Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022     Will we run out of time to catch the sunset. Phooey! Yes, phooey! Now I have to wait 23 1/2 hours to get to see the moonflower bloom! Until then, well, who knows? 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021      Most other people would flee or cower in the face of such peril, but we could always count on him to fire up the grill!! Get those steaks ready!! He was always generous with sprinkling the garlic salt, but he was very careful with the bottle of 1931 Sauvignon Blanc from France. 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021     You can set it right next to this bigger can of Whoop-Ass!" Some distance away, a browsing elk suddenly lifted his head. 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020     The pilot banked to avoid it but it seemed to swoop toward us, and in moments were were engulfed in the savory smells of Christmas dinner cooking! Happy and relieved, we smiled and stepped through the revolving door only to be snagged into a continual rotation! We could not get out! 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020     Now get in, loser. We're headed for the Mexican border. Would you pass the TV remote control? 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019     Plethora. No, it's a word that means a tornado probably came though overnight. Judging by the debris all over the front porch, I knew the next thing to do would be to install a charcoal filter. When you stop to think about it, we spend a lot of time installing things: software, shelves, popes, ...Wait! 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019     As I licked my fingers clean, I wondered did I still need to wash them before I played Clash of Clans on my phone? Eh, it'll be all right. So I just went ahead and played, but later I regretted that trolling. 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     But little did the inhabitants know, today would be the last normal day in a long time. Well, no matter what else is going on, everybody knows the most important thing to have is drinking water. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019     They were finished. On that note her cousin from France came for a visit and her name was... 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019     Licking his fingers, he discovered a bleeding hangnail! Ooops! He had visions of staph infection permeating his body. I must take care of that he frantically thought! 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019      I will just go buy some new paper at the local Christmas wrap store. They had every kind you could think of, but I was really drawn to the sparkly tissue wrapping paper! That and the snowflake ribbons reminded me of when I met the real Santa years ago. 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018     This was the moment the past several weeks had been building up to. woods or open fields? This was the moment of truth. This was the moment the past several weeks had been building up to. woods or open fields? 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018     The only solution we could think of was to cut the rope to the anchor so we could drift away from the whirlpool...hopefully. 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018      When it rains, the water runs down the hill, comes through the back door and flows all across the whole garage and goes out the door! I don't know why I just let stuff sit there literally for years and never use it or even look at it. 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018     "Remember, the customer doesn't know what they want to buy. You have to tell them." The lecture continued for a few hours, until finally the sinks were all full of nice hot soapy water all ready for me to wash! 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018     Sure, it can be tough, but once the chainsaw got involved, there was great danger! 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018     The Shadow knows. He also knows where all the best cookie crumbs are! the whole family had to move. So be very, very careful never to leave a trail of crumbs to your bedside! 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017      If you need ANYthing, just ask me, and I will refer you to my friend: Chuck Norris." He tapped his conductor's rod on the podium, and then, when he was sure he had their attention, he said, "I am the Big Cheese around here. If you need ANYthing, just ask me, and I will refer you to my friend: Chuck Norris." 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017     But at the same time we would attempt to eat one hot pepper each. The winner would be able to do it with the least amount of elbow grease....and what a relief that was! 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      You might even run into a zamboni! And you're miles from the nearest skating rink. The nearest one is right next doo' Let's walk over there, introduce ourselves to the new neighbor, and say, "Hey, hey, hey, hey. 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017      The cheese should go on first, though. If you put the cheese on last, the vegetables will get sour and moldy if you leave them out of the frig too long. Why don't you decide what you are going to do with them? 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016      The best thing to do is take a minute to evaluate the situation, then decide which size pizza to order, the giant 18-inch, or should we order the small instead of the large? 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016     It was from the party last night! Everyone drank too much, and everyone will clap and cheer when they see it! 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016     But he ran out of that, too, and didn't have any more newspapers to soupify to make more, so he started tearing pages of his roommate's textbook. 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016     They were unfortunately unimpressed, and said haul that big garden cart over here! We are going to hose water into it and then fill it it with ice. 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016     I didn't want to break the bad news, but police could show up at any minute! When they get here, we will make our favorite hamburger strogonoff using ground up stumps. The result is a very useful mulch. 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016     Ain't nobody got time for that! My mind started going through all the things I could be doing instead: playing Minecraft, watching Youtube videos, I could even see the stains had all but disappeared! What a great product! And the name of it was " Your dearest wish come true." 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016      Would we be even able to get out of the house?? We went to look for the snow shovel, but instead found the manhole cover that had been lost for two months! 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     So we packed the extra stuff into a priority box and sent it to Hell in a handbasket! And there to welcome it into eternal damnation was none other than Xander and Ethan who decided to come for a visit too!!! 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      Twenty feet below, I could see the dim sparkle of my diamond watch which had slipped off my wrist. Now what?! I gingerly circumnavigated the sharp rocks and came upon an enormous double cheeseburger. 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016     Perfectly pressed and tailored, it did wonders for my mood, and I felt so happy and confident, I called up all my friends and invited them over for a little thing we like to call an "Intervention." Confronted with a mob of irritated neighbors, I ran back into the house and packed! 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015     If you can't sing at least the first verse of Folsom Prison Blues, you'll get kicked out of the 4-H Club faster than you can say " Merry Christmas!" Or you can say, " Pay for it with my Discover Dollars!! 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015     Drivers yelling, managers yelling, the crowd yelling, everywhere there was space to put a composter! 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015      Meanwhile, several neighbors stopped by to see where the smell was coming from. They were holding handkerchiefs over their noses and were mumbling, " Aaahhh! and proceeded to have a coughing fit that lasted for approximately 20 seconds. 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015      Thinking fast, I ran down the hill trying to stay ahead of the rolling pumpkin. I was hoping to catch it before it fell into the raging river down below. 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015      Considering all the work that had gone into it, everyone was really surprised that Aussie rock had made it into the mainstream in the States. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     They're HUGE!" Unexpectedly, the plants were hit with a terrible blight which quickly made them perk up. I was satisfied with that, so then I sprayed the tomatoes with a solution to kill the blight. 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     You should be careful about what you watch on TV before you go to bed. It might give you bad breath and terrible indigestion. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015      A relaxing game that makes me feel insecure. The only thing that could settle my nerves now would be if I could take some time to remove all the apps I don't like. Yeah like that new Alpha Betty game, it is not exactly fun and reminds me of HAL, the creepy computer in that science fiction movie. 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     When you're buying tickets for entertainment purposes, it's best if you just ignore this storyline because it does not have one. Who thought this up anyway?? 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015      No wonder you feel weak and you don't want to see me when I'm angry. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     Disappointed and frustrated, I determined that the cosine of a right angle is equal to the length of the adjacent line divided by the hypotenuse. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015      I had to have plenty of room to make the icing made with butter and powdered sugar. Into that, sprinkle some delicately iced with pastel swirls of curled ribbon. The most delicious part is the unique combination of chocolate chips, coconut, chopped pecans, and held together by welded high-gauge wire. 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     The clear sky released the oppressive heat, and stars started to blink on. I knew they only SEEMED closer...or were they really? 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015      I need to travel to a warm clime, and bask in the humid warmth of the American South. Animals you could expect to see include Kangaroos and Koala Bears! They are so cute. 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015     on every paper except one, on which she wrote: "100%" She felt pleased whenever the students got all the questions right. She also liked to tell them what nutritional snacks to choose. 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     They were having a big sale and on the main shelves were stacks of old magazines that I had never read. 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     Sometimes all it takes is a little gutsy resolve! So anyone can decide tomorrow will be a new day and when you wake up, the first thing you should do is get an accountability partner. 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014      From there they will be handed out to homeless people. What will they do with them? Obviously, they will put them in the refrigerator asap. Chop! Chop! Once they get good and cold, they will be ready for pickup! You will recognize the delivery personnel by their red noses so cold and dripping with molasses. 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014     Sweet lifeblood of our glorious mother country, it falls like water from the skies and collects in pools. Children from the nearby village came running, naked, to dive into a particularly deep collection of sweet, sweet, silvery alcohol. 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014      Full of possibilities for winning the county's "Best Decorated Yard". We had to get to work! I asked Bonnie to go buy lots of candles. Nothing brightens up a wintertime room like candlelight! 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     I could tell they weren't from here, they looked like they were from another planet!! I stepped cautiously toward them, and suddenly they ran up the incline as fast as they could! 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014     I figured that third choice made perfect sense because he had just eaten a loaf of bread the size of his head. He then extemporaneously launched into song. he declared, "And it's dedicated to freezing peoples' brains so they can be revived at a later date. 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     WRONG! You can also use Skin-So-Soft Bath Oil. And after 30 minutes, you can add another layer of impermeable film. That will prevent water loss through evaporation. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014      At least I was able to kill all the drop bears and goblins, well, sort of, I guess." Then she thought to herself: "I sure do hope there aren't eggs in that cave over there." And with that, the screen went blank!! What the hell?!?!?! What a bad game ending!!! But what an awesome game. What a garbled mess this has become!!! 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     Kill it, kill it, KILL IT!!!!!" I was beginning to freak out a little because it was quite large, ugly AND smelly! There was no way to get out! 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     Just when the tension was almost too much to bear, the elastic snapped in my sweat pants, and I had to quickly step up the pace. 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013     In the morning. I LOVE IT! It smells like victory and then, when you least expect to find roly poly bugs in the flower pots. One must get rid of them by voting for the Republican candidate! Do you want more freedom? Want a return to the moral, family values that made this country great? Then you need to put your feet up sometimes. 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     But you couldn't tell because your pants are on fire! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call the plumber! 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     It only takes a spark to get a fire going so they could have a giant Humpty-Dumpty omlette! HAHAHA!! There may be more to eat than even all the king's men can handle. 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     Then you will be safely high enough to escape the impending tsunami. We could see it coming it the far distance! It looked like a gigantic tortoise, heaving up out of the earth. Strange as this was, it only got weirder as relatively small automobiles started spilling out of its mouth. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     You know it is in the attic, but when you look for it, instead you find luggage with broken wheels. A better strategy is just to start fresh! Get organized! Go for gold! With a GQ (genetic quotient) this high, Jerome Morrow was never meant to be one step down on the podium. 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     I just turned it over and dabbed on plenty of makeup before leaving the house. "You look like a street walker!" I exclaimed. "You go to Dollar General to find a knife sharpener but instead you come home with a large group of hungry friends and acquaintances! Hah!" But it so happens that actually works out better, because Waffle House is open 24 hours! 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     Grenadine! Straight from the can! Deee-licious! Now I am going to mix it all up in my new blender. Ooops! I forgot to put on the lid! All across the walls and floor were diplomas, certificates, degrees, and other accolades from a variety of prestigious institutes of learning and experimentation. 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012     (Muhahahaha) He also has another present hidden in the glove box of his car. Already in the glove box was a carefully wrapped gyro sandwich, hot and freshly made with lots of whipped cream and chopped up maraschino cherries and topped off with premium unleaded. 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     Not just any shelves, but the kind that are made of old rotten athletic shoes. I had dozens of them, piled everywhere! They smelled like rotting potatoes. It was horrible. I tried to scoop them up with a long-handled metal scythe that we got from Reapers 'R' Us. 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011     You see them on TV coming out in the dark of night searching for brains to eat. When you see them coming you must floor it! "Eat my dust, turkeys!" I yelled out the window as the car shot out of the stocking which was hanging on the mantle. I heard a rustling in the chimney, an looked up and saw a huge SALE sign!!! 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     It is also important where you place them: only put them back in the grave where they belong. But you have to hit them pretty hard to stop them, because they ate too many brains (!) which caused them to jump up and down and sing Yankee Doodle. 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     Unfortunately she could not bear to get rid of anything after all the decluttering, so she proceeded systematically to attack the zombies! zombies had invaded and were eating people's brains and throwing newspapers helter skelter down from the attic until finally everything was listed on Ebay and Craigslist. 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009     The note said, " Help me! I'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory!" It was then we realized our next stop had to be a chinese restaurant. because big drops of sweat were pouring down my face. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     Maybe one day they'll learn to stop fighting over who got to choose the ice cream flavor. Well we finally got it all settled and the choice was Swirled Tempest of Flaming Death, the trademark attack of the zombie ninjas of Mars. 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008     I'd been saving up for a while, because the operation costs two stitches were all that was needed to close up the gaping hole in the ceiling so big, he could see the sky! He pointed at it and exclaimed "What is a laser anyway? Will it hurt?!! 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007     and by then my hand was so sore from playing City of Heroes I had to take a break! Cool! and by then my hand was so sore from playing City of Heroes I had to take a break! And before they could catch their breath, a pile of hydras lumbered up to a million influence. 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007      The music started, and then slowly emerging onto the screen was a giant box! I knew it was full of video games which I had ordered. I'm so skilled at 'em they only last a few days, max. That's why I have to soak my hands in hot paraffin every night. 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007     I yelled, "Hey you kids! Get out of my flowers!" But they were eating all the leaves off my periwinkles. 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007     It expanded quickly into a hard, yellowish goo which was perfect for the cats new dining area. They would love this pretty new space complete with not one but two cores per CPU, giving it inherent multiprocessing power. 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006     He tried pumping the brakes again to see if they really could go 120 mph. Well you'll never know unless you try! So they fastened their seatbelts, turned to each other and grinned and then they gasped in shock at the number of bugs that had shuffled off this mortal coil on their teeth. 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006     He paused, and then continued: " I want every intern to pay attention here. Watch me make this incision, and I don't want anybody to cry when I'm gone. 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     When he heard the news, he fell forward on his desk forgetting that right in front of his face was his leftover lunch, a big bowl of candies for visitors to help themselves to. We also put out a wide variety of chewed pencils which seemed to be coated with a sticky layer of Glue-Stik glue, the kind you get from the Dollar Store. 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006     I ran toward the van to try and get his autograph, but he growled, "I ain't got time for your jibba-jabba, fool!" And with that, he made a U-turn and proceeded back down the road and bumped into a steel spike that protruded from a pile of obliterated concrete. 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006     And I hope you have it, because it's important when traveling to be able to drink hot tea with the little finger in the air. It's not as easy as you think! 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006     Just like the song goes: "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer... 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005     Slimy green lymph splattered everywhere even onto his hairdreszor. "You are such an abuzor!" She shrieked, " My baby! My baby!" We came running and saw many tentacles creeping out of the hatch, and they were reaching for a rope to pull themselves out before the Lazor Beam Hydra returned!!!!!!!! 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005      But it was worth it, because life isn't measured in how many breaths you take, but in how many moments like these, I lift up a song, I lift up a love song, to Jesus! In moments like these, I'm sure glad I use Dial. Don't you wish everybody would have dressed up the way WE did?!! 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005      We sped along the unfamiliar tanks from the Russian military came rolling down the highway, the asphault crumbling under their heavy wheels! I sure didn't want to end up there! 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005     I needed no distractions ,I had to be totally focused because of the traffic snarls, the icy streets, and the crazy dudes out front with the pots and handbells. Every time I walk by, they scare me. 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005      Well, think again!! The employee's eyes bugged out and he screamed "I want a refill! NOW!!!" But he didn't understand that we never clean off the tables unless the manager yells at us; which he usually does every hour: He yells, " Orrrder uuuuuup!" 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005      They must weigh at least 100 pounds! We could only use them for smashing into peoples' front doors when they had sucky Halloween candy. Why, just last year, we brought home enough pumpkins to make lots of pies. 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015     He then tried to use the cash register, but it exploded! Into a million pieces of pillow filling! bendy. Here, hold my Silly-Putty(tm) while I give you another test. Sit down quickly and write your name at the top of your game. 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005      Now all you need to do is finish these cheetos while making some last minute calculations to ensure our safe arrival back to earth. One never knows what will happen if you transpose the warp stream with the antimatter containment field, you will surely lose your breakfast in a hurry, unless you made sure first that you fasten your helmet securely, fasten your oxygen hose, and secure you must be, and I the all-wise one, tell you I will, that you really had better know what you're doing by now! 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005     We all had a big laugh. But the truth was hard to swallow; in fact I was so overwhelmed, that I had to make the computer do what the teacher wanted it to do! 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     I know positively that these eggs are fresh! Break this one open and you will see why you should never cook with Spam on television." 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005     We went to Outdoor World and found 2 very dirty diapers behind the bookcase. Ewww! Smelly! And the Welcome Wagon ladies were already coming up my front steps! The quickest thing I could do was put them into a big cardboard box. If I hurried, I could get to Warehouse Store and buy another 1000 diapers before they go to college! 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005     It needs to be CLOSED at this time!!" With that, she jumped off the roof and landed in the kiddie pool. 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005      But think about it, how are you going to avoid that big traffic jam up ahead? I think the best way would be to just act natural. That way we can glide more easily into the gulch, where we will be protected from the oncoming onslaught of tornadoes. 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005     They were going so fast, the asphalt was melting. The pavement started to get sticky, and that made the tires start to melt. 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005      Or if it's really raining, then you better run out with every bowl or bucket you have. It may be your only chance to go to the bathroom before we do our one and only daily flush. And when you go be sure you ask the customer service person there, how to install a low-flow toilet. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005     So instead, try to re-interpret your hunger as a desire to do another favorite activity besides eat, such as eggplant, okra, mushrooms, and rhubarb: all on Greg's list of guys lookin' in yer window! Every time I see them my appetite goes through the roof! I could eat them all day, breakfast lunch and dinner. 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005     I didn't have a pocket so that's where I kept the money from the yardsale. Those chilly coins were a problem though, so we stunned them with electric shocks. After that they didn't need to mow the lawn! The grass was all mashed down, because all the people had found such great bargains, and were so delighted, they asked us if we would consider administering a state-wide network of yard sales from an executive highrise in Manhattan. 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005      I knew perfectly well that we were over the coldest part of a TV dinner when you get it out of the microwave is always the center part. 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005     Can you tell that I am a MENSA member? My IQ is higher than my weight." "Oh really? she said with a wink. Great googlely-mooglely...that was just about the nicest thing anyone had ever said! Well, after hearing that, I was ready to sharpen all my pencils, and I discovered I need to go buy a new pocketsize spiral notebook and a black power cable. 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005      "Surely you don't mean for me to wear the hideous hospital gown in public, do you?!! Man! I would look like a model off the cover of one of those muscle man magazines!! 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     Now it should be simple to fix. All I have to do is take all this extra cat litter and put it in the display case at the local Pet Store. It will spark so much interest, you'll be building the biggest mega-cat-condo in the world! So to save floor space, you could try cement ing your mouth shut and let me do the thinking, OK? 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005      Then I went back downstairs and fixed myself a meatball lunch pocket. It was so good, I licked it again. "Hey! Quit that! You're getting wallpaper paste all in my hair! uh oh, I'm all out. 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005      I almost lost it - not only were there woodchips in my sandwich, but now my favorite electric tool was perfect for sanding the hardwood floor prior to refinishing it. 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005     well, you know the rest of the neighborhood will shortly know all about it if you tell her. Her favorite thing to talk about is how she's going to marry that new recruit that she met from talking to on the phone, if they survive the latest mission, that is." 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005      Reaching for the throw-up bag would be a good idea. Quickly, there is no time to waste! 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005     We're in the money, we're in the money, we've got a lot of snot to clean up here. It is all over the place. Start wiping with this ring, I thee wed." And as the crowd watched breathlessly, she flicked her hair back, licked the lipstick off her teeth and proceeded to raise her middle finger for all to see and said, "If it weren't for me, I wouldn't be where I am today." 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005      The studio kitchen was sparkling, brand new appliances, and plenty of brandy. That helps takes the edge off when you get too stressed. 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005     Why would anyone want to eat eel? It is just gross to think about: Imagine those slimy, writhing creatures on a plate of lead-free pewter. We're going for a minimalist look here: clean lines, neutral colors. 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005     Coffee leads to throat cancer", but another sign said "Coffee can cure ennui!" He declared with confidence. "I can tell you suffer from it." 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005     How fast can this thing go?" Stunned, I replied "But it was right here! I put it there myself!" I was completely flabbergasted! I had lost my third game of shuffleboard! What to do? I think I should sit out the next one and work out a new lodging arrangement. 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005     But to use a bidet this large, someone would have to have a butt the size of a pouf chair which happened to be covered with at least an inch of freeze-dried shrimp had rained down onto the roadway. The wrecked semi was blocking traffic. 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005     Calmly, she answered, "I'm thinking if we ate nothing but lettuce and skim milk for a month we may look good for the St. 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005      Marketing firms know how much parents want to make their kids happy. It's all about finding the sources of disposable cellphones. See, in the future, so many people had been using disposable cellphones that the landfills were overflowing with them and people were dying in disposable cellphone avalanches. 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005     Fantastic, AKA Dr. Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four. He said to watch out for Doctor Doom! His latest information reported that there was a severe shortage of toilet paper. 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005     We were almost there when great hailstones began falling from the sky. Why they were huge! They were as big as beanbag chairs! The kids were having a lot of fun batting them back and forth, but finally I had to call out to them, "Hey! 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005      We must get those orders out right away! You know everyone just loves those boxes of styrofoam peanuts. Find someone who has a fan blowing in their room, dump the box, and watch the fun! 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005     Now fix your wardrobe immediately!" Crying, she moaned, "Why me? Why do I have to wear that hideous dress? Can't you see that it is too cold in here for a swimsuit shoot! Blue lips are not sexy!" You know it's against procedure to wear more clothes than can be stored in a purse. 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005     To see a good selection I think I will have to go to the baths, and have a good soak. After that I should feel really blessed and just happy to be alive. And that is hard to find. To see a good selection I think I will have to go to the baths, and have a good soak. 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005      We arrived all excited to start our search for buried treasures. First we set up out tents and dug latrines into which to put the daily entries, which should include date, grid coordinates, name of the person who found it, and a description of ancient Babylonian bones with the addition of old photos of amazingly preserved pies! 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005     With that, I checked that no one was looking and threw my M&M's wrapper into the display toilet. But just as I turned around a man in a green overall quickly began to fall! 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005     Stay focused on eating everything in sight. You may end up being bulimic, but at least that won't kill you. Probably. Your other alternative is to eat yogurt 3 times a day. To add to the great nutritional value of the yogurt, you can add chopped tuna. 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005     should certainly qualify me to start my new house! I had already drawn the plans which would include 2, maybe 3 banks of cannons to blow away looters, marauders, and other human filth that would start roaming the streets if Kerry was elected president. 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005     YOU CANNOT COMPARE WITH MY POWERS!!" As powerful as he was, he couldn't resist by Cloud of Ten Lightning Fists. "For great justice!" I cried, and "All your base are belong to us!" 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005      What a prize! I bet I could sell them on E-Bay for at least a hundred hours. At the conclusion of it all, we were exhausted and hungry. So we went to the front of the line to show our voter cards. 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005     A messenger was sent to the prison chaplain's office to plead his case. If he didn't get out soon, he'd die. He soon heard that Spot next door was wearing a flea collar. What a wimp. Barrister has no use for such "jewelry". Maybe he should just walk over and slap around the intruder! 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005      Frowning, we decided we could first try vacuuming up all the fragments of dried vomit. If they aren't stuck to the upholstery. If they are, we can try to use a high powered spray washer with a jet nozzle...or to blow his big hair dryer over the towel-dried car, for a final touch-up. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005      What's the big deal? And who has time to do that? He cleaned his sink when the water would not go down any more. 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004      And where would I start? I made a path toward the window when suddenly I saw a large water-stained cardboard box with bulging sides. I thought, "I probably don't even want to know where I got this box of grenades. 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004      Everyone got very quiet. No one knew what to do. Then, Russell Young walked in dragging his dentist, who said, "You don't need those teeth!" Rip! Russell screeched, and yelled, " 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004      The smooth, dark polished wood, rich carpeting and drapes, and extensive collection of leather-bound books always served to calm my racing mind. But today my concerns would not so easily be laid to rest. 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004      Look at that flaky crust! Look at those plump chunks of meat on that carcass. This is the best BBQ I've been to!" He shoveled some baked beans on my plate and one big greasy hog jowl. I looked down and could feel my breakfast coming up. 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004     "Can't you see that the weatherman hasn't arrived yet?!! What are we going to do? We have 10 minutes to play ads until we can find the rest of tonight's tape. WHo had it last?" We all started to eat our noontime sandwiches. They came from Joe's Beanery. 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004      For dessert you get fruit salad sweetened with maple syrup (honey exploits bees). We don't eat meats! Can't you get that straight?!! It's been 4 stinkin' decades since we had meats! We don't need meats; we need only add a little herbs and spices, and no one will ever guess. 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     We scraped it up off the road, and put it in a tortilla! Everything tastes good in a tortilla! Meat, eggs, cheese, even chopped veggies mixed with ranch dressing, peanut butter, honey, butter, and more peanut butter. 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004     Fortunately, they breezed through all the physical training and went on to become decorated infantry. Their only recourse was to join the Army. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004      That soft cartilage is so sensitive, so easy to bleed, so tender and kind. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004     There had to be some here somewhere. And then I saw it: THE most tacky lamp I have ever seen! 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004     The lead one proclaimed, "You have trespassed on holy ground, infidel, now you will put on your scuba gear because we are going underwater. We will swim to that shark cage, get in, lock the gate, and wait anxiously for nightfall. I'm exhausted!" 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004     That's the way we do things around here. And sometimes I had to bash some heads to make it happen. 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004      Sometimes we found the eggs in the strangest places: why one time we found three behind the barn, smoking like a durn chimney. I grabbed 'em by the ear and hollered, "I'm gonna tan yer hide, boy!" I dragged him inside and tried to put him to sleep so the vet and I could operate. 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004      Soon it would be dark and we would be in the dark with no flashlights. It was getting scarier by the minute, so we decided to resign ourselves to our fate. Surrounded, it was only a matter of time before we got turned into dino-hors d'ouevres. 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004     Blam! Blam!) Oops, that was Roger and June's night light! Oh well, moving right along, discarding a few weeds here, a few dead leaves there, soon your garden will look like crap. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004     Shreds of clothing flew away, revealing dark brown fur beneath. She scrambled out of the car as soon as she regained consciousness enough to realize she was IN A CAR! she slurred with anger. "WHERE'S MY LUNCH!" Just then, Weldon appeared with a Rally's bag in each hand, giggling. 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004     She laughed. "There's nothing better than sitting around the campfire singing in twelve different languages at once!" "There's nothing like knocking the puck around in the light of the midnight sun!" 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004     Be sure to securely fasten your bungee cord before you jump!" That is, if I'm ever even at the Eiffel Tower again! 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004     But Xander said, " You know, I am getting hungry. Is there a restaurant around here anywhere?" And sure enough there was a Taco Bell right inside the store! So Xander hurried over there and ordered a big Mac with cheese and extra ketchup and Great Biggie Fries. 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004      Why do you fart, anyway? Maybe it's to interrupt conversations with long drawn-own guttural (Yeah from the gut to be sure!) sounds that brought with them whisps of sickening smells that were sure to make even a strong man wilt like a flower that's been in the sun too long. Everyone would be like, " 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004     I exclaimed, beaming. "And I just might get it, too, it's just what I need in my tent when we go camping out in the woods. In the middle of the night, I can get it out and use it to help me steal hot dogs from the mess hall. 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004      I could not help but stare. Suddenly he turned and caught me! I couldn't help turning red, and I quickly turned my attention to his corn dog. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004     I did my Kargoth impression when I talked to the Registrar. "I am become death--destroyer of worlds!" I growled as I walked in. 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004     Yeah, and we need some meats! And to go with that some milk!" And if you give him some milk, he will lap it up very delicately all the while holding his little pinky high in the air. We ain't had nothin' to eat for three stinkin' days but this moldy bread. Yeah, and we need some meats! 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004     Mystified, they cautiously approached the abandoned roller coaster. "Hey, let's get one of the cars, push it to the top and jump in and see how far we can go!" So they laboriously pushed and pushed, and when they got to the top they saw what was causing the tornado: the villanous Sky Master!! 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004      There was a whole box of dynamite that someone had left behind. Hey maybe this will work out after all! So he took one stick, and he cut it into one inch pieces and used them to start a fire. someone complained, "You'll use up all our air!" 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004     Alas, every book in the entire library was checked out. Now what?! I guess we will have to go to the comic book store. And when we get there I will buy some sense, and gift-wrap it and give it to you! 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004     And just then the drugs kicked in and then the convulsions started. "Oh, no!" My friends said, "Quickly, turn off the electricity before she's fried!" I lunged for the power switch, but just then there was a loud explosion outside the meditation room! What had happened?! 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004     "You'd better be careful or that might fall in in big vat of boiling hot french fry grease. It was popping out, splattering the wall and dripping down the side of his face and landing on the countertop with a "splat". he said, "my boil just erupted!" 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004     But not just any orc blood. The orc blood this recipe called for had to be room temperature. But they were cold, fresh out of the frig. Being in a hurry, she held them to her belly in order to warm their little wet bodies. Poor little things, all soaked and cold, she then took them one by one and gently rubbed them with a towel. 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004     After that, self-preservation was only a matter of using his nunchaku in a totally awesome way, spinning them up, down, left, right, so fast that you couldn't even see them move. In fact, you couldn't see them at all until the curtain of blood was gone. The massive and violent battle was finally finished. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004     Ever. His laughter, tinged with madness, echoed through the prison daily. It was a hollow sound. But it was the only one he cared about anymore. Sometimes he would laugh, thinking how now the Betty Mafia could never get him. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004     There can be only one escape pod module. Who will draw the long straw to be in it? Who will excape the seething blubbery morass of stinking foul alien green cards. asked Sam, quizzically. the officer replied, "It's the illegal immigrants, the aliens, we give them to. They bathe in artificial dihydrogen monoxide which was produced in a laboratory manned by hyper-intelligent mice. 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004     "So," Count Muenster declared, "We have thee to thank for these delightful victuals." 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004      Next, he pled for mercy before the court. Desperate he spoke directly to the jury, and he said with tearful eyes, " 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004     He waved at him, and yelled, "Where did you graduate from? Podunk U.?!! Your degree must have been written with invisible ink!" He started to sit down, but then yelled again, " 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004     Her manner frightened the man somewhat, so he stammered Woo Baby, I just wet my pants! 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     The sky turned white with all the exhaust plumes from the nuclear-armed missiles, and soon they found the hidden treasure!