| If you're interested in relieving the stress level in your day-to-day life, the first thing to notice is your environment. Look around. Are there any more suggestions from the audience? "I have one," said the old man in the back. "Take a nap every afternoon." After I take a nap, I always feel like killing somebody! That was when I knew I had to lie down quickly and start my bio-feedback session. That was the only thing that worked for me to help me feel calm again, and it helped me also to feel sympathy for homeless people. So I immediately ran out and found one, and offered to share my nail polish with her. She looked at me and said, "You look so sad. Why are you so blue? I think you need to sit in this massage chair and just relax. Here, I will turn on some soft music. How about listening to this rendition of "Thus Spoke Zoroaster" by Wagner, done entirely with a quartet of kazoos? "AAAAUUUGHH!!" screamed Bonnie, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MEDITATE WHEN YOU KEEP TALKING TO ME???!! Would you please go twiddle your thumbs while I take care of MY important business! You are so getting on my nerves! I think you should focus on your breathing. That is an excellent way to direct energy. Positive in through the nose, negative out through the chimney and up, up, the explosion launched debris 30 feet into the air. Bonnie immediately began stuffing more explosives into the fireplace and said "I feel less stressed already! Your technique is agitating me. Stop making faces at me. Stop squirting a water gun in my face. YOu're an idiot.
Let me out of here!
I want to go get a massage now. I feel tense. There's nothing like a good dose of Ex-lax to loosen you up. Yeah, just go sit on the pot and relax. Ha ha Then you can tell us all about it: why do you have the irrepressible need to straighten out the tassels at the ends of an area rug?" "I can't help it," Bonnie said, "Every time I see one, it makes me want to cry. I just can't help it. I get all teary-eyed; and then I start to wonder why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Why--" And just then the drugs kicked in and then the convulsions started. "Oh, no!" My friends said, "Quickly, turn off the electricity before she's fried!" I lunged for the power switch, but just then there was a loud explosion outside the meditation room! What had happened?! We all ran outside in our white robes and saw to our surprise a big birthday cake, covered with candles and exquisitely patterned icing, sitting on the table. Bonnie exclaimed, "If we could all just CALM DOWN! Everyone please take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of beer on the wall! (giggle!)" About an hour later we were all too drunk to stand up, but we sure weren't stressed anymore. THE END! |