| I was so excited, but also apprehensive to be going back to college after so many years. I probably would not know anybody, but it would not take me long to find some new victims! I did my Kargoth impression when I talked to the Registrar. "I am become death--destroyer of worlds!" I growled as I walked in. She said, "Hand me that application and I will see if you are qualified to take any classes. I want you to know that I make the final decision, so you better be on your p's and q's. So look me in the eye and tell me where the bathroom is? Cuz I really, really, REALLY gotta go." "Oh you freshman are so cute," she said, laughing. "Go down that hall and take the third right, the take a quick left, to down the stairs, go through the double doors then down the hall, take the first right, the second left, up the single flight of steps, and then you will be in jail! Maybe I'll be in there with you! Isn't it wonderful, honey? I'm going to jail! Ha ha ho ho." At this, we slowly backed out of the room and ran lickety split down the hall yelling our lungs out, "Help! Help! We need help!" Hearing our calls, suddenly out of the dean's office appeared a lovely young woman. From her shiny blonde hair to her pretty face, impeccable spring pastel suit and pristine, stylish shoes, she was the picture of confident perfection. As she walked past, I could smell that old familiar odor of stale classrooms wafting down the hall. They never got a chance to air out just like old movie houses emptying out one sweaty audience only to open their doors to another hallway, to allow the breeze to blow through. No air conditioning in these old buildings. The muggy air of late summer was so exhausting that everyone felt just hot, damp, and tired. There was only one quick solution: and that was to immediately drink lots of ammonia and chase it with bleach. He belched a monstrous cloud of lethal chlorine gas, and all the oxygen supply was quickly being depleted. What to do?!! Here, take this axe and knock a hole in the floor. Lying down, I could see into a dark basement room. Grates in the walls below admitted narrow beams of sunlight. I could see that there were old professors lying around everywhere. Some were nibbling jelly doughnuts and drinking coffee; some perusing the Wall Street Journal, and some were just livid that tuition had gone up again. They were hopping and down, yelling "FIRE! FIRE! Get out of the building! There's no time to lose! You must hurry because there's a bomb threat! Terrorists are threatening to destroy the entire campus!!" I couldn't believe it. All I could do was look around in amazement. "All these books must be at least a hundred years old!" I whispered. "Yes," a voice rasped. I gasped. An old lady, bent with age, shuffled out of the shadows. "You thought this place was abandoned because it is so dirty and unkempt, but that is the way the students like it. It reminds them of home. They don't want neat! They don't want orderly! They don't want work! Kids these days, they just want--errgkhh..." At that, the proctor had a massive heart attack and fell over, dead. I looked up at Max and said, "Do you know what this means?" "Yeah." Max replied. "ALL NIGHT FRAT PARTY!!!!!!!!!!" THE END! |