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Story IDTitleCreatorStatusNum EntriesDate Finished
174  Springtime in VirginiabettyDone2212/27/2022
    And was breakfast the appropriate meal for this time? I looked at the clock, and suddenly realized! It's summer!
173  Daylight Saving Time !bettyDone234/21/2021
     Most other people would flee or cower in the face of such peril, but we could always count on him to fire up the grill!!
172  A Winter Day in the WildernessbonnieDone222/15/2021
     The nearest bystander had to duck, to avoid being hit by a flying chocolate cream pie which had been lovingly prepared by Gordon Ramsay, who proceeded to blow his top and go on a profanity-filled tirade when he saw one of the customers use a dessert spoon when he was supposed to use a soup spoon.
171  Oh, the weather outside is frightful...bettyDone2212/31/2020
     That took quite some time, but fortunately, they at least had an overstock of those little peanut snack bags to hand out to everyone.
170  The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner!bettyDone231/13/2020
    I guess I could find out on my phone, but turkey grease had dripped all over it. I need to find out what the score is. I guess I could find out on my phone, but turkey grease had dripped all over it.
169  A Breath of Fresh AirbonnieDone2211/15/2019
    a lady called out, "What about all that scum on top of the water?! How can they breathe?
168  Toiling at 3 a.m.bettyDone2210/13/2019
    If I keep it up, folks will start to never take me seriously and I may even lose friends. Well, e-friends anyway. Those were the ones I trolled the most. And one time this guy said to me, " Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?"
167  The Reckoning of the KiwisxanderDone227/28/2019
    Even worse, this an enemy they had never seen before; they swarmed over the horizon, rising to block the sun, the chattering of their thousands of quadcopter blades unmistakable even though they were still miles away. The drones were coming, and their purpose was clear: To gather enough wood for a fire and to build a shelter.
166  Somebody's Gotta Do It !bettyDone227/8/2019
    I would certainly expect it to be much better. After all, you get what you pay for."
165  I love Thunderstorms !bettyDone216/10/2019
    But he was a good guy with a big heart. When we asked him if he had heard the news, he said " On a day when it's rainy and stormy all day, that's the best kind of day to just relax in your favorite chair, read a book and take a nap.
164  Wrapping those Christmas Presents !bettyDone231/9/2019
    In the garage? Ah, man.. I will just go buy some new paper at the local Christmas wrap store. They had every kind you could think of, but I was really drawn to the sparkly tissue wrapping paper!
163  Let's Set Fire to the WoodsxanderDone2112/7/2018
    This was the moment of truth. This was the moment the past several weeks had been building up to. woods or open fields? I had to take a break and drink some ice cold Mountain Dew and eat a bite of pecan praline nougat covered in sticky napalm, which I made by dissolving Styrofoam in gasoline.
162  Some Kind of AdventurexanderDone239/10/2018
    And so, when we got back home, having experienced so much and learned so many lessons, we knew we would be facing life with more boldness from then on.
161  That Garage !bettyDone228/9/2018
    It must be like that old saying, "out of sight, out of Tums! Just thinking about that garage is tying my gut in knots! I'm going to sweep all the possum poop out of the garage and give it to someone who would appreciate it.
160  I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ?bettyDone248/3/2018
    Unfortunately, none of them knew how to use the cash register! Hmmm. Well, it did not matter because the power had gone out and it did not work anyway. I just hoped they knew how to fill out an unemployment form, because at the rate they're going, they're going to need to!
159  A large, healthy tuft of stump grassbonnieDone227/18/2018
     Ohhh, poor little thing! All alone! All it needs is a nice sunny spot and some rain now and then! Passersby may or may not care to stop and admire the large healthy tuft of iridescent green light, shimmering and floating before our eyes.
158  Cleaning up after Milo the MousebettyDone217/11/2018
     Wild animals belong back in their natural habitats which could be the jungle, savannah, or maybe the deep, dark secrets of the mind. Who knows what lurks within the heart of man? The Shadow knows. He also knows where all the best cookie crumbs are!
157  Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA CampusbettyDone227/6/2017
     Who knew what would show up? We might even see a protest by a bunch of liberal snowflakes demanding safe spaces to protect themselves from being offended. Sure enough, I found one. I walked up to them and said, "You're so nerdy and yet so down-to-earth at the same time. How do you achieve this appealing balance?"
156  San Antonio VacationgregDone225/27/2017
    I yelled. "What are we supposed to sprinkle on our tacos, for crying out loud?! HOW ABOUT A NICE SPRINKLING OF HOT HOT HOT SRIRACHA SAUCE !!!"
155  Will That Snow Ever Melt? !bettyDone212/5/2017
     Surely someone would figure out that what I really wanted was a simple joy. And isn't that part of the fabric of life? Letting yourself just enjoy all the simple things is life are so valuable. It reminds of all the times that I ever wanted more in my whole life.
154  Different Pizza ToppingsgregDone211/11/2017
     Mmm! In fact, use the big jar! Some people also like to add anchovies...ewww. Then there is the delicious fruit pizza! Sugar cookie crust with strawberries, kiwi fruit, pineapple all arranged in a pattern of pleasing proportions. The cheese should go on first, though.
153  But I don't want to!bonnieDone2011/13/2016
    That's everything we need for assembling a Gatling gun! And just in time, too. Any minute now the UPS man will come down the street in his brown truck and deliver multiple packages full of those plastic air-filled cushions.
152  We Need More Enthusiasm !bettyDone2210/16/2016
     And vendors will come to sell their homemade costumes. The matching outfits looked kind of amateur, but the makeup and wigs more than made up for it with Cherry Blossom Bubble Bath!
151  Xander's New Dorm RoombonnieDone219/9/2016
     Of course Xander won because he had the best aim, and because he also had the best laundry hamper in the whole building, word got around and students were constantly knocking on his door to see it!
150  Trying to Keep Cool !bettyDone228/20/2016
     Serendipity! We collected the balls of ice and used them to rub the backs of the necks of the people who had passed out from the heat. As each one of them came back to consciousness, They said, " Excuse me, could we please get ten pounds of Reese's Peanut Butter Cup!"
149  The Stump VinebonnieDone214/26/2016
    Besides the regular beef and pepperoni topping, I also had too many solar lights in the yard. A neighbor said I was using up too much sunshine. Irritated, I told her to quit telling me that the Stump Vine exists. "It's not real!"
148  LaundrycolleenDone204/2/2016
     Well, in that case, we should string up some clothesline in the back yard.
147  It's snowing!!!colleenDone292/22/2016
    In just a few days, we went home. So, all's well that ends well, and we ate cake and pie. But Winter is almost over!! In just a few days, we went home. So, all's well that ends well, and we ate cake and pie. What a day we had!!
145  Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !!bettyDone212/5/2016
    It had disappeared ! Maybe we should look for it in the shoe store! I know there are tons of photos to go through and sort.
144  Heeeelllllloooooo there!!!colleenDone201/10/2016
     Well, hello there!!! I've been ever so busy lately that I nearly stumbled.
143  Resolutions for the New Year !bettyDone221/9/2016
    I needed not only a handkerchief but also a big box of old receipts!" The best way to tackle tedious jobs like that is to sit down with a BIG glass of wine and ponder for a while. Soon, you will feel focused and relaxed and ready to go out the front door to my new life!
142  Ordering Online Christmas Presents !bettyDone2112/14/2015
     Yes I decided to do it: every night I would get out a different catalog, open up the turned-down pages, and proceed to checkout when you're finished. And you can do it all in 10 minutes tops....unless of course you have to register with Click and Pay which takes forever.
141  Dual CompostersgregDone2112/13/2015
     Because if so, you are correct!" He turned to go, which was awkward because he was carrying bucket load after bucket load of stinking garbage and pouring it carefully into the concrete mixer.
140  Deli BolognagregDone2211/28/2015
    The other stuff is OK, but it fit right in the charming neighborhood. The street was not too busy, except around lunchtime when my stomach was really growling and my co-workers I am sure could hear the embarrassing sounds of grinding gears. Apparently someone doesn't know how to use a manual transmission.
139  Getting Ready for Fall !bettyDone2110/29/2015
    Once I was satisfactorily secured, I was ready to gather the black walnuts, so I looked in the garage for a big surprise!
138  SlatheragegregDone219/16/2015
    Newsboys? More like Taitboys. Or DC Talk Redux." He switched to listening to Peter Furler Band instead and went to put some more shrimp on the barbie, then played footy with his mates until they got attacked by a pack of rabid dingoes.
137  Growing Those Tomatoes !bettyDone218/1/2015
    Then I carefully placed them side by side in a plastic tray. I carried it over to the Speights to see what their opinion would be. And Danny exclaimed, " They're HUGE!" Unexpectedly, the plants were hit with a terrible blight which quickly made them perk up. I was satisfied with that, so then I sprayed the tomatoes with a solution to kill the blight.
136  Midnight snackcolleenDone216/11/2015
    Was it a ghost? Uncertain, I reached out my hand and gingerly nudged the doughnut. It seemed to be moving by itself! Then through a little crack in the sugary glaze I saw several disgusting guests on late-night talk shows.
135  That New Smart PhonebettyDone226/10/2015
     Who knows when another hurricane will come through or maybe an ice storm? Because if that happened we would all have to go back to writing cards and letters. How different that was! We had to wait days or weeks for an answer! Now we only have to wait to get the bill.
134  NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THISgregDone246/3/2015
    I will give you a big fat wallet full of money if you will go over there and smack that bully. We are all getting tired of this continual harassment.
133  Why me!?!!colleenDone236/3/2015
     Who want a piece? Ethan will be glad to help you if you find your wallet is straining to hold all that money. First, we'll go out to lunch. Then we'll get a new phone. Then we'll get a PS4. and sure enough, an F5 tornado appeared out of nowhere and destroyed the whole town and everyone in it, including us.
132  Backyard ProjectsbettyDone225/28/2015
    But, why then could he not get off his duff and help me?!!
131  Cupcakes!colleenDone225/26/2015
    It was a cupmeatcake. But we weren't done yet! Next we put the pastel cupcake wrappers in the muffin pan and put it in the larger mixing bowl. I wanted the batter to stay fluffy, so very gently I hollowed out each cupcake and spooned in a mixture of soft serve ice cream, grated coconut, ground-up Kit-Kat bars, and wet walnuts.
129  Climbing Enchanted RockbettyDone215/2/2015
    We must have a detached retina or something!! It could also be caused by heavy and drenching downpours of rain which then froze over the entire Rock when the temperature suddenly dropped.
128  I Need to Take a Trip !bettyDone224/16/2015
     If I tried to take a Koala cub home, I am sure the airport authorities would introduce me to Connor Trinneer, AKA Trip Tucker from Star Trek: Enterprise! I got my autograph book ready, and waited and waited and waited. I got so sleepy that I put my head on the edge of the elevator shaft.
127  Bonnie's New Tutoring JobbonnieDone274/16/2015
    I exclaimed, "This is exactly Why I applied for this job!! I just love kids and love teaching them how to get everything organized for the next day. First, you have to be sure the correct worksheets are in each cubby hole with the kid's name labeled above.
126  Getting Ready for New Year's EvebettyDone222/18/2015
    If only everyone would stand still! If only I had remembered all the eggnog was gone! Why is the eggnog always gone?
125  New Year's ResolutionsbonnieDone2212/24/2014
    Every new day is a new chance to redeem all your failures of last year simply by giving yourself room to dream of the possibilities. Sometimes all it takes is a little gutsy resolve!
124  Get Those Presents Wrapped !bettyDone2212/24/2014
     Arrange them in a semi-circle under the Christmas tree, but make sure they are not near any pets. Now you are all set for a very Merry Christmas! Sit back, relax, and take a big sample of that egg nog !! I think we deserve it ! Regardless, I put it on the plate with the other desserts next to the Christmas tree.
123  We Need a Plumber !bettyDone2212/12/2014
     Now what?! I went outside to get a fresh bucket of water, just in case it catches fire. With all the precautions in place, I threw caution to the wind and went for a spin in my Lamborghini Murcielago.
122  Christmas DecorationsbonnieDone2212/12/2014
     They must be coming from Harbor Hills Drive! I put my car in first gear and turned onto the street and then what came toward me was a car with a Rudolph nose on the grill and antlers every where!
121  I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !!bettyDone2111/28/2014
    The doctor yelled. "We have to operate now! There's no time to climb down! Just jump! As soon as you get your balance, you can play Pac-Man with your feet ! Yes! It is possible and it will save your hands from getting that dreaded Ebola virus!
120  The Great BeyondxanderDone219/21/2014
     They needed to be brave, intuitive, and ambitious! So I picked these three people: Gandhi, Einstein, and Owen Wilson. I figured that third choice made perfect sense because he had just eaten a loaf of bread the size of his head.
119  Summer bonnieDone209/21/2014
    We have only so many square inches of skin! Plus during the heat of the day we will be under the gun to finish all fun and games we'd been planning on having a big family picnic; so we called everyone and asked them each to bring a basket of posies, so we could dance around them and sing morbid songs about the bubonic plague.
118  Best Video Game of the Year !bettyDone228/15/2014
    Then she thought to herself: "I sure do hope there aren't eggs in that cave over there."
117  The best movie EVER!!!colleenDone217/18/2014
    The whole theater is completely dark, and the ushers are busily passing out fliers advertising a competing movie theater!" they were yelling. "Union forever!" I was appalled and could not watch a minute more; in fact, I just stood up and shouted, "
116  What I Saw When I Took A Walk IIgregDone235/28/2014
    So I kept going until I reached the end of of the road...and there was the sun setting in a gorgeous display of orange and gold !!
115  You know...bonnieDone2311/10/2013
    With their unorthodox approach, they gathered exotic plants from the Amazon Rainforest, pulverized them and mixed them with liquid kale, because it's so good for you! Do you know what else is good for a scratchy throat? A nice, hot cup of tea, flavored with garlic.
114  Whatever is on your mind !bettyDone2410/27/2013
    They may cause a tremendous amount of gas and you will feel quite light-headed. The remedy for that is to be totally relaxed, have warm socks on your feet, and be ready to tackle the quarterback! Hut one, hut two, there he goes! Quick!! Get on him, before he prepared the meal.
113  Nursery RhymegregDone2210/24/2013
    So now if you have peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, or peas porridge in the pot nine days old, you can be assured it will be well-stirred even if you're not around.
112  Global Warming !bettyDone268/19/2013
    They were scarfing them down by the bowlful. Then we knew we were in store for greenhouses gases by the cubic yard. Any second now I expected a giant squid to lunge forward and puke his guts out onto the floor. The surrounding bystanders followed suit out of disgust, creating a massive river of blood, as high as a horse's bridle!
110  Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia !bettyDone224/19/2013
    I could smell what could only be described as vast quantities of Mexican food nearby. My mouth began to water and I ran for the ramp for the plane, but just as I reached it, they started pulling up the stairs, and then I loudly screamed, "
109  ThanksgivingbonnieDone1912/19/2012
    I know when I hear that sound, it means someone's at the door. And just my luck, I'm right in the middle of a shower! But what if it's important?
108  I Blew Up My Lab!gregDone2110/26/2012
    I couldn't make out the rest of the ad because tears had already begun to dissolve the ink, which ran like charcoal wisps of liquidated dreams down the face of the page.
107  Christmas Shopping IIIbettyDone212/11/2012
    "Champagne?" The stewardess offered us complimentary drinks as bubbly as she was. Before anyone would take any of the glistening, tempting flutes, I barked, "NO.
106  Let's Organize Your Garage !bettyDone227/25/2011
    Put them back into the empty egg cartons where they will be safe. Then put the egg cartons on top of the crates of rockets that we got from GI Joe's military surplus.
105  Christmas Shopping IIgregDone212/24/2011
    "NO WAY!" I retorted. "I don't want the malls to close until midnight! Because then I will have time to start shopping for Groundhog Day!!!!!!!!!!"
103  Zombie Attack!gregDone226/10/2010
    It scared me so badly that I screamed, " Where's my money, you silly stupid old fool?" Since he was no Jimmy Stewart fan, the zombie jumped out of the monitor and uttered a gravelly :) voice at me, and said right into my ear, "
102  The Art of DeclutteringbettyDone218/4/2009
    Unfortunately she could not bear to get rid of anything after all the decluttering, so she proceeded systematically to attack the zombies!
101  The hathood of the traveling brown hat.rhondaDone213/20/2009
    This story is about a brown hat. Not just any brown hat, mind you, but specifically it was really a purple hat that was needed. So we walked to the Beatific Bonnet Boutique, looked in the window, and saw just what we wanted: a winning lottery ticket! Right there in the parking lot!
100  The Nephews come to VisitgregDone2212/9/2008
    After enough beer, even the crap pizza tasted like a chili cheese dog. A tall glass of lemonade would taste good after eating that Pop Burger, he was still hungry, so he ordered another one!
99  Laser Eye SurgerygregDone2010/3/2008
    Listen you! Pay me or else! I need to make my mortgage payment on my house on Wall Street!" I told him, " Listen you! Pay me or else! I need to make my mortgage payment on my house on Wall Street!"
98  Abiathar the Superhero!gregDone214/27/2007
    After dinner, he got to his feet and threw a zombie up in the air with his Jawbreaker, while at the same time he grabbed a troll by the ankle, spun him around and launched him into orbit with one flick of his manly wrist.
97  My New Video Game!bettyDone213/13/2007
    Hey! That'd make a good name for a game: "Playstation Frustration"! In that game you'd start out in the sewers killing rats with your bare hands, then after reaching your first level, you would start hanging pictures, nice and straight.
96  Fixing up my GardengregDone221/29/2007
    Relieved, I filled in the big hole dug by the groundhog, and on top of that dirt I put a big flat tire in the middle of the garden, because I didn't have anywhere else to put it.
95  Rearranging My New Tech RoombettyDone221/31/2007
     Wow, the fur did fly! Next thing you know there was a computer virus on the screen, taunting you! It even took control of the speakers, and it was saying "Santa Claus is coming to town" over and over again until I could not stand it any longer, so I stood up and moved the cabinet of electronics components closer to the desk, so they'd be easy reach when they climbed down from the high cat tower.
94  Speeding Down the HighwaybettyDone2112/4/2006
     Well you'll never know unless you try! So they fastened their seatbelts, turned to each other and grinned and then they gasped in shock at the number of bugs that had shuffled off this mortal coil on their teeth. he said as he pulled over, he took a big drink of Red Bull, burped, and he loudly exclaimed, "
93  Having SurgerygregDone2012/1/2006
    It wouldn't have been the first time. They quietly ordered an X-ray of his brain, completely unsure what the bulge was. They were pretty sure though that the X-ray would show the presence of decades-old cysts the size of walnuts. They were everywhere! had to write out a final will and testament.
92  Accountant at WorkgregDone214/1/2006
     The hilarity continued until who would walk through the door but Mr. Rogers, of Mr. Rogers Windows! "Hey folks! I'm Mr. Rogers of Mr. Rogers Windows! Did you know that poor-quality windows could cost you a bundle in heating bills?
91  What I Saw When I Took a WalkbettyDone213/31/2006
    It left a mighty bruise, though, and hurt like crazy, so I let out a yell that sounded like a pickup truck, headed straight for me!
90  Learning a Foreign LanguagegregDone222/4/2006
    we snarled informally. Shocked, he picked his beret out of the muddy gutter, shook it off and put it on his resume.
89  Putting out Christmas LightsbettyDone212/3/2006
    Would I really get to see Santa Claus??? We rushed to the roof and searched for hoofprints in the snow, but all we found were stale, broken gingerbread cookies from last year.
88  Lazor Beam HydragregDone2212/16/2005
    "We accept your challenge!" He shouted, " You're no match for our shoulder-mounted quantum rocket launchers!" Without further ado or hesitation, he pulled out his Equalizor, opening very carefully the hatch, and peering in; there seemed to be a strange odor drifting out.
87  Concert at Chrysler HallbettyDone2112/14/2005
    We could see the entire auditorium from here, as well as mink coats, diamond tiaras, and fancy tuxedos trimmed with mistletoe and holly.
86  Touring EuropebonnieDone2112/13/2005
     This made me feel very much like an Ugly American. I pulled my beret lower over my fear of crashing. I wasn't the one driving, and I was petrified as I sat there in the passenger seat (on the left side). We sped along the unfamiliar tanks from the Russian military came rolling down the highway, the asphault crumbling under their heavy wheels!
85  Christmas ShoppingbettyDone2212/1/2005
    A tear ran down my cheek as a sudden blast of frigid, snowy air reddened my nose, numbed my cheeks, caught my breath and blew all my packages into a snowdrift.
84  Working at McDonald'sgregDone2112/1/2005
    See? It says right here: "This product may contain peanuts and for those persons with allergies, it may cause severe difficulty in operating a vehicle or other heavy equipment!"
83  Trip to the Pumpkin PatchsherryDone2211/7/2005
     So we invited the whole neighborhood, and when they all showed up we gave them a couple bucks and told them to go fetch us a newspaper.
82  test2gregDone249/16/2015
    He then tried to use the cash register, but it exploded! Into a million pieces of pillow filling! bendy. Here, hold my Silly-Putty(tm) while I give you another test. Sit down quickly and write your name at the top of your game. Because clothes make the man.
81  Going Into Space IIgregDone2110/28/2005
    It's very hard to do. But you would know that being the seasoned astronaut that you are. Why you could probably teach us to perform an EVA correctly and not drift away from the craft. First, secure your seatbelt and your helmet and make sure the main power switch is turned to cheese, just as the Lunar Society of Cheese-Lovers had predicted.
80  Taking Computer ClassbettyDone2010/27/2005
    "You can't be serious! You never learned to touch-type?!! You must have gone to school in West Virginia! Did they have electricity?
79  Cooking Show IIgregDone219/27/2005
     "Hello, everyone, I'm Kent Mansley, and this is COOKING SHOW!! Today's show is brought to you by Squeesitout Pimple Cream!
78  Potty Training the TwinsbettyDone219/24/2005
     You know eating prunes will always cause them to cooperate because they want to buy combat boots in order to have enough traction to navigate the poop-slimed floor.
77  Noisy NeighborsbonnieDone219/23/2005
    We much have been too noisy ourselves because the neighbors called up and said, " I just wondered if you knew there's a bowling alley right up the road. It's really not necessary for you to practice at home.
76  Driving Across CountrybettyDone229/16/2005
    As if on cue, the voice of Jackie Gleason could be heard exclaiming, "You're going too fast!" But think about it, how are you going to avoid that big traffic jam up ahead? I think the best way would be to just act natural.
75  NASCAR DaysgregDone219/9/2005
    That way, in case you roll over you will always land right side up again, which is why you must always make sure your safety harness is correctly fastened. duh...I don't know. It's a terrible thing to lose your train of thought in such an intense environment! You have to be able to think on your feet!
74  Conserving WaterbonnieDone229/9/2005
    The cigarette lighter cost a dollar. The foil pinwheel toy cost a dollar. In fact, *everything* we bought cost a dollar! Then we realized we were in a progessive town because our hotel room had "hot water on demand": to conserve the water that normally runs down the sink while you're waiting for it to get hot, there were small water heaters installed right next to the toilet was a strange-looking water saving device.
73  The Best Diet Ever!sherryDone218/31/2005
    Awesome! But there's one thing that would better than that, and that's when you'll start to notice the fat just melting off! And when you look into the mirror, you will be surprised to see a box of doughnuts on the counter!
72  What a Yard Sale!bettyDone208/23/2005
     You know the old joke. It rattles. There's a warning label. You give it to somebody, and when they open it, 20 bullfrogs will jump out!
71  Test PilotgregDone218/17/2005
     I knew perfectly well that we were over the coldest part of a TV dinner when you get it out of the microwave is always the center part. That's why you have to stir it it up, and the explosion was so BIG that I had to dive under a cloud was his nemesis, in a sneaky holding pattern.
70  A Day in the Life of a DorksherryDone218/14/2005
     "I'm only doing that today," he answered, "tomorrow I'm going to upgrade my PDA to have 256 MB of RAM! she said, "I just can't relax unless I know that you have other clothes to wear besides one bearing logos and movie quips from Star Wars, Star Trek, Tron and Hackers, I'll never go out with you!"
69  Time for a Checkup!bonnieDone218/3/2005
    If I did, then I could REALLY feel my heart pounding! I knew I had to get out of there, and the only way to do it was to amputate from above the knee. But that's OK-- we can replace it with saline, or I can tell you about our latest experiment: something we've been growing in the lab.
68  Building My New Cat CondobettyDone217/10/2005
    All I have to do is take all this extra cat litter and put it in the display case at the local Pet Store. It will spark so much interest, you'll be building the biggest mega-cat-condo in the world! Now it should be simple to fix. All I have to do is take all this extra cat litter and put it in the display case at the local Pet Store.
67  Putting Up WallpapergregDone216/12/2005
    It was so good, I licked it again. "Hey! Quit that! You're getting wallpaper paste all in my hair! uh oh, I'm all out. That's OK, because we bought extra rolls just in case.
66  My Newest Home Improvement Project!bettyDone205/17/2005
     All their cute little night lights will always be upside down--cackle cackle. THAT will teach them to use acetone to clean the hardwood floors.
65  Phone CallbonnieDone215/9/2005
     What's your point?" "Okay, okay. I thought I'd better tell you what type of weapons you'll be using. As a Space Marine, you'll have a 40mm shoulder-mounted plasma thrower, 30cm vibroblade, and of course a standard simple telephone table is all that you need.
64  Airline PilotgregDone214/23/2005
    And that's exactly what I did, much to the surprise and shock of the pilot, the rudders were stuck, and the plane was started to pitch sideways!
63  I'm Not In It For The...bonnieDone214/6/2005
     No one can take the smile off my face! It's going to stay there until you get a good principal!" "We don't want a good principal!" "We want more crackerjacks!
62  Hosting a Cooking ShowbettyDone214/12/2005
    This was the lowest ranked show ever! To improve things, we had to make sure everyone in the audience got at least a taste, so we passed out portions the size of your brain doesn't matter. The size of your mouth is! Can you talk a good show? Will your viewing audience please stop throwing food and sit down!
61  Ain't It Cool?gregDone224/7/2005
    Just say "Aayyy!", be cool, and don't forget to wear your sunglasses, your sunscreen, and most of all don't forget your comb, even if you don't need it because your hair's so cool already. Because people will notice and say "He's all about style! How cool is that?"
60  Competing with Starbuck'sbonnieDone214/2/2005
     She gave me such an evil look, that I really wanted to give her a chance to make better hot chocolate than the swill she had been serving. I told her, "You have to SMILE at the customer! Make them feel welcome! Here, I'll show you."
59  My First Ocean CruisebettyDone213/28/2005
     My first ocean cruise! I flew to Miami and boarded the beautiful liner with all the other baggage, getting stowed in the hold. The weather was balmy and perfect. It seemed a good time to take a walk around the deck and breathe in a lot of fresh fish!
58  Captain UnderpantsgregDone213/23/2005
     Now they are going to freeze while you walk, and soon you won't be able to have a bowel movement because you'll be so constipated!
57  New Year's Resolutions!bonnieDone213/18/2005
    He was irritated. Calmly, she answered, "I'm thinking if we ate nothing but lettuce and skim milk for a month we may look good for the St. Valentine's Day party.
56  Saturday Morning's Cartoon MarathonbettyDone213/13/2005
     There was utter pandemonium until Mr. T. 's deep voice resonated through the room, declaring, " All your base are belong to us, make your time!" Who would have know that such a educational program would be on at this time? It taught geography, history, economics, as well as Bazooka Bubble Gum and Reese's Pieces.
55  Spy Base AlphagregDone213/8/2005
     Also here is a good one: "To be or not to be?" Me thinks in our midst we have a genuine emergency! The mood in the room instantly electrified.
54  Texas WinterbonnieDone203/3/2005
     A lady brought us some cold drinks. Soon we felt better, so we hightailed it over to the rodeo to see how long we could stay seated on that wild bucking brown and white streaks on my skin!
53  Christmas Shopping - 2004bettyDone202/26/2005
    Hundreds of kids having a present wrapping contest. Paper, ribbons, tape were flying everywhere.
52  Modeling AgencygregDone212/21/2005
    She paused for a final jelly doughnut before entering the inner sanctum of the plush office where dozens of models were milling around, considering who would look best in which outfit. as, in shadow, they moved, tall and willowy through the revolving door, but they lacked the coordination to get out!
51  All I Need Is...bonnieDone212/16/2005
    Chicken and prunes! Yuk! I would rather have a deadly attack robot! It would have to be at least 8 feet tall and 4 feet wide. And that is hard to find. To see a good selection I think I will have to go to the baths, and have a good soak.
50  My Summer at the Archeological DigbettyDone212/11/2005
     I considered that, but decided it would be better to just hand it to him and let him put it in his pipe and smoke it.
49  Shopping at Lowe'sgregDone202/6/2005
    I always either had too little lumber, too few nails, or too few employees available to help me! I have no idea where the restrooms are in this store, and I need one bad! I need one so bad that I can't wait any longer for someone to help me!
48  Anorexia TherapybonnieDone212/1/2005
     That will add good protein without making you feel overfull. Eat quickly, and that saltine cracker will be gone before you know it. Now you may eat one Goldfish cracker. Next, eat some ice cream. This should remind you of the pleasure of eating.
47  Building My New House!bettyDone231/27/2005
    That's why I needed an expert carpenter. Once you start getting creative you can envision new shapes for rooms. For instance, how about the shape of an egg? We could use that for the windows, the furniture, and the whole enchilada really did fit on the makeshift picnic table.
46  Ultimate Ninja IIgregDone211/22/2005
    It's almost time for my backward-spinning atomic dragon kick!" I bounced off two walls and the ceiling, appearing as no more than a black ghost before I landed the blows, methodically right between the eyes, whirled around and thrust a powerful kick right into his solar plexus!
45  Election Day!bettyDone211/17/2005
     So why not stick some on the voting booths for fun? I bet that would get more people to vote!
44  A Day in the Life of...bonnieDone201/12/2005
     Yeah, and how about that possum! Always eating all their expensive IAMS and bowls of sugar! SUGAR! Right there next to the hill! We couldn't believe it! Such a concentration of food in such close proximity! Immediately we set to bringing it into the nest. Delirious with joy, I lept aboard the ship that would take me home.
43  High School CarwashgregDone201/7/2005
     We took it and squeezed it as hard as we could. Then we took both ends and twisted them into mangled balls of metal.
42  Pushed Over the EdgebonnieDone211/2/2005
     Now I was really thankful for those ballet lessons. My new flexibility was a great asset to my health. I thought it was worth a try, so I plugged in some batteries and turned it on.
41  Cleaning Out the GaragebettyDone2112/28/2004
     It looks like plastic poop; you know that artificial dog poop that you fool people with? Never mind scoop it up and throw it into the dumpster parked on the side of the house. We had rented it for just this purpose. Waste Management was going to come get it at the end of the week.
40  HULK SMASH!gregDone2012/23/2004
     Everyone made a dive for the only door. Unfortunately in their path was a deep hole from where the truck had landed.
39  Joining the PTAbonnieDone2012/18/2004
     What's going on? Is this some kind of sales pitch?!! To answer my question, around the corner came a flaming homosexual! I could tell because of the short shorts, and the brightness of his pink shirt hurt my eyes. I just looked the other way, because the PTA President had a booger on her nose.
38  Going to the County FairbettyDone2012/13/2004
     Then I grabbed a ticket to go see the biggest cow on the planet. When I peeped through the fence at it, it looked like a NINJA! she said, " I did too pay for my last Ferris wheel ride. Look, I have the ticket stub right here, next to my prize-winning apple pie.
37  News at 11gregDone2012/8/2004
    Thus Spoke Zoroaster", from "2001: A Space Odyssey". And then, it was time for an ad. A man appeared holding a microphone in the face of John Kerry so close that his nose was almost all the way to the back of his head! "Who did this to you?" They asked. "NINJA!" He yelled "Stop the presses!
36  Investigating VegetarianismbonnieDone2112/3/2004
    Get ready to mash those soybeans and mold the tofu into shapes resembling flowers. Admittedly, that artistic effort, combined with the variety of color in the salad made it extraordinarily beautiful.
35  Boppy's Trip to TexasbettyDone2111/28/2004
    On her salad she had crumbles of Bleu Cheese and bean sprouts with a delectable dressing made of Mediterranean olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and grated bits of dried hot peppers! Spicy is good! Good for the immune system! Good for your mood! It's even good for fryin' up that armadillo you done run right over with your dang ol' truck.
34  Dance ClassbonnieDone2111/23/2004
    Fortunately, they breezed through all the physical training and went on to become decorated infantry. Their only recourse was to join the Army. Fortunately, they breezed through all the physical training and went on to become decorated infantry.
33  The Minotaur KinggregDone2111/18/2004
    the Minotaur King was relieving himself right above us!" I whispered back, "Now's our chance!" We carefully snuck around until we were right behind him, and with one swift movement, I lunged with my scimitar. It slid between the scales of the Minotaur King's armor and plunged deep into its side.
32  The Bizarre BazaarbonnieDone2011/13/2004
    It would be the perfect gift for my pet gila monster, Scalie. Scalie loved gifts like this! She usually ate them. At a nearby table, I saw a bright red hula hoop left over from the 50's.
31  My Trip Around the WorldbettyDone2111/8/2004
    Who knows? We might even end up with hemmorhoids so bad we won't even be able to sit down. declared Paspartout with a rakish grin. We laughed and laughed; Men wearing hula skirts! It was so funny. When they tried to dance, they ended up in the Taj Mahal, surrounded by furious Muslim imams!
30  Downtown PrecinctgregDone2211/3/2004
     The second one says, "Are you sure?" And the first one says, "I'm positive!" Get it? That's the way we do things around here. And sometimes I had to bash some heads to make it happen. someone yelled, "have you seen those platinum handcuffs that were in the display case?!!
29  Growing Up on a FarmbettyDone2110/29/2004
     "It wouldn't've mattered! It just got hit by a tornado!" "If it was sturdier maybe it could've handled it better!" Clearly the stress of the situation was getting to everyone, but the bickering stopped when we heard a loud explosion coming from the outhouse. Then we realized it was just Sid fartin'.
28  The Dinosaur WorldbonnieDone2110/24/2004
    as if they were fleeing from something. That's when we heard it: birdlike calls, a sound like distant rumbling thunder, and the snapping, cracking sound of large trees falling. We didn't know what it was and adrenalin surged as we all jumped to our feet.
27  Gardening with BettygregDone2010/19/2004
    If you see one of these, pull it up! It's a weed. So stomp on it! No, better yet dig it up with a little watering, fertilizing, and TLC, your garden will soon be overflowing with marijuana plants, and then you can make some REAL cashola!
26  On the Open RoadbonnieDone2110/14/2004
    Zoom! Down you go! Everybody out of the way! And every time I get to the bottom, I have this feeling of diarrhea running down my pants leg...
25  The International VillagebonnieDone2110/9/2004
     She easily picked up the noodles, and then deftly she reached into the bowl and she picked up a hockey stick and skated out onto the ice.
24  Weekend in ParisgregDone2110/4/2004
    I screamed. "Why, I oughta punch your red diaper doper baby lights out! You flamin' liberal French sissy. Go back into your cave and drink your cafe au lait. Next time I see you I will give you $20, but only if you can seat us in a better part of the restaurant.
23  Xander Goes ShoppingbettyDone229/29/2004
     There was a sale on homemade play dough. It was sealed in sandwich bags labeled "Made by Hand by Xander and Ethan". The play dough looked nice and squishy and came in lots of colors. Each bag weighed half an ounce, so we were able to stuff a great many of them in Xander's backpack before he started complaining.
22  Fart DictionarybonnieDone219/24/2004
    On that note, would you like some more teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea? How about some sugar? You can't have tea without sugar! and you can have it with bacon, eggs, Spam and sausage." "But I don't LIKE Spam!" "That's OK, I've lost my sense of smell.
21  Boot CampgregDone219/19/2004
    Sometimes I did anyway, and I paid sorely for it. Soon I had a cold, and I had to think long and hard if I should keep going out in the cold rain with no boots on.
20  Good Old Pop's Drive-inbettyDone219/14/2004
     Here, rinse it off with this sprayer. NOT AT ME! Aim it that way!" Quickly, I retrieved the wiggling hose and finished cleaning up. Nervously, I looked up at him to see the whole congregation of Lighthouse Worship Center walk through the door right behind him.
19  Going Back to CollegebettyDone219/9/2004
    a voice rasped. I gasped. An old lady, bent with age, shuffled out of the shadows. "You thought this place was abandoned because it is so dirty and unkempt, but that is the way the students like it. It reminds them of home.
18  If You Give a Mouse a CookiebonnieDone219/4/2004
     They are so rude. They must have learned how to do that from reading Soldier of Fortune magazine. I mean, these rodents were *organized*. They were always one step ahead of us, always anticipating a gourmet delight, complete with linen napkin, real silverware, sparkling crystal goblets, and soft relaxing heavy metal music.
17  Our Summer VacationbettyDone218/30/2004
     "That's terrible, who would have thought ice cream could melt so fast! Hurry we need to try to refreeze it!
16  Trapped in a MinegregDone218/25/2004
    someone complained, "You'll use up all our air!" But I knew she was wrong because she was always wrong.
14  Our Visit to the LibrarybonnieDone218/15/2004
    That'll liven things up around here!" Alas, every book in the entire library was checked out. Now what?! I guess we will have to go to the comic book store.
13  Stress Reduction TechniquesbonnieDone238/10/2004
    About an hour later we were all too drunk to stand up, but we sure weren't stressed anymore.
12  My New Job at Burger KingbettyDone208/5/2004
    The supervisor clapped me on the back as the cameras flashed; but I didn't notice. I was busy fainting from the horror. Oh... The Horror... "I'm happy to be the one to tell you, you've just won a LIFETIME SUPPLY of Super-Sized Whopper Combo Meals!!!"
11  Cooking with GrandmabettyDone227/31/2004
    This will pep you up: a nice hot cup of hot tea! What in the world else would a Grandma have at the end of a long day........or at the beginning of a short one?! But before she could drink it, she had to add a spoonful of honey and a little squirt of diarrhea, and she knew she should haven't eaten that greasy platter of fries and fried chicken with extra grease.
10  Ultimate NinjagregDone227/26/2004
    I'll kill YOU!" And with that, they clapped the dust off their hands, clapped each other on the shoulders in appreciation and camaraderie, and clapped a leather helmet on everybody's head.
 Wall Street BluesgregDone227/16/2004
    In which case, he proceeded to sweep up all the ticker tape from the Exchange floor. But he decided he needed help, so he asked a group of socialist insurgents to stop making so much racket and go buy them lunch. In exchange, they agreed to exchange insider information, hoping that the authorities would never find out.
 Going into SpacebettyDone217/11/2004
    In fact... exclaimed Sam with barely contained glee. Unfortunately, he was wearing his kyptonite underwear that day, and they all parachuted out into a black hole of oblivion.
 Ye Olde Medieval DaysbettyDone217/1/2004
     But only an hour later, the King and all his countrymen gathered on the field of battle. The enemies were pouring across the hillsides, and they were all wearing clothes that were way too lightweight for the unexpected turn of events which had placed them here, shivering, being splashed with icy hot oil poured from the castle walls.
 Barrister the Lawyer CatbettyDone216/26/2004
    Lord Elsington exclaimed. But Barrister denied that his client had done any real wrong. The prosecutor, Miss Na Tasha scrambled up fuming. She dove at Barrister with claws extended. The fur did fly. even tried to intervene, but he was stomped on by Godzilla.
 The Big ConundrumbettyDone216/21/2004
    After the rap was over, Greg stood up and shouted, "There will be no discussion!" Invigored with his courage, again he shouted, " and pounded his shoe on the table for effect. Unfortunately, the force of it caused an explosion of monumental proportions!
 Woo baby!gregDone216/16/2004
     Rubbing her sore shoulder, she asked the nearest patron "What does a girl have to do to get some service around here?!" Her manner frightened the man somewhat, so he stammered Woo Baby, I just wet my pants!
 Big ComputergregDone186/11/2004
    he wasn't. In fact, he still had enough time to play another game of Warlords Battlecry. Being only 10 battles away from finishing another campaign, he was anxious to see which orb he would get next. So immediately he began to jump up and down and sing "Yankee Doodle." Everyone was so inspired by his shameless act of pariotism, they stood up and applauded with great gusto, knowing full well that as soon as they sat back down, they would know that this was the end of the world as they knew it.