Yes! Believe it or not, there I was sitting on the brick patio unwrapping 20 old hard candies I found in the garage and scooping them out of the wrappers because they were soft...yuk, but I wanted the ants to have a big treat. LaLaLeiya was watching me wondering... What it the world are you doing at this time in the morning... taking a crap in my front yard? I work hard getting this grass just the way I like it, and now you're ruining it. I picked up my shotgun, set it in its place in the gunrack, and checked it off on my inventory list. Whew! This itemization for homeowner's insurance was going to take FOREVER! Already I'd been cataloging just for the "Personal armaments" category for an hour and I wasn't even halfway through! There must be a faster way! But I just kept scrubbing with the bar of grit and learned online, I should be using my reading glasses. I thought the title of this story was "Trolling at 3am", so I went on the interwebs and collected the most toxic posts I could find, and I mixed them all together into a steaming hot mess, but unfortunately they didn't balance. I tried putting fresh batteries in my calculator, and started again at the beginning of my bank statement: $13.67 for "Splashity Splash For Not Much Cash" water balloons from the dollar store, $128.45 for costumes from "Who Do You Wanna Be?" $59.90 for scratch -n- sniff masks and rubber lizards from "Fun & Games That Are Cool Not Lame". The life-sized poster of an anteater, and so on, until the last entry, $431.18 for a total new sewer system, new pipes, and 2 new commodes. Now we are rocking, baby! I was so delighted that I pulled out my Mars bar which I save for special occasions. It had been in my pocket for a few days at this point, so was pretty smashed and fairly dirty. But chocolate is chocolate, and I had earned it. As I licked my fingers clean, I wondered did I still need to wash them before I played Clash of Clans on my phone? Eh, it'll be all right. So I just went ahead and played, but later I regretted that trolling. If I keep it up, folks will start to never take me seriously and I may even lose friends. Well, e-friends anyway. Those were the ones I trolled the most. And one time this guy said to me, "Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?" I was so frustrated because it seemed like I had been so close to finishing! All I had left to do was type in my weight, and the computer quickly printed out a menu listing these choices: 1) Broiled troll leg with capers, 2) spicy troll soup with tortilla strips and shaved truffles, and 3) chopped troll with candied bacon bits and guacamole. I looked at the waiter and exclaimed, "What is wrong with you people?!" Two days is too long to spend driving. It wears you out and subtracts the pleasure from a trip. What you should do along the way is schedule a good amount of trolling. 3am is OK, but most people are asleep. Proper trolling has as many spectators as possible, to maximimize the trollification. For example, don't just wear socks with sandals to the gas station... you might only see 3 or 4 people. Instead, go mallwalking! While you're there, make sure you order at least one latte and sit by a window as you watch go by the wayside. And you can't help but wonder, "Will these trolls ever leave me alone? Don't they have anything better to do than trolling people in the middle of the night?" I checked the time: it was 3 AM. That was the last straw. I put my phone on "do not disturb" mode and headed for the outdoor johnny house. Yes my cousin and I painted it blue inside! There used to be an old Sears & Roebuck Catalog to use for wiping but we had advanced to real rolling toilet paper...Yay! Sitting there on the two-holed set was very relaxing and in the distance we could hear the rumbling of thousands of troll feet as they stampede toward us. It would have been a terrifying sound at any time, but hearing at 3am was the worst. We steeled our resolve and And? And? And? And I sometimes want to hurt somebody and ... sometimes I want to hug somebody. THE END! |