Story ID | Title | Creator | Status | Num Entries | Date Finished
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174 | Springtime in Virginia | betty | Done | 22 | 12/27/2022 |
that's not got much Spam in it." And when they say, "I don't want ANY Spam! then I'll reply, "You are the biggest dummy I have ever seen!! You are the biggest dummy I have ever seen!
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173 | Daylight Saving Time ! | betty | Done | 23 | 4/21/2021 |
Just 2 more weeks and we will have an extra hour of daylight! I welcome that as much as I welcome having more hours of daylight to work outside in the yard, there's also something to be said for the comfort of a sherpa blanket.
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172 | A Winter Day in the Wilderness | bonnie | Done | 22 | 2/15/2021 |
I was so tired. If I could just sleep for a minute or two, I could probably get enough strength to make it to the road. As my eyelids slid closed of their own volition, the last thing I heard from the crackling, dying radio was "Oh, the weather outside is frightful..."
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171 | Oh, the weather outside is frightful... | betty | Done | 22 | 12/31/2020 |
For some reason, security had been increased overnight by a factor of 10. Once we entered the most secure part of the facility, it became clear what had everyone on edge: There was a large hidden aquarium covered with heavy drapes.
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170 | The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! | betty | Done | 23 | 1/13/2020 |
You boil those separately. They make good broth. Once you're sure you have them all, put them in your mouth.
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169 | A Breath of Fresh Air | bonnie | Done | 22 | 11/15/2019 |
The band would not wait! They moved on with their cheerfully rapid tempo, but mortifyingly, came withering to a halt, when he failed to play the next measure.
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168 | Toiling at 3 a.m. | betty | Done | 22 | 10/13/2019 |
category for an hour and I wasn't even halfway through! There must be a faster way! But I just kept scrubbing with the bar of grit and learned online, I should be using my reading glasses. I thought the title of this story was "Trolling at 3am", so I went on the interwebs and collected the most toxic posts I could find, and I mixed them all together into a steaming hot mess, but unfortunately they didn't balance.
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167 | The Reckoning of the Kiwis | xander | Done | 22 | 7/28/2019 |
As the countdown began, the Kiwis settled comfortably back in their form-fitting astronaut seats and prepared for take-off. They had no worries, no nervous tics, and grinned at each other knowing they would be the first to land on Mars and start a Kiwi Colony!
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166 | Somebody's Gotta Do It ! | betty | Done | 22 | 7/8/2019 |
The Vet was astounded. He said, " it must have been caused by faulty logic!" A collective gasp of shock was followed by stunned silence as everyone tried to understand how to keep 2 cats who used to be friends from absolutely screaming at each other.
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165 | I love Thunderstorms ! | betty | Done | 21 | 6/10/2019 |
And you know who else knows? Why of course: Thunderstorms' trainer, big brother, and Union Jack-adorned fellow wrestler, London Bridge. Bridge was the broadest of wrestlers in the league, and about twice as wide as a mere mortal. He tried not to walk sideways to get through most doorways but he had to anyway, and he took in stride when the rest of us ribbed him about it.
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164 | Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! | betty | Done | 23 | 1/9/2019 |
They would be so impressed with my new toy' When they arrived they looked at my grand display and with great enthusiam, they said, "
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163 | Let's Set Fire to the Woods | xander | Done | 21 | 12/7/2018 |
I had to take a break and drink some ice cold Mountain Dew and eat a bite of pecan praline nougat covered in sticky napalm, which I made by dissolving Styrofoam in gasoline. This was the moment of truth. This was the moment the past several weeks had been building up to.
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162 | Some Kind of Adventure | xander | Done | 23 | 9/10/2018 |
Obviously it's because I did not have a flying carpet when I needed one!" Now what? Here I am, stuck up on this remote control for the Blu-Ray player.
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161 | That Garage ! | betty | Done | 22 | 8/9/2018 |
Well you have to start somewher' Why not start in this corner where there is an unnecessary collection of used tissues.
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160 | I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? | betty | Done | 24 | 8/3/2018 |
After all I don't want hands that look like a pair of sunglasses! How fun! And you definitely need some actual sunglasses if you're going to have an outside job in the summer, as well as a hat, sunscreen, and obviously you also need to have the emergency number nearby in case of a drunk late night customer.
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159 | A large, healthy tuft of stump grass | bonnie | Done | 22 | 7/18/2018 |
In planning for the Kidz Festival, it looks like we overestimated the resilience of grass. Sure, it can be tough, but once the chainsaw got involved, there was great danger!
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158 | Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse | betty | Done | 21 | 7/11/2018 |
So be very, very careful never to leave a trail of crumbs to your bedside! Nor should you neglect to shine a flashlight into all the dark corners. A clean, clear smell of fresh mouse urine....ahhhh! Milo must be nearby! Maybe he is resting in a soft bowl of potpourri to freshen the air.
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157 | Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus | betty | Done | 22 | 7/6/2017 |
I even could detect the smell of SUCCESS!! With their youthful energy and can-do attitude, nothing could stop the students from rioting about the demolition of the omelet bar. NO !! What to do?? They, to a man, all decided to rush the stage.
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156 | San Antonio Vacation | greg | Done | 22 | 5/27/2017 |
Right across the street was a dog kennel for stray dogs of all sizes. I walked across and peeked through the fence and saw himself!
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155 | Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! | betty | Done | 21 | 2/5/2017 |
And isn't that part of the fabric of life? Letting yourself just enjoy all the simple things is life are so valuable. Surely someone would figure out that what I really wanted was a simple joy. And isn't that part of the fabric of life?
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154 | Different Pizza Toppings | greg | Done | 21 | 1/11/2017 |
Saturday Night Fever"--it makes you want to dance, but you wouldn't admit to your high-society friends that you like it. Something that tastes this good should be offered in the Trump Tower restaurant!! I am sure Donald Trump himself would order at least five!
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153 | But I don't want to! | bonnie | Done | 20 | 11/13/2016 |
Excellent! Now we're stocked up for some New Year's Eve stompin' noisy fun! Now all we need are some light refreshments and light classical music.
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152 | We Need More Enthusiasm ! | betty | Done | 22 | 10/16/2016 |
I told everybody, "Just remember how we rehearsed it: Keep smiling and always brush your teeth before you do. Buy a dentist-approved toothbrush and a big tube of t-shirts to shoot into the crowd!" everyone responded, with enthusiasm. High-fiving all around, we proceeded to hunt for what we would need: big gift baskets filled with bubble bath, chocolate candy, and packets of candy.
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151 | Xander's New Dorm Room | bonnie | Done | 21 | 9/9/2016 |
There's literally a party going on in the hall outside my door!" He hadn't even realized it, though, because he had not taken a shower in so long!
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150 | Trying to Keep Cool ! | betty | Done | 22 | 8/20/2016 |
So we immediately went loco. Smashing chairs, flipping over tables, drinking liquor after drinking beer, queuing up Taylor Swift songs on the jukebox, it was complete bedlam. That is, until the water hose sprang a leak!
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149 | The Stump Vine | bonnie | Done | 21 | 4/26/2016 |
I looked it up on wikipedia and it said a stump vine is just a another name for a happening that is probably rare where they live, but a common occurrence around these parts.
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148 | Laundry | colleen | Done | 20 | 4/2/2016 |
So, now we pre-treat the stains with a solution of water and detergent. Sorting laundry correctly is very important. If you mix darks with whites, the whites will turn pink if you wash the reds with them!
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147 | It's snowing!!! | colleen | Done | 29 | 2/22/2016 |
I will call him right away and say." 3 large pizzas with pepperoni, red peppers, mushrooms, and plenty of carrots and pieces of coal to make the snowmen's faces.
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145 | Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! | betty | Done | 21 | 2/5/2016 |
It had the monogram "A", which I thought stood for "Ackerson", but it actually was 4 hours before we finally got out of Costco ! Before we left Bonnie go garnished with parsley and those mini hot peppers. But, they were so hungry that they did not have enough cash to pay for the purchases at Costco, so they emptied all their pockets and ended up with the dollar amount of $ 4, payable in two Thomas Jefferson bills.
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144 | Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! | colleen | Done | 20 | 1/10/2016 |
Now what?! I gingerly circumnavigated the sharp rocks and came upon an enormous double cheeseburger. It must have weighed two pounds. It almost covered the plate! Next to it was a plastic pot containing a pitiful plant, nearly dead from lack of internet service.
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143 | Resolutions for the New Year ! | betty | Done | 22 | 1/9/2016 |
Soon, you will feel focused and relaxed and ready to go out the front door to my new life! So I put on my hat, opened the door, walked out on to the front porch, and stepped into a new suit! Perfectly pressed and tailored, it did wonders for my mood, and I felt so happy and confident, I called up all my friends and invited them over for a little thing we like to call an "Intervention."
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142 | Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! | betty | Done | 21 | 12/14/2015 |
Make sure you never tie a yellow ribbon 'round that old oak tree, because this is a Jonny Cash town, you hear? If you can't sing at least the first verse of Folsom Prison Blues, you'll get kicked out of the 4-H Club faster than you can say "
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141 | Dual Composters | greg | Done | 21 | 12/13/2015 |
I had to wait about two weeks. Then, once I found my shovel and a bucket, it was time to start to start bagging up the compost to sell at our roadside stand.Per bag, the price would start at $159.00 Some may say that's high, but it's worth it because good compost does not stink !
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140 | Deli Bologna | greg | Done | 22 | 11/28/2015 |
Stunned, the grocer just stood there holding the orange he had been peeling, he squeezed it a little too hard and a spurt flew directly into his display of twenty-five varieties of Deli Bologna!
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139 | Getting Ready for Fall ! | betty | Done | 21 | 10/29/2015 |
I had gotten as ready as I could for this fall, and now the only thing left was to sit back in my easy chair and enjoy a cool sparkling glass of Mountain Dew ! So take a deep breath and enjoy the wonderful fall smell of burning leaves and the aromatic essence of powdered Dramamine, which helped keep my lunch down as the plane bounced and quivered its way to jump altitude.
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138 | Slatherage | greg | Done | 21 | 9/16/2015 |
He slowly inched through the pasture field dodging cow pies and carefully watching out for the hot-tempered bull, which was hiding behind a clump of weeds. The General abruptly stiffened with alertness.
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137 | Growing Those Tomatoes ! | betty | Done | 21 | 8/1/2015 |
Unexpectedly, the plants were hit with a terrible blight which quickly made them perk up. I was satisfied with that, so then I sprayed the tomatoes with a solution to kill the blight.
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136 | Midnight snack | colleen | Done | 21 | 6/11/2015 |
Then through a little crack in the sugary glaze I saw several disgusting guests on late-night talk shows. They were rude, slovenly, and told rambling, barely-coherent stories about parasites. You should be careful about what you watch on TV before you go to bed.
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135 | That New Smart Phone | betty | Done | 22 | 6/10/2015 |
The only thing that could settle my nerves now would be if I could take some time to remove all the apps I don't like. Yeah like that new Alpha Betty game, it is not exactly fun and reminds me of HAL, the creepy computer in that science fiction movie.
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134 | NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS | greg | Done | 24 | 6/3/2015 |
And his line is "Ayyyy." Boooooo Wooooo was that an excellent comeback or what?! Wheeee we said as we sailed down the waterslide straight into a big pool of water mixed with just enough corn starch to Eat.
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133 | Why me!?!! | colleen | Done | 23 | 6/3/2015 |
Then we'll get a new phone. Then we'll get a PS4. and sure enough, an F5 tornado appeared out of nowhere and destroyed the whole town and everyone in it, including us. Dang it.
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132 | Backyard Projects | betty | Done | 22 | 5/28/2015 |
Obviously that will help improve the borders of the property by planting every 18 inches a small new sprout. So many new beginnings! It's so encouraging to see all the worms twisting and turning in the new worm farm which was another new project thought up by the very garden gnomes who now completed the whimsical tableau.
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131 | Cupcakes! | colleen | Done | 22 | 5/26/2015 |
I wanted the batter to stay fluffy, so very gently I hollowed out each cupcake and spooned in a mixture of soft serve ice cream, grated coconut, ground-up Kit-Kat bars, and wet walnuts. I put it all into one big gigantic bowl. I had to have plenty of room to make the icing made with butter and powdered sugar.
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129 | Climbing Enchanted Rock | betty | Done | 21 | 5/2/2015 |
I nudged up against one, and it started to move toward a shady spot under a rock. There, under a little tree, we saw all colors of lichens growing on the bald rock. When I touched one, it felt rough. I decided to take a picture. I took out my camera and turned around facing west where in the distance we could see giant floaters in our vision!
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128 | I Need to Take a Trip ! | betty | Done | 22 | 4/16/2015 |
Good thing I was not looking directly at it, and a good thing I was wearing my asbestos underwear! It was so hot! It made me want to go to San Antonio, Texas to visit Bonnie, Chad, Xander, Ethan, and their dog named all the cats in the neighborhood: "Stinky", "Spazzy", "Sissy McWeepington", "Sir Pukesalot", etc.
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127 | Bonnie's New Tutoring Job | bonnie | Done | 27 | 4/16/2015 |
It's also hard to get anything posted on Facebook! Those crazy kids need more medications for their birthdays!
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126 | Getting Ready for New Year's Eve | betty | Done | 22 | 2/18/2015 |
"Hahaha! I got yer new year's resolution right here!!" I cackled as I popped the champagne bottle to test it. The cork went flying through the air and landed in the punch bowl!
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125 | New Year's Resolutions | bonnie | Done | 22 | 12/24/2014 |
Well, say you resolve to go jogging every morning. You make an agreement that every morning this person will cry a river of tears, because of thankfulness that you made such a positive difference! Good for you! Keep up the good work! You know, nobody ever changed the world by sitting on a stack of steaming hot pancakes.
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124 | Get Those Presents Wrapped ! | betty | Done | 22 | 12/24/2014 |
Take one down, pass it around and around until it's good and tight. Just to be sure, shake it to be sure it's tight enough. You can be confident it is if you leave the presents on your friend's front porch who lives in the ghetto that they will be picked up by a bunch of charity workers.
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123 | We Need a Plumber ! | betty | Done | 22 | 12/12/2014 |
And we soon had enough to make brownies with. But the plumber was allergic to walnuts! He went into anaphylactic shock and died. Oh well, more brownies for us. Blind and coughing, I flailed around, reaching for the plunger, I gritted my teeth, closed my eyes, and put all my strength into crushing the walnuts with my bare hands....
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122 | Christmas Decorations | bonnie | Done | 22 | 12/12/2014 |
"What!" I exclaimed. "I'm a high-class dude, so I require REAL POWER." I stared quizzically at Vladimir Putin, who was in turn staring intensely at a full-size horse and licking his lips. With a glorious roar, he hefted it over his shoulders and tried to go through the front door. However, as he stepped over the threshold, he stepped into a cave.
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121 | I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! | betty | Done | 21 | 11/28/2014 |
The doctor yelled. "We have to operate now! There's no time to climb down! Just jump! As soon as you get your balance, you can play Pac-Man with your feet ! Yes!
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120 | The Great Beyond | xander | Done | 21 | 9/21/2014 |
He then extemporaneously launched into song. he declared, "And it's dedicated to freezing peoples' brains so they can be revived at a later date. Each person has to pick which future century they want and they can also pick out what kind of simulation they wanted to be in during the operation.
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119 | Summer | bonnie | Done | 20 | 9/21/2014 |
That will prevent water loss through evaporation. That will mean fewer times you have to refill the pitcher at your lemonade stand.
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118 | Best Video Game of the Year ! | betty | Done | 22 | 8/15/2014 |
And I am sure they would all bring their own beer. Last time we had an all-night video game marathon, the beer alone cost me all the money I made mowing lawns all summer! During those hot summer days I must have sweated 2 pints of O-positive.
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117 | The best movie EVER!!! | colleen | Done | 21 | 7/18/2014 |
I was beginning to freak out a little because it was quite large, ugly AND smelly! There was no way to get out! I looked and looked for the EXIT sign, but all I saw was a blur.
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116 | What I Saw When I Took A Walk II | greg | Done | 23 | 5/28/2014 |
He was there the ENTIRE TIME! When I realized that, I began to run as fast as I could to get home.
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115 | You know... | bonnie | Done | 23 | 11/10/2013 |
It's napalm. In the morning. I LOVE IT! It smells like victory and then, when you least expect to find roly poly bugs in the flower pots. One must get rid of them by voting for the Republican candidate!
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114 | Whatever is on your mind ! | betty | Done | 24 | 10/27/2013 |
Do not try to eat beans that have not been cooked long enough.. They may cause a tremendous amount of gas and you will feel quite light-headed. The remedy for that is to be totally relaxed, have warm socks on your feet, and be ready to tackle the quarterback! Hut one, hut two, there he goes!
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113 | Nursery Rhyme | greg | Done | 22 | 10/24/2013 |
To test it, we inserted a non-compete clause into the document.
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112 | Global Warming ! | betty | Done | 26 | 8/19/2013 |
They would cover the Earth with moss. Happiness is cozy, soft, and green. How could anyone argue against me? Do they want to get punched? Do they want me bring the thunder? Do they want clean air or warm houses? They cannot have both !!
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110 | Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! | betty | Done | 22 | 4/19/2013 |
I could smell what could only be described as vast quantities of Mexican food nearby. My mouth began to water and I ran for the ramp for the plane, but just as I reached it, they started pulling up the stairs, and then I loudly screamed, "
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109 | Thanksgiving | bonnie | Done | 19 | 12/19/2012 |
But just as I was about pile up my plate with some lovely decorated Rainbow Pony cupcakes were left at my doorstep! I wonder who brought them? Could it have been that I had made them myself and forgotten? At any rate, there was nothing to do now but include them in the meal. I didn't have time now to baste the turkey.
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108 | I Blew Up My Lab! | greg | Done | 21 | 10/26/2012 |
Straight from the can! Deee-licious! Now I am going to mix it all up in my new blender. Ooops! I forgot to put on the lid! All across the walls and floor were diplomas, certificates, degrees, and other accolades from a variety of prestigious institutes of learning and experimentation.
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107 | Christmas Shopping III | betty | Done | 21 | 2/11/2012 |
I have to poop! But the only way to get to town to go shopping was to hitchhike! So I stuck out my thumb and hoped for the best.
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106 | Let's Organize Your Garage ! | betty | Done | 22 | 7/25/2011 |
Then put the egg cartons on top of the crates of rockets that we got from GI Joe's military surplus. For the love of all that's holy, don't bump them!
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105 | Christmas Shopping II | greg | Done | 21 | 2/24/2011 |
Well, not *literally* the last minute... Actually, I searched and searched for a good parking place and finally had to resort to getting a handful of gift cards at Wawa. Unimaginative yes, but quick and simple. But, while I was there, I decided to go ahead and order dessert.
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103 | Zombie Attack! | greg | Done | 22 | 6/10/2010 |
The reason must be that I ate too much brains! I don't have any room left for you." The zombie lumbered off and I knew I had to beef up my defenses in a big way.
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102 | The Art of Decluttering | betty | Done | 21 | 8/4/2009 |
We put them just where they belonged: in your face, boy!! IN YOUR FACE!! HAHAHAHA!!!! Then, we passed our box of clutter in a circle like Musical Chairs, and whoever ended up with the box, then that person had to chase the Fly Lady all over the room with a butterfly net.
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101 | The hathood of the traveling brown hat. | rhonda | Done | 21 | 3/20/2009 |
But this wouldn't help me find the hat. What I needed was a big eagle's feather! That would look so cool on my hat. I got on the internet and ordered one from this company called " The Joke's on You, LLC." They specialize in sneaky stuff like letting the air out of the sweatband of the hat where I found a secret note!
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100 | The Nephews come to Visit | greg | Done | 22 | 12/9/2008 |
I hadn't seem them in a long time. It was really great to see how much taller they had become. Why their two heads reached all the way to the moon and back.
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99 | Laser Eye Surgery | greg | Done | 20 | 10/3/2008 |
The new doctor examined me, and with a big smile on his face, said to me, " Boy are you in luck! Just today we got a whole shipment of dynamic proportions." Later the doctor decided to play some soothing music for his patients. i 2 Eye", by Michael W. Smith. Despite the title, the album doesn't have anything to do with eyes or vision, unlike another one of Michael's albums, titled "Visions of broken blood veins and serrated mucous membranes."
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98 | Abiathar the Superhero! | greg | Done | 21 | 4/27/2007 |
Abiathar needed the pulverizer hammer which would be even stronger if he was carrying a load of dynamite in order to tie up Abiathar! That ploy would never work, because a hero gets tired of going to the hospital over and over!
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97 | My New Video Game! | betty | Done | 21 | 3/13/2007 |
Yes, everyone is America is playing my new video game. I'm gonna be rich! The bronze cuirass, the ebony greaves, and the helmet that was made out of nuclear waste collected from sea to shining sea.
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96 | Fixing up my Garden | greg | Done | 22 | 1/29/2007 |
It did the trick though-- only a few minutes passed before I realized that I had the wrong seeds!
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95 | Rearranging My New Tech Room | betty | Done | 22 | 1/31/2007 |
I was way too busy to mess with them. that every day I need to load Oblivion and do some more killin'. More killin' means more XP and loot, which I'll need in order to keep the cats off the floor I built a neat wooden dining table complete with a covering of Chee-tohs dust.
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94 | Speeding Down the Highway | betty | Done | 21 | 12/4/2006 |
Eventually they drifted to a dead stop, out of gas, low on oil, and right in the middle of a speedtrap!
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93 | Having Surgery | greg | Done | 20 | 12/1/2006 |
He hoped the surgeon was handy with the needle, so when he was finished everything would look like something out of horror movie. Bubbling vials, Jacobs Ladders, and incomprehensible surgical tools everywhere added to the effect.
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92 | Accountant at Work | greg | Done | 21 | 4/1/2006 |
Why would we have office supplies from the Dollar Store, when we already have a contract with a hoity-toity supplier? well! I couldn't believe my eyes...it was a stack of money from the IRS, because I had overpaid my taxes not just last year, but the past four years as well!
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91 | What I Saw When I Took a Walk | betty | Done | 21 | 3/31/2006 |
I could the pressure building in my lower abdomen. If I waited any longer I would poop on myself! So I turned around and I rushed toward the massive oak tree in order to hide behind it.
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90 | Learning a Foreign Language | greg | Done | 22 | 2/4/2006 |
and you accent the positive and reject the negative, and everything will always look better when you roll your R's, you sound right Scottish.
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89 | Putting out Christmas Lights | betty | Done | 21 | 2/3/2006 |
First I put on a jacket, gloves, and on my head, I put a red nose on the reindeer and called him Rudolph. Just like the song goes: "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer... Take one down, and pass it around, ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer!
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88 | Lazor Beam Hydra | greg | Done | 22 | 12/16/2005 |
"You are such an abuzor!" She shrieked, " My baby! My baby!" We came running and saw many tentacles creeping out of the hatch, and they were reaching for a rope to pull themselves out before the Lazor Beam Hydra returned!!!!!!!!
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87 | Concert at Chrysler Hall | betty | Done | 21 | 12/14/2005 |
The mayor was there, several state councilmen were there, we even saw George Allen, John Warner, and Harvey Morgan in the foyer, and they were having a heated discussion about which burned longer: a violin or a viola.
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86 | Touring Europe | bonnie | Done | 21 | 12/13/2005 |
We sped along the unfamiliar tanks from the Russian military came rolling down the highway, the asphault crumbling under their heavy wheels!
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85 | Christmas Shopping | betty | Done | 22 | 12/1/2005 |
Every time I walk by, they scare me. And those oh-so-happy elves, always poking at the customers and asking us, " Where, oh where, are you tonight? Why did you go and leave us alone?
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84 | Working at McDonald's | greg | Done | 21 | 12/1/2005 |
I'm the shizzle for my nizzle. And you know you're not allowed to eat mistakes! Put that in the waste bucket!"
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83 | Trip to the Pumpkin Patch | sherry | Done | 22 | 11/7/2005 |
When we counted them we ended up with 1,416 pumpkins. That was more than enough to make some pumplin pie. We made enough for 50 people! So we invited the whole neighborhood, and when they all showed up we gave them a couple bucks and told them to go fetch us a newspaper.
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82 | test2 | greg | Done | 24 | 9/16/2015 |
= Waa waa waa waa I'm all out of cough syrup!!!!!!!! You can't be sewious! Back to the Battle!!!!! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Back to the basics of the hip-hop scene, just a loop, and some lyrics, and a mic, you know what I mean?
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81 | Going Into Space II | greg | Done | 21 | 10/28/2005 |
But you would know that being the seasoned astronaut that you are. Why you could probably teach us to perform an EVA correctly and not drift away from the craft.
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80 | Taking Computer Class | betty | Done | 20 | 10/27/2005 |
You never learned to touch-type?!! You must have gone to school in West Virginia! Did they have electricity? Indoor plumbing? Well, they sure didn't have any computers, because who knows what germs are lurking on the keyboard left over from the last class?!!
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79 | Cooking Show II | greg | Done | 21 | 9/27/2005 |
he said cautiously. a voice exclaimed. with at least a gallon of premium unleaded. Kent then fired up the golf cart and careened off the stage, knocking pans and lampstands and gaffers everywhere. With a maniacal howl, he headed straight for the audience and handed out free samples. Very carefully, Kent lifted the phone to his ear.
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78 | Potty Training the Twins | betty | Done | 21 | 9/24/2005 |
If I hurried, I could get to Warehouse Store and buy another 1000 diapers before they go to college! So don't worry, everybody poops, more or less, and it all works out in the end. The quickest thing I could do was put them into a big cardboard box.
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77 | Noisy Neighbors | bonnie | Done | 21 | 9/23/2005 |
It's really not necessary for you to practice at home. I think they're even open at this time: your mouth! It needs to be CLOSED at this time!!" With that, she jumped off the roof and landed in the kiddie pool.
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76 | Driving Across Country | betty | Done | 22 | 9/16/2005 |
And I know it was because we ran over a speed bump that was so big, the front end of the car shot into the air! We were leaning back like astronauts! As if on cue, the voice of Jackie Gleason could be heard exclaiming, "You're going too fast!"
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75 | NASCAR Days | greg | Done | 21 | 9/9/2005 |
Nobody but nobody wants to be in a fiery wreck and only be wearing a Kevlar vest and boxer briefs. There is no A/C in a race car, and it gets pretty darn hot in the cabin. The vest, of course, is for protection. That way, in case you roll over you will always land right side up again, which is why you must always make sure your safety harness is correctly fastened.
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74 | Conserving Water | bonnie | Done | 22 | 9/9/2005 |
Then we realized we were in a progessive town because our hotel room had "hot water on demand": to conserve the water that normally runs down the sink while you're waiting for it to get hot, there were small water heaters installed right next to the toilet was a strange-looking water saving device.
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73 | The Best Diet Ever! | sherry | Done | 21 | 8/31/2005 |
Everyone will think you are Shamu the Orca if you wear a tuxedo before your diet is accomplished. So instead, try to re-interpret your hunger as a desire to do another favorite activity besides eat, such as eggplant, okra, mushrooms, and rhubarb: all on Greg's list of guys lookin' in yer window!
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72 | What a Yard Sale! | betty | Done | 20 | 8/23/2005 |
There's a warning label. You give it to somebody, and when they open it, 20 bullfrogs will jump out! Won't they be surprised. But the really big surprise was that my daughter's decorated mud pies were selling like crazy! In fact we must have already sold at least 20 of them and our cash flow was now a total of about $3.25.
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71 | Test Pilot | greg | Done | 21 | 8/17/2005 |
Now the fun begins! The co-pilot thought I was kidding, but far be it from me to let him know what was *really* going on. He'd probably just freak out and start to open up the escape hatch. But that would cause the enemy to unleash the entirety of his airforce!! The noise of the numberless engines would shake the earth.
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70 | A Day in the Life of a Dork | sherry | Done | 21 | 8/14/2005 |
stuff like tie-dyed T-shirts and also lots of beaded necklaces which he wore around his head. "Why are you wearing 3-D glasses everywhere you go?" I asked. "I'm only doing that today," he answered, "tomorrow I'm going to upgrade my PDA to have 256 MB of RAM!
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69 | Time for a Checkup! | bonnie | Done | 21 | 8/3/2005 |
"Surely you don't mean for me to wear the hideous hospital gown in public, do you?!!
Man!
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68 | Building My New Cat Condo | betty | Done | 21 | 7/10/2005 |
Like Confucious say, "Cat never full." That's why you have to have a wide base, or else a strong foundation, if you're going to make it that tall.
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67 | Putting Up Wallpaper | greg | Done | 21 | 6/12/2005 |
I started to wonder if licking the backing was really the correct way to do this. I was going to need a lot more spit to get this job done. As I prepared the next strip, I suddenly has the urge to pee.
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66 | My Newest Home Improvement Project! | betty | Done | 20 | 5/17/2005 |
I just stood there for a second because I was so amazed that a ruptured gas line could shoot flames that high! It must have been 30 feet into the air. We were all standing around when the septic tank pumper truck pulled up. "I understand you need a staple gun to finish that project.
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65 | Phone Call | bonnie | Done | 21 | 5/9/2005 |
What's your point?" "Okay, okay. I thought I'd better tell you what type of weapons you'll be using. As a Space Marine, you'll have a 40mm shoulder-mounted plasma thrower, 30cm vibroblade, and of course a standard simple telephone table is all that you need.
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64 | Airline Pilot | greg | Done | 21 | 4/23/2005 |
It might just be a squadron of Zentraedi fighters, looking for easy human prey! They're in for a big surprise because our landing wheels won't come down. I think we are going to have a very bumpy landing! Be sure to tell all the passengers to please consider us the next time they're making travel plans.
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63 | I'm Not In It For The... | bonnie | Done | 21 | 4/6/2005 |
You can find some strange things, like one time I found a fly in my soup so I killed the whole town. Another time I totally uppercut some guy because he opened a window."
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62 | Hosting a Cooking Show | betty | Done | 21 | 4/12/2005 |
(Crowd goes "Ooooh!) Also, I prefer to use a plastic spatula, as opposed to eating what you fix right in front of the audience.
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61 | Ain't It Cool? | greg | Done | 22 | 4/7/2005 |
Why would anyone want to eat eel? It is just gross to think about: Imagine those slimy, writhing creatures on a plate of lead-free pewter. We're going for a minimalist look here: clean lines, neutral colors.
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60 | Competing with Starbuck's | bonnie | Done | 21 | 4/2/2005 |
One shoe came off and smacked a customer in the face! He stood up and gathered his belongings, which was difficult to do while holding the coffee cup. Somebody else came along and mopped up the spilled latte, and then put up a sign that said, "
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59 | My First Ocean Cruise | betty | Done | 21 | 3/28/2005 |
Wow, would that hit the spot!" He grinned with satisfaction at the thought of running up to that hoity-toity aristocrat woman and bumping her right into the pool. Ha ha! He could just imagine all those dolphins and whales jumping out of the water, so full joy, so full of lobsters it was ridiculous!
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58 | Captain Underpants | greg | Done | 21 | 3/23/2005 |
His nemesis, Professor Poopypants, won a blue ribbon at the county fair for producing the longest poop--a record hard to beat. But he was going to try anyway, and to practice he was going to crash!
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57 | New Year's Resolutions! | bonnie | Done | 21 | 3/18/2005 |
Incredulous, he asked, "But how would you get rid of all that flab in just 2 weeks? It cannot be possible! Why, you would have to walk at least 100 FEET if you park this far away! What are you thinking? Look at all those spots closer to the door!" He was irritated.
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56 | Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon | betty | Done | 21 | 3/13/2005 |
Bam! The rockets landed with a great sound like a car crash! But it was the dishes, falling on the kitchen floor because the kids were up on the counter trying to get their own breakfast! Bam! Bam! The rockets landed with a great sound like a car crash! But it was the dishes, falling on the kitchen floor because the kids were up on the counter trying to get their own breakfast!
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55 | Spy Base Alpha | greg | Done | 21 | 3/8/2005 |
That's a wrap. Thanks guys, we'll see you tomorrow." Clip after clip was burned through until we heard those momentous words: "Cut!
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54 | Texas Winter | bonnie | Done | 20 | 3/3/2005 |
How embarrassing! Now all I could do was sit on the cold hard concrete floor and wait for someone to bail me out of jail. I hadn't applied my sunscreen evenly! How embarrassing! Now all I could do was sit on the cold hard concrete floor and wait for someone to bail me out of jail.
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53 | Christmas Shopping - 2004 | betty | Done | 20 | 2/26/2005 |
You know everyone just loves those boxes of styrofoam peanuts. Find someone who has a fan blowing in their room, dump the box, and watch the fun! Hundreds of kids having a present wrapping contest. Paper, ribbons, tape were flying everywhere. It was pandemonium. We knew we had to max out our credit cards immediately.
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52 | Modeling Agency | greg | Done | 21 | 2/21/2005 |
Perfect! She's a door. The next girl can pose on this poof chair. It is shaped like a high-heeled shoe. How mod! I wonder who thought up that idea.
It must have been Mr.
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51 | All I Need Is... | bonnie | Done | 21 | 2/16/2005 |
Obviously I was going to have to figure this out for myself. i before e except after c... in which case jelly doughnuts will be your best bet. Of course everyone knows in addition to trays of sugary pastries, you should add bountiful numbers of rose petals to your bath!
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50 | My Summer at the Archeological Dig | betty | Done | 21 | 2/11/2005 |
He doesn't deserve half the credit he's getting on this dig, and I intend to catalog every single piece of bone that I can find unlike the other slacker diggers who every day haphazardly would just come along, completely disregarding any scholarly integrity, and REFILL the holes with dirt from various random locations , because we couldn't seem to find a single location that met all our criteria for what we had in mind for the recruitment ad.
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49 | Shopping at Lowe's | greg | Done | 20 | 2/6/2005 |
And then I wallpapered the bathroom with all my receipts from Lowe's... I had enough to make two layers. The driver groaned, "That's gotta hurt!" And then I wallpapered the bathroom with all my receipts from Lowe's...
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48 | Anorexia Therapy | bonnie | Done | 21 | 2/1/2005 |
Stay focused on eating everything in sight. You may end up being bulimic, but at least that won't kill you.
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47 | Building My New House! | betty | Done | 23 | 1/27/2005 |
Either we're forming a habitat for something other than humans, or someone's gonna have to mow!" We'd been so busy tearing down the neighbors' hedges so we have room to expand. The swimming pool will go there, the miniature golf course there, and the toolshed had to be demolished to make room for the new inground swimming pool which would be reinforced with steel, 3 inches thick.
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46 | Ultimate Ninja II | greg | Done | 21 | 1/22/2005 |
YOU CANNOT COMPARE WITH MY POWERS!!" As powerful as he was, he couldn't resist by Cloud of Ten Lightning Fists.
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45 | Election Day! | betty | Done | 21 | 1/17/2005 |
At the conclusion of it all, we were exhausted and hungry. So we went to the front of the line to show our voter cards. banner. It was sad, in a way, since everyone knew that chewing gum really does stick to the bottoms of desks and stays there forever.
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44 | A Day in the Life of... | bonnie | Done | 20 | 1/12/2005 |
A messenger was sent to the prison chaplain's office to plead his case. If he didn't get out soon, he'd die. He soon heard that Spot next door was wearing a flea collar.
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43 | High School Carwash | greg | Done | 20 | 1/7/2005 |
Boy, did it stink! It smelled like the driver must be a smoker. Frowning, we decided we could first try vacuuming up all the fragments of dried vomit. If they aren't stuck to the upholstery. If they are, we can try to use a high powered spray washer with a jet nozzle...or to blow his big hair dryer over the towel-dried car, for a final touch-up.
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42 | Pushed Over the Edge | bonnie | Done | 21 | 1/2/2005 |
The dizziness. Sleep-deprived and caffeinated, her psyche was a dangerous mixture of sluggish reasoning and irritation. She was a powder keg, and her ear was the fuse.
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41 | Cleaning Out the Garage | betty | Done | 21 | 12/28/2004 |
So I grabbed the can of gasoline, pulled out a book of matches, and debated whether to vote for George Bush or John Kerry. she said, "You can take that and stick it where's there no tomorrow!
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40 | HULK SMASH! | greg | Done | 20 | 12/23/2004 |
The smell was horrific. Everyone made a dive for the only door. Unfortunately in their path was a deep hole from where the truck had landed.
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39 | Joining the PTA | bonnie | Done | 20 | 12/18/2004 |
I asked. "Who, her? She's the Director of Faith-Based Initiatives at D.C.!" she said sweetly. "This PTA is disbanded. All your children will be going to Christian charter schools from now on!"
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38 | Going to the County Fair | betty | Done | 20 | 12/13/2004 |
He turned around, and suddenly, "NINJA!" and the party continued into the wee hours of the morning. Look behind you!" He turned around, and suddenly, "NINJA!" and the party continued into the wee hours of the morning.
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37 | News at 11 | greg | Done | 20 | 12/8/2004 |
Without meeting the deadlines on the paperwork, dozens of suspects would go free! Frantically, the police captain called a temp agency. They worked around the clock sweeping all the flood waters out of the newsroom. Needless, to say, all the sound equipment was choked with papers that had been discarded right out the window.
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36 | Investigating Vegetarianism | bonnie | Done | 21 | 12/3/2004 |
Get ready to mash those soybeans and mold the tofu into shapes resembling flowers. Admittedly, that artistic effort, combined with the variety of color in the salad made it extraordinarily beautiful. However, I sighed, knowing that again, soon after eating, I'd be hungry.
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35 | Boppy's Trip to Texas | betty | Done | 21 | 11/28/2004 |
plate of tamales, burritos, and enchiladas! The only thing this dish is missing is my face. Allow me to remedy this gross inconsistency at once. With that, I began devouring the comestibles with great vigor.
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34 | Dance Class | bonnie | Done | 21 | 11/23/2004 |
So we played a boom box until the windows started to tremble. We lowered the volume just in time before the other dancer jumps over you.
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33 | The Minotaur King | greg | Done | 21 | 11/18/2004 |
I grumbled as I tried my best not to throw up. It wasn't easy I can tell you.
I pursed my lips and grimaced and I then proceeded to back up. I just knew if I could get a running start I could make that jump. Mentally focused, and calling on all my leg muscles, I sprang up to the edge of the pit and was able to pull myself out before the avalanche of rocks smashed into where'd I'd been moments before.
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32 | The Bizarre Bazaar | bonnie | Done | 20 | 11/13/2004 |
"I'm not paying that much!" I told him! he waved me away as he threw his creaky voice back over his shoulder. "The next one will." With that, he picked up a huge axe and smashed it into the table!
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31 | My Trip Around the World | betty | Done | 21 | 11/8/2004 |
I'm exhausted!" Trying to keep up with Lance Armstrong is just impossible! I am going to wheel in here to this little cafe and order a tall glass of foamy beer, running out of the keg, down the bar, and onto the floor, puddling around the table legs in yeasty-smelling bubbles.
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30 | Downtown Precinct | greg | Done | 22 | 11/3/2004 |
When he finally found the cash register, he looked at it and exclaimed, "
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29 | Growing Up on a Farm | betty | Done | 21 | 10/29/2004 |
He does that whenever the pigs and hogs won't share their slop. What a mess they make! Well, here's another bucket of swill for them...Splash! And I think I will also add some corn to the pig's food. They seem to like that. But they don't seem to care much for city folk. They were always coming around here, blabbing about how much nice it is up north, where they have eaten the grass right down to the bare ground.
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28 | The Dinosaur World | bonnie | Done | 21 | 10/24/2004 |
We sat down and caught our breath. "We need to find some water,"
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27 | Gardening with Betty | greg | Done | 20 | 10/19/2004 |
(Blam! Blam! Blam!) Oops, that was Roger and June's night light! Oh well, moving right along, discarding a few weeds here, a few dead leaves there, soon your garden will look like crap.
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26 | On the Open Road | bonnie | Done | 21 | 10/14/2004 |
My name is Xander, and this story is my idea. I thought of the title because it reminds me of a song. This story will be about a motorcycle trip.
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25 | The International Village | bonnie | Done | 21 | 10/9/2004 |
She called. "I've been looking all over for you!" She was distressed to see its hoof stuck between two rocks, but at the same time knew its mooing/braying for help was the only was she was able to find it so fast.
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24 | Weekend in Paris | greg | Done | 21 | 10/4/2004 |
"How dare you expose yourself like that in front of her!" I screamed. "Why, I oughta punch your red diaper doper baby lights out! You flamin' liberal French sissy. Go back into your cave and drink your cafe au lait.
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23 | Xander Goes Shopping | betty | Done | 22 | 9/29/2004 |
We had to agree it was a good idea. But what to do next? And where to go next? I think we should go over to the hardware department and we can look for some Transformers!
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22 | Fart Dictionary | bonnie | Done | 21 | 9/24/2004 |
The fact is I cannot believe Bonnie started this story! But be that as it may, I will help continue it: And the second fact is that when I was growing up we did not call them farts.
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21 | Boot Camp | greg | Done | 21 | 9/19/2004 |
We want you to stand tall and proud. Remember you are representing the United States of America, the most powerful country in the world! then do 500 more...
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20 | Good Old Pop's Drive-in | betty | Done | 21 | 9/14/2004 |
He was an overweight, hairy man, and as of yet, I hadn't heard him say a word. Around him, we always felt painfully nervous and always anticipating the worst.
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19 | Going Back to College | betty | Done | 21 | 9/9/2004 |
FIRE! Get out of the building! There's no time to lose! You must hurry because there's a bomb threat! Terrorists are threatening to destroy the entire campus!!" I couldn't believe it. All I could do was look around in amazement. "All these books must be at least a hundred years old!"
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18 | If You Give a Mouse a Cookie | bonnie | Done | 21 | 9/4/2004 |
And to go with that some milk!" And if you give him some milk, he will lap it up very delicately all the while holding his little pinky high in the air. Yeah, and we need some meats! And to go with that some milk!" And if you give him some milk, he will lap it up very delicately all the while holding his little pinky high in the air.
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17 | Our Summer Vacation | betty | Done | 21 | 8/30/2004 |
Hurry we need to try to refreeze it! And to do that we need some sunscreen lotion, beach towels, and volleyballs, and of course food. Don't forget the food." So we hightailed it to the rest area so we could throw up. What a relief! Imagine getting so sick on that food! What was in it? It must have been cooked with bacon grease.
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16 | Trapped in a Mine | greg | Done | 21 | 8/25/2004 |
We had to use a submarine to get to it. None of us had ever driven one before, but the tunnel was easy to drive through because there were all kinds of lights and even air conditioning. It was an amazing engineering feat to build such a tunnel under such a large amount of debt that no one could afford to rent the equipment to dig them out.
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14 | Our Visit to the Library | bonnie | Done | 21 | 8/15/2004 |
But that didn't stop us from making fun of it. I held it up and yelled, " BE QUIET! BE QUIET! BE QUIET!" And then he yelled it again with even more emphasis,"
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13 | Stress Reduction Techniques | bonnie | Done | 23 | 8/10/2004 |
She looked at me and said, "You look so sad. Why are you so blue? I think you need to sit in this massage chair and just relax. Here, I will turn on some soft music.
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12 | My New Job at Burger King | betty | Done | 20 | 8/5/2004 |
Here, take this old spatula and whack the back of the head of any customers who don't agree to 'super-size' their combos." The manager handed it to me and walked off.
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11 | Cooking with Grandma | betty | Done | 22 | 7/31/2004 |
After only a few minutes they began to hatch. "I don't know what to do with all these eggshells. Maybe I should crush them into little bits and bake them in the oven and feed them back to the chickens.
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10 | Ultimate Ninja | greg | Done | 22 | 7/26/2004 |
You killed my brother! Now... I'll kill YOU!" And with that, they clapped the dust off their hands, clapped each other on the shoulders in appreciation and camaraderie, and clapped a leather helmet on everybody's head.
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8 | Wall Street Blues | greg | Done | 22 | 7/16/2004 |
Will somebody please tell me what kind of world we're living in when a man cannot turn a dollar into a million, or turn a Euro into a big fat wallet. Those were the only kind of wallets Greg carried around nowadays--genuine leather and filled to overflowing with Jacksons, Grants, and Franklins.
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7 | Going into Space | betty | Done | 21 | 7/11/2004 |
Moments later, all hell broke loose when they drifted into ans asteroid belt.
Being slammed from all sides, they quickly tried to vent the waste container into space, before it exploded and spewed human refuse all over the cabin. Sam pulled a lever, and a deadly missile fell out!
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5 | Ye Olde Medieval Days | betty | Done | 21 | 7/1/2004 |
Greg the lowly serf, plodded toward the field of wheat, dreading another day of bending, kneeling, scorching heat, and gathering buckets of vomit, which had accumulated quickly because of the plague.
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4 | Barrister the Lawyer Cat | betty | Done | 21 | 6/26/2004 |
"I'm so stressed out I can't think. I need a break." So she put down her pencil and went to hell in a handbasket. That's what the country's coming to. A parking lot here, a parking lot there, and pretty soon you've got some real evidence there! Let me get a closer look.
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3 | The Big Conundrum | betty | Done | 21 | 6/21/2004 |
Class is now in session, I'm gonna try 'n' reach ya. After the rap was over, Greg stood up and shouted, "There will be no discussion!"
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2 | Woo baby! | greg | Done | 21 | 6/16/2004 |
Maybe if he bought more turkey pepperoni everyone would be happier. After all who wants on their pizza those dripping greasy carrot sticks.
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1 | Big Computer | greg | Done | 18 | 6/11/2004 |
Knowing this, Al Gore decided to end his obsession with bungee cord jumping. and as luck would have it, that was the one in which his cord broke. So, it was most certainly his last bungee cord jump. In fact, the time was coming when all the Democrats would finally admit defeat and just fade away.
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