It was a normal day in Dunedin, New Zealand. The sun shone, and a cold wind blew in from the South. Seagulls squawked and crapped in every direction. Meat pies steamed behind the counter of coffee shops. Yes, it was a day just like any other. But little did the inhabitants know, today would be the last normal day in a long time. Well, no matter what else is going on, everybody knows the most important thing to have is drinking water. The best thing we could think to do was to head downhill and try to find some durian fruit! I haven't had any for hours and I'm starting to go into withdrawal! I need at least a dozen hot meat pies and lots of layers to survive a cold night such as this. The wind howled ferociously out the window. Suddenly, from the dark, something caught their attention. Glittering like a jewel, the stream disappeared into the woods to their left. Crouching down to drink, they discovered that the radiation coming from the ocean was off the charts. Something massive and unprecedented was stirring beneath the surface, and it was probably angry. It was impossible to deny: Sweet dreams are made of cheese / Who am I to dis a brie? / I cheddar the world and the feta cheese / Everybody's looking for stilton. And then there was a drum solo. In the midst of all that excitement, the drummer suddenly stopped and there was silence for a tense moment. Then, a single, methodical, rhythmic bass drum boomed, incessant and ominous, the great burp was coming, gurgling, rippling, refusing to stay quiet, ... who knew when it would be time to refill my soda cup? I knew. It was right now! I'm so thirsty I feel like I could drink ALL the soda. I jumped to my feet and cried out because I hit my head on an overhanging tree branch! As I held my hand to the hurty spot, all I could manage to say was I am ready for a real hamburger with all the fixings. Plus a thick milkshake made with real ice cream and in addition a dollup of fairy dust. Yeah, like actual dust from a fairy, we couldn't believe it. A little dude with wings showed up with a handful of sparkly crap. Anyway, it backfired horribly: we were just covered in kiwi fruit puree and crushed red cherries and pineapple. It did look colorful! The best thing to do was pass out spoons and tell everyone to get to their battle stations. This was it, the invasion had begun. Fresh-faced cadets leapt into gun emplacements and cockpits, scarcely believing they were actually going to see combat. Even worse, this an enemy they had never seen before; they swarmed over the horizon, rising to block the sun, the chattering of their thousands of quadcopter blades unmistakable even though they were still miles away. The drones were coming, and their purpose was clear: To gather enough wood for a fire and to build a shelter. They got to work straightaway, searching for the lost key. If only they could find it they would be able to rescue the kangeroos trapped in the ancient ice house. We knew they were getting colder and colder all the time, and with the power out, we couldn't use the microwave to heat them up again. But that wouldn't stop us kiwis. We started foraging for firewood, and before long have a nice, big pile. Now we just needed to get it started, but none of us had a lighter or matches. Fortunately, Shawn had an idea: Let's put a Slip 'n' Slide in the back yard and have fun, fun, fun! After we install in and hook up the water hose to it, all we have to do then is round the Kiwis up into one place, and nuke them. As usual, it was the simplest solution which made the most sense. The fear in our hearts diminished somewhat as each of the treacherous Kiwis was pushed into the holding zone. Their superhuman strength and reflexes could do them no good from within the containment field, which was also resilient enough to contain a fusion bomb's detonation. As the countdown began, the Kiwis settled comfortably back in their form-fitting astronaut seats and prepared for take-off. They had no worries, no nervous tics, and grinned at each other knowing they would be the first to land on Mars and start a Kiwi Colony! THE END! |