Welcome! (Login / Request an account) There are 170 stories in the system. Standard teasers! Randomize teasers! Please select a story to view: Story ID Title Creator Status Num Entries Date Finished 174   Springtime in Virginia betty Done 22 12/27/2022     then I'll reply, "You are the biggest dummy I have ever seen!! You are the biggest dummy I have ever seen! Can you not see that bird's nest? In that tree, right up there! You can see it, right next to the big ferris wheel. Whee! Let's go ride it! We can see the whole countryside and we can see all the people in the truck stop, staring at the calendar, realizing it's only a few days before Summer! 173   Daylight Saving Time ! betty Done 23 4/21/2021      It is so cozy and wraps you in fuzzy warmth and makes you feel as if you might not have washed these pants as well as you should have. 172   A Winter Day in the Wilderness bonnie Done 22 2/15/2021     Here comes Santa Claus!!" Much to my surprise, he was driving a golf cart outfitted with giant boom boxes. 171   Oh, the weather outside is frightful... betty Done 22 12/31/2020     The pilot banked to avoid it but it seemed to swoop toward us, and in moments were were engulfed in the savory smells of Christmas dinner cooking! Happy and relieved, we smiled and stepped through the revolving door only to be snagged into a continual rotation! 170   The McAvoys' Big Turkey Dinner! betty Done 23 1/13/2020      Plus I have a bandaged hand because I cut myself with a rusty barbecue smoker borrowed from a neighbor. It would take at least 16 hours to lambaste the turkey.... I mean brine roast the turkey...too LONG !! We would have to go the tried and true route which was to pack it full of apples and hope for the best. 169   A Breath of Fresh Air bonnie Done 22 11/15/2019     Appearing in the midst of the carnage was Metallica, inside the mouth of a giant robot dinosaur. They immediately began playing their trademark heavy metal rock music. But it was all Mannheim Steamroller covers, so we didn't mind. Suddenly, the entire stage collapsed, exploded, and burst into flames, killing everyone instantly! 168   Toiling at 3 a.m. betty Done 22 10/13/2019     Now we are rocking, baby! I was so delighted that I pulled out my Mars bar which I save for special occasions. 167   The Reckoning of the Kiwis xander Done 22 7/28/2019     I jumped to my feet and cried out because I hit my head on an overhanging tree branch! As I held my hand to the hurty spot, all I could manage to say was I am ready for a real hamburger with all the fixings. 166   Somebody's Gotta Do It ! betty Done 22 7/8/2019     Now, the weaponized and evolved robovacs had become an army, one which had a single purpose: to clean up the filth that is humanity. 165   I love Thunderstorms ! betty Done 21 6/10/2019     Licking his fingers, he discovered a bleeding hangnail! Ooops! He had visions of staph infection permeating his body. 164   Wrapping those Christmas Presents ! betty Done 23 1/9/2019      With each note I could include a handmade gift tag to indicate who it's from-and-to, but instead I'd really rather use this stick of dynamite! 163   Let's Set Fire to the Woods xander Done 21 12/7/2018      Swollen from recent rains, it would be a good protection from big brown grizzly bears who roam around always looking for tasty wheat! It's got vitamins, minerals, and amino acids. Everything your body needs. But it looks and tastes like snot so wash it down with very dry sticks and pine straw. 162   Some Kind of Adventure xander Done 23 9/10/2018     We tried and tried to pull them out, but we had woven that basket so tightly, they were firmly stuck. The only solution we could think of was to cut the rope to the anchor so we could drift away from the whirlpool...hopefully. We rowed with all our might and soon we reached the boundary between the dimensions. 161   That Garage ! betty Done 22 8/9/2018      It makes the most sense, considering how much mildew and mold had accumulated. But how to get rid of it? !! I think the best remedy would be to spray a powerful broad spectrum commercial mold remover and disinfectant. That should remove all concern about anybody going through my trash. 160   I need a Summer Job ! What should it be ? betty Done 24 8/3/2018     Maybe into shapes, like for instance the shape of a PAYCHECK!!!! hedge after hedge after hedge... Maybe into shapes, like for instance the shape of a PAYCHECK!!!! You know that would be the ultimate experience! 159   A large, healthy tuft of stump grass bonnie Done 22 7/18/2018      It was transcendent. Mesmerized, we ate popcorn and drank beer while the spectacle continued. Eventually we ran out of mushroom booze. Granted, the stuff makes you hallucinate, but it tastes like liquid gold. 158   Cleaning up after Milo the Mouse betty Done 21 7/11/2018     The Shadow knows. He also knows where all the best cookie crumbs are! the whole family had to move. So be very, very careful never to leave a trail of crumbs to your bedside! Nor should you neglect to shine a flashlight into all the dark corners. A clean, clear smell of fresh mouse urine....ahhhh! 157   Taking a Walking Tour of the UTSA Campus betty Done 22 7/6/2017     Well, like they say, when life hands you lemons, discard the lemons; make bacon. 156   San Antonio Vacation greg Done 22 5/27/2017     "Might as well try to make some money out of this mess," I mumbled as I walked back to my motorcycle. So instead I placed a couple business cards. "Might as well try to make some money out of this mess," I mumbled as I walked back to my motorcycle. 155   Will That Snow Ever Melt? ! betty Done 21 2/5/2017     Ain't that something! We could use the snowblower we borrowed from Danny. I am sure he won't mind if we use it to insulate the garden from the cold. 154   Different Pizza Toppings greg Done 21 1/11/2017      Why don't you decide what you are going to do with them? For starters, you could have salad, breadsticks, or everyone's favorite--stuffed mushrooms! Appetizers get people in the mood of a party! Other good ideas include Burger King, Wendy's, and Hardee's, if you get tired of having pizza all the time. 153   But I don't want to! bonnie Done 20 11/13/2016      They all leaned way back in their easy chairs and took a nap! No one could argue with that. They all leaned way back in their easy chairs and took a nap! 152   We Need More Enthusiasm ! betty Done 22 10/16/2016      Do I need to attend a focus group? And if I did, who would be there? Well, obviously Buzz, Moocher, Ace, The Kid, and Big Toot will be there. Other than that, who would be there? 151   Xander's New Dorm Room bonnie Done 21 9/9/2016      Move-in day! We all got to see Xander's room for the very first time! It's on the second floor, overlooking the placid lake, so blue and relaxing, and what is that swimming over the surface? 150   Trying to Keep Cool ! betty Done 22 8/20/2016      We collected the balls of ice and used them to rub the backs of the necks of the people who had passed out from the heat. As each one of them came back to consciousness, They said, " Excuse me, could we please get ten pounds of Reese's Peanut Butter Cup!" 149   The Stump Vine bonnie Done 21 4/26/2016     Besides the regular beef and pepperoni topping, I also had too many solar lights in the yard. A neighbor said I was using up too much sunshine. Irritated, I told her to quit telling me that the Stump Vine exists. 148   Laundry colleen Done 20 4/2/2016      There will be no danger of wearing dirty clothes again! Everything is washed, dried, and hung on hangers!Woohoo ! The 5 colors I picked were black, navy blue, charcoal gray, gray, and maroon. There will be no danger of wearing dirty clothes again! Everything is washed, dried, and hung on hangers!Woohoo ! 147   It's snowing!!! colleen Done 29 2/22/2016      He's a gigantic snowman reclining in a lawn chair. Is that cool or not? Glo-Quips sent a photographer and when he came by, he shoveled the sidewalk in front of their french doors, even though everybody knows they never salt the roads anymore because the salt rusts out the undercarriage of the metal railing. 145   Bonnie is Coming for a Visit !! betty Done 21 2/5/2016     And there to welcome it into eternal damnation was none other than Xander and Ethan who decided to come for a visit too!!! So we packed the extra stuff into a priority box and sent it to Hell in a handbasket! And there to welcome it into eternal damnation was none other than Xander and Ethan who decided to come for a visit too!!! 144   Heeeelllllloooooo there!!! colleen Done 20 1/10/2016      I've been ever so busy lately that I nearly stumbled. Rearranging the packages I was carrying, put them all off balance and I dropped all of them right into a pool of exceeding clarity. 143   Resolutions for the New Year ! betty Done 22 1/9/2016      I was ready to start my new life! Confronted with a mob of irritated neighbors, I ran back into the house and packed! 142   Ordering Online Christmas Presents ! betty Done 21 12/14/2015      Sweating, I said "Give me that package!" But the UPS driver kept holding it out his window, pulling forward 20 feet at a time, laughing. Man, I will hate to go to court and stand before the magistrate and hope you don't get thrown in jail until you paid every penny because you were cruel to your debtors and the king found about it. 141   Dual Composters greg Done 21 12/13/2015      Last time, I situated my composter on a hill. I bet you can figure how that turned out. That's right. It turned over layer by layer as I rotated the barrel. 140   Deli Bologna greg Done 22 11/28/2015     They must have come from the bottom of the fridge, behind puddles of spilled condiments and half-rotted vegetables. The odor of it all made me swell with joy. Smiling, eyes closed, I took a little taste....yum...How delightful. 139   Getting Ready for Fall ! betty Done 21 10/29/2015      You should first lubricate the tines with a little dribble of maple syrup. The next aroma you smell will be burning leaves of course from Stephens back yard. 138   Slatherage greg Done 21 9/16/2015     sound of Newsboys that made them so distinct, now that DC Talk alumnus Michael Tait has replaced Peter Furler, unfortunately has largely aged well. 137   Growing Those Tomatoes ! betty Done 21 8/1/2015     I looked, up into the sky and there was shining the Blue Moon !! How peaceful and pretty. But then I spied flying across the full moon, a big hulking tomato like I had never seen! 136   Midnight snack colleen Done 21 6/11/2015     Freshly cooked potatoes, chopped onions, pickle relish, and I stirred it all up with 3 big dollops of sour cream. Add to that some bacon bits, green onions, and some shredded cheese, now you've got the perfect Greg Pizza. Toss it in the oven and voila, we are ready for a big bite of a Dagwood sandwich! 135   That New Smart Phone betty Done 22 6/10/2015     So I started taking classes on business at the local community college. I also took my time thinking up a good password. too smart for me" !! I just gave up and started playing Soda Crush. A relaxing game that makes me feel insecure. The only thing that could settle my nerves now would be if I could take some time to remove all the apps I don't like. 134   NOT A REAL STORY! IGNORE THIS greg Done 24 6/3/2015     Well I will show you! I will give you a big fat wallet full of money if you will go over there and smack that bully. We are all getting tired of this continual harassment. 133   Why me!?!! colleen Done 23 6/3/2015      The only drawback is that our refrigerator is on the blink and all the food is slowly spoiling. I wonder if Danny Speight would let us borrow his passes to attend a free movie at Regal Cinemas at Kiln Creek. 132   Backyard Projects betty Done 22 5/28/2015      Obviously that will help improve the borders of the property by planting every 18 inches a small new sprout. 131   Cupcakes! colleen Done 22 5/26/2015      Be creative! You can use sprinkles, candy, curls of chocolate...even tiny toys or other unusual options such as little Hulk faces made of butter and green-colored strips of bacon, ground-up meatballs, and garnished with chicken wings. 129   Climbing Enchanted Rock betty Done 21 5/2/2015     You have to be careful if you encounter one because You can't tell if it is going to bite you or try to hump you! Red clothes will set it off so, be sure to take the time to look around and enjoy the scenery. 128   I Need to Take a Trip ! betty Done 22 4/16/2015     Confident I'd be OK, I took a big bite and froze. Never in my life had I ever tasted anything so disgusting and horrible. It must have been past its expiration date! I just had to spit it out onto the lawn. There, in the sun, I could see a big hydrogen firestorm. 127   Bonnie's New Tutoring Job bonnie Done 27 4/16/2015     Sure enough...I opened the door and found a cup of Whoop-Ass! I immediately picked it up and threw it at him! He then carried the stack of folders over to the table and spread out the construction paper, blunt scissors, glitter, and glue. Then with them the children proceeded to make cookies to sell to raise enough money for Bonnie's bail bond. 126   Getting Ready for New Year's Eve betty Done 22 2/18/2015     We can't have a big mess all over the place when our company arrives!" We are expecting at least 10,000 pounds of bacon being consumed at the synagogue open house. That's why we need to get a case of Champagne. When the crowd gets here, each person will be handed a bottle and with it they will proceed to decorate the room by sprinkling it everywhere: the carpet, the tables, the chairs were all covered with cat hair! 125   New Year's Resolutions bonnie Done 22 12/24/2014     Fields said that!" I exclaimed. "OK, now it's your best hope for improving your life. So what do you want? Do you want to take a trip to some exotic tropical island. Hmmm I think this destination would be a good choice: the unemployment line! My job sucks! I could scarcely do worse!" 124   Get Those Presents Wrapped ! betty Done 22 12/24/2014     Just to be sure, shake it to be sure it's tight enough. You can be confident it is if you leave the presents on your friend's front porch who lives in the ghetto that they will be picked up by a bunch of charity workers. Forthwith, they will be taken to the Salvation Army depot. From there they will be handed out to homeless people. 123   We Need a Plumber ! betty Done 22 12/12/2014     sign because the fuzzy dize were blocking my view, and unfortunately the odor was overpowering. 122   Christmas Decorations bonnie Done 22 12/12/2014      Let's get going! First I will check them by plugging them into the nearest electrical outlet. It's a trick to get the lights lined up just right, but when you do, the results are two thumbs with far too many blisters, and a back with far too acute an angle. 121   I Just Could Not Stop Playing That Video Game !! betty Done 21 11/28/2014     Indeed, upon further observation, my screen was all smeared so I read up on the internet how to clean it, and it said to spray it with glow-in-the-dark paint. 120   The Great Beyond xander Done 21 9/21/2014      T. I pity the fool! Quit your jibba-jabba! I ain't flying in no plane, you crazy alien from Mars! 119   Summer bonnie Done 20 9/21/2014     Not only would we sell lemonade, but we could also sell bags of ice. You know people really need those for seeing underwater. And if they get fogged up, you can clean them with spit. And you thought it was only good for dissolving corn starch packing peanuts. 118   Best Video Game of the Year ! betty Done 22 8/15/2014     But what an awesome game. What a bad game ending!!! But what an awesome game. What the hell?!?!?! What a bad game ending!!! But what an awesome game. And with that, the screen went blank!! What the hell?!?!?! What a bad game ending!!! But what an awesome game. Then she thought to herself: "I sure do hope there aren't eggs in that cave over there." 117   The best movie EVER!!! colleen Done 21 7/18/2014     So bad, that I wanted to dump my popcorn on the floor, but instead I decided to run as fast as I could!! I ran so far I got lost. 116   What I Saw When I Took A Walk II greg Done 23 5/28/2014     Fortunately, I landed on my feet on a big pile of money. I said "Gimme that money!" But he said, You are under arrest! Face down on the ground! Put your hands behind your back stalked a ninja! 115   You know... bonnie Done 23 11/10/2013     They must have gone through 15 boxes of Saltine crackers! After that, all they could think about was getting to Pop's before it closed, so they could each buy a ticket to ride in the new roller coaster, "Maximus Vomitorium", designed by a team of students. 114   Whatever is on your mind ! betty Done 24 10/27/2013     Stunned, I whirled around and to hear Penelope throwing up! My game was interrupted! I was halfway through getting an upgrade for my level 1 Floor Sweeper. To get to level 2 he has to upgrade his shoes; one way to do this is to plod along methodically, but some people work better after they have cleansed their systems with special vegetarian drinks made with pureed kale. 113   Nursery Rhyme greg Done 22 10/24/2013     All I can say is, I don't know what someone plans to do with all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't fall asleep. Counting sheep didn't work. Warm milk goes down like silk. But warm tea goes down like vanilla pudding: smooth and chewed just as if it came out of a brand new electric stirring mechanism. 112   Global Warming ! betty Done 26 8/19/2013     No wait, that's not blood, it's diarrhea. Someone must have manually opened the seal! Now contamination will leak into the pantry and make the sacks of flour wet and the cans of soup rust. 110   Planning a trip to Texas...or Virginia ! betty Done 22 4/19/2013     I maybe had enough to get by without doing laundry. With that load off my mind, I turned my attention to the Mack truck that was barreling down the road, straight towards me! Time seemed to slow down and I could count each rod in the grill that would soon become one with my face. 109   Thanksgiving bonnie Done 19 12/19/2012     Would any stores be open? I opened the phone book to look for Christmas presents. 108   I Blew Up My Lab! greg Done 21 10/26/2012     Slather it with A1 Steak Sauce! Then you will probably start to feel hungry enough to make yourself a big bowl of hot shut the hell up. 107   Christmas Shopping III betty Done 21 2/11/2012      The wind was whipping through our hair and we began to feel the wall for the light switch. We couldn't see a thing. The darkness was so complete it was like a solid thing--a suffocating blanket of oblivion that clung to our faces and enveloped us in its lifeless embrace. After 30 seconds (which seems like an eternity, given that we could still hear it breathing), we finally found our car in the parking lot after looking for 2 hours !! 106   Let's Organize Your Garage ! betty Done 22 7/25/2011     ice cream.... We want to get all this cleaned up and haul all the junk to the Gloucester Short Lane ice cream parlor, where we ate so much we could barely fit in our newly-reorganized garage. ice cream.... 105   Christmas Shopping II greg Done 21 2/24/2011     On the way out, I accidentally tipped over the trash can and out spilled a whole bunch of jelly beans, which inexplicably caused an entomological cavalcade of roaches to march onto the counter. "AAAAAHH!" the clerk exclaimed, " You are trying to pay me with counterfeit money! I am calling the cops! 103   Zombie Attack! greg Done 22 6/10/2010     Since he was no Jimmy Stewart fan, the zombie jumped out of the monitor and uttered a gravelly :) voice at me, and said right into my ear, " 102   The Art of Decluttering betty Done 21 8/4/2009     Then, we passed our box of clutter in a circle like Musical Chairs, and whoever ended up with the box, then that person had to chase the Fly Lady all over the room with a butterfly net. Unfortunately she could not bear to get rid of anything after all the decluttering, so she proceeded systematically to attack the zombies! 101   The hathood of the traveling brown hat. rhonda Done 21 3/20/2009     It was then we realized our next stop had to be a chinese restaurant. because big drops of sweat were pouring down my face. It was just so hot that I had to grab the hat and hurl it into a guy's open car window as I shot past him on the interstate. 100   The Nephews come to Visit greg Done 22 12/9/2008     Cheese and eat lots of crap pizza and drink cheap beer. After enough beer, even the crap pizza tasted like a chili cheese dog. A tall glass of lemonade would taste good after eating that Pop Burger, he was still hungry, so he ordered another one! While he was waiting, the UPS man came bringing a big package. 99   Laser Eye Surgery greg Done 20 10/3/2008      Pay me or else! I need to make my mortgage payment on my house on Wall Street!" Listen you! Pay me or else! I need to make my mortgage payment on my house on Wall Street!" I told him, " 98   Abiathar the Superhero! greg Done 21 4/27/2007      Moments later, they came upon a wide, glistening puddle of goo. It looked like an experiment by Dr. Vahzilok, or maybe the Council's attempts to try jumping over tall buildings was exceedingly successful, plus those mean old Outcasts failed to stop the arch-villain before his master plan was unveiled! 97   My New Video Game! betty Done 21 3/13/2007     In that game you'd start out in the sewers killing rats with your bare hands, then after reaching your first level, you would start hanging pictures, nice and straight. 96   Fixing up my Garden greg Done 22 1/29/2007      My garden was in sad shape. It had been neglected for far too long and as I rolled up my sleeves, I resolved to do something about it! It was just past the crack of dawn when I noticed a bunch of slimy slugs eating away at my petunias. 95   Rearranging My New Tech Room betty Done 22 1/31/2007     With that junk out of the way, I was able to start moving furniture around so it made more sense. I moved the work table next to the cat food which was really starting to stink! 94   Speeding Down the Highway betty Done 21 12/4/2006     There just isn't as much money in moving moonshine across state lines like there used to be. So I decided to turn in my driver's license and buy a bicycle. I really needed a new line of work. There just isn't as much money in moving moonshine across state lines like there used to be. 93   Having Surgery greg Done 20 12/1/2006      I got the diagnosis back from the doctor... I was going to need surgery. This would be the first time I'd ever been operated on. 92   Accountant at Work greg Done 21 4/1/2006     Rogers, of Mr. Rogers Windows! "Hey folks! I'm Mr. Rogers of Mr. Rogers Windows! Did you know that poor-quality windows could cost you a bundle in heating bills? That's why I always read the Dilbert cartoon as soon as I get to work. 91   What I Saw When I Took a Walk betty Done 21 3/31/2006     Fortunately, I was wearing my Kevlar vest and it bounced off! It left a mighty bruise, though, and hurt like crazy, so I let out a yell that sounded like a pickup truck, headed straight for me! 90   Learning a Foreign Language greg Done 22 2/4/2006     we snarled informally. Shocked, he picked his beret out of the muddy gutter, shook it off and put it on his resume. This will surely impress them! They'll be so impressed they will spew! Just kidding, of course, but who knows, you may end up in Swaziland, in a dark jungle, surrounded by insipid but angry Frenchmen frothing epithets at us proudly patriotic Americans. 89   Putting out Christmas Lights betty Done 21 2/3/2006      Where are they coming from?? They must be coming from Mars! 88   Lazor Beam Hydra greg Done 22 12/16/2005      "You are such an abuzor!" She shrieked, " My baby! My baby!" We came running and saw many tentacles creeping out of the hatch, and they were reaching for a rope to pull themselves out before the Lazor Beam Hydra returned!!!!!!!! 87   Concert at Chrysler Hall betty Done 21 12/14/2005      Oh! What fun it was to hobnob with all those blue bloods! The mayor was there, several state councilmen were there, we even saw George Allen, John Warner, and Harvey Morgan in the foyer, and they were having a heated discussion about which burned longer: a violin or a viola. 86   Touring Europe bonnie Done 21 12/13/2005     But to my surprise, he snapped the cork out of the bottle of champagne out poured it on my pancakes. 85   Christmas Shopping betty Done 22 12/1/2005      You stupidhead!" He stomped his feet and then he yelled, " God bless us, every one!" A tear ran down my cheek as a sudden blast of frigid, snowy air reddened my nose, numbed my cheeks, caught my breath and blew all my packages into a snowdrift. 84   Working at McDonald's greg Done 21 12/1/2005     I tried to hit the button to open the drawer, but it really didn't matter if a few pickles fell on the floor. We could always rinse them off and use them on the next drive-through customer, who had just ordered 2 large cokes, 2 large fries, and 2 giant Cokes with crushed garlic. 83   Trip to the Pumpkin Patch sherry Done 22 11/7/2005     We could only use them for smashing into peoples' front doors when they had sucky Halloween candy. Why, just last year, we brought home enough pumpkins to make lots of pies. 82   test2 greg Done 24 9/16/2015     What are you thinking?! = Waa waa waa waa I'm all out of cough syrup!!!!!!!! 81   Going Into Space II greg Done 21 10/28/2005     But you would know that being the seasoned astronaut that you are. Why you could probably teach us to perform an EVA correctly and not drift away from the craft. First, secure your seatbelt and your helmet and make sure the main power switch is turned to cheese, just as the Lunar Society of Cheese-Lovers had predicted. 80   Taking Computer Class betty Done 20 10/27/2005     he exclaimed. "You can't be serious! You never learned to touch-type?!! 79   Cooking Show II greg Done 21 9/27/2005     "You can't be serious! I know positively that these eggs are fresh! Break this one open and you will see why you should never cook with Spam on television." 78   Potty Training the Twins betty Done 21 9/24/2005      We had to go to Sam's Club to buy the biggest bag of M&M's and while we were there we also bought a big box of Tide detergent! 'Cause we're going to need it for all the poop that is on its way. What were you thinking to feed the twins stewed prunes?? 77   Noisy Neighbors bonnie Done 21 9/23/2005      They must be major weightlifters because that's exactly what it sounds like: dumbells on the floor next to my barbell and other weight equipment. My workout was over, and now I could hear them again playing their awful rap music. 76   Driving Across Country betty Done 22 9/16/2005     Of course, while we're there, we'll check out the local caves. I know it will be cool in there, and who knows? We might find some interesting local folks to talk to. They always have lots of salty snacks handy and lots of little packages of sweet cakes made with 100% extra-virgin olive oil. 75   NASCAR Days greg Done 21 9/9/2005     The pavement started to get sticky, and that made the tires start to melt. I panicked at first until I learned my suit was really fireproof. 74   Conserving Water bonnie Done 22 9/9/2005     So I went ahead and drank my own urine, since that was the only way to survive. Three days later, we were so thirsty our tongues were sticking to the plan. This is great news! At this rate, nobody's toilet in the entire county would ever flush completely again! 73   The Best Diet Ever! sherry Done 21 8/31/2005      This is great! Next thing you know, you will be skin and bones. No one will know you. Everyone will think you are Shamu the Orca if you wear a tuxedo before your diet is accomplished. So instead, try to re-interpret your hunger as a desire to do another favorite activity besides eat, such as eggplant, okra, mushrooms, and rhubarb: all on Greg's list of guys lookin' in yer window! 72   What a Yard Sale! betty Done 20 8/23/2005      My best idea was to take all my potted plants, dump all the dirt out on a table, and use it to store all our hard-earned money in. It would take half the night to count all the coins! When it is time to go to the bank, I am sure we will NEVER MISS any of this stuff! 71   Test Pilot greg Done 21 8/17/2005      Imagine seeing him again, here, after all these years! It sure is a small fire button! Let's see what happens if I push it! 70   A Day in the Life of a Dork sherry Done 21 8/14/2005     "Oh really? she said with a wink. Great googlely-mooglely...that was just about the nicest thing anyone had ever said! Well, after hearing that, I was ready to sharpen all my pencils, and I discovered I need to go buy a new pocketsize spiral notebook and a black power cable. It would clash with the light-colored decor in his server room, but he didn't care--he was a dork. 69   Time for a Checkup! bonnie Done 21 8/3/2005      I knew I had to get out of there, and the only way to do it was to amputate from above the knee. But that's OK-- we can replace it with saline, or I can tell you about our latest experiment: something we've been growing in the lab. Your choice." If I did, then I could REALLY feel my heart pounding! 68   Building My New Cat Condo betty Done 21 7/10/2005     And I had a coupon for $1 off so he had to give me 11 cents back. Muhahaha! They'll never figure it out! They'll see little toy mice dangling from the penthouse roof. They will just love all the neat ideas I have come up with for their entertainment. For example, on the second level there will be a round hole, facing a raging fireplace. 67   Putting Up Wallpaper greg Done 21 6/12/2005     But the toilet had been removed! So I went upstairs and screamed to let out the frustration. Then I went back downstairs and fixed myself a meatball lunch pocket. It was so good, I licked it again. "Hey! Quit that! You're getting wallpaper paste all in my hair! 66   My Newest Home Improvement Project! betty Done 20 5/17/2005      All their cute little night lights will always be upside down--cackle cackle. THAT will teach them to use acetone to clean the hardwood floors. Now take this toothbrush and clean the encrusted roach poop from around the doorways. 65   Phone Call bonnie Done 21 5/9/2005      I've been meaning to call you for days! How are you?" "Fine, How are you?" "I'm fine! I wanted to ask if you knew there is a moose in your front yard! 64   Airline Pilot greg Done 21 4/23/2005     So I adjusted the seat. Then it felt much better. Reaching for the throw-up bag would be a good idea. Quickly, there is no time to waste! In a few seconds I will be unconscious from the lack of cabin pressure! I have to act quickly. 63   I'm Not In It For The... bonnie Done 21 4/6/2005      We want more juice. Fluff up our pillows! Don't you know who we are? a SHRUBBERY! Or else you will regret it!" So I said, "Honey, I'm not in it for the lettuce! I'm in it for the quality time and cultural enlightenment. 62   Hosting a Cooking Show betty Done 21 4/12/2005     Next, add 12 ounces of diced beef. For this I prefer to use a non-stick pan, as opposed to a stick pan. I'll hold these two examples up so you can see the difference. (Crowd goes "Ooooh!) Also, I prefer to use a plastic spatula, as opposed to eating what you fix right in front of the audience. 61   Ain't It Cool? greg Done 22 4/7/2005      I know you will sound like a foghorn, and that will mean that you will need to put some totally awesome detailing on your car. We're talking flames comin' out of the freakin' wheel wells, a Confederate flag on either side, and the hood a big ol' skull ring -- solid silver! 60   Competing with Starbuck's bonnie Done 21 4/2/2005     So here's the plan: Rent a storefront, buy some coffee beans, and to grind them, buy a big muffin. The bigger the better. The biggest I've ever seen. 59   My First Ocean Cruise betty Done 21 3/28/2005     He could just imagine all those dolphins and whales jumping out of the water, so full joy, so full of lobsters it was ridiculous! Scraping them off was out of the question, so the best thing we could think to do was pry them off with a crowbar, clean them up and stew them. 58   Captain Underpants greg Done 21 3/23/2005      Now they are going to freeze while you walk, and soon you won't be able to have a bowel movement because you'll be so constipated! So why don't you just give it up and go back to using Depends Undergarments?" 57   New Year's Resolutions! bonnie Done 21 3/18/2005      The first thing I want to tackle in the New Year is DEEEEEE-cluttering! That's right, this is the perfect time to go on a diet and find a new recipe for low fat, low cholesterol, high protein baked bars of coconut, nuts, chocolate and condensed milk. 56   Saturday Morning's Cartoon Marathon betty Done 21 3/13/2005      There was utter pandemonium until Mr. T. 's deep voice resonated through the room, declaring, " All your base are belong to us, make your time!" Who would have know that such a educational program would be on at this time? 55   Spy Base Alpha greg Done 21 3/8/2005     Clip after clip was burned through until we heard those momentous words: "Cut! That's a wrap. Thanks guys, we'll see you tomorrow." Time itself seemed to slow down and the bullets whizzed by each other's ears and limbs. 54   Texas Winter bonnie Done 20 3/3/2005     Once the weather got really hot them Yankee-land touristers might come hunting for your A/C, and you gotta be prepared. We loaded up on sunscreen and popsicles, and took off! Beach, HERE WE COME! We were almost there when great hailstones began falling from the sky. 53   Christmas Shopping - 2004 betty Done 20 2/26/2005     It was as if I had no limit on my credit cards! I just kept buying and buying! There was so much to choose from, she let her stomach do the talking so she picked the one with chocolate sprinkles. 52   Modeling Agency greg Done 21 2/21/2005     Why do I have to wear that hideous dress? Can't you see that it is too cold in here for a swimsuit shoot! 51   All I Need Is... bonnie Done 21 2/16/2005      His big brown eyes were gazing toward the girl relaxing on the park bench, eyes closed, gently rocking her head in time with whatever music was playing on her headphones. I thought to myself, "THAT'S what I need -- a whole bottle of sleeping pills! I'll take 'em all and then I won't have to listen to--" 50   My Summer at the Archeological Dig betty Done 21 2/11/2005     Who's up for some Mickie D's?" There was a long, tense silence, until finally someone said, "Well, I'm hungry. 49   Shopping at Lowe's greg Done 20 2/6/2005     I yelled, "We need a pilot!...No, I mean a forklift driver!" And here he came wearing an apron with many pockets! I had to giggle because it reminded me of all the failed projects in the past. 48   Anorexia Therapy bonnie Done 21 2/1/2005      It's O.K. Just throw out all your mirrors, and get those Amusement Park ones that make you look fatter than you really are. Then you'll look normal! You can finally eat whatever you please, whenever you please, even if it means you see the number on the scale go up one! 47   Building My New House! betty Done 23 1/27/2005      Complete with tire swing, roller-skating area, dress-up box, and kitchenette! All the neighbors' kids were stomping in the mud, making a big mess: so I put them to work mixing up the cement instead. They loved it! Wet cement reached from their toes all the way up to their knees! Either we're forming a habitat for something other than humans, or someone's gonna have to mow!" 46   Ultimate Ninja II greg Done 21 1/22/2005     Therefore, today I ate 5 bowls of chili beans with chopped up hot dogs. Ah, the warm feeling in my tummy! Ah, the power coming out of my legs, my arms, my fingertips. 45   Election Day! betty Done 21 1/17/2005      The volunteer outside the curtain heard all the mechanical sounds and mumbling, and called out to him, "It doesn't work like that! 44   A Day in the Life of... bonnie Done 20 1/12/2005     They were getting tired of all that harrassment. Yeah, and how about that possum! Always eating all their expensive IAMS and bowls of sugar! SUGAR! Right there next to the hill! We couldn't believe it! Such a concentration of food in such close proximity! 43   High School Carwash greg Done 20 1/7/2005     We took some of the money and used it for wiping up the spoiled milk in the back seat. Boy, did it stink! It smelled like the driver must be a smoker. Frowning, we decided we could first try vacuuming up all the fragments of dried vomit. 42   Pushed Over the Edge bonnie Done 21 1/2/2005      Because I don't want to look at your last moments of life on this earth!" With that he opened fire and I dodged every bullet with great aplomb. Now I was really thankful for those ballet lessons. 41   Cleaning Out the Garage betty Done 21 12/28/2004      Who knows how long that had been there! "That's disgusting!" I said. "We're going to need some industrial-strength cleaner! Russell used some when he worked at Busch; let's call him." 40   HULK SMASH! greg Done 20 12/23/2004     the Hulk bellowed, "But the Hulk is strongest there is! Me prove it! Me dumb. Me stupid. Me go the wrong way on a one-way street. Me knock you into the middle of the walls of the building across the alleyway!" Luckily no one was eating at the time. 39   Joining the PTA bonnie Done 20 12/18/2004      The smooth, dark polished wood, rich carpeting and drapes, and extensive collection of leather-bound books always served to calm my racing mind. But today my concerns would not so easily be laid to rest. 38   Going to the County Fair betty Done 20 12/13/2004      As I turned, the figure yelled, "NINJA!" Insane with panic, I grabbed the blue ribbon watermelon and threw it as hard as I could at the red-faced perpetrator. "You think you have the right to scare innocent people like that? Of all the nerve! 37   News at 11 greg Done 20 12/8/2004      "It's the best way to sneak up on someone, and then, the instant you know they see you, you shout, 'NINJA!'" 36   Investigating Vegetarianism bonnie Done 21 12/3/2004     he said as he took another bite of his steak. It was clear she wasn't going to eat hers either, so he reached over and grabbed the salad dressing, saying, "If I'm going to eat nothing but salad for lunch, I'm going to need more salt and pepper. 35   Boppy's Trip to Texas betty Done 21 11/28/2004     he said. Boppy laughed and laughed. He showed her how to bring down a runaway calf and hogtie 'em. he said. Boppy laughed and laughed. 34   Dance Class bonnie Done 21 11/23/2004      We were lucky enough to have live piano music to dance to. Which makes sense, actually, because the piano player had sprained his ankle and couldn't show up. So we played a boom box until the windows started to tremble. 33   The Minotaur King greg Done 21 11/18/2004     We turned a corner and tripped over a string somebody had stretched along near the floor! "Why would somebody put that there?" I grumbled as I tried my best not to throw up. It wasn't easy I can tell you. I pursed my lips and grimaced and I then proceeded to back up. 32   The Bizarre Bazaar bonnie Done 20 11/13/2004     There had to be some here somewhere. And then I saw it: THE most tacky lamp I have ever seen! Of course I had to buy it! It would be the perfect gift for my pet gila monster, Scalie. 31   My Trip Around the World betty Done 21 11/8/2004      That's right. You won't be satisfied to stay at home. You'll want to take another trip as soon as you can. The fun is just beginning. Now we are headed for the North Pole! 30   Downtown Precinct greg Done 22 11/3/2004      Maybe a beard and a mustache would help, and some big horned rim glasses. Hmmm. And I probably should wear my gun. I'm nervous about this, you know. The fact that I'm addicted to placebos doesn't make it any easier. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference. 29   Growing Up on a Farm betty Done 21 10/29/2004     That took a while. To wash them I used cotton balls and baby oil. Everything was working great until the cotton balls started to fall apart and blow away! 28   The Dinosaur World bonnie Done 21 10/24/2004      How soft and green was the bed of moss along the bank. But suddenly we heard a loud rushing! 27   Gardening with Betty greg Done 20 10/19/2004     If you see one of these, pull it up! It's a weed. So stomp on it! No, better yet dig it up with a little watering, fertilizing, and TLC, your garden will soon be overflowing with marijuana plants, and then you can make some REAL cashola! Especially if your own son is a pothead!! It looks like a cross between a marigold and a dandelion. 26   On the Open Road bonnie Done 21 10/14/2004      Then he got on the motorcycle, but it wouldn't roll. He realized he needed to oil his wheels. So he oiled his wheels adjusted his helmut and took off down the highway, 0 to 60 in 4 seconds! 25   The International Village bonnie Done 21 10/9/2004      You, mes faux amis, may leave." And with a great harrumph, they in fact did! As the last one exited the door, there came a loud applause from the audience, who then began to shout in unison," 24   Weekend in Paris greg Done 21 10/4/2004      With that, we immediately went to to the great cathedral, Notre Dame. When we walked through the great doors, everything was very quiet. 23   Xander Goes Shopping betty Done 22 9/29/2004      So Xander hurried over there and ordered a big Mac with cheese and extra ketchup and Great Biggie Fries. cried Ethan. 22   Fart Dictionary bonnie Done 21 9/24/2004      It worked at first but not for long. Soon we had to come up with another idea. 21   Boot Camp greg Done 21 9/19/2004      Needless to say, we were pretty exhausted, and ready for a break. We cautiously asked the drill sargeant if he would let us have some more corned beef hash before we had to do another 100 push-ups. 20   Good Old Pop's Drive-in betty Done 21 9/14/2004     "This isn't right!" I exclaimed. "Pops doesn't sell chicken nuggets! 19   Going Back to College betty Done 21 9/9/2004     Kids these days, they just want--errgkhh..." At that, the proctor had a massive heart attack and fell over, dead. I looked up at Max and said, "Do you know what this means?" "Yeah." Max replied. "ALL NIGHT FRAT PARTY!!!!!!!!!!" They don't want work! Kids these days, they just want--errgkhh..." 18   If You Give a Mouse a Cookie bonnie Done 21 9/4/2004      We ain't had nothin' to eat for three stinkin' days but this moldy bread. Yeah, and we need some meats! And to go with that some milk!" And if you give him some milk, he will lap it up very delicately all the while holding his little pinky high in the air. 17   Our Summer Vacation betty Done 21 8/30/2004      "Is anybody hurt?" I asked. "That was quite a steep waterslide! I don't think I want to go down that again! It scared me too much and when I got to the bottom, I hit a Honda Civic! But since I was in a Hummer, i just kind of rolled over him and kept on going." 16   Trapped in a Mine greg Done 21 8/25/2004      We're stuck here! FOREVER! But not to worry! Remember, we found a hidden cache of Moon Pies and RC Colas....plus we can always play the turn down game." It's stuck in some sort of space-time moebius strip, such that no matter how many times we go down it, we'll always end up back in the mine. 14   Our Visit to the Library bonnie Done 21 8/15/2004     By this time the cops had arrived and everything got very confusing after that. I realized this was a good opportunity to get out of there, so I quietly nudged past the jostling, shouting crowd, resisting the temptation to tear out the pages of the 1500-page unabridged dictionary and start making ragged origami with them. 13   Stress Reduction Techniques bonnie Done 23 8/10/2004      If you're interested in relieving the stress level in your day-to-day life, the first thing to notice is your environment. 12   My New Job at Burger King betty Done 20 8/5/2004     Maybe we should replace them with soy. Do you think anyone would be able to get all those wads of gum from underneath the tables? 11   Cooking with Grandma betty Done 22 7/31/2004      That's what my daddy would do. It will harden their pork brains until they're nice and crunchy. Then you dip them in chocolate, and roll them in crushed walnuts. When they are all finished, you place them carefully on a doily and garnish them with breath-freshening parsley. 10   Ultimate Ninja greg Done 22 7/26/2004     You killed my father! You killed my brother! Now... I'll kill YOU!" And with that, they clapped the dust off their hands, clapped each other on the shoulders in appreciation and camaraderie, and clapped a leather helmet on everybody's head. 8   Wall Street Blues greg Done 22 7/16/2004     It had been in business for 20 years, but it had to be demolished to make way for a Stop-n-Go. 7   Going into Space betty Done 21 7/11/2004      Who will draw the long straw to be in it? Who will excape the seething blubbery morass of stinking foul alien green cards. 5   Ye Olde Medieval Days betty Done 21 7/1/2004      I will eat at your feet for the rest of my days!" The king looked down at him and replied," and then threw back his own with peals of diabolical laughter. 4   Barrister the Lawyer Cat betty Done 21 6/26/2004     the driver exclaimed as he leaped out. It was Tom Daschle! Laughing, we walked off down the sidewalk, leaving the mess for somebody else to clean up. The shopkeeper couldn't believe it! What was happening?!! 3   The Big Conundrum betty Done 21 6/21/2004     and pounded his shoe on the table for effect. Unfortunately, the force of it caused an explosion of monumental proportions! Everyone stood in fearful amazement wondering if they would be doomed to live the rest of their lives up in branches of this oak tree. 2   Woo baby! greg Done 21 6/16/2004     Greg exclaimed as the speedometer passed 120. His Dodge Viper showed no signs of complaint, as it began to thunder and rain heavily; so much so that the roof began to lift off from the extreme high pressure inside the house. 1   Big Computer greg Done 18 6/11/2004     THAT'S RIGHT! once he heard that, he knew the time was near. So near, in fact, he nervously checked his ticket stub to make sure he wasn't late for the previews. he wasn't. In fact, he still had enough time to play another game of Warlords Battlecry.