, to dive into a particularly deep collection of sweet, sweet, silvery alcohol. 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014     I called 911 and guess who answered! = Some guy in an elf costume! "HaHa! That's great!" I said, " Now I know my electric bill will go up!" I was kidding of course, but I knew now the county would surely waive the rule about no inflatables taller than 40 feet! 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     It drew me in...into a world that I could hardly imagine! 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014     CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!" Sheogorath bellowed, solving the mystery of his dazzling appearance. Soon afterwards, the mead hall exploded, fat orange cheese wheels spilling through the shattered wooden walls by the score. "CHEESE! CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!" Sheogorath bellowed, solving the mystery of his dazzling appearance. 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     And if they get fogged up, you can clean them with spit. And you thought it was only good for dissolving corn starch packing peanuts. WRONG! You can also use Skin-So-Soft Bath Oil. And after 30 minutes, you can add another layer of impermeable film. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014     Anyone with half a brain should know better than to listen to loud rap music while playing such an intense video game! Why if I had not been concentrating, my handsome hero would surely have fallen into debt. Video games are expensive, especially if you buy them when they first come out, or even pre-order them. 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     They didn't realize that my excellent sense of hearing allowed me to pick up even the slightest nuance of sound, and my vivid imagination I never would have guessed she would DIE from it! I was so in shock from her death, I didn't see what happened to the usher who took us to our seats. 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     It looked like a convoy of Army vehicles. Humvees, trucks, tanks on trailers, and even a snail could have gone around the block faster than that turtle which was stampeding through peanut butter. Hey! That's my peanut butter!! Gimme back my Game Boy !!! Don't you know I can punch you in your face! 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013     People should know better than to cook a bowl of noodles for lunch in the middle of defeating the giant cave troll, I found I needed quickly to scrub that off before it stained. 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     Good hygiene is always optional when skydiving. It's not like anyone can smell you at 10,000 feet! But by the time you finish your last task, you have run out of time and lost all your money causing you to giggle with delight. 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     To test it, we inserted a non-compete clause into the document. It now read, "I (fill in your name) will not directly or indirectly engage in any business that competes with the cupboard of Old Mother Hubbard." 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     We could see it coming it the far distance! It looked like a gigantic tortoise, heaving up out of the earth. Strange as this was, it only got weirder as relatively small automobiles started spilling out of its mouth. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     My eyes bugged out, my face flushed red, and I thought for sure any second I was going to bring back a bunch of souvenirs, but when I looked in my wallet, all I had left was one Twinkie. 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     Clearly the only thing to do now is have seconds! But just as I was about pile up my plate with some lovely decorated Rainbow Pony cupcakes were left at my doorstep! I wonder who brought them? Could it have been that I had made them myself and forgotten? 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     So beautiful. prrrecciouusss... Those hobbitses are always stealing from us. Those nasty little roaches were everywhere! Someone must have left food in here! 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012     The darkness was so complete it was like a solid thing--a suffocating blanket of oblivion that clung to our faces and enveloped us in its lifeless embrace. 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     You never know what you might find under all those boxes." In fact, down on the floor in the far corner, I found a reason to live again! 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011     There was a lot, but I managed to get it all stuffed in. With that out of the way, I decided to take a break and get some tinsel to throw on the tree. I could only find silver of course. I took the strands out of the bag and placed them one by one on the shooting gallery. 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     who had just walked in with a tray of hot biscuits. she exclaimed, "I don't want any goopie stuff flying into my face! I know! I will make a shield out of strips of flank steak. We'll marinate them in 4 ounces of gooey, green, groddy BRAINS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But by that point there must have been at least 1,000 zombies! 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     The best teachers for this activity are female ! But that's OK! As a male, I know how to get things done. 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009     It needed to look a little battered for the play I was going to be in. Believe it or not , I was going to act the part of the fool! That way they would never suspect that the next place I put the hat would be like crushing prunes into stewed okra. Things would really move along then! Why you might not even have time to check under the car, behind the seats, and in the glovebox. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     It all started when Ethan ran into the living room to take a swing in Greg's new hanging chair, only to discover that he had forgotten his Prozac. 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008     I'd been saving up for a while, because the operation costs two stitches were all that was needed to close up the gaping hole in the ceiling so big, he could see the sky! 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007      Moments later, they came upon a wide, glistening puddle of goo. It looked like an experiment by Dr. Vahzilok, or maybe the Council's attempts to try jumping over tall buildings was exceedingly successful, plus those mean old Outcasts failed to stop the arch-villain before his master plan was unveiled! 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007     You could reload, jump to your feet, and with all my new armor I would be invincible! The bronze cuirass, the ebony greaves, and the helmet that was made out of nuclear waste collected from sea to shining sea. 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007      Away with you! They were 30 feet tall, 2 feet wide, and frankly they stink and I don't want them in my garden anymore. Away with you! Last summer I had installed the hammock between two pillars made of marble. They were 30 feet tall, 2 feet wide, and frankly they stink and I don't want them in my garden anymore. 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007      I needed some deodorizing spray, so I went to the store and bought a can of Great Stuff and sprayed it into the crevice. It expanded quickly into a hard, yellowish goo which was perfect for the cats new dining area. They would love this pretty new space complete with not one but two cores per CPU, giving it inherent multiprocessing power. 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006      Well you'll never know unless you try! So they fastened their seatbelts, turned to each other and grinned and then they gasped in shock at the number of bugs that had shuffled off this mortal coil on their teeth. he said as he pulled over, he took a big drink of Red Bull, burped, and he loudly exclaimed, " 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006     He paused, and then continued: " I want every intern to pay attention here. Watch me make this incision, and I don't want anybody to cry when I'm gone. I've lived a long, full life and don't have any regrets. What I want is for all this bleeding to stop!" 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     I can't concentrate." Finally, they all fell on the floor laughing their heads off. 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006     It was crunchy and really really tasty! I gathered up a few and put them in my pocket so I could give them to the police officer when he hauled me in for questioning before being charged with trespassing. I had no choice but to sit down on the grass and start scraping the dog poop off my shoes. 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006      Actually it is harder than quantum physics! That's why one time I was talking to Dr. Stephen Hawking and he said "Isn't that something! Isn't that something! We started laughing hilariously and we had to enunciate to be understood. 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006      First I put on a jacket, gloves, and on my head, I put a red nose on the reindeer and called him Rudolph. Just like the song goes: "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer... Take one down, and pass it around, ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer! 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005      Is that like an appraizor? Come appraize my house, and bring your 5 clipboards! "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!" I laugh with raucous glee. You will be sorry; you will be very sorry when I stumbled upon a fully-loaded phaser rifle. It must have been dropped by an alphatrooper when he recovered from the blow to his head, he knew he would have to activate his quantum shields before it was too late! 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005      The maestro was heading down the center aisle was Hulk Hogan! he howled, and the audience began to shuffle their feet with boredom. 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005     I landed hard on the bridge, got up and sat right back down because a big wad of bubble gum was stuck to the helmet of the commie soldier. I couldn't help but shut my eyes tight as our speeding car swerved completely off the prescription medication he had been taking to calm his nerves. 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005      The only thing that was still bugging me was what to get for the person on my list that was the hardest to buy for: my loud and noxious neighbor. He had already asked me for a refund. "Why?" I asked. he exclaimed, "I want paper not plastic! You stupidhead!" He stomped his feet and then he yelled, " 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005     To which the manager, confused, replies, " Yo man, why you do me like dat? I'm the shizzle for my nizzle. And you know you're not allowed to eat mistakes! Put that in the waste bucket!" 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005     When we counted them we ended up with 1,416 pumpkins. That was more than enough to make some pumplin pie. We made enough for 50 people! So we invited the whole neighborhood, and when they all showed up we gave them a couple bucks and told them to go fetch us a newspaper. 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015     That's why I wear dorky clothes and spike my hair with glittery gel. Who knows? I might be spotted by the next agency of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. I stepped through the door and fell through a hole in the floor! I landed in a mud puddle. It brought back memories of days gone by, back when men were men and women were not to be trusted with power tools. 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005     We were all nervously excited. We were about to embark on a six-month voyage so we packed 6 cases of peanut butter and 6 crates of oranges, for vitamin C. 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005      Ah just kidding! The new teacher was quite a knock-out! Really! Her hair was silver blonde and reached all the way to her cell phone, to call her geeky son. 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005      We all know that sanitation is very low priority around here, which is why your show is on suspension!" exclaimed Kent. "You can't be serious! I know positively that these eggs are fresh! 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005      One day at a time, we worked at moving the vast quantities of toddler turds out of the house. 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005     We much have been too noisy ourselves because the neighbors called up and said, " I just wondered if you knew there's a bowling alley right up the road. 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005      We might find some interesting local folks to talk to. They always have lots of salty snacks handy and lots of little packages of sweet cakes made with 100% extra-virgin olive oil. 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005      Nobody can match my collection of his memorabilia. Why I even have his name printed on my flame-retardant suit and on my car, I don't know. Couldn't we get another sponsor, one who won't make us wear these stupid ballcaps? 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005      It might surprise you how much water you use just taking a shower. With all that water you could probably survive by drinking sand. You never know until you try! Why don't you turn off the water while you brush your teeth? You don't need to flush the toilet every time you use it. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005      "Hello, toes! Haven't seen you in so long!" Ha, Ha! This is great! Next thing you know, you will be skin and bones. 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005     In fact we must have already sold at least 20 of them and our cash flow was now a total of about $3.25. But who's counting, really? Sitting in the hot sun, sipping sweet tea and making fun of the junker cars that drove up was worth at least $100. 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005     But I was in for the surprise of my life. It all started the day my mechanic called to me, "Captain Mitchell, you had better put down that bottle of Tequila and come look at this." Although having been on a 3 day binge, I tried to rise from my seated position. 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005      Too bad some of them were warped from the heat in the attic. But I could always give them to my friend, ________ Raul. He'll know what to do. I hope we never run out of pencil sharpeners because if we do, we will have to hire a bodyguard!" 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005     "Why would I need to order x-rays? Clearly the problem is an occluded colon. This sort of thing happens if you don't eat enough fiber, and then load up on cheese pizza. 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     Like Confucious say, "Cat never full." That's why you have to have a wide base, or else a strong foundation, if you're going to make it that tall. So to save floor space, you could try cement ing your mouth shut and let me do the thinking, OK? 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005      Then I went back downstairs and fixed myself a meatball lunch pocket. It was so good, I licked it again. "Hey! Quit that! You're getting wallpaper paste all in my hair! uh oh, I'm all out. 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005      I almost lost it - not only were there woodchips in my sandwich, but now my favorite electric tool was perfect for sanding the hardwood floor prior to refinishing it. I plugged it in and turned it on, but nothing happened. 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005     The space marine sergeant harrumphed. "Positive ree-en-forcement?! This ain't no namby-pamby country club! This is taking too long. What's your point?" "Okay, okay. I thought I'd better tell you what type of weapons you'll be using. As a Space Marine, you'll have a 40mm shoulder-mounted plasma thrower, 30cm vibroblade, and of course a standard simple telephone table is all that you need. 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005     So I adjusted the seat. Then it felt much better. Reaching for the throw-up bag would be a good idea. Quickly, there is no time to waste! In a few seconds I will be unconscious from the lack of cabin pressure! I have to act quickly. 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005      Or while ordering a big ice cream sundae, someone might conspiratorially inform the person making it, "I'm not in it for the ice cream, I'm in it for the fame! The adoration, the adulation, the accolade...ization. 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005     Great. Take them out and smile with satisfaction at that golden-brown glazed finish! Next, add 12 ounces of diced beef. For this I prefer to use a non-stick pan, as opposed to a stick pan. 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005      So what do you think?" I looked around before answering, noticing some men standing outside the window. Frightfully stern in their trenchcoats and black sunglasses, they appeared to be staring at those bits of broccoli stuck in his teeth....How gross! 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005     So here's the plan: Rent a storefront, buy some coffee beans, and to grind them, buy a big muffin. The bigger the better. The biggest I've ever seen. In fact, so big, that it wouldn't even fit in the grinder. 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005      He shouted with ire, " Swab the deck, you landlubber. You will earn your keep on my ship. Now bring me a mug of cold frosty beer! Wow, would that hit the spot!" He grinned with satisfaction at the thought of running up to that hoity-toity aristocrat woman and bumping her right into the pool. 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005      He giggled, as he flushed my goldfish down the toilet. One after another, down they went, and I was helpless to control it. The pressure was just too much. Before I could stop it, great volumes of gas filled the room of guests who had just arrived from the theater. 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005      I mean what are we here for? We must improve our health! So we're focusing on diet, exercise, stress management and decluttering of house, home, and mind. 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005      I got up early so I could watch all my favorite cartoons! First they played some oldies like Mighty Mouse and Mickey Mouse. Then the network switched over to the ads, which are even louder and more frenetic than the shows! 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005      We were too quickly running out of everything: bottled water, powdered milk, and freeze-dried corpses of agents of years past. 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005      We're here to relax! Those beach balls are just too big! 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005      "Ladies! You look exhausted!" The salesman crooned. "Have a seat on this bench while I go into Best Buy. 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005     She paused for a final jelly doughnut before entering the inner sanctum of the plush office where dozens of models were milling around, considering who would look best in which outfit. as, in shadow, they moved, tall and willowy through the revolving door, but they lacked the coordination to get out! 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005      Obviously I was going to have to figure this out for myself. i before e except after c... in which case jelly doughnuts will be your best bet. Of course everyone knows in addition to trays of sugary pastries, you should add bountiful numbers of rose petals to your bath! 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005      "The sites contaminated, and we ourselves slowly dying from some unknown ancient curse, it was only a matter of time before we and all our work disintegrated back into ancient history. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005     In which case, you should start over. As much of a headache that is, it'll be even worse if you led mold take control. So we looked at the dehumidifiers. 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005     Probably. Your other alternative is to eat yogurt 3 times a day. To add to the great nutritional value of the yogurt, you can add chopped tuna. That will add good protein without making you feel overfull. 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005     We'd been so busy tearing down the neighbors' hedges so we have room to expand. 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005     "For great justice!" I cried, and "All your base are belong to us!" 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005      It was necessary because all the candidates were secretly communists. I had found this out by trying to push down ALL the little red levers. The volunteer outside the curtain heard all the mechanical sounds and mumbling, and called out to him, "It doesn't work like that! 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005      Puzzling over this, he decided to call for help from the adjoining nest, so they could quickly get the worms underground before the birds got them. Such a rich food source! And nearby! A messenger was sent to the prison chaplain's office to plead his case. 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005     The giant robot then kicked them out of his way, like soccer balls made of tin foil. over her top, and "WASH" over her lower area, so the signs obscured her clothing and everyone driving past would think "Holy cow! 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005      The queasiness. The dizziness. Sleep-deprived and caffeinated, her psyche was a dangerous mixture of sluggish reasoning and irritation. She was a powder keg, and her ear was the fuse. "MO---om! Mom! Help me!" He was dangling from a precarious precipice with a scant hand hold. 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004      And where would I start? I made a path toward the window when suddenly I saw a large water-stained cardboard box with bulging sides. I thought, "I probably don't even want to know where I got this box of grenades. 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004     Me dumb. Me stupid. Me go the wrong way on a one-way street. Me knock you into the middle of the walls of the building across the alleyway!" 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004     I just looked the other way, because the PTA President had a booger on her nose. It was drooping down and looked older than dirt! "Who's that?" I asked. "Who, her? She's the Director of Faith-Based Initiatives at D.C.!" she said sweetly. "This PTA is disbanded. 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004      I know it will be a blue ribbon winner. Look at that flaky crust! Look at those plump chunks of meat on that carcass. This is the best BBQ I've been to!" He shoveled some baked beans on my plate and one big greasy hog jowl. 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004     Stop the presses!!" The editor asked, "What's the matter?" "Can't you see that the weatherman hasn't arrived yet?!! What are we going to do? We have 10 minutes to play ads until we can find the rest of tonight's tape. 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004      Unless you want to die early! Add oat bran to your oatmeal! Add it to your yogurt! 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     So in the spirit of cooperation, we all trooped through the metal detector one by one. When the alarm sounded, the inspector pulled aside a tall glass of iced tea! 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004      I lose myself into their depths; I am drowning in your face, that's where I'm putting this custard pie." 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004     the Minotaur King was relieving himself right above us!" I whispered back, "Now's our chance!" We carefully snuck around until we were right behind him, and with one swift movement, I lunged with my scimitar. It slid between the scales of the Minotaur King's armor and plunged deep into its side. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004      What a find! I grabbed it quickly because I wanted to add it to my collection. I tried it out too. 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004      That's right. You won't be satisfied to stay at home. You'll want to take another trip as soon as you can. The fun is just beginning. Now we are headed for the North Pole! 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004      "Have you had any experience with those?" "Actually, no, I've never seen such a gruesome murder. 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004      You can't get away from that on a farm, you know! Don't worry, it builds the immune system. Although they change with the seasons, there are always chores to do inside and out. day. First I started washing the windows. That took a while. To wash them I used cotton balls and baby oil. 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004      Duck!" he screamed. We all hit the dirt as a huge dinosaur tail whooshed over us. We quickly crawled to the police station and cried for help. 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004     You can use it for digging up earthworms. You know those slick wiggly creatures that are so good for the soil. Why in only one hour they can process 50 pounds of superb cedar mulch. This is the good stuff! Now take it and smoosh it together with your hands. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004      I got the hose inserted into the tire and put in 25 pounds of gas! 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004      Luckily, Rosita's father had a good catch of fish from earlier that day. Digging a hole in the sand, they lay down some firewood. They placed the cooking pan in the outdoor oven which the Ruwandans had built with stone and layers of crushed bones were all that remained of those who opposed the formation of the International Village. 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004     We hadn't been to a museum yet so we jumped up and headed for the closest Starbucks. "Boy, these things are everywhere!" 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004      There was a sale on homemade play dough. It was sealed in sandwich bags labeled "Made by Hand by Xander and Ethan". The play dough looked nice and squishy and came in lots of colors. 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004      If others are present, your only hope is to fart again, only this time fart harder, and hopefully it'll be toxic enough to kill any witnesses. The fact is I cannot believe Bonnie started this story! 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004      I soon decided barefoot was good........if your feet were hot. But not good if your feet were covered with blisters, stuck with splinters, and if the ground oozed with the green slime from that pond we sloshed through earlier, while holding up our rifles so they wouldn't get wet! 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004     I asked, drooling. he exclaimed. "You just drooled on it! You stupid idiot. And that was our last steak in the kitchen! Well, the customer is waiting; we've got to do something. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004     "Yeah." Max replied. "ALL NIGHT FRAT PARTY!!!!!!!!!!" I looked up at Max and said, "Do you know what this means?" "Yeah." Max replied. "ALL NIGHT FRAT PARTY!!!!!!!!!!" At that, the proctor had a massive heart attack and fell over, dead. 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004      But there was no food left to be found, not even a bagel crumb, or a mashed pea, not even an infinitesimal speck of dust on my floors!" And if you let him sweep, then he'll want to shake the rugs outside. 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004      "Is anybody hurt?" I asked. "That was quite a steep waterslide! I don't think I want to go down that again! It scared me too much and when I got to the bottom, I hit a Honda Civic! But since I was in a Hummer, i just kind of rolled over him and kept on going." 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004     "Women!" He thought to himself, " They are so scared of their shadows! Hey if it were left up to me I would never travel with women, I would only travel with my SWISS ARMY KNIFE! And that's ALL I NEED! And my pup tent. In case it rains. 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004     I wondered if I was fast enough to try to run for it, but we tried to talk him out of it, because if they saw him, it would give us all away. 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004      What had happened?! We all ran outside in our white robes and saw to our surprise a big birthday cake, covered with candles and exquisitely patterned icing, sitting on the table. Bonnie exclaimed, " If we could all just CALM DOWN! Everyone please take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of beer on the wall! 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004      What to do?! Maybe we should replace them with soy. Do you think anyone would be able to get all those wads of gum from underneath the tables? They must have accumulated for years! Here, take this old spatula and whack the back of the head of any customers who don't agree to 'super-size' their combos." 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004     I said, "Hot dogs? I thought we we were having T-bone steaks! What a bummer. You know hot dogs give me terrible indigestion, and not only that, they also give me a set of free ginseng knives, you know, the kind you use for energy-supporting herbs. 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004     Real ultimate power is attained by unrelenting karate chops to the back of the neck and across the river, with a single leap of his well-muscled legs. He found himself in the middle of a big pile of threadbare blue mats. he exclaimed. "How can we practice our rolls with all this stuffing coming out?" 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004     It was a hollow sound. But it was the only one he cared about anymore. His laughter, tinged with madness, echoed through the prison daily. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004      Who will draw the long straw to be in it? Who will excape the seething blubbery morass of stinking foul alien green cards. asked Sam, quizzically. the officer replied, "It's the illegal immigrants, the aliens, we give them to. 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004     Sir Greg replied, "I think thou shouldst know that I am now a knight! No more slogging away in the hot wheat fields for me! 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004      This time the judge actually intervened, calling for a brief break, giving him time to steer the ship through the minefield. There were a few close calls, but after about 20 tense minutes she gave up. "I'm so stressed out I can't think. 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004      Yeeha! We graduated! Finally, they spilled out into the aisles of the auditorium and all threw their hats into the air. Yeeha! We graduated! Everyone stood in fearful amazement wondering if they would be doomed to live the rest of their lives up in branches of this oak tree. 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004      She stored them in the back pocket of her blue jeans. She also had a holster for a Colt .45, which she kept cleverly hidden under her jacket. So when she walked into the coffee shop, she immediately put down her heavy backpack. 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     And the best place for that will be in the kitchen, where the food is. Greg nodded slowly and deliberately as he reached for the Ovaltine. When he opened the cabinet, Lo, and behold, he found his missing bottle of pills. Oh, how he had suffered without them!