Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022      You are the biggest dummy I have ever seen! Can you not see that bird's nest? 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021      I welcome that as much as I welcome having more hours of daylight to work outside in the yard, there's also something to be said for the comfort of a sherpa blanket. 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021      I chose to feel enraged and offended. I pulled out one of my several protest signs and started swinging it like a battle axe. The nearest bystander had to duck, to avoid being hit by a flying chocolate cream pie which had been lovingly prepared by Gordon Ramsay, who proceeded to blow his top and go on a profanity-filled tirade when he saw one of the customers use a dessert spoon when he was supposed to use a soup spoon. 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020     If you're into meditation, make sure you have a cup of coffee ahead of time so that you don't accidentally slip on a patch of ice and land face-first in a pile of freshly driven icy cold snow causing me to feel the need to call the airline and confirm my flight hadn't been cancelled. 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020      While waiting for the turkey to finished roasting, the oven twiddled its thumbs, wishing it had remembered to charge its phone. It takes a number of hours for a turkey to cook properly, and even an oven has limited power. But Chancellor Palpatine has UNLIMITED POWER!!!!!!!!! 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019      He never puts anything away. Someone else does it for him, just as when he wants to sit down, what do you think happens?? He realized he broke a string in the last movement! 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019     LaLaLeiya was watching me wondering... taking a crap in my front yard? I work hard getting this grass just the way I like it, and now you're ruining it. 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     As the countdown began, the Kiwis settled comfortably back in their form-fitting astronaut seats and prepared for take-off. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019     This was the most disappointing robotic vacuum I had ever used. 1 star! It got caught on everything! 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019     And now you know why this IHOP menu is framed and hanging on the wall. A bit of a lunkhead friend, though, considering when I asked him to give us an autograph, he grabbed the nearest thing to do it on. And now you know why this IHOP menu is framed and hanging on the wall. But he was also my friend. 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019     It was then I finally realized as I reflected on everything that had happened, that this had truly been the best Christmas ever! And everyone vowed, "I won't stop until I get my revenge on you!" 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018     she said. "That's not a walnut! It's a long way from here, so we'd better get started!" With that, everyone looked around to be sure nobody was watching when they dumped their camping garbage into the fast flowing river. Swollen from recent rains, it would be a good protection from big brown grizzly bears who roam around always looking for tasty wheat! 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018      He'll probably say, "You dunderhead! Obviously it's because I did not have a flying carpet when I needed one!" Now what? Here I am, stuck up on this remote control for the Blu-Ray player. I kept mashing buttons and nothing worked. In frustration, finally I kicked the door. 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018      From that point on, I knew I had to block the back door fast because water was truly running down the hill and quickly coming into the living room where we were playing a board game. 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018      Anyway I also thought Bill Miller's Barbecue might be a good place to work. Certainly the smells there would be delightful! Wow! Thinking about that, why am I even still considering other jobs?? But this is an important decision, so I'll keep thinking. 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018      Especially when finding it where you least expect to find a skunk baby. Ohhh, poor little thing! All alone! All it needs is a nice sunny spot and some rain now and then! Passersby may or may not care to stop and admire the large healthy tuft of iridescent green light, shimmering and floating before our eyes. 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018      Yes, ...it had to be done..argh. Coming home from Texas I opened up the cabinet door under the sink, and saw a cat. "Perfect!" I thought. "They're designed to be mousetraps, and are cute and fuzzy too." I scooped him up and went through a massive stone archway, imposing and mystical. 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017     He tapped his conductor's rod on the podium, and then, when he was sure he had their attention, he said, "I am the Big Cheese around here. 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017     "How strange," I exclaimed, as I tried to climb over the fence, but scintillating disco balls blinded me and I couldn't continue! The light was brilliant! So bright I had to shield my eyes with my hands and with a soft folded napkin lovingly wrapped around, I placed the tombstone behind the fresh grave, as requested. 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      You might even run into a zamboni! And you're miles from the nearest skating rink. The nearest one is right next doo' Let's walk over there, introduce ourselves to the new neighbor, and say, "Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on?" And so I wake in the morning and I step outside just to get a breath of fresh, crisp, cold air, but what do I get?!! 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017      Something that tastes this good should be offered in the Trump Tower restaurant!! I am sure Donald Trump himself would order at least five! Then arrange them attractively around the orange pools of grease that the pepperoni left behind. 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016     I put it into the same category as washing the dog: every day is overkill, but waiting a month is too long." We could probably agree it's the same with grocery shopping: Don't shop when you are hungry! 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016      And I cannot seem to find it. Do I need to attend a focus group? And if I did, who would be there? 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016     His roommate used it for all his in-dorm smithing needs. Late into the night, the whole hall could the CLANG CLANG CLANG, the sound of rat-a-tat-tat, rat-a-tat-tat. Where was that coming from? !!Xander opened his closet door and found 4 little flowerpots! 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016      So cool that that I had to put on a show to impress the neighbors. They were unfortunately unimpressed, and said haul that big garden cart over here! We are going to hose water into it and then fill it it with ice. Turn on a high-powered fan and aim it toward my neighbor's open back door. 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016      I looked it up on wikipedia and it said a stump vine is just a another name for a happening that is probably rare where they live, but a common occurrence around these parts. I sat down with my neighbor Jed to shoot the breeze and chew tobacky, and I told him that people around here would know what he's talking about. 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016      There will be no danger of wearing dirty clothes again! Everything is washed, dried, and hung on hangers!Woohoo ! The 5 colors I picked were black, navy blue, charcoal gray, gray, and maroon. There will be no danger of wearing dirty clothes again! Everything is washed, dried, and hung on hangers!Woohoo ! 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016     Glo-Quips sent a photographer and when he came by, he shoveled the sidewalk in front of their french doors, even though everybody knows they never salt the roads anymore because the salt rusts out the undercarriage of the metal railing. 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     With that, he turned on his heel and and phoned for the men in white to bring a strait jacket. After they brought it, he strapped it on his chest. 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      In fact, anyone could just walk in and easily help themselves to croissants, chocolate eclairs, and mugs of steaming beef stew. Ladelling out a serving, I went out on the patio and enjoyed a big bowl of roasted chili peppers. Maybe it was because their kitchens were so well-organized. 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016     I needed not only a handkerchief but also a big box of old receipts!" The best way to tackle tedious jobs like that is to sit down with a BIG glass of wine and ponder for a while. 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015      Woo hoo!!" It's like free money!! and who would that be? !! That would be SANTA!! The only one who delivers more Christmas presents than UPS! 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015     "Do you think I am a GARDENER??? Because if so, you are correct!" He turned to go, which was awkward because he was carrying bucket load after bucket load of stinking garbage and pouring it carefully into the concrete mixer. 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015      The street was not too busy, except around lunchtime when my stomach was really growling and my co-workers I am sure could hear the embarrassing sounds of grinding gears. Apparently someone doesn't know how to use a manual transmission. 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015      The next aroma you smell will be burning leaves of course from Stephens back yard. he makes me want to put on a harness attached with strong rope and carabiners to something sturdy. 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015      Oh no! So he slowly slithered backward, but they had spotted him! They marched toward him with military precision, but in slow-motion. It was amazing to watch. Mesmerized by the sight, we found a place to sit down quietly and stared intently at the small entrance. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     Unexpectedly, the plants were hit with a terrible blight which quickly made them perk up. 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015      Why is it that you don't get hungry until you are in the kitchen. Don't be surprised if you find yourself by asking hard questions, not taking anything at face value, exposing yourself to new experiences, and at every opportunity, enjoying a big bowl of homemade potato salad. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015      I am sitting on the front porch now watching for the app to close without losing my patience with it. Instead I decided to add a new game app. The name of it was Clash of the Terrible Twos. Unpredicatable, delightful, exhausting, outrageous and wonderful, the new ring tone was delightful. 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     Panicking, I slept. Zzzzzzz Garfield was asleep again. Odie was just staring at him and then he decided to wash & polish his motorcycle and get it all ready to take to Texas ! 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015      If something is missing, always remember: look under the couch cushions for any stray peanuts. I am sure I lost some. We want to make our own peanut butter in our new electric hot tub. It's great! The only drawback is that our refrigerator is on the blink and all the food is slowly spoiling. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     they cried in unison. They then proceeded to knock over all my pink flamingoes in protest and put arsenic in the birdbath. That was the last straw! I needed to go to the store to buy more straws to build my custom-crafted trellis. Grabbing my car keys, I hurried up to Lowe's to buy some mulch. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015      I need to make special cupcakes for a coworker's birthday. So, I decided to use paper liners this time, because the last time I didn't, and add any baking powder, so when I took them out of the oven, they looked like they would be delicious! 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     I took out my camera and turned around facing west where in the distance we could see giant floaters in our vision! 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015     It's hazardous to do that because the TSA might take you aside and frisk you! After I walked through the metal detector, I heard someone say, " Mind The Gap!" His authoritative tone irked me, so I took particular care in minding who was sitting next to me. I was watching for turbans, scarves, and most of all I was mindful of the gap. 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015     She also liked to tell them what nutritional snacks to choose. So she placed a variety out and on the table they saw plate after plate of pewter plates showing Plato doing pilates while drawing palatable doodles on a pallette with a Pilot pen, and dreaming about piloting. 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     Why is the eggnog always gone? Why is the New Year's number always depicted as novelty eyeglasses? If only I had remembered all the eggnog was gone! Why is the eggnog always gone? Why is the New Year's number always depicted as novelty eyeglasses? If only everyone would stand still! 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     W.C. Fields said that!" I exclaimed. "OK, now it's your best hope for improving your life. So what do you want? Do you want to take a trip to some exotic tropical island. Hmmm I think this destination would be a good choice: the unemployment line! 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014      Forthwith, they will be taken to the Salvation Army depot. From there they will be handed out to homeless people. What will they do with them? Obviously, they will put them in the refrigerator asap. Chop! Chop! Once they get good and cold, they will be ready for pickup! 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014     With all the precautions in place, I threw caution to the wind and went for a spin in my Lamborghini Murcielago. sign because the fuzzy dize were blocking my view, and unfortunately the odor was overpowering. 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014      However, as he stepped over the threshold, he stepped into a cave. He could see tunnels to the SOUTH and NORTH beneath his torchlight. 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     It is possible and it will save your hands from getting that dreaded Ebola virus! Get away from me with those unwashed hands, those filthy clothes, those rock formations look suspicious." 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014      Bring some comic books. But the funniest suggestion of all was to don't even worry about it, just go ahead and take some time to consider who you want to take with you. Maybe one choice would be Mr. T. I pity the fool! Quit your jibba-jabba! I ain't flying in no plane, you crazy alien from Mars! 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     And you thought it was only good for dissolving corn starch packing peanuts. WRONG! You can also use Skin-So-Soft Bath Oil. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014      And I am sure they would all bring their own beer. Last time we had an all-night video game marathon, the beer alone cost me all the money I made mowing lawns all summer! 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     Then some other people also stood up, put their hands over their hearts, and with great gusto, they sang " Should old acquaintance[s] be forgot, and never brought to mind, then I'll never see you again, and that suits me just fine." I yelled. Then some other people also stood up, put their hands over their hearts, and with great gusto, they sang " 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     I had come too far and seen too much to stop now! So I kept going until I reached the end of of the road...and there was the sun setting in a gorgeous display of orange and gold !! 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013     Do you want more freedom? Want a return to the moral, family values that made this country great? Then you need to put your feet up sometimes. One must get rid of them by voting for the Republican candidate! 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     Stunned, I whirled around and to hear Penelope throwing up! My game was interrupted! I was halfway through getting an upgrade for my level 1 Floor Sweeper. To get to level 2 he has to upgrade his shoes; one way to do this is to plod along methodically, but some people work better after they have cleansed their systems with special vegetarian drinks made with pureed kale. 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     She went to the cobbler and moved into a pie full of four-and-twenty blackbirds. All I can say is, I don't know what someone plans to do with all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't fall asleep. Counting sheep didn't work. 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     The streets were teeming with people donning their cheddar hats, colby jack vests, and of course, their feta shoes. But suddenly, swarms of cheese-loving imps scrambled out of the manholes and began devouring the Twinkies from the overturned Hostess truck. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     "I THOUGHT I saw a passenger carrying a suspiciously-shaped bag. 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     He replied, "It would cost a bazillion dollars to cater Thanksgiving dinner to the whole town! But that's okay, Christmas is just six days away!!" We don't have time to cook it in the oven!!" 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     Someone must have left food in here! Ah, I found an old lunch bag! And in it were stale pieces of air. There wasn't enough oxygen to breathe! Gasp! He had to get out! He had to order pizza to be delivered to the lab and the toppings were a choice from four: The four edible choices were BBQ beef brisket, chicken tetrazini, grilled salmon, or a Popburger. 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012     Now he has great breath! (Muhahahaha) He also has another present hidden in the glove box of his car. Already in the glove box was a carefully wrapped gyro sandwich, hot and freshly made with lots of whipped cream and chopped up maraschino cherries and topped off with premium unleaded. 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     Then put the egg cartons on top of the crates of rockets that we got from GI Joe's military surplus. For the love of all that's holy, don't bump them! That's a good egg. Now also watch out for jugs of dirty car oil, because if you were to accidentally kick one over, your foot would probably end up kicking the butt of somebody who just wandered into your garage and started messing everything up. 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011      So instead, I had to settle for a bargain bin, discount roll of wrapping paper that was hideous. Imagine if post-impressionism and paisley had a child which then vomited onto a sheet of paper: that would look about twice as nice as this paper. 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     I don't have any room left for you." The zombie lumbered off and I knew I had to beef up my defenses in a big way. So I added a whole line of new models of subcompacts. 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009      The Art of Decluttering has passed down through the ages and is renewed by each generation. The best teachers for this activity are female ! But that's OK! As a male, I know how to get things done. And the first thing to do is play a few missions in City Of Heroes just to get your blood flowing. 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009     The Joke's on You, LLC." They specialize in sneaky stuff like letting the air out of the sweatband of the hat where I found a secret note! The note said, " Help me! 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     When the nephews opened it, they found an enormous pile of puke the cats had upchucked! 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008     He pointed at it and exclaimed "What is a laser anyway? Will it hurt?!! Could it possibly lead to early development of cataracts? I need to know because who wants to be blind for the rest of his life?!!" 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007     It looked like an experiment by Dr. Vahzilok, or maybe the Council's attempts to try jumping over tall buildings was exceedingly successful, plus those mean old Outcasts failed to stop the arch-villain before his master plan was unveiled! 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007     And I hadn't saved my game! I was so mad! I jumped off the building right into the middle of 5 contaminated thugs who began pummeling the Playstation in frustration. 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007      Boy is it smelly! Hey I thought it was supposed to be odorless! 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007      Soon, too soon, I heard steps creeping up the stairs, and into my new tech room burst Martha Stewart! she yelled over her armful of wallpaper rolls, paint chips, and fabric squares. 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006     Like a tax hike in a Democrat controlled Congress." I didn't want to argue, so I pretended to be listening to Bill O'Reilly on the radio. Too bad I didn't know that I was in the company of a red diaper doper baby who believed in God, who was the only one who could save him now! 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006      He hoped the surgeon was handy with the needle, so when he was finished everything would look like something out of horror movie. Bubbling vials, Jacobs Ladders, and incomprehensible surgical tools everywhere added to the effect. 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006      If you don't believe us, just go look in the mirror, and you will see why all accountants insist on only being paid with gold bullion. 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006     It left a mighty bruise, though, and hurt like crazy, so I let out a yell that sounded like a pickup truck, headed straight for me! The engine roared, branches of trees could be heard snapping as it swiveled and spun with greater and greater speed making me feel terribly dizzy and causing me to start coughing and hacking like I had tuberculosis or something. 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006      So we got cream pies in the face from those angry Frenchmen. Then we retaliated with a barrage of German invective. we snarled informally. Shocked, he picked his beret out of the muddy gutter, shook it off and put it on his resume. 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006      Where are they coming from?? They must be coming from Mars! We're being invaded on Christmas!" He ran inside the house to call the electric company because the power seemed to be off. 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005     Without taking the time to think, he grabbed it and wrung its head off. Slimy green lymph splattered everywhere even onto his hairdreszor. "You are such an abuzor!" 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005     What fun it was to hobnob with all those blue bloods! The mayor was there, several state councilmen were there, we even saw George Allen, John Warner, and Harvey Morgan in the foyer, and they were having a heated discussion about which burned longer: a violin or a viola. 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005     Quickly I reached over and jerked the ripcord, and my parachute cmae hurtling out just in time! I landed hard on the bridge, got up and sat right back down because a big wad of bubble gum was stuck to the helmet of the commie soldier. 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005      What else could happen?!! Right away we started looking for a ribbon to put on the ribbon and I was good to go! 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005     "It's legal tender. See? It says right here: "This product may contain peanuts and for those persons with allergies, it may cause severe difficulty in operating a vehicle or other heavy equipment!" I considered this innovation. It would seem that fast-food production was more streamlined and technology-driven than even Dilbert could ever imagine! 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005     Boy, it stank, but the flames reached to pick up a jar of homemade apple butter! I had to squint to read the obiturary, but I managed to make out "squished by a giant pumpkin"! 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015     Here, hold my Silly-Putty(tm) while I give you another test. Sit down quickly and write your name at the top of your game. Because clothes make the man. That's why I wear dorky clothes and spike my hair with glittery gel. 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005      One never knows what will happen if you transpose the warp stream with the antimatter containment field, you will surely lose your breakfast in a hurry, unless you made sure first that you fasten your helmet securely, fasten your oxygen hose, and secure you must be, and I the all-wise one, tell you I will, that you really had better know what you're doing by now! 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005     You must have gone to school in West Virginia! Did they have electricity? Indoor plumbing? Well, they sure didn't have any computers, because who knows what germs are lurking on the keyboard left over from the last class?!! 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     Kent handed him the egg so he could demonstrate how skillfully you can peel an egg: Take the boiled egg in your hand and gently crack it against the side of your frying pan. Very carefully, Kent lifted the phone to his ear. 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005     We put them in the bathtub because it's just easier to wipe two bottoms at the same time. 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005     When they saw it, they finally understood. They were running dune buggies up there! 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005      I opened the window to breathe some fresh air, but all I could smell was bacon and coffee. 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005      It's a terrible thing to lose your train of thought in such an intense environment! You have to be able to think on your feet! Look at what's at stake, for crying out loud! People's lives are at stake! If you blow a tire and hit the fence, you know what could happen: spontaneous decapitation. 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005      Or if it's really raining, then you better run out with every bowl or bucket you have. It may be your only chance to go to the bathroom before we do our one and only daily flush. And when you go be sure you ask the customer service person there, how to install a low-flow toilet. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005     That's why I always go to the salad bar. Then I can pick out veggies that have the lowest number of meals per day. It's good to keep track of the total number of inches lost around the waist. Here, take this tape measure and see what your KNEES look like! Now that's what I call slim! 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005     When I opened the can of worms it really did turn out to be a can of rattlesnake eggs. You know the old joke. It rattles. There's a warning label. 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005      But that would cause the enemy to unleash the entirety of his airforce!! The noise of the numberless engines would shake the earth. We would look out to the horizon and see all our parachutes flying out the window! OH NO! He'd probably just freak out and start to open up the escape hatch. 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005     stuff like microwaves and the thingies that keep your phone cord from getting tangled, but "cool" stuff like tie-dyed T-shirts and also lots of beaded necklaces which he wore around his head. "Why are you wearing 3-D glasses everywhere you go?" 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005     I hear those things can really mess you up. But when I got there, the doctor said "Ma'am, I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but that's not how you're supposed to wear the hospital gown." 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     Muhahaha! They'll never figure it out! They'll see little toy mice dangling from the penthouse roof. They will just love all the neat ideas I have come up with for their entertainment. For example, on the second level there will be a round hole, facing a raging fireplace. 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005      You're getting wallpaper paste all in my hair! uh oh, I'm all out. That's OK, because we bought extra rolls just in case. Try to line up the red hexagons so they match. 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005      What a job! I would rather have a masonry bit shoved up my butt than have to use these crappy tools again! Come on, we're almost finished! Just a few more nails into the roof shingles and we will be sure to use the right tool this time. As we've found out, it's well worth the expense in order to avoid the old nests of mice and rats between the walls, we decided to install a urinal in every bathroom! 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005     As a Space Marine, you'll have a 40mm shoulder-mounted plasma thrower, 30cm vibroblade, and of course a standard simple telephone table is all that you need. It should be made out of chrome-vanadium and titanium. Your armor will display the insignia of your Marine squad, right above the eyebrow, and right below the lower lip there was a kid who wanted to touch my eyeball. 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005      Quickly, there is no time to waste! In a few seconds I will be unconscious from the lack of cabin pressure! I have to act quickly. I open the supply cabinet and what do I find? 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005      He even missed a couple spots! I asked for extra cheese, Cause let me tell you, I'm not in it for the pepperoni, man! 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005     Take them out and smile with satisfaction at that golden-brown glazed finish! Next, add 12 ounces of diced beef. For this I prefer to use a non-stick pan, as opposed to a stick pan. I'll hold these two examples up so you can see the difference. (Crowd goes "Ooooh!) Also, I prefer to use a plastic spatula, as opposed to eating what you fix right in front of the audience. 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005     I looked around before answering, noticing some men standing outside the window. Frightfully stern in their trenchcoats and black sunglasses, they appeared to be staring at those bits of broccoli stuck in his teeth....How gross! But how can you tell someone that? How can you tell someone that their grace under pressure is so inspiring to you, it makes you want to be a better person? 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005      The biggest I've ever seen. In fact, so big, that it wouldn't even fit in the grinder. "Where'd you get that bean?" I exclaimed. She replied, "I really wanted one of those cookies I got last time. You know, the ones with the pierced noses and tattooed necks. 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005     Ha! Ha! Ha!" He laughed and exclaimed, "I'm turning this sucker into a waterside museum! Ha! Ha! Ha!" I could have told you he was crazy, and everyone would have agreed with me, but still, no one could believe what he did next: he set the throttle to flank speed, and ran the ship aground, right in the middle of the beach! 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005     I pushed the lever and water erupted from the white platform. That's when I realized: it was a giant bidet! But to use a bidet this large, someone would have to have a butt the size of a pouf chair which happened to be covered with at least an inch of freeze-dried shrimp had rained down onto the roadway. 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005      It cannot be possible! Why, you would have to walk at least 100 FEET if you park this far away! 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005      The rockets landed with a great sound like a car crash! But it was the dishes, falling on the kitchen floor because the kids were up on the counter trying to get their own breakfast! 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005      I'm an agent. A secret agent. A spy, to be precise. My headquarters is Spy Base Alpha, and from here we have access to all communications satellites, private and government-owned foreign and domestic. 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005      We loaded up on sunscreen and popsicles, and took off! Beach, HERE WE COME! We were almost there when great hailstones began falling from the sky. Why they were huge! They were as big as beanbag chairs! The kids were having a lot of fun batting them back and forth, but finally I had to call out to them, "Hey! 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005     It was as if I had no limit on my credit cards! I just kept buying and buying! There was so much to choose from, she let her stomach do the talking so she picked the one with chocolate sprinkles. 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005     Taking a deep breath, Jacqueline stepped over to the male model and adjusted his collar. 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005     Chicken and prunes! Yuk! I would rather have a deadly attack robot! It would have to be at least 8 feet tall and 4 feet wide. 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005      Then I took it and gingerly brushed away the centuries of dust to discover that there in my own hand I held the actual genuine ignition key that went to the landscaper's riding lawnmower. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005      The driver groaned, "That's gotta hurt!" And then I wallpapered the bathroom with all my receipts from Lowe's... I had enough to make two layers. Unfortunately as I quickly rounded the corner, I ran right into the forklift! The driver groaned, "That's gotta hurt!" 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005      It's O.K. Just throw out all your mirrors, and get those Amusement Park ones that make you look fatter than you really are. 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005      I had already drawn the plans which would include 2, maybe 3 banks of cannons to blow away looters, marauders, and other human filth that would start roaming the streets if Kerry was elected president. That's why I needed an expert carpenter. Once you start getting creative you can envision new shapes for rooms. 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005      Countering the attack with another new move, the hovering spinning high kick, he propelled his opponent across the room flew a whirling bat ninja right at me. 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005      You need live music, kiddie rides, free food, and most of all you need A BRAIN ! 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005     Ahh, the smell of freedom! It smelled like grass, and trees, and dew. I stepped out but he could hear the millions of soldier-ant feet marching, on the move to their next conquest was to round up all the squirrels and ship them to Alaska. 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005      My friends and I decided to have a carwash this weekend, in order to raise money for the prom! The theme this year was Election Year Falderall! We brought out the banners of red, white, and blue. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005      And who has time to do that? He cleaned his sink when the water would not go down any more. 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004      All I need to know is are there any dead rats in here?! I sure don't want to be the one to find them! 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004      Being careful of the broken glass, I hurried to the comic book store to see if I made the cover of the new HULK SMASH! Just then, Doc Samson smashed the ice sculpture into tiny shards, throwing everyone off guard, and one after another they slipped and fell onto the wet sidewalk. 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004      "Who's that?" I asked. "Who, her? She's the Director of Faith-Based Initiatives at D.C.!" she said sweetly. "This PTA is disbanded. All your children will be going to Christian charter schools from now on!" The parents cheered while the teachers groaned. 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004      When I peeped through the fence at it, it looked like a NINJA! she said, " I did too pay for my last Ferris wheel ride. 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004     WHo had it last?" We all started to eat our noontime sandwiches. They came from Joe's Beanery. Always tasted good and made us feel like a million bucks. "I need to get some of that!" Bob exclaimed. 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004      I'd heard about people who were vegetarians, and the various flavors thereof, and was interested to find out more so whenever I became acquainted with one, I would ask for a cheeseburger, hold the meat! Then they would look at me as if they should treat me with pity and gentleness, like one of the dumb animals they're trying to save. 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     When the alarm sounded, the inspector pulled aside a tall glass of iced tea! plate of tamales, burritos, and enchiladas! 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004      Then, the dancers to the sides move toward the center, and the dancers in the center move you must do a somersault, ending in a backflip, and still have enough energy left to do four running leaps diagonally across the dance floor. That takes stamina, strength, and a classy outfit that fits like a second skin and doesn't clash with your natural colors. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004      I shook in my boots, I sweated pools of gravy. "Boy, this is sure going to blow my diet!" she said, " Get your armor on and sharpen your sword and let's go do some fighting, and then let's go do some laundry, because I'm sure you'll all agree we're starting to smell. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004     The merchant told me this was the last day he would be open. Before I could say another word, the air shimmered around us and a transdimensional vortex appeared in mid-air, sucking the entire bazaar into oblivion before my very eyes! 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004      I hear they pay for their orders with bags of gold dust! Who knows? We might even end up with hemmorhoids so bad we won't even be able to sit down. 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004     "Actually, no, I've never seen such a gruesome murder. I could barely keep my lunch down. Fortunately I had 2 sets of handcuffs because I was sure going to need them! Now the keys to the handcuffs...where did I put them? 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004      Everything was working great until the cotton balls started to fall apart and blow away! "I told you you should have repaired that hen house!" "It wouldn't've mattered! It just got hit by a tornado!" "If it was sturdier maybe it could've handled it better!" Clearly the stress of the situation was getting to everyone, but the bickering stopped when we heard a loud explosion coming from the outhouse. 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004     I could have laid down in it and still had room left over. This did not bode well. 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004     That's the price you pay for neglecting it or using cheap stuff for fertilizer! fertilizer. You can use it for digging up earthworms. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004     Kicking up dust, hollering at women, and playing music too loud. That's par for the course when you're in a motorcycle gang. Bonnie put on her leather jacket and her leather gloves; also her leather helmut, but around her neck she carefully wound a psychedelic silk parachute, which she used to land at Daytona Beach in the middle of about 100 bikers, with great fanfare. 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004      She called. "I've been looking all over for you!" She was distressed to see its hoof stuck between two rocks, but at the same time knew its mooing/braying for help was the only was she was able to find it so fast. 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004     "How dare you expose yourself like that in front of her!" I screamed. "Why, I oughta punch your red diaper doper baby lights out! You flamin' liberal French sissy. Go back into your cave and drink your cafe au lait. Next time I see you I will give you $20, but only if you can seat us in a better part of the restaurant. 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004      The clock said "TIME TO GO SHOPPING!" Let's go find an ice cream freezer in this place, and look in it to see if we can find some quarters so we can play a few final video games before we have to go." The clock said "TIME TO GO SHOPPING!" 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004      It's like a stink bomb dropping in a room. One can only hope that one is alone if this happens. If others are present, your only hope is to fart again, only this time fart harder, and hopefully it'll be toxic enough to kill any witnesses. 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004      "Awright you maggots! My name's Sergeant Furlman and I'm here to tan your namby-pamby hides until you're whipped into shape. Maybe then you can a member of this man's army." 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004      So happy that they cheered, in chorus, "GROUP HUG!" And enthusiastically reached all around each other, jumping up and down and laughing. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004      They never got a chance to air out just like old movie houses emptying out one sweaty audience only to open their doors to another hallway, to allow the breeze to blow through. No air conditioning in these old buildings. The muggy air of late summer was so exhausting that everyone felt just hot, damp, and tired. 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004      And if you let him sweep, then he'll want to shake the rugs outside. And if he goes outside, and doesn't take an umbrella he will probably be drowned in the torrential downpour. 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004     That explained the pleasant, Southern-style, down home-cooking smell! he said, "I gotta get tickets for my next vacation. 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004      And that's ALL I NEED! And this chair. And that's ALL I NEED. And this dead battery. And this rock. And this lawn chair. And that's ALL I NEED!" People began to stare at him because he had a pale green luminescence about him. 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004     While I was in there, I grabbed a plunger in one hand and a toilet brush in the other and ran out screaming! "Just kidding!" I yelled. "It's just a joke!" But it didn't matter. Everyone brought their posters for the big Super Readout Day. 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004     said the old man in the back. "Take a nap every afternoon." After I take a nap, I always feel like killing somebody! That was when I knew I had to lie down quickly and start my bio-feedback session. That was the only thing that worked for me to help me feel calm again, and it helped me also to feel sympathy for homeless people. 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004      Chopping lettuce. I don't know why, exactly. Probably having to do with the crispiness. There's just something not quite right about these buns. Too many sesame seeds I think. Hey they look more like poppy seeds! 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004      A month later, when we got a craving for them again, all we had to do was pull some extra we'd saved out of the freezer! Boy, were they needing some more M&M's on top. And melted marshmallows. 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004     He spent the rest of his days travelling from town to town, teaching any who would listen, when he wasn't busy flipping out. The power that enables the ULTIMATE NINJA to unleash hundreds if not thousands of punches and kicks upon any who opposed him. He spent the rest of his days travelling from town to town, teaching any who would listen, when he wasn't busy flipping out. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004     Those were the only kind of wallets Greg carried around nowadays--genuine leather and filled to overflowing with Jacksons, Grants, and Franklins. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004      You might just head out into space! However one of the travelers did not believe him and did it anyway, and propelled himself into a black hole! The ship contorted in bizarre, unthinkable ways as the universe collapsed around them. Moments later, all hell broke loose when they drifted into ans asteroid belt. Being slammed from all sides, they quickly tried to vent the waste container into space, before it exploded and spewed human refuse all over the cabin. 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004     Count Muenster declared, "We have thee to thank for these delightful victuals." "Yes!" The Earl replied with a bow, "And I named the cheese after thee, milord." Then the Count called all the servants together to tell them the bad news: They would no longer get free sandwiches until the draconian taxes levied by the Duke of Hazzarde were removed. 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004     "I want my toys back now!" Lord Elsington exclaimed. But Barrister denied that his client had done any real wrong. 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004      On some he saw expectation, on others he saw apprehension. But on one particular face he saw himself! The similarity was remarkable! The eyes, the nose, even the way he parted his hair. He waved at him, and yelled, "Where did you graduate from? Podunk U.?!! Your degree must have been written with invisible ink!" He started to sit down, but then yelled again, " 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004     He spent most of the time talking about himself. As a result, they gave permission to build on the site of the historic battlefield never realizing that an apocolyptic tidal wave was only a few miles away and coming fast. 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     When he opened the cabinet, Lo, and behold, he found his missing bottle of pills. Oh, how he had suffered without them! Now, long gone would be the pain. How he remembered when he had broken his wrist playing badmitton with an orc. Apparently the orc thought it would be pretty darn funny to replace the shuttlecock with a BRAND NEW CAR!