| The best thing I can remember is helping my grandmother gather eggs and feeding the little baby chicks. Sometimes we found the eggs in the strangest places: why one time we found three behind the barn, smoking like a durn chimney. I grabbed 'em by the ear and hollered, "I'm gonna tan yer hide, boy!" I dragged him inside and tried to put him to sleep so the vet and I could operate. We had a hard time because he was so fat. The fat seemed to absorb the knockout juice. But we succeeded when we gave him a big dose of what for! "That'll learn ya!" we chortled. "Next time you'll know better! Now y'all get on up-par and feed the horses." Dad only made us work half-days. It didn't matter to him which twelve hours it was. Next we had to kill the hogs to make bacon and sausage. Granddaddy would put his fingers in his ears because he did not want to hear the gunshot. Then everyone would join in to cut up the lard and use it to fry the bacon, sausage, eggs, toast, and soup. Now that's a country breakfast! L'il Abner (who wasn't very little) was always hungry. He said, "I want some more buttermilk from that churn! And I want some homemade butter and strawberry jelly to put on my overalls." The dirt from my past several weeks of work had crusted upon itself to the point that it could begin to flake off in great chunks, and I could see the blue cloth beneath. I set out to be the fastest, bestest, rootin'-tootin'est cow milker in the whole state. To limber myself up I scampered up the ladder into the hay loft and jumped up and down in the hay. Then I took a flying leap into the big pile of you-know-what! You can't get away from that on a farm, you know! Don't worry, it builds the immune system. Although they change with the seasons, there are always chores to do inside and out. Today was my "in" day. First I started washing the windows. That took a while. To wash them I used cotton balls and baby oil. Everything was working great until the cotton balls started to fall apart and blow away! "I told you you should have repaired that hen house!" "It wouldn't've mattered! It just got hit by a tornado!" "If it was sturdier maybe it could've handled it better!" Clearly the stress of the situation was getting to everyone, but the bickering stopped when we heard a loud explosion coming from the outhouse. Then we realized it was just Sid fartin'. He does that whenever the pigs and hogs won't share their slop. What a mess they make! Well, here's another bucket of swill for them...Splash! And I think I will also add some corn to the pig's food. They seem to like that. But they don't seem to care much for city folk. They were always coming around here, blabbing about how much nice it is up north, where they have eaten the grass right down to the bare ground. I think we will have to plant some more right away! Here, take this bag of grass seed and scatter it around the dining table, in between the ham, biscuits 'n' gravy, grits, and cornbread. And when you're done with that, go fetch us some more sweet tea. Then it's time to eat! THE END! |