Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022     Was I even hungry? And was breakfast the appropriate meal for this time? I looked at the clock, and suddenly realized! It's summer! That must explain why we always want to have a picnic with friends and family. And when I finally checked the calendar, I realized our next house is going to need multiple fireplaces, because that last winter was a doozy! 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021     Who keeps a jar of real eyeballs? It's like a cry for help, or something. All this stuff had to be bagged and filed as evidence. We had a big job ahead of us: figuring out how to get in a vehicle fast enough to outrun the sun as it moved from east to west. 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021     Tensed, he listened and his eyes sparked. He recognized that sound. Infuriated, he snorted, and the breath was visible in the cold air. The hills echoed with his bellow of rage, and remnants of soft verses of Psalmic peace. I was at a loss. How should I feel? I chose to feel enraged and offended. 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020      Once we entered the most secure part of the facility, it became clear what had everyone on edge: There was a large hidden aquarium covered with heavy drapes. We apprehensively and slowly pulled back a drape and saw to our wonderment and dismay a large thunderstorm right in our path! 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020      Oh boy, the house smelled so good from Xander's fresh baking bread to the roasting turkey. Winston walked into the kichen and he immediately started to thaw it. After about 8 hours, the turkey was halfway cooked. 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019      And he doesn't know a thing about software unless it is his mitered hat, but that is kinda stiff. And shelves? He never puts anything away. Someone else does it for him, just as when he wants to sit down, what do you think happens?? 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019      I picked up my shotgun, set it in its place in the gunrack, and checked it off on my inventory list. Whew! This itemization for homeowner's insurance was going to take FOREVER! category for an hour and I wasn't even halfway through! There must be a faster way! But I just kept scrubbing with the bar of grit and learned online, I should be using my reading glasses. 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     It was impossible to deny: Sweet dreams are made of cheese / Who am I to dis a brie? / I cheddar the world and the feta cheese / Everybody's looking for stilton. And then there was a drum solo. In the midst of all that excitement, the drummer suddenly stopped and there was silence for a tense moment. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019     It got caught on everything! it even got stuck on logistics. Luckily, we had somebody here who knows how to ask all the right questions so we can work out a feasible plan. She asked, "How do we know this robo-vacuum will do any better a job than the last one?" 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019      So just relax and admire the autograph. "You rock! Love, Thunderstorms", it read in a barely legible hand. 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019     It was truly a monumental day. Everyone was happy. Everyone was full of good food. And everyone vowed, "I won't stop until I get my revenge on you!" It was then I finally realized as I reflected on everything that had happened, that this had truly been the best Christmas ever! 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018     Take one out, pass it around, 98 bottles of fire propellant, obviously. You might be wondering why I would think of such a thing! Well, I didn't. I will blame it on Smokey the Bear and his trusty cohort in crime, namely The Cheat--a strange, small creature skilled in stealth and thievery. 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018      They were not even rusty! We tried and tried to pull them out, but we had woven that basket so tightly, they were firmly stuck. The only solution we could think of was to cut the rope to the anchor so we could drift away from the whirlpool...hopefully. 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018      That should remove all concern about anybody going through my trash. All those bank statements, etc., you don't want people to know your every little insecurity!" Well, when somebody puts it like that, it makes perfect sense. From that point on, I knew I had to block the back door fast because water was truly running down the hill and quickly coming into the living room where we were playing a board game. 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018     In the last hour they emptied the cash registers into special bank bags and took them all to task on proper upsale technique. "Remember, the customer doesn't know what they want to buy. 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018     Granted, the stuff makes you hallucinate, but it tastes like liquid gold. I couldn't imagine walking one more mile without at least a gallon of the stuff on hand, so I started scrounging around for old rags to wipe up the spilled lemonade and the big pool of melted popsicles. 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018     "They're designed to be mousetraps, and are cute and fuzzy too." I scooped him up and went through a massive stone archway, imposing and mystical. 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017     It was pandemonium! Chairs were flying, fists were flying, and threats were splashed across the campus center walls with hot pink paint. We could not let visitors see them! 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017     They had lined their entire property with mirrors! "How strange," I exclaimed, as I tried to climb over the fence, but scintillating disco balls blinded me and I couldn't continue! The light was brilliant! So bright I had to shield my eyes with my hands and with a soft folded napkin lovingly wrapped around, I placed the tombstone behind the fresh grave, as requested. 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      Another good way to do that would be to sprinkle that special salt all over the road. That makes driving safer because I was wearing my hiking boots that had traction straps stretched around them. These featured steel posts that would dig into the ice so you can melt the snow so you can flush your toilet! 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017      MMMM! DELICIOUS! We finally decided to DIG IN! MMMM! DELICIOUS! I've been waiting for at least 60 minutes we were in a quandary of what to do... We finally decided to DIG IN! MMMM! DELICIOUS! I'm starving!!! 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016     First we went to Cosco and loaded up on lots of wood glue, posterboard, hammers, and nuclear material. That's everything we need for assembling a Gatling gun! And just in time, too. Any minute now the UPS man will come down the street in his brown truck and deliver multiple packages full of those plastic air-filled cushions. 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016     We had chairs for most of them, but the rest had to sit on the floor. That's okay, though, because it wouldn't last very long. Each group had to write an essay explaining the best way for the REST of the groups to be enthusiastic. 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016      Choosing his favorite one, he popped it into the microwave for 3 minutes, and when he took it out, it looked like a true man cave! Xander's new home and everyone in the dorm gathered there to eat fresh bread and butter. !!Xander opened his closet door and found 4 little flowerpots! 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016     He looked at me like I was an idiot. he said as we sped toward the marina. 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016      Many have never heard of it, and if they have, they think What's the use?? No matter what we do it always turns out to be time to make more Greg Pizza! Besides the regular beef and pepperoni topping, I also had too many solar lights in the yard. 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016     So, now we pre-treat the stains with a solution of water and detergent. Sorting laundry correctly is very important. If you mix darks with whites, the whites will turn pink if you wash the reds with them! 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016      You could easily run into a large elk, arctic fox, or other similar sleds and sleighs, all designed to go really fast down a snowy hill, as long as they were not running around in their underwear as if they were about to take the Polar Bear Plunge. 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     It had the monogram "A", which I thought stood for "Ackerson", but it actually was 4 hours before we finally got out of Costco ! Before we left Bonnie go garnished with parsley and those mini hot peppers. But, they were so hungry that they did not have enough cash to pay for the purchases at Costco, so they emptied all their pockets and ended up with the dollar amount of $ 4, payable in two Thomas Jefferson bills. 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      I gingerly circumnavigated the sharp rocks and came upon an enormous double cheeseburger. It must have weighed two pounds. It almost covered the plate! Next to it was a plastic pot containing a pitiful plant, nearly dead from lack of internet service. When will it come back on?? 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016     Soon, you will feel focused and relaxed and ready to go out the front door to my new life! So I put on my hat, opened the door, walked out on to the front porch, and stepped into a new suit! Perfectly pressed and tailored, it did wonders for my mood, and I felt so happy and confident, I called up all my friends and invited them over for a little thing we like to call an "Intervention." 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015     The sound was like a cash register that would not stop....I had blown my budget big time and now I for sure must make a decision. But that's so difficult to do when your eyes are so blurry after cataract surgery! 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015     He turned to go, which was awkward because he was carrying bucket load after bucket load of stinking garbage and pouring it carefully into the concrete mixer. I pulled the lever and it started slowly turning. I had to wait about two weeks. Then, once I found my shovel and a bucket, it was time to start to start bagging up the compost to sell at our roadside stand.Per bag, the price would start at $159.00 Some may say that's high, but it's worth it because good compost does not stink ! 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015     They were holding handkerchiefs over their noses and were mumbling, " Aaahhh! and proceeded to have a coughing fit that lasted for approximately 20 seconds. Then everything continued as before, except, curiously, one boy on a skateboard crashed through the Deli's plate glass window and he landed in the bin of expired fruit. 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015     "Now get ready for the fall!" He roughly shoved me toward the edge of the precipice. Talk about getting ready to fall! Getting ready for falling? Thinking fast, I ran down the hill trying to stay ahead of the rolling pumpkin. 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015     Or DC Talk Redux." He switched to listening to Peter Furler Band instead and went to put some more shrimp on the barbie, then played footy with his mates until they got attacked by a pack of rabid dingoes. More like Taitboys. Or DC Talk Redux." He switched to listening to Peter Furler Band instead and went to put some more shrimp on the barbie, then played footy with his mates until they got attacked by a pack of rabid dingoes. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     And giant spikes made out of wood logs! And the surrounding area was covered in moldy gray moss that smelled like gym socks that had been stuffed with rotten onions and baby vomit. 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     Layers and layers of vegetables, meats and cheeses, all between two pieces of angel food cake. Now where is that whipped cream and those sugared syrupy pasta dishes, which are only appropriate for Christmastime! 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015     Why then would you not want that? Obviously, life would be easier with a million bucks. So I started taking classes on business at the local community college. I also took my time thinking up a good password. too smart for me" !! I just gave up and started playing Soda Crush. 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     Well I will show you! I will give you a big fat wallet full of money if you will go over there and smack that bully. We are all getting tired of this continual harassment. 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015     Because you didn't eat your Wheaties or drink your whole milk. No wonder you feel weak and you don't want to see me when I'm angry. A better course of action would be to slap him in the face! Then yell, "Don't you dare ever do anything for you ever again! 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     and called the cops, thinking I was about to hang a hippopotamus. Before I could explain myself, the owner of the garden center rushed over, alarmed yet civil, and insisted that I present certification from the county that I had been approved to dig an artificial pond. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015      I wanted the batter to stay fluffy, so very gently I hollowed out each cupcake and spooned in a mixture of soft serve ice cream, grated coconut, ground-up Kit-Kat bars, and wet walnuts. 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     I knew they only SEEMED closer...or were they really? The clear sky released the oppressive heat, and stars started to blink on. I knew they only SEEMED closer...or were they really? It could also be caused by heavy and drenching downpours of rain which then froze over the entire Rock when the temperature suddenly dropped. 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015     It was so hot! It made me want to go to San Antonio, Texas to visit Bonnie, Chad, Xander, Ethan, and their dog named all the cats in the neighborhood: "Stinky", "Spazzy", "Sissy McWeepington", "Sir Pukesalot", etc. 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015      How exciting! Getting hired is one of the biggest energy boosts ever! They say the most important thing to consider when deciding to accept a new job is whether or not to include your brief stint as a soldier of fortune. That job took you to the back room to show you where to sit and how long it will take for the next assignment. 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     I am sure I put them in the sock drawer, next to the loaded gun. It was a .38 revolver which I bought at the Dollar General Store. They were having a big sale and on the main shelves were stacks of old magazines that I had never read. Popular Science, Popular Mechanics, Family Handyman, as well as buckets of confetti, streamers, and plenty of loud outfits that we got from the thrift store. 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     And Colleen's kick-yo-ass hot sauce! Maybe then it will be easier to accomplish.The first rule of making a good resolution is to make it specific. For example, don't just say that you're going to lose weight. Say you're going to take a trip around the world !! 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014     The wrapping paper I bought on Dec. 26....where was it??I found all of it in the back of the car. 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014      Where is that awful stink coming from?? My nose led me to the conclusion that we should call a plumber. It seems pretty obvious if the toilet won't even flush. Now what?! I went outside to get a fresh bucket of water, just in case it catches fire. 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014     Well-stuffed tummies are definitely a part of Christmas: pot-bellied snowmen, Santa...all indicative of prosperity and feasting. That's my favorite! He was left in utter darkness and promptly eaten by a grue. Well-stuffed tummies are definitely a part of Christmas: pot-bellied snowmen, Santa...all indicative of prosperity and feasting. 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     I could tell they weren't from here, they looked like they were from another planet!! I stepped cautiously toward them, and suddenly they ran up the incline as fast as they could! Bursting through the opening, they couldn't believe their eyes: the new wireless mouse was growing fur and teeth !!!! 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014      They needed to be brave, intuitive, and ambitious! So I picked these three people: Gandhi, Einstein, and Owen Wilson. I figured that third choice made perfect sense because he had just eaten a loaf of bread the size of his head. 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     Whereas you will always have to have a fresh supply of ice and a number of clean towels. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014     How it had gotten in there I'll never know. Anyone with half a brain should know better than to listen to loud rap music while playing such an intense video game! 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     I was so in shock from her death, I didn't see what happened to the usher who took us to our seats. He just disappeared! Maybe he went into the 3D theater by mistake. If he did, and he doesn't realize he doesn't have his polarizing glasses on, he's in for a headache. 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     It looked like a convoy of Army vehicles. Humvees, trucks, tanks on trailers, and even a snail could have gone around the block faster than that turtle which was stampeding through peanut butter. 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013     Smell that? It's napalm. In the morning. I LOVE IT! It smells like victory and then, when you least expect to find roly poly bugs in the flower pots. 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     Hut one, hut two, there he goes! Quick!! Get on him, before he prepared the meal. Good hygiene is always optional when skydiving. It's not like anyone can smell you at 10,000 feet! But by the time you finish your last task, you have run out of time and lost all your money causing you to giggle with delight. 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     But was it distilled or well water? To test it, we inserted a non-compete clause into the document. It now read, "I (fill in your name) will not directly or indirectly engage in any business that competes with the cupboard of Old Mother Hubbard." 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     she whined as she tugged her jacket tigher around herself. This crazy weather had been going on for thousands of years. No one could have anticipated the catastrophe that was just around the corner. We heard a terrible noise and looked out to see a bunch of dudes sitting around eating beans. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013      First you have to locate your luggage. You know it is in the attic, but when you look for it, instead you find luggage with broken wheels. 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     Now doesn't a bacon Philly cheesesteak sound good right now instead of an ol' plastic one. This is the time to break out the nice tableware! Your good china, your sparkling wine. We were just about to open our second bottle when suddenly, hot marshmallow started oozing out around the oven door! 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     He had to get out! He had to order pizza to be delivered to the lab and the toppings were a choice from four: The four edible choices were BBQ beef brisket, chicken tetrazini, grilled salmon, or a Popburger. 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012     Now he has great breath! (Muhahahaha) He also has another present hidden in the glove box of his car. Already in the glove box was a carefully wrapped gyro sandwich, hot and freshly made with lots of whipped cream and chopped up maraschino cherries and topped off with premium unleaded. 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     For the love of all that's holy, don't bump them! That's a good egg. Now also watch out for jugs of dirty car oil, because if you were to accidentally kick one over, your foot would probably end up kicking the butt of somebody who just wandered into your garage and started messing everything up. 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011      Because then I will have time to start shopping for Groundhog Day!!!!!!!!!!" "I don't want the malls to close until midnight! Because then I will have time to start shopping for Groundhog Day!!!!!!!!!!" 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     It is also important where you place them: only put them back in the grave where they belong. But you have to hit them pretty hard to stop them, because they ate too many brains (!) which caused them to jump up and down and sing Yankee Doodle. 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     Then out of nowhere we saw The Fly Lady! She buzzed right in with a big flyswatter and started swatting us on the behind. 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009     It needed to look a little battered for the play I was going to be in. Believe it or not , I was going to act the part of the fool! That way they would never suspect that the next place I put the hat would be like crushing prunes into stewed okra. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     Cheese again, not after the last debacle. That was something else. It all started when Ethan ran into the living room to take a swing in Greg's new hanging chair, only to discover that he had forgotten his Prozac. 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008     Rhonda exclaimed, "While you're in there, why don't you get me a metal prod so I can get behind the eyeball and repair the side of my car that the guy smashed into when he was trying to park, cuz he couldn't see worth a darn." 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007     Now all of Paragon City was in jeopardy as the Destructotron unleashed its pulverizing power to such an extent that all the Outcasts found themselves knee deep in muck in Perez Park. What a revolting development! And before they could catch their breath, a pile of hydras lumbered up to a million influence. 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007      I could hardly wait to get home to play it! I got home, opened the box, and inside I saw a giant strawberry! 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007      My garden was in sad shape. It had been neglected for far too long and as I rolled up my sleeves, I resolved to do something about it! 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007     With that junk out of the way, I was able to start moving furniture around so it made more sense. I moved the work table next to the cat food which was really starting to stink! I needed some deodorizing spray, so I went to the store and bought a can of Great Stuff and sprayed it into the crevice. 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006     Like a tax hike in a Democrat controlled Congress." I didn't want to argue, so I pretended to be listening to Bill O'Reilly on the radio. Too bad I didn't know that I was in the company of a red diaper doper baby who believed in God, who was the only one who could save him now! 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006      Instead, we gave him two strawberry Twinkies which worked remarkably well, considering that he was dangerously close to defaulting on his car loan. He hadn't made a payment in almost three months, and he was sure he would need at least a hundred stitches! He hoped the surgeon was handy with the needle, so when he was finished everything would look like something out of horror movie. 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     Go away! I can't concentrate." Finally, they all fell on the floor laughing their heads off. The hilarity continued until who would walk through the door but Mr. 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006      Yes, you just won't believe what I saw when I took a walk. big scratchy boils on the back on my neck. I needed to see a doctor about that. 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006     If you mispronounce something you could really offend somebody by saying something you didn't intend. 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006     They were givin away a big pink inflatable heart for Valentine's Day, which was just around the corner, and there it was: a brand new Hobby Shop stocked with every kind of Christmas light you could imagine! 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005      Come appraize my house, and bring your 5 clipboards! "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!" I laugh with raucous glee. You will be sorry; you will be very sorry when I stumbled upon a fully-loaded phaser rifle. It must have been dropped by an alphatrooper when he recovered from the blow to his head, he knew he would have to activate his quantum shields before it was too late! 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005     That restless sound soon reached the top balcony, where our VIP seats were. We could see the entire auditorium from here, as well as mink coats, diamond tiaras, and fancy tuxedos trimmed with mistletoe and holly. 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005      For dessert I asked for English Trifle, a scrumptuous dessert of whipped cream, fresh fruit, and sponge cake soaked with nervous sweat. She wasn't paying attention and drifted into the oncoming lane! We were going to collide head-on! 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005      But before we got there, we stopped at Starbucks to get revved up. I ordered a quad shot espresso - only problem was by the time we got to the store, my hands were skipping over the keypad like a skilled pianist playing Chopin. I had entered my Visa number so many times, I got a rubber stamp instead. 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005      But he didn't understand that we never clean off the tables unless the manager yells at us; which he usually does every hour: He yells, " Orrrder uuuuuup!" To which the manager, confused, replies, " Yo man, why you do me like dat? I'm the shizzle for my nizzle. And you know you're not allowed to eat mistakes! 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005     We made enough for 50 people! So we invited the whole neighborhood, and when they all showed up we gave them a couple bucks and told them to go fetch us a newspaper. While we waited, the kids were able to play a beanbag game. 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015     = Waa waa waa waa I'm all out of cough syrup!!!!!!!! You can't be sewious! Back to the Battle!!!!! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Back to the basics of the hip-hop scene, just a loop, and some lyrics, and a mic, you know what I mean? 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005     What! No light speed??? Would it help if I released the emergency brake? She smiled sweetly and pushed the button that sent them all hurtling into a black hole. We landed on the dark side of the moon and off in the distance we could hear weird music, so we decided to go to light speed! 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005      NO! And if someone did, he would probably use DOS! Or Windows 3.1!! Ha ha ha!" We all had a big laugh. But the truth was hard to swallow; in fact I was so overwhelmed, that I had to make the computer do what the teacher wanted it to do! I couldn't believe it! What a easy test this was! 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     (laugh track) "To start with, crack these eggs, whip them up, and blend them into your stock pot. Next, chop the garlic into tiny bits at least small enough to fit into a cupcake holder! 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005      To do this, you just need a lot of patience. One day at a time, we worked at moving the vast quantities of toddler turds out of the house. 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005      The water flew out and drenched the apple pie in whipped cream, which I then cheerfully took to the neighbor's house. When they saw it, they finally understood. They were running dune buggies up there! 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005      We might find some interesting local folks to talk to. They always have lots of salty snacks handy and lots of little packages of sweet cakes made with 100% extra-virgin olive oil. All the monounsaturated oil made it count! Because I say, if you're not going to spend enough money on a motel room, you will end up staying in a dump, probably infested with carpetbaggers. 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005      I panicked at first until I learned my suit was really fireproof. Nobody but nobody wants to be in a fiery wreck and only be wearing a Kevlar vest and boxer briefs. There is no A/C in a race car, and it gets pretty darn hot in the cabin. The vest, of course, is for protection. 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005     Mmm... What! It's a mirage! It's actually a water-saving toilet, and it cost much more than I could afford. In fact it cost a dollar. The cigarette lighter cost a dollar. The foil pinwheel toy cost a dollar. In fact, *everything* we bought cost a dollar! 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005      Could this be a misprint?!! Just to be sure I put my glasses on and then I could see my feet! "Hello, toes! Haven't seen you in so long!" Ha, Ha! This is great! Next thing you know, you will be skin and bones. No one will know you. Everyone will think you are Shamu the Orca if you wear a tuxedo before your diet is accomplished. 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005     I didn't have a pocket so that's where I kept the money from the yardsale. Those chilly coins were a problem though, so we stunned them with electric shocks. After that they didn't need to mow the lawn! 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005      Imagine seeing him again, here, after all these years! It sure is a small fire button! 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005     On the way out I could feel everyone's eyes on me, and I thought, "That's right ladies, you know you want a year's supply of ball point pens and above all a year's supply of comic books. 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005      My recommendation is have a cup of hot tea and a small plate of three soft chewy dog treats, the kind with little meaty bit in the middle." "Surely you don't mean for me to wear the hideous hospital gown in public, do you?!! Man! 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     And to take pictures of the project from start to finish, I bought a disposable cardboard toilet paper roll. (Hey, I was in a hurry!) Besides, it only cost 89 cents. And I had a coupon for $1 off so he had to give me 11 cents back. 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005     It was so good, I licked it again. "Hey! Quit that! You're getting wallpaper paste all in my hair! uh oh, I'm all out. 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005      As we've found out, it's well worth the expense in order to avoid the old nests of mice and rats between the walls, we decided to install a urinal in every bathroom! 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005      "Okay, okay. I thought I'd better tell you what type of weapons you'll be using. As a Space Marine, you'll have a 40mm shoulder-mounted plasma thrower, 30cm vibroblade, and of course a standard simple telephone table is all that you need. It should be made out of chrome-vanadium and titanium. 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005     Just give me a second. and see right before our eyes the ground rushing up toward us! 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005     Because I'm Mr. Moneybags, and I want more of your money; so invest in my new scheme or I will promptly sign your autograph with an elaborate flourish. 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005     Mix it in with the scrambled eggs and you will have a breakfast served to you in several courses, as I finish each section of the show. I have staff who will divide the German blood sausage into enough pieces so that everyone can have at least a Eastern European immigrant would have more good taste than the fresh-faced yahoos we've been putting on this show. 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005     Why would anyone want to eat eel? It is just gross to think about: Imagine those slimy, writhing creatures on a plate of lead-free pewter. 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005      Then she asked for some lemon for her tea! Incredulous, I asked her, with sarcasm, " You want fries with that?" She gave me such an evil look, that I really wanted to give her a chance to make better hot chocolate than the swill she had been serving. I told her, "You have to SMILE at the customer! 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005      I could have told you he was crazy, and everyone would have agreed with me, but still, no one could believe what he did next: he set the throttle to flank speed, and ran the ship aground, right in the middle of the beach! 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005      Now they are going to freeze while you walk, and soon you won't be able to have a bowel movement because you'll be so constipated! 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005      Whew! Now I won't be embarrassed if I get in a car accident! That brings me to my next resolution: Not to get in any speed traps and not to get in any arguments with a stern eye and haughty sniff, my personal trainer turned to pick up the equipment for the next round of cow-tipping. 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005     It's Veggie Tales: Garden Guerillas. In the first episode, Ren and Stimpy challenged Mr. T to a knock-down, drag-out fight to the finish. There was utter pandemonium until Mr. T. 's deep voice resonated through the room, declaring, " 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005     Even though he was a very strong man, he wasn't strong enough to defeat Herr Kapitan in hand-to-hand combat. As a result, he was disgraced--and grievously wounded. After he recovered from his coma he discovered he had a new ability: he had heightened awareness of a person's inclinations-- good or evil. 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005     We were almost there when great hailstones began falling from the sky. Why they were huge! They were as big as beanbag chairs! The kids were having a lot of fun batting them back and forth, but finally I had to call out to them, "Hey! We're here to relax! Those beach balls are just too big! 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005      We knew we had to max out our credit cards immediately. That would not be too hard, since I'd already decided what to get for everyone. So I got out my list and crossed everything off. 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005     This was it. Taking a deep breath, Jacqueline stepped over to the male model and adjusted his collar. Nice! But still, she really did want to do modeling herself. Sigh. I guess for now, it was all just a fantasy! She paused for a final jelly doughnut before entering the inner sanctum of the plush office where dozens of models were milling around, considering who would look best in which outfit. 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005      "What do you recommend?" He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment before stomping on the gas pedal and screaming out of the parking lot like a bat out of H-E-double hockey sticks. 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005      They are still good after all these years! Give one to the director. Here, put this one in his pocket!" I considered that, but decided it would be better to just hand it to him and let him put it in his pipe and smoke it. He doesn't deserve half the credit he's getting on this dig, and I intend to catalog every single piece of bone that I can find unlike the other slacker diggers who every day haphazardly would just come along, completely disregarding any scholarly integrity, and REFILL the holes with dirt from various random locations , because we couldn't seem to find a single location that met all our criteria for what we had in mind for the recruitment ad. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005      I'm going to climb up to the top shelf and get one myself! With that, I checked that no one was looking and threw my M&M's wrapper into the display toilet. 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005     Your other alternative is to eat yogurt 3 times a day. To add to the great nutritional value of the yogurt, you can add chopped tuna. That will add good protein without making you feel overfull. Eat quickly, and that saltine cracker will be gone before you know it. Now you may eat one Goldfish cracker. 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005     The swimming pool will go there, the miniature golf course there, and the toolshed had to be demolished to make room for the new inground swimming pool which would be reinforced with steel, 3 inches thick. 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005     Therefore most ninjas tend to sleep only 2 hours at a time. Then it's back to the gym to practice yoga and sip nutritional frothy ice cream sodas! "I can't believe we get such a treat! It's 5:00pm! It's almost time for my backward-spinning atomic dragon kick!" 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005      And early in the morning, all across the country, the vote counters were ready for the squads of illegal immigrants and communists to descend upon the voting booths, there to wipe down all surfaces with antibacterial scrub. It was necessary because all the candidates were secretly communists. 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005      The alarm passed quickly and we swarmed all over the invader of our nest, biting and stinging with abandon. When it was over, Barrister lay there panting. Feathers were flying everywhere. Tiny blood spatters covered his face with his hands, as he heard the prison warden approaching. 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005      It smelled like the driver must be a smoker. Frowning, we decided we could first try vacuuming up all the fragments of dried vomit. If they aren't stuck to the upholstery. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005     "MO---om! Mom! Help me!" He was dangling from a precarious precipice with a scant hand hold. There wasn't much time to waste. They were going to be late! 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004     she said, "You can take that and stick it where's there no tomorrow! Yeah, and there's no beans about it. That stuff has no life left. It needs to go to the auto dealership, because if I'm going to be able to park my car in this clean and roomy garage, I'm going to want it to be a new one!" 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004     Maybe we could--whoa!" Just then, Doc Samson smashed the ice sculpture into tiny shards, throwing everyone off guard, and one after another they slipped and fell onto the wet sidewalk. 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004     The Plutonium Transporters of America! They were famous for gigantic fund-raising fairs. In order to have lots of crafts to sell, they spent all year collecting all sorts of proof that the teachers weren't doing ther job. 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004      Startled, I turned around to see a Ferris wheel toppling over, about to smash dozens of people into tiny bits! I screamed for help! Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone. As I turned, the figure yelled, "NINJA!" Insane with panic, I grabbed the blue ribbon watermelon and threw it as hard as I could at the red-faced perpetrator. 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004     And then, it was time for an ad. A man appeared holding a microphone in the face of John Kerry so close that his nose was almost all the way to the back of his head! "Who did this to you?" They asked. "NINJA!" He yelled "Stop the presses! 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004     This meal should keep the average person satisfied for thirty seconds. Oooh! But don't worry. Here comes the bacon cheeseburger cart. And the fudge sundae cart behind that. Get ready to mash those soybeans and mold the tofu into shapes resembling flowers. 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     On the way Papaw and Boppy picked up Uncle Greg who lived in a cardboard box that a bigscreen TV had come in. A little window was cut out of the side. Through it, you could see the clouds down below and the heavy pollution surrounding her, asking her to please empty her pockets. 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004      Ready to dance? First lift your right leg and touch your toes on the edge of the piano. We were lucky enough to have live piano music to dance to. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004      Our quest to find the Minotaur King began uneventfully. We travelled several miles into the desert the first night, and found a cool oasis of palm trees and the sweet sound from a spring of bubbling hot water, perfect for relaxing after a workout. It also helps prevent muscle soreness. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004     "What are you doing here?" I asked the white, gristly fellow. He said, "I don't have enough money. just wait while I go over to that ATM where I can get some fresh strawberries! My favorite food! and there they are! Waiting for us....all squeaky clean and shining with colorful beads! 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004      I am sure when I am there I will see many architectural wonders. I don't know which I like better: Looking from a distance at the whole structure, or up close at the details such as how far we'll have to swim to get to land if our ship sank. 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004     It may not be the answer you want to hear, but it'll be too bad if we don't get these filthy jail cells cleaned out. The sargeant will take a fit. To clean them, he will probably want us to use stun guns. "Have you had any experience with those?" "Actually, no, I've never seen such a gruesome murder. 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004     I set out to be the fastest, bestest, rootin'-tootin'est cow milker in the whole state. 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004     I said. "It's so humid and hot here. I'm so sweaty." Everyone agreed and started looking around. "Look at all these fossilized bones. I wonder how old they really are. Would they be as old as me?" She shook her head, and replied "I imagine these dinosaurs are at least 100 years old. You can tell because the skin is so scaly and rough. 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004      There is no better smell except for the smell of tulips, lavender, and freshly cut grass. Oh yes, and don't forget the fresh-baked biscuits that were brought to us by UPS, the BROWN people. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004      Bonnie put on her leather jacket and her leather gloves; also her leather helmut, but around her neck she carefully wound a psychedelic silk parachute, which she used to land at Daytona Beach in the middle of about 100 bikers, with great fanfare. 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004     "I have the answer," Molly said. "But if you think I'm going to tell you, you are crazier than a bedbug. You need to figure out the answer yourself; so go to the library, and look for a book about Sun Tzu, author of The Art of War. 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004     "Why, I oughta punch your red diaper doper baby lights out! You flamin' liberal French sissy. 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004      He grumbled, " I'm really getting tired and hungry. I want a Brown Mule. Let's go find an ice cream freezer in this place, and look in it to see if we can find some quarters so we can play a few final video games before we have to go." 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004      I cannot smell anything. Why anymore, I cannot even smell my own butt since I sat in a bunch of flowers all day!" So we took the flowers and stuck our noses in them in order to hide the poopy smell that was all around us. 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004     But nooooo, we did more push-ups and then it was time to go to the mess hall. We were rushed through the line, got our trays of food and sat down. When we looked down at our trays, we saw gobs of macaroni and cheese and what I thought were chunks of hot dog. 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004      I was so hungry, and the food always tasted so much like chicken. Even when we put barbecue sauce on it. But then it tasted like it came out of the dumpster! How could this be? Every other time the food had tasted fresh and good. Maybe it was because the cook turned out to be an ex-con. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004      They don't want orderly! They don't want work! Kids these days, they just want--errgkhh..." At that, the proctor had a massive heart attack and fell over, dead. I looked up at Max and said, "Do you know what this means?" 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004     I mean, these rodents were *organized*. They were always one step ahead of us, always anticipating a gourmet delight, complete with linen napkin, real silverware, sparkling crystal goblets, and soft relaxing heavy metal music. I listen to it nice and loud, and it rocks me to sleep, no pun intended! 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004      This one has been a blast! We have had so much fun that I know next summer will be even better. I just must remember next time to bring more Immodium A-D. 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004     Not to worry old chaps. I have a map in my attache case. I come prepared for anything! Why, in my back pocket I even have a map to a secret underground base, which is also underwater!" We had to use a submarine to get to it. None of us had ever driven one before, but the tunnel was easy to drive through because there were all kinds of lights and even air conditioning. 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004      But it didn't matter. Everyone brought their posters for the big Super Readout Day. And they set up a display on the lawn outside the library. But the weather report was not so good, so when they looked up into the sky they saw not only the police helicopters arriving in the distance as reinforcements, but also the vultures had already started circling. 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004     Ha ha Then you can tell us all about it: why do you have the irrepressible need to straighten out the tassels at the ends of an area rug?" 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004     I didn't know what to do, the meat had been sitting all night unrefrigerated. Who in the world let that happen?! The early morning drive-thru lane was already backing up. Should we use the meat anyway, or should we ask the customers to leave and go somewhere that doesn't suck? 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004     And melted marshmallows. And chocolate sprinkles on top of that. "Hey," Betty called from inside, "Are those hot dogs ready yet?" I said, "Hot dogs? I thought we we were having T-bone steaks! What a bummer. You know hot dogs give me terrible indigestion, and not only that, they also give me a set of free ginseng knives, you know, the kind you use for energy-supporting herbs. 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004      Being a ninja is more than just getting super pissed, flipping out, and killing people. Real ultimate power is attained by unrelenting karate chops to the back of the neck and across the river, with a single leap of his well-muscled legs. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004     Ever. His laughter, tinged with madness, echoed through the prison daily. It was a hollow sound. But it was the only one he cared about anymore. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004      Who will draw the long straw to be in it? Who will excape the seething blubbery morass of stinking foul alien green cards. asked Sam, quizzically. 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004      I will eat at your feet for the rest of my days!" The king looked down at him and replied," and then threw back his own with peals of diabolical laughter. Thus began the century-long "Reign of Terror." he cried, "Save me from the hallowed gallows! 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004      Here was the judge, jury, attorneys, the whole court coming into his store! We are going to get this matter settled once and for all, said the judge as he beckoned Lord Elsington to even higher status within the SSBC: Secret Society of British Cats. 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004     What they wanted to charge us was absolutely ridiculous. "I know," Betty said, "Let's go to the library and do research about Guinea Worms. 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004      Guess I will have to stop laughing so hard at your funny eulogy. I mean, he didn't even mention the name of the deceased! 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     and as luck would have it, that was the one in which his cord broke. So, it was most certainly his last bungee cord jump.