Al Gore was busy writing his next speech to present before the exclusive group of European citizens would be allowed onto the Space Ark. The rest would be left to drown in the swarm of cats. They would cover the Earth with moss. Happiness is cozy, soft, and green. How could anyone argue against me? Do they want to get punched? Do they want me bring the thunder? Do they want clean air or warm houses? They cannot have both !! In fact, over their noses they may have to wear tinfoil hats to protect them from the mind-reading satellites used by an ancient civilization to battle aliens. It used gravity wells and quantum tunneling to launch giant blue whales from every port in the country, in celebration of the Year of Cheese! The streets were teeming with people donning their cheddar hats, colby jack vests, and of course, their feta shoes. But suddenly, swarms of cheese-loving imps scrambled out of the manholes and began devouring the Twinkies from the overturned Hostess truck. Suddenly a riot ensued, and someone called the geology professor. Considering his knowledge of continental drift, they must have thought that he had a colonic explosion ! The odor was horrific, so bad in fact that they turned up the thermostat. "It's freezing in here!" she whined as she tugged her jacket tigher around herself. This crazy weather had been going on for thousands of years. No one could have anticipated the catastrophe that was just around the corner. We heard a terrible noise and looked out to see a bunch of dudes sitting around eating beans. They were scarfing them down by the bowlful. Then we knew we were in store for greenhouses gases by the cubic yard. Any second now I expected a giant squid to lunge forward and puke his guts out onto the floor. The surrounding bystanders followed suit out of disgust, creating a massive river of blood, as high as a horse's bridle! It's the apocalypse for sure! No wait, that's not blood, it's diarrhea. Someone must have manually opened the seal! Now contamination will leak into the pantry and make the sacks of flour wet and the cans of soup rust. Then you will be safely high enough to escape the impending tsunami. We could see it coming it the far distance! It looked like a gigantic tortoise, heaving up out of the earth. Strange as this was, it only got weirder as relatively small automobiles started spilling out of its mouth. Unfazed, I looked down at my watch, and realized it was time for buying a new gas-guzzling SUV. We went to the dealership, looked into the showroom, and we saw a brand spanking new Interstellar G9X Ion-Charged Singularity Accelerator. This thing could wipe out a whole solar system. To ensure it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands, I wrapped it in brown paper, tied it up with twine, and hid it in the attic. THE END! |