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Story IDTitleCreatorStatusNum EntriesDate Finished
174  Springtime in VirginiabettyDone2212/27/2022
    Boil em, mash em, stick inna stew! which reminds me I haven't eaten a meal yet today. Hmmm... I think I would like some more lilacs, because they smell so good. I can plant them one by one all lining the sidewalk. When they bloom they will look as if they are marching, and when the neighbors see them, they will exclaim, "
173  Daylight Saving Time !bettyDone234/21/2021
    Turns out it has to be going 1,000 miles an hour, so obviously a car was out. So we went to the airport and ironically, we were all so hungry we didn't care what we ate, so on the menu was was a Post-it note with the terse message: "OUTSIDE NOW".
172  A Winter Day in the WildernessbonnieDone222/15/2021
    They also complained last week when I took my trash to the dump, I ran into an old friend, who enthusiastically said to me, " This kind of lichen is edible! Look how much there is, we could eat all day!" I nearly gagged at the idea. "I'm not really hungry," I said, " 2 bites and I am full.
171  Oh, the weather outside is frightful...bettyDone2212/31/2020
     We could not get out! we were getting so dizzy, and as a last resort we tried crawling on our hands and knees. That took quite some time, but fortunately, they at least had an overstock of those little peanut snack bags to hand out to everyone.
170  The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!bettyDone231/13/2020
     We don't have enough food for all those people! Just kidding! We actually sold the turkey for bail money! Now get in, loser. We're headed for the Mexican border. Would you pass the TV remote control? I need to find out what the score is. I guess I could find out on my phone, but turkey grease had dripped all over it.
169  A Breath of Fresh AirbonnieDone2211/15/2019
    They werr also known for making excellent fried fish in a delightful lemon sauce. Served with a nice dry white, can of Rustoleum spray paint. That will do the trick. Just don't be heavy handed with the instruments!
168  Toiling at 3 a.m.bettyDone2210/13/2019
    There used to be an old Sears & Roebuck Catalog to use for wiping but we had advanced to real rolling toilet paper...Yay! Sitting there on the two-holed set was very relaxing and in the distance we could hear the rumbling of thousands of troll feet as they stampede toward us.
167  The Reckoning of the KiwisxanderDone227/28/2019
    The best thing to do was pass out spoons and tell everyone to get to their battle stations. This was it, the invasion had begun. Fresh-faced cadets leapt into gun emplacements and cockpits, scarcely believing they were actually going to see combat. Even worse, this an enemy they had never seen before; they swarmed over the horizon, rising to block the sun, the chattering of their thousands of quadcopter blades unmistakable even though they were still miles away.
166  Somebody's Gotta Do It !bettyDone227/8/2019
    Sending *IT* back. This was the most disappointing robotic vacuum I had ever used. 1 star! It got caught on everything! it even got stuck on logistics. Luckily, we had somebody here who knows how to ask all the right questions so we can work out a feasible plan.
165  I love Thunderstorms !bettyDone216/10/2019
    I was still lucid enough to know I was falling toward the mat, and out of the corner of my bloodshot eyes I could see the towering frame of London Bridge, shaking with laughter, as he said "
164  Wrapping those Christmas Presents !bettyDone231/9/2019
    They had every kind you could think of, but I was really drawn to the sparkly tissue wrapping paper!
163  Let's Set Fire to the WoodsxanderDone2112/7/2018
    Everything your body needs. But it looks and tastes like snot so wash it down with very dry sticks and pine straw. We gathered all that in a little pile, and then went looking for the all important matches. Can't have a fire without matches. For good measure he also grabbed a can of whoopass should do the tric' Nevertheless, let us with all due diligence seek to find a pool of water or a stream or something to put the fire out!
162  Some Kind of AdventurexanderDone239/10/2018
    What I really wanted to do after listening to all of that was break something. My fury knew no bounds, and I would have my revenge. But first, I needed to build a safety net! I bought a whole bunch of ropes at Ace Hardware and carefully wove them into a really strong basket we could use to swing ourselves across the chasm.
161  That Garage !bettyDone228/9/2018
     Exasperated, I loaded my shotgun. No more screwing around. Sometimes, only brute force can solve a problem. Locked and loaded, I peeked out the cat door to see what all the commotion was about....
160  I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?bettyDone248/3/2018
     Anyway I also thought Bill Miller's Barbecue might be a good place to work. Certainly the smells there would be delightful! Wow! Thinking about that, why am I even still considering other jobs?? But this is an important decision, so I'll keep thinking. There's something to be said for being out in the sunshine and fresh air, so maybe I should think about wearing rubber gloves when I am washing the dishes at Jim's.
159  A large, healthy tuft of stump grassbonnieDone227/18/2018
     I always carry them with me in case anyone needs them because they have a splinter or a tick or a stray unwanted hair, or in case they have a stray unwanted coyote wandering around, digging in the trash, chasing rabbits.
158  Cleaning up after Milo the MousebettyDone217/11/2018
    "Stand back!" But Boppy exclaimed, "I can't kill it if I've named it!" No one could argue with that. But here's another question: if you've named a mouse Milo, can you ever set out a mousetrap for him?
157  Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA CampusbettyDone227/6/2017
    He was going to teach them a new school anthem. He tapped his conductor's rod on the podium, and then, when he was sure he had their attention, he said, "I am the Big Cheese around here.
156  San Antonio VacationgregDone225/27/2017
     We can give them bowls of scorpions! We scooped them up during our daily desert hike. The sneaky bastards tried to sting us but we were too smart for them.Once we had about 50 of them, we were ready to proceed.
155  Will That Snow Ever Melt? !bettyDone212/5/2017
     The nearest one is right next doo' Let's walk over there, introduce ourselves to the new neighbor, and say, "Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on?" And so I wake in the morning and I step outside just to get a breath of fresh, crisp, cold air, but what do I get?!!
154  Different Pizza ToppingsgregDone211/11/2017
     Now I will take a snapshot with my new neighbors. It can be hard to come up with a combination of pizza toppings that will please everyone in the group, but if you stick olives with toothpicks on the pizza, there could be tragic results...like wasting pizza!
153  But I don't want to!bonnieDone2011/13/2016
     Because if you are hungry, you will probably end up getting frustrated. The best thing to do is take a minute to evaluate the situation, then decide which size pizza to order, the giant 18-inch, or should we order the small instead of the large? You don't want to get stuck with too much time on our hands, we decided just to go shopping.
152  We Need More Enthusiasm !bettyDone2210/16/2016
     There were so many that we didn't know where to look! I told everybody, "Just remember how we rehearsed it: Keep smiling and always brush your teeth before you do. Buy a dentist-approved toothbrush and a big tube of t-shirts to shoot into the crowd!" everyone responded, with enthusiasm.
151  Xander's New Dorm RoombonnieDone219/9/2016
    But the coolest thing he has in his room is a large, heavy anvil.
150  Trying to Keep Cool !bettyDone228/20/2016
     So we immediately went loco. Smashing chairs, flipping over tables, drinking liquor after drinking beer, queuing up Taylor Swift songs on the jukebox, it was complete bedlam.
149  The Stump VinebonnieDone214/26/2016
     Put all of it in the back of the truck and take it to the dump! And while you are there, make sure you pick up some latticework or fishing line because as the vine grows, it wraps around everything in its path and starts choking the other plants when then in desperation they start to prune it, they don't know such actions are misguided.
148  LaundrycolleenDone204/2/2016
    Hahaha! Actually, I meant the the white clothes should be separated from the red, but I forgot and washed them together! When I took them out of the washer, they were all the color of a cloudy winter sky. Now, the only solution would be to tie-dye everything !
147  It's snowing!!!colleenDone292/22/2016
    Glo-Quips sent a photographer and when he came by, he shoveled the sidewalk in front of their french doors, even though everybody knows they never salt the roads anymore because the salt rusts out the undercarriage of the metal railing.
145  Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!bettyDone212/5/2016
    Remember it gets cold on the plane, so you would probably need to holster it." With that, he turned on his heel and and phoned for the men in white to bring a strait jacket.
144  Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!colleenDone201/10/2016
     In fact, anyone could just walk in and easily help themselves to croissants, chocolate eclairs, and mugs of steaming beef stew. Ladelling out a serving, I went out on the patio and enjoyed a big bowl of roasted chili peppers.
143  Resolutions for the New Year !bettyDone221/9/2016
     So I put on my hat, opened the door, walked out on to the front porch, and stepped into a new suit! Perfectly pressed and tailored, it did wonders for my mood, and I felt so happy and confident, I called up all my friends and invited them over for a little thing we like to call an "Intervention."
142  Ordering Online Christmas Presents !bettyDone2112/14/2015
     What a great hiding place! After finding it I hid it again, but this time inside a really big box! The only way to cover that will be to file bankruptcy!! Man, I will hate to go to court and stand before the magistrate and hope you don't get thrown in jail until you paid every penny because you were cruel to your debtors and the king found about it.
141  Dual CompostersgregDone2112/13/2015
    He turned to go, which was awkward because he was carrying bucket load after bucket load of stinking garbage and pouring it carefully into the concrete mixer. I pulled the lever and it started slowly turning.
140  Deli BolognagregDone2211/28/2015
    !! They must have come from the bottom of the fridge, behind puddles of spilled condiments and half-rotted vegetables. The odor of it all made me swell with joy.
139  Getting Ready for Fall !bettyDone2110/29/2015
     Bake it in an oven with the oven door slightly open so any extra heat can escape into the cargo bay!" But the skydive instructor wouldn't relent. he yelled over the noise of the plane's engines. "Now get ready for the fall!"
138  SlatheragegregDone219/16/2015
     Considering all the work that had gone into it, everyone was really surprised that Aussie rock had made it into the mainstream in the States.
137  Growing Those Tomatoes !bettyDone218/1/2015
    Then I carefully placed them side by side in a plastic tray. I carried it over to the Speights to see what their opinion would be.
136  Midnight snackcolleenDone216/11/2015
    It might give you bad breath and terrible indigestion. I got out my Altoids and Tums, took two of each and then proceeded to prop up our feet and top everything off with a smooth and tasty pina colada.
135  That New Smart PhonebettyDone226/10/2015
    I also took my time thinking up a good password. too smart for me" !! I just gave up and started playing Soda Crush. A relaxing game that makes me feel insecure. The only thing that could settle my nerves now would be if I could take some time to remove all the apps I don't like.
134  NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THISgregDone246/3/2015
    Well I will show you! I will give you a big fat wallet full of money if you will go over there and smack that bully. We are all getting tired of this continual harassment.
133  Why me!?!!colleenDone236/3/2015
     If something is missing, always remember: look under the couch cushions for any stray peanuts. I am sure I lost some. We want to make our own peanut butter in our new electric hot tub.
132  Backyard ProjectsbettyDone225/28/2015
    We had been practicing for weeks, and had finally Kissed the day goodbye with a drop to the pillow. But, why then could he not get off his duff and help me?!! Sweat was running into my eyes, mosquitoes were biting me, and worst of all, the only solution I could find online was to use pesticide.
131  Cupcakes!colleenDone225/26/2015
     Be creative! You can use sprinkles, candy, curls of chocolate...even tiny toys or other unusual options such as little Hulk faces made of butter and green-colored strips of bacon, ground-up meatballs, and garnished with chicken wings.
129  Climbing Enchanted RockbettyDone215/2/2015
    I decided to take a picture. I took out my camera and turned around facing west where in the distance we could see giant floaters in our vision! Aaaaahhh! We must have a detached retina or something!! It could also be caused by heavy and drenching downpours of rain which then froze over the entire Rock when the temperature suddenly dropped.
128  I Need to Take a Trip !bettyDone224/16/2015
    But he was a big fan of just taking a nap! But, noooooo oooooooooo. Oooooooooo. They don't accept senior citizens, teenagers, or Discover Card. It was obvious the dog was no fan of the cats! But he was a big fan of just taking a nap! But, noooooo oooooooooo.
127  Bonnie's New Tutoring JobbonnieDone274/16/2015
    Each person gets to pick a teacher to go home with.....we pick Miss Bonnie! Those crazy kids need more medications for their birthdays! Each person gets to pick a teacher to go home with.....we pick Miss Bonnie! It's also hard to get anything posted on Facebook!
126  Getting Ready for New Year's EvebettyDone222/18/2015
    It was a .38 revolver which I bought at the Dollar General Store. They were having a big sale and on the main shelves were stacks of old magazines that I had never read. Popular Science, Popular Mechanics, Family Handyman, as well as buckets of confetti, streamers, and plenty of loud outfits that we got from the thrift store.
125  New Year's ResolutionsbonnieDone2212/24/2014
    For example, don't just say that you're going to lose weight. Say you're going to take a trip around the world !! Just make sure you stop at the first sign of feeling faint. And now you know how to make your neighbors your best friends for life !Just walk over, knock on their door and with great enthusiasm, say, "
124  Get Those Presents Wrapped !bettyDone2212/24/2014
    Take one down, pass it around and around until it's good and tight. Just to be sure, shake it to be sure it's tight enough. You can be confident it is if you leave the presents on your friend's front porch who lives in the ghetto that they will be picked up by a bunch of charity workers.
123  We Need a Plumber !bettyDone2212/12/2014
     It has to be Vodka! Sweet lifeblood of our glorious mother country, it falls like water from the skies and collects in pools. Children from the nearby village came running, naked, to dive into a particularly deep collection of sweet, sweet, silvery alcohol.
122  Christmas DecorationsbonnieDone2212/12/2014
    Some people think they are dead! But they're just acting. They're just lying there waiting to be strung from shrub to shrub. Let's get going! First I will check them by plugging them into the nearest electrical outlet. It's a trick to get the lights lined up just right, but when you do, the results are two thumbs with far too many blisters, and a back with far too acute an angle.
121  I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!bettyDone2111/28/2014
    It drew me in...into a world that I could hardly imagine! Finally I had to say Good night to my Chat buddies, and in unison they all said to me, " We're doing an intervention."
120  The Great BeyondxanderDone219/21/2014
    So to be truly safe, they would need to suit up in 30 seconds or less! In a situation like that, nobody but nobody wants their oxygen tank to run out!
119  Summer bonnieDone209/21/2014
    But I had a better idea. Set up a giant lemonade stand right at the end of our driveway !!
118  Best Video Game of the Year !bettyDone228/15/2014
    there is a grand expanse of purple mountains, faraway blue lakes, and a great number of reddish-orange Doritos. They were next to the Cheetos, Slim Jims, Twizzlers, and a box of Poop. I wondered how it had gotten in there.
117  The best movie EVER!!!colleenDone217/18/2014
    So bad, that I wanted to dump my popcorn on the floor, but instead I decided to run as fast as I could!! I ran so far I got lost. I didn't care, I was finally able to lift my shoes from the sticky coke residue on the floor, and I put them on top of the stack of 16mm movie reels that I stole from the projection room when nobody was looking!
116  What I Saw When I Took A Walk IIgregDone235/28/2014
    I said "Gimme that money!" But he said, You are under arrest! Face down on the ground! Put your hands behind your back stalked a ninja! He was there the ENTIRE TIME!
115  You know...bonnieDone2311/10/2013
    We had to seek shelter fast or we would be doomed for sure. Nearby there was a lurking police car. People should know better than to cook a bowl of noodles for lunch in the middle of defeating the giant cave troll, I found I needed quickly to scrub that off before it stained.
114  Whatever is on your mind !bettyDone2410/27/2013
    You know it's the little things in life that really matter, so go ahead and get an associate's degree in plumbing. In will come in handy when you suddenly realize, "The whole time, I've been wondering which is better whole milk or 2%?
113  Nursery RhymegregDone2210/24/2013
    So now if you have peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, or peas porridge in the pot nine days old, you can be assured it will be well-stirred even if you're not around. It only takes a spark to get a fire going so they could have a giant Humpty-Dumpty omlette!
112  Global Warming !bettyDone268/19/2013
     Al Gore was busy writing his next speech to present before the exclusive group of European citizens would be allowed onto the Space Ark. The rest would be left to drown in the swarm of cats.
110  Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !bettyDone224/19/2013
    HOW CAN THIS BE SO COMPLICATED?!?!?!" Covering my face with my hands, I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm down.
109  ThanksgivingbonnieDone1912/19/2012
    I opened the phone book to look for Christmas presents. she exclaimed, "It's not even Thanksgiving yet, and already you're behind schedule!" Clearly the only thing to do now is have seconds! But just as I was about pile up my plate with some lovely decorated Rainbow Pony cupcakes were left at my doorstep!
108  I Blew Up My Lab!gregDone2110/26/2012
    As I sat in the middle of the smouldering wreckage of my lab, I wept quietly to myself for a long, long time. I couldn't make out the rest of the ad because tears had already begun to dissolve the ink, which ran like charcoal wisps of liquidated dreams down the face of the page.
107  Christmas Shopping IIIbettyDone212/11/2012
    Now he has great breath! (Muhahahaha) He also has another present hidden in the glove box of his car. Already in the glove box was a carefully wrapped gyro sandwich, hot and freshly made with lots of whipped cream and chopped up maraschino cherries and topped off with premium unleaded.
106  Let's Organize Your Garage !bettyDone227/25/2011
     To begin with you need a plan and some money for new shelves. Not just any shelves, but the kind that are made of old rotten athletic shoes.
105  Christmas Shopping IIgregDone212/24/2011
    With that out of the way, I decided to take a break and get some tinsel to throw on the tree. I could only find silver of course. I took the strands out of the bag and placed them one by one on the shooting gallery.
103  Zombie Attack!gregDone226/10/2010
    I know! I will make a shield out of strips of flank steak. We'll marinate them in 4 ounces of gooey, green, groddy BRAINS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But by that point there must have been at least 1,000 zombies!
102  The Art of DeclutteringbettyDone218/4/2009
    She buzzed right in with a big flyswatter and started swatting us on the behind. Clearly she wasn't sure what to throw away and what to keep. For sure she wanted to get rid of the banana peels and apple cores strewn across the kitchen floor and all over Ethan's dresser.
101  The hathood of the traveling brown hat.rhondaDone213/20/2009
    Help me! I'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory!" It was then we realized our next stop had to be a chinese restaurant. because big drops of sweat were pouring down my face. It was just so hot that I had to grab the hat and hurl it into a guy's open car window as I shot past him on the interstate.
100  The Nephews come to VisitgregDone2212/9/2008
    To calm him down, we tried to make the boys go to bed early, but alas they had eaten too many bags of ice for their swollen eyes. Maybe one day they'll learn to stop fighting over who got to choose the ice cream flavor.
99  Laser Eye SurgerygregDone2010/3/2008
     Will it hurt?!! Could it possibly lead to early development of cataracts? I need to know because who wants to be blind for the rest of his life?!!" I decided to get a second opinion.
98  Abiathar the Superhero!gregDone214/27/2007
     Run away! He jumped over a wall and landed in a huge pool of radioactive sludge. He was in a Vahzlizok strongold! He leapt to his feet, grinned from ear to ear and slammed the Death Wish Mortificator into the bottom of the Hydra's stomach. But he wouldn't be staying there for long.
97  My New Video Game!bettyDone213/13/2007
    ready! Let the battle begin! The music started, and then slowly emerging onto the screen was a giant box!
96  Fixing up my GardengregDone221/29/2007
     Boy is it smelly! Hey I thought it was supposed to be odorless! Maybe it stinks because I was supposed to pick up a truckload of hardwood bark mulch from the nursery. But the truck bed was full of big fat earthworms--so big and fat that they looked like mashed up tatters of former flowers.
95  Rearranging My New Tech RoombettyDone221/31/2007
    that every day I need to load Oblivion and do some more killin'. More killin' means more XP and loot, which I'll need in order to keep the cats off the floor I built a neat wooden dining table complete with a covering of Chee-tohs dust.
94  Speeding Down the HighwaybettyDone2112/4/2006
    HIT THE--" He never finished his sentence, however, because that biggy size hot chocolate just spilled in his lap! He swiftly landed in full view of the spectators that had gathered to watch the race! They cheered, they waved, and they put the pedal to the metal and zoomed past the hidden radar.
93  Having SurgerygregDone2012/1/2006
    He gravely wrote, "I, being of sound mind and body, do hereby express my wishes in this last will and testament." He paused, and then continued: " I want every intern to pay attention here. Watch me make this incision, and I don't want anybody to cry when I'm gone.
92  Accountant at WorkgregDone214/1/2006
    They all laughed, and said you look like an alien! If you don't believe us, just go look in the mirror, and you will see why all accountants insist on only being paid with gold bullion. There were 100 accountants, all identical!!
91  What I Saw When I Took a WalkbettyDone213/31/2006
    So I took my cell phone and quickly dialed for help. I was in desperate straits! As soon as possible, I needed to go really bad! I could the pressure building in my lower abdomen. If I waited any longer I would poop on myself! So I turned around and I rushed toward the massive oak tree in order to hide behind it.
90  Learning a Foreign LanguagegregDone222/4/2006
     Just kidding, of course, but who knows, you may end up in Swaziland, in a dark jungle, surrounded by insipid but angry Frenchmen frothing epithets at us proudly patriotic Americans.
89  Putting out Christmas LightsbettyDone212/3/2006
     I could hear the sound of sleigh bells coming from the roof! Could it be? Would I really get to see Santa Claus??? We rushed to the roof and searched for hoofprints in the snow, but all we found were stale, broken gingerbread cookies from last year.
88  Lazor Beam HydragregDone2212/16/2005
     Come appraize my house, and bring your 5 clipboards! "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!" I laugh with raucous glee. You will be sorry; you will be very sorry when I stumbled upon a fully-loaded phaser rifle. It must have been dropped by an alphatrooper when he recovered from the blow to his head, he knew he would have to activate his quantum shields before it was too late!
87  Concert at Chrysler HallbettyDone2112/14/2005
    The mayor was there, several state councilmen were there, we even saw George Allen, John Warner, and Harvey Morgan in the foyer, and they were having a heated discussion about which burned longer: a violin or a viola.
86  Touring EuropebonnieDone2112/13/2005
    Where is the bathroom? Cuz I really gotta go." But to my surprise, he snapped the cork out of the bottle of champagne out poured it on my pancakes. Famished, I dug in with reckless abandon.
85  Christmas ShoppingbettyDone2212/1/2005
     What else could happen?!! Right away we started looking for a ribbon to put on the ribbon and I was good to go! The only thing that was still bugging me was what to get for the person on my list that was the hardest to buy for: my loud and noxious neighbor.
84  Working at McDonald'sgregDone2112/1/2005
    I considered this innovation. It would seem that fast-food production was more streamlined and technology-driven than even Dilbert could ever imagine! The new kitchen at Mc Donald's could satisfy even a barnyard full of swine. That's why we never eat at McDonald's anymore!
83  Trip to the Pumpkin PatchsherryDone2211/7/2005
    I shuddered; I now knew why I liked pumpkin pie so much. I could hardly wait to get back home so I could start making trouble for everyone.
82  test2gregDone249/16/2015
     Who knows? I might be spotted by the next agency of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy.
81  Going Into Space IIgregDone2110/28/2005
    We were about to embark on a six-month voyage so we packed 6 cases of peanut butter and 6 crates of oranges, for vitamin C. Because you don't want to get scurvy when you're halfway to getting your Junior Astronaut degree!
80  Taking Computer ClassbettyDone2010/27/2005
    But the truth was hard to swallow; in fact I was so overwhelmed, that I had to make the computer do what the teacher wanted it to do! I couldn't believe it! What a easy test this was! I had learned this stuff in high school. I breezed through the first half, and then my heart sank as the teacher chided loudly, "NO, NO, NO...you're doing it wrong!"
79  Cooking Show IIgregDone219/27/2005
    a voice exclaimed. with at least a gallon of premium unleaded. Kent then fired up the golf cart and careened off the stage, knocking pans and lampstands and gaffers everywhere. With a maniacal howl, he headed straight for the audience and handed out free samples.
78  Potty Training the TwinsbettyDone219/24/2005
    'Cause we're going to need it for all the poop that is on its way.
77  Noisy NeighborsbonnieDone219/23/2005
     Don't get me started on stereos with too much bass. There's no way I am going to invite those idiots to my birthday party so they can eat all my gourmet pastries were sitting on the counter, and I reached for the mop to bang on the ceiling. Suddenly it occurred to me that I could hook up my Mega-Blaster speakers and aim them next door!
76  Driving Across CountrybettyDone229/16/2005
    We immediately had a flat tire! And I know it was because we ran over a speed bump that was so big, the front end of the car shot into the air! We were leaning back like astronauts! As if on cue, the voice of Jackie Gleason could be heard exclaiming, "You're going too fast!"
75  NASCAR DaysgregDone219/9/2005
     It's a terrible thing to lose your train of thought in such an intense environment! You have to be able to think on your feet! Look at what's at stake, for crying out loud!
74  Conserving WaterbonnieDone229/9/2005
     So don't worry about flushing the toilet. We can wear nose plugs and burn the leftover sludge, even though everyone knows a better use for it would be to put it into a bucket beside the commode. After all the next time you flush, you may need that 5-gallon bottle of fresh, clean water over there.
73  The Best Diet Ever!sherryDone218/31/2005
    So instead, try to re-interpret your hunger as a desire to do another favorite activity besides eat, such as eggplant, okra, mushrooms, and rhubarb: all on Greg's list of guys lookin' in yer window!
72  What a Yard Sale!bettyDone208/23/2005
    It feels SO GOOD to relax now and do my yoga exercises! I am so limber I bet I could put my foot under my bra. I didn't have a pocket so that's where I kept the money from the yardsale. Those chilly coins were a problem though, so we stunned them with electric shocks. After that they didn't need to mow the lawn!
71  Test PilotgregDone218/17/2005
    We would look out to the horizon and see all our parachutes flying out the window! OH NO! The noise of the numberless engines would shake the earth.
70  A Day in the Life of a DorksherryDone218/14/2005
    This is why I never go into CompUSA unsupervised." I nodded, and added, " Boy! Am I a Dork! Can you tell that I am a MENSA member?
69  Time for a Checkup!bonnieDone218/3/2005
    I could not afford to have them do that diagnostic test, so I told him, "That's okay, I probably don't need both kidneys. I'm not very big so I must not have that much blood to filter, right?" The doctor sighed and took out the tongue depressor and inserted it into the patient's file. "It's good for us to keep a copy of your dental records and a listing of all intimate encounters you've had for the past 2 years."
68  Building My New Cat CondobettyDone217/10/2005
    And to take pictures of the project from start to finish, I bought a disposable cardboard toilet paper roll. (Hey, I was in a hurry!) Besides, it only cost 89 cents. And I had a coupon for $1 off so he had to give me 11 cents back.
67  Putting Up WallpapergregDone216/12/2005
     As I prepared the next strip, I suddenly has the urge to pee. But the toilet had been removed! So I went upstairs and screamed to let out the frustration. Then I went back downstairs and fixed myself a meatball lunch pocket.
66  My Newest Home Improvement Project!bettyDone205/17/2005
    I thought to myself, "Little do they know that the electrical outlets are installed upside down. All their cute little night lights will always be upside down--cackle cackle. THAT will teach them to use acetone to clean the hardwood floors.
65  Phone CallbonnieDone215/9/2005
    Get out of my office, you'll never be in the Space Marines!' Then I hung up and dialed the sheriff and asked him to come right away. Before I knew it, what should pull up in my driveway?! It was a car full of phase rifles and doom grenades! the driver said.
64  Airline PilotgregDone214/23/2005
    So I adjusted the seat. Then it felt much better. Reaching for the throw-up bag would be a good idea. Quickly, there is no time to waste! In a few seconds I will be unconscious from the lack of cabin pressure!
63  I'm Not In It For The...bonnieDone214/6/2005
     No one can take the smile off my face! It's going to stay there until you get a good principal!" "We don't want a good principal!" "We want more crackerjacks! We want more juice. Fluff up our pillows! Don't you know who we are? a SHRUBBERY! Or else you will regret it!" So I said, "Honey, I'm not in it for the lettuce!
62  Hosting a Cooking ShowbettyDone214/12/2005
     He shouted. "Close that window before that monkey gets in!" But it was too late, the hot cheese was dripping down onto the bottom of the oven and causing a terrible night with Nielsen's ratings.
61  Ain't It Cool?gregDone224/7/2005
     I drove up in my new car. I screeched to a halt, jumped out, and exclaimed to my friends, "Ain't it cool?
60  Competing with Starbuck'sbonnieDone214/2/2005
    So here's the plan: Rent a storefront, buy some coffee beans, and to grind them, buy a big muffin. The bigger the better. The biggest I've ever seen. In fact, so big, that it wouldn't even fit in the grinder. "Where'd you get that bean?"
59  My First Ocean CruisebettyDone213/28/2005
    and chuckled nervously. Our best course of action was to put on life jackets right away and line up next to the lady in the fancy hat. Just try to blend in. Just act nonchalant, find stuff fun to do, and try to avoid getting eaten by a seagull!
58  Captain UnderpantsgregDone213/23/2005
    That's when I realized: it was a giant bidet! But to use a bidet this large, someone would have to have a butt the size of a pouf chair which happened to be covered with at least an inch of freeze-dried shrimp had rained down onto the roadway.
57  New Year's Resolutions!bonnieDone213/18/2005
    And I'm all for a healthy diet, but don't you think you're taking it a little far?" She just couldn't understand why anyone would resolve not to exercise.
56  Saturday Morning's Cartoon MarathonbettyDone213/13/2005
    Lieutenant Leotard and his gymnastic Cadre of Doom were attacking the Mars Landing Base. Bam! Bam!
55  Spy Base AlphagregDone213/8/2005
    It's up to us to determine which way the world goes. With the intelligence we gain, not so good...That is the question.
54  Texas WinterbonnieDone203/3/2005
    We get there by 9am, but have to leave before the sun starts to shine again. Blistering hot rays beating down upon us, we began to feel dizzy, so someone suggested we should go sit down in the shade. A lady brought us some cold drinks.
53  Christmas Shopping - 2004bettyDone202/26/2005
     You know everyone just loves those boxes of styrofoam peanuts. Find someone who has a fan blowing in their room, dump the box, and watch the fun! Hundreds of kids having a present wrapping contest. Paper, ribbons, tape were flying everywhere.
52  Modeling AgencygregDone212/21/2005
     When we look into the mirrors, we want to see a little more attitude. Show me that anorexic girl who came in a while ago. She has the look we want. She must weigh close to 350 pounds. But that's OK. that's right...
51  All I Need Is...bonnieDone212/16/2005
    Your first day will probably be the least fun because you will have to get all your shots and make sure your coffee maker is off when you leave the house.
50  My Summer at the Archeological DigbettyDone212/11/2005
    There was a long, tense silence, until finally someone said, "Well, I'm hungry. Who's up for some Mickie D's?"
49  Shopping at Lowe'sgregDone202/6/2005
    As much of a headache that is, it'll be even worse if you led mold take control. So we looked at the dehumidifiers. They were piled to the ceiling in a very haphazard manner.
48  Anorexia TherapybonnieDone212/1/2005
     Next, you must only go grocery shopping when you are really hungry. That will enable you to put some food in your mouth, chew it up, and swallow it.
47  Building My New House!bettyDone231/27/2005
    On the walls were several works of art, but they were mounted right on the dry wall! "What idiot did this?" She shrieked. "You haven't even seen the rooftop gardens yet!" and this time, do it right. We could present movies in professional comfort for up to 30 people.
46  Ultimate Ninja IIgregDone211/22/2005
     Paint, easels, brushes were all flying out the window and straight into the exit tunnel! Running as fast as he could, he yelled over his shoulder, "I've had enough of this!"
45  Election Day!bettyDone211/17/2005
    Meanwhile, across the street, the DNC rally was handing out free copies of the Communist Manifesto, which were all autographed by Snoop Doggy Dog and Jesse Jackson. What a prize! I bet I could sell them on E-Bay for at least a hundred hours.
44  A Day in the Life of...bonnieDone201/12/2005
     Were they delicious! Now I just want to lie down in the sun and dream about life beyond these four gray walls. He had been locked up ages; he couldn't remember when he got his last rabies shot. Was it time for a booster? Puzzling over this, he decided to call for help from the adjoining nest, so they could quickly get the worms underground before the birds got them.
43  High School CarwashgregDone201/7/2005
     Boy, did it stink! It smelled like the driver must be a smoker. Frowning, we decided we could first try vacuuming up all the fragments of dried vomit. If they aren't stuck to the upholstery. If they are, we can try to use a high powered spray washer with a jet nozzle...or to blow his big hair dryer over the towel-dried car, for a final touch-up.
42  Pushed Over the EdgebonnieDone211/2/2005
     He cleaned his sink when the water would not go down any more. Yeah! Then he would celebrate with a big scream, which merged into tears which shot straight out for four feet, and led to snot rivers from the nose to the chin. When this happens, you can't get a word in, so your best strategy is to put on your ninja mask and draw your ninja sword.
41  Cleaning Out the GaragebettyDone2112/28/2004
     I cannot take this any longer! So I grabbed the can of gasoline, pulled out a book of matches, and debated whether to vote for George Bush or John Kerry. she said, "You can take that and stick it where's there no tomorrow! Yeah, and there's no beans about it. That stuff has no life left.
40  HULK SMASH!gregDone2012/23/2004
    Bricks were flying , windows shattering, the asphalt rippled and disintegrated with every impact. the Hulk bellowed, "But the Hulk is strongest there is! Me prove it! Me dumb. Me stupid. Me go the wrong way on a one-way street. Me knock you into the middle of the walls of the building across the alleyway!"
39  Joining the PTAbonnieDone2012/18/2004
     In it was an invitation to join the PTA. At first, I'd thought I'd died and gone to heaven. The Plutonium Transporters of America! They were famous for gigantic fund-raising fairs. In order to have lots of crafts to sell, they spent all year collecting all sorts of proof that the teachers weren't doing ther job.
38  Going to the County FairbettyDone2012/13/2004
    Insane with panic, I grabbed the blue ribbon watermelon and threw it as hard as I could at the red-faced perpetrator.
37  News at 11gregDone2012/8/2004
    As soon as they heard, they quickly lunged out the door, cameras and notebooks in hand. Moments later, they arrived at 10:55 with barely enough time to clip on their microphones and get in front of the camera.
36  Investigating VegetarianismbonnieDone2112/3/2004
    It was clear she wasn't going to eat hers either, so he reached over and grabbed the salad dressing, saying, "If I'm going to eat nothing but salad for lunch, I'm going to need more salt and pepper.
35  Boppy's Trip to TexasbettyDone2111/28/2004
    Everything tastes good in a tortilla! Meat, eggs, cheese, even chopped veggies mixed with ranch dressing, peanut butter, honey, butter, and more peanut butter. What could beat that?!! Now to wash our hands. Let's use this Spanish-English dictionary to figure out what the heck they're saying!
34  Dance ClassbonnieDone2111/23/2004
     First lift your right leg and touch your toes on the edge of the piano. We were lucky enough to have live piano music to dance to. Which makes sense, actually, because the piano player had sprained his ankle and couldn't show up.
33  The Minotaur KinggregDone2111/18/2004
     "Boy, this is sure going to blow my diet!" she said, " Get your armor on and sharpen your sword and let's go do some fighting, and then let's go do some laundry, because I'm sure you'll all agree we're starting to smell.
32  The Bizarre BazaarbonnieDone2011/13/2004
    And then I saw it: THE most tacky lamp I have ever seen! Of course I had to buy it! It would be the perfect gift for my pet gila monster, Scalie. Scalie loved gifts like this! She usually ate them. At a nearby table, I saw a bright red hula hoop left over from the 50's. What a find! I grabbed it quickly because I wanted to add it to my collection.
31  My Trip Around the WorldbettyDone2111/8/2004
    We laughed and laughed; Men wearing hula skirts! It was so funny. When they tried to dance, they ended up in the Taj Mahal, surrounded by furious Muslim imams! They were all holding uzis! The lead one proclaimed, "You have trespassed on holy ground, infidel, now you will put on your scuba gear because we are going underwater.
30  Downtown PrecinctgregDone2211/3/2004
    This is the roughest part of town, and I know it all too well. I'm Powers. Detective Max Powers. I'm the man. I'm YOUR man. I can get the job done.
29  Growing Up on a FarmbettyDone2110/29/2004
    And when you're done with that, go fetch us some more sweet tea.
28  The Dinosaur WorldbonnieDone2110/24/2004
    You can tell because the skin is so scaly and rough. Look how long the toenails are! Why they must be as long as a 50-foot garden hose!
27  Gardening with BettygregDone2010/19/2004
     It's a weed. So stomp on it! No, better yet dig it up with a little watering, fertilizing, and TLC, your garden will soon be overflowing with marijuana plants, and then you can make some REAL cashola! Especially if your own son is a pothead!! If you see one of these, pull it up!
26  On the Open RoadbonnieDone2110/14/2004
    she slurred with anger. "WHERE'S MY LUNCH!" Just then, Weldon appeared with a Rally's bag in each hand, giggling.
25  The International VillagebonnieDone2110/9/2004
    they jumped into the car and drove to the museum. They were so excited to see a dinosaur in the museum! Even though it was just the skeleton, somebody was scared. But then we realized: we were all scared. The forces of Hauptmann Gestapo were closing in, and Molly was really enjoying her Chinese Chop Suey.
24  Weekend in ParisgregDone2110/4/2004
    "Why, I oughta punch your red diaper doper baby lights out! You flamin' liberal French sissy. Go back into your cave and drink your cafe au lait. Next time I see you I will give you $20, but only if you can seat us in a better part of the restaurant.
23  Xander Goes ShoppingbettyDone229/29/2004
    He's all about quality, donchew know." We had to agree it was a good idea. But what to do next? And where to go next? I think we should go over to the hardware department and we can look for some Transformers! The ones that turn into a robot and then into a jet plane and then into the Toy Department again to see if anything was missing from the shelves.
22  Fart DictionarybonnieDone219/24/2004
    If that happens, the only thing you can do is blow it out with all your might. Then you will feel 100 % better. In fact, you will feel so good that you grab a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. The Galactic Fart: with this fart, it seems like farts are stinky all the time.
21  Boot CampgregDone219/19/2004
    See?" He demonstrated, and Private Munchausen said "I like to suffer, and I'm going to make you suffer too. 500 pushups on the double!"
20  Good Old Pop's Drive-inbettyDone219/14/2004
     But then it tasted like it came out of the dumpster! How could this be? Every other time the food had tasted fresh and good. Maybe it was because the cook turned out to be an ex-con. There was something dark and sinister about him.
19  Going Back to CollegebettyDone219/9/2004
    I looked up at Max and said, "Do you know what this means?" "Yeah." Max replied. "ALL NIGHT FRAT PARTY!!!!!!!!!!" At that, the proctor had a massive heart attack and fell over, dead.
18  If You Give a Mouse a CookiebonnieDone219/4/2004
     We ain't had nothin' to eat for three stinkin' days but this moldy bread. Yeah, and we need some meats! And to go with that some milk!"
17  Our Summer VacationbettyDone218/30/2004
     "How will we ever get all this mud off?" She whined. "Is anybody hurt?" I asked. "That was quite a steep waterslide! I don't think I want to go down that again! It scared me too much and when I got to the bottom, I hit a Honda Civic! But since I was in a Hummer, i just kind of rolled over him and kept on going."
16  Trapped in a MinegregDone218/25/2004
     There was a whole box of dynamite that someone had left behind. Hey maybe this will work out after all!
14  Our Visit to the LibrarybonnieDone218/15/2004
     It's our only chance!" We all looked at each other and silently agreed to lie down and take a nap in the shade of the old oak tree. He cried in anguish, "Can't you see we're trapped? It's our only chance!" We all looked at each other and silently agreed to lie down and take a nap in the shade of the old oak tree.
13  Stress Reduction TechniquesbonnieDone238/10/2004
     That was the only thing that worked for me to help me feel calm again, and it helped me also to feel sympathy for homeless people. So I immediately ran out and found one, and offered to share my nail polish with her.
12  My New Job at Burger KingbettyDone208/5/2004
    Then I had an idea: I sat down next to a customer and smiled. "I'm happy to be the one to tell you, you've just won a LIFETIME SUPPLY of Super-Sized Whopper Combo Meals!!!"
11  Cooking with GrandmabettyDone227/31/2004
    Boy, were they needing some more M&M's on top. And melted marshmallows. And chocolate sprinkles on top of that. "Hey," Betty called from inside, "Are those hot dogs ready yet?" I said, "Hot dogs? I thought we we were having T-bone steaks! What a bummer.
10  Ultimate NinjagregDone227/26/2004
    And again what is that POWER? It is the power of the universe! The power that enables the ULTIMATE NINJA to unleash hundreds if not thousands of punches and kicks upon any who opposed him. He spent the rest of his days travelling from town to town, teaching any who would listen, when he wasn't busy flipping out.
 Wall Street BluesgregDone227/16/2004
    It had been in business for 20 years, but it had to be demolished to make way for a Stop-n-Go. This was ordered by someone other than I! I would never want cream or sugar in my coffee. I want it black, black, black with extra coffee. Now, I also want all your money. I mean ALL of it. Hand it over or I will give you a million dollars in exchange for leaving the country and never mentioning this again!"
 Going into SpacebettyDone217/11/2004
    Sam explained, "they're almost as good as human researchers, but they get paid in cheese! Or these little wafers, made out of Soylent Green are so tasty, that the spaceship crew wanted to eat a whole galaxy. but its gravitational whirlpool had the power to leap tall builings in a single bound.
 Ye Olde Medieval DaysbettyDone217/1/2004
    As he drew nearer he saw to his horror, the king had been slain by a pack of eldritch blagglecruncheons! he cried, "Save me from the hallowed gallows! I will eat at your feet for the rest of my days!"
 Barrister the Lawyer CatbettyDone216/26/2004
     Barrister the Lawyer Cat sat behind his big mahogany desk and pondered about the court cases for the day. The first case was Wal-mart vs. Lord Elsington. Barrister's client, Lord E., was accused of stealing four little fur toys from Lord Elsington.
 The Big ConundrumbettyDone216/21/2004
     Standing in front of the new freshman class, the professor briefly studied each face.
 Woo baby!gregDone216/16/2004
     Considering his cache of armor, he chose a shield, a big one, because his heart was gripped with fear that he would become dragon food: flame-broiled, crispy baby back ribs smothered in a tempting and tasty blanket of spicy hot peppers and smothered in cheese!
 Big ComputergregDone186/11/2004
    In fact, the time was coming when all the Democrats would finally admit defeat and just fade away. Knowing this, Al Gore decided to end his obsession with bungee cord jumping. and as luck would have it, that was the one in which his cord broke. So, it was most certainly his last bungee cord jump.