Betty's Turn-Down Game

Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system.

Please select a story to view:

Story ID	Title	Creator	Status	Num Entries	Date Finished
174	Springtime in Virginia	betty	Done	22	12/27/2022
And when they say, "I don't want ANY Spam! then I'll reply, "You are the biggest dummy I have ever seen!! You are the biggest dummy I have ever seen! Can you not see that bird's nest? In that tree, right up there! You can see it, right next to the big ferris wheel.
173	Daylight Saving Time !	betty	Done	23	4/21/2021
Didn't they both come from the country of Upper Volta?? Boppy has stamps from there.
172	A Winter Day in the Wilderness	bonnie	Done	22	2/15/2021
If I could just sleep for a minute or two, I could probably get enough strength to make it to the road. As my eyelids slid closed of their own volition, the last thing I heard from the crackling, dying radio was "Oh, the weather outside is frightful..."
171	Oh, the weather outside is frightful...	betty	Done	22	12/31/2020
we were getting so dizzy, and as a last resort we tried crawling on our hands and knees. That took quite some time, but fortunately, they at least had an overstock of those little peanut snack bags to hand out to everyone.
170	The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!	betty	Done	23	1/13/2020
You boil those separately. They make good broth. Once you're sure you have them all, put them in your mouth. Let's quit beating around the bush here, we're all hungry.
169	A Breath of Fresh Air	bonnie	Done	22	11/15/2019
Appearing in the midst of the carnage was Metallica, inside the mouth of a giant robot dinosaur. They immediately began playing their trademark heavy metal rock music. But it was all Mannheim Steamroller covers, so we didn't mind.
168	Toiling at 3 a.m.	betty	Done	22	10/13/2019
Don't they have anything better to do than trolling people in the middle of the night?"
167	The Reckoning of the Kiwis	xander	Done	22	7/28/2019
After we install in and hook up the water hose to it, all we have to do then is round the Kiwis up into one place, and nuke them. As usual, it was the simplest solution which made the most sense.
166	Somebody's Gotta Do It !	betty	Done	22	7/8/2019
they then proceeded to let loose a tremendous battle cry, striking fear into the hearts of their enemies. Their fury was legendary, their strength and unity were more than we could contend with.
165	I love Thunderstorms !	betty	Done	21	6/10/2019
Time slowed down as my brain tried to make sense of the calamity which had just happened to me. Bones and joints moved in unnatural ways and the pain which I knew was coming took its own sweet time to arrive, which confused my brain even more.
164	Wrapping those Christmas Presents !	betty	Done	23	1/9/2019
For the most part he was everything I'd expected and hoped: rosy cheeks, big exuberant belly laughs, and a warm and compassionate spirit, but what most people don't know is that he is an undercover agent with MI-6!
163	Let's Set Fire to the Woods	xander	Done	21	12/7/2018
But it looks and tastes like snot so wash it down with very dry sticks and pine straw. We gathered all that in a little pile, and then went looking for the all important matches.
162	Some Kind of Adventure	xander	Done	23	9/10/2018
And the texture was very light, like gossamer. Bewildered by so many things we had never encountered before, we knew this was only the beginning of the end. Streaking fire fell from the sky, and portals opened in the earth, from which spilled the uncountable, writhing forms of extradimensional creatures.
161	That Garage !	betty	Done	22	8/9/2018
Sometimes, only brute force can solve a problem. Locked and loaded, I peeked out the cat door to see what all the commotion was about.... Sure enough, there was a bunch of money in there! It's a good thing I went through it or I would have missed finding all those old plastic machine guns.
160	I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?	betty	Done	24	8/3/2018
Certainly the smells there would be delightful! Wow! Thinking about that, why am I even still considering other jobs??
159	A large, healthy tuft of stump grass	bonnie	Done	22	7/18/2018
Mesmerized, we ate popcorn and drank beer while the spectacle continued. Eventually we ran out of mushroom booze. Granted, the stuff makes you hallucinate, but it tastes like liquid gold. I couldn't imagine walking one more mile without at least a gallon of the stuff on hand, so I started scrounging around for old rags to wipe up the spilled lemonade and the big pool of melted popsicles.
158	Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse	betty	Done	21	7/11/2018
Milo must be nearby! Maybe he is resting in a soft bowl of potpourri to freshen the air. Now all that's required to make everything perfect is celebrate good times, come on!
157	Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus	betty	Done	22	7/6/2017
Next time we take a walking tour we will bring plenty of musical instruments, especially guitars and drums."
156	San Antonio Vacation	greg	Done	22	5/27/2017
They had lined their entire property with mirrors! "How strange," I exclaimed, as I tried to climb over the fence, but scintillating disco balls blinded me and I couldn't continue!
155	Will That Snow Ever Melt? !	betty	Done	21	2/5/2017
Some were clumped together, big and heavy, falling faster, so it seemed like they could probably walk down to the river if they put on heavy boots and around their necks they could wrap at least two hands around it! At this rate, we will have paid off our mortgage in 22 years instead of 30.
154	Different Pizza Toppings	greg	Done	21	1/11/2017
The cheese should go on first, though. If you put the cheese on last, the vegetables will get sour and moldy if you leave them out of the frig too long. Why don't you decide what you are going to do with them? For starters, you could have salad, breadsticks, or everyone's favorite--stuffed mushrooms!
153	But I don't want to!	bonnie	Done	20	11/13/2016
Pulling one of them loose, I yelled, " BUT I DON'T WANT TO!!!" No one could argue with that. They all leaned way back in their easy chairs and took a nap! but then I realized he was listening to praise music on his earbuds and singing along. Pulling one of them loose, I yelled, "
152	We Need More Enthusiasm !	betty	Done	22	10/16/2016
WE'VE GOT SPIRIT, YES WE DO! WE'VE GOT SPIRIT, HOW 'BOUT YOU?!" Because they had so much experience, this was going to be extremely funny: Each person must get up, turn to the person on his right, look him in the eye, And say,"
151	Xander's New Dorm Room	bonnie	Done	21	9/9/2016
We all got to see Xander's room for the very first time! It's on the second floor, overlooking the placid lake, so blue and relaxing, and what is that swimming over the surface? It must be a family of enthusiastic UTSA alumni! They're delighted with the constant flow of free T-shirts, hors d'oeuvres, gift bags, and lanyards with name tags that say, "
150	Trying to Keep Cool !	betty	Done	22	8/20/2016
So holding my head down, on it I sprayed menthol, and a bit of mint-scented oil.
149	The Stump Vine	bonnie	Done	21	4/26/2016
"It's not real!" I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. she said gravely, "It is real." Irritated, I told her to quit telling me that the Stump Vine exists. "It's not real!" I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment.
148	Laundry	colleen	Done	20	4/2/2016
Your dearest wish come true." Oh! Well, in that case, we should string up some clothesline in the back yard. One end we could wrap around the big pine tree, and the other end we could tie to the neck of an ISIS terrorist! Hahaha! Actually, I meant the the white clothes should be separated from the red, but I forgot and washed them together!
147	It's snowing!!!	colleen	Done	29	2/22/2016
In just a few days, we went home. So, all's well that ends well, and we ate cake and pie. But Winter is almost over!! In just a few days, we went home. So, all's well that ends well, and we ate cake and pie. What a day we had!! But Winter is almost over!!
145	Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!	betty	Done	21	2/5/2016
I tried to buy a burrito at Taco Bell with one of them, but the guy said, " GET back in that X-ray machine! You look like you are carrying a Beretta PX4 Storm Compact 9mm!
144	Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!	colleen	Done	20	1/10/2016
That was effective, and I was able to get on with my work selling potholders door to door. Everyone loved the red and yellow ones. Maybe it was because their kitchens were so well-organized. In fact, anyone could just walk in and easily help themselves to croissants, chocolate eclairs, and mugs of steaming beef stew.
143	Resolutions for the New Year !	betty	Done	22	1/9/2016
Who knew organic farming could be so aggravating that I decided to rewrite the whole list. Starting again with #1, I pledged to try again. Determined, I sat down and finally got to #10! I resolve to refrain from eating bowl after bowl of baked beans.
142	Ordering Online Christmas Presents !	betty	Done	21	12/14/2015
It's like free money!! and who would that be? !! That would be SANTA!! The only one who delivers more Christmas presents than UPS! But you know he needs all the help he can get, and you can help by registering all your information on the website, so every time from then on you won't have to type in your office on your clicky-clacky IBM keyboard from 1981.
141	Dual Composters	greg	Done	21	12/13/2015
I had to wait about two weeks. Then, once I found my shovel and a bucket, it was time to start to start bagging up the compost to sell at our roadside stand.Per bag, the price would start at $159.00 Some may say that's high, but it's worth it because good compost does not stink !
140	Deli Bologna	greg	Done	22	11/28/2015
They must have come from the bottom of the fridge, behind puddles of spilled condiments and half-rotted vegetables.
139	Getting Ready for Fall !	betty	Done	21	10/29/2015
Unfortunately, just at the last second, I slipped in the mud and slid right into a big pile of manure. That was the last straw! He had had it! He was mad as hell, and wasn't going to take a long time to get through all that! So take a deep breath and enjoy the wonderful fall smell of burning leaves and the aromatic essence of powdered Dramamine, which helped keep my lunch down as the plane bounced and quivered its way to jump altitude.
138	Slatherage	greg	Done	21	9/16/2015
Creeping forward, he spotted a fire ant hill right in his path !! Oh no! So he slowly slithered backward, but they had spotted him! They marched toward him with military precision, but in slow-motion.
137	Growing Those Tomatoes !	betty	Done	21	8/1/2015
Tamp down the tourniquets I had to put on my arms after accidentally slicing them with the trowel. Angry and frustrated, I threw it into a tub of warm soapy water hoping I could soak out the blood. When I looked into the tub a few minutes later, much to my amazement I saw the tomato vine growing taller & taller right before my eyes!
136	Midnight snack	colleen	Done	21	6/11/2015
Was it a ghost? Uncertain, I reached out my hand and gingerly nudged the doughnut. It seemed to be moving by itself! Then through a little crack in the sugary glaze I saw several disgusting guests on late-night talk shows.
135	That New Smart Phone	betty	Done	22	6/10/2015
For that, you probably want to consider buying a 15,000 amp generator. Who knows when another hurricane will come through or maybe an ice storm? Because if that happened we would all have to go back to writing cards and letters.
134	NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS	greg	Done	24	6/3/2015
Panicking, I slept. Zzzzzzz Garfield was asleep again. Odie was just staring at him and then he decided to wash & polish his motorcycle and get it all ready to take to Texas !
133	Why me!?!!	colleen	Done	23	6/3/2015
The only drawback is that our refrigerator is on the blink and all the food is slowly spoiling. I wonder if Danny Speight would let us borrow his passes to attend a free movie at Regal Cinemas at Kiln Creek.
132	Backyard Projects	betty	Done	22	5/28/2015
So many new beginnings! It's so encouraging to see all the worms twisting and turning in the new worm farm which was another new project thought up by the very garden gnomes who now completed the whimsical tableau. Posed as if they were going about their daily chores, the garden gnomes banded together and formed a labor union.
131	Cupcakes!	colleen	Done	22	5/26/2015
But we weren't done yet! Next we put the pastel cupcake wrappers in the muffin pan and put it in the larger mixing bowl.
129	Climbing Enchanted Rock	betty	Done	21	5/2/2015
You will see gigantic rocks like you have never seen before! I nudged up against one, and it started to move toward a shady spot under a rock. There, under a little tree, we saw all colors of lichens growing on the bald rock. When I touched one, it felt rough. I decided to take a picture.
128	I Need to Take a Trip !	betty	Done	22	4/16/2015
But that's OK, because I'd spent the last 10 years slowly building up resistance to arsenic.
127	Bonnie's New Tutoring Job	bonnie	Done	27	4/16/2015
I just love kids and love teaching them how to get everything organized for the next day. First, you have to be sure the correct worksheets are in each cubby hole with the kid's name labeled above.
126	Getting Ready for New Year's Eve	betty	Done	22	2/18/2015
It's Regular Ordinary Swedish meal time flies when you're having fun! Or as the famous Latin phrase puts it: " Carpe Noctem !" So we worked through the night putting the final touches on the family portrait.
125	New Year's Resolutions	bonnie	Done	22	12/24/2014
And Colleen's kick-yo-ass hot sauce! Maybe then it will be easier to accomplish.The first rule of making a good resolution is to make it specific. For example, don't just say that you're going to lose weight. Say you're going to take a trip around the world !!
124	Get Those Presents Wrapped !	betty	Done	22	12/24/2014
Or was it maple syrup? Regardless, I put it on the plate with the other desserts next to the Christmas tree.
123	We Need a Plumber !	betty	Done	22	12/12/2014
It's okay to rent those because they disinfect them with a substance called Liquid Nails which I bought online from a company named Tethys, after the Titaness of fresh water."
122	Christmas Decorations	bonnie	Done	22	12/12/2014
For a festive holiday fragrance, try cinnamon or balsam, but my favorite choice would definitely be soft amber lighting accented with rhinestones and gold leaf.
121	I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!	betty	Done	21	11/28/2014
The stench was unbearable and permeated every corner of the room. We needed a room freshener bad !! So I sprayed the room with a can of Whoop-Ass! When everyone saw me opening it, they knew they were in dire straits when they entered the cave and deep within they saw a tumor!
120	The Great Beyond	xander	Done	21	9/21/2014
Each person has to pick which future century they want and they can also pick out what kind of simulation they wanted to be in during the operation. It was a long, intense process to add cybernetic enhancements to a super-soldier; one that would begin to wear on the subject's consciousness if left dormant.
119	Summer	bonnie	Done	20	9/21/2014
My wife insisted I was being paranoid, but I had to be absolutely certain that the air conditioner would never break down again.
118	Best Video Game of the Year !	betty	Done	22	8/15/2014
After I downloaded it, the opening scene seemed to be set in the mouth of a cave. there is a grand expanse of purple mountains, faraway blue lakes, and a great number of reddish-orange Doritos.
117	The best movie EVER!!!	colleen	Done	21	7/18/2014
He just disappeared! Maybe he went into the 3D theater by mistake. If he did, and he doesn't realize he doesn't have his polarizing glasses on, he's in for a headache. A bad one.
116	What I Saw When I Took A Walk II	greg	Done	23	5/28/2014
It dumped them in a pile next to the open manhole which smelled horribly lurked a grungy damp IRS agent. he mumbled, with that repulsive but unplaceable accent of his, and his breath reeking of sponge cake soaked with nervous sweat.
115	You know...	bonnie	Done	23	11/10/2013
I LOVE IT! It smells like victory and then, when you least expect to find roly poly bugs in the flower pots. One must get rid of them by voting for the Republican candidate!
114	Whatever is on your mind !	betty	Done	24	10/27/2013
Yo, I couldn't wait to get home to play Ice Cream Tycoon! I pulled into the driveway, and in the moonlight I saw something shiny half-buried in leaves.
113	Nursery Rhyme	greg	Done	22	10/24/2013
HAHAHA!! There may be more to eat than even all the king's men can handle. We'll have to get the horses in on it too. They will no doubt go to the beach on the next sunny day and find oodles of candy to give to all the party guests!
112	Global Warming !	betty	Done	26	8/19/2013
Al Gore was busy writing his next speech to present before the exclusive group of European citizens would be allowed onto the Space Ark.
110	Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !	betty	Done	22	4/19/2013
The car had broke down and I didn't have enough money for bus fare. I maybe had enough to get by without doing laundry. With that load off my mind, I turned my attention to the Mack truck that was barreling down the road, straight towards me!
109	Thanksgiving	bonnie	Done	19	12/19/2012
I didn't have time now to baste the turkey. Drat! I just turned it over and dabbed on plenty of makeup before leaving the house. "You look like a street walker!" I exclaimed. "You go to Dollar General to find a knife sharpener but instead you come home with a large group of hungry friends and acquaintances!
108	I Blew Up My Lab!	greg	Done	21	10/26/2012
Or sarsaparilla. Grenadine! Straight from the can! Deee-licious! Now I am going to mix it all up in my new blender. Ooops! I forgot to put on the lid! All across the walls and floor were diplomas, certificates, degrees, and other accolades from a variety of prestigious institutes of learning and experimentation.
107	Christmas Shopping III	betty	Done	21	2/11/2012
The darkness was so complete it was like a solid thing--a suffocating blanket of oblivion that clung to our faces and enveloped us in its lifeless embrace. After 30 seconds (which seems like an eternity, given that we could still hear it breathing), we finally found our car in the parking lot after looking for 2 hours !!
106	Let's Organize Your Garage !	betty	Done	22	7/25/2011
This is the way to do it: First, stack up the ammo boxes you have scattered all over the floor. How can you expect to be able to deal with the revenooers properly if all your ordnance is in such slaphappy disorder? Put them back into the empty egg cartons where they will be safe.
105	Christmas Shopping II	greg	Done	21	2/24/2011
"I don't want the malls to close until midnight! Because then I will have time to start shopping for Groundhog Day!!!!!!!!!!" I retorted. "I don't want the malls to close until midnight!
103	Zombie Attack!	greg	Done	22	6/10/2010
We'll marinate them in 4 ounces of gooey, green, groddy BRAINS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But by that point there must have been at least 1,000 zombies!
102	The Art of Decluttering	betty	Done	21	8/4/2009
Then out of nowhere we saw The Fly Lady! She buzzed right in with a big flyswatter and started swatting us on the behind. Clearly she wasn't sure what to throw away and what to keep.
101	The hathood of the traveling brown hat.	rhonda	Done	21	3/20/2009
It was then we realized our next stop had to be a chinese restaurant. because big drops of sweat were pouring down my face. It was just so hot that I had to grab the hat and hurl it into a guy's open car window as I shot past him on the interstate.
100	The Nephews come to Visit	greg	Done	22	12/9/2008
When we were finished we must have totaled at least 1000 kills in the 3 hours we spend running through the sewers. We also went from level 1 to level the concrete slab so that the new gazebo would not be crooked. It was a backbreaking job, so we took a break so that we could go to Chuck E.
99	Laser Eye Surgery	greg	Done	20	10/3/2008
Despite the title, the album doesn't have anything to do with eyes or vision, unlike another one of Michael's albums, titled "Visions of broken blood veins and serrated mucous membranes." Then the doctor stood back in amazement, and with great feeling he said, "
98	Abiathar the Superhero!	greg	Done	21	4/27/2007
That ploy would never work, because a hero gets tired of going to the hospital over and over! Abiathar needs Artorios's help. So Abiathar asked him to pass the potatoes. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we do some serious bashing!
97	My New Video Game!	betty	Done	21	3/13/2007
You could reload, jump to your feet, and with all my new armor I would be invincible! The bronze cuirass, the ebony greaves, and the helmet that was made out of nuclear waste collected from sea to shining sea. Yes, everyone is America is playing my new video game. I'm gonna be rich!
96	Fixing up my Garden	greg	Done	22	1/29/2007
They were 30 feet tall, 2 feet wide, and frankly they stink and I don't want them in my garden anymore. Away with you! Last summer I had installed the hammock between two pillars made of marble. They were 30 feet tall, 2 feet wide, and frankly they stink and I don't want them in my garden anymore.
95	Rearranging My New Tech Room	betty	Done	22	1/31/2007
I was way too busy to mess with them. that every day I need to load Oblivion and do some more killin'. More killin' means more XP and loot, which I'll need in order to keep the cats off the floor I built a neat wooden dining table complete with a covering of Chee-tohs dust.
94	Speeding Down the Highway	betty	Done	21	12/4/2006
Then she pushed me down onto a bench, and she said in a very loud voice, " Do! A deer! A female deer! Re! A golden drop of perspiration gently made a rivulet down my forehead and off the tip of my spoiler!
93	Having Surgery	greg	Done	20	12/1/2006
He paused, and then continued: " I want every intern to pay attention here. Watch me make this incision, and I don't want anybody to cry when I'm gone. I've lived a long, full life and don't have any regrets.
92	Accountant at Work	greg	Done	21	4/1/2006
I ain't had nuthin' to eat but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days! Why can't we have more toilet paper in here? Those rolls go down in a hurry, especially when all the managers flock around me like buzzards!
91	What I Saw When I Took a Walk	betty	Done	21	3/31/2006
This went on until I thought my throat would explode, when suddenly out of a ditch slithered a gigantic, slobbering, museum-class specimen of a loogie, frozen in amber, with bacteria in suspended animation that could be removed by meticulously scraping with a very sharp knife, and then following up with a gentle rub with a thin layer of butter, then I put some cinnamon-sugar on it.
90	Learning a Foreign Language	greg	Done	22	2/4/2006
And I hope you have it, because it's important when traveling to be able to drink hot tea with the little finger in the air.
89	Putting out Christmas Lights	betty	Done	21	2/3/2006
We put it in hyperdrive and watched with glee, when it started to spark and sizzle from all the electricity coursing through it. I could hear the whine of the power meter dials spinning.
88	Lazor Beam Hydra	greg	Done	22	12/16/2005
In fact, it actually smelled like fertilizor! Confused, I said, " Please don't eat me! I promise to stay out of your way, and believe me, you'll never know that I used a degreazor!
87	Concert at Chrysler Hall	betty	Done	21	12/14/2005
But it was worth it, because life isn't measured in how many breaths you take, but in how many moments like these, I lift up a song, I lift up a love song, to Jesus!
86	Touring Europe	bonnie	Done	21	12/13/2005
I pulled my beret lower over my fear of crashing. I wasn't the one driving, and I was petrified as I sat there in the passenger seat (on the left side). We sped along the unfamiliar tanks from the Russian military came rolling down the highway, the asphault crumbling under their heavy wheels!
85	Christmas Shopping	betty	Done	22	12/1/2005
He smiled, sat down and boo-hooed right there in the mall. What else could happen?!!
84	Working at McDonald's	greg	Done	21	12/1/2005
"Those are out of circulation!" Bill exclaimed. the customer replied smugly. "It's legal tender. See? It says right here: "This product may contain peanuts and for those persons with allergies, it may cause severe difficulty in operating a vehicle or other heavy equipment!"
83	Trip to the Pumpkin Patch	sherry	Done	22	11/7/2005
Cool weather, piles of leaves, hay rides and finding the perfect pumpkin! What could be better? Our annual trek to the pumpkin patch had finally arrived and I was going to check out the gift shop. Meanwhile, the rest of the group went to the raspberry patch and had a raspberry war!!
82	test2	greg	Done	24	9/16/2015
There's no title, no subject...How would I begin to know what you mean? I think you should take a break now in order to crush those who oppose us."
81	Going Into Space II	greg	Done	21	10/28/2005
One never knows what will happen if you transpose the warp stream with the antimatter containment field, you will surely lose your breakfast in a hurry, unless you made sure first that you fasten your helmet securely, fasten your oxygen hose, and secure you must be, and I the all-wise one, tell you I will, that you really had better know what you're doing by now!
80	Taking Computer Class	betty	Done	20	10/27/2005
We all had a big laugh. But the truth was hard to swallow; in fact I was so overwhelmed, that I had to make the computer do what the teacher wanted it to do! I couldn't believe it! What a easy test this was! I had learned this stuff in high school. I breezed through the first half, and then my heart sank as the teacher chided loudly, "NO, NO, NO...you're doing it wrong!"
79	Cooking Show II	greg	Done	21	9/27/2005
"Eww!" I exclaimed. "Truffles smell like sweaty gym socks. They also will alleviate constipation, especially for people who eat a lot of pasta!
78	Potty Training the Twins	betty	Done	21	9/24/2005
We put them in the bathtub because it's just easier to wipe two bottoms at the same time. To do this, you just need a lot of patience. One day at a time, we worked at moving the vast quantities of toddler turds out of the house.
77	Noisy Neighbors	bonnie	Done	21	9/23/2005
They aren't just noisy, they are very dirty people too! I just hate having to pick up all their 10-pound weights on the floor.
76	Driving Across Country	betty	Done	22	9/16/2005
As if on cue, the voice of Jackie Gleason could be heard exclaiming, "You're going too fast!" But think about it, how are you going to avoid that big traffic jam up ahead?
75	NASCAR Days	greg	Done	21	9/9/2005
The pavement started to get sticky, and that made the tires start to melt. I panicked at first until I learned my suit was really fireproof. Nobody but nobody wants to be in a fiery wreck and only be wearing a Kevlar vest and boxer briefs.
74	Conserving Water	bonnie	Done	22	9/9/2005
Mmm... What! It's a mirage! It's actually a water-saving toilet, and it cost much more than I could afford. In fact it cost a dollar.
73	The Best Diet Ever!	sherry	Done	21	8/31/2005
and 250 lbs, could best be described as high fat, high sodium, and high sugar. Could this be a misprint?!!
72	What a Yard Sale!	betty	Done	20	8/23/2005
We had the yard sale near an active volcano and called it a firesale. So when we advertised it, we exaggerated a little bit to get more people to show up. It really worked, because when we woke up and looked out the window, we saw at least 100 people waiting for us to start setting up! When I opened the can of worms it really did turn out to be a can of rattlesnake eggs.
71	Test Pilot	greg	Done	21	8/17/2005
and take off my lucky socks. I didn't need them today--I felt like I could take on the world! And I didn't need a stupid navigator to tell me where we were. I knew perfectly well that we were over the coldest part of a TV dinner when you get it out of the microwave is always the center part.
70	A Day in the Life of a Dork	sherry	Done	21	8/14/2005
"I'm only doing that today," he answered, "tomorrow I'm going to upgrade my PDA to have 256 MB of RAM! she said, "I just can't relax unless I know that you have other clothes to wear besides one bearing logos and movie quips from Star Wars, Star Trek, Tron and Hackers, I'll never go out with you!"
69	Time for a Checkup!	bonnie	Done	21	8/3/2005
Your choice." But that's OK-- we can replace it with saline, or I can tell you about our latest experiment: something we've been growing in the lab. Your choice." I knew I had to get out of there, and the only way to do it was to amputate from above the knee.
68	Building My New Cat Condo	betty	Done	21	7/10/2005
And to take pictures of the project from start to finish, I bought a disposable cardboard toilet paper roll. (Hey, I was in a hurry!) Besides, it only cost 89 cents. And I had a coupon for $1 off so he had to give me 11 cents back.
67	Putting Up Wallpaper	greg	Done	21	6/12/2005
I was going to need a lot more spit to get this job done. As I prepared the next strip, I suddenly has the urge to pee. But the toilet had been removed! So I went upstairs and screamed to let out the frustration.
66	My Newest Home Improvement Project!	betty	Done	20	5/17/2005
As we've found out, it's well worth the expense in order to avoid the old nests of mice and rats between the walls, we decided to install a urinal in every bathroom! Well, I did, anyway. She thought that the circular saw would be perfect to slice the ham and salami for our lunch that day - can you believe that?"
65	Phone Call	bonnie	Done	21	5/9/2005
Don't hang up! I want to be sure I got it. Just hold on a second while I answer my cell phone........oh, and now there goes my beeper! well, you know the rest of the neighborhood will shortly know all about it if you tell her.
64	Airline Pilot	greg	Done	21	4/23/2005
I better get my head on straight because I have to be able to see out the cockpit window. Just give me a second. and see right before our eyes the ground rushing up toward us! No time to lose; the passengers were eating up all the pretzels!
63	I'm Not In It For The...	bonnie	Done	21	4/6/2005
Others glory in it, and freely share their personal joys. For example, while having fries at the fast food restaurant, I might lean over to my friend and share this insight about myself: "I'm not in it for the fries, I'm in it for the KETCHUP!" Or while ordering a big ice cream sundae, someone might conspiratorially inform the person making it, "I'm not in it for the ice cream, I'm in it for the fame!
62	Hosting a Cooking Show	betty	Done	21	4/12/2005
Got your expensive Ginsu knives?? Great. Take them out and smile with satisfaction at that golden-brown glazed finish! Next, add 12 ounces of diced beef. For this I prefer to use a non-stick pan, as opposed to a stick pan.
61	Ain't It Cool?	greg	Done	22	4/7/2005
Uncomfortable at best, and at worst, my underwear felt 2 sizes too small. I could never go through the whole day like this! So I headed for the rodeo. I got my gloves, my chaps, and of course my hat. That hat and me go way back. Why, I remember when 8-tracks were giving way to audio cassettes!
60	Competing with Starbuck's	bonnie	Done	21	4/2/2005
He, with furrowed brow, and she, petulant, continued to argue over which was the best sweetener. He liked good ol' cane sugar, while she preferred tea to coffee, it was good to try something new for a change, so she ordered a lemon cookie with her tea.
59	My First Ocean Cruise	betty	Done	21	3/28/2005
He laughed and exclaimed, "I'm turning this sucker into a waterside museum! Ha! Ha! Ha!" I could have told you he was crazy, and everyone would have agreed with me, but still, no one could believe what he did next: he set the throttle to flank speed, and ran the ship aground, right in the middle of the beach!
58	Captain Underpants	greg	Done	21	3/23/2005
The wrecked semi was blocking traffic. "Quick! You stop traffic while I wash this man's windshield! He will surely reward me with a big wad of toilet paper stuck in my butt, I look just like a bunny rabbit! Hop, hop, hop!" He giggled, as he flushed my goldfish down the toilet.
57	New Year's Resolutions!	bonnie	Done	21	3/18/2005
She just couldn't understand why anyone would resolve not to exercise. I mean what are we here for?
56	Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon	betty	Done	21	3/13/2005
It's all about finding the sources of disposable cellphones. See, in the future, so many people had been using disposable cellphones that the landfills were overflowing with them and people were dying in disposable cellphone avalanches.
55	Spy Base Alpha	greg	Done	21	3/8/2005
Tense, shrill voices, eyes bugging out, people running too and fro trying hard to see the meteor shower. It was so beautiful and from outer space it looked even more chaotic.
54	Texas Winter	bonnie	Done	20	3/3/2005
We get there by 9am, but have to leave before the sun starts to shine again. Blistering hot rays beating down upon us, we began to feel dizzy, so someone suggested we should go sit down in the shade.
53	Christmas Shopping - 2004	betty	Done	20	2/26/2005
We knew we had to max out our credit cards immediately. That would not be too hard, since I'd already decided what to get for everyone. So I got out my list and crossed everything off. "Everyone's getting Jolly Ranchers this year!" I laughed maniacally as I headed for Costco and their 750-count, 10 pound bag.
52	Modeling Agency	greg	Done	21	2/21/2005
When we look into the mirrors, we want to see a little more attitude. Show me that anorexic girl who came in a while ago. She has the look we want. She must weigh close to 350 pounds. But that's OK. that's right... Perfect!
51	All I Need Is...	bonnie	Done	21	2/16/2005
I would rather have a deadly attack robot! It would have to be at least 8 feet tall and 4 feet wide. And that is hard to find. To see a good selection I think I will have to go to the baths, and have a good soak. After that I should feel really blessed and just happy to be alive.
50	My Summer at the Archeological Dig	betty	Done	21	2/11/2005
Nonchalantly, I disassembled the fallacious evolution display with a sledgehammer. Then I took it and gingerly brushed away the centuries of dust to discover that there in my own hand I held the actual genuine ignition key that went to the landscaper's riding lawnmower.
49	Shopping at Lowe's	greg	Done	20	2/6/2005
Actually, you may need TWO carts! In fact, you may find that the selection of 2x4s has way too many knots in it.
48	Anorexia Therapy	bonnie	Done	21	2/1/2005
That will add good protein without making you feel overfull. Eat quickly, and that saltine cracker will be gone before you know it.
47	Building My New House!	betty	Done	23	1/27/2005
should certainly qualify me to start my new house! I had already drawn the plans which would include 2, maybe 3 banks of cannons to blow away looters, marauders, and other human filth that would start roaming the streets if Kerry was elected president.
46	Ultimate Ninja II	greg	Done	21	1/22/2005
"For great justice!" I cried, and "All your base are belong to us!" Then I jumped over the wall and into the swirling vortex of fear! Countering the attack with another new move, the hovering spinning high kick, he propelled his opponent across the room flew a whirling bat ninja right at me.
45	Election Day!	betty	Done	21	1/17/2005
And early in the morning, all across the country, the vote counters were ready for the squads of illegal immigrants and communists to descend upon the voting booths, there to wipe down all surfaces with antibacterial scrub.
44	A Day in the Life of...	bonnie	Done	20	1/12/2005
The rain of the night before had stranded several earthworms on the sidewalk! We got right to work cleaning our whiskers after eating all those fish heads. Wow-Meow! Were they delicious! Now I just want to lie down in the sun and dream about life beyond these four gray walls.
43	High School Carwash	greg	Done	20	1/7/2005
Go back! Go back!!" and waved the water hose in a circle over his head, splashing water on everyone nearby, including customers, classmates, and the whole board of supervisors joined in to hold hands, circle around, and sang Ring Around the Rosy.
42	Pushed Over the Edge	bonnie	Done	21	1/2/2005
Then he stuck a fork in an electrical outlet. This caused him to emit a strange growl-like sound from the base of his throat. Disturbed, I asked him, " What blood type are you? You know I think I can analyze your problem. Can you give me a sample of your artwork.
41	Cleaning Out the Garage	betty	Done	21	12/28/2004
I'll just put this Dr. Enuf into the freezer to get cold. It will really taste good with a piece of moldy bread!" Who knows how long that had been there! "That's disgusting!" I said. "We're going to need some industrial-strength cleaner! Russell used some when he worked at Busch; let's call him."
40	HULK SMASH!	greg	Done	20	12/23/2004
Me go the wrong way on a one-way street. Me knock you into the middle of the walls of the building across the alleyway!" Luckily no one was eating at the time. The smell was horrific. Everyone made a dive for the only door. Unfortunately in their path was a deep hole from where the truck had landed.
39	Joining the PTA	bonnie	Done	20	12/18/2004
What's going on? Is this some kind of sales pitch?!! To answer my question, around the corner came a flaming homosexual!
38	Going to the County Fair	betty	Done	20	12/13/2004
How it gleamed in the mid-afternoon light. Mesmerized, I reached out to touch it. "NINJA!" Startled, I turned around to see a Ferris wheel toppling over, about to smash dozens of people into tiny bits!
37	News at 11	greg	Done	20	12/8/2004
Thus Spoke Zoroaster", from "2001: A Space Odyssey". And then, it was time for an ad. A man appeared holding a microphone in the face of John Kerry so close that his nose was almost all the way to the back of his head! "Who did this to you?" They asked. "NINJA!" He yelled "Stop the presses!
36	Investigating Vegetarianism	bonnie	Done	21	12/3/2004
It's been 4 stinkin' decades since we had meats! We don't need meats; we need only add a little herbs and spices, and no one will ever guess. This meal should keep the average person satisfied for thirty seconds. Oooh! But don't worry. Here comes the bacon cheeseburger cart.
35	Boppy's Trip to Texas	betty	Done	21	11/28/2004
Ah what sounds of San Antonio-- together with the unforgettable smell of refried beans, tortillas and salsa! That was Boppy's favorite Texas memory! That, and spending an afternoon with President Bush at his ranch. He showed her how to bring down a runaway calf and hogtie 'em.
34	Dance Class	bonnie	Done	21	11/23/2004
We could only watch in amazement, envying her strength and grace. "How beautiful are the deep pools of blue that are your eyes.
33	The Minotaur King	greg	Done	21	11/18/2004
I grumbled as I tried my best not to throw up. It wasn't easy I can tell you. I pursed my lips and grimaced and I then proceeded to back up.
32	The Bizarre Bazaar	bonnie	Done	20	11/13/2004
At a nearby table, I saw a bright red hula hoop left over from the 50's. What a find! I grabbed it quickly because I wanted to add it to my collection. I tried it out too. While I was whirling it around my waist, I started to feel nostalgia for the carefree days of my youth, once so far away, but now closer for seeing the whole collection of Scooby Doos all in one place was amazing!
31	My Trip Around the World	betty	Done	21	11/8/2004
Good thing we are going by helicopter, because it would take too long to travel in a hot-air balloon, of course!
30	Downtown Precinct	greg	Done	22	11/3/2004
But first give me that first phone call, because I am going to call my partner. I have a joke to tell him. Did you hear the one about the two atoms walking along?
29	Growing Up on a Farm	betty	Done	21	10/29/2004
He does that whenever the pigs and hogs won't share their slop. What a mess they make! Well, here's another bucket of swill for them...Splash! And I think I will also add some corn to the pig's food.
28	The Dinosaur World	bonnie	Done	21	10/24/2004
This did not bode well. The sun was sinking fast and we were running out of battery power. Soon it would be dark and we would be in the dark with no flashlights. It was getting scarier by the minute, so we decided to resign ourselves to our fate. Surrounded, it was only a matter of time before we got turned into dino-hors d'ouevres.
27	Gardening with Betty	greg	Done	20	10/19/2004
And it's so strong that if it eats a bomb, it won't get killed! And if you shoot it with bullets, it will die. Let me demonstrate. (Blam! Blam! Blam!) Oops, that was Roger and June's night light! Oh well, moving right along, discarding a few weeds here, a few dead leaves there, soon your garden will look like crap.
26	On the Open Road	bonnie	Done	21	10/14/2004
But all of a sudden there was a big pop, a spluttering, and the sound of an army of motorcycle with the mufflers removed. "What?!" she shouted. "I can't hear you!" He couldn't hear her, either, but he knew she was talking because her lips were moving. But he could not hear her! Weird! He must have deafened himself with the loud engines he was working on.
25	The International Village	bonnie	Done	21	10/9/2004
We can just hold our breath. they jumped into the car and drove to the museum. They were so excited to see a dinosaur in the museum! Even though it was just the skeleton, somebody was scared.
24	Weekend in Paris	greg	Done	21	10/4/2004
Where's that music coming from? It seems to be all around us!" She was right; the very air seems to be immersed in vaporized perfume.
23	Xander Goes Shopping	betty	Done	22	9/29/2004
The play dough looked nice and squishy and came in lots of colors. Each bag weighed half an ounce, so we were able to stuff a great many of them in Xander's backpack before he started complaining.
22	Fart Dictionary	bonnie	Done	21	9/24/2004
Maybe it's to interrupt conversations with long drawn-own guttural (Yeah from the gut to be sure!) sounds that brought with them whisps of sickening smells that were sure to make even a strong man wilt like a flower that's been in the sun too long. Everyone would be like, "
21	Boot Camp	greg	Done	21	9/19/2004
Needless to say, we were pretty exhausted, and ready for a break. We cautiously asked the drill sargeant if he would let us have some more corned beef hash before we had to do another 100 push-ups. But nooooo, we did more push-ups and then it was time to go to the mess hall.
20	Good Old Pop's Drive-in	betty	Done	21	9/14/2004
They were such a happy bunch! So happy that they cheered, in chorus, "GROUP HUG!" And enthusiastically reached all around each other, jumping up and down and laughing. His anger turned to confusion. There was no escape. The joyful ringing of their laughter reached all the way to Route 17.
19	Going Back to College	betty	Done	21	9/9/2004
Terrorists are threatening to destroy the entire campus!!" I couldn't believe it. All I could do was look around in amazement.
18	If You Give a Mouse a Cookie	bonnie	Done	21	9/4/2004
I mean, these rodents were organized. They were always one step ahead of us, always anticipating a gourmet delight, complete with linen napkin, real silverware, sparkling crystal goblets, and soft relaxing heavy metal music.
17	Our Summer Vacation	betty	Done	21	8/30/2004
But since I was in a Hummer, i just kind of rolled over him and kept on going."
16	Trapped in a Mine	greg	Done	21	8/25/2004
And this chair. And that's ALL I NEED. And this dead battery. And this rock. And this lawn chair. And that's ALL I NEED!" People began to stare at him because he had a pale green luminescence about him.
14	Our Visit to the Library	bonnie	Done	21	8/15/2004
"It's just a joke!" But it didn't matter. Everyone brought their posters for the big Super Readout Day. And they set up a display on the lawn outside the library. But the weather report was not so good, so when they looked up into the sky they saw not only the police helicopters arriving in the distance as reinforcements, but also the vultures had already started circling.
13	Stress Reduction Techniques	bonnie	Done	23	8/10/2004
Yeah, just go sit on the pot and relax. Ha ha Then you can tell us all about it: why do you have the irrepressible need to straighten out the tassels at the ends of an area rug?" "I can't help it," Bonnie said, "Every time I see one, it makes me want to cry.
12	My New Job at Burger King	betty	Done	20	8/5/2004
All the customers just love the big hot greasy patties served with generous chunks of meat. What kind of meat? No one knew! It was stored in the ice cabinet marked "meat", right next to the fry basket in hot oil!
11	Cooking with Grandma	betty	Done	22	7/31/2004
Come and sample some of these fresh-baked biscuits with homemade apple butter and freshly churned butter. You cannot beat the taste! Eating these every day will make you feel like a million bucks! This will pep you up: a nice hot cup of hot tea! What in the world else would a Grandma have at the end of a long day........or at the beginning of a short one?!
10	Ultimate Ninja	greg	Done	22	7/26/2004
He stood his ground and watched the arch enemy spin and shrivel, whirling ever faster, ever smaller, energy bursts zinging out into the air until all the life force and all the mass had moved to the back of his neck.
8	Wall Street Blues	greg	Done	22	7/16/2004
Whatever you choose you must be willing to keep what you buy for at least a decade. Greg couldn't believe his jail sentence would be that long, but considering the number of his convictions, he knew he had jail time ahead.
7	Going into Space	betty	Done	21	7/11/2004
We were really really going! Who would have believed that we, untrained as astronauts, could really take a trip to the hobby store, to see what the biggest rocket motor available was.
5	Ye Olde Medieval Days	betty	Done	21	7/1/2004
As he drew nearer he saw to his horror, the king had been slain by a pack of eldritch blagglecruncheons!
4	Barrister the Lawyer Cat	betty	Done	21	6/26/2004
Miss Na Tasha was into heavy spitting, and Barrister had to resort to using a bowl of Grape-Nuts for a litterbox.
3	The Big Conundrum	betty	Done	21	6/21/2004
Yeeha! We graduated! Finally, they spilled out into the aisles of the auditorium and all threw their hats into the air. Yeeha! We graduated! Everyone stood in fearful amazement wondering if they would be doomed to live the rest of their lives up in branches of this oak tree.
2	Woo baby!	greg	Done	21	6/16/2004
His Dodge Viper showed no signs of complaint, as it began to thunder and rain heavily; so much so that the roof began to lift off from the extreme high pressure inside the house.
1	Big Computer	greg	Done	18	6/11/2004
In fact, he still had enough time to play another game of Warlords Battlecry. Being only 10 battles away from finishing another campaign, he was anxious to see which orb he would get next.