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Story IDTitleCreatorStatusNum EntriesDate Finished
174  Springtime in VirginiabettyDone2212/27/2022
    Where did we land? We landed right in a big pile of dry leaves! The pleasant earthy smell of po-tay-toes! Boil em, mash em, stick inna stew! which reminds me I haven't eaten a meal yet today. Hmmm... I think I would like some more lilacs, because they smell so good. I can plant them one by one all lining the sidewalk.
173  Daylight Saving Time !bettyDone234/21/2021
     It is so cozy and wraps you in fuzzy warmth and makes you feel as if you might not have washed these pants as well as you should have. Something stinks, and it's not the flowers.
172  A Winter Day in the WildernessbonnieDone222/15/2021
     He recognized that sound. Infuriated, he snorted, and the breath was visible in the cold air. The hills echoed with his bellow of rage, and remnants of soft verses of Psalmic peace. I was at a loss. How should I feel?
171  Oh, the weather outside is frightful...bettyDone2212/31/2020
     Actually, it's an introvert's dream, this whole solitary isolation business. Nobody ever bothers you, and you have basically infinite free time. If you're into meditation, make sure you have a cup of coffee ahead of time so that you don't accidentally slip on a patch of ice and land face-first in a pile of freshly driven icy cold snow causing me to feel the need to call the airline and confirm my flight hadn't been cancelled.
170  The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!bettyDone231/13/2020
     Oh boy, the house smelled so good from Xander's fresh baking bread to the roasting turkey. Winston walked into the kichen and he immediately started to thaw it.
169  A Breath of Fresh AirbonnieDone2211/15/2019
    motion across his neck. Unfortunately, he didn't understand that you're supposed to take a deep breath first. So when he tried to gather up the magnolia leaves, the tree started rustling,he looked up and an avalanche of leaves came tumbling down!
168  Toiling at 3 a.m.bettyDone2210/13/2019
    And? sometimes I want to hug somebody. And? And? sometimes I want to hug somebody. We steeled our resolve and And? And? And? sometimes I want to hug somebody.
167  The Reckoning of the KiwisxanderDone227/28/2019
     Plus a thick milkshake made with real ice cream and in addition a dollup of fairy dust. Yeah, like actual dust from a fairy, we couldn't believe it. A little dude with wings showed up with a handful of sparkly crap. Anyway, it backfired horribly: we were just covered in kiwi fruit puree and crushed red cherries and pineapple.
166  Somebody's Gotta Do It !bettyDone227/8/2019
     First I get a shower then wipe down the cats, and as for VoilaLeiya... I am sending her back to the manufacturer! Sending *IT* back. This was the most disappointing robotic vacuum I had ever used. 1 star! It got caught on everything!
165  I love Thunderstorms !bettyDone216/10/2019
     Indeed, thunderstorms are a dramatic immersion for the senses. Even the air felt electrified. The soft hair on my arms was lifting up! My scalp was tingling! And the popping in my ears was like I had never felt before !
164  Wrapping those Christmas Presents !bettyDone231/9/2019
    It was truly a monumental day. Everyone was happy. Everyone was full of good food. And everyone vowed, "I won't stop until I get my revenge on you!" It was then I finally realized as I reflected on everything that had happened, that this had truly been the best Christmas ever!
163  Let's Set Fire to the WoodsxanderDone2112/7/2018
    It's a long way from here, so we'd better get started!" With that, everyone looked around to be sure nobody was watching when they dumped their camping garbage into the fast flowing river.
162  Some Kind of AdventurexanderDone239/10/2018
     Bewildered by so many things we had never encountered before, we knew this was only the beginning of the end. Streaking fire fell from the sky, and portals opened in the earth, from which spilled the uncountable, writhing forms of extradimensional creatures.
161  That Garage !bettyDone228/9/2018
     It's a good thing I went through it or I would have missed finding all those old plastic machine guns. Man! What a find! I think they should be displayed in the Alamo gift shop! Right next to all the boxes full of stuff ready to donate to the thrift store! I felt soooo proud!
160  I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?bettyDone248/3/2018
    And I could become friends with all the nice men in the cute orange jumpsuits who were already out there in the wild blue yonder. Anyway I also thought Bill Miller's Barbecue might be a good place to work.
159  A large, healthy tuft of stump grassbonnieDone227/18/2018
    Sure, it can be tough, but once the chainsaw got involved, there was great danger! We protected our eyes and ears with homemade insecticide, made with vinegar, water, and a tablespoon of Miracle-Gro should do the trick I also thought a little pruning would help, so I pulled out of my pocket my pair of tweezers.
158  Cleaning up after Milo the MousebettyDone217/11/2018
    "Stand back!" But Boppy exclaimed, "I can't kill it if I've named it!" No one could argue with that. But here's another question: if you've named a mouse Milo, can you ever set out a mousetrap for him?
157  Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA CampusbettyDone227/6/2017
    Sure enough, I found one. I walked up to them and said, "You're so nerdy and yet so down-to-earth at the same time. How do you achieve this appealing balance?"
156  San Antonio VacationgregDone225/27/2017
    But at the same time we would attempt to eat one hot pepper each. The winner would be able to do it with the least amount of elbow grease....and what a relief that was! Because who wants a elbow smothered in 100% maple syrup that was imported from Vermont.
155  Will That Snow Ever Melt? !bettyDone212/5/2017
    Ain't that something! We could use the snowblower we borrowed from Danny.
154  Different Pizza ToppingsgregDone211/11/2017
    We finally decided to DIG IN! MMMM! DELICIOUS! I've been waiting for at least 60 minutes we were in a quandary of what to do...
153  But I don't want to!bonnieDone2011/13/2016
     The best thing to do is take a minute to evaluate the situation, then decide which size pizza to order, the giant 18-inch, or should we order the small instead of the large? You don't want to get stuck with too much time on our hands, we decided just to go shopping.
152  We Need More Enthusiasm !bettyDone2210/16/2016
     There were so many that we didn't know where to look! I told everybody, "Just remember how we rehearsed it: Keep smiling and always brush your teeth before you do.
151  Xander's New Dorm RoombonnieDone219/9/2016
    It must be a family of enthusiastic UTSA alumni! They're delighted with the constant flow of free T-shirts, hors d'oeuvres, gift bags, and lanyards with name tags that say, " Welcome to Engineering Country!Now proceed into the Student Center where you will be issued a tote bag full of water guns.
150  Trying to Keep Cool !bettyDone228/20/2016
     Have you no respect for running into the back of me?? Look at that big dent! Why, it is as big as a polar bear! Or as big as they were before they let all the water out of the pool, they decided to wash the dog, so they soaped him up and then poured over him a bucket of chum in the backseat."
149  The Stump VinebonnieDone214/26/2016
    I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. she said gravely, "It is real." "It's not real!" I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. she said gravely, "It is real." Irritated, I told her to quit telling me that the Stump Vine exists.
148  LaundrycolleenDone204/2/2016
    My mind started going through all the things I could be doing instead: playing Minecraft, watching Youtube videos, I could even see the stains had all but disappeared! What a great product! And the name of it was " Your dearest wish come true." Oh!
147  It's snowing!!!colleenDone292/22/2016
    it was actually mighty spicy!! However, I must add more hot if I'm going to have a snowball fight, I need to build a fort! And I will build it out of lots of catnip and wine. What a day we had!! But Winter is almost over!! In just a few days, we went home.
145  Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!bettyDone212/5/2016
    With its comfortable grip and good balance and accuracy, this pistol would be a good choice for wearing on the plane. Remember it gets cold on the plane, so you would probably need to holster it."
144  Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!colleenDone201/10/2016
    That was effective, and I was able to get on with my work selling potholders door to door.
143  Resolutions for the New Year !bettyDone221/9/2016
     First I took a personality test and I turned out to be an introvert. So I thought I would work on that and turned to the person next to me, and I said to him "
142  Ordering Online Christmas Presents !bettyDone2112/14/2015
    Merry Christmas!" Or you can say, " Pay for it with my Discover Dollars!! Woo hoo!!" It's like free money!! and who would that be? !! That would be SANTA!! The only one who delivers more Christmas presents than UPS! But you know he needs all the help he can get, and you can help by registering all your information on the website, so every time from then on you won't have to type in your office on your clicky-clacky IBM keyboard from 1981.
141  Dual CompostersgregDone2112/13/2015
    I think I will put it on the level ground. Last time, I situated my composter on a hill. I bet you can figure how that turned out. That's right.
140  Deli BolognagregDone2211/28/2015
    and proceeded to have a coughing fit that lasted for approximately 20 seconds. Then everything continued as before, except, curiously, one boy on a skateboard crashed through the Deli's plate glass window and he landed in the bin of expired fruit.
139  Getting Ready for Fall !bettyDone2110/29/2015
    he yelled over the noise of the plane's engines. "Now get ready for the fall!" He roughly shoved me toward the edge of the precipice. Talk about getting ready to fall! Getting ready for falling? Thinking fast, I ran down the hill trying to stay ahead of the rolling pumpkin.
138  SlatheragegregDone219/16/2015
    Gentlemen generally do. An agent of change, a giant of his generation, a real genius, the General led by example: a true gem. All he had to do was gesture and we got the gist.
137  Growing Those Tomatoes !bettyDone218/1/2015
    And Danny exclaimed, " They're HUGE!" Unexpectedly, the plants were hit with a terrible blight which quickly made them perk up.
136  Midnight snackcolleenDone216/11/2015
    They were rude, slovenly, and told rambling, barely-coherent stories about parasites. You should be careful about what you watch on TV before you go to bed. It might give you bad breath and terrible indigestion.
135  That New Smart PhonebettyDone226/10/2015
    Like the time when he says, "I'm sorry but your son-in-law has cancelled your phone service.
134  NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THISgregDone246/3/2015
    It must have been Mr. Carrington, the newspaper deliveryman! He was known for being obnoxious to the nth degree. Everyone was gathering into little groups to avoid talking to him.
133  Why me!?!!colleenDone236/3/2015
    and sure enough, an F5 tornado appeared out of nowhere and destroyed the whole town and everyone in it, including us. Dang it. Then we'll get a PS4. and sure enough, an F5 tornado appeared out of nowhere and destroyed the whole town and everyone in it, including us.
132  Backyard ProjectsbettyDone225/28/2015
     It was on sale !!When I checked out I had bought so many bags, the total number came to 21. Three rows of seven each. That arrangement is perfect for the high school piano recital.
131  Cupcakes!colleenDone225/26/2015
    It was a cupmeatcake. But we weren't done yet! Next we put the pastel cupcake wrappers in the muffin pan and put it in the larger mixing bowl. I wanted the batter to stay fluffy, so very gently I hollowed out each cupcake and spooned in a mixture of soft serve ice cream, grated coconut, ground-up Kit-Kat bars, and wet walnuts.
129  Climbing Enchanted RockbettyDone215/2/2015
    Red clothes will set it off so, be sure to take the time to look around and enjoy the scenery.
128  I Need to Take a Trip !bettyDone224/16/2015
    It was so hot! It made me want to go to San Antonio, Texas to visit Bonnie, Chad, Xander, Ethan, and their dog named all the cats in the neighborhood: "Stinky", "Spazzy", "Sissy McWeepington", "Sir Pukesalot", etc.
127  Bonnie's New Tutoring JobbonnieDone274/16/2015
     It's hard to work through meal time! Using all that brain power was very draining. I could use a pepper-upper! Maybe there is something in the staff refrigerator I could sample.... Sure enough...I opened the door and found a cup of Whoop-Ass! I immediately picked it up and threw it at him!
126  Getting Ready for New Year's EvebettyDone222/18/2015
    Popular Science, Popular Mechanics, Family Handyman, as well as buckets of confetti, streamers, and plenty of loud outfits that we got from the thrift store. They were cheap, but smelled like peppermint cocoa....yum !!
125  New Year's ResolutionsbonnieDone2212/24/2014
    So the next morning try again. Every new day is a new chance to redeem all your failures of last year simply by giving yourself room to dream of the possibilities.
124  Get Those Presents Wrapped !bettyDone2212/24/2014
    I looked around for help, and there, just out of reach, was just what I needed: more Scotch tape! I looked in the different drawers to find some and in my search I found ten bottles of beer on the wall, ten bottles of beer!
123  We Need a Plumber !bettyDone2212/12/2014
     We found a small box, sealed to be watertight! How did that get there? It has to be Vodka! Sweet lifeblood of our glorious mother country, it falls like water from the skies and collects in pools. Children from the nearby village came running, naked, to dive into a particularly deep collection of sweet, sweet, silvery alcohol.
122  Christmas DecorationsbonnieDone2212/12/2014
    = Some guy in an elf costume! "HaHa! That's great!" I said, " Now I know my electric bill will go up!" I was kidding of course, but I knew now the county would surely waive the rule about no inflatables taller than 40 feet!
121  I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!bettyDone2111/28/2014
    Yes! It is possible and it will save your hands from getting that dreaded Ebola virus! Get away from me with those unwashed hands, those filthy clothes, those rock formations look suspicious."
120  The Great BeyondxanderDone219/21/2014
     T. I pity the fool! Quit your jibba-jabba! I ain't flying in no plane, you crazy alien from Mars! How did you get here? I bet you traveled on a expired visa! Bad boy! Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? I'm talking about the ICE, of course, and they don't have space suits safe enough to last over 6 months on Mars.
119  Summer bonnieDone209/21/2014
    It was brilliant! So much in fact that I had to cover my eyes with cucumbers slices. This spa was my favorite. It boasted a supersize Beefsteak tomato that must have weighed 10 pounds each.
118  Best Video Game of the Year !bettyDone228/15/2014
    How it had gotten in there I'll never know. Anyone with half a brain should know better than to listen to loud rap music while playing such an intense video game! Why if I had not been concentrating, my handsome hero would surely have fallen into debt.
117  The best movie EVER!!!colleenDone217/18/2014
    they were yelling. "Union forever!" I was appalled and could not watch a minute more; in fact, I just stood up and shouted, " Kill it, kill it, KILL IT!!!!!" I was beginning to freak out a little because it was quite large, ugly AND smelly!
116  What I Saw When I Took A Walk IIgregDone235/28/2014
    But this time I decided just to enjoy the moment. Off in the distance, I noticed reflected from the street lamp, 2 yellow eyes staring at me.
115  You know...bonnieDone2311/10/2013
     Nearby there was a lurking police car. People should know better than to cook a bowl of noodles for lunch in the middle of defeating the giant cave troll, I found I needed quickly to scrub that off before it stained.
114  Whatever is on your mind !bettyDone2410/27/2013
    Quick!! Get on him, before he prepared the meal. Good hygiene is always optional when skydiving.
113  Nursery RhymegregDone2210/24/2013
    It only takes a spark to get a fire going so they could have a giant Humpty-Dumpty omlette!
112  Global Warming !bettyDone268/19/2013
    We went to the dealership, looked into the showroom, and we saw a brand spanking new Interstellar G9X Ion-Charged Singularity Accelerator. This thing could wipe out a whole solar system. To ensure it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands, I wrapped it in brown paper, tied it up with twine, and hid it in the attic.
110  Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !bettyDone224/19/2013
    My mouth began to water and I ran for the ramp for the plane, but just as I reached it, they started pulling up the stairs, and then I loudly screamed, "
109  ThanksgivingbonnieDone1912/19/2012
    Now doesn't a bacon Philly cheesesteak sound good right now instead of an ol' plastic one.
108  I Blew Up My Lab!gregDone2110/26/2012
    I figured I would clean it up with the blood of my enemies! And occasionally a strawberry Yoo-hoo. Or sarsaparilla. Grenadine! Straight from the can! Deee-licious! Now I am going to mix it all up in my new blender. Ooops! I forgot to put on the lid!
107  Christmas Shopping IIIbettyDone212/11/2012
    It's actually going to be a Midnight Madness Sale and we will certainly be going to it and after that we want to get a bite to eat at the newly opened wormhole in the fabric of space!"
106  Let's Organize Your Garage !bettyDone227/25/2011
    Now also watch out for jugs of dirty car oil, because if you were to accidentally kick one over, your foot would probably end up kicking the butt of somebody who just wandered into your garage and started messing everything up. And when you do, tell him, ' Stop spilling used cat litter on the garage floor!'"
105  Christmas Shopping IIgregDone212/24/2011
    With that out of the way, I decided to take a break and get some tinsel to throw on the tree. I could only find silver of course. I took the strands out of the bag and placed them one by one on the shooting gallery. Kids paid $1 to take turns using an Airsoft rifle to try and knock them down.
103  Zombie Attack!gregDone226/10/2010
    That dern zombie took a chunk out of my arm and I can barely keep my eyelids open! The reason must be that I ate too much brains!
102  The Art of DeclutteringbettyDone218/4/2009
    The best teachers for this activity are female ! But that's OK! As a male, I know how to get things done.
101  The hathood of the traveling brown hat.rhondaDone213/20/2009
    Now we could afford to add several egret feathers and even a boa to the brim of the traveling brown hat. But to attach them, we needed to use our most skulky ninja tactics in order to get the brown hat to its next destination.
100  The Nephews come to VisitgregDone2212/9/2008
     My two nephews came to visit! I hadn't seem them in a long time. It was really great to see how much taller they had become. Why their two heads reached all the way to the moon and back. Our first order of business was to hide in the bushes and squirt everybody who walked by with a big dose of NyQuil.
99  Laser Eye SurgerygregDone2010/3/2008
    Just how do you intend to take out the eyeball and lay it on the cheek just long enough to read the eye chart perfectly. Better than perfect, in fact!" The doctor beamed and said "Your vision is 20 over 200 and you are definitely a candidate for surgery.
98  Abiathar the Superhero!gregDone214/27/2007
    So Abiathar asked him to pass the potatoes. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we do some serious bashing! After dinner, he got to his feet and threw a zombie up in the air with his Jawbreaker, while at the same time he grabbed a troll by the ankle, spun him around and launched him into orbit with one flick of his manly wrist.
97  My New Video Game!bettyDone213/13/2007
    I activated the targeting mechanism, punched in the coordinates, and pushed the escape button over and over to no avail. OH NO, I must not die. In a last desperate move I pushed Ctrl-Alt-Delete, and then guess what happened: the whole system shut down!
96  Fixing up my GardengregDone221/29/2007
    So I poured on them some high powered weed killer. I looked like I was wearing HAZMAT gear, but that stuff is dangerous. It did the trick though-- only a few minutes passed before I realized that I had the wrong seeds!
95  Rearranging My New Tech RoombettyDone221/31/2007
    I moved the work table next to the cat food which was really starting to stink!
94  Speeding Down the HighwaybettyDone2112/4/2006
     Quick as a wink, they saw blue lights in the rear view mirrors, so they hightailed it across the state, carefully avoiding known speed traps, living off of coffee and Slim Jims, and sleeping in the car in Wal-Mart parking lots. Eventually they drifted to a dead stop, out of gas, low on oil, and right in the middle of a speedtrap!
93  Having SurgerygregDone2012/1/2006
    They were pretty sure though that the X-ray would show the presence of decades-old cysts the size of walnuts.
92  Accountant at WorkgregDone214/1/2006
     Those rolls go down in a hurry, especially when all the managers flock around me like buzzards! Go away! I can't concentrate." Finally, they all fell on the floor laughing their heads off. The hilarity continued until who would walk through the door but Mr.
91  What I Saw When I Took a WalkbettyDone213/31/2006
     I gathered up a few and put them in my pocket so I could give them to the police officer when he hauled me in for questioning before being charged with trespassing.
90  Learning a Foreign LanguagegregDone222/4/2006
    This will surely impress them! They'll be so impressed they will spew! Just kidding, of course, but who knows, you may end up in Swaziland, in a dark jungle, surrounded by insipid but angry Frenchmen frothing epithets at us proudly patriotic Americans.
89  Putting out Christmas LightsbettyDone212/3/2006
    I could hear the whine of the power meter dials spinning. I could hear the sound of sleigh bells coming from the roof! Could it be? Would I really get to see Santa Claus??? We rushed to the roof and searched for hoofprints in the snow, but all we found were stale, broken gingerbread cookies from last year.
88  Lazor Beam HydragregDone2212/16/2005
     Is that like an appraizor? Come appraize my house, and bring your 5 clipboards! "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!" I laugh with raucous glee. You will be sorry; you will be very sorry when I stumbled upon a fully-loaded phaser rifle. It must have been dropped by an alphatrooper when he recovered from the blow to his head, he knew he would have to activate his quantum shields before it was too late!
87  Concert at Chrysler HallbettyDone2112/14/2005
    That restless sound soon reached the top balcony, where our VIP seats were. We could see the entire auditorium from here, as well as mink coats, diamond tiaras, and fancy tuxedos trimmed with mistletoe and holly.
86  Touring EuropebonnieDone2112/13/2005
     I pulled my beret lower over my fear of crashing. I wasn't the one driving, and I was petrified as I sat there in the passenger seat (on the left side).
85  Christmas ShoppingbettyDone2212/1/2005
     We bundled up and headed for the mall. But before we got there, we stopped at Starbucks to get revved up. I ordered a quad shot espresso - only problem was by the time we got to the store, my hands were skipping over the keypad like a skilled pianist playing Chopin.
84  Working at McDonald'sgregDone2112/1/2005
    "It's legal tender. See? It says right here: "This product may contain peanuts and for those persons with allergies, it may cause severe difficulty in operating a vehicle or other heavy equipment!"
83  Trip to the Pumpkin PatchsherryDone2211/7/2005
    We made enough for 50 people! So we invited the whole neighborhood, and when they all showed up we gave them a couple bucks and told them to go fetch us a newspaper. While we waited, the kids were able to play a beanbag game. They had to throw up their hands and scream "Eureka!!!!"
82  test2gregDone249/16/2015
     It's swxswx! Is this a real story??!! What are you thinking?! = Waa waa waa waa I'm all out of cough syrup!!!!!!!!
81  Going Into Space IIgregDone2110/28/2005
    Because you don't want to get scurvy when you're halfway to getting your Junior Astronaut degree!
80  Taking Computer ClassbettyDone2010/27/2005
    I couldn't believe it! What a easy test this was! I had learned this stuff in high school. I breezed through the first half, and then my heart sank as the teacher chided loudly, "NO, NO, NO...you're doing it wrong!"
79  Cooking Show IIgregDone219/27/2005
    You should decorate it with a little truffle trifle." "Eww!" I exclaimed. "Truffles smell like sweaty gym socks. They also will alleviate constipation, especially for people who eat a lot of pasta! This is so versatile, you can even use it to shell hard-boiled eggs. Let me demonstrate, Kent."
78  Potty Training the TwinsbettyDone219/24/2005
     Smelly! And the Welcome Wagon ladies were already coming up my front steps! The quickest thing I could do was put them into a big cardboard box.
77  Noisy NeighborsbonnieDone219/23/2005
     The water flew out and drenched the apple pie in whipped cream, which I then cheerfully took to the neighbor's house. When they saw it, they finally understood.
76  Driving Across CountrybettyDone229/16/2005
    There's no telling what we will do if we start down that mountain and our brakes give out! We will probably end up going into a rest area to collect tourist pamphlets for the area.
75  NASCAR DaysgregDone219/9/2005
    People's lives are at stake! If you blow a tire and hit the fence, you know what could happen: spontaneous decapitation.
74  Conserving WaterbonnieDone229/9/2005
    It's actually a water-saving toilet, and it cost much more than I could afford. In fact it cost a dollar. The cigarette lighter cost a dollar.
73  The Best Diet Ever!sherryDone218/31/2005
     Could this be a misprint?!! Just to be sure I put my glasses on and then I could see my feet! "Hello, toes! Haven't seen you in so long!" Ha, Ha! This is great! Next thing you know, you will be skin and bones. No one will know you. Everyone will think you are Shamu the Orca if you wear a tuxedo before your diet is accomplished.
72  What a Yard Sale!bettyDone208/23/2005
    In fact we must have already sold at least 20 of them and our cash flow was now a total of about $3.25. But who's counting, really? Sitting in the hot sun, sipping sweet tea and making fun of the junker cars that drove up was worth at least $100. It was going to be hard to get rid of everything before the sun went down.
71  Test PilotgregDone218/17/2005
     But that would cause the enemy to unleash the entirety of his airforce!! The noise of the numberless engines would shake the earth.
70  A Day in the Life of a DorksherryDone218/14/2005
    Am I a Dork! Can you tell that I am a MENSA member? My IQ is higher than my weight." "Oh really? she said with a wink. Great googlely-mooglely...that was just about the nicest thing anyone had ever said! Well, after hearing that, I was ready to sharpen all my pencils, and I discovered I need to go buy a new pocketsize spiral notebook and a black power cable.
69  Time for a Checkup!bonnieDone218/3/2005
     My recommendation is have a cup of hot tea and a small plate of three soft chewy dog treats, the kind with little meaty bit in the middle." "Surely you don't mean for me to wear the hideous hospital gown in public, do you?!! Man! I would look like a model off the cover of one of those muscle man magazines!!
68  Building My New Cat CondobettyDone217/10/2005
     First I went to Lowe's and bought some 2x4's, big plastic tubes, plywood, and carpet remnants. And to take pictures of the project from start to finish, I bought a disposable cardboard toilet paper roll.
67  Putting Up WallpapergregDone216/12/2005
     Then I went back downstairs and fixed myself a meatball lunch pocket.
66  My Newest Home Improvement Project!bettyDone205/17/2005
    "I understand you need a staple gun to finish that project. and it will also help you store things." After all that hard work, the value of the property went up so much I got an offer I couldn't refuse, and I moved into a condo. We were all standing around when the septic tank pumper truck pulled up.
65  Phone CallbonnieDone215/9/2005
    "I'm only 18!" I argued. he said, "I know you're not in it for the money. We always like to see people like you come through the door.
64  Airline PilotgregDone214/23/2005
     Somebody slow them down! Even if you have to jump up and down and sing Yankee Doodle. And that's exactly what I did, much to the surprise and shock of the pilot, the rudders were stuck, and the plane was started to pitch sideways!
63  I'm Not In It For The...bonnieDone214/6/2005
     You can find some strange things, like one time I found a fly in my soup so I killed the whole town. Another time I totally uppercut some guy because he opened a window." Now that's what I call a breakfast drink! 'Cause honey, I ain't in it for the cocoa, I'm in it for the marshmallows! So bring on the orcs!
62  Hosting a Cooking ShowbettyDone214/12/2005
     I have staff who will divide the German blood sausage into enough pieces so that everyone can have at least a Eastern European immigrant would have more good taste than the fresh-faced yahoos we've been putting on this show.
61  Ain't It Cool?gregDone224/7/2005
    How cool is that?" I'll tell ya; it's VERY COOL. Because people will notice and say "He's all about style!
60  Competing with Starbuck'sbonnieDone214/2/2005
     She gave me such an evil look, that I really wanted to give her a chance to make better hot chocolate than the swill she had been serving. I told her, "You have to SMILE at the customer! Make them feel welcome! Here, I'll show you." With that, she turned around and punched her in the face as hard as she could.
59  My First Ocean CruisebettyDone213/28/2005
     Our best course of action was to put on life jackets right away and line up next to the lady in the fancy hat.
58  Captain UnderpantsgregDone213/23/2005
     He giggled, as he flushed my goldfish down the toilet. One after another, down they went, and I was helpless to control it. The pressure was just too much. Before I could stop it, great volumes of gas filled the room of guests who had just arrived from the theater. They were all dressed in furs and diamonds, tuxedos and tails, and they all looked at each other with wonder, mingled with disgust.
57  New Year's Resolutions!bonnieDone213/18/2005
    She would also eat a lot more lettuce! With a healthier diet, lifting weights, power walking, and balacing my checkbook on time so that I know I have enough money to buy some new underwear! Whew! Now I won't be embarrassed if I get in a car accident! That brings me to my next resolution: Not to get in any speed traps and not to get in any arguments with a stern eye and haughty sniff, my personal trainer turned to pick up the equipment for the next round of cow-tipping.
56  Saturday Morning's Cartoon MarathonbettyDone213/13/2005
     Marketing firms know how much parents want to make their kids happy. It's all about finding the sources of disposable cellphones. See, in the future, so many people had been using disposable cellphones that the landfills were overflowing with them and people were dying in disposable cellphone avalanches.
55  Spy Base AlphagregDone213/8/2005
    That's a wrap. Thanks guys, we'll see you tomorrow." Clip after clip was burned through until we heard those momentous words: "Cut!
54  Texas WinterbonnieDone203/3/2005
    We get there by 9am, but have to leave before the sun starts to shine again. Blistering hot rays beating down upon us, we began to feel dizzy, so someone suggested we should go sit down in the shade. A lady brought us some cold drinks. Soon we felt better, so we hightailed it over to the rodeo to see how long we could stay seated on that wild bucking brown and white streaks on my skin!
53  Christmas Shopping - 2004bettyDone202/26/2005
    So I got out my list and crossed everything off. "Everyone's getting Jolly Ranchers this year!" I laughed maniacally as I headed for Costco and their 750-count, 10 pound bag. Once I got there I grabbed a seat an collapsed. How weary I felt! It was as if I had no limit on my credit cards!
52  Modeling AgencygregDone212/21/2005
     Show me that anorexic girl who came in a while ago. She has the look we want. She must weigh close to 350 pounds. But that's OK. that's right... Perfect! She's a door. The next girl can pose on this poof chair. It is shaped like a high-heeled shoe.
51  All I Need Is...bonnieDone212/16/2005
    If I could just get that, everything else would fall into place. Other times, who knows? Will I be a n00b for the rest of my life? None of this makes sense to me.
50  My Summer at the Archeological DigbettyDone212/11/2005
    Who's up for some Mickie D's?" There was a long, tense silence, until finally someone said, "Well, I'm hungry. Who's up for some Mickie D's?" And yet, here are the little yellow wrappers!" There was a long, tense silence, until finally someone said, "Well, I'm hungry.
49  Shopping at Lowe'sgregDone202/6/2005
     Get out of the way! We scrambled in a hurry and landed on big pile of garden hoses! Struggling to stand up, and feeling very awkward, I went in the women's bathroom because the men's was out of order and I really, really needed to go to the bathroom again!
48  Anorexia TherapybonnieDone212/1/2005
    As far as keeping track of your weight, throw out that scale! It will only stress you out, raise your blood pressure and increase your intake of calories.
47  Building My New House!bettyDone231/27/2005
     "Well, at least I didn't try to dig a basement. I'm sure if I did I would have an underground playroom!
46  Ultimate Ninja IIgregDone211/22/2005
    YOU CANNOT COMPARE WITH MY POWERS!!" As powerful as he was, he couldn't resist by Cloud of Ten Lightning Fists. "For great justice!" I cried, and "All your base are belong to us!" Then I jumped over the wall and into the swirling vortex of fear!
45  Election Day!bettyDone211/17/2005
     The volunteer outside the curtain heard all the mechanical sounds and mumbling, and called out to him, "It doesn't work like that!
44  A Day in the Life of...bonnieDone201/12/2005
     This was where all the larvae were stored, and must be protected at all costs. Frantically, he clawed his way back to freedom. Ahh, the fresh air! Ahh, the sound of songbirds in the trees! Ahh, the smell of freedom! It smelled like grass, and trees, and dew.
43  High School CarwashgregDone201/7/2005
    Money money money. We took some of the money and used it for wiping up the spoiled milk in the back seat. Boy, did it stink! It smelled like the driver must be a smoker. Frowning, we decided we could first try vacuuming up all the fragments of dried vomit. If they aren't stuck to the upholstery.
42  Pushed Over the EdgebonnieDone211/2/2005
     And here came the President himself riding in a strange car, wearing a strait jacket. I didn't know how to adjust the applause meter. Everyone seemed to be clapping too hard or too soft. It was hopeless.
41  Cleaning Out the GaragebettyDone2112/28/2004
     "Oh, yeah! That's right! It looks like plastic poop; you know that artificial dog poop that you fool people with? Never mind scoop it up and throw it into the dumpster parked on the side of the house. We had rented it for just this purpose. Waste Management was going to come get it at the end of the week.
40  HULK SMASH!gregDone2012/23/2004
    Bricks were flying , windows shattering, the asphalt rippled and disintegrated with every impact. the Hulk bellowed, "But the Hulk is strongest there is! Me prove it! Me dumb. Me stupid. Me go the wrong way on a one-way street.
39  Joining the PTAbonnieDone2012/18/2004
     That we're all a bunch of slack-jawed faggots. If we're going to regain any shred of respect we're going to have to take a stand! Together!
38  Going to the County FairbettyDone2012/13/2004
    I've got aspartame posioning!" He started to spin drunkenly, crying "My head! but we grabbed him and wanted to turn him inside out, if you know what I mean. But we controlled ourselves and decided to give him the riot act. He was behaving like a crazy judge out to block anyone and everyone from winning a blue ribbon, much less the coveted county prize: the purple ribbon.
37  News at 11gregDone2012/8/2004
     Frantically, the police captain called a temp agency. They worked around the clock sweeping all the flood waters out of the newsroom.
36  Investigating VegetarianismbonnieDone2112/3/2004
    It was clear she wasn't going to eat hers either, so he reached over and grabbed the salad dressing, saying, "If I'm going to eat nothing but salad for lunch, I'm going to need more salt and pepper. I need more flavor! Pilot! Pilot! I need a pilot! Oh, I forgot my plane ride is over.
35  Boppy's Trip to TexasbettyDone2111/28/2004
    plate of tamales, burritos, and enchiladas! The only thing this dish is missing is my face. Allow me to remedy this gross inconsistency at once. With that, I began devouring the comestibles with great vigor. "Gross is right, if you're going to put salsa on your breakfast burrito, the eggs should not be runny!
34  Dance ClassbonnieDone2111/23/2004
    Their only recourse was to join the Army. Fortunately, they breezed through all the physical training and went on to become decorated infantry.
33  The Minotaur KinggregDone2111/18/2004
     Mentally focused, and calling on all my leg muscles, I sprang up to the edge of the pit and was able to pull myself out before the avalanche of rocks smashed into where'd I'd been moments before. I looked up, and towering above me was the Minotaur King himself. I shook in my boots, I sweated pools of gravy.
32  The Bizarre BazaarbonnieDone2011/13/2004
    and there they are! Waiting for us....all squeaky clean and shining with colorful beads! It was just what I was looking for! It was so beautiful I couldn't take my eyes off it! The merchant told me this was the last day he would be open. Before I could say another word, the air shimmered around us and a transdimensional vortex appeared in mid-air, sucking the entire bazaar into oblivion before my very eyes!
31  My Trip Around the WorldbettyDone2111/8/2004
    The lead one proclaimed, "You have trespassed on holy ground, infidel, now you will put on your scuba gear because we are going underwater. We will swim to that shark cage, get in, lock the gate, and wait anxiously for nightfall.
30  Downtown PrecinctgregDone2211/3/2004
     The second one says, "Are you sure?" And the first one says, "I'm positive!" Get it? That's the way we do things around here. And sometimes I had to bash some heads to make it happen. someone yelled, "have you seen those platinum handcuffs that were in the display case?!!
29  Growing Up on a FarmbettyDone2110/29/2004
     Clearly the stress of the situation was getting to everyone, but the bickering stopped when we heard a loud explosion coming from the outhouse.
28  The Dinosaur WorldbonnieDone2110/24/2004
     Ethan wanted to make scrambled eggs with them, but Xander yelled "NO! If we do that we might not survive the night! No. We've got to conserve our ammunition, collect what food we have left, and prepare to broil some tasty dinosaur patties.
27  Gardening with BettygregDone2010/19/2004
     There is no better smell except for the smell of tulips, lavender, and freshly cut grass.
26  On the Open RoadbonnieDone2110/14/2004
    Weldon, that is, not the Rally's bags. She grabbed them and shook them. And then ran. Kicking up dust, hollering at women, and playing music too loud. That's par for the course when you're in a motorcycle gang.
25  The International VillagebonnieDone2110/9/2004
     And with a great harrumph, they in fact did! As the last one exited the door, there came a loud applause from the audience, who then began to shout in unison,"
24  Weekend in ParisgregDone2110/4/2004
    "How dare you expose yourself like that in front of her!" I screamed. "Why, I oughta punch your red diaper doper baby lights out!
23  Xander Goes ShoppingbettyDone229/29/2004
     I want a Brown Mule. Let's go find an ice cream freezer in this place, and look in it to see if we can find some quarters so we can play a few final video games before we have to go."
22  Fart DictionarybonnieDone219/24/2004
     Why do you fart, anyway? Maybe it's to interrupt conversations with long drawn-own guttural (Yeah from the gut to be sure!) sounds that brought with them whisps of sickening smells that were sure to make even a strong man wilt like a flower that's been in the sun too long.
21  Boot CampgregDone219/19/2004
     "And I just might get it, too, it's just what I need in my tent when we go camping out in the woods. In the middle of the night, I can get it out and use it to help me steal hot dogs from the mess hall. See?" He demonstrated, and Private Munchausen said "I like to suffer, and I'm going to make you suffer too. 500 pushups on the double!"
20  Good Old Pop's Drive-inbettyDone219/14/2004
     I could not help but stare. Suddenly he turned and caught me! I couldn't help turning red, and I quickly turned my attention to his corn dog.
19  Going Back to CollegebettyDone219/9/2004
    I could see that there were old professors lying around everywhere. Some were nibbling jelly doughnuts and drinking coffee; some perusing the Wall Street Journal, and some were just livid that tuition had gone up again.
18  If You Give a Mouse a CookiebonnieDone219/4/2004
    300 mice died to provide you with that stylishly avant-garde attire, and don't let them forget it.
17  Our Summer VacationbettyDone218/30/2004
     What a relief! Imagine getting so sick on that food! What was in it? It must have been cooked with bacon grease.
16  Trapped in a MinegregDone218/25/2004
     Why, in my back pocket I even have a map to a secret underground base, which is also underwater!" We had to use a submarine to get to it. None of us had ever driven one before, but the tunnel was easy to drive through because there were all kinds of lights and even air conditioning.
14  Our Visit to the LibrarybonnieDone218/15/2004
    REVENGE IS SWEET, AND A DISH BEST SERVED COLD!!" By this time the cops had arrived and everything got very confusing after that. I realized this was a good opportunity to get out of there, so I quietly nudged past the jostling, shouting crowd, resisting the temptation to tear out the pages of the 1500-page unabridged dictionary and start making ragged origami with them.
13  Stress Reduction TechniquesbonnieDone238/10/2004
    (giggle!)" About an hour later we were all too drunk to stand up, but we sure weren't stressed anymore. Everyone please take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of beer on the wall!
12  My New Job at Burger KingbettyDone208/5/2004
     Should we use the meat anyway, or should we ask the customers to leave and go somewhere that doesn't suck? Then I had an idea: I sat down next to a customer and smiled. "I'm happy to be the one to tell you, you've just won a LIFETIME SUPPLY of Super-Sized Whopper Combo Meals!!!"
11  Cooking with GrandmabettyDone227/31/2004
    She had all the ingredients, except she needed some fresh orc blood. But not just any orc blood. The orc blood this recipe called for had to be room temperature.
10  Ultimate NinjagregDone227/26/2004
    They had thought to feast upon me, but they were fed only wrath. It left them with a taste they shall never forget.
 Wall Street BluesgregDone227/16/2004
    It was a hollow sound. But it was the only one he cared about anymore. His laughter, tinged with madness, echoed through the prison daily. It was a hollow sound. But it was the only one he cared about anymore. Ever. His laughter, tinged with madness, echoed through the prison daily.
 Going into SpacebettyDone217/11/2004
     Oh no! It is headed for a crash! Unable to steer, her frustration at the malfunction gave way to panic as the obstacle loomed ahead, a giant miasmic mix of sulfuric and methane gases, swirling, boiling, reaching out for the next great leader in the cataclysmic battle for galactic supremacy.
 Ye Olde Medieval DaysbettyDone217/1/2004
    He strode in purposely, a roast beef hoagie in one hand, and a salami grinder in the other. "So," Count Muenster declared, "We have thee to thank for these delightful victuals."
 Barrister the Lawyer CatbettyDone216/26/2004
    So I hung up on him. I looked at Barrister, and said, "Hey, let bygones be bygones and let's all go out for anchovie pizza."
 The Big ConundrumbettyDone216/21/2004
     All the stress? Surely there's got to be a better way to make an A on an exam. You have to stay up longer, study harder, and above all, pay attention to the teachah.
 Woo baby!gregDone216/16/2004
    His Dodge Viper showed no signs of complaint, as it began to thunder and rain heavily; so much so that the roof began to lift off from the extreme high pressure inside the house.
 Big ComputergregDone186/11/2004
    Greg nodded slowly and deliberately as he reached for the Ovaltine. When he opened the cabinet, Lo, and behold, he found his missing bottle of pills. Oh, how he had suffered without them!