| I had spent many, many hours designing, constructing, and then renovating my secret underground lab. It was filled with zombie bits and scattered brains. I was at my wit's end! I figured I would clean it up with the blood of my enemies! And occasionally a strawberry Yoo-hoo. Or sarsaparilla. Grenadine! Straight from the can! Deee-licious! Now I am going to mix it all up in my new blender. Ooops! I forgot to put on the lid! All across the walls and floor were diplomas, certificates, degrees, and other accolades from a variety of prestigious institutes of learning and experimentation. They were unimpeachable evidence that other creatures had been destroying the test results! I turned on my flashlight, and I spotted something in the corner! It was a bunch of sticks of dynamite! Now how did those get in here? Well, they were in the way so I moved them next to my collection of Bunsen burners, candles, and fireworks. Next I got out the shop vac to try to scoop up that big puddle of spit on the desk where I apparently had passed out from exhaustion. I had been reading the Anarchist's Cookbook in one hand, watching "Extreme Demolition" on the Discovery channel, and in the other hand I was flipping through my JOGAR recipe book I found a recipe for pizza with added chopped beef? It's not chopped *beef*, it's chopped *steak*! So don't ruin it with plain ol' ketchup. Slather it with A1 Steak Sauce! Then you will probably start to feel hungry enough to make yourself a big bowl of hot shut the hell up. When I heard that City of Heroes was in danger of shutting down, I got so mad that I slammed the door; the shock rattled the shelf and down to the floor fell a beaker full of precious golden rings. So bright. So beautiful. So.... prrrecciouusss... Those hobbitses are always stealing from us. Those nasty little roaches were everywhere! Someone must have left food in here! Ah, I found an old lunch bag! And in it were stale pieces of air. There wasn't enough oxygen to breathe! Gasp! He had to get out! He had to order pizza to be delivered to the lab and the toppings were a choice from four: The four edible choices were BBQ beef brisket, chicken tetrazini, grilled salmon, or a Popburger. So of course I chose to close the lab for good. Surely there must be a better profession for me, like the job I just saw advertized in the classified: "Private lab time needed immediately for sensitive experiments. Highest compensation offered. Please contact..." I couldn't make out the rest of the ad because tears had already begun to dissolve the ink, which ran like charcoal wisps of liquidated dreams down the face of the page. As I sat in the middle of the smouldering wreckage of my lab, I wept quietly to myself for a long, long time. THE END! |