Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022      You can see it, right next to the big ferris wheel. Whee! Let's go ride it! We can see the whole countryside and we can see all the people in the truck stop, staring at the calendar, realizing it's only a few days before Summer! Will we run out of time to catch the sunset. 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021     He was always generous with sprinkling the garlic salt, but he was very careful with the bottle of 1931 Sauvignon Blanc from France. This bottle had survived bombing runs, train rides, baggage valets handing it off from country to country, until it finally reached 2021. 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021      I chose to feel enraged and offended. I pulled out one of my several protest signs and started swinging it like a battle axe. The nearest bystander had to duck, to avoid being hit by a flying chocolate cream pie which had been lovingly prepared by Gordon Ramsay, who proceeded to blow his top and go on a profanity-filled tirade when he saw one of the customers use a dessert spoon when he was supposed to use a soup spoon. 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020     Happy and relieved, we smiled and stepped through the revolving door only to be snagged into a continual rotation! We could not get out! we were getting so dizzy, and as a last resort we tried crawling on our hands and knees. 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020     I guess I could find out on my phone, but turkey grease had dripped all over it and it was so slippery that I quickly had to unwrap a stick of butter and vigorously whipped the buttery mashed potatoes into a big mound of dog crap. 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019     They thought they had come down to the river just to get a breath of fresh air, and now look what was happening. a lady called out, "What about all that scum on top of the water?! How can they breathe? You quickly need to scoop out all that stagnant water!" 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019      But I just kept scrubbing with the bar of grit and learned online, I should be using my reading glasses. I thought the title of this story was "Trolling at 3am", so I went on the interwebs and collected the most toxic posts I could find, and I mixed them all together into a steaming hot mess, but unfortunately they didn't balance. 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     They had no worries, no nervous tics, and grinned at each other knowing they would be the first to land on Mars and start a Kiwi Colony! As the countdown began, the Kiwis settled comfortably back in their form-fitting astronaut seats and prepared for take-off. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019     Now, the weaponized and evolved robovacs had become an army, one which had a single purpose: to clean up the filth that is humanity. Like a sea of round, squat cockroaches, they approached inexorably, sunlight glinting off their gold-plated pens and the clips on their clipboards. 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019     When we asked him if he had heard the news, he said " On a day when it's rainy and stormy all day, that's the best kind of day to just relax in your favorite chair, read a book and take a nap. But be sure that the nap is not too long, because if it is too long it will make you fall asleep. I barely got 30 pages into Atlas Shrugged." 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019      In the attic? In the garage? Ah, man.. I will just go buy some new paper at the local Christmas wrap store. They had every kind you could think of, but I was really drawn to the sparkly tissue wrapping paper! That and the snowflake ribbons reminded me of when I met the real Santa years ago. 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018     It's got vitamins, minerals, and amino acids. Everything your body needs. 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018      Searching for a good spot to lasso the lead line, we spotted what appeared to be a very sturdy Viking axes protruding out of this rocky hillside. They were not even rusty! We tried and tried to pull them out, but we had woven that basket so tightly, they were firmly stuck. 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018     Well at least it was all dried up and easy to sweep it into a dustpan and carefully dump it into the ditch by the road. When it rains, the water runs down the hill, comes through the back door and flows all across the whole garage and goes out the door! 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018      How fun! And you definitely need some actual sunglasses if you're going to have an outside job in the summer, as well as a hat, sunscreen, and obviously you also need to have the emergency number nearby in case of a drunk late night customer. 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018     I got concerned so I called animal control services. When they arrived, they quickly put the fire out that was creeping toward the stump grass. And it's a good thing they did, because if they hadn't done so, and quick, we all know what would have happened. 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018      Hmmm... I think I will pick out a sweet little Donald Trump, the 45th president of the United States, wanted to meet Milo. All those Secret Service men! All those Body Guards! All those TV Crews! How could they all possibly fit in the cabinet under Boppy's sink? 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017      Who knew what would show up? We might even see a protest by a bunch of liberal snowflakes demanding safe spaces to protect themselves from being offended. Sure enough, I found one. I walked up to them and said, "You're so nerdy and yet so down-to-earth at the same time. 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017     I mumbled as I walked back to my motorcycle. "Might as well try to make some money out of this mess," I mumbled as I walked back to my motorcycle. So instead I placed a couple business cards. 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      I get instead a blast of the past. It's 80s music everywhere! It reminds of all the times that I ever wanted more in my whole life. Surely someone would figure out that what I really wanted was a simple joy. And isn't that part of the fabric of life? Letting yourself just enjoy all the simple things is life are so valuable. 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017     I've been waiting for at least 60 minutes we were in a quandary of what to do... We finally decided to DIG IN! MMMM! DELICIOUS! 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016      Excellent! Now we're stocked up for some New Year's Eve stompin' noisy fun! 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016     I was shocked by how many people showed up to take the Enthusiasm Class. We had chairs for most of them, but the rest had to sit on the floor. 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016     came over and saw the title, He exclaimed, " There's literally a party going on in the hall outside my door!" He hadn't even realized it, though, because he had not taken a shower in so long! 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016      The holes were obviously caused by a hailstorm. Serendipity! We collected the balls of ice and used them to rub the backs of the necks of the people who had passed out from the heat. As each one of them came back to consciousness, They said, " 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016     I shouted. Somber, she looked straight into my eyes for a moment. she said gravely, "It is real." "It's not real!" 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016     And the name of it was " Your dearest wish come true." Oh! 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016     I will call him right away and say." 3 large pizzas with pepperoni, red peppers, mushrooms, and plenty of carrots and pieces of coal to make the snowmen's faces. We gathered all of that together and put them in a laundry basket." These are handy to have around & have many uses. 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     her suitcase, that is! So we packed the extra stuff into a priority box and sent it to Hell in a handbasket! And there to welcome it into eternal damnation was none other than Xander and Ethan who decided to come for a visit too!!! 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016     I might as well take a nap. It's cold & cloudy today, so I am going to find my fur gloves and my fur hat, and put them on my dresser next to my collection of Birkenstocks and in fact, they were taking up so much floor space, that I had to rearrange a few things so that it would boil and roil and steam was rising rapidly. 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016     I needed not only a handkerchief but also a big box of old receipts!" The best way to tackle tedious jobs like that is to sit down with a BIG glass of wine and ponder for a while. Soon, you will feel focused and relaxed and ready to go out the front door to my new life! So I put on my hat, opened the door, walked out on to the front porch, and stepped into a new suit! 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015      Or you can say, " Pay for it with my Discover Dollars!! Woo hoo!!" It's like free money!! and who would that be? !! That would be SANTA!! The only one who delivers more Christmas presents than UPS! But you know he needs all the help he can get, and you can help by registering all your information on the website, so every time from then on you won't have to type in your office on your clicky-clacky IBM keyboard from 1981. 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015      It turned over layer by layer as I rotated the barrel. I expected a bad odor, but all I smelled was the thick, sticky smoke from Stevens' smouldering burn pile. I told him I could compost those yard clippings, but he said " 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015      Here comes the guy with the mop now ! He agilely bent over and handed a bouquet of flowers to a little girl. Surprised, she tried to scrape off the slimey skin but underneath she was shocked to find a handful of rare and fragrant Allegra roses! 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015     He was mad as hell, and wasn't going to take a long time to get through all that! So take a deep breath and enjoy the wonderful fall smell of burning leaves and the aromatic essence of powdered Dramamine, which helped keep my lunch down as the plane bounced and quivered its way to jump altitude. 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015      He slowly inched through the pasture field dodging cow pies and carefully watching out for the hot-tempered bull, which was hiding behind a clump of weeds. The General abruptly stiffened with alertness. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     And the surrounding area was covered in moldy gray moss that smelled like gym socks that had been stuffed with rotten onions and baby vomit. 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     Seriously, lead?!?!? Who puts that in a box of chocolate covered cherries. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015      How could anybody be that behind the times? Clearly it's time to fill your pot with dirt and of course water it. Why then would you not want that? Obviously, life would be easier with a million bucks. So I started taking classes on business at the local community college. 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     And make sure you tell him to bring exact change. When you're buying tickets for entertainment purposes, it's best if you just ignore this storyline because it does not have one. Who thought this up anyway?? It must have been Mr. Carrington, the newspaper deliveryman! 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015      Ethan will be glad to help you if you find your wallet is straining to hold all that money. First, we'll go out to lunch. Then we'll get a new phone. Then we'll get a PS4. and sure enough, an F5 tornado appeared out of nowhere and destroyed the whole town and everyone in it, including us. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     Grabbing my car keys, I hurried up to Lowe's to buy some mulch. It was on sale !!When I checked out I had bought so many bags, the total number came to 21. Three rows of seven each. That arrangement is perfect for the high school piano recital. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015      So good! Mmmmm. Mmmmmm gooood!!!! Mmmmmmmm! So good! Mmmmm. Mmmmmm gooood!!!! Sweat trickled down his leg and got on the beam, and when he took his next step, he closed his eyes and took the first bite. 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     You have to be careful if you encounter one because You can't tell if it is going to bite you or try to hump you! Red clothes will set it off so, be sure to take the time to look around and enjoy the scenery. 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015      They are so cute. If I tried to take a Koala cub home, I am sure the airport authorities would introduce me to Connor Trinneer, AKA Trip Tucker from Star Trek: Enterprise! 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015     In fact it should take about this long: 15 and a half femtoseconds. You would need a pulsed X-ray laser to measure that time frame! It could also measure each kid to make sure the desks were the right size. 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     So we worked through the night putting the final touches on the family portrait. If only everyone would stand still! 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     Keep up the good work! You know, nobody ever changed the world by sitting on a stack of steaming hot pancakes. and drizzle them with Sriracha hot sauce! And habanero sauce! And Colleen's kick-yo-ass hot sauce! 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014      Chop! Chop! Once they get good and cold, they will be ready for pickup! 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014      We had to turn on the exhaust fan and spray around the room a big new can of WD-40. The perfect answer to our problem--WD-40 is famous as a remedy for squeaky hinges and cleaning away sticky gunk, but I bet you didn't know you can also use it for a lethal weapon. uh-oh. 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014     He dropped his torch and it sputtered, going out in moments. He was left in utter darkness and promptly eaten by a grue. Well-stuffed tummies are definitely a part of Christmas: pot-bellied snowmen, Santa...all indicative of prosperity and feasting. 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     Get away from me with those unwashed hands, those filthy clothes, those rock formations look suspicious." Indeed, upon further observation, my screen was all smeared so I read up on the internet how to clean it, and it said to spray it with glow-in-the-dark paint. 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014     In a situation like that, nobody but nobody wants their oxygen tank to run out! You would have to rush to fill it again with concrete. This time, we're going for permanence! We're also going for the ultimate challenge of reaching Mars in less than the time it takes for a comet to become invisible again to the naked eye. 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     We have only so many square inches of skin! Plus during the heat of the day we will be under the gun to finish all fun and games we'd been planning on having a big family picnic; so we called everyone and asked them each to bring a basket of posies, so we could dance around them and sing morbid songs about the bubonic plague. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014      What a garbled mess this has become!!! At least I was able to kill all the drop bears and goblins, well, sort of, I guess." Then she thought to herself: "I sure do hope there aren't eggs in that cave over there." 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014      Wow! I just saw the BEST movie of all time! Only, I don't think anyone else understood why I went to the movies even though I was blind! They didn't realize that my excellent sense of hearing allowed me to pick up even the slightest nuance of sound, and my vivid imagination I never would have guessed she would DIE from it! 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     Face down on the ground! Put your hands behind your back stalked a ninja! He was there the ENTIRE TIME! When I realized that, I began to run as fast as I could to get home. sign. 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013     Smell that? It's napalm. In the morning. I LOVE IT! It smells like victory and then, when you least expect to find roly poly bugs in the flower pots. 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     I walked over to get a closer look, and punched him in the face! He yelled, " HEY!! WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!" Stunned, I whirled around and to hear Penelope throwing up! My game was interrupted! I was halfway through getting an upgrade for my level 1 Floor Sweeper. 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013      Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of tiny red garden ripe tomatoes that are so tasty when they are added to the pease porridge in the pot, nine days old. 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     It used gravity wells and quantum tunneling to launch giant blue whales from every port in the country, in celebration of the Year of Cheese! The streets were teeming with people donning their cheddar hats, colby jack vests, and of course, their feta shoes. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     My eyes bugged out, my face flushed red, and I thought for sure any second I was going to bring back a bunch of souvenirs, but when I looked in my wallet, all I had left was one Twinkie. 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     What if we ran out of food?!! Would any stores be open? I opened the phone book to look for Christmas presents. she exclaimed, "It's not even Thanksgiving yet, and already you're behind schedule!" Clearly the only thing to do now is have seconds! 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     Next I got out the shop vac to try to scoop up that big puddle of spit on the desk where I apparently had passed out from exhaustion. on the Discovery channel, and in the other hand I was flipping through my JOGAR recipe book I found a recipe for pizza with added chopped beef? 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012     Before anyone would take any of the glistening, tempting flutes, I barked, "NO. 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     You never know what you might find under all those boxes." In fact, down on the floor in the far corner, I found a reason to live again! 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011     "I don't want the malls to close until midnight! Because then I will have time to start shopping for Groundhog Day!!!!!!!!!!" I retorted. "I don't want the malls to close until midnight! Because then I will have time to start shopping for Groundhog Day!!!!!!!!!!" 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     Where's my money, you silly stupid old fool?" Since he was no Jimmy Stewart fan, the zombie jumped out of the monitor and uttered a gravelly :) voice at me, and said right into my ear, " 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     She buzzed right in with a big flyswatter and started swatting us on the behind. Clearly she wasn't sure what to throw away and what to keep. 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009     That way they would never suspect that the next place I put the hat would be like crushing prunes into stewed okra. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     It all started when Ethan ran into the living room to take a swing in Greg's new hanging chair, only to discover that he had forgotten his Prozac. 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008      I decided to get a second opinion. The new doctor examined me, and with a big smile on his face, said to me, " Boy are you in luck! Just today we got a whole shipment of dynamic proportions." 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007      Abiathar, the superhero of sunny disposition and ensemble, was on a mission. 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007     That's why I have to soak my hands in hot paraffin every night. What a relief! Then the next day I am ready to open fire with my thermonuclear missile pack. I activated the targeting mechanism, punched in the coordinates, and pushed the escape button over and over to no avail. 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007      So get out the special shears and with great vigor attack the dogs which had taken to pooping on the lawn. 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007      I needed some deodorizing spray, so I went to the store and bought a can of Great Stuff and sprayed it into the crevice. It expanded quickly into a hard, yellowish goo which was perfect for the cats new dining area. 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006      There's no place better than Montana to test the speed of your new car, but just getting there without a speeding ticket is the tricky part. Anyway I arrived and after mapping out my routes, I decided to stop at a truck stop and pick a fight. I was feeling all ornery, so as soon as I walked through the door I was frisked by a big burly policewoman. 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006     Or sell one of his beamers. Or he could always try to throw up in the bedpan. Why don't the nurses ever come when you need them? Maybe it's because they accidentily stitched him up with tools still inside his abdominal cavity! It wouldn't have been the first time. 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     I'm starvin'! I ain't had nuthin' to eat but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days! Why can't we have more toilet paper in here? Those rolls go down in a hurry, especially when all the managers flock around me like buzzards! 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006     I peeked around and suddenly saw that someone was peeking back at me! It was none other than Mr. T, leaning out the window of his 1982 GMC van, yelling, "Get out of the road, sucka!" I ran toward the van to try and get his autograph, but he growled, "I ain't got time for your jibba-jabba, fool!" 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006     That's why one time I was talking to Dr. Stephen Hawking and he said "Isn't that something! Isn't that something! We started laughing hilariously and we had to enunciate to be understood. If you mispronounce something you could really offend somebody by saying something you didn't intend. 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006     Dodging tiny glass shrapnel, I jumped through hoops trying to get the lights to the top of the tree, but only succeeded in getting them around the rosey, a pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all sang "Ring Around the Rosie"! We were so happy to get the job finally finished, that we proclaimed a toast to be buttered and jammed in her honor. 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005      Come appraize my house, and bring your 5 clipboards! "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!" I laugh with raucous glee. You will be sorry; you will be very sorry when I stumbled upon a fully-loaded phaser rifle. It must have been dropped by an alphatrooper when he recovered from the blow to his head, he knew he would have to activate his quantum shields before it was too late! 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005      But it was worth it, because life isn't measured in how many breaths you take, but in how many moments like these, I lift up a song, I lift up a love song, to Jesus! 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005      I pulled my beret lower over my fear of crashing. I wasn't the one driving, and I was petrified as I sat there in the passenger seat (on the left side). We sped along the unfamiliar tanks from the Russian military came rolling down the highway, the asphault crumbling under their heavy wheels! 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005     Where, oh where, are you tonight? Why did you go and leave us alone? We searched the mall index to find a good place to eat, and we found the intriguing listing of "The 12 days of diarrhea. 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005     To which the manager, confused, replies, " Yo man, why you do me like dat? I'm the shizzle for my nizzle. And you know you're not allowed to eat mistakes! Put that in the waste bucket!" Reluctantly, I placed the tomato heels and limp lettuce on each one of the cash registers. 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005      Cackling evilly, I carved scary faces into all the pumpkins in the patch! Then all the seeds and pulp I threw into the back of my Dodge Ram pickup truck. 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015      Sit down quickly and write your name at the top of your game. Because clothes make the man. That's why I wear dorky clothes and spike my hair with glittery gel. Who knows? I might be spotted by the next agency of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. I stepped through the door and fell through a hole in the floor! 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005     Would it help if I released the emergency brake? She smiled sweetly and pushed the button that sent them all hurtling into a black hole. No light speed??? 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005     I couldn't believe it! What a easy test this was! I had learned this stuff in high school. I breezed through the first half, and then my heart sank as the teacher chided loudly, "NO, NO, NO...you're doing it wrong!" 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     Let me demonstrate, Kent." Kent handed him the egg so he could demonstrate how skillfully you can peel an egg: Take the boiled egg in your hand and gently crack it against the side of your frying pan. 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005      We had to go to Sam's Club to buy the biggest bag of M&M's and while we were there we also bought a big box of Tide detergent! 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005      The water flew out and drenched the apple pie in whipped cream, which I then cheerfully took to the neighbor's house. 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005     But I still had the feeling I wasn't in Kansas anymore...Maybe it was the mountains that painted the horizon or simply the fact that there wasn't a corn field in sight. 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005     The vest, of course, is for protection. That way, in case you roll over you will always land right side up again, which is why you must always make sure your safety harness is correctly fastened. 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005     It's a mirage! It's actually a water-saving toilet, and it cost much more than I could afford. In fact it cost a dollar. The cigarette lighter cost a dollar. The foil pinwheel toy cost a dollar. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005      Then I can pick out veggies that have the lowest number of meals per day. It's good to keep track of the total number of inches lost around the waist. Here, take this tape measure and see what your KNEES look like! Now that's what I call slim! Next thing you know, you'll be able to actually see your toes instead of your belly and put your wedding ring on without using petroleum jelly! 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005     The grass was all mashed down, because all the people had found such great bargains, and were so delighted, they asked us if we would consider administering a state-wide network of yard sales from an executive highrise in Manhattan. 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005     and take off my lucky socks. I didn't need them today--I felt like I could take on the world! And I didn't need a stupid navigator to tell me where we were. I knew perfectly well that we were over the coldest part of a TV dinner when you get it out of the microwave is always the center part. 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005      I asked. "I'm only doing that today," he answered, "tomorrow I'm going to upgrade my PDA to have 256 MB of RAM! she said, "I just can't relax unless I know that you have other clothes to wear besides one bearing logos and movie quips from Star Wars, Star Trek, Tron and Hackers, I'll never go out with you!" 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005     I hear those things can really mess you up. But when I got there, the doctor said "Ma'am, I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but that's not how you're supposed to wear the hospital gown." 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     Like Confucious say, "Cat never full." That's why you have to have a wide base, or else a strong foundation, if you're going to make it that tall. So to save floor space, you could try cement ing your mouth shut and let me do the thinking, OK? 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005      So, to those of you who choose to take on the challenge of putting up wallpaper - my advice to you is avoid putting a lot of holes in the wall, because that will only cause discoloration later. 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005      I almost lost it - not only were there woodchips in my sandwich, but now my favorite electric tool was perfect for sanding the hardwood floor prior to refinishing it. 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005      Just hold on a second while I answer my cell phone........oh, and now there goes my beeper! well, you know the rest of the neighborhood will shortly know all about it if you tell her. 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005     and see right before our eyes the ground rushing up toward us! No time to lose; the passengers were eating up all the pretzels! 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005     a SHRUBBERY! Or else you will regret it!" So I said, "Honey, I'm not in it for the lettuce! I'm in it for the quality time and cultural enlightenment. After all, who would know that the slacker pizza cook would just put a smattering of cheese on my pizza! He even missed a couple spots! 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005      MY own Cooking Show! The studio kitchen was sparkling, brand new appliances, and plenty of brandy. That helps takes the edge off when you get too stressed. Got your expensive Ginsu knives?? Great. Take them out and smile with satisfaction at that golden-brown glazed finish! 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005      I drove up in my new car. I screeched to a halt, jumped out, and exclaimed to my friends, "Ain't it cool? I got it for 10 cents at the thrift store! Why would anyone want to eat eel? 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005      What gives? Obviously some of the rest of us are entitled to a piece of the action. So here's the plan: Rent a storefront, buy some coffee beans, and to grind them, buy a big muffin. The bigger the better. 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005     Stunned, I replied "But it was right here! I put it there myself!" I was completely flabbergasted! I had lost my third game of shuffleboard! What to do? I think I should sit out the next one and work out a new lodging arrangement. 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005     Captain Underpants and his sidekick Angel Soft jumped in the vehicle, and roared off to the water treatment plant! 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005      "The ad said this would make my thighs look smaller!" She said. Incredulous, he asked, "But how would you get rid of all that flab in just 2 weeks? It cannot be possible! Why, you would have to walk at least 100 FEET if you park this far away! 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005     has to step in and crush the resistance which happened to be the shotgun-toting tomato, Bob. It's Veggie Tales: Garden Guerillas. In the first episode, Ren and Stimpy challenged Mr. 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005      Tense, shrill voices, eyes bugging out, people running too and fro trying hard to see the meteor shower. It was so beautiful and from outer space it looked even more chaotic. 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005      We're here to relax! Those beach balls are just too big! The pool isn't big enough ! and she pointed at a picture of the "Beef Stampede." 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005      I have a wallet full of money and all kinds of sales to go to. I must make a list of people whom I want to give back to the community. 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005     This was it. Taking a deep breath, Jacqueline stepped over to the male model and adjusted his collar. Nice! But still, she really did want to do modeling herself. Sigh. I guess for now, it was all just a fantasy! She paused for a final jelly doughnut before entering the inner sanctum of the plush office where dozens of models were milling around, considering who would look best in which outfit. 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005     And that is hard to find. To see a good selection I think I will have to go to the baths, and have a good soak. After that I should feel really blessed and just happy to be alive. It would have to be at least 8 feet tall and 4 feet wide. And that is hard to find. To see a good selection I think I will have to go to the baths, and have a good soak. 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005     one student asked. "I don't know, let's taste one and see. Yummy! They are still good after all these years! Give one to the director. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005     I yelled, "We need a pilot!...No, I mean a forklift driver!" And here he came wearing an apron with many pockets! I had to giggle because it reminded me of all the failed projects in the past. I always either had too little lumber, too few nails, or too few employees available to help me! 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005      It's O.K. Just throw out all your mirrors, and get those Amusement Park ones that make you look fatter than you really are. Then you'll look normal! You can finally eat whatever you please, whenever you please, even if it means you see the number on the scale go up one! 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005      I'm sure if I did I would have an underground playroom! Complete with tire swing, roller-skating area, dress-up box, and kitchenette! All the neighbors' kids were stomping in the mud, making a big mess: so I put them to work mixing up the cement instead. They loved it! 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005     GET LOSE!! YOU CANNOT COMPARE WITH MY POWERS!!" As powerful as he was, he couldn't resist by Cloud of Ten Lightning Fists. 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005     I bet that would get more people to vote! You need live music, kiddie rides, free food, and most of all you need A BRAIN ! So why not stick some on the voting booths for fun? 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005      We couldn't believe it! Such a concentration of food in such close proximity! Immediately we set to bringing it into the nest. 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005      It smelled like the driver must be a smoker. Frowning, we decided we could first try vacuuming up all the fragments of dried vomit. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005      He cleaned his sink when the water would not go down any more. Yeah! Then he would celebrate with a big scream, which merged into tears which shot straight out for four feet, and led to snot rivers from the nose to the chin. 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004      I'm cracking up! I need to stop and take a break. I'll just put this Dr. Enuf into the freezer to get cold. It will really taste good with a piece of moldy bread!" Who knows how long that had been there! "That's disgusting!" 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004     Me go the wrong way on a one-way street. Me knock you into the middle of the walls of the building across the alleyway!" Luckily no one was eating at the time. The smell was horrific. Everyone made a dive for the only door. 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004      But today my concerns would not so easily be laid to rest. Next to my brass desk set I laid my Kindergartener's Spider-Man folder. In it was an invitation to join the PTA. At first, I'd thought I'd died and gone to heaven. The Plutonium Transporters of America! They were famous for gigantic fund-raising fairs. 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004     and the party continued into the wee hours of the morning. He turned around, and suddenly, "NINJA!" and the party continued into the wee hours of the morning. 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004      What about separation anxiety? Here with their opinions on this story are economics expert Bylo Sellhi, and psychologist Druggum Tilltheyzone: "It is simple to see that John Kerry is a drugged up spendthrift." The newscaster all agog at such a statement, quickly stuttered into a station break, and the first ad was about a block away from the scene. 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004     Get ready to mash those soybeans and mold the tofu into shapes resembling flowers. Admittedly, that artistic effort, combined with the variety of color in the salad made it extraordinarily beautiful. However, I sighed, knowing that again, soon after eating, I'd be hungry. 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     I have no idea how to get to the Transportation Museum. I want to see the Pullman cars again and sit on the sofas made from styrofoam and gasoline. Mix it up real good, and boom! You have home-made napalm. 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004     Their only recourse was to join the Army. Fortunately, they breezed through all the physical training and went on to become decorated infantry. (SPLAT!) The class all laughed, because they knew she was just not the type. Their only recourse was to join the Army. Fortunately, they breezed through all the physical training and went on to become decorated infantry. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004     I looked up, and towering above me was the Minotaur King himself. I shook in my boots, I sweated pools of gravy. "Boy, this is sure going to blow my diet!" she said, " Get your armor on and sharpen your sword and let's go do some fighting, and then let's go do some laundry, because I'm sure you'll all agree we're starting to smell. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004     I asked the white, gristly fellow. He said, "I don't have enough money. just wait while I go over to that ATM where I can get some fresh strawberries! My favorite food! and there they are! 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004      Yum! "This will hit the spot! This is good for an appetizer. What's the main course?" 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004      Yeah, One says to the other, "I think I lost an electron!" The second one says, "Are you sure?" And the first one says, "I'm positive!" Get it? That's the way we do things around here. And sometimes I had to bash some heads to make it happen. 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004      It didn't matter to him which twelve hours it was. Next we had to kill the hogs to make bacon and sausage. 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004     I said. "It's so humid and hot here. I'm so sweaty." Everyone agreed and started looking around. "Look at all these fossilized bones. I wonder how old they really are. Would they be as old as me?" She shook her head, and replied "I imagine these dinosaurs are at least 100 years old. 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004      Getting dirty is half the fun. The smell of the fertile earth is like the perfume of the Garden of Eden. There is no better smell except for the smell of tulips, lavender, and freshly cut grass. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004      Then he got on the motorcycle, but it wouldn't roll. He realized he needed to oil his wheels. 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004     We rampaged through the tattered remains of library for an hour, and finally found her yak! "There you are!" She called. "I've been looking all over for you!" She was distressed to see its hoof stuck between two rocks, but at the same time knew its mooing/braying for help was the only was she was able to find it so fast. 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004      But over here we call them pommes frites, and we like to smother them with sauteed onions. It just doesn't get much better than that! 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004      Let's go find an ice cream freezer in this place, and look in it to see if we can find some quarters so we can play a few final video games before we have to go." 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004      You are a sissy! You are a sissy!" When they heard us say that, they immediately began farting in unison. they're actually farting in harmony! Now that's what I call skilled. "You have sissy farts! You are a sissy! You are a sissy!" 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004      Remember you are representing the United States of America, the most powerful country in the world! then do 500 more... muh--errgghhk..." He started foaming at the mouth and just could not resist biting the tar out of every single drill sargeant on the base. 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004      There was something dark and sinister about him. He was an overweight, hairy man, and as of yet, I hadn't heard him say a word. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004     Ha ha ho ho." At this, we slowly backed out of the room and ran lickety split down the hall yelling our lungs out, "Help! Help! We need help!" Hearing our calls, suddenly out of the dean's office appeared a lovely young woman. From her shiny blonde hair to her pretty face, impeccable spring pastel suit and pristine, stylish shoes, she was the picture of confident perfection. 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004      Now what? Well, just fill it up again. To accomplish this, one will have to accumulate enough borax to kill all the mice. "Hell, Betty," Dad said, "There's enough borax here to kill an elephant, or at least a raisin or a chocolate chip. 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004     Don't you ever get tired of going to the same place for vacation every year? This time, why don't you go to the creek and wade in the cold water? It will cool you off and you will feel much better. 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004      And that's ALL I NEED! And my pup tent. In case it rains. And that's ALL I NEED! 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004     And then he yelled it again with even more emphasis," REVENGE IS SWEET, AND A DISH BEST SERVED COLD!!" By this time the cops had arrived and everything got very confusing after that. 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004      We all ran outside in our white robes and saw to our surprise a big birthday cake, covered with candles and exquisitely patterned icing, sitting on the table. 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004      There's just something not quite right about these buns. Too many sesame seeds I think. Hey they look more like poppy seeds! Now we're in trouble. The Sheriff will think we have turned into an opium den. 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004      And this was the photo they were going to publish in the newspaper next to her recipe for Banana Upside-Down Chocolate Chip Brownies with walnuts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And wash 'em down with a tall glass of chocolate milk. A month later, when we got a craving for them again, all we had to do was pull some extra we'd saved out of the freezer! 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004     he said. " We can take them and subject them to my newest ultimate move: Swirling Vortex of Thousand-Hand Doom!" He stealthily lunged out from under cover, and they immediately began shooting 360 degrees around their location, blowing away over half the threat in the first 4 seconds. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004      I mean ALL of it. Hand it over or I will give you a million dollars in exchange for leaving the country and never mentioning this again!" Extending his hand, Greg expected a benefits package which includes prescription and dental. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004      The countdown began. We were really really going! Who would have believed that we, untrained as astronauts, could really take a trip to the hobby store, to see what the biggest rocket motor available was. Unfortunately, they were disappointed to find no atmosphere! 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004      Greg the lowly serf, plodded toward the field of wheat, dreading another day of bending, kneeling, scorching heat, and gathering buckets of vomit, which had accumulated quickly because of the plague. asked Lady Betty. 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004     the driver exclaimed as he leaped out. It was Tom Daschle! Laughing, we walked off down the sidewalk, leaving the mess for somebody else to clean up. The shopkeeper couldn't believe it! What was happening?!! Here was the judge, jury, attorneys, the whole court coming into his store! 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004     The similarity was remarkable! The eyes, the nose, even the way he parted his hair. He waved at him, and yelled, "Where did you graduate from? 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004     However, how formidable could he be? Considering his cache of armor, he chose a shield, a big one, because his heart was gripped with fear that he would become dragon food: flame-broiled, crispy baby back ribs smothered in a tempting and tasty blanket of spicy hot peppers and smothered in cheese! 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     Oh, how he had suffered without them! Now, long gone would be the pain. How he remembered when he had broken his wrist playing badmitton with an orc.