Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022      Let's go ride it! We can see the whole countryside and we can see all the people in the truck stop, staring at the calendar, realizing it's only a few days before Summer! Will we run out of time to catch the sunset. Phooey! Yes, phooey! Now I have to wait 23 1/2 hours to get to see the moonflower bloom! 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021     All this stuff had to be bagged and filed as evidence. We had a big job ahead of us: figuring out how to get in a vehicle fast enough to outrun the sun as it moved from east to west. Turns out it has to be going 1,000 miles an hour, so obviously a car was out. 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021     Here comes Santa Claus!!" Much to my surprise, he was driving a golf cart outfitted with giant boom boxes. Everyone slapped their hands over their ears, and when he got close to them, they froze in shock, speechless with awe. 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020     Finally! My butt was sore from sitting around in the terminal for hours and hours. uh oh, what's that noise? It sounds like burping...could it be from that big Christmas dinner?? 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020      That's why Master Windu got disarmed. Dang Sith. Dang them straight to heck. But anyway, that's okay because we'll fry it later. So, as for sides, we wanted Greg's famous Sweet Potato Casserole, Bonnie's famous Homemade Stuffing, and most of all, Xander's famous bread! 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019     It is difficult to imagine that a gathering of seated elderly ladies could be intimidating, but their deadly stares and seasoned hands put my blood on ice. 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019     It had been in my pocket for a few days at this point, so was pretty smashed and fairly dirty. But chocolate is chocolate, and I had earned it. As I licked my fingers clean, I wondered did I still need to wash them before I played Clash of Clans on my phone? 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     Fortunately, Shawn had an idea: Let's put a Slip 'n' Slide in the back yard and have fun, fun, fun! After we install in and hook up the water hose to it, all we have to do then is round the Kiwis up into one place, and nuke them. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019     I just decided not to go to the store again. I put out 2 bowls and closed the ledger with an authoritative clap." Everyone knew what that meant: the information in there was the only thing standing between them and total loss of cat fur. 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019     When we asked him if he had heard the news, he said " On a day when it's rainy and stormy all day, that's the best kind of day to just relax in your favorite chair, read a book and take a nap. But be sure that the nap is not too long, because if it is too long it will make you fall asleep. 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019     It was truly a monumental day. Everyone was happy. Everyone was full of good food. And everyone vowed, "I won't stop until I get my revenge on you!" It was then I finally realized as I reflected on everything that had happened, that this had truly been the best Christmas ever! 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018     battery chargers... ummm... I know I'm forgetting something. Oh yeah, also while we are here, I would like to have a picnic! 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018      We stood there, looking at it, hesitating, until we decided to take a little bite. What a strange taste, like nothing we had ever had before. And the texture was very light, like gossamer. Bewildered by so many things we had never encountered before, we knew this was only the beginning of the end. 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018      Exasperated, I loaded my shotgun. No more screwing around. Sometimes, only brute force can solve a problem. Locked and loaded, I peeked out the cat door to see what all the commotion was about.... 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018      Those guys in blue uniforms always know what to do! They just waltz in and crap on the floor. I've tried to explain to them that this is my floor and I'd really appreciate if they stopped crapping on it, but it's like talking to a more experienced person. 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018     Even worse, deflated balloons were starting to droop into it, getting sticky, like ponderous, buoyant doughnuts glazing themselves. In planning for the Kidz Festival, it looks like we overestimated the resilience of grass. 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018     the whole family had to move. So be very, very careful never to leave a trail of crumbs to your bedside! Nor should you neglect to shine a flashlight into all the dark corners. A clean, clear smell of fresh mouse urine....ahhhh! Milo must be nearby! Maybe he is resting in a soft bowl of potpourri to freshen the air. 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017     So a crew of many students vigorously applied their muscle power and with great success, they snapped the toothpick in half. The table full of jocks nearby were laughing their heads off, but little did they know what was lurking behind the door of the Chemistry Lab... 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017      When Mom announced she was going to go on a vacation in San Antonio, I was delighted. I knew it was just the thing for her to clean out the garage! 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017      To keep warm, you can wrap up in layers of warm clothing. And don't forget to put on deodorant because you don't know who you might run into. You might even run into a zamboni! And you're miles from the nearest skating rink. The nearest one is right next doo' Let's walk over there, introduce ourselves to the new neighbor, and say, "Hey, hey, hey, hey. 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017      That's why I love veggie pizza! Bring on the onion, black olive (or should I say o-LOVE?), green pepper, and chopped onion, grated cheese of course, and and a whole mini jar of MUSHROOMS! 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016     First we went to Cosco and loaded up on lots of wood glue, posterboard, hammers, and nuclear material. That's everything we need for assembling a Gatling gun! And just in time, too. Any minute now the UPS man will come down the street in his brown truck and deliver multiple packages full of those plastic air-filled cushions. 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016      Do I need to attend a focus group? And if I did, who would be there? Well, obviously Buzz, Moocher, Ace, The Kid, and Big Toot will be there. 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016     Welcome to Engineering Country!Now proceed into the Student Center where you will be issued a tote bag full of water guns. 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016     I blurbled. He looked at me like I was an idiot. he said as we sped toward the marina. When we got there, a huge fog bank rolled in, and it looked really scary, so we waited until the sun went down. 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016      The beauty of the Stump Vine is in its elegant foliage and its unique bark. In fact, the bark is so smooth, yet at the same time it is also dying! That's the second stump vine to die this season. 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016     Your dearest wish come true." Oh! Well, in that case, we should string up some clothesline in the back yard. One end we could wrap around the big pine tree, and the other end we could tie to the neck of an ISIS terrorist! Hahaha! Actually, I meant the the white clothes should be separated from the red, but I forgot and washed them together! 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016      Now what do we do?!?!?!? Well, we decided to find the long underwear which would help me build a pink fence around my two cows so they don't wander away from my base! 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016      We were greatly anticipating Bonnie's annual January visit! So besides vacuuming the whole house, we also decided to rearrange the chess pieces while she's not looking. 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      I am so bored!! I might as well take a nap. It's cold & cloudy today, so I am going to find my fur gloves and my fur hat, and put them on my dresser next to my collection of Birkenstocks and in fact, they were taking up so much floor space, that I had to rearrange a few things so that it would boil and roil and steam was rising rapidly. 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016     Starting again with #1, I pledged to try again. Determined, I sat down and finally got to #10! I resolve to refrain from eating bowl after bowl of baked beans. 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015      They're so busy this time of year, one guy has to drive two trucks! but I had another secret credit card I could use. Aha! I started avidly looking for it, and found it just where I had hidden it: inside a box. 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015      Over time, the bugs, the beetles, and the worms digested the compost, and quietly turned it into rich soil. People pay good money for manure and peat, so why not compost too? 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015      Then everything continued as before, except, curiously, one boy on a skateboard crashed through the Deli's plate glass window and he landed in the bin of expired fruit. 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015      Thinking fast, I ran down the hill trying to stay ahead of the rolling pumpkin. 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015     I first heard about them when they appeared as my Wiki Word of the Day. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     I looked, up into the sky and there was shining the Blue Moon !! How peaceful and pretty. But then I spied flying across the full moon, a big hulking tomato like I had never seen! I couldn't believe my eyes! As I cautiously walked closer, a flock of birds which came closer and closer, flew over the tomatoes, came back, flew down and plucked every single tomato off the vines and then flew away !! 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     Don't be surprised if you find yourself by asking hard questions, not taking anything at face value, exposing yourself to new experiences, and at every opportunity, enjoying a big bowl of homemade potato salad. 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015      I received it in the mail and was unsure how to transfer all my information, so I asked Greg to smash my old phone with a hammer! 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     Who thought this up anyway?? It must have been Mr. Carrington, the newspaper deliveryman! He was known for being obnoxious to the nth degree. Everyone was gathering into little groups to avoid talking to him. 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015      We want to make our own peanut butter in our new electric hot tub. It's great! The only drawback is that our refrigerator is on the blink and all the food is slowly spoiling. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015     and called the cops, thinking I was about to hang a hippopotamus. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015     So, I decided to use paper liners this time, because the last time I didn't, and add any baking powder, so when I took them out of the oven, they looked like they would be delicious! 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     But an hour later I couldn't feel my feet they were throbbing so badly! So, I sat down to eat some calories before attempting the climb. Other important preparations include wearing thick socks, sturdy shoes,and drinking bottles and bottles of water. 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015     It was obvious the dog was no fan of the cats! But he was a big fan of just taking a nap! But, noooooo oooooooooo. Oooooooooo. They don't accept senior citizens, teenagers, or Discover Card. It made me want to go to San Antonio, Texas to visit Bonnie, Chad, Xander, Ethan, and their dog named all the cats in the neighborhood: "Stinky", "Spazzy", "Sissy McWeepington", "Sir Pukesalot", etc. 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015      It's hard to work through meal time! Using all that brain power was very draining. I could use a pepper-upper! Maybe there is something in the staff refrigerator I could sample.... 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     That's why we need to get a case of Champagne. When the crowd gets here, each person will be handed a bottle and with it they will proceed to decorate the room by sprinkling it everywhere: the carpet, the tables, the chairs were all covered with cat hair! 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014      You know, nobody ever changed the world by sitting on a stack of steaming hot pancakes. and drizzle them with Sriracha hot sauce! And habanero sauce! And Colleen's kick-yo-ass hot sauce! Maybe then it will be easier to accomplish.The first rule of making a good resolution is to make it specific. 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014     Next, take the scissors and curl the ribbon. Make sure every strand of ribbon is curled in a spiral and hangs down over the back of the tongue. "Uvula," I said, as I filled in the crossword puzzle. "Patina is the next clue," I pondered out loud, "9 letters, starts with a V." 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014      So we went into the crawl space and lo and behold! We found a small box, sealed to be watertight! How did that get there? It has to be Vodka! Sweet lifeblood of our glorious mother country, it falls like water from the skies and collects in pools. 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014     "I'm a high-class dude, so I require REAL POWER." I stared quizzically at Vladimir Putin, who was in turn staring intensely at a full-size horse and licking his lips. With a glorious roar, he hefted it over his shoulders and tried to go through the front door. 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     I can see how that would help, considering I had lost my contact lenses. Down on my hands and knees searching for them I found instead two strange-looking rocks. I could tell they weren't from here, they looked like they were from another planet!! I stepped cautiously toward them, and suddenly they ran up the incline as fast as they could! 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014     "CHEESE! CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!" Sheogorath bellowed, solving the mystery of his dazzling appearance. Soon afterwards, the mead hall exploded, fat orange cheese wheels spilling through the shattered wooden walls by the score. 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     Set up a giant lemonade stand right at the end of our driveway !! Not only would we sell lemonade, but we could also sell bags of ice. You know people really need those for seeing underwater. And if they get fogged up, you can clean them with spit. And you thought it was only good for dissolving corn starch packing peanuts. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014     How it had gotten in there. Poop. I wondered how it had gotten in there. How it had gotten in there I'll never know. Anyone with half a brain should know better than to listen to loud rap music while playing such an intense video game! 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     Kill it, kill it, KILL IT!!!!!" I was beginning to freak out a little because it was quite large, ugly AND smelly! There was no way to get out! I looked and looked for the EXIT sign, but all I saw was a blur. 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     I ran away cackling like a slowly creeping snail and everywhere it went it gathered oodles of poodles and strudels with noodles. 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013     In the morning. I LOVE IT! It smells like victory and then, when you least expect to find roly poly bugs in the flower pots. 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call the plumber! This is a job for a professional! Do not try to eat beans that have not been cooked long enough.. They may cause a tremendous amount of gas and you will feel quite light-headed. The remedy for that is to be totally relaxed, have warm socks on your feet, and be ready to tackle the quarterback! 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     All I can say is, I don't know what someone plans to do with all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't fall asleep. Counting sheep didn't work. Warm milk goes down like silk. But warm tea goes down like vanilla pudding: smooth and chewed just as if it came out of a brand new electric stirring mechanism. 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     No wait, that's not blood, it's diarrhea. Someone must have manually opened the seal! Now contamination will leak into the pantry and make the sacks of flour wet and the cans of soup rust. Then you will be safely high enough to escape the impending tsunami. We could see it coming it the far distance! 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     I maybe had enough to get by without doing laundry. With that load off my mind, I turned my attention to the Mack truck that was barreling down the road, straight towards me! 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     I just turned it over and dabbed on plenty of makeup before leaving the house. "You look like a street walker!" I exclaimed. "You go to Dollar General to find a knife sharpener but instead you come home with a large group of hungry friends and acquaintances! 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     Straight from the can! Deee-licious! Now I am going to mix it all up in my new blender. 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012      The wind was whipping through our hair and we began to feel the wall for the light switch. 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     Not just any shelves, but the kind that are made of old rotten athletic shoes. I had dozens of them, piled everywhere! They smelled like rotting potatoes. It was horrible. I tried to scoop them up with a long-handled metal scythe that we got from Reapers 'R' Us. 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011      Every year, I tell myself I'm going to get my Christmas shopping started early, and each year I put it off until I'm frantically shopping at the last minute. 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     It scared me so badly that I screamed, " Where's my money, you silly stupid old fool?" Since he was no Jimmy Stewart fan, the zombie jumped out of the monitor and uttered a gravelly :) voice at me, and said right into my ear, " 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     Then, we passed our box of clutter in a circle like Musical Chairs, and whoever ended up with the box, then that person had to chase the Fly Lady all over the room with a butterfly net. Unfortunately she could not bear to get rid of anything after all the decluttering, so she proceeded systematically to attack the zombies! 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009      Believe it or not , I was going to act the part of the fool! That way they would never suspect that the next place I put the hat would be like crushing prunes into stewed okra. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     Maybe one day they'll learn to stop fighting over who got to choose the ice cream flavor. 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008     Despite the title, the album doesn't have anything to do with eyes or vision, unlike another one of Michael's albums, titled "Visions of broken blood veins and serrated mucous membranes." Then the doctor stood back in amazement, and with great feeling he said, " 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007     Vahzilok, or maybe the Council's attempts to try jumping over tall buildings was exceedingly successful, plus those mean old Outcasts failed to stop the arch-villain before his master plan was unveiled! 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007     I was so mad! I jumped off the building right into the middle of 5 contaminated thugs who began pummeling the Playstation in frustration. Hey! That'd make a good name for a game: "Playstation Frustration"! 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007     But they were eating all the leaves off my periwinkles. This calls for action! So I mixed up a poison solution and poured it on the fire to put it out! That was close! My chrysanthemums were only slightly singed. 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007     she yelled over her armful of wallpaper rolls, paint chips, and fabric squares. "Your color scheme is ALL WRONG!!!!!!" 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006      So they fastened their seatbelts, turned to each other and grinned and then they gasped in shock at the number of bugs that had shuffled off this mortal coil on their teeth. 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006     I want every intern to pay attention here. Watch me make this incision, and I don't want anybody to cry when I'm gone. I've lived a long, full life and don't have any regrets. What I want is for all this bleeding to stop!" 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     Rogers of Mr. Rogers Windows! Did you know that poor-quality windows could cost you a bundle in heating bills? 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006     I needed to see a doctor about that. So I took my cell phone and quickly dialed for help. I was in desperate straits! As soon as possible, I needed to go really bad! I could the pressure building in my lower abdomen. If I waited any longer I would poop on myself! So I turned around and I rushed toward the massive oak tree in order to hide behind it. 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006      So we got cream pies in the face from those angry Frenchmen. Then we retaliated with a barrage of German invective. 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006     Just like the song goes: "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer... Take one down, and pass it around, ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer! 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005     It must have been dropped by an alphatrooper when he recovered from the blow to his head, he knew he would have to activate his quantum shields before it was too late! 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005     We could see the entire auditorium from here, as well as mink coats, diamond tiaras, and fancy tuxedos trimmed with mistletoe and holly. Oh! What fun it was to hobnob with all those blue bloods! The mayor was there, several state councilmen were there, we even saw George Allen, John Warner, and Harvey Morgan in the foyer, and they were having a heated discussion about which burned longer: a violin or a viola. 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005      The driver was chatting incessantly and I was sure she wasn't the real tour guide. She didn't seem to know much about the countryside, nor did she know much about the practice of rounding up American tourists and pressing them into slave labor. 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005     Right away we started looking for a ribbon to put on the ribbon and I was good to go! The only thing that was still bugging me was what to get for the person on my list that was the hardest to buy for: my loud and noxious neighbor. He had already asked me for a refund. 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005      He slapped a $500 dollar bill on the counter. "Those are out of circulation!" Bill exclaimed. the customer replied smugly. "It's legal tender. See? It says right here: "This product may contain peanuts and for those persons with allergies, it may cause severe difficulty in operating a vehicle or other heavy equipment!" 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005      Now, the only thing left to do is pick up all the pumpkins, and give them to eat whatever was left and that would be, of course, at least a dozen doughnuts! If there are any chocolate creme ones, those are mine. Or coconut. What a load! Now, the only thing left to do is pick up all the pumpkins, and give them to eat whatever was left and that would be, of course, at least a dozen doughnuts! 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015     And furthermore, you should sit down right now and watch all six Star Wars movies back to back. I know that will make you feel completely relaxed. So just close your eyes and whatever you do, don't think about pink elephants. 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005     We landed on the dark side of the moon and off in the distance we could hear weird music, so we decided to go to light speed! What! No light speed??? Would it help if I released the emergency brake? She smiled sweetly and pushed the button that sent them all hurtling into a black hole. 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005     she whispered quickly. he exclaimed. "You can't be serious! You never learned to touch-type?!! You must have gone to school in West Virginia! Did they have electricity? 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     "You can't be serious! I know positively that these eggs are fresh! Break this one open and you will see why you should never cook with Spam on television." (laugh track) "To start with, crack these eggs, whip them up, and blend them into your stock pot. 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005      What were you thinking to feed the twins stewed prunes?? You know eating prunes will always cause them to cooperate because they want to buy combat boots in order to have enough traction to navigate the poop-slimed floor. We went to Outdoor World and found 2 very dirty diapers behind the bookcase. 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005     When I go out to check the nests I might be surprised to find my neighbors have switched from listening to rap music to classic. The scintillating tones of Mozart, Bach, and Beethoven drifted with all their smokey offensive odor toward my patio! Not only were they noise polluters, they're even polluting my drainage ditch with their trash. 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005     We will probably end up going into a rest area to collect tourist pamphlets for the area. Of course, while we're there, we'll check out the local caves. I know it will be cool in there, and who knows? 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005      I'd better get out of bed and get going, or I'll be wearing my Dale Earnhardt jumpsuit. Nobody can match my collection of his memorabilia. Why I even have his name printed on my flame-retardant suit and on my car, I don't know. Couldn't we get another sponsor, one who won't make us wear these stupid ballcaps? 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005     Why don't you turn off the water while you brush your teeth? You don't need to flush the toilet every time you use it. Flush it only when you go number two. Or if it's really raining, then you better run out with every bowl or bucket you have. 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005      Everything else had failed...THIS was the one! and 250 lbs, could best be described as high fat, high sodium, and high sugar. Could this be a misprint?!! Just to be sure I put my glasses on and then I could see my feet! 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005     But the really big surprise was that my daughter's decorated mud pies were selling like crazy! In fact we must have already sold at least 20 of them and our cash flow was now a total of about $3.25. But who's counting, really? Sitting in the hot sun, sipping sweet tea and making fun of the junker cars that drove up was worth at least $100. 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005      Imagine seeing him again, here, after all these years! It sure is a small fire button! Let's see what happens if I push it! Whoa Nellie! That's looks like a squadron of Russian MiGs attempting to intercept my vector! 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005      Too bad some of them were warped from the heat in the attic. But I could always give them to my friend, ________ Raul. He'll know what to do. I hope we never run out of pencil sharpeners because if we do, we will have to hire a bodyguard!" 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005     I hear those things can really mess you up. But when I got there, the doctor said "Ma'am, I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but that's not how you're supposed to wear the hospital gown." Well, I didn't see what the big deal was. 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     What a mess that would be! And it would freak out the cats and cause them to fall. But I wouldn't worry too much because cats always are hungry. Like Confucious say, "Cat never full." That's why you have to have a wide base, or else a strong foundation, if you're going to make it that tall. 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005      This has to be done very carefully! If you don't do it correctly, you will have me to deal with!" With that, we all started booking the wallpaper so the glue would prep correctly. Five minutes later the glue had hardened like week-old oatmeal. And not Quaker Oatmeal, either; I'm talking about cheap, store-brand tools! 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005     Now take this toothbrush and clean the encrusted roach poop from around the doorways. What a job! I would rather have a masonry bit shoved up my butt than have to use these crappy tools again! Come on, we're almost finished! 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005      I am your free taxi service today! But if you feel you must, you can just give me a chance! I'll be the best Space Marine you've ever seen, I promise! Now please repeat your name very slowly. Because I have short-term memory loss, you may even have to punch the button repeatedly to make it work, okay?" 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005     This was my first day on the job as a new airliner pilot, and everything had to be just right. So I adjusted the seat. 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005     Bring on ogres, giants, even dragons, they won't stop me! Because I'm Mr. Moneybags, and I want more of your money; so invest in my new scheme or I will promptly sign your autograph with an elaborate flourish. 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005     And to top it all off, all the lights went out just as we started to feel panic creep in, a lone voice called out from the darkness: "Pizza's here!" 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005     I got it for 10 cents at the thrift store! Why would anyone want to eat eel? It is just gross to think about: Imagine those slimy, writhing creatures on a plate of lead-free pewter. 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005     She flipped right over the counter! One shoe came off and smacked a customer in the face! He stood up and gathered his belongings, which was difficult to do while holding the coffee cup. Somebody else came along and mopped up the spilled latte, and then put up a sign that said, " Coffee leads to throat cancer", but another sign said "Coffee can cure ennui!" 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005      I put it there myself!" I was completely flabbergasted! I had lost my third game of shuffleboard! What to do? I think I should sit out the next one and work out a new lodging arrangement. and chuckled nervously. 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005      "Quick! To the Toiletmobile!" Captain Underpants and his sidekick Angel Soft jumped in the vehicle, and roared off to the water treatment plant! Unfortunately, once they got there, they discovered that Colonel Colon had eaten ALL the Grape-Nuts! 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005      A big job, but somebody's got to do it, and it might as well be YOU! So we're focusing on diet, exercise, stress management and decluttering of house, home, and mind. 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005     It's all about finding the sources of disposable cellphones. See, in the future, so many people had been using disposable cellphones that the landfills were overflowing with them and people were dying in disposable cellphone avalanches. 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005     It is a liberating feeling: not having to carry a wallet. Remember how heavy those wallets and purses used to get? 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005      Now all I could do was sit on the cold hard concrete floor and wait for someone to bail me out of jail. 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005     I need to, umm, get some stuff." An hour later my receipt showed up in my e-mail. And with that, I got out a notepad and pencil, and started planning for NEXT Christmas! 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005      That may seem like a strange question, but would you mind if I applied just a bit more hair gel? 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005     i before e except after c... in which case jelly doughnuts will be your best bet. 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005     one student asked. "I don't know, let's taste one and see. Yummy! They are still good after all these years! Give one to the director. Here, put this one in his pocket!" I considered that, but decided it would be better to just hand it to him and let him put it in his pipe and smoke it. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005      In fact, you may find that the selection of 2x4s has way too many knots in it. In which case, you should start over. As much of a headache that is, it'll be even worse if you led mold take control. So we looked at the dehumidifiers. 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005      And that's when you'll need a tongue depresser and flashlight in order to look down your nose at people who weigh more than you do! God made all shapes and sizes and loves them all the same. Do you believe you are eating good and nutritious foods? Point out to me what you are choosing: to live a normal life, or to waste away like an orchid in Death Valley. 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005      Once you start getting creative you can envision new shapes for rooms. For instance, how about the shape of an egg? 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005      Ah, the warm feeling in my tummy! Ah, the power coming out of my legs, my arms, my fingertips. If you could see my aura, it'd be white with fire and black with death. 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005      And early in the morning, all across the country, the vote counters were ready for the squads of illegal immigrants and communists to descend upon the voting booths, there to wipe down all surfaces with antibacterial scrub. It was necessary because all the candidates were secretly communists. 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005      Our day started out great. Before most of us even had a chance to warm up and get going, one of the scouts was back with fantastic news. The rain of the night before had stranded several earthworms on the sidewalk! We got right to work cleaning our whiskers after eating all those fish heads. 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005      Then we took both ends and twisted them into mangled balls of metal. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005     Lights started flashing red, white, and blue! It was the Presidential Parade! And here came the President himself riding in a strange car, wearing a strait jacket. 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004      It's American cheese that you saved to see if it would decompose!" "Oh, yeah! That's right! It looks like plastic poop; you know that artificial dog poop that you fool people with? Never mind scoop it up and throw it into the dumpster parked on the side of the house. 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004      Rip! Russell screeched, and yelled, " IT MUST BE SOMEWHERE, BUT WHERE?!" Bricks were flying , windows shattering, the asphalt rippled and disintegrated with every impact. 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004      We didn't know quite what to do. So we blindly decided to strike chocolate-iced doughnuts from the cafeteria breakfast menu. 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004      I screamed for help! Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone. As I turned, the figure yelled, "NINJA!" Insane with panic, I grabbed the blue ribbon watermelon and threw it as hard as I could at the red-faced perpetrator. "You think you have the right to scare innocent people like that? 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004      Why one of them was playing the saxophone, and the tune was " Thus Spoke Zoroaster", from "2001: A Space Odyssey". 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004      I'd heard about people who were vegetarians, and the various flavors thereof, and was interested to find out more so whenever I became acquainted with one, I would ask for a cheeseburger, hold the meat! 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     Meat, eggs, cheese, even chopped veggies mixed with ranch dressing, peanut butter, honey, butter, and more peanut butter. What could beat that?!! Now to wash our hands. Let's use this Spanish-English dictionary to figure out what the heck they're saying! I have no idea how to get to the Transportation Museum. 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004      I decided to take a dance class for fun and exercise. First I purchased my required leotard, tights, and the only other necessary item: a pretty pink tutu! 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004     I noticed a stream of urine running down the side of the cavern wall. the Minotaur King was relieving himself right above us!" I whispered back, "Now's our chance!" We carefully snuck around until we were right behind him, and with one swift movement, I lunged with my scimitar. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004     I tried to be polite but firm. No one in his right mind would ever think of charging $100 for an old rug! 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004     We laughed and laughed; Men wearing hula skirts! It was so funny. When they tried to dance, they ended up in the Taj Mahal, surrounded by furious Muslim imams! 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004      But first give me that first phone call, because I am going to call my partner. I have a joke to tell him. Did you hear the one about the two atoms walking along? Yeah, One says to the other, "I think I lost an electron!" The second one says, "Are you sure?" And the first one says, "I'm positive!" 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004      Dad only made us work half-days. It didn't matter to him which twelve hours it was. Next we had to kill the hogs to make bacon and sausage. Granddaddy would put his fingers in his ears because he did not want to hear the gunshot. 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004      We all hit the dirt as a huge dinosaur tail whooshed over us. We quickly crawled to the police station and cried for help. It was deserted, but we found some newly laid dinosaur eggs. They were huge. Ethan wanted to make scrambled eggs with them, but Xander yelled "NO! 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004     More poisonous than a brown recluse, in fact! They're so poisonous, that instead of killing a person when the person eats it, this carnivorous plant, averaging 50 feet high, EATS PEOPLE! 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004      You know, just like Dorothy said, "There's no place like home." That's when I know it's time to turn around and head for home. You know, just like Dorothy said, "There's no place like home." And every time I get to the bottom, I have this feeling of diarrhea running down my pants leg... 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004     She worked quickly to mix up the scones for the Scottish bakerycafe. The dining room was filling up fast, and when she looked in the refrigerator she was dismayed to find they had run out of air tanks. "Oh, I guess we can't go diving for oysters after all! 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004     Paris was never known for good manners. All the Parisians are very aloof, treating anyone with a different accent as scum. 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004     exclaimed Bonnie. "But you don't have enough money to pay for that Spiderman suit and mask. Look in your other pockets and see if you can find any more Barbie dolls for Haley so she can play dolls with her sister and also with her cousin, Ethan." 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004      You are a sissy! You are a sissy!" When they heard us say that, they immediately began farting in unison. 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004      Why one day in the mess hall, we had a terrible food fight when everyone was throwing fits about the insufficient supplies. "How do they expect us to eat this mess?! 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004     I went up to get a soda refill, but this guy was something else! I'd never seen anyone look so angry! We were all so scared we could do nothing but stand in shocked silence, hoping he would calm down. 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004      "All these books must be at least a hundred years old!" I whispered. a voice rasped. 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004     Martin! Do you have any CHEESE?!! We want CHEESE!! We ain't had nothin' to eat for three stinkin' days but this moldy bread. 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004      There's nothing like freshening up after a long wait in the line for the "Vomitous Maximus Tilt-O-Whirl", we finally got to ride it! 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004     And this lawn chair. And that's ALL I NEED!" People began to stare at him because he had a pale green luminescence about him. He looked down at his hands. Green! What had happened?! He began to feel sick and dizzy; his stomach started to rumble and growl, but then I realized it was just my stomach. 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004     The professor was from the country of Mexico, from the country of India, from the country of China. "Why does everything have to be ethnic? What about plain American?" She wondered, grouchily, "Why not have a pizza party in the middle of the library? 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004     Bonnie immediately began stuffing more explosives into the fireplace and said "I feel less stressed already! Your technique is agitating me. Stop making faces at me. Stop squirting a water gun in my face. YOu're an idiot. Let me out of here! I want to go get a massage now. 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004     It was stored in the ice cabinet marked "meat", right next to the fry basket in hot oil! "You'd better be careful or that might fall in in big vat of boiling hot french fry grease. It was popping out, splattering the wall and dripping down the side of his face and landing on the countertop with a "splat". 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004     Boy, were they needing some more M&M's on top. And melted marshmallows. And chocolate sprinkles on top of that. 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004     But what's that sound? It was his arch-enemy approaching! Oh No! Now what? His weapons were locked in the cabinet and he had lost the key! Too bad. Well he would just have to use his fisticuff expertise. He stood his ground and watched the arch enemy spin and shrivel, whirling ever faster, ever smaller, energy bursts zinging out into the air until all the life force and all the mass had moved to the back of his neck. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004     Batman. Batman! Will somebody please tell me what kind of world we're living in when a man cannot turn a dollar into a million, or turn a Euro into a big fat wallet. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004     In fact... exclaimed Sam with barely contained glee. Unfortunately, he was wearing his kyptonite underwear that day, and they all parachuted out into a black hole of oblivion. Because of the low gravity, the buildings were very tall, so tall, in fact, that they were able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004      Their living quarters were made out of popscicle sticks, painstakingly glued together, then painted with multicolor butterflies swarmed through his brain. he exclaimed. "I have a demon in my castle tower. I think I will unleash him upon my evil enemy, the Earl of Sandwich!" 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004      But Miss Na Tasha shoved in and grabbed the magnifying glass, knocking it against the side of the minivan, leaving a big dent. the driver exclaimed as he leaped out. 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004      On some he saw expectation, on others he saw apprehension. But on one particular face he saw himself! The similarity was remarkable! The eyes, the nose, even the way he parted his hair. 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004      Rubbing her sore shoulder, she asked the nearest patron "What does a girl have to do to get some service around here?!" Her manner frightened the man somewhat, so he stammered Woo Baby, I just wet my pants! Guess I will have to stop laughing so hard at your funny eulogy. 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     When he opened the cabinet, Lo, and behold, he found his missing bottle of pills.