| There's no place better than Montana to test the speed of your new car, but just getting there without a speeding ticket is the tricky part. Anyway I arrived and after mapping out my routes, I decided to stop at a truck stop and pick a fight. I was feeling all ornery, so as soon as I walked through the door I was frisked by a big burly policewoman. Then she pushed me down onto a bench, and she said in a very loud voice, "Do! A deer! A female deer! Re! A golden drop of perspiration gently made a rivulet down my forehead and off the tip of my spoiler! That's how slippery this car is. It moves through air like a hot knife through butter. Like a tax hike in a Democrat controlled Congress." I didn't want to argue, so I pretended to be listening to Bill O'Reilly on the radio. Too bad I didn't know that I was in the company of a red diaper doper baby who believed in God, who was the only one who could save him now! He tried pumping the brakes again to see if they really could go 120 mph. Well you'll never know unless you try! So they fastened their seatbelts, turned to each other and grinned and then they gasped in shock at the number of bugs that had shuffled off this mortal coil on their teeth. "Ewww!" he said as he pulled over, he took a big drink of Red Bull, burped, and he loudly exclaimed, "HIT THE BRAKES!! HIT THE--" He never finished his sentence, however, because that biggy size hot chocolate just spilled in his lap! He swiftly landed in full view of the spectators that had gathered to watch the race! They cheered, they waved, and they put the pedal to the metal and zoomed past the hidden radar. Quick as a wink, they saw blue lights in the rear view mirrors, so they hightailed it across the state, carefully avoiding known speed traps, living off of coffee and Slim Jims, and sleeping in the car in Wal-Mart parking lots. Eventually they drifted to a dead stop, out of gas, low on oil, and right in the middle of a speedtrap! There must have been 20 police crusiers there! They were blocking the road, so I slammed on the brakes and turned in to a McDonald's drive-thru. I really needed a new line of work. There just isn't as much money in moving moonshine across state lines like there used to be. So I decided to turn in my driver's license and buy a bicycle. THE END! |