Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022      When they bloom they will look as if they are marching, and when the neighbors see them, they will exclaim, " 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021      Just 2 more weeks and we will have an extra hour of daylight! I welcome that as much as I welcome having more hours of daylight to work outside in the yard, there's also something to be said for the comfort of a sherpa blanket. 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021     But just as I was ready to give up, around the corner came Santa Claus! He had an entourage of elves all singing "Here comes Santa Claus! Here comes Santa Claus!!" 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020     We apprehensively and slowly pulled back a drape and saw to our wonderment and dismay a large thunderstorm right in our path! How did it appear so suddenly? The pilot banked to avoid it but it seemed to swoop toward us, and in moments were were engulfed in the savory smells of Christmas dinner cooking! 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020      While waiting for the turkey to finished roasting, the oven twiddled its thumbs, wishing it had remembered to charge its phone. It takes a number of hours for a turkey to cook properly, and even an oven has limited power. 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019     Just don't be heavy handed with the instruments! Chip Davis paid a lot to assemble this plethora of instruments, and you -- what? Plethora. Plethora. No, it's a word that means a tornado probably came though overnight. Judging by the debris all over the front porch, I knew the next thing to do would be to install a charcoal filter. 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019      All I had left to do was type in my weight, and the computer quickly printed out a menu listing these choices: 1) Broiled troll leg with capers, 2) spicy troll soup with tortilla strips and shaved truffles, and 3) chopped troll with candied bacon bits and guacamole. 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     But that wouldn't stop us kiwis. We started foraging for firewood, and before long have a nice, big pile. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019     Maybe catnip would help. So I made a catnip tea and put out 2 bowls of it. After drinking their fill...woohoo! they then proceeded to let loose a tremendous battle cry, striking fear into the hearts of their enemies. Their fury was legendary, their strength and unity were more than we could contend with. 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019     He then went back to playing his video game, and I was left to my own devices as far as getting the electricity going again in the house. It was dark, I could not play my games, all in all, I felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck going 80 mph. 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019     It was truly a monumental day. Everyone was happy. Everyone was full of good food. And everyone vowed, "I won't stop until I get my revenge on you!" 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018     This was the moment the past several weeks had been building up to. woods or open fields? This was the moment of truth. 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018     It was probably fair to divide it evenly amongst the group, but Greg is definitely the strongest and would probably contribute more to global warming or maybe even global cooling. Who knows? Let's call up a Harvard professor and ask him if he knows why the room is glowing orange. 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018      Sure enough, there was a bunch of money in there! It's a good thing I went through it or I would have missed finding all those old plastic machine guns. Man! What a find! I think they should be displayed in the Alamo gift shop! Right next to all the boxes full of stuff ready to donate to the thrift store! 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018      Those guys in blue uniforms always know what to do! They just waltz in and crap on the floor. I've tried to explain to them that this is my floor and I'd really appreciate if they stopped crapping on it, but it's like talking to a more experienced person. 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018      It was transcendent. Mesmerized, we ate popcorn and drank beer while the spectacle continued. Eventually we ran out of mushroom booze. 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018     I think I will pick out a sweet little Donald Trump, the 45th president of the United States, wanted to meet Milo. All those Secret Service men! 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017     I walked up to them and said, "You're so nerdy and yet so down-to-earth at the same time. How do you achieve this appealing balance?" They replied, "We achieve it by a combination of blister cream and bandaids. And it works! 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017     They had lined their entire property with mirrors! "How strange," I exclaimed, as I tried to climb over the fence, but scintillating disco balls blinded me and I couldn't continue! 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      Imagine our surprise when we looked out the window and we saw snowflakes floating down from the sky. Some were clumped together, big and heavy, falling faster, so it seemed like they could probably walk down to the river if they put on heavy boots and around their necks they could wrap at least two hands around it! 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017     We finally decided to DIG IN! MMMM! DELICIOUS! I've been waiting for at least 60 minutes we were in a quandary of what to do... 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016     That's everything we need for assembling a Gatling gun! And just in time, too. Any minute now the UPS man will come down the street in his brown truck and deliver multiple packages full of those plastic air-filled cushions. 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016      Do I need to attend a focus group? And if I did, who would be there? Well, obviously Buzz, Moocher, Ace, The Kid, and Big Toot will be there. 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016      The pool party should be fun!" Of course there will be a need for towels to wipe up the floor after the shaving cream fight! Of course Xander won because he had the best aim, and because he also had the best laundry hamper in the whole building, word got around and students were constantly knocking on his door to see it! 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016      Look at that big dent! Why, it is as big as a polar bear! Or as big as they were before they let all the water out of the pool, they decided to wash the dog, so they soaped him up and then poured over him a bucket of chum in the backseat." 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016      "It's not real!" I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. she said gravely, "It is real." Irritated, I told her to quit telling me that the Stump Vine exists. "It's not real!" I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016      Would that really matter?? Yeah, probably would matter as much as Hillary Clinton is able to tell the truth. The last time that happened, everything ended up pink. 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016     And I will build it out of lots of catnip and wine. What a day we had!! But Winter is almost over!! In just a few days, we went home. So, all's well that ends well, and we ate cake and pie. However, I must add more hot if I'm going to have a snowball fight, I need to build a fort! 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     So besides vacuuming the whole house, we also decided to rearrange the chess pieces while she's not looking. 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016     It must have weighed two pounds. It almost covered the plate! Next to it was a plastic pot containing a pitiful plant, nearly dead from lack of internet service. When will it come back on?? 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016     Starting again with #1, I pledged to try again. Determined, I sat down and finally got to #10! I resolve to refrain from eating bowl after bowl of baked beans. 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015     but I had another secret credit card I could use. Aha! I started avidly looking for it, and found it just where I had hidden it: inside a box. And that box was hidden inside the computer tower! What a great hiding place! 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015      That's right. It turned over layer by layer as I rotated the barrel. I expected a bad odor, but all I smelled was the thick, sticky smoke from Stevens' smouldering burn pile. 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015      Leaning in close, she could see tiny maggots ! Horrible ! How did they get there? !! They must have come from the bottom of the fridge, behind puddles of spilled condiments and half-rotted vegetables. 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015      We need lots of colorful leaves, and lots of dog poop which was scattered here and there in our ditch. Also Roger Young seemed to be moving our boundary line in his favor. 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015      Who writes this stuff?? I wouldn't be surprised if the author was Mr. John James, former front man of Newsboys, another Aussie rock band which barely predates Dig Hay Zoose. sound of Newsboys that made them so distinct, now that DC Talk alumnus Michael Tait has replaced Peter Furler, unfortunately has largely aged well. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     I was satisfied with that, so then I sprayed the tomatoes with a solution to kill the blight. I found the recipe in a plant book: You mix beer, baking soda, and then add a cup of Miracle-Gro. 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     Yum! Freshly cooked potatoes, chopped onions, pickle relish, and I stirred it all up with 3 big dollops of sour cream. Add to that some bacon bits, green onions, and some shredded cheese, now you've got the perfect Greg Pizza. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015     too smart for me" !! I just gave up and started playing Soda Crush. A relaxing game that makes me feel insecure. 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     Zzzzzzz Garfield was asleep again. Odie was just staring at him and then he decided to wash & polish his motorcycle and get it all ready to take to Texas ! It was going to be a whirlwind adventure, scenic, and of course buying lots of tickets: to the movies, to the amusement park, and to go to the back of the bus where you can be alone so you can read your fortune cookie! 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015      Isn't real life reality enough? Instead they should think how they would feel in that situation. Only then can a person really have the courage to stand up before an audience and give a rallying speech. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     Grabbing my car keys, I hurried up to Lowe's to buy some mulch. It was on sale !!When I checked out I had bought so many bags, the total number came to 21. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015     The most delicious part is the unique combination of chocolate chips, coconut, chopped pecans, and held together by welded high-gauge wire. Exquisitely beautiful, on the very top, there balanced a gymnast who was trying out for the Olympics! But he was nervous! Sweat trickled down his leg and got on the beam, and when he took his next step, he closed his eyes and took the first bite. 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     My dearest hope is that everyone will be responsible and keep their hands at the 9 o'clock and 3 o'clock positions on the steering wheel as they are driving their golf balls across the pitted rock dome, the sun started to set, and severe angst caused them to sit and have some pie and cookies. 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015     They don't accept senior citizens, teenagers, or Discover Card. Oooooooooo. They don't accept senior citizens, teenagers, or Discover Card. But, noooooo oooooooooo. Oooooooooo. They don't accept senior citizens, teenagers, or Discover Card. 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015     Those crazy kids need more medications for their birthdays! Each person gets to pick a teacher to go home with.....we pick Miss Bonnie! It's also hard to get anything posted on Facebook! Those crazy kids need more medications for their birthdays! 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     We are expecting at least 10,000 pounds of bacon being consumed at the synagogue open house. That's why we need to get a case of Champagne. When the crowd gets here, each person will be handed a bottle and with it they will proceed to decorate the room by sprinkling it everywhere: the carpet, the tables, the chairs were all covered with cat hair! 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014      Hmmm I think this destination would be a good choice: the unemployment line! My job sucks! I could scarcely do worse!" So the next morning try again. Every new day is a new chance to redeem all your failures of last year simply by giving yourself room to dream of the possibilities. 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014     "Uvula," I said, as I filled in the crossword puzzle. "Patina is the next clue," I pondered out loud, "9 letters, starts with a V." I looked around for help, and there, just out of reach, was just what I needed: more Scotch tape! 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014      Now what?! I went outside to get a fresh bucket of water, just in case it catches fire. With all the precautions in place, I threw caution to the wind and went for a spin in my Lamborghini Murcielago. sign because the fuzzy dize were blocking my view, and unfortunately the odor was overpowering. 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014     Well-stuffed tummies are definitely a part of Christmas: pot-bellied snowmen, Santa...all indicative of prosperity and feasting. 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     Bursting through the opening, they couldn't believe their eyes: the new wireless mouse was growing fur and teeth !!!! I stepped cautiously toward them, and suddenly they ran up the incline as fast as they could! 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014     I decided to name it: Double Rainbow All the Way Across the Sky! So intense! What does this mean? "CHEESE! CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!" Sheogorath bellowed, solving the mystery of his dazzling appearance. 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014      The sun shone white, high in the sky. Looking into the distance, I could see the splendor of the rising sun. It was brilliant! So much in fact that I had to cover my eyes with cucumbers slices. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014      We could have an all-nighter playing The Best Video Game of the Year! And I am sure they would all bring their own beer. Last time we had an all-night video game marathon, the beer alone cost me all the money I made mowing lawns all summer! 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     He gasped, and reached for his can of mace! Everyone dived under their seats, and immediately someone switched on the vacuum cleaner. But it was so loud, we couldn't hear the movie! "HEY!! SHUT THAT OFF!" I yelled. Then some other people also stood up, put their hands over their hearts, and with great gusto, they sang " 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     Hey! That's my peanut butter!! Gimme back my Game Boy !!! Don't you know I can punch you in your face! Take that! I ran away cackling like a slowly creeping snail and everywhere it went it gathered oodles of poodles and strudels with noodles. 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013     It smells like victory and then, when you least expect to find roly poly bugs in the flower pots. One must get rid of them by voting for the Republican candidate! 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     Good hygiene is always optional when skydiving. It's not like anyone can smell you at 10,000 feet! But by the time you finish your last task, you have run out of time and lost all your money causing you to giggle with delight. You know it's the little things in life that really matter, so go ahead and get an associate's degree in plumbing. 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     Some like it hot, some like it cold, some like it in the pot ten days old. Peter picked a peck of pickled quail eggs. The secret to winning the eating contest is, before the start bell sounds, separate out all the smallest lambs to put into the new Minecraft corral handily built by none other than Jack! 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     Then you will be safely high enough to escape the impending tsunami. We could see it coming it the far distance! It looked like a gigantic tortoise, heaving up out of the earth. Strange as this was, it only got weirder as relatively small automobiles started spilling out of its mouth. Unfazed, I looked down at my watch, and realized it was time for buying a new gas-guzzling SUV. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     "What?" I said. "I THOUGHT I saw a passenger carrying a suspiciously-shaped bag. 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     We were just about to open our second bottle when suddenly, hot marshmallow started oozing out around the oven door! "How much for a deep fat fryer big enough for a turkey?? We don't have time to cook it in the oven!!" He replied, "It would cost a bazillion dollars to cater Thanksgiving dinner to the whole town! 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     Then you will probably start to feel hungry enough to make yourself a big bowl of hot shut the hell up. When I heard that City of Heroes was in danger of shutting down, I got so mad that I slammed the door; the shock rattled the shelf and down to the floor fell a beaker full of precious golden rings. 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012     "Champagne?" The stewardess offered us complimentary drinks as bubbly as she was. Before anyone would take any of the glistening, tempting flutes, I barked, "NO. 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011      To begin with you need a plan and some money for new shelves. Not just any shelves, but the kind that are made of old rotten athletic shoes. I had dozens of them, piled everywhere! 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011     You are trying to pay me with counterfeit money! I am calling the cops! If you make one false move, I will take care of you by spiking the Christmas punch bowl with Jack Daniels! If you want to have a proper Tennessee smooth-sippin' holiday that's the only way." "NO WAY!" I retorted. 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     I will make a shield out of strips of flank steak. We'll marinate them in 4 ounces of gooey, green, groddy BRAINS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But by that point there must have been at least 1,000 zombies! They were now known to be in cahoots with the left wing red diaper doper babies. we are doomed...... 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     Then, we passed our box of clutter in a circle like Musical Chairs, and whoever ended up with the box, then that person had to chase the Fly Lady all over the room with a butterfly net. Unfortunately she could not bear to get rid of anything after all the decluttering, so she proceeded systematically to attack the zombies! 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009      Our story begins on a windy and cool, but bright, February day. This story is about a brown hat. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     Cheese and eat lots of crap pizza and drink cheap beer. After enough beer, even the crap pizza tasted like a chili cheese dog. A tall glass of lemonade would taste good after eating that Pop Burger, he was still hungry, so he ordered another one! 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008      I decided to get a second opinion. The new doctor examined me, and with a big smile on his face, said to me, " Boy are you in luck! Just today we got a whole shipment of dynamic proportions." Later the doctor decided to play some soothing music for his patients. 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007     Cool! and by then my hand was so sore from playing City of Heroes I had to take a break! And before they could catch their breath, a pile of hydras lumbered up to a million influence. Cool! and by then my hand was so sore from playing City of Heroes I had to take a break! 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007      Yes, everyone is America is playing my new video game. I'm gonna be rich! The bronze cuirass, the ebony greaves, and the helmet that was made out of nuclear waste collected from sea to shining sea. 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007     By then my blood is pumping, my head is cleared and I'm ready to spread the compost. Boy is it smelly! Hey I thought it was supposed to be odorless! Maybe it stinks because I was supposed to pick up a truckload of hardwood bark mulch from the nursery. But the truck bed was full of big fat earthworms--so big and fat that they looked like mashed up tatters of former flowers. 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007     mixed with cables, network cards, and little plastic bags of ICs of every conceivable kind. It was the worst jumble of all, so I hid under the table and waited patiently. Soon, too soon, I heard steps creeping up the stairs, and into my new tech room burst Martha Stewart! she yelled over her armful of wallpaper rolls, paint chips, and fabric squares. 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006      Then she pushed me down onto a bench, and she said in a very loud voice, " Do! A deer! A female deer! Re! A golden drop of perspiration gently made a rivulet down my forehead and off the tip of my spoiler! That's how slippery this car is. 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006      I got the diagnosis back from the doctor... I was going to need surgery. This would be the first time I'd ever been operated on. 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     Rogers, of Mr. Rogers Windows! "Hey folks! I'm Mr. Rogers of Mr. Rogers Windows! Did you know that poor-quality windows could cost you a bundle in heating bills? That's why I always read the Dilbert cartoon as soon as I get to work. That turns out to be the best part of the day for me because he makes me feel like I'm in control of my financial destiny. 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006     I could the pressure building in my lower abdomen. If I waited any longer I would poop on myself! So I turned around and I rushed toward the massive oak tree in order to hide behind it. 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006      Actually it is harder than quantum physics! That's why one time I was talking to Dr. Stephen Hawking and he said "Isn't that something! Isn't that something! We started laughing hilariously and we had to enunciate to be understood. 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006      I could hear the sound of sleigh bells coming from the roof! Could it be? Would I really get to see Santa Claus??? We rushed to the roof and searched for hoofprints in the snow, but all we found were stale, broken gingerbread cookies from last year. 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005     Please don't eat me! I promise to stay out of your way, and believe me, you'll never know that I used a degreazor! It looks brand new! It's so sparkly, it must be alive! 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005     I asked, and they said please to take our seats immediately! The maestro was heading down the center aisle was Hulk Hogan! he howled, and the audience began to shuffle their feet with boredom. That restless sound soon reached the top balcony, where our VIP seats were. 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005      I wasn't the one driving, and I was petrified as I sat there in the passenger seat (on the left side). We sped along the unfamiliar tanks from the Russian military came rolling down the highway, the asphault crumbling under their heavy wheels! I sure didn't want to end up there! 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005     That's the last time I'm ever going to IHOP!" Thoroughly disgusted, we threw up our arms and shouted, "THIS STORE SUCKS!!" 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005     at least, he *would* be a customer if he ever made up his mind and ordered something. I tried not to smirk when the customer called me "Luv". I knew she was from Guinea, especially when she proceeded to order a Whopper...oops, this is McDonald's!!! 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005     I'm good at that!! Cackling evilly, I carved scary faces into all the pumpkins in the patch! Then all the seeds and pulp I threw into the back of my Dodge Ram pickup truck. What a load! Now, the only thing left to do is pick up all the pumpkins, and give them to eat whatever was left and that would be, of course, at least a dozen doughnuts! 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015     Put them together and what have you got? woo boo -boo-boogaloo, boo-boo-boogalo! Put them together and what have you got? Get lose, you cannot compare with my powers. woo boo -boo-boogaloo, boo-boo-boogalo! 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005     Would it help if I released the emergency brake? She smiled sweetly and pushed the button that sent them all hurtling into a black hole. No light speed??? Would it help if I released the emergency brake? She smiled sweetly and pushed the button that sent them all hurtling into a black hole. 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005     I breezed through the first half, and then my heart sank as the teacher chided loudly, "NO, NO, NO...you're doing it wrong!" Well, let's just say I was completely mortified and felt a burning desire to shove the monitor off the table and just leave. But I didn't do that; instead, I started tearing pages out of my computer manual and folding them into paper airplanes and launching them around the room. 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     You should decorate it with a little truffle trifle." "Eww!" I exclaimed. "Truffles smell like sweaty gym socks. They also will alleviate constipation, especially for people who eat a lot of pasta! This is so versatile, you can even use it to shell hard-boiled eggs. 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005      You know pictures speak louder than words. Then when I was busy in the kitchen, the twins drew on the calendar too. 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005      They won't lay eggs with all this noise! When I go out to check the nests I might be surprised to find my neighbors have switched from listening to rap music to classic. 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005     Squish. We immediately had a flat tire! And I know it was because we ran over a speed bump that was so big, the front end of the car shot into the air! We were leaning back like astronauts! 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005     They were going so fast, the asphalt was melting. The pavement started to get sticky, and that made the tires start to melt. I panicked at first until I learned my suit was really fireproof. 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005      And when you go be sure you ask the customer service person there, how to install a low-flow toilet. They save so much water, and they work just as well as the traditional kind. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005     I could eat them all day, breakfast lunch and dinner. That's why I always go to the salad bar. 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005      But who's counting, really? Sitting in the hot sun, sipping sweet tea and making fun of the junker cars that drove up was worth at least $100. 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005      But that would cause the enemy to unleash the entirety of his airforce!! The noise of the numberless engines would shake the earth. We would look out to the horizon and see all our parachutes flying out the window! 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005     This is why I never go into CompUSA unsupervised." I nodded, and added, " Boy! Am I a Dork! Can you tell that I am a MENSA member? My IQ is higher than my weight." "Oh really? she said with a wink. Great googlely-mooglely...that was just about the nicest thing anyone had ever said! 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005      "It's good for us to keep a copy of your dental records and a listing of all intimate encounters you've had for the past 2 years." "What??" I exclaimed. "Why would I need to order x-rays? Clearly the problem is an occluded colon. This sort of thing happens if you don't eat enough fiber, and then load up on cheese pizza. 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     What a mess that would be! And it would freak out the cats and cause them to fall. But I wouldn't worry too much because cats always are hungry. Like Confucious say, "Cat never full." 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005      This has to be done very carefully! If you don't do it correctly, you will have me to deal with!" With that, we all started booking the wallpaper so the glue would prep correctly. Five minutes later the glue had hardened like week-old oatmeal. 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005     We were all standing around when the septic tank pumper truck pulled up. "I understand you need a staple gun to finish that project. and it will also help you store things." After all that hard work, the value of the property went up so much I got an offer I couldn't refuse, and I moved into a condo. 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005     As a Space Marine, you'll have a 40mm shoulder-mounted plasma thrower, 30cm vibroblade, and of course a standard simple telephone table is all that you need. It should be made out of chrome-vanadium and titanium. 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005      Then it felt much better. Reaching for the throw-up bag would be a good idea. 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005     Because I'm Mr. Moneybags, and I want more of your money; so invest in my new scheme or I will promptly sign your autograph with an elaborate flourish. 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005     Take them out and smile with satisfaction at that golden-brown glazed finish! 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005     Because people will notice and say "He's all about style! How cool is that?" I'll tell ya; it's VERY COOL. 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005     He, with furrowed brow, and she, petulant, continued to argue over which was the best sweetener. 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005      I had lost my third game of shuffleboard! What to do? I think I should sit out the next one and work out a new lodging arrangement. 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005      My face was reddening by the second. Before much longer I would surely be able to flush it all down with this high-flow toilet! I pushed the lever and water erupted from the white platform. That's when I realized: it was a giant bidet! 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005     He was irritated. Calmly, she answered, "I'm thinking if we ate nothing but lettuce and skim milk for a month we may look good for the St. 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005     Lieutenant Leotard and his gymnastic Cadre of Doom were attacking the Mars Landing Base. Bam! Bam! The rockets landed with a great sound like a car crash! But it was the dishes, falling on the kitchen floor because the kids were up on the counter trying to get their own breakfast! 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005      Now what? There was only one solution: activate the fleet of snowmobiles! Racing to the garages, we poured out bag after bag of cat litter in order to absorb the neutrons from the nuclear fission reaction. 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005      We loaded up on sunscreen and popsicles, and took off! Beach, HERE WE COME! We were almost there when great hailstones began falling from the sky. Why they were huge! They were as big as beanbag chairs! 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005     I'll be dragging my behind after I finish all this shopping. and buy a notepad for myself, so I can write down a list of people to whom we must send boxes of processed cheese and hard sausages. We must get those orders out right away! 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005     Why do I have to wear that hideous dress? Can't you see that it is too cold in here for a swimsuit shoot! Blue lips are not sexy!" Crying, she moaned, "Why me? 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005      Will I be a n00b for the rest of my life? None of this makes sense to me. To help me I think I'll ask the bartender. "What do you recommend?" He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment before stomping on the gas pedal and screaming out of the parking lot like a bat out of H-E-double hockey sticks. 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005      Give one to the director. Here, put this one in his pocket!" I considered that, but decided it would be better to just hand it to him and let him put it in his pipe and smoke it. He doesn't deserve half the credit he's getting on this dig, and I intend to catalog every single piece of bone that I can find unlike the other slacker diggers who every day haphazardly would just come along, completely disregarding any scholarly integrity, and REFILL the holes with dirt from various random locations , because we couldn't seem to find a single location that met all our criteria for what we had in mind for the recruitment ad. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005      Yikes! Get out of the way! We scrambled in a hurry and landed on big pile of garden hoses! Struggling to stand up, and feeling very awkward, I went in the women's bathroom because the men's was out of order and I really, really needed to go to the bathroom again! 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005      This should remind you of the pleasure of eating. anymore! Or in the children's section! You can finally eat whatever you please, whenever you please, even if it means you see the number on the scale go up one! 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005     That's why I needed an expert carpenter. Once you start getting creative you can envision new shapes for rooms. 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005     Therefore most ninjas tend to sleep only 2 hours at a time. 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005      Step up to the table and tell me your party affiliation, if you don't mind." I answered, "As a matter of fact, I do have clean hands and a pure heart, and I have not lifted up my hand to vote for John Kerry. Can you do better than that?" 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005      Yeah, and how about that possum! Always eating all their expensive IAMS and bowls of sugar! SUGAR! Right there next to the hill! We couldn't believe it! Such a concentration of food in such close proximity! Immediately we set to bringing it into the nest. 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005     and waved the water hose in a circle over his head, splashing water on everyone nearby, including customers, classmates, and the whole board of supervisors joined in to hold hands, circle around, and sang Ring Around the Rosy. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005      Now I was really thankful for those ballet lessons. My new flexibility was a great asset to my health. I thought it was worth a try, so I plugged in some batteries and turned it on. Lights started flashing red, white, and blue! It was the Presidential Parade! 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004     Russell used some when he worked at Busch; let's call him." So we called Russell to check out the buckets of unknown substance in the far corner. He stuck his face near, took a deep smell, and yelled, "I know exactly what it is! It's American cheese that you saved to see if it would decompose!" 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004      Rip! Russell screeched, and yelled, " IT MUST BE SOMEWHERE, BUT WHERE?!" 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004     "This PTA is disbanded. All your children will be going to Christian charter schools from now on!" The parents cheered while the teachers groaned. 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004      Look behind you!" He turned around, and suddenly, "NINJA!" and the party continued into the wee hours of the morning. Of all the nerve! 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004      Frantically, the police captain called a temp agency. They worked around the clock sweeping all the flood waters out of the newsroom. Needless, to say, all the sound equipment was choked with papers that had been discarded right out the window. 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004     We don't eat meats! Can't you get that straight?!! It's been 4 stinkin' decades since we had meats! We don't need meats; we need only add a little herbs and spices, and no one will ever guess. 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     Allow me to remedy this gross inconsistency at once. With that, I began devouring the comestibles with great vigor. "Gross is right, if you're going to put salsa on your breakfast burrito, the eggs should not be runny! Don't eat that, instead, try my 16-ounce prime rib! 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004      Which makes sense, actually, because the piano player had sprained his ankle and couldn't show up. So we played a boom box until the windows started to tremble. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004     I whispered back, "Now's our chance!" We carefully snuck around until we were right behind him, and with one swift movement, I lunged with my scimitar. It slid between the scales of the Minotaur King's armor and plunged deep into its side. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004      That's very nice," I said, smiling. "No thanks." I tried to be polite but firm. No one in his right mind would ever think of charging $100 for an old rug! "I'm not paying that much!" I told him! he waved me away as he threw his creaky voice back over his shoulder. 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004      It will be so cool to see from above the blackened scars in South America caused by the burning of the rain forests. Then we'll go to the Amazon River and see how much Avon we can sell to the natives. 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004     That's the way we do things around here. And sometimes I had to bash some heads to make it happen. 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004      We had a hard time because he was so fat. The fat seemed to absorb the knockout juice. But we succeeded when we gave him a big dose of what for! we chortled. "Next time you'll know better! Now y'all get on up-par and feed the horses." 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004      How soft and green was the bed of moss along the bank. But suddenly we heard a loud rushing! Coming straight toward us was a giant footprint in the mud. 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004      Hello, and welcome to Gardening with Betty! I'm your host, Betty! Today we're going to look at these ivys. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004      Weird! He must have deafened himself with the loud engines he was working on. 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004     "We have a very serious problem the trucking company just delivered 500 pounds of pork chops to the Jewish banquet hall. There is pandemonium over there, and right now we are in dire need of a plan, a strategy, to bring down the tyrannical International Village, despite our being heavily outmanned and outgunned." 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004     If she laughs any louder my brain is going to slide out of my ears in long, thin slices." his friend said. "You must really like french fries! 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004     The ones that turn into a robot and then into a jet plane and then into the Toy Department again to see if anything was missing from the shelves. YES! There in the space where the Spiderman costumes used to be were stacked piles of DVDs of Return of the King, Platinum Series Edition. 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004      In fact, you will feel so good that you grab a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. The Galactic Fart: with this fart, it seems like farts are stinky all the time. I don't know why I have to smell them when I'm in the same room with one. 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004     "A spoiler, chromed blower, and a fire-engine red paint job!" I exclaimed, beaming. "And I just might get it, too, it's just what I need in my tent when we go camping out in the woods. In the middle of the night, I can get it out and use it to help me steal hot dogs from the mess hall. 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004     I went up to get a soda refill, but this guy was something else! I'd never seen anyone look so angry! 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004     They don't want work! Kids these days, they just want--errgkhh..." At that, the proctor had a massive heart attack and fell over, dead. I looked up at Max and said, "Do you know what this means?" 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004      We want CHEESE!! We ain't had nothin' to eat for three stinkin' days but this moldy bread. Yeah, and we need some meats! And to go with that some milk!" And if you give him some milk, he will lap it up very delicately all the while holding his little pinky high in the air. 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004      "How will we ever get all this mud off?" She whined. "Is anybody hurt?" I asked. "That was quite a steep waterslide! I don't think I want to go down that again! It scared me too much and when I got to the bottom, I hit a Honda Civic! 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004      And my pup tent. In case it rains. And that's ALL I NEED! And this chair. And that's ALL I NEED. And this dead battery. And this rock. 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004      We want to know all about them so we can write a report. This report must be written on the subject of underwater basket weaving. The professor was from the country of Mexico, from the country of India, from the country of China. "Why does everything have to be ethnic? 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004      You are so getting on my nerves! I think you should focus on your breathing. That is an excellent way to direct energy. Positive in through the nose, negative out through the chimney and up, up, the explosion launched debris 30 feet into the air. 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004      They must have accumulated for years! Here, take this old spatula and whack the back of the head of any customers who don't agree to 'super-size' their combos." 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004     And wash 'em down with a tall glass of chocolate milk. A month later, when we got a craving for them again, all we had to do was pull some extra we'd saved out of the freezer! Boy, were they needing some more M&M's on top. 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004      Now what? His weapons were locked in the cabinet and he had lost the key! Too bad. Well he would just have to use his fisticuff expertise. He stood his ground and watched the arch enemy spin and shrivel, whirling ever faster, ever smaller, energy bursts zinging out into the air until all the life force and all the mass had moved to the back of his neck. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004     I would never want cream or sugar in my coffee. I want it black, black, black with extra coffee. Now, I also want all your money. I mean ALL of it. Hand it over or I will give you a million dollars in exchange for leaving the country and never mentioning this again!" 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004      Now what?!! "I guess we will have to get out those old-fashioned space suits. What bummer!" So they hurried to put on their Superman underwear, because it was as inspiring as nothing else is. 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004      Their living quarters were made out of popscicle sticks, painstakingly glued together, then painted with multicolor butterflies swarmed through his brain. he exclaimed. "I have a demon in my castle tower. I think I will unleash him upon my evil enemy, the Earl of Sandwich!" 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004      What was happening?!! Here was the judge, jury, attorneys, the whole court coming into his store! We are going to get this matter settled once and for all, said the judge as he beckoned Lord Elsington to even higher status within the SSBC: Secret Society of British Cats. 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004      That wall of fatigue that just suddenly hits you when you've eaten salmonella-laden salad at Ponderosa Steak House. The you have to absolutely rush to get to the place. 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004      Guess I will have to stop laughing so hard at your funny eulogy. I mean, he didn't even mention the name of the deceased! 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     Greg nodded slowly and deliberately as he reached for the Ovaltine. When he opened the cabinet, Lo, and behold, he found his missing bottle of pills.