Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022     Where did we land? We landed right in a big pile of dry leaves! The pleasant earthy smell of po-tay-toes! 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021     This bottle had survived bombing runs, train rides, baggage valets handing it off from country to country, until it finally reached 2021. Now in his safekeeping, it was an exhilarating thought to know he might be the one to uncork it one day and unleash an onslaught of antique aromas nearly a century old. 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021     This kind of lichen is edible! Look how much there is, we could eat all day!" I nearly gagged at the idea. "I'm not really hungry," 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020      Once we entered the most secure part of the facility, it became clear what had everyone on edge: There was a large hidden aquarium covered with heavy drapes. 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020     We were starting to get ravenous, waiting around getting hungry. We started looking for the giblets. You boil those separately. They make good broth. Once you're sure you have them all, put them in your mouth. Let's quit beating around the bush here, we're all hungry. 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019      It seemed to be working until he made a sudden move and it rapidly destabilized. The reaction spiralled our of control, detonating in a colorful blossom of chemical energy. 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019      All I had left to do was type in my weight, and the computer quickly printed out a menu listing these choices: 1) Broiled troll leg with capers, 2) spicy troll soup with tortilla strips and shaved truffles, and 3) chopped troll with candied bacon bits and guacamole. 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     As usual, it was the simplest solution which made the most sense. The fear in our hearts diminished somewhat as each of the treacherous Kiwis was pushed into the holding zone. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019      The Mange had set in with great ferocity. The Vet was astounded. He said, " it must have been caused by faulty logic!" A collective gasp of shock was followed by stunned silence as everyone tried to understand how to keep 2 cats who used to be friends from absolutely screaming at each other. 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019     He tried not to walk sideways to get through most doorways but he had to anyway, and he took in stride when the rest of us ribbed him about it. etc. etc. But he was a good guy with a big heart. When we asked him if he had heard the news, he said " On a day when it's rainy and stormy all day, that's the best kind of day to just relax in your favorite chair, read a book and take a nap. 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019     And everyone vowed, "I won't stop until I get my revenge on you!" 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018     It's got vitamins, minerals, and amino acids. Everything your body needs. 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018      It looked like a wall of glimmering water. We stood there, looking at it, hesitating, until we decided to take a little bite. What a strange taste, like nothing we had ever had before. 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018     I'm going to sweep all the possum poop out of the garage and give it to someone who would appreciate it. 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018      There's something to be said for being out in the sunshine and fresh air, so maybe I should think about wearing rubber gloves when I am washing the dishes at Jim's. After all I don't want hands that look like a pair of sunglasses! 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018     Eventually we ran out of mushroom booze. Granted, the stuff makes you hallucinate, but it tastes like liquid gold. I couldn't imagine walking one more mile without at least a gallon of the stuff on hand, so I started scrounging around for old rags to wipe up the spilled lemonade and the big pool of melted popsicles. 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018     It bridged the gap between this world and the others, and beyond it were visible incomprehensible wonders and horrors alike. 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017      With their youthful energy and can-do attitude, nothing could stop the students from rioting about the demolition of the omelet bar. NO !! What to do?? They, to a man, all decided to rush the stage. It was pandemonium! Chairs were flying, fists were flying, and threats were splashed across the campus center walls with hot pink paint. 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017     But I told her "Sure, you can drive my car to Walmart." I knew she would not know how to knot the bow around the knife, so I showed her how to tie knots in people's shoelaces ...joined...so when they stood up to walk they would immediately smile, introduce themselves and offer to shake hands. 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      We did not know what to expect in the morning. Imagine our surprise when we looked out the window and we saw snowflakes floating down from the sky. 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017     I'm starving!!! I've been waiting for at least 60 minutes we were in a quandary of what to do... We finally decided to DIG IN! MMMM! DELICIOUS! To serve attractively, place the pizza in my mouth!! I'm starving!!! I've been waiting for at least 60 minutes we were in a quandary of what to do... 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016     And just in time, too. Any minute now the UPS man will come down the street in his brown truck and deliver multiple packages full of those plastic air-filled cushions. Excellent! Now we're stocked up for some New Year's Eve stompin' noisy fun! Now all we need are some light refreshments and light classical music. 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016     High-fiving all around, we proceeded to hunt for what we would need: big gift baskets filled with bubble bath, chocolate candy, and packets of candy. she declared. So everyone worked together to assemble them. 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016     Late into the night, the whole hall could the CLANG CLANG CLANG, the sound of rat-a-tat-tat, rat-a-tat-tat. Where was that coming from? !!Xander opened his closet door and found 4 little flowerpots! Choosing his favorite one, he popped it into the microwave for 3 minutes, and when he took it out, it looked like a true man cave! 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016     Why, it is as big as a polar bear! Or as big as they were before they let all the water out of the pool, they decided to wash the dog, so they soaped him up and then poured over him a bucket of chum in the backseat." "What is that horrible stench?!" 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016      Should I sell everything and buy all new there or rent a moving van? I asked the head of NASA for advice, and thoughtfully, he advised me to spead the word about this legendary plant. 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016     It's almost like flushing a commode on a windy day! Hey! Would that really matter?? 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016      One never wants to run out of Beefaroni and Coke Zero. You know before you get snowed in you should stock up on Cheetos and Cherry Smash! Get cartons of them at Costco and store them in shoeboxes which were then shoved under the bed, next to the pile of slush the dog fell into! 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     Before we left Bonnie go garnished with parsley and those mini hot peppers. But, they were so hungry that they did not have enough cash to pay for the purchases at Costco, so they emptied all their pockets and ended up with the dollar amount of $ 4, payable in two Thomas Jefferson bills. 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      Rearranging the packages I was carrying, put them all off balance and I dropped all of them right into a pool of exceeding clarity. 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016      Confronted with a mob of irritated neighbors, I ran back into the house and packed! 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015     Click clack click clack. The sound was like a cash register that would not stop....I had blown my budget big time and now I for sure must make a decision. But that's so difficult to do when your eyes are so blurry after cataract surgery! 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015     Stop looking at my bum and get on with your work!" "Do you think I am a GARDENER??? Because if so, you are correct!" He turned to go, which was awkward because he was carrying bucket load after bucket load of stinking garbage and pouring it carefully into the concrete mixer. 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015     Aaahhh! and proceeded to have a coughing fit that lasted for approximately 20 seconds. Then everything continued as before, except, curiously, one boy on a skateboard crashed through the Deli's plate glass window and he landed in the bin of expired fruit. 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015     Once I was satisfactorily secured, I was ready to gather the black walnuts, so I looked in the garage for a big surprise! We need lots of colorful leaves, and lots of dog poop which was scattered here and there in our ditch. 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015      Worth every penny! Not only was it useful for safely snagging escaped animals, you could also use it for compost. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     When I looked into the tub a few minutes later, much to my amazement I saw the tomato vine growing taller & taller right before my eyes! 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     Don't be surprised if you find yourself by asking hard questions, not taking anything at face value, exposing yourself to new experiences, and at every opportunity, enjoying a big bowl of homemade potato salad. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015      We can start a new contract for you and bill it to the nearest patriarch." Another important thing to think about is how are you going to protect your phone from accidental impacts? 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015      Then suddenly he came toward us and said, "I want my two dollars!" Panicking, I slept. Zzzzzzz Garfield was asleep again. Odie was just staring at him and then he decided to wash & polish his motorcycle and get it all ready to take to Texas ! It was going to be a whirlwind adventure, scenic, and of course buying lots of tickets: to the movies, to the amusement park, and to go to the back of the bus where you can be alone so you can read your fortune cookie! 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015      Who want a piece? Ethan will be glad to help you if you find your wallet is straining to hold all that money. First, we'll go out to lunch. Then we'll get a new phone. Then we'll get a PS4. and sure enough, an F5 tornado appeared out of nowhere and destroyed the whole town and everyone in it, including us. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     But, why then could he not get off his duff and help me?!! Sweat was running into my eyes, mosquitoes were biting me, and worst of all, the only solution I could find online was to use pesticide. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015      I had to have plenty of room to make the icing made with butter and powdered sugar. Into that, sprinkle some delicately iced with pastel swirls of curled ribbon. The most delicious part is the unique combination of chocolate chips, coconut, chopped pecans, and held together by welded high-gauge wire. 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     Then when all the cookies were gone they all got out their flashlights hoping to find their way back down the mountain, and all the time they were watching out for armadillos. 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015      I need to travel to a warm clime, and bask in the humid warmth of the American South. Animals you could expect to see include Kangaroos and Koala Bears! They are so cute. 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015      A new job! How exciting! Getting hired is one of the biggest energy boosts ever! They say the most important thing to consider when deciding to accept a new job is whether or not to include your brief stint as a soldier of fortune. 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     Why is the eggnog always gone? Why is the New Year's number always depicted as novelty eyeglasses? If only I had remembered all the eggnog was gone! Why is the eggnog always gone? Why is the New Year's number always depicted as novelty eyeglasses? If only everyone would stand still! 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     And there you have it, in black and white: Do a good deed every day and twice a day be sure to , if at first you don't succeed, try, try again, then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014     You can be confident it is if you leave the presents on your friend's front porch who lives in the ghetto that they will be picked up by a bunch of charity workers. 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014     The perfect answer to our problem--WD-40 is famous as a remedy for squeaky hinges and cleaning away sticky gunk, but I bet you didn't know you can also use it for a lethal weapon. uh-oh. There are three things you never want to hear your plumber say: "Uh-oh", "This is really going to cost a lot", and " 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014      That's what you get for asking the genie from the lamp for a million bucks! Now what?!! I called 911 and guess who answered! = Some guy in an elf costume! "HaHa! That's great!" I said, " Now I know my electric bill will go up!" I was kidding of course, but I knew now the county would surely waive the rule about no inflatables taller than 40 feet! 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     Bursting through the opening, they couldn't believe their eyes: the new wireless mouse was growing fur and teeth !!!! I stepped cautiously toward them, and suddenly they ran up the incline as fast as they could! Bursting through the opening, they couldn't believe their eyes: the new wireless mouse was growing fur and teeth !!!! 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014      They needed to be brave, intuitive, and ambitious! So I picked these three people: Gandhi, Einstein, and Owen Wilson. I figured that third choice made perfect sense because he had just eaten a loaf of bread the size of his head. 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     Not only would we sell lemonade, but we could also sell bags of ice. You know people really need those for seeing underwater. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014      And for 3 weeks I had to wear an Ace bandage on my damaged vertebrae, which were partially crushed in a parkour accident two years prior. 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     I ran so far I got lost. I didn't care, I was finally able to lift my shoes from the sticky coke residue on the floor, and I put them on top of the stack of 16mm movie reels that I stole from the projection room when nobody was looking! "Bwahahaha!" I cackled gleefully. "They'll never ever find their way outta here with all the lights out! 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     sign. I had come too far and seen too much to stop now! So I kept going until I reached the end of of the road...and there was the sun setting in a gorgeous display of orange and gold !! When I realized that, I began to run as fast as I could to get home. 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013     Then you need to put your feet up sometimes. Want a return to the moral, family values that made this country great? Then you need to put your feet up sometimes. Do you want more freedom? 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     Do not try to eat beans that have not been cooked long enough.. They may cause a tremendous amount of gas and you will feel quite light-headed. 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     So many kids, what else could she do? She went to the cobbler and moved into a pie full of four-and-twenty blackbirds. All I can say is, I don't know what someone plans to do with all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't fall asleep. 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     Then you will be safely high enough to escape the impending tsunami. We could see it coming it the far distance! It looked like a gigantic tortoise, heaving up out of the earth. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     With a GQ (genetic quotient) this high, Jerome Morrow was never meant to be one step down on the podium. 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     she exclaimed, "It's not even Thanksgiving yet, and already you're behind schedule!" Clearly the only thing to do now is have seconds! But just as I was about pile up my plate with some lovely decorated Rainbow Pony cupcakes were left at my doorstep! 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     on the Discovery channel, and in the other hand I was flipping through my JOGAR recipe book I found a recipe for pizza with added chopped beef? 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012     "Champagne?" The stewardess offered us complimentary drinks as bubbly as she was. Before anyone would take any of the glistening, tempting flutes, I barked, "NO. That's not champagne. It's actually going to be a Midnight Madness Sale and we will certainly be going to it and after that we want to get a bite to eat at the newly opened wormhole in the fabric of space!" 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     As he opened them, he said, "Mama used to say life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you might find under all those boxes." In fact, down on the floor in the far corner, I found a reason to live again! 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011     I'd never seen anything like it. It was so big that there was no way I could fit it into my shopping bag, so to carry it in I found an empty wastebasket. There was a lot, but I managed to get it all stuffed in. With that out of the way, I decided to take a break and get some tinsel to throw on the tree. 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010      It was a quiet, bright morning in Uptown Suburbia, USA. I went outside to water my plants, when suddenly I heard the deep guttural voice of a zombie! 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     We put them just where they belonged: in your face, boy!! IN YOUR FACE!! HAHAHAHA!!!! Then, we passed our box of clutter in a circle like Musical Chairs, and whoever ended up with the box, then that person had to chase the Fly Lady all over the room with a butterfly net. 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009      Most people who encounter the brown hat will never be affected by the hat's presence. However, for the select few who are touched by the brown hat, their lives will never be the same. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     That was something else. It all started when Ethan ran into the living room to take a swing in Greg's new hanging chair, only to discover that he had forgotten his Prozac. 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008     Your insurance will not cover this! Just how do you intend to take out the eyeball and lay it on the cheek just long enough to read the eye chart perfectly. 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007     But just as he was walking on stage, his grand entrance was spoiled by inferior weapons. Abiathar needed the pulverizer hammer which would be even stronger if he was carrying a load of dynamite in order to tie up Abiathar! 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007     I jumped off the building right into the middle of 5 contaminated thugs who began pummeling the Playstation in frustration. 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007     My chrysanthemums were only slightly singed. Relieved, I filled in the big hole dug by the groundhog, and on top of that dirt I put a big flat tire in the middle of the garden, because I didn't have anywhere else to put it. 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007     I moved the work table next to the cat food which was really starting to stink! I needed some deodorizing spray, so I went to the store and bought a can of Great Stuff and sprayed it into the crevice. It expanded quickly into a hard, yellowish goo which was perfect for the cats new dining area. 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006      So they fastened their seatbelts, turned to each other and grinned and then they gasped in shock at the number of bugs that had shuffled off this mortal coil on their teeth. he said as he pulled over, he took a big drink of Red Bull, burped, and he loudly exclaimed, " 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006     He paused, and then continued: " I want every intern to pay attention here. Watch me make this incision, and I don't want anybody to cry when I'm gone. I've lived a long, full life and don't have any regrets. 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     I dunked them in a thing of tartar sauce, then demanded some pieces of carbon paper to make some old-fashioned copies of himself from the cloning machine!! There were 100 accountants, all identical!! They all laughed, and said you look like an alien! If you don't believe us, just go look in the mirror, and you will see why all accountants insist on only being paid with gold bullion. 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006     I could the pressure building in my lower abdomen. If I waited any longer I would poop on myself! So I turned around and I rushed toward the massive oak tree in order to hide behind it. They wouldn't see me here. I peeked around and suddenly saw that someone was peeking back at me! 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006      It's not as easy as you think! Actually it is harder than quantum physics! That's why one time I was talking to Dr. 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006     Take one down, and pass it around, ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer! Where are they coming from?? They must be coming from Mars! We're being invaded on Christmas!" 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005     It's so sparkly, it must be alive! I wondered what would happen if I touched it, so I did. And guess what happened?!! = It exploded with the force of a 1,000 thermonuclear bombs, carving a massive crater out of the side of the moon and creating a ring around the earth, which persisted forever and ever. 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005      Oh! What fun it was to hobnob with all those blue bloods! The mayor was there, several state councilmen were there, we even saw George Allen, John Warner, and Harvey Morgan in the foyer, and they were having a heated discussion about which burned longer: a violin or a viola. 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005      For dessert I asked for English Trifle, a scrumptuous dessert of whipped cream, fresh fruit, and sponge cake soaked with nervous sweat. She wasn't paying attention and drifted into the oncoming lane! 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005     Right away we started looking for a ribbon to put on the ribbon and I was good to go! The only thing that was still bugging me was what to get for the person on my list that was the hardest to buy for: my loud and noxious neighbor. 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005      But he didn't understand that we never clean off the tables unless the manager yells at us; which he usually does every hour: He yells, " 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005     When we counted them we ended up with 1,416 pumpkins. That was more than enough to make some pumplin pie. We made enough for 50 people! So we invited the whole neighborhood, and when they all showed up we gave them a couple bucks and told them to go fetch us a newspaper. 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015     "Well, not exactly..." I said. "I don't have any idea what you are talking about. There's no title, no subject...How would I begin to know what you mean? I think you should take a break now in order to crush those who oppose us." He then tried to use the cash register, but it exploded! 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005      Why you could probably teach us to perform an EVA correctly and not drift away from the craft. First, secure your seatbelt and your helmet and make sure the main power switch is turned to cheese, just as the Lunar Society of Cheese-Lovers had predicted. 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005      Ah just kidding! The new teacher was quite a knock-out! Really! Her hair was silver blonde and reached all the way to her cell phone, to call her geeky son. Fortunately he was home. "Hey! she whispered quickly. he exclaimed. "You can't be serious! You never learned to touch-type?!! 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     I know positively that these eggs are fresh! Break this one open and you will see why you should never cook with Spam on television." (laugh track) "To start with, crack these eggs, whip them up, and blend them into your stock pot. Next, chop the garlic into tiny bits at least small enough to fit into a cupcake holder! 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005      What were you thinking to feed the twins stewed prunes?? You know eating prunes will always cause them to cooperate because they want to buy combat boots in order to have enough traction to navigate the poop-slimed floor. 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005      My payback noise will surely make the neighbors feel sorry for me if they know they've been disturbing my nesting South American hens. They won't lay eggs with all this noise! When I go out to check the nests I might be surprised to find my neighbors have switched from listening to rap music to classic. 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005     There's no telling what we will do if we start down that mountain and our brakes give out! 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005     The pavement started to get sticky, and that made the tires start to melt. I panicked at first until I learned my suit was really fireproof. Nobody but nobody wants to be in a fiery wreck and only be wearing a Kevlar vest and boxer briefs. 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005     Why don't you turn off the water while you brush your teeth? You don't need to flush the toilet every time you use it. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005      And when you look into the mirror, you will be surprised to see a box of doughnuts on the counter! It's your reward for your great progress. Now go ahead and make my day! Shoot me with your water gun that I know is really filled with great tips on maintaining your new weight. 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005     After that they didn't need to mow the lawn! The grass was all mashed down, because all the people had found such great bargains, and were so delighted, they asked us if we would consider administering a state-wide network of yard sales from an executive highrise in Manhattan. 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005      Now the fun begins! The co-pilot thought I was kidding, but far be it from me to let him know what was *really* going on. He'd probably just freak out and start to open up the escape hatch. 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005      And what's more, your nose is too much to resist. This is why I never go into CompUSA unsupervised." I nodded, and added, " Boy! Am I a Dork! Can you tell that I am a MENSA member? 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005      Your choice." But that's OK-- we can replace it with saline, or I can tell you about our latest experiment: something we've been growing in the lab. 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     And it would freak out the cats and cause them to fall. But I wouldn't worry too much because cats always are hungry. 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005      Five minutes later the glue had hardened like week-old oatmeal. And not Quaker Oatmeal, either; I'm talking about cheap, store-brand tools! They wear out or break even before you've finished one project! 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005      I decided to put it in the garbage disposal to see what would happen. I flicked the switch and the loud noise that erupted sounded like a hundred termites trying to chew through the wall! 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005     I'll be the best Space Marine you've ever seen, I promise! Now please repeat your name very slowly. Because I have short-term memory loss, you may even have to punch the button repeatedly to make it work, okay?" 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005     Even if you have to jump up and down and sing Yankee Doodle. And that's exactly what I did, much to the surprise and shock of the pilot, the rudders were stuck, and the plane was started to pitch sideways! There was only one thing to do: activate the afterburners! 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005      Others glory in it, and freely share their personal joys. For example, while having fries at the fast food restaurant, I might lean over to my friend and share this insight about myself: "I'm not in it for the fries, I'm in it for the KETCHUP!" 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005      I'll hold these two examples up so you can see the difference. (Crowd goes "Ooooh!) Also, I prefer to use a plastic spatula, as opposed to eating what you fix right in front of the audience. You know they will want to taste some of the leavings had fallen on the floor and gone unnoticed. 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005     I got my gloves, my chaps, and of course my hat. That hat and me go way back. Why, I remember when 8-tracks were giving way to audio cassettes! 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005     Coffee leads to throat cancer", but another sign said "Coffee can cure ennui!" He declared with confidence. "I can tell you suffer from it." she squealed, with wide eyes, "I just knew something wasn't right with me lately!" 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005     I said "I can do better than that! " I could have told you he was crazy, and everyone would have agreed with me, but still, no one could believe what he did next: he set the throttle to flank speed, and ran the ship aground, right in the middle of the beach! 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005      The wrecked semi was blocking traffic. "Quick! You stop traffic while I wash this man's windshield! He will surely reward me with a big wad of toilet paper stuck in my butt, I look just like a bunny rabbit! 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005      "The ad said this would make my thighs look smaller!" She said. Incredulous, he asked, "But how would you get rid of all that flab in just 2 weeks? 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005      So before they went to the store they made a list of ingredients: Trix cereal, cinnamon bun, chocolate milk, and peanut butter cookies! All part of a balanced beam that came crashing through the front door. 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005     Clip after clip was burned through until we heard those momentous words: "Cut! That's a wrap. Thanks guys, we'll see you tomorrow." 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005     It makes me want to dance! When I hear the music playing The Yellow Rose of Texas. How lilting was the music. It made me want to change into a tank top and get a cold drink. 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005      Unfortunately the sandwiches were cold and tasted old. And it's no wonder: the workers behind the counter looked as if they had been shopping for three days straight! 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005     When you fill in your applications, please include your criminal history, if applicable. That may seem like a strange question, but would you mind if I applied just a bit more hair gel? I just want to be sure to put my makeup on right this time. To help me, I want to ask Mr. 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005      How cute! His big brown eyes were gazing toward the girl relaxing on the park bench, eyes closed, gently rocking her head in time with whatever music was playing on her headphones. I thought to myself, "THAT'S what I need -- a whole bottle of sleeping pills! I'll take 'em all and then I won't have to listen to--" 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005      Everywhere was dust. Dust, dust, dust! My hair was matted with mud and straw. We started carefully cleaning it, and were surprised to discover that under the dirt was the wrapper from my Brown Mule. Oh I could be in big trouble! I quickly stuck it into my hat. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005      I'm going to climb up to the top shelf and get one myself! With that, I checked that no one was looking and threw my M&M's wrapper into the display toilet. But just as I turned around a man in a green overall quickly began to fall! 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005     Or in the children's section! You can finally eat whatever you please, whenever you please, even if it means you see the number on the scale go up one! It's O.K. Just throw out all your mirrors, and get those Amusement Park ones that make you look fatter than you really are. 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005     All the neighbors' kids were stomping in the mud, making a big mess: so I put them to work mixing up the cement instead. 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005     As powerful as he was, he couldn't resist by Cloud of Ten Lightning Fists. "For great justice!" I cried, and "All your base are belong to us!" Then I jumped over the wall and into the swirling vortex of fear! 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005      What a prize! I bet I could sell them on E-Bay for at least a hundred hours. At the conclusion of it all, we were exhausted and hungry. 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005      Ahh, the fresh air! Ahh, the sound of songbirds in the trees! Ahh, the smell of freedom! It smelled like grass, and trees, and dew. I stepped out but he could hear the millions of soldier-ant feet marching, on the move to their next conquest was to round up all the squirrels and ship them to Alaska. 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005      Boy, did it stink! It smelled like the driver must be a smoker. Frowning, we decided we could first try vacuuming up all the fragments of dried vomit. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005     There wasn't much time to waste. They were going to be late! How could she get her toddler to hurry? He didn't want to be carried; he would fight and kick if she tried that. All she wanted was to get him to the car and buckled in as fast as possible. He didn't understand the concept of shining a sink. 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004      Yeah, and there's no beans about it. That stuff has no life left. It needs to go to the auto dealership, because if I'm going to be able to park my car in this clean and roomy garage, I'm going to want it to be a new one!" 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004     Just then, Doc Samson smashed the ice sculpture into tiny shards, throwing everyone off guard, and one after another they slipped and fell onto the wet sidewalk. 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004     It's awesome!" He grabbed the Tostitos and started handing out applications for new vinyl siding and storm windows. What's going on? Is this some kind of sales pitch?!! To answer my question, around the corner came a flaming homosexual! I could tell because of the short shorts, and the brightness of his pink shirt hurt my eyes. 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004      Look at that flaky crust! Look at those plump chunks of meat on that carcass. This is the best BBQ I've been to!" He shoveled some baked beans on my plate and one big greasy hog jowl. 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004      "It's the best way to sneak up on someone, and then, the instant you know they see you, you shout, 'NINJA!'" He said that so loudly, I jumped. "Are you ," I exclaimed, "or are you not going to ask me to marry you?!" Bob exclaimed. "It's the best way to sneak up on someone, and then, the instant you know they see you, you shout, 'NINJA!'" 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004     he said as he took another bite of his steak. It was clear she wasn't going to eat hers either, so he reached over and grabbed the salad dressing, saying, "If I'm going to eat nothing but salad for lunch, I'm going to need more salt and pepper. 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     We scraped it up off the road, and put it in a tortilla! Everything tastes good in a tortilla! Meat, eggs, cheese, even chopped veggies mixed with ranch dressing, peanut butter, honey, butter, and more peanut butter. 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004      That takes stamina, strength, and a classy outfit that fits like a second skin and doesn't clash with your natural colors. For color consultation you must see an Avon representative, you need some Cellu-scupt to get rid of those unsightly lumps of fat bulging unattractively from various areas in her leotard. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004     I grumbled as I tried my best not to throw up. It wasn't easy I can tell you. I pursed my lips and grimaced and I then proceeded to back up. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004      What a sight to see! I wonder if I could take them all home? For all of them I would need a room the size of plums! "Ooh. That's very nice," I said, smiling. "No thanks." I tried to be polite but firm. No one in his right mind would ever think of charging $100 for an old rug! 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004      This was strange pizza though; it had slices of boiled egg on it. And spread over the top were bits of shredded lettuce. 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004     Ask me anything. Because I'll have an answer for you. It may not be the answer you want to hear, but it'll be too bad if we don't get these filthy jail cells cleaned out. The sargeant will take a fit. To clean them, he will probably want us to use stun guns. "Have you had any experience with those?" 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004     They were always coming around here, blabbing about how much nice it is up north, where they have eaten the grass right down to the bare ground. I think we will have to plant some more right away! Here, take this bag of grass seed and scatter it around the dining table, in between the ham, biscuits 'n' gravy, grits, and cornbread. 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004      Coming straight toward us was a giant footprint in the mud. I could have laid down in it and still had room left over. This did not bode well. The sun was sinking fast and we were running out of battery power. Soon it would be dark and we would be in the dark with no flashlights. 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004      It's a weed. So stomp on it! No, better yet dig it up with a little watering, fertilizing, and TLC, your garden will soon be overflowing with marijuana plants, and then you can make some REAL cashola! Especially if your own son is a pothead!! If you see one of these, pull it up! It's a weed. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004     She scrambled out of the car as soon as she regained consciousness enough to realize she was IN A CAR! she slurred with anger. 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004      The sun was sinking lower in the sky. It was time to start thinking about dinner. Luckily, Rosita's father had a good catch of fish from earlier that day. Digging a hole in the sand, they lay down some firewood. They placed the cooking pan in the outdoor oven which the Ruwandans had built with stone and layers of crushed bones were all that remained of those who opposed the formation of the International Village. 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004     Where's that music coming from? It seems to be all around us!" She was right; the very air seems to be immersed in vaporized perfume. 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004     But enough about that. They had no time to lose. There was a sale on homemade play dough. It was sealed in sandwich bags labeled "Made by Hand by Xander and Ethan". 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004      In fact, you will feel so good that you grab a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. The Galactic Fart: with this fart, it seems like farts are stinky all the time. 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004     Everyone moaned and exclaimed," I don't wanna got to Iraq! I'm scared!" the Sarge growled, "You're goin'! So pull yourself together and straighten up that posture, soldier! 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004      You know, the ones we don't like: They squish so easily and they taste like they always have: awesome! I went up to get a soda refill, but this guy was something else! I'd never seen anyone look so angry! We were all so scared we could do nothing but stand in shocked silence, hoping he would calm down. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004      What to do?!! Here, take this axe and knock a hole in the floor. Lying down, I could see into a dark basement room. 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004      After 3 hours of this, there was a hole the size of a small cat. Oops, too big! Now what? Well, just fill it up again. To accomplish this, one will have to accumulate enough borax to kill all the mice. 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004      There's nothing like freshening up after a long wait in the line for the "Vomitous Maximus Tilt-O-Whirl", we finally got to ride it! We got strapped in, and moments later, a sour smell came wafting through. "What IS that?" They all wondered. Mystified, they cautiously approached the abandoned roller coaster. 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004      We had to use a submarine to get to it. None of us had ever driven one before, but the tunnel was easy to drive through because there were all kinds of lights and even air conditioning. It was an amazing engineering feat to build such a tunnel under such a large amount of debt that no one could afford to rent the equipment to dig them out. 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004     By this time the cops had arrived and everything got very confusing after that. I realized this was a good opportunity to get out of there, so I quietly nudged past the jostling, shouting crowd, resisting the temptation to tear out the pages of the 1500-page unabridged dictionary and start making ragged origami with them. 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004      Why are you so blue? I think you need to sit in this massage chair and just relax. Here, I will turn on some soft music. by Wagner, done entirely with a quartet of kazoos? 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004      Chopping lettuce. I don't know why, exactly. Probably having to do with the crispiness. There's just something not quite right about these buns. Too many sesame seeds I think. Hey they look more like poppy seeds! Now we're in trouble. The Sheriff will think we have turned into an opium den. 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004     "Hey," Betty called from inside, "Are those hot dogs ready yet?" I said, "Hot dogs? I thought we we were having T-bone steaks! 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004     It was his arch-enemy approaching! Oh No! Now what? His weapons were locked in the cabinet and he had lost the key! Too bad. Well he would just have to use his fisticuff expertise. He stood his ground and watched the arch enemy spin and shrivel, whirling ever faster, ever smaller, energy bursts zinging out into the air until all the life force and all the mass had moved to the back of his neck. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004      One theory is that blue chip stocks are always a recommended buy. Unless they're going down. In which case, he proceeded to sweep up all the ticker tape from the Exchange floor. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004     Unfortunately, they were disappointed to find no atmosphere! Now what?!! "I guess we will have to get out those old-fashioned space suits. What bummer!" So they hurried to put on their Superman underwear, because it was as inspiring as nothing else is. 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004     he exclaimed. "I have a demon in my castle tower. I think I will unleash him upon my evil enemy, the Earl of Sandwich!" He strode in purposely, a roast beef hoagie in one hand, and a salami grinder in the other. 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004     Lord Elsington. Barrister's client, Lord E., was accused of stealing four little fur toys from Lord Elsington. 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004     Unfortunately, the force of it caused an explosion of monumental proportions! Everyone stood in fearful amazement wondering if they would be doomed to live the rest of their lives up in branches of this oak tree. 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004     Greg exclaimed as the speedometer passed 120. His Dodge Viper showed no signs of complaint, as it began to thunder and rain heavily; so much so that the roof began to lift off from the extreme high pressure inside the house. 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     They could buy whatever they wanted! They would never be poor again! And the first thing they decided to buy was a life insurance policy, because they knew they would not live forever. In fact, the time was coming when all the Democrats would finally admit defeat and just fade away.