Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022     The pleasant earthy smell of po-tay-toes! Boil em, mash em, stick inna stew! We landed right in a big pile of dry leaves! The pleasant earthy smell of po-tay-toes! 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021      So we went to the airport and ironically, we were all so hungry we didn't care what we ate, so on the menu was was a Post-it note with the terse message: "OUTSIDE NOW". I looked around but didn't see anyone. I put the menu down slowly, got up and stepped outside into the glorious sunshine! 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021     If I could just sleep for a minute or two, I could probably get enough strength to make it to the road. As my eyelids slid closed of their own volition, the last thing I heard from the crackling, dying radio was "Oh, the weather outside is frightful..." I was so tired. 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020     Nobody ever bothers you, and you have basically infinite free time. If you're into meditation, make sure you have a cup of coffee ahead of time so that you don't accidentally slip on a patch of ice and land face-first in a pile of freshly driven icy cold snow causing me to feel the need to call the airline and confirm my flight hadn't been cancelled. 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020     Hurry! Turn off the lights! Pretend we're not home! We don't have enough food for all those people! 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019     They immediately began playing their trademark heavy metal rock music. But it was all Mannheim Steamroller covers, so we didn't mind. Appearing in the midst of the carnage was Metallica, inside the mouth of a giant robot dinosaur. 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019     I looked at the waiter and exclaimed, " What is wrong with you people?!" Two days is too long to spend driving. It wears you out and subtracts the pleasure from a trip. What you should do along the way is schedule a good amount of trolling. 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     Anyway, it backfired horribly: we were just covered in kiwi fruit puree and crushed red cherries and pineapple. It did look colorful! The best thing to do was pass out spoons and tell everyone to get to their battle stations. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019     Once, they were humble, housecleaning appliances. Now, the weaponized and evolved robovacs had become an army, one which had a single purpose: to clean up the filth that is humanity. 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019     I was still lucid enough to know I was falling toward the mat, and out of the corner of my bloodshot eyes I could see the towering frame of London Bridge, shaking with laughter, as he said " When is the pizza guy going to get here?!! 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019      Ah, man.. I will just go buy some new paper at the local Christmas wrap store. They had every kind you could think of, but I was really drawn to the sparkly tissue wrapping paper! 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018     This was the moment of truth. This was the moment the past several weeks had been building up to. woods or open fields? I had to take a break and drink some ice cold Mountain Dew and eat a bite of pecan praline nougat covered in sticky napalm, which I made by dissolving Styrofoam in gasoline. 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018      Here I am, stuck up on this remote control for the Blu-Ray player. I kept mashing buttons and nothing worked. In frustration, finally I kicked the door. Amazed, I watched while the panel I'd kicked receded, and the door slowly creaked open.... 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018     I'm going to sweep all the possum poop out of the garage and give it to someone who would appreciate it. 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018      How fun! And you definitely need some actual sunglasses if you're going to have an outside job in the summer, as well as a hat, sunscreen, and obviously you also need to have the emergency number nearby in case of a drunk late night customer. 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018      I always carry them with me in case anyone needs them because they have a splinter or a tick or a stray unwanted hair, or in case they have a stray unwanted coyote wandering around, digging in the trash, chasing rabbits. 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018     "They're designed to be mousetraps, and are cute and fuzzy too." I scooped him up and went through a massive stone archway, imposing and mystical. 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017     Ick! I hadn't even considered bringing bug spray. Well, like they say, when life hands you lemons, discard the lemons; make bacon. So I picked up the tick and carried it to the entomology lab for analysis. 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017      What to feed them??? I know! We can give them bowls of scorpions! We scooped them up during our daily desert hike. The sneaky bastards tried to sting us but we were too smart for them.Once we had about 50 of them, we were ready to proceed. 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      Surely someone would figure out that what I really wanted was a simple joy. And isn't that part of the fabric of life? Letting yourself just enjoy all the simple things is life are so valuable. It reminds of all the times that I ever wanted more in my whole life. Surely someone would figure out that what I really wanted was a simple joy. 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017      Something that tastes this good should be offered in the Trump Tower restaurant!! I am sure Donald Trump himself would order at least five! Then arrange them attractively around the orange pools of grease that the pepperoni left behind. 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016     politicians, but true to form, they proceeded to just laugh and point and not help at all. Not only were the kids running around like crazy, the adults were really getting hungry and with the hunger came grumpiness. but then I realized he was listening to praise music on his earbuds and singing along. 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016      Do I need to attend a focus group? And if I did, who would be there? Well, obviously Buzz, Moocher, Ace, The Kid, and Big Toot will be there. 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016      Choosing his favorite one, he popped it into the microwave for 3 minutes, and when he took it out, it looked like a true man cave! 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016      Whee! Now for the fireworks! I hid behind the shrubs and biting my nails, waited for the manicurist to arrive. When she did, she immediately saw what I had been doing, and exclaimed, "These nails look like they've been through a shredder! Were you trying to scrape wallpaper off with them or something? 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016     When they get here, we will make our favorite hamburger strogonoff using ground up stumps. The result is a very useful mulch. Put all of it in the back of the truck and take it to the dump! And while you are there, make sure you pick up some latticework or fishing line because as the vine grows, it wraps around everything in its path and starts choking the other plants when then in desperation they start to prune it, they don't know such actions are misguided. 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016      Now, the only solution would be to tie-dye everything ! So I went shopping and bought 5 boxes of dye. The 5 colors I picked were black, navy blue, charcoal gray, gray, and maroon. 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016      Even Donald Trump would want to own this... I will call him right away and say." 3 large pizzas with pepperoni, red peppers, mushrooms, and plenty of carrots and pieces of coal to make the snowmen's faces. We gathered all of that together and put them in a laundry basket." 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     I know there are tons of photos to go through and sort. We should put the ones of Xander and Ethan in a special embossed hankerchief. It had the monogram "A", which I thought stood for "Ackerson", but it actually was 4 hours before we finally got out of Costco ! Before we left Bonnie go garnished with parsley and those mini hot peppers. 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      Twenty feet below, I could see the dim sparkle of my diamond watch which had slipped off my wrist. Now what?! 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016      How annoying. I needed not only a handkerchief but also a big box of old receipts!" The best way to tackle tedious jobs like that is to sit down with a BIG glass of wine and ponder for a while. Soon, you will feel focused and relaxed and ready to go out the front door to my new life! 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015      They're so busy this time of year, one guy has to drive two trucks! but I had another secret credit card I could use. Aha! I started avidly looking for it, and found it just where I had hidden it: inside a box. 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015     We started by putting in kitchen scraps. Over time, the bugs, the beetles, and the worms digested the compost, and quietly turned it into rich soil. People pay good money for manure and peat, so why not compost too? I decided to find out, so I set up a roadside stand at the end of our driveway, and started waving down every third driver in the Indy 500. 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015      Surprised, she tried to scrape off the slimey skin but underneath she was shocked to find a handful of rare and fragrant Allegra roses! Leaning in close, she could see tiny maggots ! Horrible ! How did they get there? 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015     I was hoping to catch it before it fell into the raging river down below. Unfortunately, just at the last second, I slipped in the mud and slid right into a big pile of manure. That was the last straw! He had had it! He was mad as hell, and wasn't going to take a long time to get through all that! 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015     All he had to do was gesture and we got the gist. Against my better judgement, I thought I would peer down into the hole I found in the back yard, and suddenly up popped a sloth! 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     When I looked into the tub a few minutes later, much to my amazement I saw the tomato vine growing taller & taller right before my eyes! I looked, up into the sky and there was shining the Blue Moon !! 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     Seriously, lead?!?!? Who puts that in a box of chocolate covered cherries. I picked one out and looked closely and crawling out of it, I saw a grayish-white shadow. I thought I could see through it. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015      I received it in the mail and was unsure how to transfer all my information, so I asked Greg to smash my old phone with a hammer! Which he did, and amazingly, nothing happened. 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     Who thought this up anyway?? It must have been Mr. Carrington, the newspaper deliveryman! He was known for being obnoxious to the nth degree. Everyone was gathering into little groups to avoid talking to him. Then suddenly he came toward us and said, "I want my two dollars!" Panicking, I slept. 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015      It's great! The only drawback is that our refrigerator is on the blink and all the food is slowly spoiling. I wonder if Danny Speight would let us borrow his passes to attend a free movie at Regal Cinemas at Kiln Creek. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     Afterwards, I took some oil and rubbed it on my arms to keep away the mosquitoes. It made them so mad they bit me on the back through my shirt! I swatted them with my trowel in one hand and a watering can in the other, nothing can stop me! 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015      You can use sprinkles, candy, curls of chocolate...even tiny toys or other unusual options such as little Hulk faces made of butter and green-colored strips of bacon, ground-up meatballs, and garnished with chicken wings. It was a cupmeatcake. But we weren't done yet! 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     Then when all the cookies were gone they all got out their flashlights hoping to find their way back down the mountain, and all the time they were watching out for armadillos. You have to be careful if you encounter one because You can't tell if it is going to bite you or try to hump you! 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015     They don't accept senior citizens, teenagers, or Discover Card. Oooooooooo. They don't accept senior citizens, teenagers, or Discover Card. But, noooooo oooooooooo. Oooooooooo. They don't accept senior citizens, teenagers, or Discover Card. 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015      Getting hired is one of the biggest energy boosts ever! They say the most important thing to consider when deciding to accept a new job is whether or not to include your brief stint as a soldier of fortune. 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     Or as the famous Latin phrase puts it: " Carpe Noctem !" So we worked through the night putting the final touches on the family portrait. If only everyone would stand still! If only I had remembered all the eggnog was gone! 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     W.C. Fields said that!" I exclaimed. "OK, now it's your best hope for improving your life. So what do you want? 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014      Make sure every strand of ribbon is curled in a spiral and hangs down over the back of the tongue. "Uvula," I said, as I filled in the crossword puzzle. 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014     It seems pretty obvious if the toilet won't even flush. Now what?! I went outside to get a fresh bucket of water, just in case it catches fire. 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014      I said, " Now I know my electric bill will go up!" I was kidding of course, but I knew now the county would surely waive the rule about no inflatables taller than 40 feet! Some people think they are dead! But they're just acting. They're just lying there waiting to be strung from shrub to shrub. 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     "That thing is enormous!" The doctor yelled. "We have to operate now! There's no time to climb down! Just jump! As soon as you get your balance, you can play Pac-Man with your feet ! 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014     It was a long, intense process to add cybernetic enhancements to a super-soldier; one that would begin to wear on the subject's consciousness if left dormant. Limitless options were available, as the soldier could make up his own scenario which would be programmed into the simulation computer. 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     It was brilliant! So much in fact that I had to cover my eyes with cucumbers slices. This spa was my favorite. It boasted a supersize Beefsteak tomato that must have weighed 10 pounds each. "How could you think we would need this much sun tan lotion?!! 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014      And I am sure they would all bring their own beer. Last time we had an all-night video game marathon, the beer alone cost me all the money I made mowing lawns all summer! 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     Everyone dived under their seats, and immediately someone switched on the vacuum cleaner. But it was so loud, we couldn't hear the movie! "HEY!! SHUT THAT OFF!" I yelled. Then some other people also stood up, put their hands over their hearts, and with great gusto, they sang " 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     Humvees, trucks, tanks on trailers, and even a snail could have gone around the block faster than that turtle which was stampeding through peanut butter. Hey! That's my peanut butter!! 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013     Want a return to the moral, family values that made this country great? Then you need to put your feet up sometimes. Do you want more freedom? Want a return to the moral, family values that made this country great? 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     I was halfway through getting an upgrade for my level 1 Floor Sweeper. To get to level 2 he has to upgrade his shoes; one way to do this is to plod along methodically, but some people work better after they have cleansed their systems with special vegetarian drinks made with pureed kale. 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     Some like it hot, some like it cold, some like it in the pot ten days old. Peter picked a peck of pickled quail eggs. The secret to winning the eating contest is, before the start bell sounds, separate out all the smallest lambs to put into the new Minecraft corral handily built by none other than Jack! 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     This crazy weather had been going on for thousands of years. No one could have anticipated the catastrophe that was just around the corner. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     Predictably, that place exploded like a blue-light special at K-Mart. During the bedlam, I ran out through the back, evading my pursuers and finding myself in a pickle. 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     :( The sound of fall is wind blowing rustling leaves. The soft summer breeze has become crispy. I know when I hear that sound, it means someone's at the door. And just my luck, I'm right in the middle of a shower! But what if it's important? What if we ran out of food?!! 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     Next I got out the shop vac to try to scoop up that big puddle of spit on the desk where I apparently had passed out from exhaustion. on the Discovery channel, and in the other hand I was flipping through my JOGAR recipe book I found a recipe for pizza with added chopped beef? 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012     That's not champagne. It's actually going to be a Midnight Madness Sale and we will certainly be going to it and after that we want to get a bite to eat at the newly opened wormhole in the fabric of space!" 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011      To begin with you need a plan and some money for new shelves. Not just any shelves, but the kind that are made of old rotten athletic shoes. 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011      I took the strands out of the bag and placed them one by one on the shooting gallery. Kids paid $1 to take turns using an Airsoft rifle to try and knock them down. I kept this up for almost an hour before the store managers realized what I was doing and chased me off, but by that time I had earned enough points to get a prime rib sandwich free at WaWa, they were all out! 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     Help me reload my shotgun! That dern zombie took a chunk out of my arm and I can barely keep my eyelids open! The reason must be that I ate too much brains! I don't have any room left for you." The zombie lumbered off and I knew I had to beef up my defenses in a big way. 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     Unfortunately she could not bear to get rid of anything after all the decluttering, so she proceeded systematically to attack the zombies! zombies had invaded and were eating people's brains and throwing newspapers helter skelter down from the attic until finally everything was listed on Ebay and Craigslist. 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009     Because you never know when it's finally time to give up and check the map to see where you are really going. Why you might not even have time to check under the car, behind the seats, and in the glovebox. Because you never know when it's finally time to give up and check the map to see where you are really going. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     Cheese and eat lots of crap pizza and drink cheap beer. After enough beer, even the crap pizza tasted like a chili cheese dog. 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008      First into each eye we will put some Vicodin in your hand. A couple of these and you won't feel a thing! I should know, I use them whenever I am doing brain surgery. One day I misplaced them and believe it or not I found them in the dumpster next to Chase Arbor Commons. 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007      Moments later, they came upon a wide, glistening puddle of goo. It looked like an experiment by Dr. 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007     Because it's Bob Vila: The Game. If you get enough points you can upgrade to a laser level, which lets you upgrade your hero another level without having to restart the level every time you died. You could reload, jump to your feet, and with all my new armor I would be invincible! 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007     I then tried to decide what fertilizer to use. I had to choose between organic compost or that big bag of hot air, Joe Blow or Joe Schmoe or whatever his name is. 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007     she yelled over her armful of wallpaper rolls, paint chips, and fabric squares. 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006     He swiftly landed in full view of the spectators that had gathered to watch the race! They cheered, they waved, and they put the pedal to the metal and zoomed past the hidden radar. Quick as a wink, they saw blue lights in the rear view mirrors, so they hightailed it across the state, carefully avoiding known speed traps, living off of coffee and Slim Jims, and sleeping in the car in Wal-Mart parking lots. 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006     He may have to terminate his membership at the country club. Or sell one of his beamers. Or he could always try to throw up in the bedpan. Why don't the nurses ever come when you need them? Maybe it's because they accidentily stitched him up with tools still inside his abdominal cavity! 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006      As a CPA, I know all about the financial complexities involved in running a business. My name's Carl. I'm an accountant. One day the boss looked over my shoulder and started laughing hilariously, and then he bellowed, " I'm starvin'! 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006     I could the pressure building in my lower abdomen. If I waited any longer I would poop on myself! So I turned around and I rushed toward the massive oak tree in order to hide behind it. 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006     Then we retaliated with a barrage of German invective. we snarled informally. Shocked, he picked his beret out of the muddy gutter, shook it off and put it on his resume. 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006     We put it in hyperdrive and watched with glee, when it started to spark and sizzle from all the electricity coursing through it. I could hear the whine of the power meter dials spinning. I could hear the sound of sleigh bells coming from the roof! Could it be? Would I really get to see Santa Claus??? 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005     You're no match for our shoulder-mounted quantum rocket launchers!" Without further ado or hesitation, he pulled out his Equalizor, opening very carefully the hatch, and peering in; there seemed to be a strange odor drifting out. 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005     The mayor was there, several state councilmen were there, we even saw George Allen, John Warner, and Harvey Morgan in the foyer, and they were having a heated discussion about which burned longer: a violin or a viola. 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005      I wasn't the one driving, and I was petrified as I sat there in the passenger seat (on the left side). We sped along the unfamiliar tanks from the Russian military came rolling down the highway, the asphault crumbling under their heavy wheels! 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005      What else could happen?!! Right away we started looking for a ribbon to put on the ribbon and I was good to go! The only thing that was still bugging me was what to get for the person on my list that was the hardest to buy for: my loud and noxious neighbor. 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005      That's why we never eat at McDonald's anymore! The new kitchen at Mc Donald's could satisfy even a barnyard full of swine. That's why we never eat at McDonald's anymore! It would seem that fast-food production was more streamlined and technology-driven than even Dilbert could ever imagine! 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005     We made enough for 50 people! So we invited the whole neighborhood, and when they all showed up we gave them a couple bucks and told them to go fetch us a newspaper. While we waited, the kids were able to play a beanbag game. 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015      Who knows? I might be spotted by the next agency of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. I stepped through the door and fell through a hole in the floor! 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005     No light speed??? Would it help if I released the emergency brake? She smiled sweetly and pushed the button that sent them all hurtling into a black hole. What! No light speed??? Would it help if I released the emergency brake? She smiled sweetly and pushed the button that sent them all hurtling into a black hole. 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005     Which would put it at about 25 years old. There was also an acoustic coupler modem on display. "Wow!" I exclaimed when my turn came to say Wow! Ah just kidding! The new teacher was quite a knock-out! 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005      Make sure all your teenagers have a good supply, and are wearing this new hairnet. We all know that sanitation is very low priority around here, which is why your show is on suspension!" exclaimed Kent. 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005      To do this, you just need a lot of patience. One day at a time, we worked at moving the vast quantities of toddler turds out of the house. We used snow shovels most of the time, but sometimes we used cloth diapers when we ran out of all the clean air in the house was being gradually contaminated by the encroaching fog of green stench. 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005     The scintillating tones of Mozart, Bach, and Beethoven drifted with all their smokey offensive odor toward my patio! Not only were they noise polluters, they're even polluting my drainage ditch with their trash. They aren't just noisy, they are very dirty people too! 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005     I think the best way would be to just act natural. That way we can glide more easily into the gulch, where we will be protected from the oncoming onslaught of tornadoes. Well, safer, anyway. There's no telling what we will do if we start down that mountain and our brakes give out! 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005     If you blow a tire and hit the fence, you know what could happen: spontaneous decapitation. So it would be better to replace the little Honda engine that sounds like a lawnmower with a Chevy big block, which was just delivered by Jeff Gordon himself! 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005     Actually it sounded like a pretty good idea. So I went ahead and drank my own urine, since that was the only way to survive. Three days later, we were so thirsty our tongues were sticking to the plan. This is great news! 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005     Next thing you know, you'll be able to actually see your toes instead of your belly and put your wedding ring on without using petroleum jelly! Awesome! But there's one thing that would better than that, and that's when you'll start to notice the fat just melting off! 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005      There's a warning label. You give it to somebody, and when they open it, 20 bullfrogs will jump out! Won't they be surprised. But the really big surprise was that my daughter's decorated mud pies were selling like crazy! 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005     Whoa Nellie! That's looks like a squadron of Russian MiGs attempting to intercept my vector! Little do they know there are hidden bombs on board. And only I know the code to release them. Moo-ha ha! 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005     It would clash with the light-colored decor in his server room, but he didn't care--he was a dork. On the way out I could feel everyone's eyes on me, and I thought, "That's right ladies, you know you want a year's supply of ball point pens and above all a year's supply of comic books. 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005      Only problem now was the fact that scratching the rash had left me with less than $5 in my pocket. I could not afford to have them do that diagnostic test, so I told him, "That's okay, I probably don't need both kidneys. 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     All I have to do is take all this extra cat litter and put it in the display case at the local Pet Store. It will spark so much interest, you'll be building the biggest mega-cat-condo in the world! Now it should be simple to fix. All I have to do is take all this extra cat litter and put it in the display case at the local Pet Store. 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005      Quit that! You're getting wallpaper paste all in my hair! uh oh, I'm all out. That's OK, because we bought extra rolls just in case. 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005     Well, I did, anyway. She thought that the circular saw would be perfect to slice the ham and salami for our lunch that day - can you believe that?" I almost lost it - not only were there woodchips in my sandwich, but now my favorite electric tool was perfect for sanding the hardwood floor prior to refinishing it. 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005      I am your free taxi service today! But if you feel you must, you can just give me a chance! I'll be the best Space Marine you've ever seen, I promise! 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005     and see right before our eyes the ground rushing up toward us! No time to lose; the passengers were eating up all the pretzels! Somebody slow them down! 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005     "We want more crackerjacks! We want more juice. Fluff up our pillows! Don't you know who we are? a SHRUBBERY! Or else you will regret it!" So I said, "Honey, I'm not in it for the lettuce! 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005      He shouted. "Close that window before that monkey gets in!" But it was too late, the hot cheese was dripping down onto the bottom of the oven and causing a terrible night with Nielsen's ratings. This was the lowest ranked show ever! 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005     Then everyone will know that you grew up in the Sixties. We can tell because your clothes look so cool, they have to be made in Greenland by eskimos. 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005     She then quit, and got a job at the Farmer's Market selling vegetables. She smiled and said "Don't use that cream for your coffee, because I think it is time to switch to decaf!" 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005     Scraping them off was out of the question, so the best thing we could think to do was pry them off with a crowbar, clean them up and stew them. Well anyway I was ready to play shuffleboard! So when I asked the recreation director where to go, he told me to go jump in the lake. I said "I can do better than that! 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005     I pushed the lever and water erupted from the white platform. That's when I realized: it was a giant bidet! But to use a bidet this large, someone would have to have a butt the size of a pouf chair which happened to be covered with at least an inch of freeze-dried shrimp had rained down onto the roadway. 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005      So we're focusing on diet, exercise, stress management and decluttering of house, home, and mind. 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005     This team of friends had agreed to buy all the ingredients to make homemade pizza. So before they went to the store they made a list of ingredients: Trix cereal, cinnamon bun, chocolate milk, and peanut butter cookies! All part of a balanced beam that came crashing through the front door. 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005     It's up to us to determine which way the world goes. With the intelligence we gain, not so good...That is the question. 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005     Soon we felt better, so we hightailed it over to the rodeo to see how long we could stay seated on that wild bucking brown and white streaks on my skin! 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005      Unfortunately the sandwiches were cold and tasted old. And it's no wonder: the workers behind the counter looked as if they had been shopping for three days straight! 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005     we'll be able to afford all the makeup we will ever need. And big mirrors too. When we look into the mirrors, we want to see a little more attitude. Show me that anorexic girl who came in a while ago. 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005      Right now I'm thinking it's a good night's sleep! If I could just get that, everything else would fall into place. Other times, who knows? Will I be a n00b for the rest of my life? None of this makes sense to me. 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005      We started carefully cleaning it, and were surprised to discover that under the dirt was the wrapper from my Brown Mule. Oh I could be in big trouble! I quickly stuck it into my hat. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005     I had enough to make two layers. And then I wallpapered the bathroom with all my receipts from Lowe's... I had enough to make two layers. 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005      Next, eat some ice cream. This should remind you of the pleasure of eating. anymore! Or in the children's section! You can finally eat whatever you please, whenever you please, even if it means you see the number on the scale go up one! 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005     "Hey, take those back down! You don't build a roof with wheels of gouda cheese! Are you insane?" "Well, at least I didn't try to dig a basement. I'm sure if I did I would have an underground playroom! Complete with tire swing, roller-skating area, dress-up box, and kitchenette! 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005      A sign of a true ninja is lack of contentment. There is always another challenge around the corner, and the ninja must waste no time seeking it out! Therefore, today I ate 5 bowls of chili beans with chopped up hot dogs. 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005     I had found this out by trying to push down ALL the little red levers. The volunteer outside the curtain heard all the mechanical sounds and mumbling, and called out to him, "It doesn't work like that! 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005      Before most of us even had a chance to warm up and get going, one of the scouts was back with fantastic news. The rain of the night before had stranded several earthworms on the sidewalk! 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005     We looked at him like we was nuts. We took it and squeezed it as hard as we could. Then we took both ends and twisted them into mangled balls of metal. The giant robot then kicked them out of his way, like soccer balls made of tin foil. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005     My new flexibility was a great asset to my health. I thought it was worth a try, so I plugged in some batteries and turned it on. Lights started flashing red, white, and blue! It was the Presidential Parade! And here came the President himself riding in a strange car, wearing a strait jacket. 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004     Enuf into the freezer to get cold. It will really taste good with a piece of moldy bread!" Who knows how long that had been there! "That's disgusting!" I said. "We're going to need some industrial-strength cleaner! Russell used some when he worked at Busch; let's call him." 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004      I whispered. We even tried to quiet our breathing, fast and loud from our sprint. We pressed our backs against the wall, trying to hide in the shadow of the titanic Doom-Bot, which Dr. Nefarious had unleashed upon the unsuspecting city. Little did he know, right around the corner there was Emil Blonsky, better known as the Abomination! 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004     she said sweetly. "This PTA is disbanded. All your children will be going to Christian charter schools from now on!" 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004     He was behaving like a crazy judge out to block anyone and everyone from winning a blue ribbon, much less the coveted county prize: the purple ribbon. 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004     Here with their opinions on this story are economics expert Bylo Sellhi, and psychologist Druggum Tilltheyzone: "It is simple to see that John Kerry is a drugged up spendthrift." 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004      I need more flavor! Pilot! Pilot! I need a pilot! Oh, I forgot my plane ride is over. Good thing I asked for a Kosher meal. I guess that's why they gave me a plate of warm stir-fried vegetable with tofu crumbles." 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     You have home-made napalm. I love the smell of cedar. You can just sit in the shade of the trees and enjoy the breeze and listen to the crunching of the tacos, the sloshing of the margaritas, and the sizzling of the fajitas. 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004     So we played a boom box until the windows started to tremble. We lowered the volume just in time before the other dancer jumps over you. The idea is to create the picture of water with the water birds in it. So the next move is a demi plie; just swirl around and fluidly reach for your toes and come back up to face the audience. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004     Giant scorpions, venomous snakes and worse hounded our every step. We turned a corner and tripped over a string somebody had stretched along near the floor! "Why would somebody put that there?" I grumbled as I tried my best not to throw up. It wasn't easy I can tell you. I pursed my lips and grimaced and I then proceeded to back up. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004      While I was whirling it around my waist, I started to feel nostalgia for the carefree days of my youth, once so far away, but now closer for seeing the whole collection of Scooby Doos all in one place was amazing! What a sight to see! I wonder if I could take them all home? 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004      When they tried to dance, they ended up in the Taj Mahal, surrounded by furious Muslim imams! 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004     Ask me anything. Because I'll have an answer for you. It may not be the answer you want to hear, but it'll be too bad if we don't get these filthy jail cells cleaned out. The sargeant will take a fit. To clean them, he will probably want us to use stun guns. 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004     Then we realized it was just Sid fartin'. He does that whenever the pigs and hogs won't share their slop. What a mess they make! 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004      "It's so humid and hot here. I'm so sweaty." Everyone agreed and started looking around. "Look at all these fossilized bones. I wonder how old they really are. Would they be as old as me?" She shook her head, and replied "I imagine these dinosaurs are at least 100 years old. 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004      There is no better smell except for the smell of tulips, lavender, and freshly cut grass. Oh yes, and don't forget the fresh-baked biscuits that were brought to us by UPS, the BROWN people. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004      And every time I get to the bottom, I have this feeling of diarrhea running down my pants leg... That's when I know it's time to turn around and head for home. 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004      Digging a hole in the sand, they lay down some firewood. They placed the cooking pan in the outdoor oven which the Ruwandans had built with stone and layers of crushed bones were all that remained of those who opposed the formation of the International Village. 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004      The huge stained glass windows glowed from the sunshine outside. In the far corner we spotted a group of But enough about that. We hadn't been to a museum yet so we jumped up and headed for the closest Starbucks. "Boy, these things are everywhere!" 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004      Hey, maybe we could have our own TOY factory! We could invent new ones! And we could sell some of them to the President of the Unites States! He's all about quality, donchew know." We had to agree it was a good idea. But what to do next? And where to go next? 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004     Sometimes they're so loud they are deafening; so cacophonous they pierce your ears; so mind-boggling they make your butt steam! If that happens, the only thing you can do is blow it out with all your might. Then you will feel 100 % better. 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004      For instance, one time he made us agree with him, after having each of us rub his fuzzy head, that buzz cuts are the only way to go. 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004     "You gonna eat that?" I asked, drooling. he exclaimed. "You just drooled on it! You stupid idiot. And that was our last steak in the kitchen! Well, the customer is waiting; we've got to do something. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004     Kids these days, they just want--errgkhh..." At that, the proctor had a massive heart attack and fell over, dead. 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004      One can never be too careful. For example, if you are going to take a ride in a car, you should always wear your mouse fur coat. 300 mice died to provide you with that stylishly avant-garde attire, and don't let them forget it. Every time they see you they'll turn around and moon you, and I mean every time! 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004     Don't you ever get tired of going to the same place for vacation every year? This time, why don't you go to the creek and wade in the cold water? It will cool you off and you will feel much better. 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004     I exclaimed. "How can you think about food at a time like this? Do you realize our first priority is AIR?" "Women!" He thought to himself, " They are so scared of their shadows! 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004     I held it up and yelled, " BE QUIET! BE QUIET! BE QUIET!" And then he yelled it again with even more emphasis," REVENGE IS SWEET, AND A DISH BEST SERVED COLD!!" 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004     She looked at me and said, "You look so sad. Why are you so blue? I think you need to sit in this massage chair and just relax. Here, I will turn on some soft music. by Wagner, done entirely with a quartet of kazoos? screamed Bonnie, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MEDITATE WHEN YOU KEEP TALKING TO ME???!! 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004      I don't know why, exactly. Probably having to do with the crispiness. 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004     The orc blood this recipe called for had to be room temperature. But they were cold, fresh out of the frig. Being in a hurry, she held them to her belly in order to warm their little wet bodies. 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004     he said. " We can take them and subject them to my newest ultimate move: Swirling Vortex of Thousand-Hand Doom!" He stealthily lunged out from under cover, and they immediately began shooting 360 degrees around their location, blowing away over half the threat in the first 4 seconds. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004     And on a friday, too! Now what kind of weekend was he going to have? He decided to put all his savings into that new tech stock that everyone was raving about. And the name of it was "Ackerson Savings & Loans & Stuff". It had been in business for 20 years, but it had to be demolished to make way for a Stop-n-Go. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004      Now what?!! "I guess we will have to get out those old-fashioned space suits. What bummer!" So they hurried to put on their Superman underwear, because it was as inspiring as nothing else is. Thusly donned, they left--earning strange stares since the underwear was actually their outerwear. 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004     The Earl replied with a bow, "And I named the cheese after thee, milord." Then the Count called all the servants together to tell them the bad news: They would no longer get free sandwiches until the draconian taxes levied by the Duke of Hazzarde were removed. 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004     "I want my toys back now!" Lord Elsington exclaimed. But Barrister denied that his client had done any real wrong. The prosecutor, Miss Na Tasha scrambled up fuming. 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004     What they wanted to charge us was absolutely ridiculous. "I know," Betty said, "Let's go to the library and do research about Guinea Worms. You know how to get them out of your leg, don't you? 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004      He didn't want to be so anal-retentive, so he stopped himself from measuring his head to make sure the part was exactly in the middle. But then all day long he could not take his mind off this difficult problem. What a challenge! There just had to be a way to satisfy all the parties involved. 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     It was powerful. So powerful, in fact, So they went ahead and ran around the block fifteen times just to be sure.