| I resolve to think before I speak and bite my tongue if I feel inclined to improve myself. First I took a personality test and I turned out to be an introvert. So I thought I would work on that and turned to the person next to me, and I said to him "What were you thinking?!?! You aren't a cow!!" Who knew organic farming could be so aggravating that I decided to rewrite the whole list. Starting again with #1, I pledged to try again. Determined, I sat down and finally got to #10! I resolve to refrain from eating bowl after bowl of baked beans. I then went to library, found the most crowded reading room, and proceeded to bolster my confidence by encouraging myself under my breath. "You can do it," I said, with enthusiasm, "Let's celebrate our resoluting by going out to eat!! I think we should go to the Yoga studio and sign up for some classes. That should really help because my nose would not stop running. How annoying. I needed not only a handkerchief but also a big box of old receipts!" The best way to tackle tedious jobs like that is to sit down with a BIG glass of wine and ponder for a while. Soon, you will feel focused and relaxed and ready to go out the front door to my new life! So I put on my hat, opened the door, walked out on to the front porch, and stepped into a new suit! Perfectly pressed and tailored, it did wonders for my mood, and I felt so happy and confident, I called up all my friends and invited them over for a little thing we like to call an "Intervention." Confronted with a mob of irritated neighbors, I ran back into the house and packed! I was ready to start my new life! THE END! |