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Story IDTitleCreatorStatusNum EntriesDate Finished
174  Springtime in VirginiabettyDone2212/27/2022
    then I'll reply, "You are the biggest dummy I have ever seen!! You are the biggest dummy I have ever seen! Can you not see that bird's nest? In that tree, right up there! You can see it, right next to the big ferris wheel. Whee! Let's go ride it! We can see the whole countryside and we can see all the people in the truck stop, staring at the calendar, realizing it's only a few days before Summer!
173  Daylight Saving Time !bettyDone234/21/2021
     It is so cozy and wraps you in fuzzy warmth and makes you feel as if you might not have washed these pants as well as you should have.
172  A Winter Day in the WildernessbonnieDone222/15/2021
    Here comes Santa Claus!!" Much to my surprise, he was driving a golf cart outfitted with giant boom boxes.
171  Oh, the weather outside is frightful...bettyDone2212/31/2020
    The pilot banked to avoid it but it seemed to swoop toward us, and in moments were were engulfed in the savory smells of Christmas dinner cooking! Happy and relieved, we smiled and stepped through the revolving door only to be snagged into a continual rotation!
170  The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!bettyDone231/13/2020
     Plus I have a bandaged hand because I cut myself with a rusty barbecue smoker borrowed from a neighbor. It would take at least 16 hours to lambaste the turkey.... I mean brine roast the turkey...too LONG !! We would have to go the tried and true route which was to pack it full of apples and hope for the best.
169  A Breath of Fresh AirbonnieDone2211/15/2019
    Appearing in the midst of the carnage was Metallica, inside the mouth of a giant robot dinosaur. They immediately began playing their trademark heavy metal rock music. But it was all Mannheim Steamroller covers, so we didn't mind. Suddenly, the entire stage collapsed, exploded, and burst into flames, killing everyone instantly!
168  Toiling at 3 a.m.bettyDone2210/13/2019
    Now we are rocking, baby! I was so delighted that I pulled out my Mars bar which I save for special occasions.
167  The Reckoning of the KiwisxanderDone227/28/2019
    I jumped to my feet and cried out because I hit my head on an overhanging tree branch! As I held my hand to the hurty spot, all I could manage to say was I am ready for a real hamburger with all the fixings.
166  Somebody's Gotta Do It !bettyDone227/8/2019
    Now, the weaponized and evolved robovacs had become an army, one which had a single purpose: to clean up the filth that is humanity.
165  I love Thunderstorms !bettyDone216/10/2019
    Licking his fingers, he discovered a bleeding hangnail! Ooops! He had visions of staph infection permeating his body.
164  Wrapping those Christmas Presents !bettyDone231/9/2019
     With each note I could include a handmade gift tag to indicate who it's from-and-to, but instead I'd really rather use this stick of dynamite!
163  Let's Set Fire to the WoodsxanderDone2112/7/2018
     Swollen from recent rains, it would be a good protection from big brown grizzly bears who roam around always looking for tasty wheat! It's got vitamins, minerals, and amino acids. Everything your body needs. But it looks and tastes like snot so wash it down with very dry sticks and pine straw.
162  Some Kind of AdventurexanderDone239/10/2018
    We tried and tried to pull them out, but we had woven that basket so tightly, they were firmly stuck. The only solution we could think of was to cut the rope to the anchor so we could drift away from the whirlpool...hopefully. We rowed with all our might and soon we reached the boundary between the dimensions.
161  That Garage !bettyDone228/9/2018
     It makes the most sense, considering how much mildew and mold had accumulated. But how to get rid of it? !! I think the best remedy would be to spray a powerful broad spectrum commercial mold remover and disinfectant. That should remove all concern about anybody going through my trash.
160  I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?bettyDone248/3/2018
    Maybe into shapes, like for instance the shape of a PAYCHECK!!!! hedge after hedge after hedge... Maybe into shapes, like for instance the shape of a PAYCHECK!!!! You know that would be the ultimate experience!
159  A large, healthy tuft of stump grassbonnieDone227/18/2018
     It was transcendent. Mesmerized, we ate popcorn and drank beer while the spectacle continued. Eventually we ran out of mushroom booze. Granted, the stuff makes you hallucinate, but it tastes like liquid gold.
158  Cleaning up after Milo the MousebettyDone217/11/2018
    The Shadow knows. He also knows where all the best cookie crumbs are! the whole family had to move. So be very, very careful never to leave a trail of crumbs to your bedside! Nor should you neglect to shine a flashlight into all the dark corners. A clean, clear smell of fresh mouse urine....ahhhh!
157  Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA CampusbettyDone227/6/2017
    Well, like they say, when life hands you lemons, discard the lemons; make bacon.
156  San Antonio VacationgregDone225/27/2017
    "Might as well try to make some money out of this mess," I mumbled as I walked back to my motorcycle. So instead I placed a couple business cards. "Might as well try to make some money out of this mess," I mumbled as I walked back to my motorcycle.
155  Will That Snow Ever Melt? !bettyDone212/5/2017
    Ain't that something! We could use the snowblower we borrowed from Danny. I am sure he won't mind if we use it to insulate the garden from the cold.
154  Different Pizza ToppingsgregDone211/11/2017
     Why don't you decide what you are going to do with them? For starters, you could have salad, breadsticks, or everyone's favorite--stuffed mushrooms! Appetizers get people in the mood of a party! Other good ideas include Burger King, Wendy's, and Hardee's, if you get tired of having pizza all the time.
153  But I don't want to!bonnieDone2011/13/2016
     They all leaned way back in their easy chairs and took a nap! No one could argue with that. They all leaned way back in their easy chairs and took a nap!
152  We Need More Enthusiasm !bettyDone2210/16/2016
     Do I need to attend a focus group? And if I did, who would be there? Well, obviously Buzz, Moocher, Ace, The Kid, and Big Toot will be there. Other than that, who would be there?
151  Xander's New Dorm RoombonnieDone219/9/2016
     Move-in day! We all got to see Xander's room for the very first time! It's on the second floor, overlooking the placid lake, so blue and relaxing, and what is that swimming over the surface?
150  Trying to Keep Cool !bettyDone228/20/2016
     We collected the balls of ice and used them to rub the backs of the necks of the people who had passed out from the heat. As each one of them came back to consciousness, They said, " Excuse me, could we please get ten pounds of Reese's Peanut Butter Cup!"
149  The Stump VinebonnieDone214/26/2016
    Besides the regular beef and pepperoni topping, I also had too many solar lights in the yard. A neighbor said I was using up too much sunshine. Irritated, I told her to quit telling me that the Stump Vine exists.
148  LaundrycolleenDone204/2/2016
     There will be no danger of wearing dirty clothes again! Everything is washed, dried, and hung on hangers!Woohoo ! The 5 colors I picked were black, navy blue, charcoal gray, gray, and maroon. There will be no danger of wearing dirty clothes again! Everything is washed, dried, and hung on hangers!Woohoo !
147  It's snowing!!!colleenDone292/22/2016
     He's a gigantic snowman reclining in a lawn chair. Is that cool or not? Glo-Quips sent a photographer and when he came by, he shoveled the sidewalk in front of their french doors, even though everybody knows they never salt the roads anymore because the salt rusts out the undercarriage of the metal railing.
145  Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!bettyDone212/5/2016
    And there to welcome it into eternal damnation was none other than Xander and Ethan who decided to come for a visit too!!! So we packed the extra stuff into a priority box and sent it to Hell in a handbasket! And there to welcome it into eternal damnation was none other than Xander and Ethan who decided to come for a visit too!!!
144  Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!colleenDone201/10/2016
     I've been ever so busy lately that I nearly stumbled. Rearranging the packages I was carrying, put them all off balance and I dropped all of them right into a pool of exceeding clarity.
143  Resolutions for the New Year !bettyDone221/9/2016
     I was ready to start my new life! Confronted with a mob of irritated neighbors, I ran back into the house and packed!
142  Ordering Online Christmas Presents !bettyDone2112/14/2015
     Sweating, I said "Give me that package!" But the UPS driver kept holding it out his window, pulling forward 20 feet at a time, laughing. Man, I will hate to go to court and stand before the magistrate and hope you don't get thrown in jail until you paid every penny because you were cruel to your debtors and the king found about it.
141  Dual CompostersgregDone2112/13/2015
     Last time, I situated my composter on a hill. I bet you can figure how that turned out. That's right. It turned over layer by layer as I rotated the barrel.
140  Deli BolognagregDone2211/28/2015
    They must have come from the bottom of the fridge, behind puddles of spilled condiments and half-rotted vegetables. The odor of it all made me swell with joy. Smiling, eyes closed, I took a little taste....yum...How delightful.
139  Getting Ready for Fall !bettyDone2110/29/2015
     You should first lubricate the tines with a little dribble of maple syrup. The next aroma you smell will be burning leaves of course from Stephens back yard.
138  SlatheragegregDone219/16/2015
    sound of Newsboys that made them so distinct, now that DC Talk alumnus Michael Tait has replaced Peter Furler, unfortunately has largely aged well.
137  Growing Those Tomatoes !bettyDone218/1/2015
    I looked, up into the sky and there was shining the Blue Moon !! How peaceful and pretty. But then I spied flying across the full moon, a big hulking tomato like I had never seen!
136  Midnight snackcolleenDone216/11/2015
    Freshly cooked potatoes, chopped onions, pickle relish, and I stirred it all up with 3 big dollops of sour cream. Add to that some bacon bits, green onions, and some shredded cheese, now you've got the perfect Greg Pizza. Toss it in the oven and voila, we are ready for a big bite of a Dagwood sandwich!
135  That New Smart PhonebettyDone226/10/2015
    So I started taking classes on business at the local community college. I also took my time thinking up a good password. too smart for me" !! I just gave up and started playing Soda Crush. A relaxing game that makes me feel insecure. The only thing that could settle my nerves now would be if I could take some time to remove all the apps I don't like.
134  NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THISgregDone246/3/2015
    Well I will show you! I will give you a big fat wallet full of money if you will go over there and smack that bully. We are all getting tired of this continual harassment.
133  Why me!?!!colleenDone236/3/2015
     The only drawback is that our refrigerator is on the blink and all the food is slowly spoiling. I wonder if Danny Speight would let us borrow his passes to attend a free movie at Regal Cinemas at Kiln Creek.
132  Backyard ProjectsbettyDone225/28/2015
     Obviously that will help improve the borders of the property by planting every 18 inches a small new sprout.
131  Cupcakes!colleenDone225/26/2015
     Be creative! You can use sprinkles, candy, curls of chocolate...even tiny toys or other unusual options such as little Hulk faces made of butter and green-colored strips of bacon, ground-up meatballs, and garnished with chicken wings.
129  Climbing Enchanted RockbettyDone215/2/2015
    You have to be careful if you encounter one because You can't tell if it is going to bite you or try to hump you! Red clothes will set it off so, be sure to take the time to look around and enjoy the scenery.
128  I Need to Take a Trip !bettyDone224/16/2015
    Confident I'd be OK, I took a big bite and froze. Never in my life had I ever tasted anything so disgusting and horrible. It must have been past its expiration date! I just had to spit it out onto the lawn. There, in the sun, I could see a big hydrogen firestorm.
127  Bonnie's New Tutoring JobbonnieDone274/16/2015
    Sure enough...I opened the door and found a cup of Whoop-Ass! I immediately picked it up and threw it at him! He then carried the stack of folders over to the table and spread out the construction paper, blunt scissors, glitter, and glue. Then with them the children proceeded to make cookies to sell to raise enough money for Bonnie's bail bond.
126  Getting Ready for New Year's EvebettyDone222/18/2015
    We can't have a big mess all over the place when our company arrives!" We are expecting at least 10,000 pounds of bacon being consumed at the synagogue open house. That's why we need to get a case of Champagne. When the crowd gets here, each person will be handed a bottle and with it they will proceed to decorate the room by sprinkling it everywhere: the carpet, the tables, the chairs were all covered with cat hair!
125  New Year's ResolutionsbonnieDone2212/24/2014
    Fields said that!" I exclaimed. "OK, now it's your best hope for improving your life. So what do you want? Do you want to take a trip to some exotic tropical island. Hmmm I think this destination would be a good choice: the unemployment line! My job sucks! I could scarcely do worse!"
124  Get Those Presents Wrapped !bettyDone2212/24/2014
    Just to be sure, shake it to be sure it's tight enough. You can be confident it is if you leave the presents on your friend's front porch who lives in the ghetto that they will be picked up by a bunch of charity workers. Forthwith, they will be taken to the Salvation Army depot. From there they will be handed out to homeless people.
123  We Need a Plumber !bettyDone2212/12/2014
    sign because the fuzzy dize were blocking my view, and unfortunately the odor was overpowering.
122  Christmas DecorationsbonnieDone2212/12/2014
     Let's get going! First I will check them by plugging them into the nearest electrical outlet. It's a trick to get the lights lined up just right, but when you do, the results are two thumbs with far too many blisters, and a back with far too acute an angle.
121  I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!bettyDone2111/28/2014
    Indeed, upon further observation, my screen was all smeared so I read up on the internet how to clean it, and it said to spray it with glow-in-the-dark paint.
120  The Great BeyondxanderDone219/21/2014
     T. I pity the fool! Quit your jibba-jabba! I ain't flying in no plane, you crazy alien from Mars!
119  Summer bonnieDone209/21/2014
    Not only would we sell lemonade, but we could also sell bags of ice. You know people really need those for seeing underwater. And if they get fogged up, you can clean them with spit. And you thought it was only good for dissolving corn starch packing peanuts.
118  Best Video Game of the Year !bettyDone228/15/2014
    But what an awesome game. What a bad game ending!!! But what an awesome game. What the hell?!?!?! What a bad game ending!!! But what an awesome game. And with that, the screen went blank!! What the hell?!?!?! What a bad game ending!!! But what an awesome game. Then she thought to herself: "I sure do hope there aren't eggs in that cave over there."
117  The best movie EVER!!!colleenDone217/18/2014
    So bad, that I wanted to dump my popcorn on the floor, but instead I decided to run as fast as I could!! I ran so far I got lost.
116  What I Saw When I Took A Walk IIgregDone235/28/2014
    Fortunately, I landed on my feet on a big pile of money. I said "Gimme that money!" But he said, You are under arrest! Face down on the ground! Put your hands behind your back stalked a ninja!
115  You know...bonnieDone2311/10/2013
    They must have gone through 15 boxes of Saltine crackers! After that, all they could think about was getting to Pop's before it closed, so they could each buy a ticket to ride in the new roller coaster, "Maximus Vomitorium", designed by a team of students.
114  Whatever is on your mind !bettyDone2410/27/2013
    Stunned, I whirled around and to hear Penelope throwing up! My game was interrupted! I was halfway through getting an upgrade for my level 1 Floor Sweeper. To get to level 2 he has to upgrade his shoes; one way to do this is to plod along methodically, but some people work better after they have cleansed their systems with special vegetarian drinks made with pureed kale.
113  Nursery RhymegregDone2210/24/2013
    All I can say is, I don't know what someone plans to do with all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't fall asleep. Counting sheep didn't work. Warm milk goes down like silk. But warm tea goes down like vanilla pudding: smooth and chewed just as if it came out of a brand new electric stirring mechanism.
112  Global Warming !bettyDone268/19/2013
    No wait, that's not blood, it's diarrhea. Someone must have manually opened the seal! Now contamination will leak into the pantry and make the sacks of flour wet and the cans of soup rust.
110  Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !bettyDone224/19/2013
    I maybe had enough to get by without doing laundry. With that load off my mind, I turned my attention to the Mack truck that was barreling down the road, straight towards me! Time seemed to slow down and I could count each rod in the grill that would soon become one with my face.
109  ThanksgivingbonnieDone1912/19/2012
    Would any stores be open? I opened the phone book to look for Christmas presents.
108  I Blew Up My Lab!gregDone2110/26/2012
    Slather it with A1 Steak Sauce! Then you will probably start to feel hungry enough to make yourself a big bowl of hot shut the hell up.
107  Christmas Shopping IIIbettyDone212/11/2012
     The wind was whipping through our hair and we began to feel the wall for the light switch. We couldn't see a thing. The darkness was so complete it was like a solid thing--a suffocating blanket of oblivion that clung to our faces and enveloped us in its lifeless embrace. After 30 seconds (which seems like an eternity, given that we could still hear it breathing), we finally found our car in the parking lot after looking for 2 hours !!
106  Let's Organize Your Garage !bettyDone227/25/2011
    ice cream.... We want to get all this cleaned up and haul all the junk to the Gloucester Short Lane ice cream parlor, where we ate so much we could barely fit in our newly-reorganized garage. ice cream....
105  Christmas Shopping IIgregDone212/24/2011
    On the way out, I accidentally tipped over the trash can and out spilled a whole bunch of jelly beans, which inexplicably caused an entomological cavalcade of roaches to march onto the counter. "AAAAAHH!" the clerk exclaimed, " You are trying to pay me with counterfeit money! I am calling the cops!
103  Zombie Attack!gregDone226/10/2010
    Since he was no Jimmy Stewart fan, the zombie jumped out of the monitor and uttered a gravelly :) voice at me, and said right into my ear, "
102  The Art of DeclutteringbettyDone218/4/2009
    Then, we passed our box of clutter in a circle like Musical Chairs, and whoever ended up with the box, then that person had to chase the Fly Lady all over the room with a butterfly net. Unfortunately she could not bear to get rid of anything after all the decluttering, so she proceeded systematically to attack the zombies!
101  The hathood of the traveling brown hat.rhondaDone213/20/2009
    It was then we realized our next stop had to be a chinese restaurant. because big drops of sweat were pouring down my face. It was just so hot that I had to grab the hat and hurl it into a guy's open car window as I shot past him on the interstate.
100  The Nephews come to VisitgregDone2212/9/2008
    Cheese and eat lots of crap pizza and drink cheap beer. After enough beer, even the crap pizza tasted like a chili cheese dog. A tall glass of lemonade would taste good after eating that Pop Burger, he was still hungry, so he ordered another one! While he was waiting, the UPS man came bringing a big package.
99  Laser Eye SurgerygregDone2010/3/2008
     Pay me or else! I need to make my mortgage payment on my house on Wall Street!" Listen you! Pay me or else! I need to make my mortgage payment on my house on Wall Street!" I told him, "
98  Abiathar the Superhero!gregDone214/27/2007
     Moments later, they came upon a wide, glistening puddle of goo. It looked like an experiment by Dr. Vahzilok, or maybe the Council's attempts to try jumping over tall buildings was exceedingly successful, plus those mean old Outcasts failed to stop the arch-villain before his master plan was unveiled!
97  My New Video Game!bettyDone213/13/2007
    In that game you'd start out in the sewers killing rats with your bare hands, then after reaching your first level, you would start hanging pictures, nice and straight.
96  Fixing up my GardengregDone221/29/2007
     My garden was in sad shape. It had been neglected for far too long and as I rolled up my sleeves, I resolved to do something about it! It was just past the crack of dawn when I noticed a bunch of slimy slugs eating away at my petunias.
95  Rearranging My New Tech RoombettyDone221/31/2007
    With that junk out of the way, I was able to start moving furniture around so it made more sense. I moved the work table next to the cat food which was really starting to stink!
94  Speeding Down the HighwaybettyDone2112/4/2006
    There just isn't as much money in moving moonshine across state lines like there used to be. So I decided to turn in my driver's license and buy a bicycle. I really needed a new line of work. There just isn't as much money in moving moonshine across state lines like there used to be.
93  Having SurgerygregDone2012/1/2006
     I got the diagnosis back from the doctor... I was going to need surgery. This would be the first time I'd ever been operated on.
92  Accountant at WorkgregDone214/1/2006
    Rogers, of Mr. Rogers Windows! "Hey folks! I'm Mr. Rogers of Mr. Rogers Windows! Did you know that poor-quality windows could cost you a bundle in heating bills? That's why I always read the Dilbert cartoon as soon as I get to work.
91  What I Saw When I Took a WalkbettyDone213/31/2006
    Fortunately, I was wearing my Kevlar vest and it bounced off! It left a mighty bruise, though, and hurt like crazy, so I let out a yell that sounded like a pickup truck, headed straight for me!
90  Learning a Foreign LanguagegregDone222/4/2006
    we snarled informally. Shocked, he picked his beret out of the muddy gutter, shook it off and put it on his resume. This will surely impress them! They'll be so impressed they will spew! Just kidding, of course, but who knows, you may end up in Swaziland, in a dark jungle, surrounded by insipid but angry Frenchmen frothing epithets at us proudly patriotic Americans.
89  Putting out Christmas LightsbettyDone212/3/2006
     Where are they coming from?? They must be coming from Mars!
88  Lazor Beam HydragregDone2212/16/2005
     "You are such an abuzor!" She shrieked, " My baby! My baby!" We came running and saw many tentacles creeping out of the hatch, and they were reaching for a rope to pull themselves out before the Lazor Beam Hydra returned!!!!!!!!
87  Concert at Chrysler HallbettyDone2112/14/2005
     Oh! What fun it was to hobnob with all those blue bloods! The mayor was there, several state councilmen were there, we even saw George Allen, John Warner, and Harvey Morgan in the foyer, and they were having a heated discussion about which burned longer: a violin or a viola.
86  Touring EuropebonnieDone2112/13/2005
    But to my surprise, he snapped the cork out of the bottle of champagne out poured it on my pancakes.
85  Christmas ShoppingbettyDone2212/1/2005
     You stupidhead!" He stomped his feet and then he yelled, " God bless us, every one!" A tear ran down my cheek as a sudden blast of frigid, snowy air reddened my nose, numbed my cheeks, caught my breath and blew all my packages into a snowdrift.
84  Working at McDonald'sgregDone2112/1/2005
    I tried to hit the button to open the drawer, but it really didn't matter if a few pickles fell on the floor. We could always rinse them off and use them on the next drive-through customer, who had just ordered 2 large cokes, 2 large fries, and 2 giant Cokes with crushed garlic.
83  Trip to the Pumpkin PatchsherryDone2211/7/2005
    We could only use them for smashing into peoples' front doors when they had sucky Halloween candy. Why, just last year, we brought home enough pumpkins to make lots of pies.
82  test2gregDone249/16/2015
    What are you thinking?! = Waa waa waa waa I'm all out of cough syrup!!!!!!!!
81  Going Into Space IIgregDone2110/28/2005
    But you would know that being the seasoned astronaut that you are. Why you could probably teach us to perform an EVA correctly and not drift away from the craft. First, secure your seatbelt and your helmet and make sure the main power switch is turned to cheese, just as the Lunar Society of Cheese-Lovers had predicted.
80  Taking Computer ClassbettyDone2010/27/2005
    he exclaimed. "You can't be serious! You never learned to touch-type?!!
79  Cooking Show IIgregDone219/27/2005
    "You can't be serious! I know positively that these eggs are fresh! Break this one open and you will see why you should never cook with Spam on television."
78  Potty Training the TwinsbettyDone219/24/2005
     We had to go to Sam's Club to buy the biggest bag of M&M's and while we were there we also bought a big box of Tide detergent! 'Cause we're going to need it for all the poop that is on its way. What were you thinking to feed the twins stewed prunes??
77  Noisy NeighborsbonnieDone219/23/2005
     They must be major weightlifters because that's exactly what it sounds like: dumbells on the floor next to my barbell and other weight equipment. My workout was over, and now I could hear them again playing their awful rap music.
76  Driving Across CountrybettyDone229/16/2005
    Of course, while we're there, we'll check out the local caves. I know it will be cool in there, and who knows? We might find some interesting local folks to talk to. They always have lots of salty snacks handy and lots of little packages of sweet cakes made with 100% extra-virgin olive oil.
75  NASCAR DaysgregDone219/9/2005
    The pavement started to get sticky, and that made the tires start to melt. I panicked at first until I learned my suit was really fireproof.
74  Conserving WaterbonnieDone229/9/2005
    So I went ahead and drank my own urine, since that was the only way to survive. Three days later, we were so thirsty our tongues were sticking to the plan. This is great news! At this rate, nobody's toilet in the entire county would ever flush completely again!
73  The Best Diet Ever!sherryDone218/31/2005
     This is great! Next thing you know, you will be skin and bones. No one will know you. Everyone will think you are Shamu the Orca if you wear a tuxedo before your diet is accomplished. So instead, try to re-interpret your hunger as a desire to do another favorite activity besides eat, such as eggplant, okra, mushrooms, and rhubarb: all on Greg's list of guys lookin' in yer window!
72  What a Yard Sale!bettyDone208/23/2005
     My best idea was to take all my potted plants, dump all the dirt out on a table, and use it to store all our hard-earned money in. It would take half the night to count all the coins! When it is time to go to the bank, I am sure we will NEVER MISS any of this stuff!
71  Test PilotgregDone218/17/2005
     Imagine seeing him again, here, after all these years! It sure is a small fire button! Let's see what happens if I push it!
70  A Day in the Life of a DorksherryDone218/14/2005
    "Oh really? she said with a wink. Great googlely-mooglely...that was just about the nicest thing anyone had ever said! Well, after hearing that, I was ready to sharpen all my pencils, and I discovered I need to go buy a new pocketsize spiral notebook and a black power cable. It would clash with the light-colored decor in his server room, but he didn't care--he was a dork.
69  Time for a Checkup!bonnieDone218/3/2005
     I knew I had to get out of there, and the only way to do it was to amputate from above the knee. But that's OK-- we can replace it with saline, or I can tell you about our latest experiment: something we've been growing in the lab. Your choice." If I did, then I could REALLY feel my heart pounding!
68  Building My New Cat CondobettyDone217/10/2005
    And I had a coupon for $1 off so he had to give me 11 cents back. Muhahaha! They'll never figure it out! They'll see little toy mice dangling from the penthouse roof. They will just love all the neat ideas I have come up with for their entertainment. For example, on the second level there will be a round hole, facing a raging fireplace.
67  Putting Up WallpapergregDone216/12/2005
    But the toilet had been removed! So I went upstairs and screamed to let out the frustration. Then I went back downstairs and fixed myself a meatball lunch pocket. It was so good, I licked it again. "Hey! Quit that! You're getting wallpaper paste all in my hair!
66  My Newest Home Improvement Project!bettyDone205/17/2005
     All their cute little night lights will always be upside down--cackle cackle. THAT will teach them to use acetone to clean the hardwood floors. Now take this toothbrush and clean the encrusted roach poop from around the doorways.
65  Phone CallbonnieDone215/9/2005
     I've been meaning to call you for days! How are you?" "Fine, How are you?" "I'm fine! I wanted to ask if you knew there is a moose in your front yard!
64  Airline PilotgregDone214/23/2005
    So I adjusted the seat. Then it felt much better. Reaching for the throw-up bag would be a good idea. Quickly, there is no time to waste! In a few seconds I will be unconscious from the lack of cabin pressure! I have to act quickly.
63  I'm Not In It For The...bonnieDone214/6/2005
     We want more juice. Fluff up our pillows! Don't you know who we are? a SHRUBBERY! Or else you will regret it!" So I said, "Honey, I'm not in it for the lettuce! I'm in it for the quality time and cultural enlightenment.
62  Hosting a Cooking ShowbettyDone214/12/2005
    Next, add 12 ounces of diced beef. For this I prefer to use a non-stick pan, as opposed to a stick pan. I'll hold these two examples up so you can see the difference. (Crowd goes "Ooooh!) Also, I prefer to use a plastic spatula, as opposed to eating what you fix right in front of the audience.
61  Ain't It Cool?gregDone224/7/2005
     I know you will sound like a foghorn, and that will mean that you will need to put some totally awesome detailing on your car. We're talking flames comin' out of the freakin' wheel wells, a Confederate flag on either side, and the hood a big ol' skull ring -- solid silver!
60  Competing with Starbuck'sbonnieDone214/2/2005
    So here's the plan: Rent a storefront, buy some coffee beans, and to grind them, buy a big muffin. The bigger the better. The biggest I've ever seen.
59  My First Ocean CruisebettyDone213/28/2005
    He could just imagine all those dolphins and whales jumping out of the water, so full joy, so full of lobsters it was ridiculous! Scraping them off was out of the question, so the best thing we could think to do was pry them off with a crowbar, clean them up and stew them.
58  Captain UnderpantsgregDone213/23/2005
     Now they are going to freeze while you walk, and soon you won't be able to have a bowel movement because you'll be so constipated! So why don't you just give it up and go back to using Depends Undergarments?"
57  New Year's Resolutions!bonnieDone213/18/2005
     The first thing I want to tackle in the New Year is DEEEEEE-cluttering! That's right, this is the perfect time to go on a diet and find a new recipe for low fat, low cholesterol, high protein baked bars of coconut, nuts, chocolate and condensed milk.
56  Saturday Morning's Cartoon MarathonbettyDone213/13/2005
     There was utter pandemonium until Mr. T. 's deep voice resonated through the room, declaring, " All your base are belong to us, make your time!" Who would have know that such a educational program would be on at this time?
55  Spy Base AlphagregDone213/8/2005
    Clip after clip was burned through until we heard those momentous words: "Cut! That's a wrap. Thanks guys, we'll see you tomorrow." Time itself seemed to slow down and the bullets whizzed by each other's ears and limbs.
54  Texas WinterbonnieDone203/3/2005
    Once the weather got really hot them Yankee-land touristers might come hunting for your A/C, and you gotta be prepared. We loaded up on sunscreen and popsicles, and took off! Beach, HERE WE COME! We were almost there when great hailstones began falling from the sky.
53  Christmas Shopping - 2004bettyDone202/26/2005
    It was as if I had no limit on my credit cards! I just kept buying and buying! There was so much to choose from, she let her stomach do the talking so she picked the one with chocolate sprinkles.
52  Modeling AgencygregDone212/21/2005
    Why do I have to wear that hideous dress? Can't you see that it is too cold in here for a swimsuit shoot!
51  All I Need Is...bonnieDone212/16/2005
     His big brown eyes were gazing toward the girl relaxing on the park bench, eyes closed, gently rocking her head in time with whatever music was playing on her headphones. I thought to myself, "THAT'S what I need -- a whole bottle of sleeping pills! I'll take 'em all and then I won't have to listen to--"
50  My Summer at the Archeological DigbettyDone212/11/2005
    Who's up for some Mickie D's?" There was a long, tense silence, until finally someone said, "Well, I'm hungry.
49  Shopping at Lowe'sgregDone202/6/2005
    I yelled, "We need a pilot!...No, I mean a forklift driver!" And here he came wearing an apron with many pockets! I had to giggle because it reminded me of all the failed projects in the past.
48  Anorexia TherapybonnieDone212/1/2005
     It's O.K. Just throw out all your mirrors, and get those Amusement Park ones that make you look fatter than you really are. Then you'll look normal! You can finally eat whatever you please, whenever you please, even if it means you see the number on the scale go up one!
47  Building My New House!bettyDone231/27/2005
     Complete with tire swing, roller-skating area, dress-up box, and kitchenette! All the neighbors' kids were stomping in the mud, making a big mess: so I put them to work mixing up the cement instead. They loved it! Wet cement reached from their toes all the way up to their knees! Either we're forming a habitat for something other than humans, or someone's gonna have to mow!"
46  Ultimate Ninja IIgregDone211/22/2005
    Therefore, today I ate 5 bowls of chili beans with chopped up hot dogs. Ah, the warm feeling in my tummy! Ah, the power coming out of my legs, my arms, my fingertips.
45  Election Day!bettyDone211/17/2005
     The volunteer outside the curtain heard all the mechanical sounds and mumbling, and called out to him, "It doesn't work like that!
44  A Day in the Life of...bonnieDone201/12/2005
    They were getting tired of all that harrassment. Yeah, and how about that possum! Always eating all their expensive IAMS and bowls of sugar! SUGAR! Right there next to the hill! We couldn't believe it! Such a concentration of food in such close proximity!
43  High School CarwashgregDone201/7/2005
    We took some of the money and used it for wiping up the spoiled milk in the back seat. Boy, did it stink! It smelled like the driver must be a smoker. Frowning, we decided we could first try vacuuming up all the fragments of dried vomit.
42  Pushed Over the EdgebonnieDone211/2/2005
     Because I don't want to look at your last moments of life on this earth!" With that he opened fire and I dodged every bullet with great aplomb. Now I was really thankful for those ballet lessons.
41  Cleaning Out the GaragebettyDone2112/28/2004
     Who knows how long that had been there! "That's disgusting!" I said. "We're going to need some industrial-strength cleaner! Russell used some when he worked at Busch; let's call him."
40  HULK SMASH!gregDone2012/23/2004
    the Hulk bellowed, "But the Hulk is strongest there is! Me prove it! Me dumb. Me stupid. Me go the wrong way on a one-way street. Me knock you into the middle of the walls of the building across the alleyway!" Luckily no one was eating at the time.
39  Joining the PTAbonnieDone2012/18/2004
     The smooth, dark polished wood, rich carpeting and drapes, and extensive collection of leather-bound books always served to calm my racing mind. But today my concerns would not so easily be laid to rest.
38  Going to the County FairbettyDone2012/13/2004
     As I turned, the figure yelled, "NINJA!" Insane with panic, I grabbed the blue ribbon watermelon and threw it as hard as I could at the red-faced perpetrator. "You think you have the right to scare innocent people like that? Of all the nerve!
37  News at 11gregDone2012/8/2004
     "It's the best way to sneak up on someone, and then, the instant you know they see you, you shout, 'NINJA!'"
36  Investigating VegetarianismbonnieDone2112/3/2004
    he said as he took another bite of his steak. It was clear she wasn't going to eat hers either, so he reached over and grabbed the salad dressing, saying, "If I'm going to eat nothing but salad for lunch, I'm going to need more salt and pepper.
35  Boppy's Trip to TexasbettyDone2111/28/2004
    he said. Boppy laughed and laughed. He showed her how to bring down a runaway calf and hogtie 'em. he said. Boppy laughed and laughed.
34  Dance ClassbonnieDone2111/23/2004
     We were lucky enough to have live piano music to dance to. Which makes sense, actually, because the piano player had sprained his ankle and couldn't show up. So we played a boom box until the windows started to tremble.
33  The Minotaur KinggregDone2111/18/2004
    We turned a corner and tripped over a string somebody had stretched along near the floor! "Why would somebody put that there?" I grumbled as I tried my best not to throw up. It wasn't easy I can tell you. I pursed my lips and grimaced and I then proceeded to back up.
32  The Bizarre BazaarbonnieDone2011/13/2004
    There had to be some here somewhere. And then I saw it: THE most tacky lamp I have ever seen! Of course I had to buy it! It would be the perfect gift for my pet gila monster, Scalie.
31  My Trip Around the WorldbettyDone2111/8/2004
     That's right. You won't be satisfied to stay at home. You'll want to take another trip as soon as you can. The fun is just beginning. Now we are headed for the North Pole!
30  Downtown PrecinctgregDone2211/3/2004
     Maybe a beard and a mustache would help, and some big horned rim glasses. Hmmm. And I probably should wear my gun. I'm nervous about this, you know. The fact that I'm addicted to placebos doesn't make it any easier. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference.
29  Growing Up on a FarmbettyDone2110/29/2004
    That took a while. To wash them I used cotton balls and baby oil. Everything was working great until the cotton balls started to fall apart and blow away!
28  The Dinosaur WorldbonnieDone2110/24/2004
     How soft and green was the bed of moss along the bank. But suddenly we heard a loud rushing!
27  Gardening with BettygregDone2010/19/2004
    If you see one of these, pull it up! It's a weed. So stomp on it! No, better yet dig it up with a little watering, fertilizing, and TLC, your garden will soon be overflowing with marijuana plants, and then you can make some REAL cashola! Especially if your own son is a pothead!! It looks like a cross between a marigold and a dandelion.
26  On the Open RoadbonnieDone2110/14/2004
     Then he got on the motorcycle, but it wouldn't roll. He realized he needed to oil his wheels. So he oiled his wheels adjusted his helmut and took off down the highway, 0 to 60 in 4 seconds!
25  The International VillagebonnieDone2110/9/2004
     You, mes faux amis, may leave." And with a great harrumph, they in fact did! As the last one exited the door, there came a loud applause from the audience, who then began to shout in unison,"
24  Weekend in ParisgregDone2110/4/2004
     With that, we immediately went to to the great cathedral, Notre Dame. When we walked through the great doors, everything was very quiet.
23  Xander Goes ShoppingbettyDone229/29/2004
     So Xander hurried over there and ordered a big Mac with cheese and extra ketchup and Great Biggie Fries. cried Ethan.
22  Fart DictionarybonnieDone219/24/2004
     It worked at first but not for long. Soon we had to come up with another idea.
21  Boot CampgregDone219/19/2004
     Needless to say, we were pretty exhausted, and ready for a break. We cautiously asked the drill sargeant if he would let us have some more corned beef hash before we had to do another 100 push-ups.
20  Good Old Pop's Drive-inbettyDone219/14/2004
    "This isn't right!" I exclaimed. "Pops doesn't sell chicken nuggets!
19  Going Back to CollegebettyDone219/9/2004
    Kids these days, they just want--errgkhh..." At that, the proctor had a massive heart attack and fell over, dead. I looked up at Max and said, "Do you know what this means?" "Yeah." Max replied. "ALL NIGHT FRAT PARTY!!!!!!!!!!" They don't want work! Kids these days, they just want--errgkhh..."
18  If You Give a Mouse a CookiebonnieDone219/4/2004
     We ain't had nothin' to eat for three stinkin' days but this moldy bread. Yeah, and we need some meats! And to go with that some milk!" And if you give him some milk, he will lap it up very delicately all the while holding his little pinky high in the air.
17  Our Summer VacationbettyDone218/30/2004
     "Is anybody hurt?" I asked. "That was quite a steep waterslide! I don't think I want to go down that again! It scared me too much and when I got to the bottom, I hit a Honda Civic! But since I was in a Hummer, i just kind of rolled over him and kept on going."
16  Trapped in a MinegregDone218/25/2004
     We're stuck here! FOREVER! But not to worry! Remember, we found a hidden cache of Moon Pies and RC Colas....plus we can always play the turn down game." It's stuck in some sort of space-time moebius strip, such that no matter how many times we go down it, we'll always end up back in the mine.
14  Our Visit to the LibrarybonnieDone218/15/2004
    By this time the cops had arrived and everything got very confusing after that. I realized this was a good opportunity to get out of there, so I quietly nudged past the jostling, shouting crowd, resisting the temptation to tear out the pages of the 1500-page unabridged dictionary and start making ragged origami with them.
13  Stress Reduction TechniquesbonnieDone238/10/2004
     If you're interested in relieving the stress level in your day-to-day life, the first thing to notice is your environment.
12  My New Job at Burger KingbettyDone208/5/2004
    Maybe we should replace them with soy. Do you think anyone would be able to get all those wads of gum from underneath the tables?
11  Cooking with GrandmabettyDone227/31/2004
     That's what my daddy would do. It will harden their pork brains until they're nice and crunchy. Then you dip them in chocolate, and roll them in crushed walnuts. When they are all finished, you place them carefully on a doily and garnish them with breath-freshening parsley.
10  Ultimate NinjagregDone227/26/2004
    You killed my father! You killed my brother! Now... I'll kill YOU!" And with that, they clapped the dust off their hands, clapped each other on the shoulders in appreciation and camaraderie, and clapped a leather helmet on everybody's head.
 Wall Street BluesgregDone227/16/2004
    It had been in business for 20 years, but it had to be demolished to make way for a Stop-n-Go.
 Going into SpacebettyDone217/11/2004
     Who will draw the long straw to be in it? Who will excape the seething blubbery morass of stinking foul alien green cards.
 Ye Olde Medieval DaysbettyDone217/1/2004
     I will eat at your feet for the rest of my days!" The king looked down at him and replied," and then threw back his own with peals of diabolical laughter.
 Barrister the Lawyer CatbettyDone216/26/2004
    the driver exclaimed as he leaped out. It was Tom Daschle! Laughing, we walked off down the sidewalk, leaving the mess for somebody else to clean up. The shopkeeper couldn't believe it! What was happening?!!
 The Big ConundrumbettyDone216/21/2004
    and pounded his shoe on the table for effect. Unfortunately, the force of it caused an explosion of monumental proportions! Everyone stood in fearful amazement wondering if they would be doomed to live the rest of their lives up in branches of this oak tree.
 Woo baby!gregDone216/16/2004
    Greg exclaimed as the speedometer passed 120. His Dodge Viper showed no signs of complaint, as it began to thunder and rain heavily; so much so that the roof began to lift off from the extreme high pressure inside the house.
 Big ComputergregDone186/11/2004
    THAT'S RIGHT! once he heard that, he knew the time was near. So near, in fact, he nervously checked his ticket stub to make sure he wasn't late for the previews. he wasn't. In fact, he still had enough time to play another game of Warlords Battlecry.