I drove up in my new car. I screeched to a halt, jumped out, and exclaimed to my friends, "Ain't it cool? I got it for 10 cents at the thrift store! Why would anyone want to eat eel? It is just gross to think about: Imagine those slimy, writhing creatures on a plate of lead-free pewter. We're going for a minimalist look here: clean lines, neutral colors. So what do you think?" I looked around before answering, noticing some men standing outside the window. Frightfully stern in their trenchcoats and black sunglasses, they appeared to be staring at those bits of broccoli stuck in his teeth....How gross! But how can you tell someone that?
How can you tell someone that their grace under pressure is so inspiring to you, it makes you want to be a better person? Uncomfortable at best, and at worst, my underwear felt 2 sizes too small. I could never go through the whole day like this! So I headed for the rodeo. I got my gloves, my chaps, and of course my hat. That hat and me go way back. Why, I remember when 8-tracks were giving way to audio cassettes! Now, music is one of those things you can't live without. It's like the heartbeat of the spirit, man. It's the soundtrack of life. You gotta have a belt with those pants if you don't want to be holding them up all day! You'll see what I mean after you blow your nose a few times. I know you will sound like a foghorn, and that will mean that you will need to put some totally awesome detailing on your car. We're talking flames comin' out of the freakin' wheel wells, a Confederate flag on either side, and the hood a big ol' skull ring -- solid silver! And a tattoo to match! The perfect T-shirt to go with this ensemble would say "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US" and on the back it would say "got r00t?" Then everyone will know that you grew up in the Sixties. We can tell because your clothes look so cool, they have to be made in Greenland by eskimos. And your hair needs more color! More punk colors: here, stripe your hair with this purple and this pink!
That will make you look like Fonzie. Just say "Aayyy!", be cool, and don't forget to wear your sunglasses, your sunscreen, and most of all don't forget your comb, even if you don't need it because your hair's so cool already. Because people will notice and say "He's all about style! How cool is that?" I'll tell ya; it's VERY COOL. THE END! |