| Story ID | Title | Creator | Status | Num Entries | Date Finished
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|---|
| 174 | Springtime in Virginia | betty | Done | 22 | 12/27/2022 |
Now I have to wait 23 1/2 hours to get to see the moonflower bloom! Until then, well, who knows? I am sure we will be able to find a place to eat, but will any place be open at this time of night?? Hey, there's always Waffle House. And thinking of that, what does a dog like to eat for breakfast??
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| 173 | Daylight Saving Time ! | betty | Done | 23 | 4/21/2021 |
No one was able to react in time, and it landed, with a hollow skitter-clatter, on the tile floor, impossibly unbroken. There was a collective exhale and then an immediate inhale, because the last thing we wanted was a fainting crowd! But there truly was a big sigh of relief followed by the idea of shoring up the outer wall with bits of furniture and old crates.
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| 172 | A Winter Day in the Wilderness | bonnie | Done | 22 | 2/15/2021 |
hmmm may be those masks really are good for something! However, I hate people telling me what to do, ...like I have to use fully-jacketed rounds at the indoor shooting range, because they're concerned about LeAd PoIsOnInG... OooOOooOOoo.
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| 171 | Oh, the weather outside is frightful... | betty | Done | 22 | 12/31/2020 |
I am still investigating that turn of events. The most suspicious aspect of the whole thing was how many armed guards we saw.
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| 170 | The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! | betty | Done | 23 | 1/13/2020 |
We started looking for the giblets. You boil those separately. They make good broth. Once you're sure you have them all, put them in your mouth.
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| 169 | A Breath of Fresh Air | bonnie | Done | 22 | 11/15/2019 |
Scram." The old ladies chuckled, ash sprinkling from the tips of their cigars. It is difficult to imagine that a gathering of seated elderly ladies could be intimidating, but their deadly stares and seasoned hands put my blood on ice.
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| 168 | Toiling at 3 a.m. | betty | Done | 22 | 10/13/2019 |
Don't they have anything better to do than trolling people in the middle of the night?"
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| 167 | The Reckoning of the Kiwis | xander | Done | 22 | 7/28/2019 |
I knew. It was right now! I'm so thirsty I feel like I could drink ALL the soda. I jumped to my feet and cried out because I hit my head on an overhanging tree branch!
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| 166 | Somebody's Gotta Do It ! | betty | Done | 22 | 7/8/2019 |
Everyone knew what that meant: the information in there was the only thing standing between them and total loss of cat fur. The Mange had set in with great ferocity. The Vet was astounded.
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| 165 | I love Thunderstorms ! | betty | Done | 21 | 6/10/2019 |
I barely got 30 pages into Atlas Shrugged." He then went back to playing his video game, and I was left to my own devices as far as getting the electricity going again in the house. It was dark, I could not play my games, all in all, I felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck going 80 mph.
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| 164 | Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! | betty | Done | 23 | 1/9/2019 |
And everyone vowed, "I won't stop until I get my revenge on you!" It was then I finally realized as I reflected on everything that had happened, that this had truly been the best Christmas ever!
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| 163 | Let's Set Fire to the Woods | xander | Done | 21 | 12/7/2018 |
woods or open fields? This was the moment the past several weeks had been building up to. woods or open fields? This was the moment of truth. This was the moment the past several weeks had been building up to.
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| 162 | Some Kind of Adventure | xander | Done | 23 | 9/10/2018 |
What I really wanted to do after listening to all of that was break something. My fury knew no bounds, and I would have my revenge. But first, I needed to build a safety net! I bought a whole bunch of ropes at Ace Hardware and carefully wove them into a really strong basket we could use to swing ourselves across the chasm.
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| 161 | That Garage ! | betty | Done | 22 | 8/9/2018 |
What to do?? Well you have to start somewher' Why not start in this corner where there is an unnecessary collection of used tissues. I couldn't discard them, because what if the Illuminati found them and extracted my DNA from the snot?
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| 160 | I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? | betty | Done | 24 | 8/3/2018 |
Well, for safety, they probably all clustered around a loaded shotgun. Nothing makes for a better sleeping partner at night when danger is afoot.
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| 159 | A large, healthy tuft of stump grass | bonnie | Done | 22 | 7/18/2018 |
I couldn't imagine walking one more mile without at least a gallon of the stuff on hand, so I started scrounging around for old rags to wipe up the spilled lemonade and the big pool of melted popsicles. Even worse, deflated balloons were starting to droop into it, getting sticky, like ponderous, buoyant doughnuts glazing themselves.
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| 158 | Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse | betty | Done | 21 | 7/11/2018 |
I thought. "They're designed to be mousetraps, and are cute and fuzzy too." I scooped him up and went through a massive stone archway, imposing and mystical. It bridged the gap between this world and the others, and beyond it were visible incomprehensible wonders and horrors alike. Out of the portal emerged several large rats, which actually could have been bald squirrels, but anyway, seeing them made me think, "
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| 157 | Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus | betty | Done | 22 | 7/6/2017 |
Ick! I hadn't even considered bringing bug spray. Well, like they say, when life hands you lemons, discard the lemons; make bacon. So I picked up the tick and carried it to the entomology lab for analysis. There, I was greeted by a flock of trained roadrunners! As a group, they ran ahead to lead me, looking behind every so often to be sure no roadrunners were following us.
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| 156 | San Antonio Vacation | greg | Done | 22 | 5/27/2017 |
In one minute flat, everything was gone and we could not find even a whiff of cilantro in the whole place! "What kind of restaurant is this?!" I yelled.
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| 155 | Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! | betty | Done | 21 | 2/5/2017 |
It's 80s music everywhere! It reminds of all the times that I ever wanted more in my whole life.
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| 154 | Different Pizza Toppings | greg | Done | 21 | 1/11/2017 |
How pretty! Now I will take a snapshot with my new neighbors. It can be hard to come up with a combination of pizza toppings that will please everyone in the group, but if you stick olives with toothpicks on the pizza, there could be tragic results...like wasting pizza! To serve attractively, place the pizza in my mouth!!
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| 153 | But I don't want to! | bonnie | Done | 20 | 11/13/2016 |
You don't want to get stuck with too much time on our hands, we decided just to go shopping. First we went to Cosco and loaded up on lots of wood glue, posterboard, hammers, and nuclear material. That's everything we need for assembling a Gatling gun!
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| 152 | We Need More Enthusiasm ! | betty | Done | 22 | 10/16/2016 |
And if I did, who would be there? Well, obviously Buzz, Moocher, Ace, The Kid, and Big Toot will be there. Other than that, who would be there? Maybe some hopeful whiners and a few frowning judges.
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| 151 | Xander's New Dorm Room | bonnie | Done | 21 | 9/9/2016 |
The title of it was How to Win at Minecraft! Bonus! came over and saw the title, He exclaimed, " There's literally a party going on in the hall outside my door!" He hadn't even realized it, though, because he had not taken a shower in so long!
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| 150 | Trying to Keep Cool ! | betty | Done | 22 | 8/20/2016 |
Then it was cooler because we switched the fan to counter-clockwise, and that made us feel sleepy. So we immediately went loco. Smashing chairs, flipping over tables, drinking liquor after drinking beer, queuing up Taylor Swift songs on the jukebox, it was complete bedlam.
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| 149 | The Stump Vine | bonnie | Done | 21 | 4/26/2016 |
Should I sell everything and buy all new there or rent a moving van? I asked the head of NASA for advice, and thoughtfully, he advised me to spead the word about this legendary plant. Many have never heard of it, and if they have, they think What's the use??
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| 148 | Laundry | colleen | Done | 20 | 4/2/2016 |
And the name of it was " Your dearest wish come true." Oh! Well, in that case, we should string up some clothesline in the back yard. One end we could wrap around the big pine tree, and the other end we could tie to the neck of an ISIS terrorist! Hahaha! Actually, I meant the the white clothes should be separated from the red, but I forgot and washed them together!
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| 147 | It's snowing!!! | colleen | Done | 29 | 2/22/2016 |
Would we be even able to get out of the house?? We went to look for the snow shovel, but instead found the manhole cover that had been lost for two months! "This is fantastic!" I said, "I could sell this for $50,000 and send Ethan to William and Mary Law School!
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| 145 | Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! | betty | Done | 21 | 2/5/2016 |
You look like you are carrying a Beretta PX4 Storm Compact 9mm!
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| 144 | Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! | colleen | Done | 20 | 1/10/2016 |
That was effective, and I was able to get on with my work selling potholders door to door. Everyone loved the red and yellow ones. Maybe it was because their kitchens were so well-organized. In fact, anyone could just walk in and easily help themselves to croissants, chocolate eclairs, and mugs of steaming beef stew.
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| 143 | Resolutions for the New Year ! | betty | Done | 22 | 1/9/2016 |
Perfectly pressed and tailored, it did wonders for my mood, and I felt so happy and confident, I called up all my friends and invited them over for a little thing we like to call an "Intervention."
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| 142 | Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! | betty | Done | 21 | 12/14/2015 |
After finding it I hid it again, but this time inside a really big box! The only way to cover that will be to file bankruptcy!! Man, I will hate to go to court and stand before the magistrate and hope you don't get thrown in jail until you paid every penny because you were cruel to your debtors and the king found about it.
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| 141 | Dual Composters | greg | Done | 21 | 12/13/2015 |
I told him I could compost those yard clippings, but he said " Stop looking at my bum and get on with your work!" "Do you think I am a GARDENER??? Because if so, you are correct!"
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| 140 | Deli Bologna | greg | Done | 22 | 11/28/2015 |
Here comes the guy with the mop now ! He agilely bent over and handed a bouquet of flowers to a little girl.
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| 139 | Getting Ready for Fall ! | betty | Done | 21 | 10/29/2015 |
Bake it in an oven with the oven door slightly open so any extra heat can escape into the cargo bay!" But the skydive instructor wouldn't relent. he yelled over the noise of the plane's engines. "Now get ready for the fall!"
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| 138 | Slatherage | greg | Done | 21 | 9/16/2015 |
Slatherage was one tiny part of that process, on an album from a band that's now largely forgotten. The General gave the latest Newsboys album on Spotify a fair go and listened wistfully for several minutes before mumbling, "They don't sound Aussie at all.
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| 137 | Growing Those Tomatoes ! | betty | Done | 21 | 8/1/2015 |
As I cautiously walked closer, a flock of birds which came closer and closer, flew over the tomatoes, came back, flew down and plucked every single tomato off the vines and then flew away !!
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| 136 | Midnight snack | colleen | Done | 21 | 6/11/2015 |
Layers and layers of vegetables, meats and cheeses, all between two pieces of angel food cake.
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| 135 | That New Smart Phone | betty | Done | 22 | 6/10/2015 |
I also took my time thinking up a good password. too smart for me" !! I just gave up and started playing Soda Crush. A relaxing game that makes me feel insecure. The only thing that could settle my nerves now would be if I could take some time to remove all the apps I don't like.
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| 134 | NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS | greg | Done | 24 | 6/3/2015 |
I will give you a big fat wallet full of money if you will go over there and smack that bully. We are all getting tired of this continual harassment. And make sure you tell him to bring exact change.
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| 133 | Why me!?!! | colleen | Done | 23 | 6/3/2015 |
Give me a break! Isn't real life reality enough? Instead they should think how they would feel in that situation. Only then can a person really have the courage to stand up before an audience and give a rallying speech. Make sure you have good posture and have a glass of water hidden under the blankets.
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| 132 | Backyard Projects | betty | Done | 22 | 5/28/2015 |
Grabbing my car keys, I hurried up to Lowe's to buy some mulch. It was on sale !!When I checked out I had bought so many bags, the total number came to 21. Three rows of seven each. That arrangement is perfect for the high school piano recital.
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| 131 | Cupcakes! | colleen | Done | 22 | 5/26/2015 |
I wanted the batter to stay fluffy, so very gently I hollowed out each cupcake and spooned in a mixture of soft serve ice cream, grated coconut, ground-up Kit-Kat bars, and wet walnuts.
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| 129 | Climbing Enchanted Rock | betty | Done | 21 | 5/2/2015 |
I decided to take a picture. I took out my camera and turned around facing west where in the distance we could see giant floaters in our vision!
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| 128 | I Need to Take a Trip ! | betty | Done | 22 | 4/16/2015 |
But that's OK, because I'd spent the last 10 years slowly building up resistance to arsenic. Confident I'd be OK, I took a big bite and froze. Never in my life had I ever tasted anything so disgusting and horrible. It must have been past its expiration date! I just had to spit it out onto the lawn.
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| 127 | Bonnie's New Tutoring Job | bonnie | Done | 27 | 4/16/2015 |
Using all that brain power was very draining. I could use a pepper-upper! Maybe there is something in the staff refrigerator I could sample.... Sure enough...I opened the door and found a cup of Whoop-Ass! I immediately picked it up and threw it at him! He then carried the stack of folders over to the table and spread out the construction paper, blunt scissors, glitter, and glue.
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| 126 | Getting Ready for New Year's Eve | betty | Done | 22 | 2/18/2015 |
So we worked through the night putting the final touches on the family portrait. If only everyone would stand still! If only I had remembered all the eggnog was gone!
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| 125 | New Year's Resolutions | bonnie | Done | 22 | 12/24/2014 |
"OK, now it's your best hope for improving your life. So what do you want? Do you want to take a trip to some exotic tropical island. Hmmm I think this destination would be a good choice: the unemployment line! My job sucks! I could scarcely do worse!" So the next morning try again.
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| 124 | Get Those Presents Wrapped ! | betty | Done | 22 | 12/24/2014 |
Plastic bags of purchases here and there! Presents to sort! The wrapping paper I bought on Dec. 26....where was it??I found all of it in the back of the car. The first step is to acquire the presents. Second, you have to get someone to put their finger in the middle of a bow, so you can pull out just as much as you need.
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| 123 | We Need a Plumber ! | betty | Done | 22 | 12/12/2014 |
Sweet lifeblood of our glorious mother country, it falls like water from the skies and collects in pools.
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| 122 | Christmas Decorations | bonnie | Done | 22 | 12/12/2014 |
With a glorious roar, he hefted it over his shoulders and tried to go through the front door.
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| 121 | I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! | betty | Done | 21 | 11/28/2014 |
Yes! It is possible and it will save your hands from getting that dreaded Ebola virus! Get away from me with those unwashed hands, those filthy clothes, those rock formations look suspicious."
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| 120 | The Great Beyond | xander | Done | 21 | 9/21/2014 |
So I picked these three people: Gandhi, Einstein, and Owen Wilson. I figured that third choice made perfect sense because he had just eaten a loaf of bread the size of his head.
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| 119 | Summer | bonnie | Done | 20 | 9/21/2014 |
Not only would we sell lemonade, but we could also sell bags of ice. You know people really need those for seeing underwater. And if they get fogged up, you can clean them with spit. And you thought it was only good for dissolving corn starch packing peanuts.
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| 118 | Best Video Game of the Year ! | betty | Done | 22 | 8/15/2014 |
How it had gotten in there I'll never know. Anyone with half a brain should know better than to listen to loud rap music while playing such an intense video game! Why if I had not been concentrating, my handsome hero would surely have fallen into debt.
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| 117 | The best movie EVER!!! | colleen | Done | 21 | 7/18/2014 |
I was so in shock from her death, I didn't see what happened to the usher who took us to our seats. He just disappeared! Maybe he went into the 3D theater by mistake. If he did, and he doesn't realize he doesn't have his polarizing glasses on, he's in for a headache.
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| 116 | What I Saw When I Took A Walk II | greg | Done | 23 | 5/28/2014 |
sign. I had come too far and seen too much to stop now! So I kept going until I reached the end of of the road...and there was the sun setting in a gorgeous display of orange and gold !!
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| 115 | You know... | bonnie | Done | 23 | 11/10/2013 |
Taking a deep breath, I pulled in my stomach, stood on my tip toes and dived into the warm swaying sandworms that erupted from the dunes of Arrakis.
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| 114 | Whatever is on your mind ! | betty | Done | 24 | 10/27/2013 |
It's not like anyone can smell you at 10,000 feet! But by the time you finish your last task, you have run out of time and lost all your money causing you to giggle with delight. You know it's the little things in life that really matter, so go ahead and get an associate's degree in plumbing.
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| 113 | Nursery Rhyme | greg | Done | 22 | 10/24/2013 |
They will no doubt go to the beach on the next sunny day and find oodles of candy to give to all the party guests! Soon everyone will be able to fetch a pail of water better than that clumsy doofus, Jack.
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| 112 | Global Warming ! | betty | Done | 26 | 8/19/2013 |
Strange as this was, it only got weirder as relatively small automobiles started spilling out of its mouth.
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| 110 | Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! | betty | Done | 22 | 4/19/2013 |
I could smell what could only be described as vast quantities of Mexican food nearby. My mouth began to water and I ran for the ramp for the plane, but just as I reached it, they started pulling up the stairs, and then I loudly screamed, " HOW CAN THIS BE SO COMPLICATED?!?!?!"
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| 109 | Thanksgiving | bonnie | Done | 19 | 12/19/2012 |
"How much for a deep fat fryer big enough for a turkey?? We don't have time to cook it in the oven!!" He replied, "It would cost a bazillion dollars to cater Thanksgiving dinner to the whole town!
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| 108 | I Blew Up My Lab! | greg | Done | 21 | 10/26/2012 |
As I sat in the middle of the smouldering wreckage of my lab, I wept quietly to myself for a long, long time. I couldn't make out the rest of the ad because tears had already begun to dissolve the ink, which ran like charcoal wisps of liquidated dreams down the face of the page.
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| 107 | Christmas Shopping III | betty | Done | 21 | 2/11/2012 |
We couldn't see a thing. The darkness was so complete it was like a solid thing--a suffocating blanket of oblivion that clung to our faces and enveloped us in its lifeless embrace. After 30 seconds (which seems like an eternity, given that we could still hear it breathing), we finally found our car in the parking lot after looking for 2 hours !!
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| 106 | Let's Organize Your Garage ! | betty | Done | 22 | 7/25/2011 |
In fact, down on the floor in the far corner, I found a reason to live again!
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| 105 | Christmas Shopping II | greg | Done | 21 | 2/24/2011 |
But, while I was there, I decided to go ahead and order dessert. oh, you know. You see them on TV coming out in the dark of night searching for brains to eat.
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| 103 | Zombie Attack! | greg | Done | 22 | 6/10/2010 |
We'll marinate them in 4 ounces of gooey, green, groddy BRAINS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But by that point there must have been at least 1,000 zombies! They were now known to be in cahoots with the left wing red diaper doper babies.
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| 102 | The Art of Decluttering | betty | Done | 21 | 8/4/2009 |
But that's OK! As a male, I know how to get things done. And the first thing to do is play a few missions in City Of Heroes just to get your blood flowing.
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| 101 | The hathood of the traveling brown hat. | rhonda | Done | 21 | 3/20/2009 |
It was then we realized our next stop had to be a chinese restaurant. because big drops of sweat were pouring down my face.
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| 100 | The Nephews come to Visit | greg | Done | 22 | 12/9/2008 |
Why their two heads reached all the way to the moon and back. Our first order of business was to hide in the bushes and squirt everybody who walked by with a big dose of NyQuil.
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| 99 | Laser Eye Surgery | greg | Done | 20 | 10/3/2008 |
Could it possibly lead to early development of cataracts? I need to know because who wants to be blind for the rest of his life?!!" I decided to get a second opinion. The new doctor examined me, and with a big smile on his face, said to me, "
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| 98 | Abiathar the Superhero! | greg | Done | 21 | 4/27/2007 |
After dinner, he got to his feet and threw a zombie up in the air with his Jawbreaker, while at the same time he grabbed a troll by the ankle, spun him around and launched him into orbit with one flick of his manly wrist.
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| 97 | My New Video Game! | betty | Done | 21 | 3/13/2007 |
You could reload, jump to your feet, and with all my new armor I would be invincible! The bronze cuirass, the ebony greaves, and the helmet that was made out of nuclear waste collected from sea to shining sea. Yes, everyone is America is playing my new video game.
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| 96 | Fixing up my Garden | greg | Done | 22 | 1/29/2007 |
I then tried to decide what fertilizer to use. I had to choose between organic compost or that big bag of hot air, Joe Blow or Joe Schmoe or whatever his name is.
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| 95 | Rearranging My New Tech Room | betty | Done | 22 | 1/31/2007 |
Then we could get the new halter and leash and put them on the backburner for now.
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| 94 | Speeding Down the Highway | betty | Done | 21 | 12/4/2006 |
Well you'll never know unless you try! So they fastened their seatbelts, turned to each other and grinned and then they gasped in shock at the number of bugs that had shuffled off this mortal coil on their teeth.
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| 93 | Having Surgery | greg | Done | 20 | 12/1/2006 |
Maybe it's because they accidentily stitched him up with tools still inside his abdominal cavity! It wouldn't have been the first time. They quietly ordered an X-ray of his brain, completely unsure what the bulge was.
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| 92 | Accountant at Work | greg | Done | 21 | 4/1/2006 |
We also put out a wide variety of chewed pencils which seemed to be coated with a sticky layer of Glue-Stik glue, the kind you get from the Dollar Store. Why would we have office supplies from the Dollar Store, when we already have a contract with a hoity-toity supplier?
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| 91 | What I Saw When I Took a Walk | betty | Done | 21 | 3/31/2006 |
This went on until I thought my throat would explode, when suddenly out of a ditch slithered a gigantic, slobbering, museum-class specimen of a loogie, frozen in amber, with bacteria in suspended animation that could be removed by meticulously scraping with a very sharp knife, and then following up with a gentle rub with a thin layer of butter, then I put some cinnamon-sugar on it.
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| 90 | Learning a Foreign Language | greg | Done | 22 | 2/4/2006 |
Just kidding, of course, but who knows, you may end up in Swaziland, in a dark jungle, surrounded by insipid but angry Frenchmen frothing epithets at us proudly patriotic Americans. They'll be so impressed they will spew!
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| 89 | Putting out Christmas Lights | betty | Done | 21 | 2/3/2006 |
Where are they coming from?? They must be coming from Mars! We're being invaded on Christmas!"
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| 88 | Lazor Beam Hydra | greg | Done | 22 | 12/16/2005 |
Slimy green lymph splattered everywhere even onto his hairdreszor. "You are such an abuzor!" She shrieked, " My baby! My baby!" We came running and saw many tentacles creeping out of the hatch, and they were reaching for a rope to pull themselves out before the Lazor Beam Hydra returned!!!!!!!!
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| 87 | Concert at Chrysler Hall | betty | Done | 21 | 12/14/2005 |
I was thinking Goldman and Sachs. I asked, and they said please to take our seats immediately! The maestro was heading down the center aisle was Hulk Hogan!
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| 86 | Touring Europe | bonnie | Done | 21 | 12/13/2005 |
We were going to collide head-on! Quickly I reached over and jerked the ripcord, and my parachute cmae hurtling out just in time!
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| 85 | Christmas Shopping | betty | Done | 22 | 12/1/2005 |
And those oh-so-happy elves, always poking at the customers and asking us, "
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| 84 | Working at McDonald's | greg | Done | 21 | 12/1/2005 |
And you know you're not allowed to eat mistakes! Put that in the waste bucket!" Reluctantly, I placed the tomato heels and limp lettuce on each one of the cash registers. I tried to hit the button to open the drawer, but it really didn't matter if a few pickles fell on the floor.
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| 83 | Trip to the Pumpkin Patch | sherry | Done | 22 | 11/7/2005 |
When the first group saw them, they gasped "What big pumpkins!" They must weigh at least 100 pounds! We could only use them for smashing into peoples' front doors when they had sucky Halloween candy. Why, just last year, we brought home enough pumpkins to make lots of pies.
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| 82 | test2 | greg | Done | 24 | 9/16/2015 |
I think you should take a break now in order to crush those who oppose us." He then tried to use the cash register, but it exploded!
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| 81 | Going Into Space II | greg | Done | 21 | 10/28/2005 |
Bibbidi Time for launch of the Mars Express I rocket was drawing near. We were all nervously excited. We were about to embark on a six-month voyage so we packed 6 cases of peanut butter and 6 crates of oranges, for vitamin C.
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| 80 | Taking Computer Class | betty | Done | 20 | 10/27/2005 |
"Wow!" I exclaimed when my turn came to say Wow! Ah just kidding! The new teacher was quite a knock-out! Really! Her hair was silver blonde and reached all the way to her cell phone, to call her geeky son.
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| 79 | Cooking Show II | greg | Done | 21 | 9/27/2005 |
Today's show is brought to you by Squeesitout Pimple Cream! Make sure all your teenagers have a good supply, and are wearing this new hairnet.
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| 78 | Potty Training the Twins | betty | Done | 21 | 9/24/2005 |
Ewww! Smelly! And the Welcome Wagon ladies were already coming up my front steps! The quickest thing I could do was put them into a big cardboard box. If I hurried, I could get to Warehouse Store and buy another 1000 diapers before they go to college!
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| 77 | Noisy Neighbors | bonnie | Done | 21 | 9/23/2005 |
They aren't just noisy, they are very dirty people too! I just hate having to pick up all their 10-pound weights on the floor.
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| 76 | Driving Across Country | betty | Done | 22 | 9/16/2005 |
I opened the window to breathe some fresh air, but all I could smell was bacon and coffee. That reminded me of when we went camping and we pitched the tent on the side of a hill: When it rained we started sliding down the hill and we landed in a cow patty.
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| 75 | NASCAR Days | greg | Done | 21 | 9/9/2005 |
What a hero he is! He sacrificed winning just so he could get the inside lane advantage! The excitement was electric! Suddenly, my nose started bleeding, and to wipe it, all I had was a sunburn and a hangover, but boy was that fun! So it would be better to replace the little Honda engine that sounds like a lawnmower with a Chevy big block, which was just delivered by Jeff Gordon himself!
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| 74 | Conserving Water | bonnie | Done | 22 | 9/9/2005 |
You don't need to flush the toilet every time you use it. Flush it only when you go number two. Or if it's really raining, then you better run out with every bowl or bucket you have.
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| 73 | The Best Diet Ever! | sherry | Done | 21 | 8/31/2005 |
Haven't seen you in so long!" Ha, Ha! This is great! Next thing you know, you will be skin and bones. No one will know you.
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| 72 | What a Yard Sale! | betty | Done | 20 | 8/23/2005 |
Delighted, I said, "This has been such a success, let's have a yard sale every weekend!"
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| 71 | Test Pilot | greg | Done | 21 | 8/17/2005 |
I knew perfectly well that we were over the coldest part of a TV dinner when you get it out of the microwave is always the center part. That's why you have to stir it it up, and the explosion was so BIG that I had to dive under a cloud was his nemesis, in a sneaky holding pattern.
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| 70 | A Day in the Life of a Dork | sherry | Done | 21 | 8/14/2005 |
Too bad some of them were warped from the heat in the attic. But I could always give them to my friend, ________ Raul. He'll know what to do.
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| 69 | Time for a Checkup! | bonnie | Done | 21 | 8/3/2005 |
Your choice." But that's OK-- we can replace it with saline, or I can tell you about our latest experiment: something we've been growing in the lab. Your choice." I knew I had to get out of there, and the only way to do it was to amputate from above the knee.
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| 68 | Building My New Cat Condo | betty | Done | 21 | 7/10/2005 |
They'll see little toy mice dangling from the penthouse roof. They will just love all the neat ideas I have come up with for their entertainment. For example, on the second level there will be a round hole, facing a raging fireplace.
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| 67 | Putting Up Wallpaper | greg | Done | 21 | 6/12/2005 |
So I went upstairs and screamed to let out the frustration. Then I went back downstairs and fixed myself a meatball lunch pocket. It was so good, I licked it again. "Hey! Quit that! You're getting wallpaper paste all in my hair!
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| 66 | My Newest Home Improvement Project! | betty | Done | 20 | 5/17/2005 |
Well, I did, anyway. She thought that the circular saw would be perfect to slice the ham and salami for our lunch that day - can you believe that?"
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| 65 | Phone Call | bonnie | Done | 21 | 5/9/2005 |
This is taking too long. What's your point?" "Okay, okay. I thought I'd better tell you what type of weapons you'll be using.
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| 64 | Airline Pilot | greg | Done | 21 | 4/23/2005 |
No time to lose; the passengers were eating up all the pretzels! Somebody slow them down!
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| 63 | I'm Not In It For The... | bonnie | Done | 21 | 4/6/2005 |
a SHRUBBERY! Or else you will regret it!" So I said, "Honey, I'm not in it for the lettuce! I'm in it for the quality time and cultural enlightenment. After all, who would know that the slacker pizza cook would just put a smattering of cheese on my pizza!
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| 62 | Hosting a Cooking Show | betty | Done | 21 | 4/12/2005 |
(Crowd goes "Ooooh!) Also, I prefer to use a plastic spatula, as opposed to eating what you fix right in front of the audience. You know they will want to taste some of the leavings had fallen on the floor and gone unnoticed. Eventually, this began to attract flies.
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| 61 | Ain't It Cool? | greg | Done | 22 | 4/7/2005 |
So I headed for the rodeo. I got my gloves, my chaps, and of course my hat. That hat and me go way back.
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| 60 | Competing with Starbuck's | bonnie | Done | 21 | 4/2/2005 |
He stood up and gathered his belongings, which was difficult to do while holding the coffee cup. Somebody else came along and mopped up the spilled latte, and then put up a sign that said, " Coffee leads to throat cancer", but another sign said "Coffee can cure ennui!"
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| 59 | My First Ocean Cruise | betty | Done | 21 | 3/28/2005 |
Ha! Ha!" Ha! Ha! Ha!" He laughed and exclaimed, "I'm turning this sucker into a waterside museum! Ha! Ha! Ha!" I could have told you he was crazy, and everyone would have agreed with me, but still, no one could believe what he did next: he set the throttle to flank speed, and ran the ship aground, right in the middle of the beach!
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| 58 | Captain Underpants | greg | Done | 21 | 3/23/2005 |
I pushed the lever and water erupted from the white platform. That's when I realized: it was a giant bidet! But to use a bidet this large, someone would have to have a butt the size of a pouf chair which happened to be covered with at least an inch of freeze-dried shrimp had rained down onto the roadway.
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| 57 | New Year's Resolutions! | bonnie | Done | 21 | 3/18/2005 |
And I'm all for a healthy diet, but don't you think you're taking it a little far?" She just couldn't understand why anyone would resolve not to exercise. I mean what are we here for? We must improve our health! So we're focusing on diet, exercise, stress management and decluttering of house, home, and mind.
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| 56 | Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon | betty | Done | 21 | 3/13/2005 |
But it was the dishes, falling on the kitchen floor because the kids were up on the counter trying to get their own breakfast! The rockets landed with a great sound like a car crash! But it was the dishes, falling on the kitchen floor because the kids were up on the counter trying to get their own breakfast!
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| 55 | Spy Base Alpha | greg | Done | 21 | 3/8/2005 |
Tense, shrill voices, eyes bugging out, people running too and fro trying hard to see the meteor shower. It was so beautiful and from outer space it looked even more chaotic. I don't know who, but someone needed to return to earth to get supplies. We were too quickly running out of everything: bottled water, powdered milk, and freeze-dried corpses of agents of years past.
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| 54 | Texas Winter | bonnie | Done | 20 | 3/3/2005 |
A lady brought us some cold drinks. Soon we felt better, so we hightailed it over to the rodeo to see how long we could stay seated on that wild bucking brown and white streaks on my skin! I hadn't applied my sunscreen evenly!
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| 53 | Christmas Shopping - 2004 | betty | Done | 20 | 2/26/2005 |
"Everyone's getting Jolly Ranchers this year!" I laughed maniacally as I headed for Costco and their 750-count, 10 pound bag. Once I got there I grabbed a seat an collapsed. How weary I felt! It was as if I had no limit on my credit cards!
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| 52 | Modeling Agency | greg | Done | 21 | 2/21/2005 |
The glass and steel facade of the Acme Modeling Agency was stark, but beckoning in a sophisticated way. This was it. Taking a deep breath, Jacqueline stepped over to the male model and adjusted his collar. Nice!
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| 51 | All I Need Is... | bonnie | Done | 21 | 2/16/2005 |
None of this makes sense to me. To help me I think I'll ask the bartender. "What do you recommend?" He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment before stomping on the gas pedal and screaming out of the parking lot like a bat out of H-E-double hockey sticks.
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| 50 | My Summer at the Archeological Dig | betty | Done | 21 | 2/11/2005 |
Here, put this one in his pocket!" I considered that, but decided it would be better to just hand it to him and let him put it in his pipe and smoke it.
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| 49 | Shopping at Lowe's | greg | Done | 20 | 2/6/2005 |
I'm going to climb up to the top shelf and get one myself! With that, I checked that no one was looking and threw my M&M's wrapper into the display toilet. But just as I turned around a man in a green overall quickly began to fall! Tumbling down the chute came a big load of bricks!
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| 48 | Anorexia Therapy | bonnie | Done | 21 | 2/1/2005 |
Now that you've realized you have a problem, we need to work on getting some meat on those bones! First, check out this picture of a double whopper with bacon and cheese!
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| 47 | Building My New House! | betty | Done | 23 | 1/27/2005 |
Wet cement reached from their toes all the way up to their knees! Either we're forming a habitat for something other than humans, or someone's gonna have to mow!"
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| 46 | Ultimate Ninja II | greg | Done | 21 | 1/22/2005 |
I was terrified!
I screamed out for several long minutes, the elation of victory like electricity shooting through my body.
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| 45 | Election Day! | betty | Done | 21 | 1/17/2005 |
We should have plenty of coffee and doughnuts to show our appreciation for all the free handguns being handed out at the NRA rally!" Meanwhile, across the street, the DNC rally was handing out free copies of the Communist Manifesto, which were all autographed by Snoop Doggy Dog and Jesse Jackson.
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| 44 | A Day in the Life of... | bonnie | Done | 20 | 1/12/2005 |
Puzzling over this, he decided to call for help from the adjoining nest, so they could quickly get the worms underground before the birds got them. Such a rich food source!
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| 43 | High School Carwash | greg | Done | 20 | 1/7/2005 |
We looked at him like we was nuts. We took it and squeezed it as hard as we could. Then we took both ends and twisted them into mangled balls of metal. The giant robot then kicked them out of his way, like soccer balls made of tin foil.
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| 42 | Pushed Over the Edge | bonnie | Done | 21 | 1/2/2005 |
After you do that, you should pull the emergency rip cord, hoping against hope that you won't end up splattered on the floor. Disgusted and demoralized, I bent to clean it up. The broken nose was so out of joint that breathing was difficult.
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| 41 | Cleaning Out the Garage | betty | Done | 21 | 12/28/2004 |
Russell used some when he worked at Busch; let's call him." So we called Russell to check out the buckets of unknown substance in the far corner. He stuck his face near, took a deep smell, and yelled, "I know exactly what it is!
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| 40 | HULK SMASH! | greg | Done | 20 | 12/23/2004 |
Russell screeched, and yelled, " IT MUST BE SOMEWHERE, BUT WHERE?!" Bricks were flying , windows shattering, the asphalt rippled and disintegrated with every impact.
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| 39 | Joining the PTA | bonnie | Done | 20 | 12/18/2004 |
They were famous for gigantic fund-raising fairs. In order to have lots of crafts to sell, they spent all year collecting all sorts of proof that the teachers weren't doing ther job.
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| 38 | Going to the County Fair | betty | Done | 20 | 12/13/2004 |
Everyone who saw them were amazed, but many couldn't help whispering to each other, " I surely would like a taste of that there apple pie! I know it will be a blue ribbon winner. Look at that flaky crust!
Look at those plump chunks of meat on that carcass. This is the best BBQ I've been to!"
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| 37 | News at 11 | greg | Done | 20 | 12/8/2004 |
Which store has the best deal on school supplies? What about separation anxiety? Here with their opinions on this story are economics expert Bylo Sellhi, and psychologist Druggum Tilltheyzone: "It is simple to see that John Kerry is a drugged up spendthrift."
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| 36 | Investigating Vegetarianism | bonnie | Done | 21 | 12/3/2004 |
What those vegans need are some good old pork rinds deep fried in lots of bubbly champagne. See, if you drink enough champagne, you forget you're on this lousy vegetarian diet, and you're free to create stupendous sculptures made from multicolored tofu.
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| 35 | Boppy's Trip to Texas | betty | Done | 21 | 11/28/2004 |
That, and spending an afternoon with President Bush at his ranch. He showed her how to bring down a runaway calf and hogtie 'em. he said. Boppy laughed and laughed. That was Boppy's favorite Texas memory! That, and spending an afternoon with President Bush at his ranch.
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| 34 | Dance Class | bonnie | Done | 21 | 11/23/2004 |
Fortunately, they breezed through all the physical training and went on to become decorated infantry. Their only recourse was to join the Army.
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| 33 | The Minotaur King | greg | Done | 21 | 11/18/2004 |
He howled, more in anger than pain for nothing could make a person madder than a knock on the nose. That soft cartilage is so sensitive, so easy to bleed, so tender and kind. I felt much better about the whole situation now that the lands no longer lived under the tyrannical ravages of the Minotaur King, the people would be free to laugh out loud, sleep in on weekends, and eat dessert at any time of day!
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| 32 | The Bizarre Bazaar | bonnie | Done | 20 | 11/13/2004 |
What a sight to see! I wonder if I could take them all home? For all of them I would need a room the size of plums! "Ooh. That's very nice," I said, smiling. "No thanks." I tried to be polite but firm. No one in his right mind would ever think of charging $100 for an old rug!
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| 31 | My Trip Around the World | betty | Done | 21 | 11/8/2004 |
It will be so cool to see from above the blackened scars in South America caused by the burning of the rain forests.
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| 30 | Downtown Precinct | greg | Done | 22 | 11/3/2004 |
And I probably should wear my gun. I'm nervous about this, you know. The fact that I'm addicted to placebos doesn't make it any easier. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference.
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| 29 | Growing Up on a Farm | betty | Done | 21 | 10/29/2004 |
But they don't seem to care much for city folk. They were always coming around here, blabbing about how much nice it is up north, where they have eaten the grass right down to the bare ground. I think we will have to plant some more right away!
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| 28 | The Dinosaur World | bonnie | Done | 21 | 10/24/2004 |
"We need to find some water," I said. "It's so humid and hot here. I'm so sweaty." Everyone agreed and started looking around. "Look at all these fossilized bones. I wonder how old they really are. Would they be as old as me?" She shook her head, and replied "I imagine these dinosaurs are at least 100 years old.
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| 27 | Gardening with Betty | greg | Done | 20 | 10/19/2004 |
Today we're going to look at these ivys. We have English, Boston, variegated; why we even have poison oak and poison ivy! Now you must beware of the last two because they are poisonous.
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| 26 | On the Open Road | bonnie | Done | 21 | 10/14/2004 |
Everyone loved it. "Do it again! Do it again!" They chanted, pounding their feet in rhythm.
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| 25 | The International Village | bonnie | Done | 21 | 10/9/2004 |
they jumped into the car and drove to the museum. They were so excited to see a dinosaur in the museum!
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| 24 | Weekend in Paris | greg | Done | 21 | 10/4/2004 |
Go back into your cave and drink your cafe au lait. Next time I see you I will give you $20, but only if you can seat us in a better part of the restaurant. Otherwise, all the berets in the city are going to end up in the river! And you know what that means: a Frenchman without a beret is like a woman without a new pair of shoes."
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| 23 | Xander Goes Shopping | betty | Done | 22 | 9/29/2004 |
We had to agree it was a good idea. But what to do next? And where to go next? I think we should go over to the hardware department and we can look for some Transformers!
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| 22 | Fart Dictionary | bonnie | Done | 21 | 9/24/2004 |
Now that's what I call skilled. they're actually farting in harmony! Now that's what I call skilled.
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| 21 | Boot Camp | greg | Done | 21 | 9/19/2004 |
See?" He demonstrated, and Private Munchausen said "I like to suffer, and I'm going to make you suffer too.
500 pushups on the double!" Everyone moaned and exclaimed," I don't wanna got to Iraq! I'm scared!" the Sarge growled, "You're goin'! So pull yourself together and straighten up that posture, soldier!
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| 20 | Good Old Pop's Drive-in | betty | Done | 21 | 9/14/2004 |
We screamed as his eyeball popped out! Everyone was completely amazed when it cheerfully called out, "I'M FREE!" And started rolling jauntily down the street, singing, "
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| 19 | Going Back to College | betty | Done | 21 | 9/9/2004 |
From her shiny blonde hair to her pretty face, impeccable spring pastel suit and pristine, stylish shoes, she was the picture of confident perfection. As she walked past, I could smell that old familiar odor of stale classrooms wafting down the hall.
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| 18 | If You Give a Mouse a Cookie | bonnie | Done | 21 | 9/4/2004 |
Every time they see you they'll turn around and moon you, and I mean every time! They are so rude. They must have learned how to do that from reading Soldier of Fortune magazine.
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| 17 | Our Summer Vacation | betty | Done | 21 | 8/30/2004 |
This one has been a blast!
We have had so much fun that I know next summer will be even better. I just must remember next time to bring more Immodium A-D. This crazy Mexican food is flowing through me like a dirt river."
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| 16 | Trapped in a Mine | greg | Done | 21 | 8/25/2004 |
But not to worry! Remember, we found a hidden cache of Moon Pies and RC Colas....plus we can always play the turn down game."
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| 14 | Our Visit to the Library | bonnie | Done | 21 | 8/15/2004 |
BE QUIET! BE QUIET! BE QUIET!" And then he yelled it again with even more emphasis," REVENGE IS SWEET, AND A DISH BEST SERVED COLD!!" By this time the cops had arrived and everything got very confusing after that. I realized this was a good opportunity to get out of there, so I quietly nudged past the jostling, shouting crowd, resisting the temptation to tear out the pages of the 1500-page unabridged dictionary and start making ragged origami with them.
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| 13 | Stress Reduction Techniques | bonnie | Done | 23 | 8/10/2004 |
(giggle!)" About an hour later we were all too drunk to stand up, but we sure weren't stressed anymore. Everyone please take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of beer on the wall! (giggle!)"
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| 12 | My New Job at Burger King | betty | Done | 20 | 8/5/2004 |
The supervisor clapped me on the back as the cameras flashed; but I didn't notice. I was busy fainting from the horror. Oh... The Horror... "I'm happy to be the one to tell you, you've just won a LIFETIME SUPPLY of Super-Sized Whopper Combo Meals!!!"
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| 11 | Cooking with Grandma | betty | Done | 22 | 7/31/2004 |
It will harden their pork brains until they're nice and crunchy. Then you dip them in chocolate, and roll them in crushed walnuts. When they are all finished, you place them carefully on a doily and garnish them with breath-freshening parsley.
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| 10 | Ultimate Ninja | greg | Done | 22 | 7/26/2004 |
Now what? His weapons were locked in the cabinet and he had lost the key! Too bad. Well he would just have to use his fisticuff expertise.
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| 8 | Wall Street Blues | greg | Done | 22 | 7/16/2004 |
Batman! Will somebody please tell me what kind of world we're living in when a man cannot turn a dollar into a million, or turn a Euro into a big fat wallet. Those were the only kind of wallets Greg carried around nowadays--genuine leather and filled to overflowing with Jacksons, Grants, and Franklins.
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| 7 | Going into Space | betty | Done | 21 | 7/11/2004 |
"I guess we will have to get out those old-fashioned space suits. What bummer!" So they hurried to put on their Superman underwear, because it was as inspiring as nothing else is. Thusly donned, they left--earning strange stares since the underwear was actually their outerwear. Sam said, The gravity is very different here, so don't be doing any jumping.
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| 5 | Ye Olde Medieval Days | betty | Done | 21 | 7/1/2004 |
asked Lady Betty. Sir Greg replied, "I think thou shouldst know that I am now a knight! No more slogging away in the hot wheat fields for me! Now I must needs go don my chain mail so patiently chained for me by Lady Man. Lady Man was known through the olde towne as a ravishing womanizer, and had gotten in trouble with one too many gladiators who had come from Rome to the countryside of England to train.
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| 4 | Barrister the Lawyer Cat | betty | Done | 21 | 6/26/2004 |
Miss Na Tasha was into heavy spitting, and Barrister had to resort to using a bowl of Grape-Nuts for a litterbox. Next, he pled for mercy before the court. Desperate he spoke directly to the jury, and he said with tearful eyes, " I really, really, really want to watch a kids' show!
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| 3 | The Big Conundrum | betty | Done | 21 | 6/21/2004 |
What they wanted to charge us was absolutely ridiculous. "I know," Betty said, "Let's go to the library and do research about Guinea Worms.
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| 2 | Woo baby! | greg | Done | 21 | 6/16/2004 |
We're doomed. As a result, they gave permission to build on the site of the historic battlefield never realizing that an apocolyptic tidal wave was only a few miles away and coming fast.
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| 1 | Big Computer | greg | Done | 18 | 6/11/2004 |
But Chad said, I've just about had it with these mice in the attic; It's time to take aggressive measures. Therefore I will dump this load of manure just where it will do the most good. And the best place for that will be in the kitchen, where the food is. Greg nodded slowly and deliberately as he reached for the Ovaltine.
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