When Mom announced she was going to go on a vacation in San Antonio, I was delighted. I knew it was just the thing for her to clean out the garage! An arduous task, but wonderful temperature outside which caused her to go into convulsions. A woman nearby noticed immediately, and exclaimed, "I'm an EMT! Can I help??" But I told her "Sure, you can drive my car to Walmart." I knew she would not know how to knot the bow around the knife, so I showed her how to tie knots in people's shoelaces ...joined...so when they stood up to walk they would immediately smile, introduce themselves and offer to shake hands. Naturally, our response to that would be to laugh hysterically and roll on the floor. But at the same time we would attempt to eat one hot pepper each. The winner would be able to do it with the least amount of elbow grease....and what a relief that was! Because who wants a elbow smothered in 100% maple syrup that was imported from Vermont. "Vermont?!" Betty exclaimed. "That's yankee territory! I don't want no yankee syrup. I may as well have this with a side of socialism and a hot mug of Bernie Sanders Uber Alles. Give me a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth that's from the proper U.S. of A!" She then pounded the table for emphasis, causing all the stray animals to congregate in Bonnie's back yard. What to feed them??? I know! We can give them bowls of scorpions! We scooped them up during our daily desert hike. The sneaky bastards tried to sting us but we were too smart for them.Once we had about 50 of them, we were ready to proceed. With great flourish, we took the bowls and put them under the dogs' noses and they went to town! In one minute flat, everything was gone and we could not find even a whiff of cilantro in the whole place! "What kind of restaurant is this?!" I yelled. "What are we supposed to sprinkle on our tacos, for crying out loud?! HOW ABOUT A NICE SPRINKLING OF HOT HOT HOT SRIRACHA SAUCE !!!" That will make everybody want to go to the Alamo! Enjoy your time there, but there's more! Right across the street was a dog kennel for stray dogs of all sizes. I walked across and peeked through the fence and saw himself! They had lined their entire property with mirrors! "How strange," I exclaimed, as I tried to climb over the fence, but scintillating disco balls blinded me and I couldn't continue! The light was brilliant! So bright I had to shield my eyes with my hands and with a soft folded napkin lovingly wrapped around, I placed the tombstone behind the fresh grave, as requested. A single tear traced a path through the dust on my cheek. I reached out to put the flowers atop the tombstone, only to find that squirrels had eaten them while I wasn't looking. So instead I placed a couple business cards. "Might as well try to make some money out of this mess," I mumbled as I walked back to my motorcycle. THE END! |