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Story IDTitleCreatorStatusNum EntriesDate Finished
174  Springtime in VirginiabettyDone2212/27/2022
    I leaned back in my chair and considered the question I had posed to myself. Was I even hungry? And was breakfast the appropriate meal for this time?
173  Daylight Saving Time !bettyDone234/21/2021
    I looked around but didn't see anyone. I put the menu down slowly, got up and stepped outside into the glorious sunshine! So we went to the airport and ironically, we were all so hungry we didn't care what we ate, so on the menu was was a Post-it note with the terse message: "OUTSIDE NOW".
172  A Winter Day in the WildernessbonnieDone222/15/2021
    he screamed. "Get out of the way of that rapidly moving ice stor' Have you no sense??" We then proceeded to wend our way through Wendy's, admiring everyone's entree as we approached the front counter.
171  Oh, the weather outside is frightful...bettyDone2212/31/2020
    By that point I could have eaten a proper meal, but I couldn't be picky; I was starving!
170  The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!bettyDone231/13/2020
    Let's quit beating around the bush here, we're all hungry. I don't care how many steps on the recipe are left, I'm wasting away here. Now please, would you pass the TV remote control?
169  A Breath of Fresh AirbonnieDone2211/15/2019
     It seemed to be working until he made a sudden move and it rapidly destabilized. The reaction spiralled our of control, detonating in a colorful blossom of chemical energy.
168  Toiling at 3 a.m.bettyDone2210/13/2019
    We steeled our resolve and And? And? And? sometimes I want to hug somebody. It would have been a terrifying sound at any time, but hearing at 3am was the worst.
167  The Reckoning of the KiwisxanderDone227/28/2019
    Suddenly, from the dark, something caught their attention. Glittering like a jewel, the stream disappeared into the woods to their left. Crouching down to drink, they discovered that the radiation coming from the ocean was off the charts. Something massive and unprecedented was stirring beneath the surface, and it was probably angry.
166  Somebody's Gotta Do It !bettyDone227/8/2019
     I pulled back the lid and the smell was questionable, like peanut butter mixed with half and half and a dollop of warm heavy cream.
165  I love Thunderstorms !bettyDone216/10/2019
    True to his word, he pulled a variety of gourmet chocolates from his pocket and unwrapped one, eating it in a single bite.
164  Wrapping those Christmas Presents !bettyDone231/9/2019
    The jig was up, mate! We confronted him with rolls of ribbon, sheaths of tissue paper, and a carton of ribbons.
163  Let's Set Fire to the WoodsxanderDone2112/7/2018
    For good measure he also grabbed a can of whoopass should do the tric' Nevertheless, let us with all due diligence seek to find a pool of water or a stream or something to put the fire out! Frantically, I ran, crashing through the woods. Countless branches were scraping me, leaving thin, red trails across my arms and face.
162  Some Kind of AdventurexanderDone239/10/2018
     We stood there, looking at it, hesitating, until we decided to take a little bite. What a strange taste, like nothing we had ever had before.
161  That Garage !bettyDone228/9/2018
     Well you have to start somewher' Why not start in this corner where there is an unnecessary collection of used tissues. I couldn't discard them, because what if the Illuminati found them and extracted my DNA from the snot?
160  I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?bettyDone248/3/2018
     There's something to be said for being out in the sunshine and fresh air, so maybe I should think about wearing rubber gloves when I am washing the dishes at Jim's. After all I don't want hands that look like a pair of sunglasses!
159  A large, healthy tuft of stump grassbonnieDone227/18/2018
    Even worse, deflated balloons were starting to droop into it, getting sticky, like ponderous, buoyant doughnuts glazing themselves.
158  Cleaning up after Milo the MousebettyDone217/11/2018
    How could they all possibly fit in the cabinet under Boppy's sink? "There's one way," Greg said as he walked in with crowbar the size of his arm.
157  Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA CampusbettyDone227/6/2017
    So a crew of many students vigorously applied their muscle power and with great success, they snapped the toothpick in half.
156  San Antonio VacationgregDone225/27/2017
    I mumbled as I walked back to my motorcycle. "Might as well try to make some money out of this mess," I mumbled as I walked back to my motorcycle. So instead I placed a couple business cards. "Might as well try to make some money out of this mess,"
155  Will That Snow Ever Melt? !bettyDone212/5/2017
     I get instead a blast of the past. It's 80s music everywhere! It reminds of all the times that I ever wanted more in my whole life. Surely someone would figure out that what I really wanted was a simple joy. And isn't that part of the fabric of life? Letting yourself just enjoy all the simple things is life are so valuable.
154  Different Pizza ToppingsgregDone211/11/2017
     The cheese should go on first, though. If you put the cheese on last, the vegetables will get sour and moldy if you leave them out of the frig too long. Why don't you decide what you are going to do with them?
153  But I don't want to!bonnieDone2011/13/2016
    BUT I DON'T WANT TO!!!" No one could argue with that. They all leaned way back in their easy chairs and took a nap! Pulling one of them loose, I yelled, "
152  We Need More Enthusiasm !bettyDone2210/16/2016
     Maybe some hopeful whiners and a few frowning judges. It's always a boost to the self-confidence when the person in charge starts ranting and raving, maybe someone needs to pour on his head a bucket of vomit! It was from the party last night!
151  Xander's New Dorm RoombonnieDone219/9/2016
    But he ran out of that, too, and didn't have any more newspapers to soupify to make more, so he started tearing pages of his roommate's textbook. The title of it was How to Win at Minecraft! Bonus! came over and saw the title, He exclaimed, "
150  Trying to Keep Cool !bettyDone228/20/2016
    That is, until the water hose sprang a leak! In fact,it was full of pin holes, or should I say teeth marks! The holes were obviously caused by a hailstorm. Serendipity! We collected the balls of ice and used them to rub the backs of the necks of the people who had passed out from the heat.
149  The Stump VinebonnieDone214/26/2016
    Besides the regular beef and pepperoni topping, I also had too many solar lights in the yard. A neighbor said I was using up too much sunshine. Irritated, I told her to quit telling me that the Stump Vine exists. "It's not real!" I shouted.
148  LaundrycolleenDone204/2/2016
    Your dearest wish come true." Oh! Well, in that case, we should string up some clothesline in the back yard. One end we could wrap around the big pine tree, and the other end we could tie to the neck of an ISIS terrorist! Hahaha! Actually, I meant the the white clothes should be separated from the red, but I forgot and washed them together!
147  It's snowing!!!colleenDone292/22/2016
    What a day we had!! But Winter is almost over!! In just a few days, we went home. So, all's well that ends well, and we ate cake and pie. And I will build it out of lots of catnip and wine. What a day we had!! But Winter is almost over!!
145  Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!bettyDone212/5/2016
    Remember it gets cold on the plane, so you would probably need to holster it." With that, he turned on his heel and and phoned for the men in white to bring a strait jacket.
144  Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!colleenDone201/10/2016
     Twenty feet below, I could see the dim sparkle of my diamond watch which had slipped off my wrist. Now what?! I gingerly circumnavigated the sharp rocks and came upon an enormous double cheeseburger.
143  Resolutions for the New Year !bettyDone221/9/2016
    I think we should go to the Yoga studio and sign up for some classes. That should really help because my nose would not stop running.
142  Ordering Online Christmas Presents !bettyDone2112/14/2015
    It's like free money!! and who would that be? !! That would be SANTA!! The only one who delivers more Christmas presents than UPS! But you know he needs all the help he can get, and you can help by registering all your information on the website, so every time from then on you won't have to type in your office on your clicky-clacky IBM keyboard from 1981.
141  Dual CompostersgregDone2112/13/2015
    We started by putting in kitchen scraps. Over time, the bugs, the beetles, and the worms digested the compost, and quietly turned it into rich soil. People pay good money for manure and peat, so why not compost too? I decided to find out, so I set up a roadside stand at the end of our driveway, and started waving down every third driver in the Indy 500.
140  Deli BolognagregDone2211/28/2015
    Apparently someone doesn't know how to use a manual transmission. It's okay, though, they'll clean up the spill on aisle 4. Here comes the guy with the mop now !
139  Getting Ready for Fall !bettyDone2110/29/2015
    He was mad as hell, and wasn't going to take a long time to get through all that! So take a deep breath and enjoy the wonderful fall smell of burning leaves and the aromatic essence of powdered Dramamine, which helped keep my lunch down as the plane bounced and quivered its way to jump altitude.
138  SlatheragegregDone219/16/2015
    Slatherage was one tiny part of that process, on an album from a band that's now largely forgotten. The General gave the latest Newsboys album on Spotify a fair go and listened wistfully for several minutes before mumbling, "They don't sound Aussie at all.
137  Growing Those Tomatoes !bettyDone218/1/2015
    Angry and frustrated, I threw it into a tub of warm soapy water hoping I could soak out the blood.
136  Midnight snackcolleenDone216/11/2015
    You'll have to rely on supplements or special blended shakes fortified with lead?!?!?
135  That New Smart PhonebettyDone226/10/2015
     Yeah like that new Alpha Betty game, it is not exactly fun and reminds me of HAL, the creepy computer in that science fiction movie. Like the time when he says, "I'm sorry but your son-in-law has cancelled your phone service. We can start a new contract for you and bill it to the nearest patriarch."
134  NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THISgregDone246/3/2015
    Who thought this up anyway?? It must have been Mr. Carrington, the newspaper deliveryman! He was known for being obnoxious to the nth degree. Everyone was gathering into little groups to avoid talking to him.
133  Why me!?!!colleenDone236/3/2015
     The only drawback is that our refrigerator is on the blink and all the food is slowly spoiling. I wonder if Danny Speight would let us borrow his passes to attend a free movie at Regal Cinemas at Kiln Creek. The options were spaghetti and meatballs, lasagna, or rigatoni.
132  Backyard ProjectsbettyDone225/28/2015
     Posed as if they were going about their daily chores, the garden gnomes banded together and formed a labor union. they cried in unison. They then proceeded to knock over all my pink flamingoes in protest and put arsenic in the birdbath.
131  Cupcakes!colleenDone225/26/2015
     I had to have plenty of room to make the icing made with butter and powdered sugar. Into that, sprinkle some delicately iced with pastel swirls of curled ribbon. The most delicious part is the unique combination of chocolate chips, coconut, chopped pecans, and held together by welded high-gauge wire.
129  Climbing Enchanted RockbettyDone215/2/2015
    You have to be careful if you encounter one because You can't tell if it is going to bite you or try to hump you! Red clothes will set it off so, be sure to take the time to look around and enjoy the scenery.
128  I Need to Take a Trip !bettyDone224/16/2015
     If I tried to take a Koala cub home, I am sure the airport authorities would introduce me to Connor Trinneer, AKA Trip Tucker from Star Trek: Enterprise! I got my autograph book ready, and waited and waited and waited. I got so sleepy that I put my head on the edge of the elevator shaft.
127  Bonnie's New Tutoring JobbonnieDone274/16/2015
    Each person gets to pick a teacher to go home with.....we pick Miss Bonnie!
126  Getting Ready for New Year's EvebettyDone222/18/2015
    I got yer new year's resolution right here!!" I cackled as I popped the champagne bottle to test it. The cork went flying through the air and landed in the punch bowl! "Quick! Get that out of there before it explodes!
125  New Year's ResolutionsbonnieDone2212/24/2014
    And Colleen's kick-yo-ass hot sauce! Maybe then it will be easier to accomplish.The first rule of making a good resolution is to make it specific. For example, don't just say that you're going to lose weight. Say you're going to take a trip around the world !!
124  Get Those Presents Wrapped !bettyDone2212/24/2014
     Arrange them in a semi-circle under the Christmas tree, but make sure they are not near any pets. Now you are all set for a very Merry Christmas! Sit back, relax, and take a big sample of that egg nog !! I think we deserve it ! Regardless, I put it on the plate with the other desserts next to the Christmas tree.
123  We Need a Plumber !bettyDone2212/12/2014
     It has to be Vodka! Sweet lifeblood of our glorious mother country, it falls like water from the skies and collects in pools. Children from the nearby village came running, naked, to dive into a particularly deep collection of sweet, sweet, silvery alcohol.
122  Christmas DecorationsbonnieDone2212/12/2014
     That's great!" I said, " Now I know my electric bill will go up!" I was kidding of course, but I knew now the county would surely waive the rule about no inflatables taller than 40 feet!
121  I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!bettyDone2111/28/2014
    "That thing is enormous!" The doctor yelled. "We have to operate now! There's no time to climb down! Just jump! As soon as you get your balance, you can play Pac-Man with your feet ! Yes! It is possible and it will save your hands from getting that dreaded Ebola virus!
120  The Great BeyondxanderDone219/21/2014
    He then extemporaneously launched into song. he declared, "And it's dedicated to freezing peoples' brains so they can be revived at a later date.
119  Summer bonnieDone209/21/2014
    That will mean fewer times you have to refill the pitcher at your lemonade stand. Whereas you will always have to have a fresh supply of ice and a number of clean towels. Pack wisely, because the ants and mice can get into any little crevice to eat carefully prepared a series of dangerous, deadly traps leading up to my bathroom.
118  Best Video Game of the Year !bettyDone228/15/2014
    Then she thought to herself: "I sure do hope there aren't eggs in that cave over there." And with that, the screen went blank!! What the hell?!?!?! What a bad game ending!!! But what an awesome game. At least I was able to kill all the drop bears and goblins, well, sort of, I guess."
117  The best movie EVER!!!colleenDone217/18/2014
    They didn't realize that my excellent sense of hearing allowed me to pick up even the slightest nuance of sound, and my vivid imagination I never would have guessed she would DIE from it! I was so in shock from her death, I didn't see what happened to the usher who took us to our seats.
116  What I Saw When I Took A Walk IIgregDone235/28/2014
    Seconds ticked by, a minute...two minutes. It teetered in the breeze. Just when the tension was almost too much to bear, the elastic snapped in my sweat pants, and I had to quickly step up the pace.
115  You know...bonnieDone2311/10/2013
    A nice, hot cup of tea, flavored with garlic. I thought, "That doesn't sound good for breakfast." For breakfast I would rather have one bar of dark chocolate than ten bars of "The Star-Spangled Banner". Taking a deep breath, I pulled in my stomach, stood on my tip toes and dived into the warm swaying sandworms that erupted from the dunes of Arrakis.
114  Whatever is on your mind !bettyDone2410/27/2013
    But by the time you finish your last task, you have run out of time and lost all your money causing you to giggle with delight. You know it's the little things in life that really matter, so go ahead and get an associate's degree in plumbing. In will come in handy when you suddenly realize, "The whole time, I've been wondering which is better whole milk or 2%?
113  Nursery RhymegregDone2210/24/2013
    He gets into everything! One day he's building a house, the next day he's planting magic beans, the next thing you know he's carrying a pail of water up a hill ! But was it distilled or well water?
112  Global Warming !bettyDone268/19/2013
    Do they want to get punched? Do they want me bring the thunder? Do they want clean air or warm houses? They cannot have both !! In fact, over their noses they may have to wear tinfoil hats to protect them from the mind-reading satellites used by an ancient civilization to battle aliens.
110  Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !bettyDone224/19/2013
     A moment later, all hell broke loose as she screamed, "WHAT IS THAT??" "What?" I said. "I THOUGHT I saw a passenger carrying a suspiciously-shaped bag. I was scared that in it would be a basket of fruit. like a nice day at the beach with relaxing waves, shimmering sunlight, and lots of ketchup for the French fries.
109  ThanksgivingbonnieDone1912/19/2012
    What if we ran out of food?!! Would any stores be open? I opened the phone book to look for Christmas presents. she exclaimed, "It's not even Thanksgiving yet, and already you're behind schedule!" Clearly the only thing to do now is have seconds!
108  I Blew Up My Lab!gregDone2110/26/2012
    So beautiful. prrrecciouusss... Those hobbitses are always stealing from us. Those nasty little roaches were everywhere!
107  Christmas Shopping IIIbettyDone212/11/2012
    The darkness was so complete it was like a solid thing--a suffocating blanket of oblivion that clung to our faces and enveloped us in its lifeless embrace.
106  Let's Organize Your Garage !bettyDone227/25/2011
    The neighbors saw us, and said "You are so dumb. Don't you know how to do anything?!! This is the way to do it: First, stack up the ammo boxes you have scattered all over the floor.
105  Christmas Shopping IIgregDone212/24/2011
     the clerk exclaimed, " You are trying to pay me with counterfeit money!
103  Zombie Attack!gregDone226/10/2010
     But by that point there must have been at least 1,000 zombies! They were now known to be in cahoots with the left wing red diaper doper babies. we are doomed...... We'll marinate them in 4 ounces of gooey, green, groddy BRAINS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
102  The Art of DeclutteringbettyDone218/4/2009
    We put them just where they belonged: in your face, boy!! IN YOUR FACE!! HAHAHAHA!!!! Then, we passed our box of clutter in a circle like Musical Chairs, and whoever ended up with the box, then that person had to chase the Fly Lady all over the room with a butterfly net.
101  The hathood of the traveling brown hat.rhondaDone213/20/2009
    The note said, " Help me! I'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory!" It was then we realized our next stop had to be a chinese restaurant. because big drops of sweat were pouring down my face. It was just so hot that I had to grab the hat and hurl it into a guy's open car window as I shot past him on the interstate.
100  The Nephews come to VisitgregDone2212/9/2008
    Cheese again, not after the last debacle. That was something else. It all started when Ethan ran into the living room to take a swing in Greg's new hanging chair, only to discover that he had forgotten his Prozac.
99  Laser Eye SurgerygregDone2010/3/2008
    A couple of these and you won't feel a thing! I should know, I use them whenever I am doing brain surgery.
98  Abiathar the Superhero!gregDone214/27/2007
     Abiathar, the superhero of sunny disposition and ensemble, was on a mission. He needed to go up a level in a hurry! Those thugs were too powerful. Run away! He jumped over a wall and landed in a huge pool of radioactive sludge. He was in a Vahzlizok strongold! He leapt to his feet, grinned from ear to ear and slammed the Death Wish Mortificator into the bottom of the Hydra's stomach.
97  My New Video Game!bettyDone213/13/2007
    Hey! That'd make a good name for a game: "Playstation Frustration"! In that game you'd start out in the sewers killing rats with your bare hands, then after reaching your first level, you would start hanging pictures, nice and straight.
96  Fixing up my GardengregDone221/29/2007
    That was close! My chrysanthemums were only slightly singed. Relieved, I filled in the big hole dug by the groundhog, and on top of that dirt I put a big flat tire in the middle of the garden, because I didn't have anywhere else to put it. I then tried to decide what fertilizer to use. I had to choose between organic compost or that big bag of hot air, Joe Blow or Joe Schmoe or whatever his name is.
95  Rearranging My New Tech RoombettyDone221/31/2007
    Melodic crooning by the likes of Barry Manilow were interrupted by a big knock-down, drag-out cat fight. Wow, the fur did fly!
94  Speeding Down the HighwaybettyDone2112/4/2006
    I was feeling all ornery, so as soon as I walked through the door I was frisked by a big burly policewoman. Then she pushed me down onto a bench, and she said in a very loud voice, " Do! A deer! A female deer! Re! A golden drop of perspiration gently made a rivulet down my forehead and off the tip of my spoiler!
93  Having SurgerygregDone2012/1/2006
     What I want is for all this bleeding to stop!" I've lived a long, full life and don't have any regrets. What I want is for all this bleeding to stop!"
92  Accountant at WorkgregDone214/1/2006
     If you don't believe us, just go look in the mirror, and you will see why all accountants insist on only being paid with gold bullion. They all laughed, and said you look like an alien! If you don't believe us, just go look in the mirror, and you will see why all accountants insist on only being paid with gold bullion.
91  What I Saw When I Took a WalkbettyDone213/31/2006
    I peeked around and suddenly saw that someone was peeking back at me! It was none other than Mr. T, leaning out the window of his 1982 GMC van, yelling, "Get out of the road, sucka!" I ran toward the van to try and get his autograph, but he growled, "I ain't got time for your jibba-jabba, fool!"
90  Learning a Foreign LanguagegregDone222/4/2006
    I'd never studied a foreign language, but there's no time like the present for developing a smooth accent.
89  Putting out Christmas LightsbettyDone212/3/2006
     I could hear the sound of sleigh bells coming from the roof! Could it be? Would I really get to see Santa Claus??? We rushed to the roof and searched for hoofprints in the snow, but all we found were stale, broken gingerbread cookies from last year.
88  Lazor Beam HydragregDone2212/16/2005
    "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!" I laugh with raucous glee. You will be sorry; you will be very sorry when I stumbled upon a fully-loaded phaser rifle.
87  Concert at Chrysler HallbettyDone2112/14/2005
    I asked, and they said please to take our seats immediately! The maestro was heading down the center aisle was Hulk Hogan!
86  Touring EuropebonnieDone2112/13/2005
    I will be bold and ask him," Where is the bathroom? Cuz I really gotta go." But to my surprise, he snapped the cork out of the bottle of champagne out poured it on my pancakes. Famished, I dug in with reckless abandon. For dessert I asked for English Trifle, a scrumptuous dessert of whipped cream, fresh fruit, and sponge cake soaked with nervous sweat.
85  Christmas ShoppingbettyDone2212/1/2005
    "Why?" I asked. he exclaimed, "I want paper not plastic! You stupidhead!" He stomped his feet and then he yelled, " God bless us, every one!" A tear ran down my cheek as a sudden blast of frigid, snowy air reddened my nose, numbed my cheeks, caught my breath and blew all my packages into a snowdrift.
84  Working at McDonald'sgregDone2112/1/2005
     But he didn't understand that we never clean off the tables unless the manager yells at us; which he usually does every hour: He yells, " Orrrder uuuuuup!" To which the manager, confused, replies, " Yo man, why you do me like dat?
83  Trip to the Pumpkin PatchsherryDone2211/7/2005
     Then all the seeds and pulp I threw into the back of my Dodge Ram pickup truck.
82  test2gregDone249/16/2015
    You thought of pink elephants!!! Get lose, you cannot compare with my powers. woo boo -boo-boogaloo, boo-boo-boogalo! Put them together and what have you got? HAHAHA! You thought of pink elephants!!! Get lose, you cannot compare with my powers.
81  Going Into Space IIgregDone2110/28/2005
    The asteroid is too big. In less than one minute we would look out the window and see whether we can make the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs.
80  Taking Computer ClassbettyDone2010/27/2005
    he exclaimed. "You can't be serious! You never learned to touch-type?!! You must have gone to school in West Virginia! Did they have electricity? Indoor plumbing? Well, they sure didn't have any computers, because who knows what germs are lurking on the keyboard left over from the last class?!!
79  Cooking Show IIgregDone219/27/2005
    I know positively that these eggs are fresh! Break this one open and you will see why you should never cook with Spam on television."
78  Potty Training the TwinsbettyDone219/24/2005
    'Cause we're going to need it for all the poop that is on its way. What were you thinking to feed the twins stewed prunes?? You know eating prunes will always cause them to cooperate because they want to buy combat boots in order to have enough traction to navigate the poop-slimed floor.
77  Noisy NeighborsbonnieDone219/23/2005
    I just wondered if you knew there's a bowling alley right up the road. It's really not necessary for you to practice at home. I think they're even open at this time: your mouth! It needs to be CLOSED at this time!!" With that, she jumped off the roof and landed in the kiddie pool.
76  Driving Across CountrybettyDone229/16/2005
    That reminded me of when we went camping and we pitched the tent on the side of a hill: When it rained we started sliding down the hill and we landed in a cow patty.
75  NASCAR DaysgregDone219/9/2005
     What a hero he is! He sacrificed winning just so he could get the inside lane advantage! The excitement was electric! Suddenly, my nose started bleeding, and to wipe it, all I had was a sunburn and a hangover, but boy was that fun!
74  Conserving WaterbonnieDone229/9/2005
    Actually it sounded like a pretty good idea. So I went ahead and drank my own urine, since that was the only way to survive. Three days later, we were so thirsty our tongues were sticking to the plan. This is great news! At this rate, nobody's toilet in the entire county would ever flush completely again!
73  The Best Diet Ever!sherryDone218/31/2005
    Now go ahead and make my day! Shoot me with your water gun that I know is really filled with great tips on maintaining your new weight.
72  What a Yard Sale!bettyDone208/23/2005
    When I opened the can of worms it really did turn out to be a can of rattlesnake eggs.
71  Test PilotgregDone218/17/2005
     Now the fun begins! The co-pilot thought I was kidding, but far be it from me to let him know what was *really* going on.
70  A Day in the Life of a DorksherryDone218/14/2005
    I retorted, "Yeah? Well you're a stupid head! And what's more, your nose is too much to resist. This is why I never go into CompUSA unsupervised." I nodded, and added, "
69  Time for a Checkup!bonnieDone218/3/2005
     "Surely you don't mean for me to wear the hideous hospital gown in public, do you?!! Man! I would look like a model off the cover of one of those muscle man magazines!! If I did, then I could REALLY feel my heart pounding!
68  Building My New Cat CondobettyDone217/10/2005
    It was the best thing I could think of to prevent the neighbor's cats from invading and taking over the condo. Another thing I tried was screwing into the ceiling one of those screws with the ring, or eye, on the end, and threading string through it in order to tie it to a dumbbell.
67  Putting Up WallpapergregDone216/12/2005
     You're getting wallpaper paste all in my hair! uh oh, I'm all out. That's OK, because we bought extra rolls just in case. Try to line up the red hexagons so they match.
66  My Newest Home Improvement Project!bettyDone205/17/2005
    Well, I did, anyway. She thought that the circular saw would be perfect to slice the ham and salami for our lunch that day - can you believe that?" I almost lost it - not only were there woodchips in my sandwich, but now my favorite electric tool was perfect for sanding the hardwood floor prior to refinishing it.
65  Phone CallbonnieDone215/9/2005
    This ain't no namby-pamby country club! This is taking too long. What's your point?" "Okay, okay. I thought I'd better tell you what type of weapons you'll be using. As a Space Marine, you'll have a 40mm shoulder-mounted plasma thrower, 30cm vibroblade, and of course a standard simple telephone table is all that you need.
64  Airline PilotgregDone214/23/2005
     Somebody slow them down! Even if you have to jump up and down and sing Yankee Doodle. And that's exactly what I did, much to the surprise and shock of the pilot, the rudders were stuck, and the plane was started to pitch sideways!
63  I'm Not In It For The...bonnieDone214/6/2005
     After all, who would know that the slacker pizza cook would just put a smattering of cheese on my pizza! He even missed a couple spots! I asked for extra cheese, Cause let me tell you, I'm not in it for the pepperoni, man! Not the sauce!
62  Hosting a Cooking ShowbettyDone214/12/2005
     The studio kitchen was sparkling, brand new appliances, and plenty of brandy.
61  Ain't It Cool?gregDone224/7/2005
    Why would anyone want to eat eel? It is just gross to think about: Imagine those slimy, writhing creatures on a plate of lead-free pewter. We're going for a minimalist look here: clean lines, neutral colors. So what do you think?" I looked around before answering, noticing some men standing outside the window.
60  Competing with Starbuck'sbonnieDone214/2/2005
    He declared with confidence. "I can tell you suffer from it." she squealed, with wide eyes, "I just knew something wasn't right with me lately!"
59  My First Ocean CruisebettyDone213/28/2005
     Just try to blend in. Just act nonchalant, find stuff fun to do, and try to avoid getting eaten by a seagull! "They really ought to do something about that!" He shouted with ire, " Swab the deck, you landlubber. You will earn your keep on my ship.
58  Captain UnderpantsgregDone213/23/2005
    Unfortunately, once they got there, they discovered that Colonel Colon had eaten ALL the Grape-Nuts! When they arrived, his tummy was already started to gurgle. "Uh, excuse me, I didn't mean to fart in your face." Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time!
57  New Year's Resolutions!bonnieDone213/18/2005
     I mean what are we here for? We must improve our health! So we're focusing on diet, exercise, stress management and decluttering of house, home, and mind. A big job, but somebody's got to do it, and it might as well be YOU!
56  Saturday Morning's Cartoon MarathonbettyDone213/13/2005
    All part of a balanced beam that came crashing through the front door. Lieutenant Leotard and his gymnastic Cadre of Doom were attacking the Mars Landing Base. Bam! Bam! The rockets landed with a great sound like a car crash! But it was the dishes, falling on the kitchen floor because the kids were up on the counter trying to get their own breakfast!
55  Spy Base AlphagregDone213/8/2005
    After he recovered from his coma he discovered he had a new ability: he had heightened awareness of a person's inclinations-- good or evil. It's up to us to determine which way the world goes. With the intelligence we gain, not so good...That is the question. Also here is a good one: "To be or not to be?"
54  Texas WinterbonnieDone203/3/2005
     How lilting was the music. It made me want to change into a tank top and get a cold drink.
53  Christmas Shopping - 2004bettyDone202/26/2005
    An hour later my receipt showed up in my e-mail. And with that, I got out a notepad and pencil, and started planning for NEXT Christmas! I need to, umm, get some stuff." An hour later my receipt showed up in my e-mail. And with that, I got out a notepad and pencil, and started planning for NEXT Christmas!
52  Modeling AgencygregDone212/21/2005
    Now fix your wardrobe immediately!" Crying, she moaned, "Why me? Why do I have to wear that hideous dress?
51  All I Need Is...bonnieDone212/16/2005
     Will I be a n00b for the rest of my life? None of this makes sense to me. To help me I think I'll ask the bartender. "What do you recommend?" He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment before stomping on the gas pedal and screaming out of the parking lot like a bat out of H-E-double hockey sticks.
50  My Summer at the Archeological DigbettyDone212/11/2005
    There was a long, tense silence, until finally someone said, "Well, I'm hungry. Who's up for some Mickie D's?" And yet, here are the little yellow wrappers!" There was a long, tense silence, until finally someone said, "Well, I'm hungry. Who's up for some Mickie D's?"
49  Shopping at Lowe'sgregDone202/6/2005
    Who would have thought Wendy's chili would have such a flatulating effect? Unfortunately as I quickly rounded the corner, I ran right into the forklift!
48  Anorexia TherapybonnieDone212/1/2005
     It's O.K. Just throw out all your mirrors, and get those Amusement Park ones that make you look fatter than you really are. Then you'll look normal! You can finally eat whatever you please, whenever you please, even if it means you see the number on the scale go up one! It's O.K.
47  Building My New House!bettyDone231/27/2005
    should certainly qualify me to start my new house! I had already drawn the plans which would include 2, maybe 3 banks of cannons to blow away looters, marauders, and other human filth that would start roaming the streets if Kerry was elected president.
46  Ultimate Ninja IIgregDone211/22/2005
    It's almost time for my backward-spinning atomic dragon kick!" I bounced off two walls and the ceiling, appearing as no more than a black ghost before I landed the blows, methodically right between the eyes, whirled around and thrust a powerful kick right into his solar plexus!
45  Election Day!bettyDone211/17/2005
     And don't come in here sniveling like the loser Democrat that you are. Step up to the table and tell me your party affiliation, if you don't mind." I answered, "As a matter of fact, I do have clean hands and a pure heart, and I have not lifted up my hand to vote for John Kerry.
44  A Day in the Life of...bonnieDone201/12/2005
     All the other ants in the mound felt more secure with him around, knowing he'd been responsible for killing many enemy spies who had infiltrated his kingdom. But he would not be the next one.
43  High School CarwashgregDone201/7/2005
    Money money money. We took some of the money and used it for wiping up the spoiled milk in the back seat. Boy, did it stink!
42  Pushed Over the EdgebonnieDone211/2/2005
    Then he stuck a fork in an electrical outlet. This caused him to emit a strange growl-like sound from the base of his throat.
41  Cleaning Out the GaragebettyDone2112/28/2004
     We had rented it for just this purpose. Waste Management was going to come get it at the end of the week. "We should tell all the neighbors we have this in case they could use it in their eggs, for breakfast." We then looked at the workbench ; there lay Barrister really liking all the room where he could stretch out, and also he enjoyed the warm sunlight as he stepped out into the fresh air for a little break.
40  HULK SMASH!gregDone2012/23/2004
    Little did he know, right around the corner there was Emil Blonsky, better known as the Abomination!
39  Joining the PTAbonnieDone2012/18/2004
     I asked. "Who, her? She's the Director of Faith-Based Initiatives at D.C.!"
38  Going to the County FairbettyDone2012/13/2004
    I did too pay for my last Ferris wheel ride. Look, I have the ticket stub right here, next to my prize-winning apple pie. Look at it!
37  News at 11gregDone2012/8/2004
     "Who did this to you?" They asked. "NINJA!" He yelled "Stop the presses! Stop the presses!!" The editor asked, "What's the matter?" "Can't you see that the weatherman hasn't arrived yet?!! What are we going to do? We have 10 minutes to play ads until we can find the rest of tonight's tape.
36  Investigating VegetarianismbonnieDone2112/3/2004
    But anyway, they would go on to tell everyone at Burger King that they were being sinfully cruel to the poor cowies, and contaminating themselves with chemicals and hormones and crap.
35  Boppy's Trip to TexasbettyDone2111/28/2004
     First Boppy left Gloucester and headed to the airport. On the way Papaw and Boppy picked up Uncle Greg who lived in a cardboard box that a bigscreen TV had come in. A little window was cut out of the side. Through it, you could see the clouds down below and the heavy pollution surrounding her, asking her to please empty her pockets.
34  Dance ClassbonnieDone2111/23/2004
    Their only recourse was to join the Army. Fortunately, they breezed through all the physical training and went on to become decorated infantry.
33  The Minotaur KinggregDone2111/18/2004
    she said, " Get your armor on and sharpen your sword and let's go do some fighting, and then let's go do some laundry, because I'm sure you'll all agree we're starting to smell. I noticed a stream of urine running down the side of the cavern wall.
32  The Bizarre BazaarbonnieDone2011/13/2004
    At a nearby table, I saw a bright red hula hoop left over from the 50's. What a find! I grabbed it quickly because I wanted to add it to my collection. I tried it out too. While I was whirling it around my waist, I started to feel nostalgia for the carefree days of my youth, once so far away, but now closer for seeing the whole collection of Scooby Doos all in one place was amazing!
31  My Trip Around the WorldbettyDone2111/8/2004
     It will cause itchy feet. That's right. You won't be satisfied to stay at home. You'll want to take another trip as soon as you can. The fun is just beginning. Now we are headed for the North Pole!
30  Downtown PrecinctgregDone2211/3/2004
     The fact that I'm addicted to placebos doesn't make it any easier. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference. I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
29  Growing Up on a FarmbettyDone2110/29/2004
     I think we will have to plant some more right away! Here, take this bag of grass seed and scatter it around the dining table, in between the ham, biscuits 'n' gravy, grits, and cornbread.
28  The Dinosaur WorldbonnieDone2110/24/2004
     I wonder how old they really are. Would they be as old as me?" She shook her head, and replied "I imagine these dinosaurs are at least 100 years old. You can tell because the skin is so scaly and rough. Look how long the toenails are! Why they must be as long as a 50-foot garden hose!
27  Gardening with BettygregDone2010/19/2004
    And if you shoot it with bullets, it will die. Let me demonstrate. (Blam! Blam! Blam!) Oops, that was Roger and June's night light! Oh well, moving right along, discarding a few weeds here, a few dead leaves there, soon your garden will look like crap. That's the price you pay for neglecting it or using cheap stuff for fertilizer!
26  On the Open RoadbonnieDone2110/14/2004
     Now she was getting mad because he wasn't answering her. He knew she was mad because she turned into a werewolf! Shreds of clothing flew away, revealing dark brown fur beneath.
25  The International VillagebonnieDone2110/9/2004
    "There's nothing better than sitting around the campfire singing in twelve different languages at once!" She laughed. "There's nothing better than sitting around the campfire singing in twelve different languages at once!" "There's nothing like knocking the puck around in the light of the midnight sun!"
24  Weekend in ParisgregDone2110/4/2004
    I kicked the dude in the nuts as hard as I could. "How dare you expose yourself like that in front of her!" I screamed. "Why, I oughta punch your red diaper doper baby lights out! You flamin' liberal French sissy.
23  Xander Goes ShoppingbettyDone229/29/2004
     And sure enough there was a Taco Bell right inside the store! So Xander hurried over there and ordered a big Mac with cheese and extra ketchup and Great Biggie Fries. cried Ethan. "Xander, you already have two, and I have only one!
22  Fart DictionarybonnieDone219/24/2004
    So we took wet paper towels and stuffed them in our ears so we wouldn't have to listen to the crybabies. We made fun of them because their farts were so soft and quiet. "You have sissy farts!
21  Boot CampgregDone219/19/2004
    the Sarge growled, "You're goin'! So pull yourself together and straighten up that posture, soldier! We want you to stand tall and proud. Remember you are representing the United States of America, the most powerful country in the world!
20  Good Old Pop's Drive-inbettyDone219/14/2004
    Pretty soon the whole parking lot was full of chicken nuggets! Hundreds of them! Crate after crate of chicken nuggets! "This isn't right!" I exclaimed. "Pops doesn't sell chicken nuggets! Do we, guys?" He chuckled as he called over his shoulder to the crew. They all laughed nervously because they knew where this was headed.
19  Going Back to CollegebettyDone219/9/2004
     Some were nibbling jelly doughnuts and drinking coffee; some perusing the Wall Street Journal, and some were just livid that tuition had gone up again.
18  If You Give a Mouse a CookiebonnieDone219/4/2004
     And if you let him wash the dishes, he may notice the soap bubbles drifting in the air, and that will remind him of days long gone by when he used to sit under the willow tree lanquidly blowing bubbles and drinking his tall cold glass of lemonade, and he would daydream about floating on his back in the swimming pool, feeling the warm sunshine and cool water, relaxing while listening to the sonic booms from the numberless jets flying overhead.
17  Our Summer VacationbettyDone218/30/2004
    We had seconds to get out of our car before you make it smell worse than it already does! Don't you ever get tired of going to the same place for vacation every year? This time, why don't you go to the creek and wade in the cold water?
16  Trapped in a MinegregDone218/25/2004
     And that's ALL I NEED! And this chair. And that's ALL I NEED. And this dead battery. And this rock. And this lawn chair. And that's ALL I NEED!"
14  Our Visit to the LibrarybonnieDone218/15/2004
     I realized this was a good opportunity to get out of there, so I quietly nudged past the jostling, shouting crowd, resisting the temptation to tear out the pages of the 1500-page unabridged dictionary and start making ragged origami with them.
13  Stress Reduction TechniquesbonnieDone238/10/2004
    Would you please go twiddle your thumbs while I take care of MY important business! You are so getting on my nerves!
12  My New Job at Burger KingbettyDone208/5/2004
     Here, take this old spatula and whack the back of the head of any customers who don't agree to 'super-size' their combos." The manager handed it to me and walked off. I didn't know what to do, the meat had been sitting all night unrefrigerated.
11  Cooking with GrandmabettyDone227/31/2004
     You know hot dogs give me terrible indigestion, and not only that, they also give me a set of free ginseng knives, you know, the kind you use for energy-supporting herbs.
10  Ultimate NinjagregDone227/26/2004
    After that, self-preservation was only a matter of using his nunchaku in a totally awesome way, spinning them up, down, left, right, so fast that you couldn't even see them move. In fact, you couldn't see them at all until the curtain of blood was gone.
 Wall Street BluesgregDone227/16/2004
     This was ordered by someone other than I! I would never want cream or sugar in my coffee. I want it black, black, black with extra coffee. Now, I also want all your money. I mean ALL of it. Hand it over or I will give you a million dollars in exchange for leaving the country and never mentioning this again!"
 Going into SpacebettyDone217/11/2004
    They bathe in artificial dihydrogen monoxide which was produced in a laboratory manned by hyper-intelligent mice. "You see," Sam explained, "they're almost as good as human researchers, but they get paid in cheese!
 Ye Olde Medieval DaysbettyDone217/1/2004
    The Earl replied with a bow, "And I named the cheese after thee, milord." Then the Count called all the servants together to tell them the bad news: They would no longer get free sandwiches until the draconian taxes levied by the Duke of Hazzarde were removed.
 Barrister the Lawyer CatbettyDone216/26/2004
     I need a break." So she put down her pencil and went to hell in a handbasket.
 The Big ConundrumbettyDone216/21/2004
     Gromit, they are all wrong! What will the students do now? They must reevaluate and find a better deal on a used car. What they wanted to charge us was absolutely ridiculous. "I know," Betty said, "Let's go to the library and do research about Guinea Worms.
 Woo baby!gregDone216/16/2004
     Maybe if he bought more turkey pepperoni everyone would be happier. After all who wants on their pizza those dripping greasy carrot sticks.
 Big ComputergregDone186/11/2004
    So, it was most certainly his last bungee cord jump. and as luck would have it, that was the one in which his cord broke. So, it was most certainly his last bungee cord jump.