Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022     Where did we land? We landed right in a big pile of dry leaves! The pleasant earthy smell of po-tay-toes! 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021      It is so cozy and wraps you in fuzzy warmth and makes you feel as if you might not have washed these pants as well as you should have. Something stinks, and it's not the flowers. Time for a change of clothes: work boots, old jeans, and that t-shirt with a hole in it will be the perfect outfit for attending the funeral. 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021     hmmm may be those masks really are good for something! However, I hate people telling me what to do, ...like I have to use fully-jacketed rounds at the indoor shooting range, because they're concerned about LeAd PoIsOnInG... 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020     My butt was sore from sitting around in the terminal for hours and hours. uh oh, what's that noise? 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020     I guess I could find out on my phone, but turkey grease had dripped all over it. I need to find out what the score is. I guess I could find out on my phone, but turkey grease had dripped all over it. 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019      Everyone held their breath in terror. Suddenly, the entire stage collapsed, exploded, and burst into flames, killing everyone instantly! Appearing in the midst of the carnage was Metallica, inside the mouth of a giant robot dinosaur. They immediately began playing their trademark heavy metal rock music. 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019      The life-sized poster of an anteater, and so on, until the last entry, $431.18 for a total new sewer system, new pipes, and 2 new commodes. Now we are rocking, baby! I was so delighted that I pulled out my Mars bar which I save for special occasions. It had been in my pocket for a few days at this point, so was pretty smashed and fairly dirty. 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     who knew when it would be time to refill my soda cup? I knew. It was right now! I'm so thirsty I feel like I could drink ALL the soda. I jumped to my feet and cried out because I hit my head on an overhanging tree branch! As I held my hand to the hurty spot, all I could manage to say was I am ready for a real hamburger with all the fixings. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019      What a vacation they both were having and all thanks to me and my organizational skills! Well, I'm glad that's done. 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019      Steve's date, Maria, had to yell to be heard over the noise, saying " 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019     And everyone vowed, "I won't stop until I get my revenge on you!" It was then I finally realized as I reflected on everything that had happened, that this had truly been the best Christmas ever! 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018     Oh yeah, also while we are here, I would like to have a picnic! Yeah! I can bring roast beef sandwiches, and you can bring a few bottles of beer! You can bring a few bottles! Take one out, pass it around, 98 bottles of fire propellant, obviously. 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018     Night was falling, so in the morning they would check the weather report and then decide how to split up the gold. It was probably fair to divide it evenly amongst the group, but Greg is definitely the strongest and would probably contribute more to global warming or maybe even global cooling. 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018     I couldn't discard them, because what if the Illuminati found them and extracted my DNA from the snot? I would end up calling the Alex Jones show from a hidden location, probably located a big pile of possum poop in a hidden corner. Yuck! Well at least it was all dried up and easy to sweep it into a dustpan and carefully dump it into the ditch by the road. 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018      There's something to be said for being out in the sunshine and fresh air, so maybe I should think about wearing rubber gloves when I am washing the dishes at Jim's. After all I don't want hands that look like a pair of sunglasses! How fun! And you definitely need some actual sunglasses if you're going to have an outside job in the summer, as well as a hat, sunscreen, and obviously you also need to have the emergency number nearby in case of a drunk late night customer. 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018     I couldn't imagine walking one more mile without at least a gallon of the stuff on hand, so I started scrounging around for old rags to wipe up the spilled lemonade and the big pool of melted popsicles. 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018      Yes, ...it had to be done..argh. Coming home from Texas I opened up the cabinet door under the sink, and saw a cat. "Perfect!" I thought. "They're designed to be mousetraps, and are cute and fuzzy too." 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017     We might even see a protest by a bunch of liberal snowflakes demanding safe spaces to protect themselves from being offended. 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017      Because who wants a elbow smothered in 100% maple syrup that was imported from Vermont. "Vermont?!" Betty exclaimed. "That's yankee territory! I don't want no yankee syrup. I may as well have this with a side of socialism and a hot mug of Bernie Sanders Uber Alles. 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      What's going on?" And so I wake in the morning and I step outside just to get a breath of fresh, crisp, cold air, but what do I get?!! 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017     I am sure Donald Trump himself would order at least five! Then arrange them attractively around the orange pools of grease that the pepperoni left behind. Or, you could try sopping up the grease with handfuls of brand new copper pennies! 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016     Not only were the kids running around like crazy, the adults were really getting hungry and with the hunger came grumpiness. 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016      Maybe some hopeful whiners and a few frowning judges. It's always a boost to the self-confidence when the person in charge starts ranting and raving, maybe someone needs to pour on his head a bucket of vomit! 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016     came over and saw the title, He exclaimed, " There's literally a party going on in the hall outside my door!" He hadn't even realized it, though, because he had not taken a shower in so long! Oh well, at least the green bar of soap was not down to a sliver yet, and the roommate had brought his own pile of funky smelling shoes. 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016     Smashing chairs, flipping over tables, drinking liquor after drinking beer, queuing up Taylor Swift songs on the jukebox, it was complete bedlam. That is, until the water hose sprang a leak! In fact,it was full of pin holes, or should I say teeth marks! 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016      "It's not real!" I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016     Hahaha! Actually, I meant the the white clothes should be separated from the red, but I forgot and washed them together! 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016     Glo-Quips sent a photographer and when he came by, he shoveled the sidewalk in front of their french doors, even though everybody knows they never salt the roads anymore because the salt rusts out the undercarriage of the metal railing. 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     You look like you are carrying a Beretta PX4 Storm Compact 9mm! With its comfortable grip and good balance and accuracy, this pistol would be a good choice for wearing on the plane. 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016     It must have weighed two pounds. It almost covered the plate! Next to it was a plastic pot containing a pitiful plant, nearly dead from lack of internet service. When will it come back on?? I am so bored!! I might as well take a nap. It's cold & cloudy today, so I am going to find my fur gloves and my fur hat, and put them on my dresser next to my collection of Birkenstocks and in fact, they were taking up so much floor space, that I had to rearrange a few things so that it would boil and roil and steam was rising rapidly. 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016      Confronted with a mob of irritated neighbors, I ran back into the house and packed! 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015      Man, I will hate to go to court and stand before the magistrate and hope you don't get thrown in jail until you paid every penny because you were cruel to your debtors and the king found about it. Sweating, I said "Give me that package!" 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015     We positioned it right at the end of a row of green beans. !!! That way it will be super-easy to make tons of money selling homemade compost !! 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015     He agilely bent over and handed a bouquet of flowers to a little girl. Surprised, she tried to scrape off the slimey skin but underneath she was shocked to find a handful of rare and fragrant Allegra roses! 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015     This is what's known as fall protection gear. Once I was satisfactorily secured, I was ready to gather the black walnuts, so I looked in the garage for a big surprise! We need lots of colorful leaves, and lots of dog poop which was scattered here and there in our ditch. 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015      Worth every penny! Not only was it useful for safely snagging escaped animals, you could also use it for compost. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     As I cautiously walked closer, a flock of birds which came closer and closer, flew over the tomatoes, came back, flew down and plucked every single tomato off the vines and then flew away !! I couldn't believe my eyes! 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     They were rude, slovenly, and told rambling, barely-coherent stories about parasites. You should be careful about what you watch on TV before you go to bed. It might give you bad breath and terrible indigestion. I got out my Altoids and Tums, took two of each and then proceeded to prop up our feet and top everything off with a smooth and tasty pina colada. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015     Why then would you not want that? Obviously, life would be easier with a million bucks. 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015      Then suddenly he came toward us and said, "I want my two dollars!" Panicking, I slept. Zzzzzzz Garfield was asleep again. Odie was just staring at him and then he decided to wash & polish his motorcycle and get it all ready to take to Texas ! 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015      No wonder you feel weak and you don't want to see me when I'm angry. A better course of action would be to slap him in the face! Then yell, "Don't you dare ever do anything for you ever again! I'm taking my stuff and packing it into Avon boxes and then, I am going to mail all of it to the businesses who sent me the junk mail in the first place. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     They had all gathered to dump and spread the compost all over the ground. Obviously that will help improve the borders of the property by planting every 18 inches a small new sprout. So many new beginnings! 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015     I put it all into one big gigantic bowl. I had to have plenty of room to make the icing made with butter and powdered sugar. Into that, sprinkle some delicately iced with pastel swirls of curled ribbon. 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     So, I sat down to eat some calories before attempting the climb. Other important preparations include wearing thick socks, sturdy shoes,and drinking bottles and bottles of water. My dearest hope is that everyone will be responsible and keep their hands at the 9 o'clock and 3 o'clock positions on the steering wheel as they are driving their golf balls across the pitted rock dome, the sun started to set, and severe angst caused them to sit and have some pie and cookies. 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015      Scary! Good thing I was not looking directly at it, and a good thing I was wearing my asbestos underwear! It was so hot! It made me want to go to San Antonio, Texas to visit Bonnie, Chad, Xander, Ethan, and their dog named all the cats in the neighborhood: "Stinky", "Spazzy", "Sissy McWeepington", "Sir Pukesalot", etc. 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015     It's also hard to get anything posted on Facebook! Those crazy kids need more medications for their birthdays! Each person gets to pick a teacher to go home with.....we pick Miss Bonnie! IT'S GOOD FOR YOU. It's also hard to get anything posted on Facebook! 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     Carpe Noctem !" So we worked through the night putting the final touches on the family portrait. If only everyone would stand still! If only I had remembered all the eggnog was gone! Why is the eggnog always gone? Why is the New Year's number always depicted as novelty eyeglasses? 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     So what do you want? Do you want to take a trip to some exotic tropical island. Hmmm I think this destination would be a good choice: the unemployment line! My job sucks! 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014     "Patina is the next clue," I pondered out loud, "9 letters, starts with a V." I looked around for help, and there, just out of reach, was just what I needed: more Scotch tape! I looked in the different drawers to find some and in my search I found ten bottles of beer on the wall, ten bottles of beer! 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014      Where is that awful stink coming from?? My nose led me to the conclusion that we should call a plumber. 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014      Now what?!! I called 911 and guess who answered! = Some guy in an elf costume! "HaHa! That's great!" I said, " Now I know my electric bill will go up!" I was kidding of course, but I knew now the county would surely waive the rule about no inflatables taller than 40 feet! 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     I could tell they weren't from here, they looked like they were from another planet!! I stepped cautiously toward them, and suddenly they ran up the incline as fast as they could! Bursting through the opening, they couldn't believe their eyes: the new wireless mouse was growing fur and teeth !!!! 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014     I pity the fool! Quit your jibba-jabba! I ain't flying in no plane, you crazy alien from Mars! How did you get here? I bet you traveled on a expired visa! Bad boy! Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? I'm talking about the ICE, of course, and they don't have space suits safe enough to last over 6 months on Mars. 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     WRONG! You can also use Skin-So-Soft Bath Oil. And after 30 minutes, you can add another layer of impermeable film. That will prevent water loss through evaporation. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014      What the hell?!?!?! What a bad game ending!!! But what an awesome game. And with that, the screen went blank!! What the hell?!?!?! What a bad game ending!!! But what an awesome game. Then she thought to herself: "I sure do hope there aren't eggs in that cave over there." 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     "Bwahahaha!" I cackled gleefully. "They'll never ever find their way outta here with all the lights out! 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     I said "Gimme that money!" But he said, You are under arrest! Face down on the ground! Put your hands behind your back stalked a ninja! He was there the ENTIRE TIME! When I realized that, I began to run as fast as I could to get home. sign. I had come too far and seen too much to stop now! 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013     It smells like victory and then, when you least expect to find roly poly bugs in the flower pots. One must get rid of them by voting for the Republican candidate! Do you want more freedom? Want a return to the moral, family values that made this country great? 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call the plumber! This is a job for a professional! Do not try to eat beans that have not been cooked long enough.. 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     HAHAHA!! There may be more to eat than even all the king's men can handle. We'll have to get the horses in on it too. 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     Any second now I expected a giant squid to lunge forward and puke his guts out onto the floor. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     Go for gold! With a GQ (genetic quotient) this high, Jerome Morrow was never meant to be one step down on the podium. That's why he put all his underwear into zip-lock bags. 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     The soft summer breeze has become crispy. I know when I hear that sound, it means someone's at the door. 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     Now how did those get in here? Well, they were in the way so I moved them next to my collection of Bunsen burners, candles, and fireworks. 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012      So I stuck out my thumb and hoped for the best. Believe it or not down the road came a knick-knack, paddywack, give a dog a wrapped-up box of chew bones and when he tears the wrapper off he will bite into a raw onion! Now he has great breath! (Muhahahaha) He also has another present hidden in the glove box of his car. 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     ice cream.... We want to get all this cleaned up and haul all the junk to the Gloucester Short Lane ice cream parlor, where we ate so much we could barely fit in our newly-reorganized garage. 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011     I'd never seen anything like it. It was so big that there was no way I could fit it into my shopping bag, so to carry it in I found an empty wastebasket. 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010      It was a quiet, bright morning in Uptown Suburbia, USA. I went outside to water my plants, when suddenly I heard the deep guttural voice of a zombie! 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     Unfortunately she could not bear to get rid of anything after all the decluttering, so she proceeded systematically to attack the zombies! 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009      Why you might not even have time to check under the car, behind the seats, and in the glovebox. Because you never know when it's finally time to give up and check the map to see where you are really going. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008      Why their two heads reached all the way to the moon and back. Our first order of business was to hide in the bushes and squirt everybody who walked by with a big dose of NyQuil. 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008     Better than perfect, in fact!" The doctor beamed and said "Your vision is 20 over 200 and you are definitely a candidate for surgery. First into each eye we will put some Vicodin in your hand. A couple of these and you won't feel a thing! 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007      Abiathar needs Artorios's help. So Abiathar asked him to pass the potatoes. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we do some serious bashing! After dinner, he got to his feet and threw a zombie up in the air with his Jawbreaker, while at the same time he grabbed a troll by the ankle, spun him around and launched him into orbit with one flick of his manly wrist. 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007      Then the next day I am ready to open fire with my thermonuclear missile pack. I activated the targeting mechanism, punched in the coordinates, and pushed the escape button over and over to no avail. 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007      Maybe it stinks because I was supposed to pick up a truckload of hardwood bark mulch from the nursery. 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007      Then we could get the new halter and leash and put them on the backburner for now. I was way too busy to mess with them. that every day I need to load Oblivion and do some more killin'. 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006     It moves through air like a hot knife through butter. Like a tax hike in a Democrat controlled Congress." I didn't want to argue, so I pretended to be listening to Bill O'Reilly on the radio. 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006     I want every intern to pay attention here. Watch me make this incision, and I don't want anybody to cry when I'm gone. I've lived a long, full life and don't have any regrets. What I want is for all this bleeding to stop!" He paused, and then continued: " 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     well! I couldn't believe my eyes...it was a stack of money from the IRS, because I had overpaid my taxes not just last year, but the past four years as well! Flush with cash, I immediately headed for Long John Silver's! It had been way too long since I had enjoyed their crusty planks of fried chicken from Long John Silver. 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006      I gathered up a few and put them in my pocket so I could give them to the police officer when he hauled me in for questioning before being charged with trespassing. 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006      So we got cream pies in the face from those angry Frenchmen. Then we retaliated with a barrage of German invective. we snarled informally. Shocked, he picked his beret out of the muddy gutter, shook it off and put it on his resume. This will surely impress them! They'll be so impressed they will spew! 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006      What we really hoped for was the grand prize offered by the local newspaper for "Best Illumination". 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005     We came running and saw many tentacles creeping out of the hatch, and they were reaching for a rope to pull themselves out before the Lazor Beam Hydra returned!!!!!!!! 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005      We'll be eating peanut butter and rice for a month! But it was worth it, because life isn't measured in how many breaths you take, but in how many moments like these, I lift up a song, I lift up a love song, to Jesus! 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005      She wasn't paying attention and drifted into the oncoming lane! We were going to collide head-on! Quickly I reached over and jerked the ripcord, and my parachute cmae hurtling out just in time! I landed hard on the bridge, got up and sat right back down because a big wad of bubble gum was stuck to the helmet of the commie soldier. 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005     Right away we started looking for a ribbon to put on the ribbon and I was good to go! The only thing that was still bugging me was what to get for the person on my list that was the hardest to buy for: my loud and noxious neighbor. 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005      He slapped a $500 dollar bill on the counter. "Those are out of circulation!" Bill exclaimed. the customer replied smugly. "It's legal tender. See? It says right here: "This product may contain peanuts and for those persons with allergies, it may cause severe difficulty in operating a vehicle or other heavy equipment!" 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005     When we counted them we ended up with 1,416 pumpkins. That was more than enough to make some pumplin pie. We made enough for 50 people! 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015      It's swxswx! Is this a real story??!! What are you thinking?! = Waa waa waa waa I'm all out of cough syrup!!!!!!!! You can't be sewious! Back to the Battle!!!!! 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005     What! No light speed??? Would it help if I released the emergency brake? She smiled sweetly and pushed the button that sent them all hurtling into a black hole. We landed on the dark side of the moon and off in the distance we could hear weird music, so we decided to go to light speed! 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005     After a while, you will not feel so dizzy. Believe me, your brain will start to eat up all your system resources, until you have made at least a dozen new entries. You cannot leave the classroom until you have erased all your data, then you get to start all over!! 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     (laugh track) "To start with, crack these eggs, whip them up, and blend them into your stock pot. Next, chop the garlic into tiny bits at least small enough to fit into a cupcake holder! You should decorate it with a little truffle trifle." "Eww!" I exclaimed. 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005      One day at a time, we worked at moving the vast quantities of toddler turds out of the house. We used snow shovels most of the time, but sometimes we used cloth diapers when we ran out of all the clean air in the house was being gradually contaminated by the encroaching fog of green stench. 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005     My workout was over, and now I could hear them again playing their awful rap music. Boy, do I hate it! Every time I hear it, I am ready to go up there and ask them if they could please take off their concrete shoes when they're walking around upstairs! 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005     But I still had the feeling I wasn't in Kansas anymore...Maybe it was the mountains that painted the horizon or simply the fact that there wasn't a corn field in sight. I opened the window to breathe some fresh air, but all I could smell was bacon and coffee. 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005     red, white, and blue streaks were all we could see of the cars! They were going so fast, the asphalt was melting. The pavement started to get sticky, and that made the tires start to melt. 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005     In fact it cost a dollar. The cigarette lighter cost a dollar. The foil pinwheel toy cost a dollar. In fact, *everything* we bought cost a dollar! Then we realized we were in a progessive town because our hotel room had "hot water on demand": to conserve the water that normally runs down the sink while you're waiting for it to get hot, there were small water heaters installed right next to the toilet was a strange-looking water saving device. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005      Everything else had failed...THIS was the one! and 250 lbs, could best be described as high fat, high sodium, and high sugar. Could this be a misprint?!! Just to be sure I put my glasses on and then I could see my feet! "Hello, toes! 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005      But who's counting, really? Sitting in the hot sun, sipping sweet tea and making fun of the junker cars that drove up was worth at least $100. It was going to be hard to get rid of everything before the sun went down. 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005      Now the fun begins! The co-pilot thought I was kidding, but far be it from me to let him know what was *really* going on. He'd probably just freak out and start to open up the escape hatch. But that would cause the enemy to unleash the entirety of his airforce!! 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005     Well you're a stupid head! And what's more, your nose is too much to resist. 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005      I would look like a model off the cover of one of those muscle man magazines!! If I did, then I could REALLY feel my heart pounding! I knew I had to get out of there, and the only way to do it was to amputate from above the knee. 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     And it would freak out the cats and cause them to fall. But I wouldn't worry too much because cats always are hungry. Like Confucious say, "Cat never full." That's why you have to have a wide base, or else a strong foundation, if you're going to make it that tall. So to save floor space, you could try cement ing your mouth shut and let me do the thinking, OK? 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005     It pays to set aside enough time to complete the job; otherwise, you are left with wallpaper paraphernalia strewn across the house for the next four months. So, to those of you who choose to take on the challenge of putting up wallpaper - my advice to you is avoid putting a lot of holes in the wall, because that will only cause discoloration later. 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005      All their cute little night lights will always be upside down--cackle cackle. THAT will teach them to use acetone to clean the hardwood floors. Now take this toothbrush and clean the encrusted roach poop from around the doorways. 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005      *Ring, ring* "Hello?" "Hello! I've been meaning to call you for days! How are you?" "Fine, How are you?" "I'm fine! I wanted to ask if you knew there is a moose in your front yard! He seems to be trying to find candidates for his galactic space marine training academy. 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005     Yeee-haw! As pure jet fuel sprayed into the turbine combustion chambers, their heads snapped back as the pilot yelled, "yeeee-oouch!...that's gonna hurt in the morning". 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005     Moneybags, and I want more of your money; so invest in my new scheme or I will promptly sign your autograph with an elaborate flourish. "My good man," I said, "I assure you NOTHING can go wrong when I'm around!" 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005      "Who left the window open?" He shouted. "Close that window before that monkey gets in!" But it was too late, the hot cheese was dripping down onto the bottom of the oven and causing a terrible night with Nielsen's ratings. 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005     I screeched to a halt, jumped out, and exclaimed to my friends, "Ain't it cool? 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005     She flipped right over the counter! One shoe came off and smacked a customer in the face! 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005      So when I asked the recreation director where to go, he told me to go jump in the lake. I said "I can do better than that! 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005      They were all dressed in furs and diamonds, tuxedos and tails, and they all looked at each other with wonder, mingled with disgust. "I can't believe you just wet your pants! 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005     Calmly, she answered, "I'm thinking if we ate nothing but lettuce and skim milk for a month we may look good for the St. Valentine's Day party. And I'm all for a healthy diet, but don't you think you're taking it a little far?" She just couldn't understand why anyone would resolve not to exercise. 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005     So the main characters set out to accomplish this mission: a difficult job which would take at least several days and certainly be a bonding experience, an adventure. This team of friends had agreed to buy all the ingredients to make homemade pizza. 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005     Time itself seemed to slow down and the bullets whizzed by each other's ears and limbs. Clip after clip was burned through until we heard those momentous words: "Cut! 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005     We were almost there when great hailstones began falling from the sky. Why they were huge! They were as big as beanbag chairs! 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005     Hundreds of kids having a present wrapping contest. Paper, ribbons, tape were flying everywhere. It was pandemonium. We knew we had to max out our credit cards immediately. 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005      I wonder who thought up that idea. It must have been Mr. Fleschmarkt who authorized that! You know it's against procedure to wear more clothes than can be stored in a purse. 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005      Come and sit on it, and you will feel the stress leave your body quickly. might I recommend a jackhammer operator? 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005      We called the photographer over to get his opinion of the background, and then we set up the .50-caliber machine guns to defend our site from looters. Rare artifacts can fetch a healthy price on the black market, just like scarred old remnants of ancient civilizations. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005     But just as I turned around a man in a green overall quickly began to fall! Tumbling down the chute came a big load of bricks! Yikes! Get out of the way! We scrambled in a hurry and landed on big pile of garden hoses! Struggling to stand up, and feeling very awkward, I went in the women's bathroom because the men's was out of order and I really, really needed to go to the bathroom again! 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005      For instance, have a strawberry for dinner instead of nothing! See, once you get the idea, you'll understand you can't live on rice cakes and water. And that's when you'll need a tongue depresser and flashlight in order to look down your nose at people who weigh more than you do! 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005     That's why I needed an expert carpenter. Once you start getting creative you can envision new shapes for rooms. For instance, how about the shape of an egg? We could use that for the windows, the furniture, and the whole enchilada really did fit on the makeshift picnic table. 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005     Then I jumped over the wall and into the swirling vortex of fear! Countering the attack with another new move, the hovering spinning high kick, he propelled his opponent across the room flew a whirling bat ninja right at me. 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005     I bet that would get more people to vote! You need live music, kiddie rides, free food, and most of all you need A BRAIN ! So why not stick some on the voting booths for fun? 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005     He had been locked up ages; he couldn't remember when he got his last rabies shot. Was it time for a booster? Puzzling over this, he decided to call for help from the adjoining nest, so they could quickly get the worms underground before the birds got them. 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005     over her top, and "WASH" over her lower area, so the signs obscured her clothing and everyone driving past would think "Holy cow! Those girls are wearing bikinis! 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005     With that he opened fire and I dodged every bullet with great aplomb. Now I was really thankful for those ballet lessons. My new flexibility was a great asset to my health. I thought it was worth a try, so I plugged in some batteries and turned it on. Lights started flashing red, white, and blue! 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004     John-John, my special friend, what I should do...wait. He's imaginary, I keep forgetting! I'm cracking up! I need to stop and take a break. I'll just put this Dr. Enuf into the freezer to get cold. 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004     Little did he know, right around the corner there was Emil Blonsky, better known as the Abomination! His pasty yellow reptilian bulk towered over 8 feet tall. When he saw the Hulk he lost his cool and started sniveling and crying. 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004      I asked. "Who, her? She's the Director of Faith-Based Initiatives at D.C.!" she said sweetly. "This PTA is disbanded. All your children will be going to Christian charter schools from now on!" The parents cheered while the teachers groaned. "Who's that?" I asked. "Who, her? She's the Director of Faith-Based Initiatives at D.C.!" 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004      Startled, I turned around to see a Ferris wheel toppling over, about to smash dozens of people into tiny bits! I screamed for help! Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone. 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004     The editor asked, "What's the matter?" "Can't you see that the weatherman hasn't arrived yet?!! What are we going to do? 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004     See, if you drink enough champagne, you forget you're on this lousy vegetarian diet, and you're free to create stupendous sculptures made from multicolored tofu. 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     You can just sit in the shade of the trees and enjoy the breeze and listen to the crunching of the tacos, the sloshing of the margaritas, and the sizzling of the fajitas. 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004      Ready to dance? First lift your right leg and touch your toes on the edge of the piano. We were lucky enough to have live piano music to dance to. Which makes sense, actually, because the piano player had sprained his ankle and couldn't show up. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004      I just knew if I could get a running start I could make that jump. Mentally focused, and calling on all my leg muscles, I sprang up to the edge of the pit and was able to pull myself out before the avalanche of rocks smashed into where'd I'd been moments before. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004     She usually ate them. At a nearby table, I saw a bright red hula hoop left over from the 50's. 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004      It will cause itchy feet. That's right. You won't be satisfied to stay at home. You'll want to take another trip as soon as you can. The fun is just beginning. Now we are headed for the North Pole! 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004     Ask me anything. Because I'll have an answer for you. It may not be the answer you want to hear, but it'll be too bad if we don't get these filthy jail cells cleaned out. The sargeant will take a fit. To clean them, he will probably want us to use stun guns. 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004      We had a hard time because he was so fat. The fat seemed to absorb the knockout juice. But we succeeded when we gave him a big dose of what for! 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004      We didn't know what it was and adrenalin surged as we all jumped to our feet. Immediately we saw Jeff Goldblum! We wanted to get his autograph, but he ran right past us, screaming in terror. We looked up, and there was only one bone left from an entire dinosaur and it was broken into 5 pieces. 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004      There is no better smell except for the smell of tulips, lavender, and freshly cut grass. Oh yes, and don't forget the fresh-baked biscuits that were brought to us by UPS, the BROWN people. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004      she shouted. "I can't hear you!" He couldn't hear her, either, but he knew she was talking because her lips were moving. But he could not hear her! Weird! He must have deafened himself with the loud engines he was working on. Now she was getting mad because he wasn't answering her. 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004      It was time to start thinking about dinner. Luckily, Rosita's father had a good catch of fish from earlier that day. Digging a hole in the sand, they lay down some firewood. They placed the cooking pan in the outdoor oven which the Ruwandans had built with stone and layers of crushed bones were all that remained of those who opposed the formation of the International Village. 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004     Paris was never known for good manners. All the Parisians are very aloof, treating anyone with a different accent as scum. For example, when I offered a little old lady my seat on a bus, she exclaimed, " Where's that music coming from? It seems to be all around us!" She was right; the very air seems to be immersed in vaporized perfume. 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004      Each bag weighed half an ounce, so we were able to stuff a great many of them in Xander's backpack before he started complaining. He grumbled, " I'm really getting tired and hungry. I want a Brown Mule. 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004     If that happens, the only thing you can do is blow it out with all your might. Then you will feel 100 % better. In fact, you will feel so good that you grab a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004      I soon decided barefoot was good........if your feet were hot. But not good if your feet were covered with blisters, stuck with splinters, and if the ground oozed with the green slime from that pond we sloshed through earlier, while holding up our rifles so they wouldn't get wet! What I couldn't understand was why we never got to sleep more than 5 hours at a time. 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004     "You just drooled on it! You stupid idiot. And that was our last steak in the kitchen! Well, the customer is waiting; we've got to do something. Here, rinse it off with this sprayer. NOT AT ME! Aim it that way!" Quickly, I retrieved the wiggling hose and finished cleaning up. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004      There was only one quick solution: and that was to immediately drink lots of ammonia and chase it with bleach. He belched a monstrous cloud of lethal chlorine gas, and all the oxygen supply was quickly being depleted. What to do?!! Here, take this axe and knock a hole in the floor. 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004      Oops, too big! Now what? Well, just fill it up again. To accomplish this, one will have to accumulate enough borax to kill all the mice. "Hell, Betty," Dad said, "There's enough borax here to kill an elephant, or at least a raisin or a chocolate chip. 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004      Hurry we need to try to refreeze it! And to do that we need some sunscreen lotion, beach towels, and volleyballs, and of course food. Don't forget the food." So we hightailed it to the rest area so we could throw up. 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004     This tunnel. It's stuck in some sort of space-time moebius strip, such that no matter how many times we go down it, we'll always end up back in the mine. We're stuck here! FOREVER! But not to worry! Remember, we found a hidden cache of Moon Pies and RC Colas....plus we can always play the turn down game." 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004      What were you thinking when you used your peanut butter sandwich as a bookmark?!! Now this book looks like a bunch of crap. But that didn't stop us from making fun of it. I held it up and yelled, " BE QUIET! BE QUIET! BE QUIET!" And then he yelled it again with even more emphasis," REVENGE IS SWEET, AND A DISH BEST SERVED COLD!!" 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004     "I can't help it," Bonnie said, "Every time I see one, it makes me want to cry. I just can't help it. I get all teary-eyed; and then I start to wonder why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004     And so it was time to clean that greasy, baconbit-encrusted grill. First off, turn it on low, then squirt it with liquified meat product. It gives it that meat-like flavor, and don't forget the starch spray for the fries. 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004      You cannot beat the taste! Eating these every day will make you feel like a million bucks! This will pep you up: a nice hot cup of hot tea! What in the world else would a Grandma have at the end of a long day........or at the beginning of a short one?! 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004     He stealthily lunged out from under cover, and they immediately began shooting 360 degrees around their location, blowing away over half the threat in the first 4 seconds. After that, self-preservation was only a matter of using his nunchaku in a totally awesome way, spinning them up, down, left, right, so fast that you couldn't even see them move. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004     It was a hollow sound. But it was the only one he cared about anymore. His laughter, tinged with madness, echoed through the prison daily. It was a hollow sound. But it was the only one he cared about anymore. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004      Because of the low gravity, the buildings were very tall, so tall, in fact, that they were able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. In fact... exclaimed Sam with barely contained glee. Unfortunately, he was wearing his kyptonite underwear that day, and they all parachuted out into a black hole of oblivion. 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004     Thus began the century-long "Reign of Terror." and then threw back his own with peals of diabolical laughter. Thus began the century-long "Reign of Terror." The king looked down at him and replied," and then threw back his own with peals of diabolical laughter. Thus began the century-long "Reign of Terror." 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004     The judge escaped deep scratches by hiding under his desk. Miss Na Tasha was into heavy spitting, and Barrister had to resort to using a bowl of Grape-Nuts for a litterbox. Next, he pled for mercy before the court. Desperate he spoke directly to the jury, and he said with tearful eyes, " 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004      Yeeha! We graduated! Finally, they spilled out into the aisles of the auditorium and all threw their hats into the air. Yeeha! We graduated! Everyone stood in fearful amazement wondering if they would be doomed to live the rest of their lives up in branches of this oak tree. Finally, they spilled out into the aisles of the auditorium and all threw their hats into the air. 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004     As a result, they gave permission to build on the site of the historic battlefield never realizing that an apocolyptic tidal wave was only a few miles away and coming fast. We're doomed. He spent most of the time talking about himself. As a result, they gave permission to build on the site of the historic battlefield never realizing that an apocolyptic tidal wave was only a few miles away and coming fast. 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     once he heard that, he knew the time was near. So near, in fact, he nervously checked his ticket stub to make sure he wasn't late for the previews. he wasn't. In fact, he still had enough time to play another game of Warlords Battlecry.